Ungrounded

[rolypoly]

Hi everyone. I've been very busy with computer work for the last long while and haven't felt very motivated to do even more typing than I already do, so I've been pretty absent around here. Sorry about that.

I'm feeling the need to check back in. A lot has happened since I last posted. Bare with me. :)

I've been feeling unhappy living where I'm living and slowly coming to the realization that I don't want to settle down here. Four years ago, I had a solid plan that I was going to move away, study my passion and then return to my little island to build a home and settle down. Of course, I had the fantasy that I would meet a man while away at school, fall in love and bring him back with me.

99% of that dream was based in what I felt I should do. What would be acceptable and presentable. Who hasn't created the perfect fantasy for their lives, eh? And of course, life takes its own turns and there are lessons to learn along the way that lead us in directions we didn't expect sometimes. And that's where I find myself right now.

What did happen is I went away and met a poly man. And discovered I'm poly. And instead of moving towards a more settled, rooted life, I embarked on an unsettling journey of self-discovery. What I mean is that it hasn't been a simple matter of accepting that I'm poly and voila! There are so many flavors of poly. In some ways, living this lifestyle involves a lot more movement and change than a typical mono marriage would.

I did end up moving back to my little island, but the longer I stay, the more I don't want to be here anymore. I am not the same person I was when I left.

For one, I'm tired of hiding. I rent a cabin on private acreage and my "landlords" are friends. I check in with them about who comes to visit me because I want to respect that it is their space. It felt painful to me to hide my excitement that my (now former, but at the time, current) lover and her girlfriend were coming to visit me. For all they knew, they were friends. It's no one's business and they hardly care one way or the other, but it bothers me because there are big chunks of my life that I am not sharing with the people in my immediate community. In many ways, the situation I'm in now is a very bad fit. I am so different from them. Other than the fact that we all work on the computer, there are significant things that I don't have in common with them.

So, I reached out to the poly community online. You guys. :) And discovered that a bunch of people on this board actually live within striking distance from me. So, I started to take trips down to meet and talk with poly folk, which feeds a big part of me and makes me incredibly happy.

I just got back from a week away. I spent time meeting a lot of great people and I went to both the poly meet and the poly women's group. I also spent time growing closer to someone and have very strong feelings for him.

(I gotta say, I'm still not used to the dynamics that inevitably develop when you're involved in a poly group. Sooner or later, you're going to find yourself talking about your relationship(s) with the people who are involved or the very least only a degree or two of separation).

It's all tidy and easy when you're discussing poly in theory with strangers. It's a whole different ball game when you actually start developing relationships and dynamics, when it's no longer theory and people are no longer strangers. So, this is me fumbling along, being honest about how all of this is unfolding.

I feel incredibly ungrounded and uncomfortable. Not in the way that a bad fit would make it uncomfortable. But, in the way that I feel I'm being pulled in too many directions. I have created a life for myself here over the past 10 months. I am the President of a society, I have a garden to manage, my business is in its first year. But, I don't feel settled and I'm not dropped into this life. Because it's so isolated and off the grid, living here is a full time job and every part of me is resisting every part of it. Thankfully, my business is transportable, so it allows me to work anywhere that has an internet connection. But, my heart is not in the rest of my life. I stopped teaching (today was my last day). The Society in and of itself, regardless of my life, is losing its momentum and it's taking a huge effort on my part to keep feeding the fire so it doesn't completely die.

I am trying incredibly hard to ground myself in the life I have going here and to keep all my balls in the air, knowing that I will not stay over the long term. Knowing that I have no idea where I will be going next. This is terrifying.

I just got back home yesterday and I've already planned a two week trip back to the city at the end of the month. I'm being pulled by the convenience of fast internet (I get so much more work done in the city), by a songwriting workshop happening over there and by the comfort and convenience of being able to flick a switch and have instant light and instant hot water. LOL!!

And of course, I'm being pulled to continue meeting up with people who I'm beginning to feel like I can be completely myself around. I want very much to be known, to be understood and to let all parts of me show, not just some parts.

The other thing about all of this is that it is very important to me that if and when I do begin a new relationship, that I do it from a solid, grounded, stable place. I am not in a solid, grounded, stable place right now. I am doing all the right things. I spent part of my day working in the garden, literally making roots and grounding in the earth. I tried to work despite renos going on. I did laundry. I am listening to calming music. All practical stuff. And I will continue to do all the practical stuff that needs doing.

Meanwhile, inside, I'm feeling so unsettled. I feel the need to get all this out, examine it, share it and work through it.

Thanks :)

[idealist]

Thanks for sharing!! I find you to be very clear and articulate!! So- being unsettled is uncomfortable, but being fully conscious of how you feel is so important. Keep writing and talking with friends.....It sounds like change is in the air for you! That can be very exciting!! :)

Sometimes, when I reach the place where I KNOW I have to make an important life changing decision, I get antsy and want to "just do it....now"!! Especially if my discomfort has been felt for quite a while. And just knowing that things are going to change soon can contribute to that feeling of not being grounded. So, one of the things I've done is to remind myself that I am on the verge of making in important change, but I don't have to do it today! :o

Keep doing what you're doing!!! And keep sharing!!!

[Petal]

A season of change..that can always be unsettling. However, it sounds like you're a very down to earth and open minded person. So I'm certain if you keep meeting this season head on like you have been then you will find yourself more complete and at home then you could have imagined before the season began. Good luck with everything.

[rolypoly]

Thanks for sharing!! I find you to be very clear and articulate!! So- being unsettled is uncomfortable, but being fully conscious of how you feel is so important. Keep writing and talking with friends.....It sounds like change is in the air for you! That can be very exciting!! :)

Sometimes, when I reach the place where I KNOW I have to make an important life changing decision, I get antsy and want to "just do it....now"!! Especially if my discomfort has been felt for quite a while. And just knowing that things are going to change soon can contribute to that feeling of not being grounded. So, one of the things I've done is to remind myself that I am on the verge of making in important change, but I don't have to do it today! :o

Keep doing what you're doing!!! And keep sharing!!!

Thanks idealist. I read through a bit of your blog on here and appreciated it. Didn't comment, but please keep sharing as well.

YES! Just do it....now!! LOL! Patience is hard when things are so up in the air. But, hey, you're right not only do I not have to do anything right away, I don't want to. I just want to feel a little more grounded. :p

[rolypoly]

However, it sounds like you're a very down to earth and open minded person.

HA! ;)

No, seriously, thanks.

[LovingRadiance]

Welcome back dear! Been wondering when you would reappear on here. ;)

[MonoVCPHG]

I knew exactly where she was ;)

[LovingRadiance]

Ditto, but that wasn't were I could access her!! :p

It's no fair if she isn't here so I can share too!!! :eek:

;) (do you feel wanted roly?)

[MonoVCPHG]

Ditto, but that wasn't were I could access her!! :p

It's no fair if she isn't here so I can share too!!! :eek:

;) (do you feel wanted roly?)

Ours, ours, ours!!!....errrr wait now....that's not right :o Ok..we'll share her

[redpepper]

hello fellow rp ;)

So glad to see you writing on here again. I feel very blessed to have become friends with you on here first, heard about your life on here first and now can experience you in real life! Not only that but the possibilities seem very positive. :) all good, all smiles....

*hugs*
RP

(it is strange to talk about it on here and then live what you talk about/talk about what you live... I want to assure everyone that roly is just as assume in real life! :D)

[MonoVCPHG]

Redpepper is completely right about the intensity of starting and committing to a relationship with Redpepper. Admittedly the source of that intensity was almost solely derived from the mono/poly aspect of our relationship.

There's a lot of questions you'll probably have that I didn't have to ask myself. The wonderful thing is no matter what questions you have, you will be able to draw upon at least three people who genuinely care about you for support. Similar to the development of Redpepper and Derbylicious's relationship, we all knew each other already and had compatable energies (energy is extremely important in my opinion).

Things can develop much smoother than is often seen, especially when there is an existing friendship already. This removes the "unknown" aspect and often awkwardness of having someone join your extended relationships. Of course this does not always happen but this is the case for you...use it to your advantage..the people involved already care for you :)

[rolypoly]

Welcome back dear! Been wondering when you would reappear on here. ;)

Thank you LR! Nice to see still around! :)

[rolypoly]

Ours, ours, ours!!!....errrr wait now....that's not right :o Ok..we'll share her

Now, now, poly is for sharing. :D

[rolypoly]

Ditto, but that wasn't were I could access her!! :p

It's no fair if she isn't here so I can share too!!! :eek:

;) (do you feel wanted roly?)

I feel looooooved. And lucky and blushing....

[rolypoly]

hello fellow rp ;)

So glad to see you writing on here again. I feel very blessed to have become friends with you on here first, heard about your life on here first and now can experience you in real life! Not only that but the possibilities seem very positive. :) all good, all smiles....

*hugs*
RP

(it is strange to talk about it on here and then live what you talk about/talk about what you live... I want to assure everyone that roly is just as assume in real life! :D)

Thanks RP! Honestly, I really think the credit goes to all of you for being so welcoming to me! I feel like I've shared a lot of scary stuff and no one's been scared away. Wow.

What is "assume" in real life?

[rolypoly]

Admittedly the source of that intensity was almost solely derived from the mono/poly aspect of our relationship.

There's a lot of questions you'll probably have that I didn't have to ask myself. The wonderful thing is no matter what questions you have, you will be able to draw upon at least three people who genuinely care about you for support. Similar to the development of Redpepper and Derbylicious's relationship, we all knew each other already and had compatable energies (energy is extremely important in my opinion).

Things can develop much smoother than is often seen, especially when there is an existing friendship already. This removes the "unknown" aspect and often awkwardness of having someone join your extended relationships. Of course this does not always happen but this is the case for you...use it to your advantage..the people involved already care for you :)

Hi Mono,

I bet it was intense. And I mean it when I say I have gained a whole new level of admiration and respect for what you have built. Wow.

Yes, there are questions I won't need to search in myself because I know I'm poly, so thankfully that's not a factor in all this. And I can't begin to say how touched I am that you three, or rather four are reaching out and being so supportive. I'm blown away by the level of maturity, compassion, inclusion, communication and love you all have. I care for all of you just as much.

Yes, I'd say that right now I'm focusing on making sure there's a solid friendship. I just got an email from my ex asking for us to be friends and I felt so good about that. Regardless of what happens, I feel connected to the poly community over there (my ex being the perfect example) and it's extremely important to preserve that over the coming months.

Thanks! :)

[redpepper]

What is "assume" in real life?

awesome, awesome, awesome.... stupid predictive phone technology :mad:

[rolypoly]

awesome, awesome, awesome.... Stupid predictive phone technology :mad:

haha!!!

[LovingRadiance]

Ours, ours, ours!!!....errrr wait now....that's not right :o Ok..we'll share her

Hahahahaha!!!

Good job Mon, good job!
I know it must have been REALLY hard to even type that!

;)

[MonoVCPHG]

Hahahahaha!!!

Good job Mon, good job!
I know it must have been REALLY hard to even type that!

;)

It went against everything I am :rolleyes:

[rolypoly]

This seems like the best thread to continue from....

It's 2am and I can't sleep. There's so much on my mind. I have a coffee date with 'D' tomorrow morning and it's going to be so painful to get up ;)

I've been mulling this over and over and over in my head for weeks now. Where am I going to live?!?

This may not seem like a poly-related dilemma, but to me it feels very relevant because the dichotomy between my body's needs and my heart's needs is so big.

I spent quiet, alone time with Nerdist last night (finally). Because of circumstances, much of the time we've spent together has felt like a whirlwind. He's more introverted than me and in social situations I can get pretty chatty. That and I've had so much going on for me that I feel like I've been monopolizing our conversations. (He doesn't seem to think so, but I've felt bad). So I really appreciated having an opportunity to just listen to him talk about himself, without distraction. I like him so much.

We walked around an area of town that I love! I actually looked at two places for rent today. Logically, it seems ludicrous for me to even consider ever moving to the city (again), especially that close to downtown traffic. But, my heart keeps pulling me here. (The backstory: I have chemical sensitivities and have spent 6-7 years living in remote areas, being very strict about my environment so I can be healthy. I lived in a suburb of this city for 6 months and had a difficult time.

I visited an absolutely gorgeous house in a quiet area with quiet streets. It was recessed from the road with lots of green space and a beautiful garden in the back. Unfortunately, the room was very small and I don't think it would work for me. I also panicked when I had a look at the shared laundry room and saw chemical detergents and bleach.

Some moments I feel great about moving back here. Thinking about meeting with musicians and starting to record/perform my music when my album's written. Being close to the poly community here and the friends I've made. Being able to pursue a wonderful relationship with Nerdist. Other moments, I panic! I feel swallowed up and overwhelmed here. I am already feeling a bit under the weather from the city I've taken in and I'm feeling very scared.

So, I'm back to square one. I keep comparing everything to where I lived two years ago. I lived in a small city for two years that worked very well for me. It was perfect in many ways: everything was within walking distance and had very little traffic because of the size and the way it was layed out. I had access to everything I needed without making myself sick.

Buuuuut.... it is so far away! I would have a very hard time moving away and would feel so sad. I moved away from there (to come here) in the first place because I hadn't formed a solid group of people I completely fit in with and felt lonely. There isn't much of a poly group there that I know of and the poly people I do know there, I didn't really jive with. I also wanted to be closer to a bigger music scene.

I've seen people mention on here that this is a struggle for them where they live and I really wonder what that's like. What do you do when you live somewhere where there isn't much of a poly community? Family is so important and if you're not around the kinds of people you can make a family with, do you just end up with unmet needs?!

I have what feels like a huge decision to make.

On the one hand - live in a place where my health and lifestyle thrive. But, it means moving away again. It means accepting less, in some ways. It means not experiencing what could develop with Nerdist. It means accepting that I won't have a poly community to meet with regularly, which means never quite fitting in, possibly being lonely.

On the other hand - live in a place where I feel loved and accepted. But, where my health does not thrive.

[redpepper]

Oh roly I feel for you. I hear you when you say you are scared and want you to know that, for what its worth, both Nerdist and I are here for you in any way we can be. He totally loves listening to you talk and hearing what you are going through. He appreciates vulnerability and will understand these things. I know, he's my husband. I have lived it.

Take care of yourself and put your dream out there. Its obtainable, illusive at this point, but is obtainable. I fully believe that.

Its late for me too.

Night night

[SchrodingersCat]

I know very little of your story, but I do know about chemical sensitivity because I have it. Mine's not as severe as it used to be (thankfully!) but it was definitely a contributing factor when I moved from Winnipeg to Saskatoon. Winnipeg isn't nearly as big as Vancouver, but it was too much for me -- the smell of the cars and perfumes, everyone right on top of each other. Yuck.

Of course, only you can make such a huge decision, but if your sensitivity is severe, it seems like the city isn't really an option no matter how strong your heart drives you there. Daily headaches, nausea... not something I would want to endure, no matter how great the love!

[rolypoly]

Oh roly I feel for you. I hear you when you say you are scared and want you to know that, for what its worth, both Nerdist and I are here for you in any way we can be. He totally loves listening to you talk and hearing what you are going through. He appreciates vulnerability and will understand these things. I know, he's my husband. I have lived it.

Take care of yourself and put your dream out there. Its obtainable, illusive at this point, but is obtainable. I fully believe that.

Thanks RP. Your support means a whole lot to me. I totally don't get how Nerdist could possibly be entertained by me fretting and processing everything, but I really love how much he appreciates vulnerability. I wish I could rewind to a time and place when I was solid in myself, sure of my path, grounded, happy, in a routine and say, "See! I'm not always like this".

I'm sure we've all faced times in our lives when everything seems unsure and the people around us need to go through the process along side us. I guess eventually it all settles in one direction or another and everything works out...

You're right. Anything and everything is obtainable. And yes, it seems so elusive and impossible to imagine right now. Everything feels so overwhelming. I just need to spend the day crying and processing...

I know very little of your story, but I do know about chemical sensitivity because I have it. Mine's not as severe as it used to be (thankfully!) but it was definitely a contributing factor when I moved from Winnipeg to Saskatoon. Winnipeg isn't nearly as big as Vancouver, but it was too much for me -- the smell of the cars and perfumes, everyone right on top of each other. Yuck.

Of course, only you can make such a huge decision, but if your sensitivity is severe, it seems like the city isn't really an option no matter how strong your heart drives you there. Daily headaches, nausea... not something I would want to endure, no matter how great the love!

Thanks SC. I completely understand the need to move from Winnipeg. I wouldn't hack it there. Does Saskatoon work well for you?

Mine is not as severe as it used to be either. But, it takes maintenance to keep it where it's at now (and to improve it). I'm used to having headaches most days and ignore them. I'm used to feeling easily tired. The symptoms that scare me are when I start having trouble focussing and remembering things. And when my muscles start to weaken (they used to get paralyzed). So, yes a big part of me - the part that has fought for 7 years to stay alive and healthy - is saying the same thing, "the city isn't really an option no matter how strong your heart drives you there, no matter how great the love".

I had a conversation with 'D' this morning. Her girlfriend lives in the US. They've had a long-distance relationship for the better part of 3 years. 'D' said this morning that as a couple, they've decided by August this year to make a decision one way or the other. Either her girlfriend immigrates to Canada and they plan to get married. Or, they break up and move on with their lives.

The way 'D' talked about it seemed so easy. I expressed that I didn't understand how moving on seemed like such an easy option. I really value the close connections I have. Being understood and cared for/caring for someone is something, when it is in my life, that I cherish dearly. It seems like such a difficult thing to achieve and sustain with people. How can letting that go be so easy?! How can things possibly boil down to either/or?

[SchrodingersCat]

Thanks SC. I completely understand the need to move from Winnipeg. I wouldn't hack it there. Does Saskatoon work well for you?

Saskatoon works GREAT for me. It's wide-open with nothing but flatness on all sides, so the wind blows right through and takes away most fumes. I go to USask, and there are increasingly more areas that are designated "scents-free" which makes a big difference. I've considered approaching the administration to make the entire campus be scents-free, referring to perfumes, colognes, after-shave, and body spray.

My symptoms tend to be light-headedness and difficulty focusing, sometimes dizzy enough that I need to sit down. That's worse with strong cleaning chemicals. Fragrances tend to just give me headaches and light-headedness.

I had a conversation with 'D' this morning. Her girlfriend lives in the US. They've had a long-distance relationship for the better part of 3 years. 'D' said this morning that as a couple, they've decided by August this year to make a decision one way or the other. Either her girlfriend immigrates to Canada and they plan to get married. Or, they break up and move on with their lives.

The way 'D' talked about it seemed so easy. I expressed that I didn't understand how moving on seemed like such an easy option. I really value the close connections I have. Being understood and cared for/caring for someone is something, when it is in my life, that I cherish dearly. It seems like such a difficult thing to achieve and sustain with people. How can letting that go be so easy?! How can things possibly boil down to either/or?

I've never had a long-distance relationship, I don't think I could do it. I mean, I guess with my husband working out of town 22 days a month, it's somewhat LD, but every second weekend is quite a bit more frequent than most LD relationships seem to manage, plus we get those entire weekends together, not just one day. And for some reason, since "my home is his home" it also doesn't feel like LD, just that he's out of town a lot. I have a friend at school whose husband lives in Toronto, and they only see each other at Christmas, spring break, and a week in the summer. I couldn't do that, at least not as a primary relationship.

I also find that I only really build connections with people in person. I can chat with someone for weeks, think we're really hitting it off, and then in one coffee date realize that there's absolutely no chemistry. So when dating online, I usually only "establish the basics" through chat and then push for an inperson meeting as soon as possible. I'm always taken aback when people are like "I'm not ready to meet in person yet, let's get to know each other by email first and see how it goes" whereas I feel it's impossible to get to know each other by email, because everything is edited and lacks body language and vocal expression. Want to know what someone is really like? Take away their Backspace :)

And don't even get me started on these crazy people who move clear across the country to move in with someone they've only ever chatted with online. Then they're crushed when things don't work out how they expected, whereas I was sitting around waiting to see how long until it blew up...

Sorry, I'm getting completely off-topic here. The point I'm trying to make is that I find it difficult to get "really close" to someone in a LDR and for me, that would make it much easier to "turn it off" than if I saw the person several times per week.

[idealist]

On the one hand - live in a place where my health and lifestyle thrive. But, it means moving away again. It means accepting less, in some ways. It means not experiencing what could develop with Nerdist. It means accepting that I won't have a poly community to meet with regularly, which means never quite fitting in, possibly being lonely.

Thanks for sharing!! I can't relate to the health struggles personally, but I have a few friends who struggle with that type of sensitivity. It must be hard! I would like to share with you that maybe it isn't all or nothing/black or white. Let's just say that perhaps The Universe or The Creator (or whatever Higher Power you resonate with) is abundantly able to provide for us the things we need and desire. Then, even in the smallest town, there is very likely more people for you to love. I live in a town with no poly community and I've managed to fall in love with a variety of people! Also- taking care of self by living in a place where your health can flourish is an important step (just like putting on the oxygen mask first and then helping others who can't get theirs on) in the process of being available physically, mentally and emotionally to those you do fall in love with. Also- when you're poly, you don't have to give up long distance love relationships. You can keep them and even if you only get to spend one week per year together, it's still love and it's still life enhancing!!

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm sure we've all faced times in our lives when everything seems unsure and the people around us need to go through the process along side us. I guess eventually it all settles in one direction or another and everything works out...





That's been my experience :)

[idealist]

And don't even get me started on these crazy people who move clear across the country to move in with someone they've only ever chatted with online. Then they're crushed when things don't work out how they expected, whereas I was sitting around waiting to see how long until it blew up....

Hahahaha......:D I soooo agree with you....but, the way I look at it is....it's good entertainment!!! :rolleyes:

[rolypoly]

I've never had a long-distance relationship, I don't think I could do it.

It's difficult. And it's a completely different kind of relationship than building a life together. I hear what you're saying about building connections in person. There are so many types of connection that don't happen with each other when it's long distance.


Let's just say that perhaps The Universe or The Creator (or whatever Higher Power you resonate with) is abundantly able to provide for us the things we need and desire.

I completely agree. It doesn't always look the way we think it will look. But, we always have what we need.

I live in a town with no poly community and I've managed to fall in love with a variety of people!

That's wonderful! It sounds like they are all mono? How has that worked for you?

Also- taking care of self by living in a place where your health can flourish is an important step.

Sometimes, it's the most important step. There is no sense in being with someone you love if you are not thriving. It's not fair to either person and not fun. If you want to share yourself, wouldn't you want to be the best "you" you can be? *sigh* Doesn't make this easier.

[idealist]

That's wonderful! It sounds like they are all mono? How has that worked for you?

Well, John and I haven't spoken in about a month since he changed his mind about being open to poly. He initially thought he was okay with it, but fell prey to the conservative Southern traditional mono mindset. I expect he'll be back to give in another try eventually. :p

Richard has always been mono, but after about 2 months of having me paint a picture for him of what his life could be like, he has embraced the poly lifestyle and says he is happy with it. He has one other sexual partner besides me and also occassionally dates other women.

Steven lives 1,000 miles away and we don't have the opportunity to see each other very often, but I still count him since I am in love with him and he means a lot to me. He does not share with me about his love life and I'm okay with that.

Charles is in a primary relationship with Holland and I've been withdrawing from that connection with them because of the dysfunction. But she knew he wasn't mono when she met him.

I met Katherine about 1 1/2 years ago and she expressed some bi-curiosity. We are open to meeting a guy that we can potentially have a V or triad with. Finding a woman like Katherine is not going to happen every day.....we met at a party through mutual friends. On the other hand, it's fairly easy to find guys who are intereted.....there are at least 5 guys in our social circle who are opened to a relationship with me and Katherine (including Richard and Charles) but we are more focused on James and Brent right now for that since they are both more stable than Charles and more physically available than Richard. Of course, now that Katherine has taken a new job which takes her out of town for 5 weeks at a time, our relationship has slowed down too.

All of that to say that I am happy so far with my progress in this small town with no poly community- especially since I just "came out" as poly within the last 6 months. For me, the key is patience. ;)

[rolypoly]

Richard has always been mono, but after about 2 months of having me paint a picture for him of what his life could be like, he has embraced the poly lifestyle and says he is happy with it. He has one other sexual partner besides me and also occassionally dates other women.

You're converting them all. ;) (kidding)


It sounds like you've made some good connections. Wow and all in six months. I appreciate hearing about the long distance connections you have also.

Nerdist came over tonight and we talked about our options. Neither of us is ruling out a LDR. Spending time with him and exploring where to go next together took all the pressure off. I feel really good knowing that "we" are working this out. I feel confident that I will make a good decision and I won't compromise my needs or Nerdist and his family's needs. I feel good about what we share and I feel so blessed to share support with RP, Mono, Derby....

[MonoVCPHG]

Nerdist came over tonight and we talked about our options. Neither of us is ruling out a LDR. Spending time with him and exploring where to go next together took all the pressure off. I feel really good knowing that "we" are working this out. I feel confident that I will make a good decision and I won't compromise my needs or Nerdist and his family's needs. I feel good about what we share and I feel so blessed to share support with RP, Mono, Derby....

Just adding a :D to this. Glad you had a good night. While you were chatting I was curled up against Redpepper's shoulder trying to get rid of my jet-lag. See you on the weekend for a visit hopefully :)

[rolypoly]

While you were chatting I was curled up against Redpepper's shoulder trying to get rid of my jet-lag. See you on the weekend for a visit hopefully :)

*gush* I'm glad you two had a good night together also.

I'll see you camping this weekend and for dinner next week. :D

[MonoVCPHG]

I'll see you camping this weekend and for dinner next week. :D

Wednesday night dinner I believe! Looking forward to it :)

[redpepper]

I love how i add this to the google and you all know without me telling you... or did Nerdist email? ooooo, he does like you roly, he usually leave that stuff up to me! ;) yet he was right on it! :p

[MonoVCPHG]

Slow and steady wins the race...feeling very fortunate to have the people in my life:D

[idealist]

It sounds like you've made some good connections. Wow and all in six months. I appreciate hearing about the long distance connections you have also.

Steven is my soul mate. We have a spiritual connection. My life is enhanced just by knowing he exists on the planet. I know that sounds corny, but it's true for me. I've known him about 10 years and we can't be together because neither of us are willing to relocate. He is very active with his family (elderly mother and 4 adult children with grandkids) and I have never been willing to relocate. I have a business and a life here and I'm not interested in moving. But, we do get to spend some time together and I so look forward to that. We are not a part of each other's daily lives, but I think about him a lot.....the thought of him is always in the back of my mind. :o

[rolypoly]

I love how i add this to the google and you all know without me telling you... or did Nerdist email? ooooo, he does like you roly, he usually leave that stuff up to me! ;) yet he was right on it! :p

Did I miss something? Are you talking about Wednesday dinner? You mean Nerdist would normally leave it up to you to invite me to dinner?! I'm confused. :p

[rolypoly]

Steven is my soul mate. We have a spiritual connection. My life is enhanced just by knowing he exists on the planet. I know that sounds corny, but it's true for me. I've known him about 10 years and we can't be together because neither of us are willing to relocate. He is very active with his family (elderly mother and 4 adult children with grandkids) and I have never been willing to relocate. I have a business and a life here and I'm not interested in moving. But, we do get to spend some time together and I so look forward to that. We are not a part of each other's daily lives, but I think about him a lot.....the thought of him is always in the back of my mind. :o

Not corny at all!

I can completely relate to this. Although I feel sad about this for my life because I seem to have a trail left behind me of people I have loved very much, but am not with for one reason or another. I still love them, but so far I have not manifested the kind of love that turns into a living arrangement/family/kids...

I guess you're catching me on a sad day. Most days, I would say that it's beautiful to have shared any kind of deep spiritual connection with anyone. In fact, I feel this way about my mother. I only got to spend 28 years with her, but I still think about her every single day and love her beyond this life. Definite soul connection.

And I feel this way about other people I have loved. When it boils down to it, love goes beyond the physical realm. But, we are still physical beings. Distance does not necessarily make love end, but it changes the way it can be carried out in the physical world.

It's nice that you get to spend time with Steven.

[redpepper]

Did I miss something? Are you talking about Wednesday dinner? You mean Nerdist would normally leave it up to you to invite me to dinner?! I'm confused. :p

both really, to invite you to dinner and to tell you when would be best in a timely fashion.... our social calender is quite commonly my domain. Only because I am good at it and Nerdist would hermit if I didn't entice him out of his thoughts and mind... such is our relationship.

Actually it was me who suggested in to begin with, otherwise we won't see you before you go! :)

[rolypoly]

Nerdist would hermit if I didn't entice him out of his thoughts and mind... such is our relationship.

I'm exactly the same way. ;) Think you can handle dragging two people out of their heads? LOL!!!

[redpepper]

Haha. Well likely I will be able to handle that.

[MonoVCPHG]

Nice seeing you this weekend Roly..hope I wasn't too obnoxious after a bottle of Whiskey :o

[rolypoly]

I wasn't the one who was annoyed. ;)

[MonoVCPHG]

:o

[redpepper]

I wasn't the one who was annoyed. ;)

oh dear... who was then? :confused:

[rolypoly]

Oh, lol, at one point your boy seemed mad when we were making noise and he couldn't sleep. But, the mice and the raccoons were far more "obnoxious". ;)

[rolypoly]

I'm going to continue this here. Not a story of success and happiness and belongs in my ongoing, "Oh my god, wtf, I'm ungrounded" thread. ;)

I can't speak for Redpepper or Polynerdist but "energy" is what seams to give me confidence in the people I meet. I feel it with you and Derby as well as with Redpepper's tersiary. It's easy to be patient for people who have a certain energy about them. It's the kind of energy that doesn't make demands or impose...it says "here I am" and merely shares in a way that is natural and inviting.

(I'm still confused about who RP's tertiary is...) I get exactly what you mean about energy. It's something I've based a lot of my life on. This aspect I have no doubts about. The physical aspects I have trouble fitting.

Love can live outside the physical realm. Some aspects live in the physical - smell, touch... but falling in love can happen outside of all practical borders. So, fitting in terms of energy, personalities, feelings... is not going to erase the physical challenges.

In many ways I'm starting to feel like I fit. In other ways, I feel scared. I need to make a decision fairly soon about where to move (unless I want to spend another winter in a one room cabin by myself with no bath, no indoor toilet, chopping wood, starting fires, slow internet, dark, stormy and windy for six months...)

The truth is that the lifestyle I need to live for the sake of my health is very different from the lifestyle that is already established. And although I can have all the fantasies I want about taking you all with me ;) somewhere that my health can thrive, this is obviously completely a fantasy.

You are all moving in a very certain direction. You've been working at this for a while and deserve to have a successful, happy living arrangement together. I fear that I don't fit into that, despite that energetically it feels great to be with all of you! I feel a lot of love, trust and safety.

This is very hard.

[MonoVCPHG]

You haven't met RP's tersiary but he is a great guy and has been in her and Polynerdists' life
practically since they first met. The word Tersiary is not adequate but people understand it as a common term on here....he is much more to her than what the label implies.

I can't speak with any great deal of wisdom about the physical aspect of being closer for you but I do see the challenge in that.

This is very hard...but it doesn't always have to be hard. We're here for you :)

[Derbylicious]

No decision that you're going to make is irreversible. If you do decide to move here and your health can't take it there's always the option of moving somewhere else that will work for you. If you decide to stay where you are for the time being there's always the option of moving at a later date. Go with your gut though. Making the best decision with the information that we have at the present time is the best any of us can do.

You have a whole lot of people here who are willing to have stuff bounced off them. Just keep talking, what is right for you will be what happens.

-Derby

[redpepper]

I wrote this in another thread,

"I'm really impressed with how its been going for you so far. You are really being smart and respectful. Your consideration for all concerned and your self is to be commended. The time and patience you have been taking is great.

I think you have lots of time to work this out and let things fall into place. A lot of your concerns will be answered in time and the answers will become evident if you leave them to manifest into what should become.

After all, its all new and no doubt you have not only some NRE (new relationship energy) with him, but the whole situation and poly itself." http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2876

I think I am essentially saying it to you too. Nerdist and I talked this morning about everything that is going on for you and he asked that I write to you. I don't know if I should get too involved except to say that for me things are going just fine. The door is opened a crack and we are all looking inside to see what might be, that is entirely the right pace I think. We agree that there is potential for that door to open, but it should be left up to the future I think.... and patience.

Bottom line is for you to find a place where you can take care of your physical and mental health. The rest will follow. It's not like there will be an end if you move far away. It will just be different and take a different pace than if you lived here. Sure it would suck for the two of you, but it doesn't have to. There will be visits, emails, phone calls.... stuff you already are doing.

I'm not sure what the rush is to figure any of it out. There is the whole summer and when the time comes and winter is upon us, it might be more evident. Other than that the pace you are going and the exploration you are doing, as are we, is par for the course and a journey that we should all be enjoying as far as I am concerned.

[rolypoly]

Mono and Derby, thank you so much for being supportive. I'm still a little taken aback by how supportive and welcoming this poly community has been.


I wrote this in another thread,

"I'm really impressed with how its been going for you so far. You are really being smart and respectful. Your consideration for all concerned and your self is to be commended. The time and patience you have been taking is great.

I think you have lots of time to work this out and let things fall into place. A lot of your concerns will be answered in time and the answers will become evident if you leave them to manifest into what should become.

After all, its all new and no doubt you have not only some NRE (new relationship energy) with him, but the whole situation and poly itself." http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2876

I think I am essentially saying it to you too.

I did read this. :) I agree. It is wonderful to take time to let things fall into place.

I'm not sure what the rush is to figure any of it out. There is the whole summer and when the time comes and winter is upon us, it might be more evident.

The rush is 100% about my own life and comfort level. I don't feel any rush with the relationships. I feel rushed to plan a move somewhere. I need to be out of my cabin in August and that is a perfect time to move - both because I'll be packing my stuff anyway and because the weather is conducive. If I return in September, I am essentially committing to another winter there. And I dread another winter there.

Anyway, I'm going to just give it a rest for a bit....

[MonoVCPHG]

Anyway, I'm going to just give it a rest for a bit....

Have a tea and read a book. Take a night off Roly :)

[redpepper]

Have a tea and read a book. Take a night off Roly :)

or talk to Nerdist while I deal with cat pee on a carpet. I shook it out side and it splattered all over me... I tried to put it in the wash and there was a back up of washing and I was covered in pee and holding a pee soaked mat.

I had to cut your conversation short in order to get some help :o sorry for interrupting.

I suggested to Nerdist that perhaps he should drive you around a bit to look at areas... there is some beautiful places that don't mean you have to live in the city, but I realize it might be hard to know this if you are busing it. Maybe it would help? It sounds like your alternative is not great either... you already lived there once no? and had to leave there too... although I don't know the circumstances.

[rolypoly]

or talk to Nerdist while I deal with cat pee on a carpet.

LOL!! Put in this way, it does sound rather funny. Hope it wasn't too much of a disaster.

I had to cut your conversation short in order to get some help :o sorry for interrupting.

RP, if I were covered in pee, I'd hope for the same. LOL!!! :D

I suggested to Nerdist that perhaps he should drive you around a bit to look at areas... there is some beautiful places that don't mean you have to live in the city, but I realize it might be hard to know this if you are busing it.

Nothing stops me from buying another car. I just resist it because it's such a hassle.

It sounds like your alternative is not great either... you already lived there once no? and had to leave there too... although I don't know the circumstances.

No, I didn't have to leave. I chose to leave to be with my ex, to come back to my island and build a house. That place actually worked really well for me in most ways while I was there.