View Full Version : New to Poly
08-22-2012, 04:44 PM
After "attempting" our first attempt at a poly (Triad) relationship i have come away broken. I am wondering how others deal with jealousy, insecurities, etc. Hope to hear from you all.
08-22-2012, 05:18 PM
Have you read Franklin Veaux's site, especially the parts about jealousy? http://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html
08-23-2012, 10:21 PM
Welcome to our forum.
I think jealousy and insecurity sometimes grow out of feeling like you have some kind of need that isn't being met. You have to get to the bottom of that, and communication is usually essential. Not just how much you communicate, but how well you communicate. We can all do better, it's a lifelong learning process.
I also recommend the link drtalon mentioned. Hope some of this helps.
08-24-2012, 01:22 PM
It is very hard for me - I see the bigger picture of having a third - but at the same time i have so many insecurities....My husband reassures me and is always reminding me why he loves me - I guess Fake it Until I Make It?
08-24-2012, 03:06 PM
Good luck! Here's some more advice from http://www.morethantwo.com/polytips.html -
Don't coerce your relationships into a predefined shape; let them be what they are
Sometimes, people--particularly people who are already part of an established couple--decide what kind of relationship they want, what form that relationship will take, and then try to fit a person into that space.
People are complex, and every person will have his or her own ideas and desires and needs in a relationship. Trying to force a person in a box--for example, trying to say "You can only date both of us and you have to develop a relationship with both of us that's exactly the same and grows in exactly the same way"--rarely works. Instead, treat your relationships in a way that respects what they are. Give each person a voice; you are having a relationship, not looking for spare parts! Listen to what the relationship is telling you, instead of trying to force it to be something specific.
08-24-2012, 03:24 PM
I think what made things so incredibly hard was the fact that she had never been in this type of a situation before and really wasn't sure but in the long run she said she is mono and wants a husband of her own so in a way she played with our emotions and gave us false hope so it made all my insecurities come into play.I really hope there is someone out there to complete our triad. It would be so nice.
08-24-2012, 04:32 PM
How did she play with your emotions? How long were the three of you dating?
08-24-2012, 05:56 PM
She said to my husband that she was really into the situation even though she never thought about it. But any time the three of us would talk after she would say to me that this isn't God's way and in the bible a woman is not supposed to lay with another woman. From the very beginning we were up front and honest about what we were looking for. We were dating for about 6 months - she tended to talk more to my husband than me and when i would try to call her she wouldn't respond. So I had talked to my husband about the situation and we talked about it. She had said that she really didn't like the idea of me being involved in a committed relationship she really just wanted to have fun - But fun to her was going out drinking and then coming to us and spending the night with the both of us - and we would take that as perhaps she is coming around - and she would say yeah i can do this....It was a constant flip flop of emotions. And it really wasn't fair or so I think it wasn't fair. So we have backed away from the whole relationship aspect at this point and have decided just to be friends. She said that she doesn't understand how we can want someone else involved in our marriage and that she wants a husband of her own. So that is fine with the both of us but the fact that now we feel hurt and confused about everything that happens has affected the primary relationship between the two of us. Now I am left feeling like an outsider. But my husband reassures me that he will not go forward in any relationship unless it is what we are looking for - or at least where we all feel comfortable.
08-24-2012, 06:15 PM
Welcome to the forum.
Sorry to hear the news. You need time to heal from your break up with this woman. *hug*
There is nothing wrong with feeling jealous -- it's just a flag feeling letting your know something isn't quite QUITE. It says "Look here and examine this thing!" And in this case?
She wasn't being totally honest about her wants, needs, and limits. Because she was not honest with HERSELF first (I really just want a husband in a monogamous situation) and she wasn't honest with YOU guys. Maybe you guys were not totally honest to yourselves either -- it's easy to get excited about finally finding a triad person and you overlook early clues.
So it was polyship trying to fly on weak wings.
I know that isn't easy to take or feel, but a broken heart still keeps on beating.
This is opportunity for you and DH to CLOSE to make repairs on your tier of the polymath, and to review how you want to be treated by your Spice in future should you Open again. How everyone will agree to be so they stay in right relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/member.php?u=49794)to each other, deal with conflict resolution, etc. while flying the polyship adventure.
Don't be in a hurry to jump into bed. Get the other buckets in sync first. Mind and heart -- to see if you truly are matching up as a team and this truly seems like a runner. Then bring on the Body and Soul into play. Spend more time just dating and enjoying it rather than rushing forward to long term commitment.
Know your OWN limits -- and if you have discovered some new ones from this experience, process that and articulate it to your husband. Maybe you want to wait longer before going lover-ly. Maybe you want to spend more time talking in heart-to-heart conversation and sharing of minds. Maybe you don't want a triad configuration and would find another open relationship model (http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/open.html)easier to fly?
Review resources like morethantwo.com (http://www.morethantwo.com/) and serolynne.com (http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm)
Esp the polymath (http://www.serolynne.com/poly_complex.htm)and jealousy management.
Do your self care for YOU, and care for each other also. Breaking up stinks. But it isn't the end of the world. Hang in there.
08-24-2012, 06:40 PM
Hi there. I see you're in Central New York State. There are a few members here who might live near you. Check out http://www.thebirdcage.org/, which is a poly group for NYS. I believe that a member here, Cieldumatin (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/member.php?u=1073), is involved or runs it (not sure). I just think you would benefit from meeting other polyfolk for support and socializing. Hey, it couldn't hurt!
08-24-2012, 07:46 PM
Yes I actually joined the Birdcage group today - looking forward to talking to others!!:)