View Full Version : update on how often to communicate
08-20-2012, 09:41 PM
Ok, I had posted previously to get input on how often to communicate with a secondary or "other significant relationship." We did have a good discussion and set some things that I felt good about. I really have overcome my insecurities and felt more confident in our relationship until now. He is very moody, inconsistent and I'm having trouble keeping up. For example, at times he seems like he wants to go out, hit a bar, go dance and then other times he doesn't want to go out or do anything for weeks. Weird to me. I know he is getting over his separation (6 months now) but it is alot to take. He doesnt' want to be exclusive and is has a girlfriend (primary) but told her he will date others and doesn't want anything that will be long term for now. She is struggling with this and keeps pushing him to be exclusive. She lives 3 hours away so now he is spending every other weekend with her, 3 whole days. Or she comes here and spends the whole weekend. So I guess this is how its going to be. Very limited window of time to see him. He doesn't see it. I hadn't heard from him since last Wed. I am trying so friggin hard to be patient but its killing me. I emailed him friday early and he never responded til this afternoon. This makes me nuts, I've been harboring so much anger at this lack of responsiveness especially when I really share personal feelings in an email and he at times will not even respond at all. Since he didn't have the consideration to let me know when he got back last night (we agreed to let each other know the night before what the next days plans would be) I refused to text, email or call him. He finally responded by email today. I asked him if he could come over for dinner. No response all day then he says no he's too tired and had been napping. I texted that he doesnt have time for me and I'm tired of his no responsiveness. guess what?? no response still. I am not sure I can be with someone who does not consider my feelings and respond to emails or follow through with agreements. I'm beyond pissed.
08-20-2012, 11:02 PM
I can't offer any good advice. I can just say that we go through this all the time!! My wife and her secondary(s) I should say. I don't know why it is so hard to communicate or want to be with someone...It is frustrating, annoying, and a down right pain in the ass that the men in our life just don't seem to put in the same effort. Sign me, Guy who cares about feelings and wouldn't do this! lol ;) Good luck to you.
08-21-2012, 01:27 AM
I understand what you are saying.
I quit sending emails to my husband and my boyfriend because I found out that they didn't even READ them. Over 1000 unopened messages in their inboxes over the last year or so.
But, on the other side of the coin:
the week before my period, I tend to be non-responsive to the point of being outright reclusive.
I don't usually realize it until the day after I start my period, and then it hits me (and we all live together) that I haven't had a conversation with either of them in a week! :eek:
So, I do think a little give and take is necessary.
BUT-that isn't an excuse for continuously being distant and non-responsive.
I'm not sure the solution-but thought I'd share my experiences as food for thought.
08-21-2012, 04:28 AM
You started another thread to update from this one? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25978)
Alright. Please could you add paragraph breaks? That would make it a bit easier on my old eyes. (I joke, but it really would help me. :) )
He finally responded by email today. I asked him if he could come over for dinner. No response all day then he says no he's too tired and had been napping. I texted that he doesnt have time for me and I'm tired of his no responsiveness. guess what?? no response still. I am not sure I can be with someone who does not consider my feelings and respond to emails or follow through with agreements. I'm beyond pissed.
Yup. You can't be with someone like that. That why I have "3 strikes you are out" -- if it is the same issue, I've brought it up, and it keeps on the same with no real try at change. I want serious players only.
He has the energy or willingness to put in X.
You have wants/needs for Y.
He's been doing this song and dance for a while, and now he doesn't follow through on an agreement.
Since he didn't have the consideration to let me know when he got back last night (we agreed to let each other know the night before what the next days plans would be)
Not just that broken promise. In your old post it was revealed he lies/fails to follow through on plan making.
You are like 2 mos in on his SECOND CHANCE with you.
Hon, this is not gonna be a runner.
Not if you want hot ethics.
I am sorry if that is Hard to Hear. :(
08-21-2012, 12:23 PM
if you live with them, why do you send them emails? face time is in all ways superior. Personally if I lived with someone and they sent me lots of emails, Id probably not read them.
Did you ever ask them "did you get my email?"
Usually people who email/txt over actual face time, and a reluctance to talk in person are generally passive agressive. Not picking on you, just an observation Ive made in life.
08-22-2012, 12:59 AM
I am not sure I can be with someone who does not consider my feelings and respond to emails or follow through with agreements. I'm beyond pissed.
There ya go. That tells you everything you need to know. This isn't working for you--so change it. He appears to be treating you as entirely optional and you've been enabling him in that, so you're establishing yourself as entirely optional in his life.
I'll suggest placing a limit on how long you'll wait for a response from him, and if you don't get one, plan to do something else at the time you wanted to do something with him. He can step up and negotiate ties or not have time with you.
08-25-2012, 01:19 AM
After much thought and soul searching I did finally end it. I wanted to end it properly on the phone but it got ridiculous as we couldn't find a convenient time to talk so I decided to email him my feelings yesterday afternoon and just let him know everything. So its over now. I'm sad but know it was for the best. moving on now. (or trying to)
08-25-2012, 01:20 AM
I'm sorry you hurt right now.
It's never easy making these kinds of choices.
08-25-2012, 10:44 PM
You know, the decision is ultimately yours to make and all I can offer is advice that will definitely have my priorities set in it ... so please take this with a grain of salt.
My initial reaction was that if it had been myself in your shoes; he'd no longer be in my life. While it is difficult to remove yourself from a situation like this where there are a lot of emotions involved; it's not healthy to be with someone who so clearly ignores your security blanket and comes up with every excuse to justify doing so.
When my ex-husband and I mutually decided to divorce, my biggest worry wasn't for myself, but for him. He hated paying bills, doing chores, basically doing anything and everything that has to be done. I worried he'd fail and fall and I decided that the best thing for me was to move to another state. It wasnt' even because I was still in love with him that I worried. I felt responsible for him as I'd taken care of him for so long.
You have a decision to make and it's simple. Either you stay and continue to be the only one trying to make it work OR you leave. How you arrive at the decision that is correct for you will be the hard part. But you will find that once you've made the decision, the rest gets a whole lot easier.
I wish I could hug you for real.