View Full Version : When to introduce a possible secondary to your primary?
08-06-2012, 08:10 PM
Hey everyone, I'd like some advice!
So I've got an OKCupid profile currently and recently have a couple very nice women who I know I want to pursue friendships with. I am uncertain if these relationships will go any further, but I also don't know that they won't. I've hung out with one of them 3 times now, all 1 on 1, and the other one I've met with once.
Both of these women invited me out last weekend, when I mentioned this to my fiance, she asked if she was invited as well. I told her I didn't think so and she wasn't very happy about that. She wanted to meet these people too.
My question is this, when is a good time to introduce possible secondaries to your primary? My fiance thinks right off the bat should be natural and acceptable to start hanging out as a group of three. I'm worried that 1. it's too soon to introduce them (if I can't define the relationship, I think it's too soon) and 2. if I introduce them and we hang out as a group then the relationship might not build up to what it will be if we just hang out one on one.
To put it in perspective, this is the first time I've come across this situation. My fiance and I opened up a few months ago, and these are the first friendships I've started with interested women as a poly man. So any advice would be appreciated. Maybe I'm just over thinking things?
08-06-2012, 08:34 PM
My old rule?
I don't get excited unless there something to be excited about. Ex:
You are dating someone more seriously. This could affect my calendar.
You are going loverly and it could affect my health.
So I'd ask your fiancee what her idea of a date number is. Aks your 3 date person -- what her date number is. And see if they want you to be organizing a simple coffee date to exchange particulars. *shrug*
Do it how YOU want to do it with you poly peeps. THEY are the ones you need to be asking for wants, needs, and limits.
I want to meet prospective partners of my hubby's before they have contact with each others' naughty bits.
Hubby wants to meet my prospective partners when he knows they're going to be around for a while (at least 3 dates over the span of about a month and me seeming excited about the person OR consistent dates/talking for about 2 months).
Other people do it differently, like GG said, do what is right for you and yours.
Is there a particular reason she thought she would meet these women when you did? Have you been talking to them together?
08-06-2012, 08:50 PM
No, she's not talked to them at all yet. She didn't want to make an OKC profile, cause she has me and her gf and isn't interested in any more romantic relationships. I think she just assumed that anyone I'd meet would be friends with us as a couple first. But I dunno how easy that will be?
08-06-2012, 08:54 PM
Thus far, it's always worked best if we meet before anything happens-ie, the same day they meet face to face for the first time-if they met online, or the first time they are going to meet "out of context" from where they met (if they met at work for example).
Now-that's not to say that we "go over rules" or anything like that. It's more of a "hey this is my wife LR, this is So and So," then, generally, I would go on my way to whatever activity I have planned unless the other person had specifically requested we all do lunch or coffee or whatever.
The REASON we do it that way, is that it tends to reduce the chances that the new person gets it in their head that they are getting a single man, when they aren't.
Likewise, I don't consider ANYONE a potential lover if they haven't met my husband AND my boyfriend (who lives with us). Not a chance. I always (no rule here, just my personal preference) meet new people WITH one or the other (hubby/bf) and then go from there.
Same reason, I want them to KNOW I am in happy relationships. My availability has nothing to do with the TYPICAL mono-assumption that I am in an unsatisfying relationship and "on the prowl for someone new" so I can leave.
It really helps ensure that the POLY is kept in our poly arrangement.
It's much easier to build up to a healthy romantic relationship with someone who is fully accepting of my dynamic (and I KNOW IT because they've met and been around my lovers comfortably) than it is to establish a HEALTHY romantic relationship with someone who has no contact with my lovers.
So-to sum it up-you can do it anyway you want to.
But, those of us who want to meet asap-have some valid, healthy reasons for it.
As much as I'd love to say there was no longer any issue of cowgirls/cowboys being on the prowl for polys-it would be a lie and these people can reek way way more drama in a relationship than is worth dealing with.
08-06-2012, 08:56 PM
It's different for everyone.
I didn't meet my boyfriend's OSO until we had been together for 6 months. After 6 months, we were already starting to fall in love with each other, already very intimate with each other.
I actually felt hurt that I hadn't met her sooner. His past lovers had all met her and they didn't last as long as he and I had been together already. So why not introduce me, was there something wrong with me?
His reason was that she didn't have many friends and she tended to befriend the ladies that he brought home to meet her. Then, when the relationships ended soon after, so did the friendship with her. So once he realized how deeply he and I were involved with each other, he brought me home to meet her.
It went well but oh boy was I ever nervous!
To each their own...you have to determine your own boundaries.
Hope this helps!
08-06-2012, 08:59 PM
Thanks for all the advice! This is great to hear different arguments each way.
08-06-2012, 09:27 PM
I think having them meet early on is fine if that's what makes everyone comfortable and happy. A simple chat, coffee date, whatever, to make sure everyone's on the same page can be helpful.
But, I think it's inappropriate that your fiance wants it all to be a socially packaged deal. You should have alone time to develop relationships, and I don't think it's either necessary or helpful to have everyone joined at the hip from the beginning.
If, after saying hey or sharing a cup of coffee, they both hit it off and want to develop their own friendship or relationship, then yay for them! Unless you are specifically dating as a couple (which I'm skeptical about anyway), however, you deserve time to figure out your relationships in your own space.
Fly and I don't really meet each other's dates at all, except inadvertently. But we're weird like that :)
08-06-2012, 11:24 PM
I think she just assumed that anyone I'd meet would be friends with us as a couple first. But I dunno how easy that will be?
I'd be more worried about what ELSE is going on assumed expectations here. Talk to her about that and try to sort it all out before it bites you in the butt.
Nobody likes to come to find there were unspoken rules, assumptions, expectations, etc.
08-06-2012, 11:51 PM
I was a secondary for a while, and my situation was kind of complicated because I already knew the girlfriend of the guy who I was seeing. We didn't need to meet for the first time because she already knew me. However, it'd been about 11 months since we'd seen or talked to each other (when I started dating her boyfriend) so it was necessary to "re-meet" each other, so to speak. That took place after the guy's and my fourth date. He and I had also had sex on our fourth date. So what I'm assuming happened is that...he told her that we had sex (they probably agreed to tell each other when carnal relations took place), and that immediately compelled her to want to meet up with me. The morning after the night I had sex with him (well, around 11 a.m. that morning), I got a text from her that said "Coffee? :)"
If I were in the position she was in, I'd probably want to meet around then, too, as soon as you know the person is gonna be someone your boyfriend or girlfriend really plans to date for a while. Although, personally, I would just as soon not meet them, also, not until later. I'm happy with a "don't ask don't tell" thing for longer than most people. I think, really, you save yourself some weird feelings going that route for a while. People look down on it a lot, as if it's somehow wrong, but I don't think it has to be wrong. Just keeps things private for a while.
08-07-2012, 03:13 AM
........ I think she just assumed that anyone I'd meet would be friends with us as a couple first. But I dunno how easy that will be?
I think this is the issue that needs to be clarified between the two of you to start with.
08-07-2012, 08:40 PM
I like to meet once for coffee or a drink, meet twice to see if there is a reason to meet more (longer date) and then they meet my live in partners. Sometimes I get them to pick me up and have a brief meet up at the door. After that we tend to do a group thing so that everyone can talk. I have four partners and a son, I like to make sure everyone fits and that everyone is comfy with each other... After that the intimacy is negotiated. Sometimes it changes up a little, but that's the way I have rolled for many years now.
08-07-2012, 10:35 PM
RP-you just rock. :)
08-08-2012, 06:28 AM
Ginko happily skips the first date so she can save her time for something else, but likes to pop in briefly if there's a 2nd or 3rd date just to see if she likes them and vice versa. We'd want to meet anyone before things got serious to make sure we all fit well together, even though the person would likely only be seeing one of us romantically.
I'd feel odd dating someone that discouraged communication with their other partners as I'd want confirmation that everything was okay.
08-08-2012, 04:21 PM
My fiance thinks right off the bat should be natural and acceptable to start hanging out as a group of three.
Ugh. I wouldn't want to meet a guy's partner before I've determined whether or not I am even interested. It would feel too much like an audition. If I want proof that she consents to his dating others, I'd be fine with an email or phone call from her, or some other proof like her online dating profile.
Also: why does she want to hang out as a group of three? Where did she get the idea that that was supposed to happen? Are you looking for a gf for her as well? If you're dating separately, date separately.
Introduce them when it feels like there is potential for something to develop, if you think you want to continue seeing these woman. Also ask when they would feel comfortable to meet her. Sometimes an introductory email is enough of a "meeting." Your fiancée (you are the fiance, she is the fiancée) doesn't need to befriend them. Although some of your new love interests might like to, it is not required that metamours get along and become chummy. All that's needed is polite, respectful acknowledgement. If she is having a fit about this, you both need to sit down and come to some agreement on this point that feels comfy and natural for both of you.