How common is it for guys in Poly to be their girls primary in everyway but one?

[Nathan]

When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.

[KyleKat]

When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.

So basically you take care of her but someone else gets most of the sex? Well, that depends on your setup and personal preference. I would not be okay with this as my sex drive is extremely high. Are you okay with this? Have you spoken to her? What's her response?

[AnnabelMore]

Yeah, you're going to have to explain a little better. Is it that you and he both spend roughly equal time with her sexually but he's more successful at meeting her sexual needs, or does she just engage in sex much more with him than with you (and if so, has she said why), or what?

[Nathan]

So basically you take care of her but someone else gets most of the sex? Well, that depends on your setup and personal preference. I would not be okay with this as my sex drive is extremely high. Are you okay with this? Have you spoken to her? What's her response?

Yeah, you're going to have to explain a little better. Is it that you and he both spend roughly equal time with her sexually but he's more successful at meeting her sexual needs, or does she just engage in sex much more with him than with you (and if so, has she said why), or what?

Yes, at the moment Aurelie does engage in sex with him much more than she does with me. This is because both his wife and I have agreed that they can see each other whenever they want. Before they had set nights together, which they still do have, but now he can also come to my house to see her when he wants to, and Aurelie can go to his. Aurelie has said that they are taking advantage of this new freedom, and that they are experiencing a NRE type energy. I'm happy for them to share this together at the moment.

Normally, our sex life is very active and loving, so it's not a matter of who gets the most sex, him or I, it's more as you suggest, that he is more successful at meeting her sexual needs than I am. I have seen them together, and they do have a really incredible sexual chemistry together, and I'm happy to see her have that in her life.

I asked the question because I think that it would be unusual for guys to be as calm about it as I am. I think part of the reason for this is because I'm turned on by her being with another man and that someone is more able and better equipped to satisfy her than me. It was something that I was very embarrassed about, and it took encouragement from Aurelie for me to come to terms with it. The three of us are very comfortable with the sexual dynamic we share now, so it's great.

I think that we are very honest with each other, and this really does help our poly relationship.

Are others as honest with each other, or is it a case of people saying things like.........

"I love you both, and enjoy the sex we have in different ways, but your both equal." Even if that isn't true.

Or maybe they allow these things to go unsaid?

It's like when mothers tell their kids that she loves them all equally, when in truth, this is rarely true. She may treat them equal, but in her heart, she will have a favourite.

So, how do other guys cope with a situation like that? You know that the girl you love more than anyone else in the world, loves you just as much, but prefers the sex she has with her other partner? Are they madly jealous, turned-on or excepting in other ways?

Thanks

[LovingRadiance]

love and having a favorite are different to me. I have 3 kids of my own. I love them all equally.
BUT my favorite is the one I get along with best.
The one who gets the most from me is the one who I've had the longest AND shared 6 years alone with.

But-favorite isnt=to any aspect of the love I have for them. Its about who I enjoy most to hang out with.

The same is true with my guys.

It's not as clear cut as you define-but one of them is primary in many ways and the other is primary in some other ways.
Ironically, the one I have the least sex with is much like you said-takes it well and easy going about accepting that he doesn't fulfill that part for me as well.
But, the one who I have the most sex with tends to be insecure about it (WTF?).

I love both of them with equall depth. I would not be able to choose one or the ohter if I had the whole "hanging from a cliff who do you pull up" example.
HOweVEr, I certainly have a favorite for who I confide in and am most vulnerable with emotionally, I have a different favorite for who I party with etc...

Favorites come into play regarding what activities I want to participate in-there are different people who are my favorite for different things.
But love-totally unrelated.

[GalaGirl]

Aw.... you guys sound like you are in a good place in your polyship. It's tender bittersweet sweet. I so love that feeling!

The feeling of ***It's wonderdul! It's horrible! It's wonderful! Gah! LOVELOVELOVE! WHEE!*** :D

Are others as honest with each other,

Yes, DH and I are that honest with each other.

or is it a case of people saying things like..."I love you both, and enjoy the sex we have in different ways, but your both equal." Even if that isn't true. Or maybe they allow these things to go unsaid?

In previous V where I was MFM hinge? In our previous "V" arrangement, this was not yet earned. It was a soft limit.


Both knew I loved and was seeing the other.

Both knew I would NOT dicuss sex information beyond hygiene needs.

Discussion of personal preferences, abilities, proclivities and so forth was guarded under the Covenant of the Bedroom. (the soft limit)


So there was no cross-sharing of TMI information beyond names, when it went loverly, and what was needed for safer sex hygiene. DH (Then BF) was the most comfortable with the intrigue first on that one I think. I was ok with it for ME but uncertain with the others owning it. I would have been willing to go there and lower the TMI wall a bit to let some other things flow to find out. OSO had the hardest time with TMI walls coming down. So they stayed up to his comfort zone so we could be at the slowest speed person. Then all were mostly fine. Yay for happy medium solutions.

So, how do other guys cope with a situation like that? You know that the girl you love more than anyone else in the world, loves you just as much, but prefers the sex she has with her other partner? Are they madly jealous, turned-on or excepting in other ways?

Should the TMI wall be down?

DH and I honestly confess to it being part of the whole polydragon chasing turn on. But that is shared WANT, not a NEED in a new polyship should that emerge. (We are closed at this time.) So I'll just enjoy via compersion peekies that YOU are there in your polyship.

*** throwing confetti ***

YAY! It's is wonderful! Horrible! Wonderful! Wheeeee! Thanks for sharing that peek into your world. Made my morning. :)

warmest hugs,
GalaGirl

[Hannahfluke]

When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.

This pretty much sums up my life. My husband is definitely my primary, because our lives are so entwined with our boys, our house, shared finances, etc. However, my boyfriend is definitely my sexual primary and my husband's girlfriend is definitely his sexual primary. I get jealous of it sometimes and I know he feels bad occasionally that my boyfriend brings out a side of me that he doesn't, but it's just the way it works out.

[Brid75]

I would say that it is very common. It certainly is in my case. As you say though Nathan, I think it usually goes unsaid. It's a macho pride thing with some men, they cant come to terms with the fact that their wife needs another man to be satisfied sexually.

You guys seem to have a great relationship.

[Magdlyn]

Just to represent for the queers (speaking as a pansexual woman)... my gf miss pixi (3 1/2 years together), used to be much more sexual with me for the first year or so, but because of various things going on in her life, anxieties, health issues, job loss, her drive has lessened. I've also been dating men met thru ok cupid the whole time we've been together, and since my sex drive is extremely high, she has always found it a relief that I can let off some steam with other people.

After a long search for "Mr Right," and kissing many frogs, I met The Ginger in early January of this year. We click on many emotional levels, and share many interests, AND, he is just as super horny as me. :) We only see each other once a week on average, but generally have 3-5 sex sessions on that overnight visit.

I'd love more sex with miss pixi though, and it's taken much patience to overcome feeling rejected sexually by her since NRE faded. Also we used to do a lot of kinky stuff she's no longer that into. However, we do manage sex a couple times a week, sometimes basic vanilla 20 mins stuff, once in a while a bit of a flogging or something...

Every now and then, for no apparent reason, her drive will rev up and we'll have intense sex once or twice a day for a few days in a row. I enjoy it while it's happening and go with the flow!

[AutumnalTone]

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.


I don't think it matters how common it is or isn't. The real question is whether or not it works for those involved.

[Nathan]

I don't think it matters how common it is or isn't. The real question is whether or not it works for those involved.

I guess thats right, and it does work very well for us.

[Nathan]

YAY! It's is wonderful! Horrible! Wonderful! Wheeeee! Thanks for sharing that peek into your world. Made my morning. :)

Ha ha, your welcome.:)

[Nathan]

I love both of them with equall depth. I would not be able to choose one or the ohter if I had the whole "hanging from a cliff who do you pull up" example.

I guess I look at things from a mono perspective. I find it impossible to imagine loving anyone other than my girl.

[Nathan]

It's a macho pride thing with some men, they cant come to terms with the fact that their wife needs another man to be satisfied sexually.

I think that is an understandable reaction to have, and that was the point of my question. How do other guys cope with that?

[newtoday]

I think that is an understandable reaction to have, and that was the point of my question. How do other guys cope with that?

I'm so interested in this thread. :)

After an extended period of abstinence in their relationship, my bf and live-in OSO have recently regained the sexual part of their relationship. It was a struggle for me at first, to be honest, as I entered into this with him as my being his only sexual partner. I worried about what my role was now with the change in dynamics. I always knew and appreciated that he loved his OSO, no question, but that part of their relationship had ended several years prior. Through alot of hard work, we have worked through it (and still are!)and if anything, his and my life have improved as well; he's happier at home, and he works hard to show me how much he still needs and desires me. Win, win. :D

But I'm Mono. And I recently had an opportunity to have some adult fun on a vacation. My bf tells me that he would feel like a hypocrite now to ask me NOT to be with another man, so if I wanted to , I should have just done it, just not tell him about it, because he couldn't handle it. Hmmm. That's not who I am, nor how I work, and he knows that. So the gesture is invalid. And I asked him "Would you really be okay with another man touching me, loving me, in my bed, kissing me?" And he shook his head and looked like he was in physical pain. :eek:

So...I'm keenly interested. Why is he to assume that I should be okay with him being with another partner... yet he obviously doesn't feel comfortable with that for me?
- Is it because it's his OSO, even though they hadn't shared that in many years, to me she's a new partner, should I have forced compersion?
- Is it because I'm Mono? Probably plays a role in that. I could meet someone and chances are I would leave him.
- Or is it a gender thing? As a working generalization, women tend to have emotional jealousy. Men tend to have physical jealousy. Yet I, as a female, tend to have more sexual than emotional jealousy. (or perhaps it's really envy!)

I'll be interested to hear the perspectives. :D

GalaGirl -I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this and definitely a man's perspective. :D

[YouAreHere]

- Is it because I'm Mono? Probably plays a role in that. I could meet someone and chances are I would leave him.

In my relationship, this is exactly why my partner would have issues with me meeting someone. He knows that I've never so much as "crushed on" more than one person at a time (unattainable celebrities excepted ;) ). If I were to "meet someone" it could very well become a problem in our relationship, due to my nature.

Of course, he's also said that if I really wanted to explore something, we'd talk about it... which is extremely sweet, knowing where he's coming from.

Of course, I'm straying off-topic... I share my partner half-time-ish with his OSO, and he travels back and forth between homes. Physically, I welcome the break! LOL! :D

[newtoday]

In my relationship, this is exactly why my partner would have issues with me meeting someone. He knows that I've never so much as "crushed on" more than one person at a time (unattainable celebrities excepted ;) ). If I were to "meet someone" it could very well become a problem in our relationship, due to my nature.

Of course, he's also said that if I really wanted to explore something, we'd talk about it... which is extremely sweet, knowing where he's coming from.

Of course, I'm straying off-topic... I share my partner half-time-ish with his OSO, and he travels back and forth between homes. Physically, I welcome the break! LOL! :D

YouAreHere, thanks for sharing. We have those same talks. The honesty and openness is quite sweet, isn't it?

Lucky you, sharing half time!!! Physically, I'd love the challenge. ;)

Sorry for the hijack Nathan!!!:D

[Nathan]

So...I'm keenly interested. Why is he to assume that I should be okay with him being with another partner... yet he obviously doesn't feel comfortable with that for me?
- Is it because it's his OSO, even though they hadn't shared that in many years, to me she's a new partner, should I have forced compersion?
- Is it because I'm Mono? Probably plays a role in that. I could meet someone and chances are I would leave him.
- Or is it a gender thing? As a working generalization, women tend to have emotional jealousy. Men tend to have physical jealousy. Yet I, as a female, tend to have more sexual than emotional jealousy. (or perhaps it's really envy!)


My girl would not want me to be with another woman, sex would be one thing, but if I loved another like I love her, she has said that she could not cope with that. She thinks this is unfair, and makes her feel like a hypocrite. She is asking me to accept something that would upset her so much if the roles were reversed. I dont mind, I have no intention of being with another woman in anyway. I love her so much and can't ever imagine being in love with someone else, so I like the fact that she does not want to share me.

I dont mind her having sex with another man, as long as she loves him. I'm not jealous of what they have, even the fact that he gets her off more than me. She was with him before me, and that helps, I knew what I was getting into from the get go, and yes, I admit, the fact that it turns me on also helps. Also, we have our own thing, and we both think that it is special.

Unlike you, I would more likely be emotionally jealous, but I'm not, and that's because I know how much love my girl and I share, and I know that the two of us and our small family come first, for both of us.

[JaneQSmythe]

I don't think it matters how common it is or isn't. The real question is whether or not it works for those involved.

I think this is the crux of it. What works for the people experiencing the dynamic? Doesn't matter if you are the only folks on the planet doing it that way (which you are NOT!) - if it works for you then ... GREAT!

Dude and I have sex way more often than MrS and I do. MrS and I practically live inside each others minds. So, yes, Dude is my primary sexual partner and MrS is my primary emotional partner. But there are so many more parameters than that. MrS and I have a 20 year history of experience together. Dude and I enjoy thrashing out intellectual shit that MrS and I already agree on. etc. etc. etc.

Letting each relationship be what it is and not trying to force some artificial "equality" into the equation is a key component to our happiness (and my sanity!:eek:)

Live. Love. Enjoy!

JaneQ

[newtoday]

Dude and I have sex way more often than MrS and I do. MrS and I practically live inside each others minds. So, yes, Dude is my primary sexual partner and MrS is my primary emotional partner. But there are so many more parameters than that. MrS and I have a 20 year history of experience together. Dude and I enjoy thrashing out intellectual shit that MrS and I already agree on. etc. etc. etc.

Letting each relationship be what it is and not trying to force some artificial "equality" into the equation is a key component to our happiness (and my sanity!:eek:)

Live. Love. Enjoy!

JaneQ

Jane, I love how you think. It's the basis of Poly.. you can't be everything to someone.

I think that's the challenge. Figure out what it is you offer that's special to the relationship.

I'm in a bit of a conundrum with that in my relationship right now. Rules of engagement have changed. I no longer am as secure in the place I hold in his life. Yet he insists nothing has changed for him with regards to me. I believe him. He's done a great job of assuring me of that.

So I appreciate how you explain it. Thank you! :D

[Daydreaming]

I think that is an understandable reaction to have, and that was the point of my question. How do other guys cope with that?
It actually goes both ways. My BF want to open up our relationship after 4 years, and I cannot imagine him having sex with another woman.....AGHhhhhhhhh. How does one make it work or cope with it?

[Brid75]

How does my husband cope with it? He does not want to know that much about it, he insists that I keep that side of my life seperate from us and our family. I respect his wishes.

At first he was mad, but not that mad. He excepts that he has a very low libido, he has no problem with this and never did have. Our sex life was always poor, and I needed so much more than he was willing or able to give and he came to terms with that. Our marriage was, and still is really great in all other areas. I no longer initiate sex with my husband, even now I feel a sense of rejection when he is not interested. We now have sex when he wants to, and I have another fantastic man in my life who provides for me sexually.

[Magdlyn]

Dude and I have sex way more often than MrS and I do. MrS and I practically live inside each others minds. So, yes, Dude is my primary sexual partner and MrS is my primary emotional partner.

JaneQ

That is something like how I operate with miss pixi and Ginger. miss p and I get along great emotionally, but her sex drive doesnt come near Ginger's. However, after now 7 months, he and I have come to be quite close emotionally. However, since he is a bit Aspie, he doesnt get me the way she does, things can take more explaining. He's more rational (nowhere near like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory, but sometimes there are similarities...).

Taken together, we make a great team. We've had 3way sex now, 3 times, and when she is with us 2 horndogs, it seems to inspire her sex drive! Ginger and she are quite attracted to each other. Very interesting dynamic. I am the only one experiencing any fleeting jealousy, and we are working through how to prevent that quite well in the last few weeks.

All of us are firmly polyamorous, so we don't have any mono issues/programming to deal with. We are just having to learn how to give space for their dyad to develop in the midst of my dyad with her, my dyad with him, and our 3way friendship/loveship.

[Ttree]

When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.


Look, you're talking to polyamorists, an indication of the fact that defining a prescribed social "norm" does not work for everyone. You sound happy with the arrangements. What you should really be asking is not questioning us whether it is normal but asking yourself whether you do feel happy and satisfied and secure with this relationship. You and her could always engage in more sex, or try some variety, or just ask her how she feels about you or your comparative lack of sexual activity.
It all comes down to what YOU all want in your relationships. That is how you will find out if you are truly happy.

[InHateOF]

That is something like how I operate with miss pixi and Ginger. miss p and I get along great emotionally, but her sex drive doesnt come near Ginger's. However, after now 7 months, he and I have come to be quite close emotionally. However, since he is a bit Aspie, he doesnt get me the way she does, things can take more explaining. He's more rational (nowhere near like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory, but sometimes there are similarities...).

Taken together, we make a great team. We've had 3way sex now, 3 times, and when she is with us 2 horndogs, it seems to inspire her sex drive! Ginger and she are quite attracted to each other. Very interesting dynamic. I am the only one experiencing any fleeting jealousy, and we are working through how to prevent that quite well in the last few weeks.

All of us are firmly polyamorous, so we don't have any mono issues/programming to deal with. We are just having to learn how to give space for their dyad to develop in the midst of my dyad with her, my dyad with him, and our 3way friendship/loveship.

That actually sounds great, I wish I could find something like that :(

[Nathan]

Look, you're talking to polyamorists, an indication of the fact that defining a prescribed social "norm" does not work for everyone. You sound happy with the arrangements. What you should really be asking is not questioning us whether it is normal but asking yourself whether you do feel happy and satisfied and secure with this relationship. You and her could always engage in more sex, or try some variety, or just ask her how she feels about you or your comparative lack of sexual activity.
It all comes down to what YOU all want in your relationships. That is how you will find out if you are truly happy.

Yes, we are all very happy with the way things are at the moment. My girl and I make love all the time, there is plenty of sexual activity between us, it has lessened of late because she is seeing more of her lover, I'm happy for her to do so, we still make plenty of time for us though.

I wasn't asking if it's the "norm," I was wondering out of interest and curiosity how common it is for guys who are their girls primary, to be secondary when it comes to sex, and also how they feel about it. I'm fine with it, I'm not going to get upset just because her other love gives her more orgasms then me, in fact it turns me on. He has always been her dom but is now also her bull, and is free to be with her whenever he wants.

Like I said, I'm curious if there are any other guys who feel the same way, or not?

[Lifeisgood]

We are in our early 30s and I have been with my wife for 15 yrs, 10 married. I guess I have had more practice with her, as she says I know how to take care of her the best, lol. But don't get me wrong. She has had awesome times with her friend(s). People do things differently. How do I say this without getting too graphic...He was extremely talented orally, and me not as much. But I know how to do other things that he couldnt do as well. It doesn't upset me when she would tell me about it though, if it did, we prob wouldn't be doing it at all to begin with. Good luck!

[Magdlyn]

That actually sounds great, I wish I could find something like that :(

It is great, and I hope you do! It took a lot of work to get to this point in my love life.

BTW, I love your Johnny avatar! But what is up with the "hate?"

[Brid75]

Yes, we are all very happy with the way things are at the moment. My girl and I make love all the time, there is plenty of sexual activity between us, it has lessened of late because she is seeing more of her lover, I'm happy for her to do so, we still make plenty of time for us though.

I wasn't asking if it's the "norm," I was wondering out of interest and curiosity how common it is for guys who are their girls primary, to be secondary when it comes to sex, and also how they feel about it. I'm fine with it, I'm not going to get upset just because her other love gives her more orgasms then me, in fact it turns me on. He has always been her dom but is now also her bull, and is free to be with her whenever he wants.

Like I said, I'm curious if there are any other guys who feel the same way, or not?

Nathan, you seem so cute, and you have a very refreshing attitude towards sex, if only all guys were the same, I think a lot of relationships would be less stressful, and longer lasting.

I see that you use the term bull to describe you g/fs lover, I guess this means your both still into that cuckold roleplay. Lol.....You both seem to have got to a great place, and I think that your g/f is lucky to have you.

[Aurelie26]

Nathan, you seem so cute, and you have a very refreshing attitude towards sex, if only all guys were the same, I think a lot of relationships would be less stressful, and longer lasting.

I see that you use the term bull to describe you g/fs lover, I guess this means your both still into that cuckold roleplay. Lol.....You both seem to have got to a great place, and I think that your g/f is lucky to have you.

:):):) He is very cute, and I know how lucky I am to have him. As for the cuckold roleplay...........Well, not exactly, but we do have our own thing, and all three of us are very turned on by it. ;)

[Nathan]

I see that you use the term bull to describe you g/fs lover, I guess this means your both still into that cuckold roleplay. Lol

Yes we are. :D It's fun! I love it, and so does Aurelie. She is a bit shy about admitting it though, as you can see from her reply above.:)

[Aurelie26]

She is a bit shy about admitting it though,

:):):):):) Your my cute little cuckold, and Scott is my big stud............. Not so shy now am I.;)

[Nathan]

:):):):):) Your my cute little cuckold, and Scott is my big stud............. Not so shy now am I.;)

lol, no your not, and yes I am, and yes he is, and as much as I like you being with him................I also really miss you when your not here. A lot! :(

[MeeraReed]

I wasn't asking if it's the "norm," I was wondering out of interest and curiosity how common it is for guys who are their girls primary, to be secondary when it comes to sex, and also how they feel about it. I'm fine with it, I'm not going to get upset just because her other love gives her more orgasms then me, in fact it turns me on. He has always been her dom but is now also her bull, and is free to be with her whenever he wants.

Like I said, I'm curious if there are any other guys who feel the same way, or not?

Hi Nathan (and Aurelie),

There are definitely guys out there who feel the same way you do. (They may not be on this forum, though). Some might identify as cuckolds, others might just be comfortable with the fact that their primary partner has a secondary partner with whom she is more sexually compatible.

I think the phrasing/terms you use in your question don't quite jive with the way most poly folks think about "primary" and "secondary." You are Aurelie's primary because you live with her and are her life partner. Her dom is her secondary because he doesn't live with her and has a primary partner of his own. You're not "sexually secondary" to her dom just because they might have more or better sex together.

Does Aurelie's dom's wife think of her herself as sexually secondary to Aurelie? I'm guessing not.

It sounds to me like you've got yourself an awesome woman who can keep two men well satisfied :). She has some kinky needs that you simply aren't compatible with. Luckily, she has a loving secondary who can meet those needs, while you benefit from finding the whole situation erotic. Plus, the pressure is off you to do BDSM stuff that you don't enjoy. Sounds perfect to me!

You ask how other men deal with the situation you describe. Well, quite often, they don't deal with it. They decide the woman is a slut who never loved them and is not worthy of their love. Sadly, societal norms condone such a punitive attitude toward "overly sexual" or "wrongly sexual" women.

However, I do think it's a challenge for anyone to accept that their primary partner has better sex with someone else. The key is to understand sexual compatibility, and the complexities of sexuality in general. Sexuality isn't just being gay/bi/straight, it's a lot of other stuff: how kinky/vanilla you are, how dominant/submissive, how high/low your libido is, what specific sex acts you like, whether you need sex to be connected to love or not, whether you're monogamous or not, etc.

Every individual needs to figure out where they are on the spectrum of each of those elements of sexuality. If you're very comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual needs, you can be comfortable with knowing that you might not be able to match all of someone else's sexual needs. And that there's nothing wrong with that.

After all, if Aurelie had a strong sexual need to be with a woman, you probably wouldn't automatically feel like she was having better sex with her female partner--you'd feel that she was having DIFFERENT sex. Or, if Aurelie was a domme instead of a sub, and her secondary was someone she dominated instead of the other way around, you would probably feel that she has very complex sexual needs that aren't your cup of tea, rather than that you're not capable of satisfying her as well as her dom can.

Sorry if that's convoluted. I'm trying to say it might help if you look past the "traditional" gender roles of your situation. You've got a woman who needs a man who is more dominant, more sexual, maybe physically larger or more traditionally "masculine" than you. I can see how that might be hard to make peace with (although it sounds like you've done so!). But if you imagine the gender roles or kinky roles reversed, you can see that it's not about you being unable to satisfy your woman--it's about your woman having a more complex sexuality than you.

It definitely sounds like you ARE sexually compatible with Aurelie in many ways. Just not in EVERY way.

Nathan, I've been on both sides of a situation like yours. A few years ago, when I was non-exclusive with my ex-boyfriend, I had better sex with another man. My ex did not deal with it well, but chose to resent me in silence instead of talking to me about it. (Later he told friends that I was just his practice girlfriend, and he made clear that he had never cared about me. Oh, and he blamed me for his sexual problems). That's a longer story. At the time, I was deliriously happy seeing both men.

Now I'm on the other side--I'm seeing a man who is MUCH kinkier than me, has a MUCH higher sex drive, etc. It's the best sex of my life, but he has better sex with other women. (He's looking for another steady partner besides me, but hasn't found one yet. I'm looking to date others also, but have no time because I'm writing my thesis).

I am totally comfortable, and totally happy, with him having fantastic sex with another woman. There are a couple reasons for this: 1) I believe I am inherently non-monogamous, and have never experienced much sexual jealousy, 2) I have no desire to do the BDSM stuff he likes to do, and I want him to have someone else to do that with, and 3) He needs sex CONSTANTLY. I get tired and sore pretty easily--there is no way I could meet all his needs even if I wanted to! :)

For some reason, I like men who are more sexual than me. Maybe because I still have some guilt over how my ex felt about me, and the cruel things he said to me and about me. Or maybe it's because I am finally comfortable with knowing and admitting that I like, and am largely compatible with, sexually dominant men with high sex drives.

Anyway, like you, I'm at peace with knowing my lover needs more than just me, both sexually and emotionally.

P.S. It's awesome that you took the effort to understand as much about Aurelie's BDSM needs as possible (experimenting with her, etc), even if it's not something you want for yourself. One of the worst experiences of my life was when I asked my ex if he could try holding me down and kissing me roughly--and he looked at me like I was a disgusting, depraved pervert, and said he "couldn't" and "wasn't that type of guy." At the time, I felt really guilty for making him feel insecure about himself, even though all I had done was confess a (not uncommon) fantasy.

Rather than wondering how other guys in your situation feel, Nathan, you might consider making yourself a sort of advocate for helping "nice" (i.e. vanilla) guys understand women with "wilder" sexual needs.

[MusicalRose]

Not sure I have too much to contribute at the moment, but I wanted to say this topic might be fairly relevant to my own situation. My fiance and I aren't as sexually compatible as my boyfriend and I it seems and it has caused us some uneasiness in the past. I think we are getting more comfortable with it now, but it made us really nervous when all of it started.

I think it does help that in my situation, my boyfriend is submissive to me and has a really low sex drive unless I tease him, so I always have to initiate. My fiance has a high sex drive, but his taste for me has been a bit low lately. As a female with a high sex drive, this is a little frustrating for me, but we seem to be handling the dynamics alright. We are all getting ready to move into a townhome together shortly, so it will let me more effectively tease my boyfriend.

[Aurelie26]

Thanks Meera, thats an interesting post.

There are definitely guys out there who feel the same way you do. (They may not be on this forum, though). Some might identify as cuckolds, others might just be comfortable with the fact that their primary partner has a secondary partner with whom she is more sexually compatible.

The cuckold thing is just fun, the three of us do not take it serious, but Nathan does get off on seeing me with Scott, or knowing that I'm with him. I think it turns him on that Scott is more able to get me off.

I think the phrasing/terms you use in your question don't quite jive with the way most poly folks think about "primary" and "secondary." You are Aurelie's primary because you live with her and are her life partner. Her dom is her secondary because he doesn't live with her and has a primary partner of his own. You're not "sexually secondary" to her dom just because they might have more or better sex together.

Well Nathan is my primary mainly because I love him more, and also for the reasons you state. I guess that doesn't quite jive with poly either. lol. Is Nathan my sexual secondary? I do have more and better sex with Scott, but it is so different to what I have with Nathan. What makes sex great with Nathan is in many ways the opposite to what makes it great with Scott. However, Scott is the best lover I have ever had, he makes me feel a way that no other can, and that includes Nathan. Sex with Nathan is more of a mental, spirtual and love thing, with Scott it's physical.

Does Aurelie's dom's wife think of her herself as sexually secondary to Aurelie? I'm guessing not.

Well they have been married for a long time. I admire her because she has no hangs ups, she always sees things so clearly. We talk about Scott. lol. The biggest reason he is able to get me off so much is because of his size and incredible staying power, good technique and ability also. His wife tells me that I would not love it so much after nearly twenty years, she says I would be praying for a quicky, lol, but no. I dont think she she's herhelf that way. I dont think that she thinks in those terms.

It sounds to me like you've got yourself an awesome woman who can keep two men well satisfied :). She has some kinky needs that you simply aren't compatible with. Luckily, she has a loving secondary who can meet those needs, while you benefit from finding the whole situation erotic. Plus, the pressure is off you to do BDSM stuff that you don't enjoy. Sounds perfect to me!

Lol, thanks. I'm really lucky to have two awesome men, who keep me more than satisfied. I do have kinky needs that Nathan isn't into, I do my best to corrupt him though. lol. Sometimes it works. BDSM is not one of those things though. He is so lovely and to nice to be a dom, and he doesn't want to sub for me, which I except.

You ask how other men deal with the situation you describe. Well, quite often, they don't deal with it. They decide the woman is a slut who never loved them and is not worthy of their love. Sadly, societal norms condone such a punitive attitude toward "overly sexual" or "wrongly sexual" women.

This is why I feel so fortunate to have Nathans love. He is so open minded and excepting of my needs. He never fails to make me feel loved and secure.

However, I do think it's a challenge for anyone to accept that their primary partner has better sex with someone else. The key is to understand sexual compatibility, and the complexities of sexuality in general. Sexuality isn't just being gay/bi/straight, it's a lot of other stuff: how kinky/vanilla you are, how dominant/submissive, how high/low your libido is, what specific sex acts you like, whether you need sex to be connected to love or not, whether you're monogamous or not, etc.

That's interesting Meera. I tease Nathan about being bi, I dont think he is though. I would say he is vanilla, altough like I said, I'm a bad influence. Also, I think the cuckold thing he likes is very kinky. lol He is submissive sexually, not in a kinky way though. His libido is high, thankfully. He likes lots of different types of sex acts, I have taught him a lot, and given him the confidence to tell me what he likes. He does need sex to be connected to love, which is what makes our sex special, we make love, Scott fucks me. Nathan is monogamous, which makes me very happy.:)

Every individual needs to figure out where they are on the spectrum of each of those elements of sexuality. If you're very comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual needs, you can be comfortable with knowing that you might not be able to match all of someone else's sexual needs. And that there's nothing wrong with that.

I think the four of us are very comfortable about where we stand in our relationships, not just sexually, but all round. I would say we are all very happy with the way things have turned out.

Sorry if that's convoluted. I'm trying to say it might help if you look past the "traditional" gender roles of your situation. You've got a woman who needs a man who is more dominant, more sexual, maybe physically larger or more traditionally "masculine" than you. I can see how that might be hard to make peace with (although it sounds like you've done so!). But if you imagine the gender roles or kinky roles reversed, you can see that it's not about you being unable to satisfy your woman--it's about your woman having a more complex sexuality than you.

It definitely sounds like you ARE sexually compatible with Aurelie in many ways. Just not in EVERY way.

This is 100% correct

Hi Nathan (and Aurelie),P.S. It's awesome that you took the effort to understand as much about Aurelie's BDSM needs as possible (experimenting with her, etc), even if it's not something you want for yourself. One of the worst experiences of my life was when I asked my ex if he could try holding me down and kissing me roughly--and he looked at me like I was a disgusting, depraved pervert, and said he "couldn't" and "wasn't that type of guy." At the time, I felt really guilty for making him feel insecure about himself, even though all I had done was confess a (not uncommon) fantasy.

It is cool that Nathan is open to my suggestions, I dont force him, or ask him to do things he doesn't like though, and It would not turn me on for him to dom me now. He cant do that stuff, well he could, but it would go against the grain for him to do it. He is a very gentle and loving person, and he is the same in bed. Strangely, it does turn him on to see Scott have rough and dominant sex with me.

It's a shame things didn't work out with your ex. I think it's difficult to find a man that would be excepting of a poly lifestyle.

[Brid75]

I tease Nathan about being bi,

Why do you do that? Do you suspect that he is attracted to your lover in some way?

[Aurelie26]

Why do you do that? Do you suspect that he is attracted to your lover in some way?

lol, no I do not think that Nathan is attracted to Scott. It wouldn't bother me if he was though. I tease him about being bi because when he was at high school he had a relationship with another boy.

[codydarkstalker]

This is the case with my primary. We have sex and I am willing to have sex whenever he likes, but he knows my other partner is more skilled at getting me off and that I have more sex with him (we switch off every other night, primary is good to go once a night, secondary can recover faster so more sex is often had).

[treyandanne]

I would say that it is very common. It certainly is in my case. As you say though Nathan, I think it usually goes unsaid. It's a macho pride thing with some men, they cant come to terms with the fact that their wife needs another man to be satisfied sexually.

You guys seem to have a great relationship.

I agree and it is certainly the case with us. Yes, its difficult sometimes that she is in his room most nights, or when you get home they have already played to her content. But it is rewarding in itself that she is getting the satisfaction that she needs. You are providing her with what you do best and so is he. Not all of us can have the skill and equipment that the love of our life needs. For me, like you, I have accepted this and am grateful that her secondary is gifted in this regard.

[Gingy]

I can't speak from experience as I don't have kids, but I've heard that sometimes married couples fall into the role of domestic partners. They see each other more in the role of parent, reliable provider, etc, and over time grow apart a bit sexually.
As long as you both enjoy your marriage, and get the sexual satisfaction you need with no one's feelings being hurt, it makes perfect sense to me.

As for not being upset, that makes sense to me too. My fiancee considers all of my random sexcapades to be hot, and doesn't seem to have a jealous bone in his body.

[Aurelie26]

I can't speak from experience as I don't have kids, but I've heard that sometimes married couples fall into the role of domestic partners. They see each other more in the role of parent, reliable provider, etc, and over time grow apart a bit sexually.

I see Nathan as all of that and more, and we haven't grown apart sexually. I love the sexual side of our relationship.

[threesnocrowd]

Hey Nathan, you're a BOSS. You are in a wonderful situation and relationship. This is from a guy who's married and looking for a man like your metamour for his wife. There is no greater turn on. I think lots of men are afraid to admit it and lots of women are too. You're honest. So hats off to you my friend. I wish we could get a beer together!

[Nathan]

Hey Nathan, you're a BOSS. You are in a wonderful situation and relationship. This is from a guy who's married and looking for a man like your metamour for his wife. There is no greater turn on. I think lots of men are afraid to admit it and lots of women are too. You're honest. So hats off to you my friend. I wish we could get a beer together!

Thanks, I agree there is no greater turn on, at least for me. Good luck in finding a metamour for your wife. I would look for a guy who is much better endowed than you, and also more skilful at making your wife orgasm. That's what turns me on so much. I dont know why, it just does.

[Rjsolo]

I replied to your first thread, I suppose I should have put it here. But it looks like you guys have it worked out. In that thread, I was just explaining that Cuckolding, like BDSM, has a massive range in terms of what's done. But like BDSM is famous for it's whips, masks and dungeons--even though the play can be much subtler, cuckolding is known for it's extreme humiliation, even though there are aspects of it within the cuckolding community that are far, far tamer.

Most people think the guy has to be a "sissy" or a "bitch" to enjoy it. But the reality is that there only really has to be an acknowledgement that the "bull" fulfills a need the husband "can't" or won't. This can range from the extreme where the wife tells the cuckold he's completely inadequate and she can't get off with him, to the mild where the wife just wants someone with a higher libido. Most times it falls in between. Where the bull is somewhat better endowed and is in general, overall a better sexual partner (Though not a better overall partner)

How couples handle their relationship side also varies widely. Some couples do not humiliate the husband at all, but they only "cuddle" or do tertiary sex acts (Like hand jobs), while the bulk of the actual sex is reserved for the bull. While others have sex like rabbits, and the bull comes over once a week for the "cherry on top". Some even get more kinky and husband has to wear a condom while the bull is allowed to go bareback. (For many cucks, the bull leaving his "card" behind is a huge turn on.) And this can all be done with added "teasing" or humiliation or without. Some couples let the sex acts and less sex with the husband kind of speak for itself (In terms of teasing, the wife simply showing she takes the bull first is more than enough) others do some mild verbal teasing and still others can get extreme with chastity belts and the whole 9 yards (Though I find this is as rare as a full dungeon set up for BDSM people.)

Again though, it's such a massive range that labeling it all under cuckold can be confusing and it leads to be getting defensive about a kink that's so varied that I'm willing to bet most poly-people cross into it without even knowing (And vice versa, most cucks cross into poly lifestyles on many levels.) The moment it's brought up though, people associate the most extreme versions of it, which will instantly put most men on the defensive (With good reason. It's like trying to full suit bondage someone who might only like a light spanking.)

Anyway, it's great you three have found your comfort zone and I hope the three of you keep exploring it

[Nathan]

I replied to your first thread, I suppose I should have put it here. But it looks like you guys have it worked out. In that thread, I was just explaining that Cuckolding, like BDSM, has a massive range in terms of what's done. Cuckolding is known for it's extreme humiliation, even though there are aspects of it within the cuckolding community that are far, far tamer.
I agree, cuckolding can have all sorts of different meanings for different people. I think a few posters discussed this at length in one of Aurelies threads, and came to all sorts of conclusions!

We do have that dynamic in our relationship though. It is language that we do use. However it does not go beyond the bedroom. It is a sex thing only, but yes, as far as Aurelie is now concerned, I am her cuckold, and Scott is her Bull/Stud/Dom! I actually now think it is a natural thing for a woman to do, if her partner is not meeting all/any of her sexual needs. It works well, and the three of us are happy with it! It's fun.

Most people think the guy has to be a "sissy" or a "bitch" to enjoy it.
Well, neither of those things apply to me, although some guys are into that. It's not me though.

But the reality is that there only really has to be an acknowledgement that the "bull" fulfills a need the husband "can't" or won't. This can range from the extreme where the wife tells the cuckold he's completely inadequate and she can't get off with him, to the mild where the wife just wants someone with a higher libido. Most times it falls in between. Where the bull is somewhat better endowed and is in general, overall a better sexual partner (Though not a better overall partner)
Can't or Won't? Well for us, a bit of both. I WON'T fufill her BDSM needs, although Scott definitely does. I CAN'T satisfy her sexually like he does, even if I wanted to. Scott is somewhat better endowed (He's huge, and that turns her on) and also a better sexual partner. Aurelie and I are gentle and loving together, and it's good. Scott is forceful, which she prefers, and he can make her orgasm through penetration, and I can't. That means a lot to her. I guess a lot of guys would have a problem admitting that another guy is better for his girl sexually. I just don't! They are amazing together, and he is able to bring out the best of her sexual side.

How couples handle their relationship side also varies widely. Some couples do not humiliate the husband at all, but they only "cuddle" or do tertiary sex acts (Like hand jobs), while the bulk of the actual sex is reserved for the bull. While others have sex like rabbits, and the bull comes over once a week for the "cherry on top". Some even get more kinky and husband has to wear a condom while the bull is allowed to go bareback. (For many cucks, the bull leaving his "card" behind is a huge turn on.) And this can all be done with added "teasing" or humiliation or without. Some couples let the sex acts and less sex with the husband kind of speak for itself (In terms of teasing, the wife simply showing she takes the bull first is more than enough) others do some mild verbal teasing and still others can get extreme with chastity belts and the whole 9 yards
The only humiliation that happens is the pretend type. For example, sometimes, not often, but every now and then, I watch them. Aurelie loves this now, she loves having me there. Anyways, before they start, she will often jerk me off and make me cum very quickly, while Scott watches! Then they will rut for what seems like ages! It's roleplay, but it's based in fact. They no longer have set nights. The four of us are quite integrated now and Scott comes around when he wants to, or when Aurelie wants him! We still make love a lot though, but if Scott has been around, Aurelie and I very rarely make love after, although we do "tertiary" sex acts like oral, and she often teases me when we do this. It's done in a fun loving way though. Aurelie loves it, and so do I! I don't wear a condom and neither does Scott. I don't mind, but this doesn't do anything for me, although going by the things Scott says, he does get off on it I think. We cuddle a lot. She gets her affection from me. When Scott and her have finished, she comes to me, and I just hold her. We both agree that the love thats goes between the two of us at these times is the most intense love either of us have ever felt.

[Nathan]

What it is really about is making her feel as loved and secure as we can make her. She is a beautiful and loving person who worries about people and our situation.

Both Scott and I work at letting her know how loved she is, and that she can have what she wants. What she has wanted, is what she has now. She is content and very happy, and we intend to keep her that way.

[Rjsolo]

What it is really about is making her feel as loved and secure as we can make her. She is a beautiful and loving person who worries about people and our situation.

Both Scott and I work at letting her know how loved she is, and that she can have what she wants. What she has wanted, is what she has now. She is content and very happy, and we intend to keep her that way.

That's wonderful. I think really, when you get through all the "kink" in cuckolding, this is the statement you'll find with most serious partners. It's just a situation where the husband devotes himself to the wife's happiness, and he derives a great deal of enjoyment from that. Peel back the theatrics and little things, and it's a very basic set of principles.

I'm going through the same relationship now. We originally started as both seeing others, but then we stopped once we got serious in our professional lives (We have 2 children from her previous marriage as well, makes it hard to go out and be kinky.) But recently, she let me know that she has been missing it, especially the more aggressive/dominant tendencies of her ex.

I, however, have not been missing other women...and so we kind of fell into a cuckolding dynamic. And I'm more fulfilled by it then when I used to see other women. It's wonderful watching her get what she needs, and then being there for her afterwords, in the way that we connect (Emotionally.)...and I'd be lying if it was not extremely arousing to see the differences between what I can do and what her lover can, and we incorporate that play into our play while we're laying together (Usually involving just tertiary sex acts..heh, she jokes she is too tired and sore after him! Drives me wild.)

But in any case. Yes, it's great that in the end, it's all for her happiness, and if this lifestyle works for you, the cuck, I feel, derives a huge amount of satisfaction from being the one to "give" here, even if he doesn't do a lot of the kink/humiliation aspects.

[nycindie]

Rjsolo, your posts are so illuminating and interesting! Thank you for sharing so much insight.

Nathan, glad to hear from you again, and it's nice to know you guys are are still together and have grown and evolved into a situation where everyone is happy and Aurelie isn't worried as much about you. It sounds like she has gained confidence from the experience.

[Rjsolo]

Rjsolo, your posts are so illuminating and interesting! Thank you for sharing so much insight.



Thank you. I'm free to answer any questions someone might have. I very much enjoy the lifestyle, but I almost *never* talk about it, because it's very misunderstood. People always assume the husband is going to be wearing panties and tied up in the corner--and I can say that such a thing is as rare as full on dungeons for BDSM people. And most guys would be annoyed if anything of the like was even suggested.

Myself, personally, it's a very relativistic "submission" scenario. Yes, there is a good deal of teasing and mild humiliation at being subtly compared to a more aggressive and perhaps physically better endowed lover. But the part of the relationship most don't expect is in just about every other aspect of our life, even in terms of sex when her lover isn't around, she is very submissive to me. (It's a pretty complex situation, I don't want to drown anyone in details of a kink unless they wish to discuss it--just using myself as an example.) And, on the whole, I'm not at all "effeminate", even if I am more emotionally "in touch" with her (Not that there is *anything* wrong with guys who are. More power to whatever makes you happy.)

Anyway, the big reason I like discussing it with other Polys is that sometimes I find the situation and people that would enjoy playing the more subtle aspects of it, don't ever talk about it because the theatrics of the extremes on the internet scare them off. A lot of the times, ironically, partners who don't want to discuss it are the wives who live in this situation, but they think their guy is all the sudden going to appear in a dress or worse, that he's going to get hurt by it all. When really all he might be looking for is a little dirty talk about her dates and how "thrilling" they were, and is usually secure enough about himself that he knows this type of play isn't threatening to what they already have--rather it's building something new for her (Not unlike the broader concept of poly.)...Nathan and Aur's start, mirrored my wife and I's, and at least a few other couples that I know--so I have to believe it's a pretty common thing among Mono-Poly couples!

[Nathan]

Nathan, glad to hear from you again, and it's nice to know you guys are are still together and have grown and evolved into a situation where everyone is happy and Aurelie isn't worried as much about you. It sounds like she has gained confidence from the experience.

Thanks nycindie. Yes, Aurelie does have a lot more confidence in telling us what she wants, and what she asks for, she usually gets. haha. She is also much more secure and gets less worried about hurting me, or us breaking up at some point. She loves what she has now, and is very happy at the moment.

Anyways, hope you have a nice Christmas.

[Nathan]

That's wonderful. I think really, when you get through all the "kink" in cuckolding, this is the statement you'll find with most serious partners. It's just a situation where the husband devotes himself to the wife's happiness, and he derives a great deal of enjoyment from that. Peel back the theatrics and little things, and it's a very basic set of principles.


That's right Rjsolo. The most important thing to me is that she is as happy as she can possibly be. I think her happiness is more important to me than my own. I think this is a common theme for cuckolds, they put their girls wants and needs first!

I'm going through the same relationship now. We originally started as both seeing others, but then we stopped once we got serious in our professional lives (We have 2 children from her previous marriage as well, makes it hard to go out and be kinky.) But recently, she let me know that she has been missing it, especially the more aggressive/dominant tendencies of her ex.

Well, I wish you the best of luck, and I hope it goes as well for the three of you, as it has gone for us. I don't think that it would be an easy thing for most couples. I believe that you have to have a lot of confidence in your own love, and in your day to day relationship. Our relationship is very solid. Is the Bull the father of the two children?

I, however, have not been missing other women...and so we kind of fell into a cuckolding dynamic. And I'm more fulfilled by it then when I used to see other women. It's wonderful watching her get what she needs, and then being there for her afterwords, in the way that we connect (Emotionally.)...and I'd be lying if it was not extremely arousing to see the differences between what I can do and what her lover can, and we incorporate that play into our play while we're laying together (Usually involving just tertiary sex acts..heh, she jokes she is too tired and sore after him! Drives me wild.)

Aurelie and I have agreed that I will never see any other woman, and that I am for her, and her alone. To be honest, I never wanted to, but by making it clear between the two of us, that I am her cuckold, she has relaxed about our future a lot more, and is able to express herself in her role of a cuckoldress, which she very much enjoys. I know why she enjoys that role, but will not put words in her mouth. Like you, I enjoy watching her get what she needs sexually, or just knowing that she is getting it is enough. To hold her after, is I think, the thing that I like best about it. We also incorparate what her and Scott do into our own play, and as with you, this is done with teasing when she is playing and toying with me, after thet have had sex. Scott does exhaust her, they don't do quick sex! haha We have found that 100% honesty between us is a must!

[Nathan]

Thank you. I'm free to answer any questions someone might have. I very much enjoy the lifestyle, but I almost *never* talk about it, because it's very misunderstood. People always assume the husband is going to be wearing panties and tied up in the corner--and I can say that such a thing is as rare as full on dungeons for BDSM people. And most guys would be annoyed if anything of the like was even suggested.

I think people may think that it makes you less of a man, or that your not man enough for your girl. I don't mind that talk when in a sexual situation, it's a turn-on for me. If not having a huge cock and not being able to go for however long you like, and being a dom and a aggressive person sexually makes me less of a man, than I am! However, I know that I am all man, and have enough confidence in myself to not be concerned about such things. The truth is, very few men could perform sexually like Scott does. He is better at sex than I am, its not that big a deal.

Myself, personally, it's a very relativistic "submission" scenario. Yes, there is a good deal of teasing and mild humiliation at being subtly compared to a more aggressive and perhaps physically better endowed lover. But the part of the relationship most don't expect is in just about every other aspect of our life, even in terms of sex when her lover isn't around, she is very submissive to me. (It's a pretty complex situation, I don't want to drown anyone in details of a kink unless they wish to discuss it--just using myself as an example.) And, on the whole, I'm not at all "effeminate", even if I am more emotionally "in touch" with her (Not that there is *anything* wrong with guys who are. More power to whatever makes you happy.)

I am always submissive to Aurelie when it comes to sex. I think this is borne out of how that sexual relationship started, and how her love and compassion helped me deal with my P.E problem. I also think that the fact that she has such control over when I cum, also has a lot to do with it. Emotionally we are so very close, and this adds to how we make love. Scott is not in anyway an emotional or affectionate person, although he does try sometimes.

Anyway, the big reason I like discussing it with other Polys is that sometimes I find the situation and people that would enjoy playing the more subtle aspects of it, don't ever talk about it because the theatrics of the extremes on the internet scare them off. A lot of the times, ironically, partners who don't want to discuss it are the wives who live in this situation, but they think their guy is all the sudden going to appear in a dress or worse, that he's going to get hurt by it all. When really all he might be looking for is a little dirty talk about her dates and how "thrilling" they were, and is usually secure enough about himself that he knows this type of play isn't threatening to what they already have--rather it's building something new for her (Not unlike the broader concept of poly.)...Nathan and Aur's start, mirrored my wife and I's, and at least a few other couples that I know--so I have to believe it's a pretty common thing among Mono-Poly couples!

The word Cuckold is just a label. Your right, I think it is very common in Mono-Poly couples. I think that there are a lot of girls in poly that prefer having sex with their secondary, but just choose not to say or compare or label it as cuckolding, which is fine, it doesn't matter.

For us, our relationship has been helped by frank honesty. Our love is more intense now, than it has ever been, and the four of us get on great, which undoubtable helps.

Merry Xmas to you.