View Full Version : Introduction to Polyamory
07-31-2012, 04:02 AM
I'm just curious to know what you're first introduction to polyamory happened.
Looking back, I realized mine was in high school. Granted I didn't know the name for it, or that other people did it. But it just seemed right for me.
In high school, I met two guys that I thought were just amazing. I found out that they dated each other and just let it be. (I'm going to use initials so that hopefully I don't get too confusing.) K always flirted with me and I enjoyed it, but never took it any further, until T (his boyfriend) asked me if I noticed that K really liked me and basically gave permission for a relationship to happen. A little later in the relationship, T expressed interest in me as well, so i guess we had a triad going on. This lasted for a couple months and I started dating a girl, A. Surprisingly, for highschoolers (and A, the college student) this went remarkably well until we realized that K had a girlfriend who did NOT know about me or A and that led me and T to breaking it off with K. And then a few months later, T told me he was gay, not bi like he thought and we cordially broke it off.
Anyway, without realizing I was poly I had a pretty good poly relationship, surprisingly as a highschooler.
When was your "intro"?
07-31-2012, 05:17 AM
I met poly in Stranger In A Strange Land, by Robert Heinlein. I read it the first time before I was 13 (in the very early 70's), but I don't remember exactly when the first time I read it was. My parents made some attempts at poly relationships, but they weren't exactly including me. Didn't know the whole story then (and I'm not certain I do now).
My first personal experience with poly was in my twenties, with a woman who was flirting with both me and my girlfriend, while gf and I weren't telling each other that was going on. We later found out she had a history of doing this with couples. We attempted, for like a minute, to have it be the three of us. At some point in that, I got a black eye out of it.
I didn't much think about it, until it presented itself last December, and here I am in my vee.
07-31-2012, 04:01 PM
When I was going through a bad spell feeling trapped in my relationship. Hubby and I talked it out. We discussed how I was feeling about things. How my past relationships went before him. Why they ended. They ended because while I liked even loved the men I never felt they were the "right one" So I would move on like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower. Hubby said have you ever fallen for two men at once... and I said yes. His answer is honey I think you are poly. Despite being mono himself he is open and understanding. He gave me my freedom.
08-05-2012, 11:20 PM
The very first time I considered poly, though I didn't know what it was called, was when I had just started my very first relationship when I was 15. I guess I should start with the beginning with this story.
Around April that year, I became friends with a boy, J, and I liked him immensely. We had a thing going for a little bit, but he was still too emotionally immature to understand what was happening and stopped paying attention to me. This hurt me a lot and it took a very long time for me to get over the feelings I had for him. That July, I met the guy who would become my boyfriend, A. When school started back up, I discovered, to my horror, that he was J's best friend. So I was in a new relationship but I still had my old feelings for J. I didn't want to be around him AT ALL because I was ashamed of my feelings, but then that meant that A felt like he had to split his very limited time between us and often had to choose between one or the other. That wasn't fair, so I tried to be friendly with J again, but that ended up in unintentional flirting between us (which was pointed out by other people). I was ashamed of what I had done and so I stopped, but in my mind I thought that it would just be so much easier if I could be with both of them. I presented the idea to A, who (due to being completely spineless at the time) said that it was fine by him, though in reality it was tearing him apart on the inside. I realized that it was hurting him, smacked myself, and told myself that I had to focus on and honor the relationship I already had, and stop chasing after the other guy who had never been so nice to me anyway. After that, I had banished the idea from my head as That Really Bad Idea I Had Once. I still felt guilty though, about being attracted to other people while I was in a relationship.
I didn't think much of it back then, but recent events have made me realize that I can no longer deny the poly aspect of myself and that I refuse to continue being ashamed about my feelings of love for other people. I haven't actually been in a full-fledged poly relationship yet, though.
08-06-2012, 03:21 AM
I guess I'm living my introduction to poly right now.
Several months after my divorce was final, a long-time friend, married, asked me out, telling me it was a business meeting, and at that 'business meeting,' told me the rest of the story.
I'm still undecided about the wisdom of being involved in this, although some of my misgivings about our relationship and him stem from my own issues after 20+ years in a marriage full of lying and cheating. The problem is, I don't really know what's 'normal' anymore, what I can or should expect from a relationship or from him, and on top of it, am trying to figure that out within a relationship that wasn't 'normal' to begin with. :(
08-07-2012, 07:44 PM
My husband and I started out as swingers and I always felt "different" than the rest of them. I HAD to have an emotional connection or I just could not move forward. I would then cultivate amazing relationships with people that I am happy to say many of them are life long =) I started investigating this strange new word "Polyamory" one day and the more I read the more I identified. It truly felt like a eureka moment and I honestly cried tears of relief that I wasn't alone. This spoke to me and my true nature and i realized looking back over my life i have ALWAYS been this way. Sadly to the detriment of my other relationships. I was the BAD wife/gf who always seemed to wander and tried to fit into society mold. Now I am happily married to an amazing man who is NOT poly but open minded and understands me AND have a spectacular bf that I can't imagine my life without. I am at complete peace with my life now =)
08-08-2012, 05:25 AM
In high school I always felt multi-crushes, intense ones. I had relationships with several boys that were close. We did not know what else to call it so we put it in the "sister-brother" bucket but I remember the most intense one so was not brotherly in MY mind. Neither were the others. But... at that age you go with what feels safest in your public persona. Actually a lot of people just assumed I was dating one of the guys -- it was me and 3 other boys who were all friends together. And I would have dated them all at once if I could have! Sometimes someone would be brave enough to ask "So what's UP with you and X, Y, and Z? Are you going out with one of them?" and I'd just smile and shrug and say "Nah. We're good friends."
We all dated others and danced around it -- me never formally dating ANY of the three I most wanted to date. I don't think I could have had a "V" in high school though much less a 3 man quad! But I did have a few of those non-date dates with 2 of them -- dances, and movies, and whatnot.
The strongest, oldest crush in that trio of boys did not confess his own feelings to me until much later when we were in colleges miles apart and it no longer was an emotional threat. He had the strongest pull for me of the trio even though I cared for them all. It was sweet, but a "damn! what could have been?" moment when he told me he would have been open to it.
In college I had the start of my "V" -- that's where it ended up at after I played the field a bit. Closing down to me as the hinge of an MFM "V" structure for a few years. It was sweet. One (my future DH) did not see anyone else. The other side, my ex OSO did and I totally encouraged him because he had the hardest leg with it being LDR. I told him to find a local Sweetie and not limit himself. I did not expect exclusive. For me it just naturally fell that way. I didn't want more than the 2, DH didn't want more than the one though he could exercise the option, and ex OSO kinda HAD to exercise the option or endure a very lonely existance in LDR with me. One year, it changed to both of them being LDR to me and at that time I wondered if I wanted to exercise my option to see a local sweetie third... but I didn't. My plate was full enough as it was.
At the time I was still ignorant about vocab. I did not even know the world "polyamory!" I just knew I wanted to live and love how I wanted to live and love and nobody was going to stop me. And I was going to do it up front, honest, and ethically. As best as I could with nothing but my instinct to help me -- resources for me were nonexistant.
Then I was married and moving toward thinking of having a kid by the time the first edition of "Ethical Slut" rolled around. I was amused that it came too late for me. I was out of the dating pool!
I've been in a closed polyship of 2 with DH for 16 yrs and we've been together almost 20. He was one of my college "V" arms. We're not at a place where we'd consider Opening again. Too much on our plates with kidcare, eldercare for aging parents, etc. But we talk a lot, and he knows how I'm wired and he loves me how I am and I love him as he is. So we're happy.
If it comes to fly another polyship one more time... I think we'd be fine. It's been done before. I'm the polyamorous person and he's wired for monoamorous-but-polyfriendly.
So my intro to poly? I'm not sure. It's always been kinda... there. It's just been learning to roll with it and own it and live it.