Playing with fire....

[BaggagePatrol]

I've recently become involved with a married woman who I met under the pretext of her being in a polyamorous relationship. Upon further discussion, it became apparent that they had only discussed being poly as theory, and that in reality had a long way to go in communication and negotiations before they'd be ready to open their marriage (on his side, not hers - she is raring to go).

I am extremely attracted to this woman; she is my ideal girlfriend both internally and externally, and I am drawn to her like a moth to a flame. The feeling is mutual, and she is not shy in expressing her desires to explore a relationship with me.

Her husband is not yet on board. He has granted her permission to be friends with me, and we're spending a fair amount of time together - we txt, go for walks, have gone to cultural events, and she is having me over for dinner tonight. I have to fight the urge not to touch her, kiss her, and I'll admit that I have been communicative about these struggles with her. She delights in our mutual attraction, and I can only imagine how hard she is pushing her husband to come around to her way of thinking.

Having just experienced being on his side of things (in a slightly different, but still similar way) in a recent relationship with my husband (Elemental) and his now ex-girlfriend, I am treading cautiously forward with her. In some ways I am relieved that she has decided to fall for me, as it means that I can help her have integrity and patience with her husband as she negotiates the idea of non-monogamy with him. From what I understand she/they are discussing the possibility of both of them being able to date, but that his preferred comfort zones would be with her dating one woman, and possibly having a threesome with said woman at some point (which I am open to, and Elemental is fine with). They seem to be a long ways away from this point.

So my question is - would you pursue a friendship with someone, knowing that it's too soon to have the relationship that you ultimately desire with them? Is it too dangerous to spend time with someone that you share an incredible amount of physical attraction with under the guise of friendship? Is it a ticking time bomb that could ultimately drive her and her husband apart from the sheer pressure of ever-present-desire for a different way of being? Am I playing with fire and putting a long term relationship in jeopardy here?

She's made it clear that if I want to slip up and be naughty with her that she is fully on board. I won't do that, but it concerns me that she would - I know she wants what I want, but to me integrity, honesty, and moving at a reasonable pace seem like the smart long term moves.

Curious as to what other people's take will be on it.

[KyleKat]

Sounds to me like they are working on their relationship and as of yet you have done nothing to warrant distrust or resentment from the husband. By being there you're causing two things to happen. The first is that you're forcing them to deal with the issue. It is very possible that he would just put it off if he wasn't pressured so now he has to spend time thinking about it. The second is that by being the attraction you're ensuring she doesn't go off and be with someone else without his consent. That would destroy any chance at them being poly if not their entire relationship.

You're doing more good than harm. If you slip or if it becomes apparent that he is taking a dislike to you, then you can reconsider. I say keep playing it slow.

[sparklepop]

I think you've definitely got the right idea with integrity and honesty.

I'm hoping that this yellow flag of her perhaps saying she and her husband were more along the poly train than they are, plus telling you that she could be naughty with you before he's ready, is just because she's new to poly and she's getting carried away with the excitement. :)

I would suggest taking it very slowly and perhaps cutting down on the time you spend together... or perhaps pick specific types of dates and times that will make sleeping together difficult.

I'd also suggest getting to know the husband more and talking through things with him.

Obviously, whilst he does not own her, she should really be patient and considerate of him. She needs to let him know if she can't handle waiting any more. It's her responsibility to get her needs out there... it's not fair to act on them regardless of his feelings.

For example, my GF recently started dating. It was going to be her first sexual partner outside of her marriage and myself. She had one date with the 7th guy she met, came home and said to me "I cannot wait any longer for this, I'm chomping at the bit, I need to do this now. If I have to wait longer, I'm afraid I'm going to break a guideline. I don't want to do that, but I've waited long enough."

I found this a bit offensive at first, that she couldn't control herself. But then I realised, she just couldn't wait. I might have a little more self control than most people - that was her limit. She knew that for her, waiting any longer was going to cause resentment and unhappiness. I think that your potential-new-lover really needs to get her needs across to her husband if they are that strong that she's willing to act now.

How long have they been exploring the idea of poly in theory?