What triggers jealousy for you?

[StarTeddy]

Although poly people probably experience less jealousy (or deal with it more effectively) than mono people, jealousy is still very real for many poly people. It's probably different from mono jealousy though; I know it is for me.

When trying to explain the way I get jealous to mono friends, I like to use what I call the cake analogy. In the analogy, "couple behavior" with someone (in a relationship or otherwise) is symbolized by a cake. If I'm interested in that person, it's an amazingly delicious chocolate fudge cake. If I have a slice of cake, and I'm happy with the size of my slice, I don't have any problem sharing the rest of the cake with other people. However, if I'm not allowed to have any delicious cake and there's someone eating some in front of me going "this cake is amazing", I get angry and jealous.

I wonder this type of jealousy is common among poly people or not.

What kind of situations trigger jealousy in you? How do you deal with it when it does happen?

[Glitter]

OMGosh! That is exactly how I see it myself :D I am so glad to read this, it makes so much sense. Thank you for posting, it has truly helped me :) I know this is my first post, but I've been lurking for a while now. This makes tremendous sense to me and I will be sharing it with my SO :)

[LovingRadiance]

I believe that what you are describing is actually envy.

Jealousy is a resentment against a rival-or enemy.

Envy is wanting what someone else has.

I kind of think of it as jealousy is when I don't want someone else to have it period.
But envy is when I don't have it and they do and I want it too.

If that makes sense?

And to your thought-
Yes, I agree. I don't tend to be possessive or jealous by nature. However, I do find that it is harder when I want something and someone else has it but I can't.

On the other hand, if all of my needs are fulfilled, I can fully enjoy seeing them enjoy all sorts of things without any negative feelings erupting. :)

[Glitter]

Very interesting point! I would never have thought of it that way :)

[LovingRadiance]

Me either, but amidst some of our worst times, someone on here brought it up and it stuck with me. :)

[Glitter]

I think envy is definitely a better term for it. I wouldn't want to limit my husband to a relationship with me only, so envy fits it better :D Thanks!

[SchrodingersCat]

Yep, it's usually envy I tend to feel. Hubby works out of town and when he takes advantage of non-monogamy, he does so when on the road. So I wouldn't be getting it anyway, but I can't help but feel some envy for the person who is. I don't let it stand in my way and it goes away easily with a bit of rational thought, but the first reaction is that small pang of envy.

I was well loved and attended as a child, so I have pretty high self-esteem. I don't tend to get jealous and insecure, and I usually recognize it as such pretty quickly and nip it in the bud. Usually that's just a matter of declaring that I feel such, and then deciding to manage it.

[Glitter]

See, a few years ago, I had the worst insecurity. It took counselling and a lot of honest talks with hubby to really get it through my head that all the things I was afraid of, were not /my/ issues, but my parents'. I had to come to terms and understand that what my parents' did, does not dictate what /I/ do. Now and then I am a bit envious, but it's not bad, and I can make myself see that the person I am in envy of, is happy, and they deserve to be happy ;)

[Arrowbound]

I generally feel envious when it comes to my SO drooling over the physicality of other women, specifically those whose body types I'd love to have. So I'll feel envious of said woman. Sometimes it's fleeting, sometimes it lingers for a little longer than that.

[Tonberry]

I get pangs either when someone I have feeling for (but am not in a relationship with) is close to a female (and I wonder if she's his girlfriend, or going to be, etc) or if I don't know where a partner is and figure he might be with a girlfriend and has not warned me.

In the first case, it's because the guy I'm not with could be mono, therefore if he has a girlfriend or gets one, he won't be available anymore, therefore I'd actually "lose" something (while if it's a current partner, I'm already with him so what do I care?).
In the second case, it's the not knowing part that makes me feel bad, and the idea that he might have gone to see someone else and left me in the dark. It makes me feel neglected and unappreciated. If I receive a text saying he's got a date tonight or something, then that's fine because I was told. Although it's best if he first tells me "I'm thinking of asking X to a date tonight" or "X asked me to a date tonight" so I'm told before the decision is made and not told after the fact.

[Ready2Fly]

I feel the same feelings.

I have exactly zero jealousy for my wife, since I am absolutely secure in our relationship; I know that we feel the same way about poly in general and our relationship in particular: that our feelings for and sex with other people has no bearing on our relationship with each other. Our relationship isn't remotely in any danger when she has a date with someone else or goes to bed with them.

On the other hand, I have a big crush on a mono girl right now, and we do a lot of "platonic dating:" i.e., we spend all kinds of time together and share a certain intimacy without being in an official relationship beyond "friends." I know that some day she'll find the monogamous hunka burnin' love that she's looking for. When that day arrives, what she and I have now will be gone. And holy crap do I get jealous of her. Scary jealous. Because I know she is mono and our intimacy is ephemeral. It could end at any moment.

And that's jealousy, because it's fear of losing something I have. There's no one to be envious of. Although I'm sure I'll be quite envious when that dude comes along.

I was actually thinking about this recently. Mono people get all jealously bent out of shape over sex. But I can't be jealous of sex with my crush, since we have none. Poly people get jealous over time.

[LovingRadiance]

Poly people get jealous over time.

Very observant and certainly true for me!

[Glitter]

Brilliant way of putting it, R2F!

[sparklepop]

Interesting thread!

Jealousy is a funny one for me. I'm not sure that I actually believe in it. I think jealousy is an umbrella term for whatever the root emotion is (insecurity, usually).

What R2F said about time was incredibly insightful, because time encompasses all those little things that can trigger the jealousy umbrella. A lack of time means that a person can feel, unwanted, rejected, unimportant, envious, etc.

I have found that different things trigger different emotions.

Perhaps I am not yet evolved enough - I would love to be at a stage where I thought "my partner and I are solid; therefore I have no insecurity."

For me, to date, this is not possible.

I trust in my partner and certainly, when we feel strong and in love, my feelings of insecurity almost completely dwindle.

However, I don't think that anything is certain in life. I don't think it's possible to say "I will always love you and be with you". I think it's possible to say "At the moment, I truly believe that I will always love you and be with you". For me, there's a slight difference.

Onto triggers for me...

Envy... this is one that occurs the least for me. When it happens, it can be because my partner is having a great time dating other people when I am not. How do I deal with that? Start hotting up my own dating life ;) ... or simply let it pass if I choose not to date others. Envy of time has also been rare for me. I experienced it for the first time a couple of months ago. I'd been living with my GF and her husband for 3 months in the US. I came back to England in May. She told me that her and husband had a date and had sex a couple of days after I left. I felt my very first moment of envy in over a year; wishing it was me that was still there. I basically let it pass.

Insecurity... this is a more common one, when negative feelings do arise. These days, I am less fearful of my partner leaving me and more fearful of her *attention* leaving our relationship; so that I am stuck in an unhappy situation. This type of 'jealousy' can occur for me when she is in NRE - if she's talking about them a lot, spending a lot of time with them, tells me how hot they are, etc. I deal with it by letting it pass and also talking to her. I always find that talking to her really helps - especially if I precede it by joking "I know this is ridiculous, but I'm feeling a bit of this... can I get it off my chest?"

Possessiveness... my girlfriend jokes that she's possessive and I'm jealous (insecure). She says that her knee-jerk response to me kissing someone is "hey, that's my sexy girlfriend!", whereas mine might be "I wonder if they kiss better than I do?"

I've noticed that I have started to feel more 'possessive' and less 'insecure' recently. She slept with her first person outside of our 1.5yr relationship a couple of days ago and my main response was mild envious possessiveness. A feeling of "he gets to touch her and I don't".

The final one, which is actually the most predominant of all of the 'jealousy' umbrella emotions for me, is anger/unhappiness at being mistreated. I want to feel important to my partner. I want to feel considered. If she does something like making a date with a new person and merely informing me of it, instead of saying "they've asked me out, would you feel ok if I went out with them?", I feel somewhat unimportant in the grander scheme of her life.

Whatever the root cause, yes, I do feel those pangs of the 'jealousy' umbrella. The pangs can be quite strong, or very small, depending on the situation.

All of this being said - these emotions don't consume me or our relationship. I have them, but they are not an every second of the day thing ;)

Your cake analogy is very interesting! In terms of that, I'd say that as long as my slice of cake is what I consider to be satisfying enough, then I am happy to share the rest of the cake.

[newtoday]

I know that some day she'll find the monogamous hunka burnin' love that she's looking for. When that day arrives, what she and I have now will be gone. And holy crap do I get jealous of her. Scary jealous. Because I know she is mono and our intimacy is ephemeral. It could end at any moment.

And that's jealousy, because it's fear of losing something I have. There's no one to be envious of. Although I'm sure I'll be quite envious when that dude comes along.

I was actually thinking about this recently. Mono people get all jealously bent out of shape over sex. But I can't be jealous of sex with my crush, since we have none. Poly people get jealous over time.

Very interesting way of putting that! Now I understand why my bf feels the jealousy he does over me, his mono "secondary", yet he has trouble understanding when I feel that way sometimes....

[YouAreHere]

Mono people get all jealously bent out of shape over sex. But I can't be jealous of sex with my crush, since we have none. Poly people get jealous over time.

I'm Mono, but I feel the same way you do. I have zero problem with the physical intimacy between my partner and his OSO, but the time they spend together, or various activities they have time for, just fire up the old jealousy big-time... mainly because I don't have the opportunity to do the same, due to work/kids/etc.

[thenewgirl79]

i dont get jealous of physical touch ie sex, i get jealous of emotional touch...does that make any sense?

[Marcus]

Jealousy is a resentment against a rival-or enemy.

Envy is wanting what someone else has.

The definition of those terms is irritatingly close. A friend once described the difference as:

Jealous = fear of losing something I have/want to someone else (the rival)

Envy = longing for something that someone else has.

One is competition and fear of loss (jealousy) and the other is greed and desire to possess more (envy).

Hell if I can come up with a better split between the two!

Either way, these days I experience both - the fear of losing my significant other to someone else and greed from my desire to experience their joys for myself. Granted my fear of loss is much lessened since my monogamous days but (being honest) they still jump up periodically. I do find that I envy what my partners experience every once in a while. Fortunately as one of the other posters stated this feeling is short lived and it morphs into my joy for their elation pretty quickly.

[BaggagePatrol]

That is a fine line between envy and jealousy. Envy seems like a "wishing I had what you have" and jealousy seems like a "threatened by/insecure about what might be taken away from me" kind of feeling.

My best example of an envy/jealousy trigger was in the last triad we were in. I fell in love with her, but she did not return that love. She fell deeply in love with my husband instead, and I was pretty envious of him being the sole recipient of that love. When he returned those feelings, it brought up jealousy for me. It was a pretty deadly cocktail, and I found myself in a real emotional shitstorm there.

For me, they are both challenging to deconstruct, but I think the main thing is to not give into them. They are legitimate feelings, and bring up a lot of valid issues, but in the end they are just feelings and for me, that was a pretty important realization. Taking those emotions and deciding to allow them to be the trigger for positive steps to manage them can be very empowering - seeds of jealousy/envy can result in some pretty beautiful personal growth!

[Nathan]

i dont get jealous of physical touch ie sex, i get jealous of emotional touch...does that make any sense?

It makes sense to me, no doubt about it. I dont believe that I'm the jealous type, I would not have entered into my relationship if I was. However, any fleeting moments of jealousy I do have are far to brief to matter. These moments have come about only recently. This is because my girl and her lover have allowed me to see them being intimate together, and I have seen with my own eyes how special their sexual chemistry and connection truly is. Also, they have their set nights together, these nights have increased recently, and I have now also given my consent for her lover to come to our house when the urge takes them, even if it's not one of their nights together, my girl also goes to his, and his wifes place at times. So I guess a tiny fleeting glimpse of jealousy comes when I see him giving my girl pleasure to a degree that I cannot, it is very brief though, and it is far outweighed by seeing the joy on her face, and to see her taken to a place that only he can take her to. What is most important to me is that she is 100% happy, and she is.

I have a great deal of confidence in the love we share, the emotional touch as you call it. I think I would be jealous if I could see that she shared stronger bonds of affection with him. I dont see that, although I know that she loves him. Could I cope if she did love him more????????

Yes I think that I could.

[Arrowbound]

Nathan... you're great lol. Honestly. Every time I read your posts I'm like "Yes! YES!"

Just wanted to let you know. :)

[Nathan]

Nathan... you're great lol. Honestly. Every time I read your posts I'm like "Yes! YES!"

Just wanted to let you know. :)


Thanks.:)

[GalaGirl]

I agree with so many others already posting.

I do get jealous over time.

In the buckets?

I'm not jealous about body touch. Sex, were it cootie free? I think it would fine. Seeing body nekkid is the outer bucket shell. It's fun, and why not?

I'm not jealous about mind touch -- the meeting of the minds is a headgasm I love. Friendship can go there -- have as many friends as you want!

I'm a pinch jealous about heart touch -- but again, friendship can go there if it stretches a bit. And the world needs more love anyway, so keep me in the loop there and I can be totally ok and be compersive.

I am totally jealous in soul touch -- I've parked pieces of my OWN soul in DH, and expect his soul to guard it. We're so enmeshed at this point I can't STAND the idea of a soul ambush on me via the back door that is him. So I get jealous there in spades -- pls metawhoeveryouare...

treat my babies right
the baby that is me
the baby that is my partner

If one must be dinged, ding me then. It is expected piper price. If I break? I will be furious and I will not like it but I'll deal.
If you ding him? Fine. You break him?! Without honor? I will KILL, I will be ENRAGED.
At the same time if your soul wants to dance around on the head of an angel/devil pin with ours? Come on IN! Like a Jedi, not like a freakin' Muppet.

So that's where my hardest handle/leash is. The soul bucket jealous. Greatest risks for greatest rewards.

It's a huge high, chasing that particular poly dragon. I got to taste it once and I lived and loved, for a very short while, in burning heaven/hell pendulum swing as a MFM hinge. O, the bittersweet sweet.

That's why I'm around now. We're not opening any time soon to a new lover. But I'm pulling my shit together in case there we choose to go again later.

GG

[Aurelie26]

I agree. It would be one thing for Nathan to have sex with other woman, I dont like the idea of that even, and I admit I like having him to myself, I have accepted it before though, and could do again. Luckily, I dont think I will ever have to.

I have to be honest with myself, I really dont think I could cope with Nathan loving someone else, In fact, I think I would fall to pieces. I know thats not very poly, but it's the honest truth.

This is because my girl and her lover have allowed me to see them being intimate together, and I have seen with my own eyes how special their sexual chemistry and connection truly is. Also, they have their set nights together, these nights have increased recently, and I have now also given my consent for her lover to come to our house when the urge takes them, even if it's not one of their nights together, my girl also goes to his, and his wifes place at times. So I guess a tiny fleeting glimpse of jealousy comes when I see him giving my girl pleasure to a degree that I cannot.

Nathan, we have a special sexual connection also.:) It may be special for different reasons, and the sex I have with you may not be as orgasmic as it is with Scott, and you can't make me physically feel the way he does, but our lovemaking is more beautiful, and you make me feel loved and special, and girly, and beautiful, and Scott doesn't do that.

Things will get back to normal after Scott and I have got over this weird NRE type of feeling that we have at the moment.


I have a great deal of confidence in the love we share, the emotional touch as you call it. I think I would be jealous if I could see that she shared stronger bonds of affection with him. I dont see that, although I know that she loves him. Could I cope if she did love him more????????

I will never love Scott or anyone else more than you! (Again not very Poly):p I could never feel more affection for anyone more than the love & affection that I feel for you. I love you more and more everyday. xxxx