Polyamory: Married and Dating - Premier July 12th

[WaywardDruid]

FYI

See more at Polyamory in the News:

"The Showtime cable network has (finally) issued a press release and posted trailers announcing its reality series "Polyamory: Married and Dating." Among the people the series will feature are poly-community organizer and tantra teacher Kamala Devi, her husband Michael McClure, and their extended pod. Seven half-hour segments will air Thursdays from July 12 through August 23."

http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2012/06/showtime-announces-polyamory-tv-series.html


Just Me,
Tim

[Tonberry]

Sadly, the videos aren't available from my location. I'm cautiously interested though.

[km34]

I'm hoping it doesn't turn out to be quite as sex-focused as the previews make it look.

No doubt it will be interesting.

[ThatGirlInGray]

What ISN'T sex-focused in tv/movies/etc anymore? :(

[butterflywaterfall]

I wish I got Showtime! I want to see this!!!

[BlueDragonfly]

Glad I saw this post, I have set up my DVR! :)

[blisscoach]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gORoIA4FnQw
This summer spread the love. Don't miss the series premiere of Polyamory: Married & Dating beginning July 12th at 11PM ET/PT. This provocative reality series takes an inside look at non-monogamous, committed relationships that involve more than two people. Lindsey and Anthony are married, but live in a triad (three-way relationship) with their girlfriend, Vanessa. Husband and wife Michael and Kamala (who have a young son) are adjusting to having two of their lovers, fellow married couple Jen and Tahl, move in with them. This explicit look at modern-day polyamory follows characters grappling with the emotional and sexual drama of sharing their hearts, as well as their beds.

[Tonberry]

Now that I have seen the trailer, I agree that it looks framed in a sexual way. It's weird though, the people talk about love, the images show sex.
Oh well, we'll see how it goes.

[Carolina]

It's cool to see poly in the more mainstream media in general but I do agree, this looks very sex-focused and there is a bit of a disconnect in the overtly (almost exclusively) sexual imagery in the promo but the talk is about love. While I am all for sex-positivity, I think it can be a very fine line to toe with something like this and I fear the media may err on the side of exploiting the sex over really exploring the full intimate relationships. We'll hafta wait and see on that. I've set my DVR and will definitely check it out.

I'm not crazy about the "Married and Dating" subtitle, personally. I guess if it were part of an ongoing series where each 'season' had a different focus or something that might be cool but I don't like the insinuation that poly = open marriage. And I'm not nuts about the triad appearing to be represented by a 2 + 1 dynamic. I hope that's not how it is presented. If so, would like to see a 1+1+1 dynamic represented in addition.
I guess I take personal exception to that as a bit of a "unicorn" myself. Last thing I need is for that to be people I know's mainstream intro to a poly triad. Lol. It's already hard enough for them to wrap their brains around it being a relationship that happens to involve three people, not a couple plus me.

I'm very curious to see how this show is presented. I have my reservations but would love to be proven wrong and see it done well. I just think that poly needs more than a few 30min shows about a couple of open marriages to be given a fair shake.

[CielDuMatin]

It's weird though, the people talk about love, the images show sex.It's Showtime - what do you expect? :eek:

[Tonberry]

Well, I had never heard about Showtime before, so I had no expectations in particular.

[LovingRadiance]

Yep-way sexual visuals that don't meet up with the word choices. Hell, don't even match my real life poly experiences... :rolleyes:

[Pretzels]

Yeah, sitting around and talking about how to make a relationship work is decidely un-sexy.

Oh well.

[Energynomad]

My hubby and I just watched the first in the Showtime series POLYAMORY: Married & Dating (we recorded it on DVR, and watched it over morning coffee). It had pluses and minuses, but it was disappointing, really. Sex sells, I guess - and that is what it emphasized. It moved TOO QUICKLY, showing two poly families moving in together and having drama - all in a 22 minute segment.

The first show covered way too much ground, with too much drama for me, and I'm a poly person. The show was not an ideal way to introduce poly into mainstream culture.

[Rymmare]

I want to see this! Even if it is super sexualized. I know it will probably make poly look bad, but honestly the people who don't get it, aren't going to watch a tv show and have their minds changed. People are just way to hateful, scared and judgemental about things that are different. This show was being discussed in one of my mommy groups and I had to just walk away from the computer. I try not to argue with people about it because I know it gets me no where but ugh!! And that was before the first episode even aired.....

[paul16451]

I just tried watching the first episode of Polyamory: Married and Dating (we taped it at a friend's request), and could barely get through it. If it had been a full hour, I wouldn't have been able to.

The best way to describe this show is as the "16 and Pregnant" of polyamory. I wasn't aware that it was classified under "late night" Showtime, or else I might have gotten a clue.

The show is nothing more than a puerile soft porn erotic attempt at a romp, and a rather unsuccessful one at that, with drama thrown in for additional bad measure. Explicit shots of group sex abound (at best, questionably real), and of course all the participants are toned, rock-hard eye candy who have the brains of five-year-olds when it comes to communication.

The show was obviously written for a target audience of drunk horny teens, or mindless adults, who love such drively drama. Other comparable shows are "Cheaters", "Fifth Wheel", and Jerry Springer. And have just about as much connection to actual polyamory as the other shows, or sitcoms, connect to real life.

So honestly...unless you're in the mood to laugh at sheer absurdity or enjoy silly soft-core porn stuff...skip this program. You're not missing anything.

[scrumptious1969]

Thanks paul16451 for making me feel better for not subscribing to Showtime for the purpose of watching this. I'm poly curious and had hoped this would be an honest attempt to represent polyamory in a modern world. I must say that I was reluctant after seeing the previews and with your honest critique, I'm glad I steered away.

[paul16451]

You're welcome. The show uses the term "polyamory" as a flimsy excuse for showing wannabe swingers trying to live together and show off their strange sex (by soft core standards) and bodies while Big Brother cameras watch.

[paul16451]

In fairness, I did want to add that one of the women did say ONE thing at the end of the show that did resonate with me as something of a single redeeming value:

"Yes, I make love all the time. When you make love all the time, you need to consider it a celebration of life."

[Carolina]

After watching the show my reactions were a bit mixed. On the one hand, it wasn't as bad as I feared it had the potential to be. It wasn't quite what I expected from the promos (which were nothing short of awful).
On the other hand, I was still not impressed and felt it was not a good representation of polyamory or something I would want to be associated with, as a poly person.

I liked the bits which showed the groups communicating. Unfortunately these scenes were brief and blown through to get to the next sex blurb. The whole show feels choppy, random, and poorly edited. The 'sex scenes' are not well integrated and don't add value to the show in any way. Most take the focus away from the actual relationships and basically sexploit poly like I expected (making it seem like orgy city). But even as pure entertainment, they fail because they're not long or involved enough to be terribly interesting or exciting. Either way it just doesn't work. The only redeeming part was when the two couples were together at one point and one of the women showed signs of discomfort, so the other stopped and asked her what she was feeling and what she needed. I thought that was positive. Otherwise, it was just out of place, failed, contrived barely soft-core pornyness.

One scene particularly annoyed me. The triad was having a discussion about their issues surrounding one of the women's new relationship. The issue clearly wasn't resolved for everyone but suddenly they jumped up and ran off to get naked in a very forced manner. It was like someone stepped in and said, "This is boring. Go get it on instead." So the segment skipped straight from actual relationship issues and communication straight to how awesome these three model-esque people are in bed together. No resolution or segway to speak of (unless you count the awkward "I won't be happy til she's naked" comment as a transition).

So, it wasn't as bad as it could have been but it was still uncomfortable and very disappointing/embarrassing.

Most of the interactions with the triad group seemed contrived and staged. The quad's interactions came across as more genuine and positive, but the editing prevented the viewer from getting a clear look into the dynamic and inner workings of these poly relationships. That's what I want to see. Otherwise "Polyamory" should not be the title of the show, IMO. It should just be about group sex, show better sex scenes, and get on with it. (I'm not saying the people involved aren't poly or in multiple loving relationships, I'm just saying that Showtime isn't letting that remain the true focus or be explored to an appropriate extent for a show *titled* "Polyamory".)

One good thing that came of the show... My frustration with the whole thing led to an interesting conversation with my mother about what poly is and isn't.

[Celticgirl]

I want to see that so bad I don't have showtime. A meetup group I belong to showed both times it never was on the day I could view it. Hopefully I get to watch it.

[JohnnyDangerously]

I caught an episode of this earlier this week and was intrigued and somewhat disappointed. I wish they showed more than the live-together dynamic for one, and I agree, it is way too sex focused.

In this episode they had the triad having a disagreement about the GF's outside BF, and it was all pressure on the GF because the wife didn't want to own her own emotions. That one really bothered me.

The quad group's portion was better, I though, but the whole thing still didn't do Poly justice. So while I am glad to see it in the mainstream, I am uncertain about the sensationalism of it all...

[Energynomad]

JohnnyDangerously, you are right on...The wife (we're not in triads, so I didn't know that language) definitely didn't own her emotions! And she certainly wasn't experiencing COMPERSION - let's hope we see a little compersion in the episodes to come. Poly is a mindset - and that blond "wife" certainly would drive the best of us AWAY!

[Tonberry]

Just so you know, the blond one is the girlfriend and the other one is the wife. Not that it really matters, since it's a triad they're all involved anyways.

[Xared]

It's not so much that is matters which is the wife and which is the girlfriend, but it does make a bit of a difference. I missed the first episode. Watching the second episode, I was thinking the blond was the wife, and I was thinking "fucking unicorn hunters..." then I remembered at the beginning the brunette said she was the wife, and I thought "Oh... I'm confused now."

As I said, I missed the first episode, but I'm liking the show. No, I don't think it's a "typical example of what polyamory is," or that "it's a good portrayal of polyamory." It is what it is. I doubt a typical example of polyamory is a real thing that exists anyway. The show is supposed to be entertainment, not poly propaganda. Viewing it as such will lead to disappointment. Perhaps it could be portrayed better, but it could be portrayed as much worse. "It's not a terrible depiction" would probably be the best way to put it.

[JohnnyDangerously]

No, it's not a terrible portrayal, but the thing I don't like is that by exclusively focusing on the live-in model, non-poly people won't get an accurate picture or just one-dimension and think that is all it is---which it isn't.

As you said, it is hard to have a "typical" example, which is why I just wish they would diversify what they present...

[km34]

No, it's not a terrible portrayal, but the thing I don't like is that by exclusively focusing on the live-in model, non-poly people won't get an accurate picture or just one-dimension and think that is all it is---which it isn't.

As you said, it is hard to have a "typical" example, which is why I just wish they would diversify what they present...

How hard is it, though, to find people who are 1 - interesting enough to get people to watch and 2 - willing to open up their personal lives for the entire country (/world - I don't know where all Showtime is broadcasted)? Would you be willing to go on a program like this and let them follow you around so people could learn about your brand of poly?

[Xared]

Yeah, more variety would be nice, but I can see how that's difficult to accomplish, due to the "keep it entertaining" and "everyone has to sign a release" aspects. The live-in model works best with that kind of thing.

For the time being, I'm single, and therefore do not live with anyone I'm romantically involved with. Attention whore that I am, I don't think I'd be comfortable with cameras on me all the damn time. Still, if I was approached for a show like this, I'd probably do it. However, I doubt many of the people I date would sign releases. It would probably be something like this:

Episode One: I asked this one girl out. She turned me down. She didn't sign a release so there's no footage.

Episode Two: I asked this one girl out. She turned me down. She didn't sign a release so there's no footage.

Episode Three: I asked this one girl out. She said yes but stood me up. She didn't sign a release so there's no footage.

Episode Four: I asked this one girl out. She said yes and showed up for our date. She didn't sign a release so there's a few seconds of footage with her face blurred.

Episode Five: The girl from Episode Four has been ignoring my calls. I asked this one girl out. She turned me down. She didn't sign a release so there's no footage.

Episode Six: I asked this one girl out. She said yes, and she signed a release, so there's plenty of date footage and some softcore boning at the end. I had some "performance issues" because of the cameras but she was okay with it.

Episode Seven: Things are going well with Episode Six Girl. I asked this other girl out. She turned me down. She didn't sign a release so there's no footage.

Episode Eight: It turns out Episode Six Girl just wanted to use the show to promote her music career and wasn't actually interested in dating me. I'm not seeing her any more. However, lots of angry breakup softcore boning because Showtime.

Episode Nine: I asked this one girl out. She said she recognized me from the show and gave me a long, logical fallacy riddled speech about how polyamory is wrong and that I should be ashamed of myself. She signed a release though so that was fun.

Episode Ten: I asked this one girl out. She turned me down. She didn't sign a release so there's no footage.

Realistic? Probably. Entertaining? No.

Hmm... actually, maybe it would be entertaining...

[Tonberry]

I'm pretty sure the timeline wouldn't work though. People wouldn't recognise you from the show because the show wouldn't broadcast for long after they shoot it. I guess people in the second season could recognise you from the first one, which would be airing around the time they're shooting the second one, or something.

Anyways, sure there are some live-in relationships, but there are relationships with the people they don't live with, as well. Seems like it would require more cameras to show poly networks where every partner has their own place.

[WaywardDruid]

The sad thing in this weeks episode was the Poly Potluck seemed to only be attended by white / 30 something / stereotyped people. Where were the people of color or the fat handicapped people of which I am one. I use the word fat only because I'm 6'6" and 324lbs but can only stand for 10 to 15 minutes at one time so usually not that tall. Probably the producers had the final say on those invited, which I found sad :(

Just Me,
Tim

[Passionate1]

I do agree that it is a challenge to find people who are really ok with having cameras follow them in their most intimate relationships AND be entertaining enough to capture and maintain an audience. So for these reasons I absolutely get it. However it makes it a little difficult for someone in my situation to explain my particular circumstances since it is not like those shown on TV. I do not live with my other partner and we do not ALL have sex with each other. But we are just as committed as the live-ins.

I'm just happy that its out there and people are talking about it!

[BlueDragonfly]

I have now watched all the episodes (they were on my dvr). All I can say is Holy Sex! I was going to watch the show with my husband but decided to watch it on my own first and I am kinda of glad I did. Being new to poly, I don't want him to think that it is all about sex. While the show does have some parts to it that are great, I am just afraid he is just going to zone right into everyone having sex with everyone.

So I enjoy the show all in all but I don't think it fully shows poly or at least what I feel poly is...

but as most of you have said... sex sells!

[Tonberry]

Now, now, everyone does not have sex with everyone. The females have sex with everyone. The males don't have sex with one another.

That's one thing that annoys me a bit. There is already a stereotype that all poly females are bi and none of the males are. Hopefully we'll keep getting shows about real families, and the families will keep being different and unique so that the public doesn't generalise as much.

[thinkinboutpoly]

Now, now, everyone does not have sex with everyone. The females have sex with everyone. The males don't have sex with one another.

That's one thing that annoys me a bit. There is already a stereotype that all poly females are bi and none of the males are. Hopefully we'll keep getting shows about real families, and the families will keep being different and unique so that the public doesn't generalise as much.

It is becoming a stereotype. However, I agree with you that hopefully there are different groups that show the difference. I think that Tahl is bi though.
My wonderful husband is. We hope to find another bi poly couple :)

[thinkinboutpoly]

I have began to love the show. i dvr it. i just watched todays episode on time though. it was a wonderful touching show

[BlueDragonfly]

Now, now, everyone does not have sex with everyone. The females have sex with everyone. The males don't have sex with one another.

That's one thing that annoys me a bit. There is already a stereotype that all poly females are bi and none of the males are. Hopefully we'll keep getting shows about real families, and the families will keep being different and unique so that the public doesn't generalise as much.


Ok almost everyone has sex! :)

And I agree that it does sterotype.

[mermaid12]

I can understand that this show may not be realistic, but this is the FIRST time that I have ever been exposed to this idea, so I am pretty stoked about the whole thing. I ended a four year lesbian relationship last year when I fell in-love with my husband, who is very open sexually, and has told me that I could have lesbian relationships outside of our marriage. So finding this show on tv was like "WOW! I never knew." So this is something that I have been thinking about over the last few weeks, and I've joined this forum-So maybe this show that doesn't depict the "real" poly lifestyle will actually generate interest!

[Tonberry]

Oh, it does depict real poly lifestyles. Those of the people on the show :) But just like with monogamy, there is a lot of variety. One show cannot get across all of the variety.
That's why I don't think I would really change the show, my wish is for more, different shows. Different people, different situations. The more variety will be shown, the less people will think in terms of "a normal/average poly relationship..." because there isn't such a thing!

The people in the show are real, their situations are real, and it's good that people get to see them. I want more shows like this, and I'm hoping that they won't all follow the same model, so that the general public understands that neither do poly relationships.

[turtleHeart]

There is already a stereotype that all poly females are bi and none of the males are.

I'm used to that being the stereotype for swingers (where it also isn't true). In my poly circle, people are often assumed to be bi until proven otherwise. Quite a few bi males, though some are straight or gay, just as some of the women are.

[LillyMao]

I understand that Michael said on the show that he was "straight", but I don't understand how in the heat of the moment if all 4 are on the same bed, why Michael and Tahl don't consummate? I understand that he is "straight" and doesn't look for other men, but when you're just doing what feels good and comes naturally with someone you love, I don't understand why it doesn't just happen? I mean, the women sure get it on with each other, so they aren't homophobes. Why not the men? Is is because that's too racy for T.V.? Or is it because they don't generally share a bed as a foursome. They just do that for the TV cameras? They normally just wife swap and sleep in separate chambers? I don't understand. I mean, it doesn't even have to be sex. The guys could just find it pleasurable to rub against each other. There's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to be gay to enjoy the touch of someone you love. If all 4 share the same bed, then it would be inevitable that male would rub against male, even if by accident. They do love each other. Michael, Tahl, or anyone else who has a similar situation, please explain it to me.

Thanks,
Confused.

[thinkinboutpoly]

I understand that Michael said on the show that he was "straight", but I don't understand how in the heat of the moment if all 4 are on the same bed, why Michael and Tahl don't consummate? I understand that he is "straight" and doesn't look for other men, but when you're just doing what feels good and comes naturally with someone you love, I don't understand why it doesn't just happen? I mean, the women sure get it on with each other, so they aren't homophobes. Why not the men? Is is because that's too racy for T.V.? Or is it because they don't generally share a bed as a foursome. They just do that for the TV cameras? They normally just wife swap and sleep in separate chambers? I don't understand. I mean, it doesn't even have to be sex. The guys could just find it pleasurable to rub against each other. There's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to be gay to enjoy the touch of someone you love. If all 4 share the same bed, then it would be inevitable that male would rub against male, even if by accident. They do love each other. Michael, Tahl, or anyone else who has a similar situation, please explain it to me.

Thanks,
Confused.

i do think it would be easier to understand if someone in that situation explained it to us

[Tonberry]

I'd be fine with being in the same bed with another woman if we were both pleasuring a partner we had in common.
I would NEVER be fine with kissing her or rubbing against her or anything like that. If you want to understand, just imagine it's your brother/sister there. I just wouldn't be comfortable with it, regardless of how much affection I might have for them.

I think most people aren't completely straight (or gay) and would have some room for flexibility in a case like that. But some other people don't and that's perfectly fine. Nobody should be obligated to do anything with anyone else, and "you're already in the same bed!" isn't really an excuse for forcing the issue. For all we know, he already pushed his limit to be willing to be in the same bed at the same time, and they can't be pushed further.

[1of4]

i do think it would be easier to understand if someone in that situation explained it to us

I am in a quad relationship (two married couples) and the four of us are often in the same bed together. The two males in our group are straight and never interact sexually. They just don't. There just isn't any desire there and they don't. We all care about each other very, very deeply. That caring just isn't sexual between the men. As we mellow into the relationship (about 14 months into it now) we more often end up as two separate couples...either in the same bed, same room, or different rooms...but earlier in the relationship we would often end up having sex in threesome or foursome arrangements. The other female and I are more open to bi interaction and we sometimes have some mild interaction, but it is usually more of a M-F-M-F arrangement. When there are three of us it has been a pretty even split between M-F-M or F-M-F.

My husband and I have been watching the show and when we can find private time to watch TV together (no children around), we've watched a few episodes with the other couple. The first few episodes were all about sex, but now it is more about the relationship dynamics so it has become more interesting. We see some things that are familiar to us, but other things that are very unfamiliar. While we spend most weekends with the other couple in our quad, we don't live together, so that is part of it. We also came at our relationship from a swinging perspective. None of us were experienced swingers...it is just that we approached our first few encounters from that "no attachments allowed" perspective. The relationship and caring and emotions snuck up on us. We still skirt around labels and only cautiously use the "L" word (love). If we had to label it, we would be more likely to call ourselves "friends with benefits" than either swingers (since none of us have swung with any one else - lol) or poly.

As far as the two poly groups the show is following...the balance of power seems to be somewhat off in the quad group. I have some trouble relating to that group. The triad seems far healthier to me and the depth of their love seems more real to me. But it might just be the way the producers are depicting them, so it is hard to say for sure.

Just my to cents.

[aLABiMCpl]

.

It is like I told the Wife while we were watching the shows:
*"It is easier to be Polyamorous if you are Bisexual"

Granted, it is not necessary, since sex is more of a side affect of being Poly.... just as it is for being married.

Like Marriage, Poly's Infinite Love transcends sex.
If sex is what you are looking for in a partner, I believe you have crossed the Poly line and have fallen into Swinger territory.

*At least mentally

.

[CielDuMatin]

Holy Rainbow Text, Batman!

:D

[MusicalRose]

Haven't gotten to watch this show yet, but I will revisit this topic if I get a chance to watch it. I kind of expected it to be a bit oversexed, but I'm hoping at the very least that people will get some exposure to the idea through this. Right now, I feel like there are still people for whom polyamory is completely off their radar. They might have heard of swinging or partner swapping, but to fall in love with more than one person? I think that still really goes over the heads of a lot of people.

[MusicalRose]

:D

I'm glad that it helped you to move in that direction then. I remember the moment I realized I might be poly. I still remember being in my bedroom and reading the book and feeling like a light bulb just went on in my head. That happened in 10th grade and I've never felt like it would be wrong for me since.

[km34]

I've watched the first 4 episodes (finally found the online - yay!) and so far I've thought it's really good. There is a lot of sex, but I expected that. The quad seems to communicate ALL THE TIME while the triad seems a little more natural in their communication. My only complaint is how often I hear "that's not poly" coming out of some of their mouths. Driving me nuts!

[Tonberry]

So, finally saw the show.

I was warned that there was a lot of sex, but I expected things like them going to bed, and then it cuts, or sex under covers so you don't see anything. Nooooo. You can see almost everything. There is full female nudity, and you can see everything but genitals for males. There are videos of people having orgasms. It's way more raunchy than I expected even after being warned.
And it makes me curious how they found people who agreed to that, especially when some of them weren't out yet.

I find that my feelings about the people in the show have evolved. I had a bad feeling about the triad at the very start, they didn't seem to communicate that well, but then I started liking them more and more. They're very sweet and I went "aww" a lot about them. They kind of feel like inexperienced kids who fumble and make a bunch of mistakes, but have a good heart behind it all.
And that's very endearing.

On the other hand, the quad started with a good impression from me because of all the communication... but then I started disliking some of the stuff. They had very strong idea about what is or isn't really poly, and while they asked about each other's boundaries all the time they seemed to go and disregard them a bunch, or push them as far as possible, and it made me uncomfortable.
I was a bit surprised that they seemed to have a rule than anyone one of them dates needs to be "up for grabs", or it's "not poly". It seems to me there are good reasons not to want to have partners in common, just like some people won't date in the family, or in the workplace. I disliked the community of it, and I found myself surprised by it, because in theory I like the idea. But watching it, it reminded me of my experience at the girl guides, in which people constantly took my stuff and then told me after the fact, adding that I needed to learn to share.
At least I haven't seen them go behind each other's back, except the one time with Tahl.

I found myself not liking Jen at all, and I'm not sure why. Intellectually, I can see she's the one with the raw deal. The others keep imposing stuff on her that she's uncomfortable with, and when she tells them she wants to be alone, or doesn't feel like a hug, or really isn't comfortable with the woman her husband cheated with coming to her housewarming party... They just do it anyway and tell her she needs to get over it, and when she finally yields to peer pressure and says "fine" (not that they weren't going to do it anyways), people compliment her "growth", and that grated me the wrong way.
So I don't really know why I felt annoyed by her. Maybe I wanted her to either be fine with things in the first place, or stand for herself. It got on my nerves to see her uncomfortable with things in every episode, and then letting the others do it anyways, even as you can see her uncomfortable about it.

I know she says she's the one with jealousy... but jealousy often comes from insecurity, and how can she stop being insecure if she knows that her boundaries won't be respected if she places them? It seems to me that would only slow down progress.

I enjoyed the few scenes with people outside of the main relationships, especially the ones with non-poly people, such as the families. They were pretty emotional.

I wonder how much of the whole thing actually happened and how much was scripted. Obviously the two families meeting was planned to begin with. And it seems to me the families would have expected something when cameras showed up to their place to film their children.

I liked that none of the families shown were OPPs, because they're already over-represented in popular culture, I feel. It was nice seeing that pretty much all the females had more than one boyfriend, just like all the males had more than one girlfriend. It felt weird that not one of the females (be it in the main families or the extended ones) seemed to be straight. I'm guessing the ones who were either weren't out and didn't want to appear in the show, or were cut out because it was less interesting (LOTS of female-on-female sex scenes. The most graphic ones I have ever seen in my life, actually, since I never watched lesbian porn, being straight.)

I really enjoyed the relationship parts, but I had to laugh when people were saying "it's not all about the sex". I know it isn't, but in the show, it pretty much is, there is sex in every single episode. I'm glad that they're comfortable with their sexuality and all, but I wish the show had been on a different channel that didn't feel the need to put sex in it all the time. It would have been better in fewer episodes, I feel, if at all.

So my wishes for the next polyamory show would be one that's more of a documentary and focuses more on other aspects of the people's lives than the dating. I feel this show covered that already, maybe now we can have one that just features people who happen to be poly, without it being the only characteristic, and follow their lives, their jobs, their struggles and everything.

I thought the tattoo ring was a terrible idea, but I guess they've known each other from childhood it seems, so even if they decided to end the relationship, it would still be a friendship ring or something.

[blisscoach]

By Kamala Devi
www.KamalaDevi.com

“It’s a wrap!” The first season of Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating has aired and I’m reflecting on how the show impacted me personally, as well as society as a whole. I had fun creating a “top ten” list of how this series changed my life:

#10 I now own a TV, subscribe to premium cable, and actually know how to work the DVR.

Prior to doing this show I never actually watched television, much less reality TV and I’m afraid to admit, my mind might have been better off without mindless hours of Jersey Shores, Gigolos and The Kardashians, in this process, I did however, learn there is a big difference between “reality shows” and “docu-series.” Unlike in most reality TV, I was happy to learn that our docu-series was not set up, scripted, or edited radically out of context. Ultimately, however this half hour show can only capture a mere snapshot of the complexity of our love lives with 13 minutes per family, per week.

#9 I put more effort into how I dress when I leave the house.

I may not have paparazzi following me, but on more than one occasion when crossing the street to get to the grocery store, I’ve heard “I love your show!” by an anonymous head leaning out of a car window. We’ve been sighted at the gym, mall, comedy club and even the YMCA when picking my son up from summer camp. I don’t get recognized as often as my girlfriend Jen, but that’s because I don’t leave the house nearly as much, and I get out of my Pajammas even less. We live by the beach and I would not normally mind being sighted in my lingerie, but wouldn’t want to reinforce any stereotypes about the whole poly community. :)

#8 Average people are hearing about Polyamory, and getting a sense of what it means.

After 15 years of practicing poly, one gets a little annoyed with the two part question: Poly what? and Isn’t that cheating? I know, I know, there is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are only so many times you can maintain a sweet tone while saying “No, I’m not Mormon.” And no, it has nothing to do with Polyplastics, polytechnic or even polyester. So you can imagine my relief when the show finally hit the air and people started talking, blogging and tweeting about it. Even beyond Showtime, the series got notable reviews on Dr. Drew, Talk Soup, Time Magazine and Gawker. It’s fun to watch Polyamory go from only being conversed about at sci-fi conferences and renaissance fairs to becoming all the buzz during corporate coffee breaks.

#7 Friends, family and even strangers feel entitled to express their advice on what I should do.

Of course, when I put myself in the public eye, I expected a certain degree of controversy, but I didn’t expect Showtime could magically turned Polyamory into an armchair spectators sport. Admittedly, if I weren’t personally involved in this project, I probably would not reserve my humble opinion as a poly activist either, this is after all a the first groundbreaking mainstream show on the topic. It’s surprising how personally attached and deeply pained people are by what happens on the show.

I’m working hard to have compassion for those who seem to have no idea how the media works. They seem to take every word as gospel; as if whatever was captured on camera must be “the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” And that there is no space behind the scenes, or off camera, where we might self reflect, change our minds, or learn from what was just said. Further, I’m surprised by how many people think the events of the show are happening in real time. My favorite example is when I called my mother to catch up and she says: “Don’t tell me anything that’s happening with you…I can’t wait to watch it on Showtime!” And by the way, she is proud of being able to watch without covering their eyes during the sex scenes.

#6 I am forever bonded with my lovers (and have sex tapes to prove it.)

When my husband and I made the decision to shine a huge spotlight on our love life, we knew it was going to heat things up. Having cameras in our home, (and especially in our bedrooms) became a powerful spiritual practice that allowed us to better observe the ego. When a handful of lovers agree to join us in this conscious experiment, the result was alchemy that inextricably bonded everyone involved. Through the process we all learned to be better communicators, we broadened our perspectives and sometimes even saw our issues from outside ourselves. (I recommend everybody try this: the next time you get into an argument, (or have sex) set a camera up, press record, then post it on youtube to see what you learn about yourself ;)

Letting the camera crew witness our lovemaking added yet another level of vulnerability as well as personal growth. It was a truly powerful practice to help dissolve insecurity, body issues and sex shame. One of the most frequent critiques of the show is “you make polyamory seem as if it’s all about sex!” Admittedly, I value sex, a lot, and as a sex educator I likely have more of it than the average poly person. By design, this show is late-night, adult-programing, so it might focus on us making out for a disproportionate percentage of our 13 minutes, but where else does the American public get to watch real people who love each other make love without guilt, or shame?

#5 I now live in a home with my Poly family of choice.

I am not one to wear an apron, but before we started shooting the show, many neighbors have seen me playing with my husband and son in our suburban yard and probably assumed we were the perfect Beaver Cleaver family. The truth is, the nuclear household has never fit the shape of my heart. Mainstream American is built on a social construct which places straight married couples and their offspring at the center of the family unit. In my opinion this cookie-cutter conspiracy is crumbling because it clearly lacks creativity.

My heart is built more like a sprawling estate with many rooms for lots of lovers who come and go as they please. Living in apartments, condos, single family homes has always felt strange and proven terribly inefficient. My live-in-lovers and I like to share resources; four adults only need only one washer machine, toaster, blender and the afore mentioned cable TV. We also share domestic duties. Tahl likes to cook breakfast while Michael gets Devin ready for school, Jen enjoys shopping and I’ve always said, if your good in bed, you don’t need to do dishes. :) I’ll admit instead of couches, we do have an excess of beds, we put one in every room so that lovers like Roxanne can have spontaneous sleep-overs.

Not everyone who does poly is married, and far fewer ever live with multiple lovers. My husband and I were very fulfilled for many years living alone. The show gave us the opportunity to share our transition into a life long dream of living in more sustainable community. And what mother wouldn’t wants a village to help her raise her child?

#4 I am open about my non-conventional parenting choices.

Even though my son Devin only appeared in two episodes, motherhood is a huge part of my life. During pre-production, my director gave me the option of whether or not I wanted to expose my five year old to the potentially unwanted attention that would be brought on by being in an sexually explicit adult content show. We knew Showtime was a progressive and sex-positive network, but there’s no telling what other news and entertainment channels would say about this series. My producers were sensitive to a historic case where a poly mother lost custody of her child after appearing on MTV. I personally had a painful experience several years ago where Inside Edition interviewed my family and aired it along side a counter-point who warned the viewers that our lifestyle could be causing psychological damage to our son. (Clearly, this so-called “expert” never met my family, because this is the last thing they would say if they had.)

The more I considered it, the clearer I got that showing our family would prove a more powerful narrative for social change. Polyamory is not just a phase people go through before they have kids, but it is a sustainable alternative to the nuclear unit. Granted, our series is not developmentally appropriate for kids, but I hope it opens the door for other families to tell their stories, so I hope one day my son will point to a show on prime time TV and say, “look mom, that family is poly, like ours.”

I was fully prepared to handle any negative consequences that came from airing the show. Fortunately the overwhelming response has been an outpouring of supportive letters about our parenting choices, including thank you letters from people who were raised in poly families. In general society is starting to see that the healthiest environment to raise children are ones in which the parents are happy and the children get plenty of adult attention, regardless of who they love.
[B]


For the rest of this article pelase go to:

http://www.kamaladevi.com/1056/how-a-reality-show-changed-my-reality-top-ten-list-of-how-polyamory-changed-my-life

[seacucumber]

I really enjoyed the series, but being entirely new to poly I went in with very few expectations and was happy in the end that the stories were positive. My husband and I, who are still in the pre-emptive discussion phase before entering into an actually poly relationship, are able to use it to talk about thinks we hadn't really thought about at first.

Coming out to families about non traditional relationships, how these relationships end up working practically, what discussions might look like in the future, if outside dating is something we'd want to be a part of our lives.

I would love to see more in the future about how parenthood in the pod works and if the triad ever decide on having children. My son is two and my family is looking at possibly becoming a triad in the future, which I would love sooo very much.

Overall, I really hope Showtime continues the series, I loved it.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

There's an article in the Globe today, which used the TV show to open awareness of the larger poly community...check it out...and hit the comments if you can stomache them as usual.



Polyamory: Three’s (or four’s, or five’s) company (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/polyamory-threes-or-fours-or-fives-company/article4560587/)
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/polyamory-threes-or-fours-or-fives-company/article4560587/
JEFF FRASER
Special to The Globe and Mail (includes correction)
Published Friday, Sep. 21 2012, 6:59 PM EDT
When the new Canadian census figures were released this week, there was a lot of talk about the rise in single-person households, as well as same-sex pairings and unmarried couples with children. But another variety of domestic arrangement continues to fly below the radar of demographics: those that involve more than two adult romantic partners.
...

[CielDuMatin]

The comments definitely show us what we will be up against if and when polyamory tries to become more socially acceptable. Thanks for the article.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

The comments definitely show us what we will be up against if and when polyamory tries to become more socially acceptable. Thanks for the article.

That's why when these things come up its handy for people who can stomachs them to read or at least login and push the ratings up or down...it will let the bigots know that they're loosing their majority. Or at least the editors...I'm sure the bigots could care less.

[seacucumber]

Wow... those comments are horrific. I knew there was opposition to polyamory and that in many cases it was stronger than the opposition some people have to LGBTQ lifestyles but wow... I wasn't expecting that.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Poly In the Media:
SEPTEMBER 25, 2012
Casting call for possible 2nd season
of Showtime's Polyamory (http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.ca/2012/09/casting-call-for-possible-2nd-season-of.html)
As regular readers know, I feel that Showtime's Polyamory: Married & Dating reality series was a big step forward for introducing the concepts and ideals of poly to the wider world, and for humanizing us to the public. I think other issues with the show were secondary; realistically we could hardly have asked for more. In particular, we lucked out with the show's producer/director Natalia Garcia, who believes in the series and its message passionately.

[thinker]

watch it via online, that is more like soft-core porn than polyamory. If you check the "people" (or shall i say actors) they are not even polyamory at all anyway

(just wasted my internet credit to watch this piece of crap:mad: dissapointing!)

[Tonberry]

What do you mean, they're not polyamorous? As far as I know, they are.

[MusicalRose]

I know the show definitely looks for real poly folk. As well as on this website, the creator has also called for people to come interview for the show in my hometown's poly group.

[thinker]

What do you mean, they're not polyamorous? As far as I know, they are.

1.) look at this site http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2227610/combined

2.) look at the cast and search everyone of them from google

3.) look at the comments (reviews) of this "show"

4.) be amazed!

(i suspect the show is scripted........)

[KyleKat]

The creator of the show reached out to my local hometown for interviews and recordings. I think it's less scripted than some people would like to believe.

As far as the haters, I live in a pretty conservative, republican town. I have not yet met anyone who was that harsh to me. I suspect most people are using their internet bravery to say hurtful things.

[Tonberry]

1.) look at this site http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2227610/combined

2.) look at the cast and search everyone of them from google

3.) look at the comments (reviews) of this "show"

4.) be amazed!

(i suspect the show is scripted........)

If you are going to place accusations, you probably shouldn't expect others to do all the work.

I went to your link, googled some of the names (didn't find anything implying any of them was anything but poly), read the one review (which had nothing about them not being polyamorous) and I'm still confused. If you think they're just actors who were hired to pretend to be poly, you'll have to explain why, for instance, Devi was already well-known in poly circles before the show even started. Or why you think any of them didn't actually know each other or weren't actually involved.

As it is, I don't know if you mean "they weren't all poly" or "none of them are actually poly" or something else altogether, and I followed your "instructions" and got nowhere closer to an answer. So please spell it out if you're going to say things like that. Who is a mono actor and how do you know they are?

[thinker]

The creator of the show reached out to my local hometown for interviews and recordings. I think it's less scripted than some people would like to believe.

As far as the haters, I live in a pretty conservative, republican town. I have not yet met anyone who was that harsh to me. I suspect most people are using their internet bravery to say hurtful things.

interesting maybe they are actually doing some research on it ahh well as far as for haters its just that show shows too much drama as well as "soft-core" stuff:p how embarrassing :o

but still its not my cup of tea (literately)

[Helo]

interesting maybe they are actually doing some research on it
I've actually talked with the woman who created the show and she made a point of trying to get to know the poly community in LA as part of the show's casting outreach. She's...very dedicated and very proud of the fact that the show isn't scripted. I'm sure there are moments that are staged to be a little more camera friendly. The groups seem to work hard to keep the show focused ONLY on their relationships and not let it turn into "lets follow poly people around all day" so some re-staging of important events is probably called for.

I've made a point of viewing every piece of media produced on the subject of polyamory and I think I've seen most everything there is. From that standpoint, its an interesting show, definitely worth a look. It shows some great moments with the groups working out problems and the dynamics the show follows are very interesting.

That said, I would not characterize the show as a prime example of a good representation of the community. The show is very, VERY focused on sex. The intro is 99% sexual in nature and the show itself has numerous shots of the groups having sex. Its fairly graphic, I am nowhere a prude but even I found the amount of sex the show displays to be edging on excessive. I think it gives a bit of support to the criticism that we often have leveled at us; that polyamory is a cover for nymphomania and promiscuous behavior.

My critique has to be taken with the understanding that Married and Dating is a TV show and as such has to push the envelope in order to get and keep viewers. The poly people the show follows seem to be a good mix of individuals and the show doesn't try to shove the participants into "roles," taking their worst attributes and making them the only visible aspect of that person. They actually seem like real people.

All in all, its a decent show and it looks at a lot of important aspects of how a poly relationship functions on a day-to-day basis.


As to the comments on the Globe and Mail article, I'm not so sure they're that bad. Yeah some of them are rather knuckle-dragger but there are a lot that boil down to "consenting adults = no one's business." The comments that seem to not understand why the show is such a big deal are also encouraging in their own way; the poster views the idea as normal enough not to warrant the kind of attention a TV show would deliver and general acceptance of polyamory is a positive.

[apanda]

I've seen all of the episodes of this show and it sort of turned me off. I was worried that it was an accurate representation of what it means to be poly and that all that meant was a lot of sex, and bi females. I am a straight female and am interested in poly but I got so worried that I would have to be involved in relationships with females or that the men would be involved sexually, which is totally not my thing. After doing some real research I learned that straight polyamorous relationships do exist and was so disappointed in this show for not portraying that. It's way too sexualized.

[WaywardDruid]

It's way too sexualized.

Reality TV....

They have to set the Hook before they can reel in the Fishies....

http://lazarusl.com/Setting_the_hook.jpg

Just Me,
Tim

[Helo]

It's way too sexualized.
True and I actually put that concern to Natalie (the show's creator) at one point. She feels the show is and tries to be very "sex positive" (her words, not mine).

And as WaywardDruid alluded to, this IS a TV show and they depend on ratings to be renewed for new seasons and get people interested so pushing the envelope is expected.

I wonder if there's been a jump in the interest in polyamory as a result of the show.

According to the numbers, it has.
http://www.google.com/trends/explore#q=polyamory&cmpt=q