The Blog of the Mono Wife [Archive]

ak2381

04-15-2010, 08:53 PM

I am reentering my story here and using this thread as my own little blog. Please feel free to comment. I just thought this would be a good place to let stuff out.
This all started when I found out my husband had fallen in love and cheated with a coworker. It was a terrible time but instead of giving up I fought and we realized that he needed a poly relationship and if I was going to keep him then I had to give this to him. I also found out through all our talking that she is not the first he cheated with, just the first one he fell in love with. The others were one night stands but along the way of trying to be an asshole he fell in love with one of his flings and the shit hit the fan. This is a woman I knew, had had threesomes with and was beginning to consider a friend. It has been two months since everything has come out. I am learning to accept his poly lifestyle. I still have freakouts and melt downs but I have read so much on communication and other peoples stories. I have even found a few friends on here that I really value their opinions. My husband and I are working very hard on our marriage and I know he feels horrible for the times he was unfaithful. He is honest in everything he does for me, or at least I work very hard to trust him. He makes it difficult not to now actually because he is constantly calling, texting or telling me face to face everything he does.

I guess I am more just talking here than having a problem. I like to get things out by typing sometimes and getting others thoughts. Last week was a nightmare that got progressively worse.
On Tuesday he was suppose to be with J but things didn't work out. Her husband got called off of work and if that happens she has to cancel plans with her. I know he was disappointed but I think he didn't handle things right when he came home all upset and went to sleep without talking to me. And he knows he did, apologized later. The next day he had an unexpected night with her because they had a fight and he went over to her place to make up. I do ask him to give me fair notice so that if I am having a bad day I can put myself in a good place somehow. Well that didn't happen. It was a last minute thing and I was still in a mood for how he had come home the night before.
Thursday was a night where she came over here so that the three of us could have some time together so she and I could build a stronger bond. I am trying very hard to be good friends with her. After all we have a someone very special in common. But I was so built up over the last two days that while I put on a face I was stressed and felt very inferior and intimidated. Then husband and I usually have a very intimatie kinky night to ourselves the day after they are together or three of us are together and that is very important to me. Helps me remind me that I still have a place in there right now. Hopefully I won't always be so needy for this night. But we didn't. We got busy with life. Saturday we fought over the events from the week. Sunday was all travel and more dramatics, melt downs, freak outs and fighting.

This week is better. I have gotten out and enjoyed the weather and exercised and increased my endorphins A very big thing for me. I couldnt cope with this without my exercise or my daughter. Tonight is their night and I just wanted to get on here for some comfort and company so I hope no one minds my rambling. It is hard not to focus on the fact that they are together tonight. I don't want it to kill my good spirits that I have had this week.

How do the monos handle the quiet nights? Poly's how do your partners deal with it.

I am totally mono. I am learning this new life so that my husband can feel free to be himself without feeling restricted and that he has to hide from me. I am just feeling lonely tonight as I usually do. Will I always feel this on edge and antsy. Does this ever ease? I want to say I am doing better than I use to but it has only been two months and I have yet to go two weeks without crying over it.

Any thoughts or opinions would be great. Thanks.

ak2381

04-15-2010, 09:12 PM

So last night husband was with J. When he got home I gave him his "gush time" that was suggested to me. He talked about some of the things they did together. He talked about some of their topics of discussion. He went over how he felt about her and in comparison to me, of course there was no comparision.
We fell asleep happily in each others arms. I am happy to say I didn't stop here. I spent so much of last week trying to handle my feelings on my own that I figured I would try something different this time. So I took the gush time to her as well. She and I text all morning about her night with him and how she was feeling. I wanted to know her feelings of love and committment towards him. I wanted to know her lever of happiness. I wanted nothing left for my imagination to warp into worse case scenarios and drive me crazy.
This time there was so much talking but so much more understanding. I came away feeling so much more well informed. Husband wasn't sure how much he wanted me conversing with her but I feel it is important so that she and I can keep up our communication. Otherwise she is someone that is just sleeping with my husband and because the husband stealing bitch that she really isn't.

The three of us had lunch together today and curled up in each others arms at the state park to enjoy the beautiful day. I have to say with all the talking it was the most comfortable I have felt with the two of them. It still tugged and hurt to see them kiss but he would kiss me too. He kept the cuddling to both of us. She and I worked together to relax him. It was very pleasant.

Thanks for the advice and help so far.
:cool:

Ariakas

04-15-2010, 09:16 PM

How do the monos handle the quiet nights? Poly's how do your partners deal with it.

I have seen variations of this question come up often on poly sites. Quick question(s) - What did you do when you were single? Go out with friends, play pool, go to a poetry reading, art...maybe some adult language classes? The lists are endless. (I could keep guessing but I have no idea what you like for hobbies)

It might be a good idea to have a calendar so you can see when dates happen and then make plans to go out yourself. I am not saying to stop being mono, but bring back some of that social side that may be forgotten.

Seeing as both my wife an I are open, I can't relate directly as we are usually out together, but I am far more the social animal than she is. She has had to relearn the social side since she relied on me for all of her social behaviour, something I found both suffocating and too dependant on her part. It was hurting both of us.

Ariakas

04-15-2010, 09:23 PM

MonoVCPHG

04-15-2010, 09:29 PM

Wow! Great story and thanks for sharing.

ak2381

04-15-2010, 09:36 PM

I just posted this in the New to Polyamory area but since this is my blog I am going to put it here as well so I can keep everything together.

So for a mono this should probably be a dream come true but I just see the pain it is causing my husband.
J's husband, who oddly enough is also poly, swinger actually is more his title although he has fallen in lover with women outside his marriage. They just had to move so he and her are no longer together. Anyway back to topic.
J's husband is becoming increasingly jealous of J and my husband. So for the sake of her marriage J might have to end things with my husband. She just doesn't want to hurt hers anymore. And I feel for her and understand that.

But now my husband is hurting even though he understand why she might have to do this. She is talking things out with her husband. I know he is trying to be ok with her being in love with another man but it is hard for him. He has tried very hard to step aside but doesn't seem to be handling things very well. Sometimes he is so ok that he sends my husband pics of J in bikinis and lingerie. Other times he is breaking down and saying he gives up. Yet he leads a poly life himself, he just doesn't have an OSO at the moment, but he does have little flings from time to time.

It is going to be a long weekend of tears, talks and pain. Someone is going to come out hurting. And me, the mono, I think is the only one holding it together. Ironic wouldn't you say?

I am trying to be there for my husband. I know he is having a hard time with this. So am I. I have learned to be friends with J. Is there anything I can do besides be there and hold him? Her husband isn't really into talking to the rest of us. We have all tried but he refuses to get in the middle of it. I know he feels inferior because he is a heavier guy. My husband, the gym fanatic comes along, and his wife falls in love with him as well.

I wish I could help them. I am still accepting all of this as well. But I guess through all my research and talking on here I am handling this better than the three of them. Wierd that the mono has all the answers.

ak2381

04-17-2010, 05:23 PM

So good news on the part with the J's husband. They had a good long talk last night. And she text me to let me know that he simply asked for some time with her. He doesn't want her to end her relationship with my husband, he just needs a small break so that he can have some quality time with his wife. With everyone on board, the blessing was given for the two of them to continue but to hold off on sexual relations for a couple of weeks.

As for me I am happy to see my husband smile again. I went to lunch with J yesterday to check on her. This was before she talked to her husband. While she was trying to keep a smile on her face it was pretty easy to see through. Her eyes looked very tired and strained.
My husband wasn't much better. He was taking things pretty hard. Them working together only made it worse because it was awkward between the two of them. This was something I had never seen from him before. He was hurting. He wasn't really withdrawn from me. I can't really say he was distant. He was strained himself. He was teared up a little the first night but pushed it away so I wouldn't see him cry over another woman. He held me close but there was something missing in his face and voice. I don't think he even realized how much I could really see. And there was nothing I could do for him. It wasn't me this time that was crying and begging silently for someone to make the pain go away from my heart. And it hurt a bit to know that I wasn't the thing in his life that he was longing for right now. He had me and that was what got him through these last couple of days. I wanted to bad to be enough for him to be happy. But I wasn't. He wanted her too. And that hurt. But as much as that hurt. It hurt so much more to see him like this. To see him trying to hide behind his work and our marriage from how much he missed her.

When J came back and had worked everything out with her husband I saw some of that light return to him. She is in bliss. Husband is treading water carefully. He is afraid of being hurt again. I just have to remind him that her husband didn't do anything wrong. I have had those hard times as well. And her husband never asked for them to stop. J was calling it quits to save her husband from further pain. And when they talked they were able to find common ground. Neither her husband nor I will ever ask them to stop seeing each other no matter the pain. Seeing their faces and watching what they go through is worse.

Now I am trying to fight through the feelings of knowing that just being with me wasn't what made him this happy again. He told me last night that when I showed up at work for the both of them, and even though I had to see them separately, it saved his day. It made it that much easier to get through. And I really appreciate that. It just gives me mixed emotions because I am sad that my husband was missing that big of a chunk of his life because of another woman. I want to have that whole heart and not share it but I can't do that anymore.
I am not freaking out or melting down. I am just a little sad. I am so happy that they worked things out. I told him I just can't bear to see him hurt that much. And if he ever needs me anywhere I will be there no questions asked. It is just a little heart wrenching sometimes. Typing this out is helping. I really love this blog thing. Helps get my thoughts out.

ak2381

04-17-2010, 05:39 PM

So husband and J have this whole dom/sub thing with their relationship. It is a big thrill for the both of them. I had asked him awhile ago that I would like him to give me some of this excitement to me as well. I felt like I got the boring sex and time and she got the fun nights.
Now let me explain that I use to do things for husband awhile ago that kind of stopped over time. And she picked them up naturally now. She and I are surprisingly similar. I use to call him sir to be playful and show my respect of his role as my husband and provider. But he didn't like that so I stopped. I used to wear cute thongs and garter belts and g-strings and things like taht under my clothes. But as time went on and our marriage slowly started going downhill I gradually stopped. He use to call me Angel and that stopped as the years went by.
Now she calls him sir. He loves it. She never knew I use to call him that. It just happened. She wears that stuff now, not knowing again I use to do that, just knowing he likes that stuff. He calls her Kitten because of a little choker she wears. He just now started calling me Angel again because of that so I didn't feel so inferior and less important. I do appreciate his efforts.
So he does what I ask and brings home some of the excitement of BDSM and the whole dom lifestyle. We are purely in bedroom with that stuff. I know some make it a full lifestyle but outside the bedroom we don't so we can show our daughter that we are equals and I am not less than he is.
Through bringing home the dom/sub life he has asked me to call him sir in the bedroom and wear the garters and such again. I do as I am asked because that comes with it. But I almost feel like a copycat, a second thought. He knows these are my worries and tries to reassure me that this is simply because it is something he likes, not because he is trying to make a carbon copy of J. I understand this but it feels wierd and I have a hard time not picturing them when he does this. I guess time will give me what I need and I will get use to doing this stuff again. After all I had it once a long time ago and lost it. It isn't her fault she does it now instead of me. I should have never let this go. I was a little upset about the sir thing since he told me he didn't like it and then a few years later got a thrill when she did it.
What can I do though. Another discomfort to work through. Someday I will work through them all right?

Ariakas

04-19-2010, 05:57 PM

So husband and J have this whole dom/sub thing with their relationship. It is a big thrill for the both of them. I had asked him awhile ago that I would like him to give me some of this excitement to me as well. I felt like I got the boring sex and time and she got the fun nights.

Thats fair. I can explain what happened with me in this case. My wife and I used to play a lot. Some things happened that ended up stopping this kind of play. Whenever we have taken a partner, that was half the fun, my ability to play.

This last time around I realized I really missed it, a lot. So did my wife. We had to bring it back into our "couple" relationship. But it did take work. I felt like I couldn't dom her, disrespect her or hurt her physically because she was my wife. I had to relearn that I could and she wanted it :)

. He calls her Kitten because of a little choker she wears. He just now started calling me Angel again because of that so I didn't feel so inferior and less important. I do appreciate his efforts.

Are you sure, or maybe he is finding his groove again? Are you assuming or have you asked.

So he does what I ask and brings home some of the excitement of BDSM and the whole dom lifestyle. We are purely in bedroom with that stuff. I know some make it a full lifestyle but outside the bedroom we don't so we can show our daughter that we are equals and I am not less than he is.
Through bringing home the dom/sub life he has asked me to call him sir in the bedroom and wear the garters and such again. I do as I am asked because that comes with it. But I almost feel like a copycat, a second thought.

You are you, and she is she. Don't feel like a copycat. Besides you could do some serious roleplaying with this if you wanted. Think devil, angel dynamic...(and no I don't mean you all have to be together :))

He knows these are my worries and tries to reassure me that this is simply because it is something he likes, not because he is trying to make a carbon copy of J. I understand this but it feels wierd and I have a hard time not picturing them when he does this. I guess time will give me what I need and I will get use to doing this stuff again. After all I had it once a long time ago and lost it. It isn't her fault she does it now instead of me. I should have never let this go. I was a little upset about the sir thing since he told me he didn't like it and then a few years later got a thrill when she did it.

He is telling you one thing and you don't believe him. Why are you distrusting of what he says. I find bdsm has a groove, a mojo to itself. As you steer away from it, you loose it. I would be excited in the fact he is finding that groove again (with someone else) but bringing it back and sharing it with you. This is a positive thing, personally :)

Best of luck,

ak2381

04-21-2010, 06:22 PM

So the weekend was not a fun one. My husband and I hit a rough patch with honesty and communication. He had a hard time not lying to me. I had a hard time not sneaking around behind his back to learn the truth. So this resulted in two days of fighting and lots of hurt feelings. By the end of it I am thankfully still a married woman working through a rough time in her life.

Husband is awkward about this new phase in his life and has a hard time accepting who he is. I am doing everything I can to make it easier on him but it got to the point where he was lying again to keep from feeling uncomfortable about what he wanted to tell me. I found out about these lies and confronted him after I read his texts without him knowing. I considered my lies as bad as his so that is probably why I didn't walk out the door. I told him the next time he lied last time I would be done. But this was the next time and I lied as well so it I knew I couldn't just do that. We needed to find a way to trust each other.
I told him I was sick of being the one feeling awkward just to make him more comfortable. I was tired of taking on the hardships so he could go out and have fun. If he wanted this freedom to go out and find himself he needed to accept some of the responsibilities and get over his being uncomfortable and just tell me. I would rather be jealous and bothered for a few minutes or couple of hours than hurt and be suspicious of his behavior for weeks on end that could lead to the end of everything.
But after lots of talking and compromising we came out with more understandings. The next day he even came home with a surprise for me. He had finally after two years replaced his wedding band. His had gotten stolen a couple of years ago from beside his chair at our community pool. And he never replaced it because he always told me they were uncomfortable and he didn't want to spend the money. We had the money but there was usually one excuse after another for him not getting a new one. Alot of it had to do with the cheating that was going on that I didn't know about. That is different now.

As for today. J and I had lunch together. With her husband asking for husband and J to take a small two week break from sexual relations I am trying to keep up a good relationship with her. So I took my daughter along because she has a daughter the same age and knew she would enjoy. It also helps ease any tensions. We just kept it simple and fun at DQ. I know they miss each other but husband loves that I do this kind of thing with her. And it is nice to chat with her about things besides the poly life.

Hope all is well with everyone else.;)

ak2381

04-23-2010, 01:34 AM

Just a little frustrated tonight. We were hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend tonight. My sister was inside taking care of her baby. So the three of us were outside. Now her boyfriend is a pot smoking, constant cheating creep that I already don't like. It is a shock to see him do anything that might constitute as help with his own baby. But we deal with it because my sister wants him around so that her daughter can know her biological father. Anyway off topic.
So the three of us are on the porch hanging out and they are joking around about sex stuff. I was joking with them. Husband makes a comment about something kinky. I do tons of kinky stuff but I think this particular thing is a bit gross so I don't do it. I just made the joking comment that hey, I am not your girlfriend, that's her thing.
He looks at sister's boyfriend and says very seriously giddy "Yeah, she's a freak!" I just looked at him, like are you serious! And he knows he could have been a little more discreet, especially in front of someone like him who wouldn't understand polyamory the way it is meant to be. Just a reason to sleep around with anyone anytime.
So we go on talking. And I mention that comment bothered me and I was still thinking about it. So husband is all like "Of course you are, because that is what you do." I understand he was trying to be all guy but come on! Show a little sensitivity. Sorry, just venting. I know he didn't mean any harm and he will probably come inside later and apologize. I am just a little irritated right now. Might also have something to do with lack of sleep. My daughter is in her crazy into everything toddler stage and I am so tired from chasing her all day long to go with the cleaning, work and other errands.
Thanks for the vent. Just bothered because he gets mad if I say I am ok about something when I am not and don't open up. But when I do he makes a smart ass comment. He does the same thing when he says he wants to reassure me. One minute he is saying he wants to be there and help me through the hard points, the next he is saying I can't keep depending on him to make me feel better. So then I don't, I start trying to depend on myself, so he gets mad that I am not coming to him and leaning on him and talking to him. It is a back and forth cycle that wears me down a bit. I am sure I will be fine in the morning.
Thanks again.

MonoVCPHG

04-23-2010, 03:52 AM

Venting is so much better shared with many :) I wonder why but it certainly helps me...thanks for sharing!

ak2381

04-25-2010, 12:58 AM

I don't understand cheating. I don't understand how someone brings themselves to that point. I'm sorry for anyone I might offend. I feel like I have read so many posts lately about those who have cheated. If you really love your wife or husband as much as you say you do, even though you love this other person, why would you do this. What on earth goes through the head to make this ok. Where is the guilt and consequences. It just adds to the pain for those of us who are mono and trying to accept this. It makes it that much harder because the trust is totally stripped away and as hard as you try to trust the poly again it feels near impossible. Every text, every phone call, every time you are not together the mono has to wonder if the poly is telling the truth. If the Poly had just been honest in the first place instead of going behind the mono's back it might not have been as hard.
It feels like the mono really doesn't have a say in what happens. The poly is going to live this lifestyle, like it or not, with whoever they want and if the spouse doesn't like it tough. The poly has already cheated. It has already happened. The mono lost all say as soon as the cheating happened and the consent was taken away.

Sorry. I am a little sentimental tonight and I am very sorry to step on toes. I know there are many of you out there that have started this way. But when I found out about my husband cheating I felt like all my choices were stripped away. I know if I had said stop with J he would have. But he had already been with her. He had already been with L and P and a few others. No one ever asked for my consent. Oh wait, J did mention she liked him. But she also reassured me nothing would ever happen. Then the I love yous started. The sex text were there, the oral sex in the cars after work. And she wasn't the first. It burns. I am trying so hard to trust him again. But when he slips up and there is another lie to add to the pile now it makes it that much harder to trust him. I just wish someone would have actually given me the choice they say I so called had. I never had a chance. And now because I love my husband and don't want to hurt him and am not willing to give up on my marriage I have to accept something without warning or consideration.

Maybe I am not doing as well as I thought. Even I have off nights I guess. I am sorry again.

KT if you are reading this I know how the boat feels. No one asked me if this woman could hop on. And while I don't feel they are trying to steer it without me. I know neither can leave the boat without the other. And when J's husband tried to make that happen and I saw that pain it hurt me so much. Because I wasn't the co-captain anymore. I wasn't able to be the one to take away that pain. And that burned so much to know I didn't have that belief anymore. J and husband are still together and they are happy and relieved. I am relieved to see husband smile, but still very much hurt that it took her to bring his smile back. Not me. J and I are friends. but sometimes I want to put her on that little lifeboat that hangs on the side and tell her to watch a little bit and leave me alone.

I am sorry again. Can't say that enough.

Ariakas

04-25-2010, 01:15 AM

I agree 100%. Cheating is not poly and not healthy. Especially when the cheating is then compounded by a lie. But I do have to say i understand the rawness of wanting to. Even in my open relationship I am struck, at times by a desire to cheat. To break the rules. Last night was a prime example of a time I was feeling very weak (my little head was damn close to beating my big head)...I could have easily cheated...twice. But something in me stops me everytime. But man was it a fight...oi...

I have never cheated, and don't intend to. I have been the cheatee...3rd party cheater...not sure...I slept with a woman who was dating her gf at the time. It was a mixture of rekindling, acid and a fantastic night of walking around a small town while high...it was a very connecting moment and offered US closure...we both needed that.

But anyways, has anyone ever said you sound canadian...you sure say sorry a lot :p

You love a man who loves another women and you are handling it with poise...and intellect...I say you are doing a great job, but it will take time to rebuild trust...it is never easy :)

ak2381

04-29-2010, 09:54 PM

J's husband lifted the break time he asked of DH and J last night. He talked with her and they got through alot of issues. This has been a hard two weeks for everyone. I have had to hold my husband and comfort about the possibility of loosing a woman he loves who isn't me. And it has hurt knowing that it wasn't my arms he was wanting. It hurt to know that he was so worried about her that our sex life was being affected. This was never something I pictured happening in my life, that is for sure.
I broke down yesterday. They were suppose to reunite for the first time from their break last night. I just wanted this to happen so I could have my husband back. I missed him and I just couldn't take any more hurt. I was right when I said someone was going to come out hurting. It was me. But I can deal with that so much more than seeing either of them suffer from not being able to be with each other.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder and I think their break made them love each other more. That burns but I am accepting it. I miss being someone's one and only sometimes, I don't think I was ever really one. But it sounds like a nice idea. Very hollywood though.
J did something unbelievable for me last night. It was suppose to be her turn. It was their night and it meant alot to both of them. But she knew I was hurting and missing him. So she sent him home. She sent him home with a promise that her husband did not object to them anymore and they would be together again soon. And he came home to me, happily. And we made sweet love and he was happy and it was because he was laying in my arms.
They tricked me, lol. They told me her husband came home from work early and DH couldn't stay. But as DH and I were falling asleep he told me that her husband never got called off of work. That instead he read my text to her and our conversation throughout the day. Even though I insisted they not break their night because I just couldn't handle another day of seeing him hurt, she sent him home anyway. After them talking it all out.
I think it was their way of giving back to me after everything I have given up and sacraficed for them to be together and for my husband to live his life the way he needs to. I cried out of happiness for the first time in a long time and felt very touched. A bit guilty. But I won't let that over ride what they did for me. I do appreciate their thoughtfulness.
They are reuniting on Friday night now instead so I am sure I will be on again then. Til then my friends!

redsirenn

04-30-2010, 12:44 AM

I agree -
I haven't ever responded to your posts, mainly because I didn't really know what to say.
BUT, although I can feel the hurt through your writing, you seem to be doing this well. I do hope your husband sees how strong you are.

RS

ksandra

04-30-2010, 12:53 AM

I think you are stronger than a lot of people. I wouldn't be able to do what you are doing and I read your posts when things are rough for me because of that strength. I'm so happy your husband came home, I hope everything continues to lift from here on out.

Breathesgirl

04-30-2010, 09:28 PM

I must say: you are coming along and accepting things very well:).

There aren't many people who would be as willing and able to forgive a spouse/lover the cheating and lies while being willing to accept the one who helped the s/l cheat!

You are AWESOME in my book!

Yes, it can be a hard road but the rewards FAR out weigh the negative things.

We have hard times in mono relationships AND poly relationships the difference is that the more people there are in a relationship the more complicated it becomes. You seem to be doing absolutely wonderful! Even with the hard times you are still willing to at least try to forgive and forget! I know a few people (in the mono world, no less) who could take lessons from you on how it should be done, lol.

May your journey be as stress free as possible and may you continue on in this with as much awesomeness as you have already shown.

ak2381

05-01-2010, 01:06 AM

As I lay here, reading back over old posts I go find myself thinking about the beginning here. Maybe it is because tonight they are reuniting and I know how great they feel to be together again. I am finding myself reminicsing about how this all started. And as I think of that I think of the things I found out along the way. My mind mainly drifts to the text and emails I found. I don't think they know I found their emails. I found the one where she sent naked pictures of herself and where the ones where they were declaring how much they care about each other and how to handle me for the threesomes. I remember seeing the dates on these. They predated the day I found out about everything by about a month. Neither of them would ever admit that this had been going on longer than a few days before I found out. I always knew better though. But I remember when I found those emails and they would never admit they felt strongly for each other before that fateful week I had to let it go. Those emails happened before I found out. It happened when there were still lies. It really bothered me knowing that I had done those threesomes under false pretenses. I really believed there was nothing when I did those. They were very good at convincing me. But I forgave them for that. I brought myself to the point where anything that happened before the first week of February didn't count. My marriage was still at rock bottom and in despair. I let those lies go. I don't know why. It felt like the right thing to do.

Onto the present. They are together tonight. As for me, I had dinner with my mom, got a bubble bath and plan to pull out my book tonight and fall asleep reading. I will be ok. I am ok. This is a good thing. I don't have to worry about DH when he comes home tonight. He has his Kitten back tonight. And I have been in a good mood all day so I know that has helped.
I have already choked up a little. That is great in my book. I use to have a good cry each time. It was needed. Nothing horrifying or in need of someone holding me. Just a good cry. Now I just choke up a little and I am able to get through the night. That is improvement, right?

DH is hinting at another threesome with J. Another night of the three of us. I know it helps and I don't object to it. But I just can't until they have the appropriate time together first. At least a couple of nights, maybe even a third. I don't really want to witness them re-connecting. A normal night is hard enough. I can't watch a reunion. I will feel like an intruder. Giving them time together to get the I missed you's and I am so glad to have you in my arms again's out of the way. That way I won't feel like a third wheel.

I am still smiling tonight. I have had a good day. J and I chatted alot today. DH was in a good mood when I talked to him earlier. I know I am not done with bad days. I don't think you get over them in a matter of weeks or months. But it does get a little easier, right? You find your pattern or groove.

I got a small flirtatious comment at the gym tonight. It felt good. I know DH isn't ready for me to take the steps into polyamory. Neither am I. But to think someone said something nice to me on a night where I am so lonely felt great. It was very quickly in passing. Over as soon as it began and I will never see the guy again and probably wouldn't recognize hiim if I did. But it felt nice. And I always feel my best and most confident at the gym anyway so that helped.;)

That's all at the moment. I am sure I will post again soon.

idealist

05-01-2010, 03:23 AM

I got a small flirtatious comment at the gym tonight. It felt good. I know DH isn't ready for me to take the steps into polyamory. Neither am I. But to think someone said something nice to me on a night where I am so lonely felt great. It was very quickly in passing. Over as soon as it began and I will never see the guy again and probably wouldn't recognize hiim if I did. But it felt nice. And I always feel my best and most confident at the gym anyway so that helped.;)

Thanks for all of your sharing. My heart goes out to you!! I am the secondary to Charles and Holland is his primary partner. She has struggled with my relationship with Charles. One night, we went out dancing and met a couple (through another friend). Holland was attracted to the guy in the couple and began to flirt and dance with him. He flirted back and they had a great time. That was the first night that she was comfortable seeing Charles and I dance together, flirt and kiss each other in front of her. I'm not suggesting that you go out and get a lover, but I'm just saying that I saw it was a lot easier for Holland to accept our physical connection when she could flirt around and have a physical connnection with a guy she was attracted to.

For me, it's one of the benefits of the poly lifestyle..... everyone has the option of participating in having "many loves"!!! Yeah!!! :D

KatTails

05-01-2010, 04:49 AM

Onto the present. They are together tonight. As for me, I had dinner with my mom, got a bubble bath and plan to pull out my book tonight and fall asleep reading. I will be ok. I am ok. This is a good thing. I don't have to worry about DH when he comes home tonight. He has his Kitten back tonight. And I have been in a good mood all day so I know that has helped. I have already choked up a little. That is great in my book. I use to have a good cry each time. It was needed. Nothing horrifying or in need of someone holding me. Just a good cry. Now I just choke up a little and I am able to get through the night. That is improvement, right?

I am still smiling tonight. I have had a good day. J and I chatted alot today. DH was in a good mood when I talked to him earlier. I know I am not done with bad days. I don't think you get over them in a matter of weeks or months. But it does get a little easier, right? You find your pattern or groove.

I got a small flirtatious comment at the gym tonight. It felt good. I know DH isn't ready for me to take the steps into polyamory. Neither am I. But to think someone said something nice to me on a night where I am so lonely felt great. It was very quickly in passing. Over as soon as it began and I will never see the guy again and probably wouldn't recognize hiim if I did. But it felt nice. And I always feel my best and most confident at the gym anyway so that helped.;)

ak - you are an amazing woman! Knowing your story and the things you have gone through - and hearing how you sound tonight is awesome! You and I have very similar stories (minus the cheating) and it helps me more than you know to hear that it is possible to get to a good place. Do you still struggle? Yes. Do you let it destroy you? No. The way that you are able to reach out to J and really be friends is motivational. It does help that you were friends prior to this - but the strength you have shown by forgiving her and trusting her again is amazing!

As far as getting a flirtatious comment tonight at the gym - woooohoooo! I bet that felt great! I can't remember the last time I had anyone, other than my DH give me a flirtatious comment. I'm sure that put a little spring in your step tonight and helped you feel confident while he is out with her.

MG and DH went out for the day - and I was ok. A little jealous - because him and I don't get that quality alone time that they get. When we are together we always have the kids with us. We don't get 5-6 hours of time alone to go out and do things together. Alot of our conversations are done via texts. So yes, I do get jealous about that. But I'm trying not to....

Enjoy your husband when he comes home to you! ;)

captainyossarian

05-02-2010, 01:26 PM

I admire your fortitude but struggle to imagine being conscious of the moment my spouse is having sex with someone that's not me.

Last night my wife said that having seen the effect her desire to continue to have sexual relationships with other guys is having on me (basically I'm consumed with guilt, jealousy, passion, I'm drinking too much, can't concentrate at work, irritable with the kids... shall I go on?), that she's prepared to abandon the idea.

But I'm not convinced that's what I want, as I will constantly be suspicious of whether she's actually cheating on me again.

So, do I want to give her the opportunity to live out her desires? Can we chart a more neutral course and try swinging together? Or do I take her word for it and try to rebuild my trust in her?

Lots of questions, few answers. I've started a blog to help me express what I'm feeling and review how my sentiments evolve. http://upsidealreves.blogspot.com/

ak2381

05-03-2010, 01:45 PM

With all the talking about compersion lately I sat down to some serious self evaluation this weekend. Originally, when DH and I started with this poly lifestyle about three months ago I put out a bunch of rules so that I could feel safe and secure. I mentioned this on a previous blog how I asked that he give me a couple days notice before he goes over to J's so that I can make sure I am in a good place. Through much thinking and consideration as to how I am doing with accepting all of this I decided yesterday it was time to get rid of that rule. They can't always do that. Sometimes they need some unexpected time together. And I feel I am ready to make the next step in all of this of not needing so much time before hand to be ready for them to be together. Sometimes you can't predict when you need someone and all the parties involved need to work together to make sure all the needs are met.

Go Me! I know that I am getting somewhere. I am not ready to lift all the requrements I have asked for right now. I still need my nights afterwards, but I think I am getting better there. But knowing that I don't need quite an extended period of time to prepare shows that I am moving forward with all of this. I hope to be comfortable enough to lift more in the next couple of weeks. But I realized this weekend I can't just keep these rules in place permanently. There needs to be room for growth, otherwise we are just standing still and no one is learning anything and that will eventually lead to a rut and misery. I hope I am on the right track to compersion here. I simply told him and her if there comes a night where they need or want to be together I will be fine with it. Just let me know he is headed over there so I don't worry when he doesn't show up at home and I have no idea where he is at.

J and I have done alot of talking this weekend. I won't get into major detail but I want MG and KT to know that even we have our off times. We still have our struggles. And we still have our miscommunications. We took a few steps back, gave each other some space and by the next day we were fine again. I guess it is all a matter of putting that girly way of cattiness as you two call it aside and try to approach it with an open mind and try to see through each other's eyes. I hope I did that well myself.

I learned that I am asking them to listen to my wants and needs. Really listen. But I am not hearing them when they say I am loved and cared about and wanted and enough. I don't hear that my husband isn't going anywhere. I brush what they are saying aside and continue to sit in the electric chair and wait to be shocked to death.

I have another analogy for you all. I drove through a major rain storm this weekend with my tipsy husband in the passenger seat and my baby girl in the back asleep. It was around midnight and I started using this toward my life.
It's hard. The rain got so bad at times I couldn't see. But I had a family to take care of and they were counting on me to get them home safely. A couple of times I had to pull over and take a moment to adjust my eyes. One time I even managed to accidently get off an exit without meaning to. But I got home. I made it.
This I put to this journey I am going through with my husband. The pain gets hard enough that I can't see straight. So I have to stop, I have to regain self control and readjust how I am looking at things with this poly life. I have a daughter that needs me to keep control and a husband that still depends on me to be there for him. Its about getting safely home. Its about reaching that goal with a smile on your face and everyone calm and together. I have gotten off on an exit without meaning to. I have tried to give up. But I made that U turn and got right back on and kept going without looking back. I didn't give up on the road and I am not giving up here. Driving through that made me feel so strong as a person. And I am a strong person. And I am going to be ok. And so is my family.

Thank you again everyone.

Ariakas

05-03-2010, 02:57 PM

AK, just want to acknowledge the excellent work you are putting into this. Fantastic the steps you have gone through :)

Congratulations

KatTails

05-03-2010, 02:59 PM

ak - your post literally gave me goosebumps!! I said it before - you are an amazing woman!! Knowing how you were a month ago - and seeing where you are now is incredibly inspiring and motivating!!! You have had to overcome and accept so much and yet you stay strong and positive. I have so much respect for you! I hope I can get to where you are - and soon. DH and MG were together last night after work - and I couldn't stop crying. I kept picturing them together and it made me crazy. I hate that! I don't want to feel like this. I LOVE your analogy of driving in the rain - it's so true! THAT is what I need to keep remembering - I AM loved, I AM needed, I AM wanted! In this situation - it's not always easy to remember!

Thank you for sharing your story!:)

Kat

MonoVCPHG

05-03-2010, 03:19 PM

This is quite the experience to share Ak2381. Thanks for your openess and making yourself vulnerable so others in the same situation can know they are not alone.

This is what the forum is for me..a safe place to grow buy simply sharing.. and clearly others feel that as well :)

Petal

05-03-2010, 05:02 PM

.
So he does what I ask and brings home some of the excitement of BDSM and the whole dom lifestyle. We are purely in bedroom with that stuff. I know some make it a full lifestyle but outside the bedroom we don't so we can show our daughter that we are equals and I am not less than he is.
Through bringing home the dom/sub life he has asked me to call him sir in the bedroom and wear the garters and such again. I do as I am asked because that comes with it. But I almost feel like a copycat, a second thought.

Being in a poly family that my partner desires is something I've struggled with for years to a point that it has torn us apart, but are finally getting to where we should have been so I can't comment on most things regarding those aspects. However, I was basically raised surrounded by D/s and that is a lifestyle I've lived everyday of my life. So this I can speak on!

I think this is the thing that bothers me most about D/s being misunderstood. Of course there are so many people just dabling in BDSM and calling themselves Masters while they hardly know how to control themselves little long others that I can understand why society has this misunderstanding. Never think that just because you call him Sir or are the sub in the relationship that that makes you any less of a person and if ever your kids do catch wind of that part of your life it wouldn't be a bad thing to explain that to them. Just because you're submissive doesn't make you a doormat. Actually it makes you stronger than most because there is nothing harder in this world than to submit regardless of what it is your submitting to. I've seen the best of the best and the worst of the worst in all my years and I promise that even the best Masters would say to anyone other than his sub that really it's the sub who controls everything because if she didn't submit then he couldn't Dom her. ;)

The other thing I wanted to comment on is that you shouldn't consider yourself a copycat. You should consider yourself the trend setter. After all you said he first got into that with you, but it fizzled down until after she entered the picture. So that leads me to think you gave him the interest, but he wasn't ready yet. Perhaps he didn't feel adequate at taking on such a role with you back then, but now that he has had a little more trial and error time with her he feels more capable to do so with you.

ak2381

05-04-2010, 01:12 AM

More developments today folks.
J and I are working towards more progress. I am trying to understand some things about her. I have a couple of questions in my mind I need to remember to ask her tomorrow.
I have been rereading my posts since this whole thing has started. Wow did I have alot of anger when this first started. I didn't know which way to turn and it was so easy to blame everything in the world. I don't hate these people anymore. Well maybe L. I never like her. Never will. But the rest, not so much.
DH and J are having some problems tonight. I have decided to take care of the house and my daughter so they can have some time to work out their issues. And you know what? I am doing great. I am not happy that they are having an off night. But I feel good because I am doing this for them. LovingRadiance once said that a good way to feel better when you are having trouble is do something for someone else. Do something for the OSO. And I am trying to do that. And I do feel great.
DH asked me a few minutes ago what he could do to make her feel more loved. I know that was awkward but he really wanted a woman's point of view. I thought for a few minutes and came up with an idea. Now I am not going to say this now. But I will say we discussed it, laid out what we both knew about her and he was very happy that I was openly helping him with this. He wanted her to know that she was more than just a sex buddy. So I told him what we females like.
It felt wonderful to come up with a way to make my friend smile. I also have another confession to make. The other day I told J how I really felt about her. How far I have come. I told her she was like my sister now. I loved her and depended on her more than some of my own siblings.
I am feeling a real high the last couple of days by the progress I have made. I know I have had some real rough patches. But this whole compersion thing has been a good concept for me to grasp. I had never really heard about it and it feels like it is a small goal I can work on while I wait to really be ok with everything again.
I felt myself slipping a little today. I started getting scared again. But I remembered the advice I had been given. I remembered the smile on my husband's face when I was able to do things for the both of them and open my mind and let everyone feel free and relaxed. And that helped. Images of them being together threatened at the tip of my imagination. I pushed it out with ideas of my next lunch with J. Our next night of the three of us. My next date with DH. Wow, positive images are just as powerful, did you know that?

I want J to know, in case she reads this, her place is right here. She needs to stand beside her husband and beside my husband and me. She is an equal in my book. She wasn't before. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to scream and feel anger. And I did. But that was in the beginning. And people change. I have changed. She gave my DH and me a song to listen to today. I want to place the chorus lyrics on here. It is beautiful.

ive changed over time
and grew stronger in life
wont give up what is mine
but sometimes even angels fall down
ive done all this right
and ive won all these fights
i grew stronger in life
but sometimes we break down n fall apart

It's all very true. She is apart of this relationship that is mine now. I am sorry if this is sappy and a bit cheesy. But I feel really good tonight. Because I was able to help come up with a way to make her feel loved and wanted. Just as she has done for me. I have won fights, with both of them by my side. I fall down sometimes and say things out of hurt and anger. And I have no doubt I am not finished doing so. I will still have my rain storms and will still need to pull over to the side of the road. But as long as I have my family and my friends, her being a very strong part of that, I will get back up.

And J, if you ever read this. I am not just saying this because of that. I told you, I don't edit my blogs, I let my fingers do the talking. They are more honest where the mouth can be prone to let a lie slip out, even mine has been guilty of that.

redpepper

05-04-2010, 07:07 AM

She is apart of this relationship that is mine now....... I feel really good tonight. Because I was able to help come up with a way to make her feel loved and wanted.

This is awesome, as was your last post! I'm so happy for you. things are coming around and you are getting what compersion does! Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was more of it in the world?

I'm so happy for you, you should feel mighty proud.

Morningglory629

05-04-2010, 07:39 AM

DH and J are having some problems tonight. I have decided to take care of the house and my daughter so they can have some time to work out their issues. And you know what? I am doing great. I am not happy that they are having an off night. But I feel good because I am doing this for them. LovingRadiance once said that a good way to feel better when you are having trouble is do something for someone else. Do something for the OSO. And I am trying to do that. And I do feel great.
DH asked me a few minutes ago what he could do to make her feel more loved. I know that was awkward but he really wanted a woman's point of view. I thought for a few minutes and came up with an idea. Now I am not going to say this now. But I will say we discussed it, laid out what we both knew about her and he was very happy that I was openly helping him with this. He wanted her to know that she was more than just a sex buddy. So I told him what we females like.
It felt wonderful to come up with a way to make my friend smile. I also have another confession to make. The other day I told J how I really felt about her. How far I have come. I told her she was like my sister now. I loved her and depended on her more than some of my own siblings.

This made me smile AND cry! You are a really special person. Your DH and J are very blessed. But so am I for having the opportunity to read through your posts. Thank you for your courage in blogging the evolution of your relationships.:)

ak2381

05-05-2010, 08:29 PM

I was discussing with J today the "rule" that I had lifted this past weekend about giving me a good advance notice before DH goes over. She was trying to stick with that rule anyways and as I was explaining things to her I realized something.
I realized why I needed that rule in the first place. I realized how I had been feeling this week without that rule. And I smiled and felt happy about being able to dig that deep into how I felt about this one small part of the situation.
I needed that rule in the beginning because without it I was a nervous wreck. What if I needed him that night? What if I wasn't able to handle it? I would sit with a jumble of nerves waiting to see if he would suddenly disappear on me. It was a fear of him leaving and not coming back. Not wanting to be with me all of a sudden. Would I have plans ready to keep myself occupied and busy.
Then the day came when I realized I was ready to step outside of that shell. This week I have not been like that. I have been great. And there has been no mentioned plans of when they will be together, although I know that there is usually plans to meet at least once a week at her place. And when it happens I will be fine as well. If I need him I can call him before he goes over and he will be there for me. And so will she. I don't need to worry in advance. I can take those nights and pop in a movie that he hates. I feel ready for this step and I like that. I know I am ready to not be selfish about needing him because of course he will come home to me. And it isn't that he doesn't want to be with me, or prefer her. It's that, this is how it worked out this week. And I am ok with that.
When she tried to keep the rule I had to let her know why I couldn't put that back in place. I know she had my interest at heart. But I need to keep that rule at way. I need to keep progressing. If I am not then I will slip back into the numbness and insecurities that I am finally conquering and start becoming scared again. I just don't even want to bear the thought of living through more of that.
I am so tired of the stress and hurt and worrying about what he thinks of me. I want to continue knowing that he loves me and has no doubt in his mind that I am his soul mate. My relationships with both of them are growing. I wanted to try taking away one of the rules. This was an easy one to handle right now. And I am doing great with it.
They both tell me they are willing to do whatever I need for me to be comfortable and at ease so I know that they are hesitant with me doing something even this small to help myself move forward. I know no one is forcing me to change the rules. But they need to change. And I know that despite me telling them I need their input, they will change when I say so and I appreciate their patience and understanding with me. But I also know I feel better about certain things lately. I am happy because I am starting to grow as a person. I am slowly beginning to trust my husband again. It has been very hard to do that. Harder than almost everything. I think the only thing harder is accepting they love each other. And I am doing better there I know that. I can actually say it out loud now. But I am also becoming closer to her, and most importantly him.
The pain is still very much there. But it is starting to subside a little. Each week it gets a little easier. I go longer without meltdowns now. If I don't keep pushing myself all I will ever feel is how hard this is. I can't live my life like that. I need to be happy again. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to smile. And I have done that this week. I have actively held my husband and helped him with advice in his relationship with her if he has asked for it. I think it is because he is trying to include me and is talking to me that helps.

I also realized something else. I know why I feel so insecure and inadequate about them being together sometimes, especially with how intense they get. I realized it comes from all the years of cheating. From before she was apart of this. When DH and I had everything out he admitted that during that time in our marriage part of the reason was indeed because he was bored and needed excitement in the bedroom again. And went about it the wrong way. That wasn't all his fault. I got to the point during those years that I didn't care. Sex became a chore and just another part of the day. It had lost all spark for both us. We just handled it differently. Granted his hurt alot more than anything I did. I just got new hobbies like exercise and focusing on my diet and house. But that is why we talk now. And why I am trying to rebuild my trust in him. And why I get insecure and feel like the boring house wife. I just have to keep reminding myself that we are coming away from that rough patch and rebuilding what should have been there all along.

LovingRadiance

05-06-2010, 01:55 AM

What an excellent post ak! Beautiful!
Very impressed with your self-introspection.

GREAT job!

ak2381

05-08-2010, 06:25 AM

Tonight was suppose to be wonderful. But I pushed too hard. I hurt so many people I care about. And I fear I have lost everything. Compersion can't fix everything and sometimes it just doesn't matter at all when u are using it and it works and yet people still get hurt.
To dh and j, I'm sorry I hurt you. I was great watching u two need each other. Right now I hope someday I can forgive myself. I know they probably don't Even blame me. But I know how pushy I was for us to have tonite so we could all have some time together. Now there are people on couches, not beds. I'm sorry.
I have lost a friend, maybe a husband's respect, my confidence, my beliefs that everyone would be ok. I fear I have lost this fight.
Goodnight.

MonoVCPHG

05-08-2010, 06:56 AM

Nothing has to be lost.

michelleandray

05-08-2010, 11:10 AM

AK...I know I told you I wouldn't post, but this last one scares me. You didn't push for last night, it was something we all wanted. You haven't hurt anyone...that one is all on me.

You haven't lost a friend...it you still want me around that is. And I am positive that the only one who lost any of your dh's respect last night was me.

Please don't blame yourself for something I did.

J

ak2381

05-08-2010, 11:48 AM

I think I'm going to throw up. Not handling things too well. Last nite was too soon, why did I insist just because of the progress I have made this week. No matter what I say no one will believe I am ok with the comforting. I wouldn't have been ok without it. I only wish the couch had been big enough for me to help comfort J.
Things were tense in the beginning as it was but I didn't listen. I wanted to show how good I was with everything. Play with some toys. Dh was upset with me for it later. We had all talked about it first but I guess things weren't as relaxed aas I had hoped. I just can't take this hurting. I've finally reached breaking point. I'm sorry for the readers who had hope through this. My success story has fallen. I hurt two marriages last nite. I am signing off now before I get worse.

redpepper

05-08-2010, 04:15 PM

My goodness, what happened? I am imaging what happened, but as it is with imaging, its rarely the story.

*hugs* I'm so sorry that you are hurting :(

Breathesgirl

05-08-2010, 04:19 PM

We all make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them and move on, improving what we messed up.

Step back, breathe, talk to the others involved, learn from the mistakes made, and go forward.

You will pull through this if you give yourself the time to do so.

I have seen many, MANY times where people say to only go as fast as the slowest member of the relationship. To me this means to only go as fast as you, and everyone else in the relationship, is comfortable going. Expect to make mistakes, we all make them.

KatTails

05-08-2010, 05:18 PM

J - I think it is great that you are reaching out to ak - I think it's good for both of you to support each other. I know how much your friendship means to ak!

Hang in there - things will get better!

michelleandray

05-08-2010, 05:42 PM

KT - Please don't misunderstand...this is not the first time that I have reached out to AK, and it won't be the last - and she, hopefully ;), is well aware of that. I have been intentionally not posting on here, despite reading her posts because I felt this was her space to be free to talk without feeling like she was going to have to argue her point of view. She knew I was reading the posts, but she also knew that I saw this as her "space" to vent or scream or anything else that she needed to do when she didn't feel comfortable doing that with either her DH or me.

But thank you for the positive thoughts.

KatTails

05-08-2010, 07:27 PM

J - no misunderstanding at all. I was aware that you were on here but not posting out of respect for ak. You're right this is a place where she should be able to come to vent and seek help without worrying about defending her words. She needs that as it is helping her through this. I'm not sure if you are aware of my situation -- but it is very similar to ak's. Her and I think and feel the same about a lot of this. My husband and his GF are on here now and I do feel as though I have lost my freedom to say what I need to say in the way I need to say it, because I am sensitive to their feelings and because my words have been criticized and used against me. Ak has told me and I have seen from her posts that you are both reaching out to the other and recognizing each others feelings and needs. I know that you meet for lunch or coffee, that you text each other - I think it is wonderful that you two are able to do this. This is where my husbands GF and I occaisonally struggle. Whatever happened last night - I am hoping for everyones sake - that it can be worked out. As you know - ak has come a long way on her journey to compersion. I hope this is just a bump in the road - but I don't know the details and severity of what happened last night. But the fact that you are both taking responsibility is a good sign. Knowing how much ak loves her husband and values your friendship - I know you guys will be able to fix this and move on.

I'll be thinking about you both!

Kat

LovingRadiance

05-08-2010, 07:48 PM

Ak-

the hardest thing to do when we push ourselves to hard, too fast, is to forgive OURSELF.

Generally speaking-once we forgive ourself we find that everyone else ALREADY FORGAVE US!

The rest of us can only imagine what is hurting you so much in this moment.
But having experienced moments of our own-we have a LOT of potential ideas. Our moments were painful too.

Valentine's Day was one for me. Maca bought me a beautiful ring. He bought a card and then asked GG if he wanted to write in it too.
THEY gave me the V-day gifts. I was moved to tears. The card was so sweet! The words they wrote in it touched my heart.
Maca and I went down to our room later and he made a comment about the ring (it has 4 or 5 hearts on it). He said something to the effect of "did you see that? Guess GG and I need to get a girlfriend."

That comment led me to believe the ring was from THEM. All hell broke loose when his attitude reverted and after talking to a mutual friend I found out that he EXPLICITLY did NOT want the ring to be from THEM, but only from HIM.
But HE was the one that set it up to look like it was from THEM-not I, not GG.
I was FURIOUS.

Sounds pretty minor written out at this moment-but that ring still sits in a drawer of his dresser. Because I returned it with the statement, "I'd rather have nothing at all, then a gift you weren't really ready to give. I don't want to be given gifts that are going to be taken back."

Suffice it to say he was ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. He couldn't see how we'd ever get past that much less through all the rest of the work needed to make a functional, healthy, happy, poly relationship.
But here we are in May-and that fight is over. We've made it through a number of other learning lessons-we've all made our mistakes, broken each others hearts,

AND YET_we are ALL stronger for it and our relationship as a whole is stronger for it too.

Don't give up because you took a step too soon. Just step back, take a deep breath and see what you can make from these lemons-a bit of sugar and ice and you may find it's the perfect time of year for a great pitcher of kick ass lemonade.

KatTails

05-08-2010, 07:59 PM

LR - you never fail to amaze and inspire me with your words! I wish I was able to view and verbalize things with the clarity, honesty, inspration, understanding and empathy that you do. You are amazing!

I learn something new from you everyday!

Thank you for that!

Ak - she's right - you are loved and you need to forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness and move on!

Kat

LovingRadiance

05-08-2010, 08:07 PM

Thank you Kat.
You won't be so amazed after reading a few of the books I've suggested! ;)
You'll find that much of what I say is simply something someone else learned and I read-understood and put into practice.

The hardest part is PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE.
But it's also the most exhilarating!
Well worth the effort. ;)

KatTails

05-09-2010, 03:39 PM

LR - I am going to try to buy or order some of those books today. I hope they make me as wise and inspirational as you are!

Ak - please update your post and let us know how you are doing! I am worried about you. I PM'd with J a little last night and she respects you so much for doing what you are doing and she does not hold you responsible for whatever happened. I hope that the three of you have been able to talk and work things out. Whatever happened - it isn't the end of the world - you will come out of this stronger! PLEASE post or PM me!

Kat

redpepper

05-09-2010, 06:15 PM

Good for you KT! Nerdist went through a similar process to get to where he is today. Which is why, if you have read roly's thread (getting into a relationship with a married person?), I am adjusting to my new position in his life.

Finding your independence will allow you to decide if you want to stay in this or not. Its the first step in my opinion. Something that I mentioned when you first came on here. I'm glad that you are recognising that that course of action might be a way out of what you are feeling now and on to a better future path. One that feels more comfortable.

Hope it is the beginning of change for you. :) thanks for sharing your journey. You are very brave in making yourself that vulnerable. I respect that.

rolypoly

05-09-2010, 06:43 PM

KT, I don't really know what to say other than I hope you find inner strength and happiness in all of this.

RP, I really feel for what you're going through. I am working hard at owning my part and not feeling guilty. I would like to encourage and nurture whatever new connections form between you and Nerdist and between me and Nerdist. I have a lot of respect for both how this might be scary for you - and how well you are handling the sparks flying between Nerdist and me. You have good taste. ;)

LR, I love that you read self help books. LOL!

ak2381

05-09-2010, 09:40 PM

Hey there everyone. Sorry to make you worry. If you are willing to bear with me this will be a long post full of explanations and updates.

The week has been good. I had so many break throughs as you all well know. I am still very strong in those findings. Nothing has changed there. We were doing so well that we thought the three of us should get together on Friday night for one of our meet ups.
To start Friday during the day there were tensions between J and DH. But that is none of my business. I don't know what that was about. I just always tell them that before the three of us have one of our nights where we hang out and cuddle everyone, including them needs to be on good terms to take away from the awkwardness that we are still working on, though it is no where near as awkward as what it use to be.
DH and I had a couple of arguments ourselve before we got there. So basically no one was on very good terms with each other. DH and I had made up but things were still a little tense. He wanted to cancel. I was desparate not to because these nights make me feel included somehow. I have so much trouble feeling like the boring wife still at home while his nights with J are so intense and exciting. But when the three of us are together on our nights I feel like I am accepted by both of them and there is a spot for me in this somewhere. I like feeling exciting and included and not left out.
So I insisted we not cancel, even though I was nervous. I knew if I could just get there and the three of us could relax then the tensions would all die down and everything would be fine.
So we get there and go to her room. We are cuddling and trying to have some fun in the bedroom for a couple of hours. When all of a sudden J gets a text from her husband. He was suppose to be on a camping trip with his scout troup. But apparently he had come home to get something. He was expecting our truck to be there. He knew we were coming over. But we drove our car to save on gas. He thought we weren't there and came in the house. Only to hear us all up in the bedroom, get jealous and leave. He text J that he was there and basically he was jealous and had a problem with it.
He knew we were coming and the purpose we were coming. But the text put the three of us in a frenzy, adding to the tensions and anxieties that were already there.
I was having trouble relaxing before that point because I was reading how distant J and DH were coming across with each other and I felt awkward from the arguments I had had with DH a few hours before.
After the text came we all put on our shoes and sat out on the porch watching the lightening while J made desparate attempts to reach her husband. Trying to figure out what happened and why he was so hurt. By the end of all of this DH and I had to go home with no success of fixing J and her husband. J later text DH that she had to call it quits with him. She couldn't keep hurting her husband. They had tried to talk things out and work through their problems and they thought it had worked. The text proved he really couldn't handle it.
DH was in a huff the rest of the night. He was very cold and distant with me. H made abrupt comments and wanted nothing to do with me. It felt like he blamed me for not listening and insisting on going over in the beginning when he wanted to cancel. He was hurt from suddenly losing J and trying to understand her husband's point of view. He was very twisted with emotions.
J was upset from losing DH, hurting her husband and feeling like she would need to live a double standard life where her husband would be poly and she wouldn't, despite how she felt.
I felt responsible for the whole thing because I agreed that if I had just listened to people in the first place and not insisted on ignoring the tensions and not cancelling we could have avoided the awkwardness that was there the whole time anyway which made the situation with J's husband even worse. For me I don't like to hurt people and I was apart of seeing J's marriage fall apart, or so what we thought was it falling apart. I was beating myself up and crashing from knowing I had hurt someone so much. I can't stand hurting people. That is why I am able to be the mono. I can take the hurt myself. I can deal with that. But I was watching J and DH crumble in pain and J's husband and I couldn't take it away and if I had just not been selfish about trying to feel included then none of this would have ever happend.
DH sent up walls all over the place - from me, from J. He wasn't letting anyone in. He had been hurt by this just a couple of weeks before when he thought he was going to loose her. It became easier for him to believe he didn't care even though he was in tears. He told me he expected I would be better off without him as well and it was only a matter of time but not to worry. He would get over it. He didn't need anyone sticking around for him. That sent up walls for me that he was planning on leaving himself.

The story continued Saturday. J and I texted all day. By the end she was begging for us to come back over. She had been talking to her husband. Even drove out to the scout camp to work things out. It took some convincing. DH didn't want to go. He just wanted to forget the pain and go out and work in the yard for hours. But I was hurting too. J was doing very well and that I found surprising. But we went. We all talked. DH text her husband a little bit. There were apologies and explanations. Her husband didn't want this to end. He felt like there had been things not explained to him.
J talked to DH about not ending things after all. We spent the rest of the night cuddling and talking things out some more and trying to make each other feel better. J and I are doing fine. I am still very worried about DH though. Some walls are down but there are plenty still up. He is bracing for the next down fall. Waiting for the next time J or her husband get upset. Waiting for J to tell him that things have ended or that she is unhappy with him. He is blocking the dramatics from all of us, not just them in his head. I feel for him because I know his heart has been sent on a rollercoaster the past couple of weeks. I know he just needs to be shown over time that no one is going to freak out on him again and I think everyone just relaxing around him is the only way to do it. Slowly he might start trusting the people around him again.
I just feel bad because I tried to be there for him and all he saw was me leaving him. If I was going to leave, I have had plenty of reasons and opportunities before now to do so. But I am here for the long haul. He knows that J needs to take care of her marriage first and I know he wasn't trying to take it out on me. I was an easy target for his hurt. And after a few days he would have been better with J and seen more clearly that this was to save her marriage.
No one is getting divorced today. I know I jumped a gun here. But that night was horrible. There were tears and hurt and angry husbands. I thought J and I would not be able to continue being friends. I thought her husband was hurt by something I insisted on happening. I thought my husband hated me for not letting him cancel and being a loud mouth in the bedroom. It was my voice he heard through the door. He thought it was J's and that she was having more fun and being happier with us than with him. But it was me he was hearing. And that upset him. I felt mortified knowing that. I slept maybe an hour Friday night. Cried all day Saturday. Am feeling better today but on edge with DH. It is hard to see him like this. He is still hurt and stand offish. I just hope that between J and I we can show him how much he is loved and cared about and know that if he can be patient and give us time he will be comfortable again.
When they were holding each other on Friday night trying to reach her husband I was fine. I really was. This was huge for J and he was desparately trying to comfort her and I only wish there had been room on the outside porch chair for me as well. But since there was only room for two the right people were on that bench. I was great with that. I was great with their cuddling on Saturday. They needed to show each other that things were good again. At least that she was trying to show him. He will need some time of seeing that. He is just guarded so that he doesn't crash again.

I am sorry for the worries and concerns. This has been a very trying weekend. Time will hopefully be on our side as we continue to work through the insecurities and understandings. For now I am still here. J is still reading and is welcome to post any time. She knows that. DH will probably never be on here. It's not his thing. Thank you for all of your posts and support.
I am very worried about all of them, even her husband. I just hope we will continue to be well. Thank you again.

KatTails

05-10-2010, 03:06 AM

Glad to see you came back!

I'm sorry to hear everything you all have been going through this weekend! Give it time - things will work themself out! If your husband is anything like mine - he'll get angry, moody, quiet, then a few days later he'll be fine. Men normally need some time to work it out mentally. For us women, we get angry, cry, pout, cry, pout some more, eat, cry, pout, eat, cry, shop - then we're ok.;)

Hang in there sweetie - this was just a bump in the road.

Call or PM me if you need to!

Kat

ak2381

05-11-2010, 08:27 PM

Hey everyone,
So this is the night this week that DH is going over to J's. I don't know if he will be going over another night. J's husband has asked that there be no more than two nights a week. Which has never been a problem.
I am off to a church dinner tonight. And since I am the cook I will be plenty busy. I haven't cried or teared up. I have hesitated at many points during the day trying not to concentrate on it. It is still very nerve wracking. I don't know if that will ever go away.
I am really curious how things will go since this past weekend after everything blew up and got out of control. DH and I had a great night last night. We had a very intimate sexual night that definitely kept a smile on my face today. Hopefully we will have the same tomorrow night.
My daughter also has a bit of a congestion problem tonight. Not that I am glad but it is also another distraction. I will be busy making sure she doesn't get a fever. So between that and church I should be plenty busy.
These are the harder nights although they aren't as hard as what they use to be. I haven't cringed yet tonight. I haven't even choked up like I did last week. I am just trying not to linger on it. I am in a very good mood actually. Just doing what I can to stay there and putting all my efforts into controlling my imagination and the bad things it can do.
If I can keep my thoughts in check then when he gets home tonight we can have a successful gush time. I can have a good gush time with her tomorrow as well. Those have become important to me just as much as his.
I am typing this now instead of later when he is actually there. I don't know if I will be on later this time. I have lined up a busy night for myself. But if I am then I will talk to you all then!

ak2381

05-12-2010, 01:24 AM

Look at this, I made it back on tonight. Maybe it is from the stress of the past weekend but I am waivering a little tonight. But I just keep reminding myself he does love me. He is coming home to me. I am enough. There is nothing wrong with me. He hasn't lied to me or hidden tonight from me. He and J have been nothing but open with me. I wanted to just chat with him in general tonight by text before he went over. But he was busy and I never got more than a couple of words out of him. I was missing him alot today. It feels sometimes that my time with him gets shorter and shorter. He has now picked up a kickboxing class to deal with his stress. I am totally supportive of this. Gets his hormones going a little bit actually. :p
I found the choking up moment on my way home from the church dinner. I was so busy in the kitchen I wasn't able to focus on it that much. Which was really what I needed. The mental images are threatening to push themselves to the front of my mind and I am fighting them off very hard tonight. The days will pass again. And I will get stronger again. It just scares me sometimes how much he really does care about her and whenever something like this past weekend happens it is clearly brought to the surface. But I am still strong. I am still happy with him and I am still happy with J. I just still have my hard nights. Not every night they are together will be easy. But I will make it through this night. I might not make it with a couple of tears. But when he comes home he will hold me. And then we will drift off to sleep together.
I can do this.

Mohegan

05-12-2010, 02:38 AM

I am so sorry you are hurting, you have been such a great support for me this weekend, I didn't really stop and think about how hard that may be for you. You most definitaly can do this, you already are. Hang in there.

KatTails

05-12-2010, 12:02 PM

{{{{hugs}}}} to you ak!

Knowing that 2rings is coming home to me, getting into bed with me, holding me, falling asleep with me and waking up with me in the morning is also what helps me get through those hard times when he is out having a great time with MG. Both of our husbands know that their home is with us. :)

Glad you made it through!

Kat

ak2381

05-12-2010, 02:20 PM

I'm getting worried about J. She has been quiet today. I hope she is doing ok. I think she might be getting annoyed with me checking up on her and not believing she is fine. But I have learned to read her rather well and I know something is wrong. I don't know what or with who. I stepped back to give her some space this morning. She had a night with DH last night so I worry this is from a strain in her marriage and will probably get annoyed even more about this post. But I am really worried. Just trying to be there for her...if she will let me.:confused:

KatTails

05-13-2010, 01:17 AM

ak - I know you are worried about her, but maybe she just needs some time to be alone and to work through her problems/thoughts/worries/feelings by herself, before sharing them with you or your DH. This whole thing that happened last weekend was probably just too much stress for her to deal with and her and her DH may be working through some issues related to that. You have reached out to her today, and that is really all you can do right now. I am sure that she knows she can come to you anytime she is ready to talk. When she is ready, she will. And when she does, you will be there for her.

You guys are lucky to have each other to lean on when you need help. Give her time.

Kat

ak2381

05-13-2010, 04:42 PM

So this past weekend of I fell to what felt the very bottom of this ladder that I am climbing in understanding, accepting and being ok with everything that is happening in my life. It was crazy and heart wrenching. And now I am slowly trying to climb back up. I was pretty banged up and bruised when I hit the ground so hard. But the bruises are healing nicely and I think with a little patience and time I can make it back to the step I was on.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells with everyone this week. So worried that I am going to hurt or offend someone. I working really hard at not being pushy and overbearing. I am trying to give space where I feel it might be needed, even if the person doesn't say he or she wants it.
I am really treading the water carefully with J's husband. I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already is. I don't want to go through another round of feeling like I caused pain and destruction from my impatience and ridiculous and uncalled for determination to move forward faster than need be.

I don't think I am quite to that step yet. I know I am not as far down as I was when this whole thing began. I have felt weak and cautious the last couple of days. I am feeling rather stronger today, just concerned about J and her husband.

Talked to DH a little bit more last night. I have great concerns over the whole past cheating thing. And I felt guilty about asking these questions but I really wanted to hear from his mouth what he had to say. I asked what I felt to be two very important questions:

1.) If anything ever happens to J and him and they don't work out, or if another woman enters the picture, where does that leave him and me. If something happens to them, does he go back to his looking for random women to hook up with? Does he keep talking to me and let me know what is going on?
His answer: If anything ever happened to him and J, its not that he would be actively looking for someone. He can't tell me now if he would start swinging again. If he did find another relationship he doesn't see it being as serious as his with J because things are pretty serious between them. He just can't see being that way with another woman and me again. It would be a casual thing. Not to say it can't happen. And he said that he would indeed let me know before anything became bigger than just sex. He would let me know before he went over and even had sex or did anything to the liking. I think my favorite part was where he said that this whole thing that happened with J helped him learn to be honest with me and accept who we both are and he just can't risk going back to lying to me. His relationship with J has helped him learn to be totally open and honest with me.

2.) Has there ever been a time when J has tried, implied or suggested in any way shape or form that he leave me for her. I love J all the more for his answers here. He told me she has never ever come close to doing that. Even in any off hand comments that they have had in their pillow talk conversations, it was never a threat or a worry. They were just that, pillow talk and random thoughts said out loud. He said that they had talked about how if both me and her husband did not exist would they be compatible outside this relationship they had built. Where it was just the two of them outside the bedroom, in the open. And DH admitted that he believed that they could have gone on and lived a life together just the two of them. But we do exist and we are apart of it and neither of them would have it any other way. He loves me and she loves her husband indescribably. And I know he was telling me the truth. Yes they love each other, but this life is what we love. This life is what works for all of us, even if it does get hard. And J would never and has never tried to change that and neither has he. That is why he loves her the way he does because she isn't the others. They never stood a chance because they had asked that of him and she didn't.

So that is my latest thoughts. Hope all is well with everyone. Sorry if I seem out of it. I have been in timid quiet mode since about Monday. Hard to bring myself out of it. :)

ak2381

05-17-2010, 02:07 PM

Hello my readers, how about a new twist in my story.

J and DH have broken up officially. J's husband just could not accept this relationship. So while he didn't ask for her to do this, for the sake of her marriage she did. I respect her decision and and continue to be amazed and admire her strength. To let such an important relationship in her life go to save her marriage is one of the most incredible things a person can do. I feel for her and wish I could take away her pain. But for now all I can do is continue to be there for her and hold her in any way she will allow me to. I know this was one of the hardest things in her life to do.

As for DH the first couple of days were hard. He concentrated intensely on not taking it out on me but instead spending time with our daughter. The first night he was very distant and just wanted to go out and drink the night away. He didn't. He rolled over and made himself go to sleep. He woke up the next morning with a new determination it seemed to show me he still loved me and wasn't giving up on our marriage either. We talked on and off through the day about anything he might be feeling. I could tell he just wanted to pretend that none of it mattered, that he wasn't hurt. I let him do this so that he could just enjoy the weekend before going back to work and facing the awkwardness. He did want to say mean things about the situation to get the hurt out but I tried to get him to refocus his thoughts and remind him why she had to do this. He would very quickly retract any negative comments and agree that I was right.

DH and I also talked about what this meant for us in the future. We talked about if the situation was reverse and I couldn't handle it. He admitted that considering his past he would not have been able to do what J is doing. He probably would have lied about ending it and kept going. If not with her, then continued searching for other people Because that is who he is.
He said that he won't be looking for a new relationship but it will probably happen eventually. For now he will probably just swing for awhile and see where that goes. I never really am going to be great with this life. But I would rather he be open with me about it and admit he is going to do this than to have him continue lying to me about it.

I will continue to post. This is not the end of my journey into the polyamouros lifestyle as clearly noted. He likes living like this. And while he knows I hurt, I do this for him. I accept him for who he is. And I would only leave him under the circumstance that he has lied to me about it. That is all I have asked is that he not lie. My only big problem right now is that I am going to be on edge that the lying may happen again now that he is swinging again. But while I am going to be second guessing his every move I still have to find a way to remain sane and calm. Thank you everyone. I will post again soon and continue to post on other peoples threads.

Thank you again.

ak2381

05-17-2010, 05:52 PM

Folks,

This is a long road we have ahead of us. As I have been texting J back and forth today I started admitting stuff to her I didn't realize myself. I never realized how much I don't trust my own husband. That is horrible I know. But I was admitting to her that I trust her more than I do him. Considering the circumstances I guess it is believable.

I don't know why I am doing so well with all of this. I am not twisted with horrible pain. Maybe God is playing a role here to keep me relaxed and calm because He knows there are people right now who need a steady hand and I am it. DH isn't really talking, just playing it off like he is fine. I don't think he realizes how much I can read through him. Or maybe he does and is choosing to ignore it.

J is keeping an open line of communication which is wonderful. I think underneath it all DH is glad I can play the in between so that he can have his space to get over all of this. I know that once we get through the first week any thing he might think he holds against her will be gone. He knows why this had to happen and he doesn't blame anyone. He has even said many times that her husband did better than he ever would. DH wouldn't have made it past the first day.

I have said today that I would never ask DH to change his life or who he is. I just wish I had the comfort of his honesty to back me up and I don't. I am still working very hard at not resenting him for all the years of lying and betrayal. He had a couple of bouts of lying after everything came out. About where he was and what he was doing and the only reason I stuck around is because I felt equally dishonest for how I went about finding out what he was up to. I only trust him about 90% of the time and I know that is horrible

This will be another test of trusting him. I am constantly questioning everything he does and I know that wears thin but I have to. He is very careful about using his text anymore so I won't read anything I shouldn't. That leaves his websites and emails. Which irks my suspicions. But I have to trust that he isn't hiding from me because unfortunately I haven't figured out how to hack into those yet. :pI am horrible I know.

How do you trust each other after going through things like this. I do trust J. I don't trust DH. And I hate that but that is where I am with all of this. I just hope that I can continue being there for the people I care about. I am so calm right now I can't believe it. I don't know how or why. It almost seems wrong and unfair but I am glad so that I can keep a logical and rational head about me.

Angeliepie

05-18-2010, 02:26 AM

Unfortunately, trust lost takes a lot of time to rebuild. Just when you think you've put it past you something comes up to remind you that there's still more work to do. Hang in there! It sucks now but as long as you both work hard it can be overcome and you can find comfort in him again. I wish you the best!

ak2381

05-19-2010, 04:45 PM

J and DH were able to talk on the phone and through text yesterday. They both needed it. And my husband was positively glowing after being able to talk to her. He has been horrible at hiding himself the last few days. Well to anyone else I doubt they would have thought differently. But I could see plain as day he was pretending to best of his abilities to hide what he was really going through.

Yesterday he finally made one simple statement that showed me there was a crack in the walls he had put up. He simply said he was having some moments of missing her. Which said to me he was missing her terribly and didn't feel up to hiding it from me. So I encouraged him to check on her by text. Not to go against her husband's wishes but to make sure they could eventually get back to being friends. To have some kind of connection so they don't have a complete loss of each other.

They managed to talk off and on all day. Which I was fine. As I have said before, I will never be perfect with this life. But if I can find some joy in watching my husband be happy, even if its because he is reuniting with someone who is not me, then it is all worth it and I can handle anything.

I felt really good being able to give them their space to talk things out and have some time together again. I even told them both that I am not going to worry about asking them to stop texting or talking after ten. At least for awhile. They have such limited time to talk now between work and J's husband that I wanted to make sure that I didn't add the pressure of me as well. I am a fix it person. And if I can't fix something then by golly I am going to do all I can to come as close as possible and do something to help in some way. Besides, I know if I really need some attention or need my husband all I have to do is ask.

And this is what he needs right now. He was on cloud 9 last night when he got off the phone with her. They don't have a sexual relationship now but they can at least hold onto a close friendship.

Morningglory629

05-19-2010, 05:19 PM

:) This is an encouraging statement/observation on your part. Thanks for sharing it. Just reading it made me feel good about my future with KT and 2R. Much appreciation for your continued posts.

KatTails

05-20-2010, 03:11 PM

ak - I have been thinking about you and I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I know the feeling - it sucks! But you will come out of this - and you'll be stronger for it. I cannot begin to imagine how painful it is to have your husband lie and cheat - mine is honest to a fault. You say he hasn't lied in weeks - but until those weeks turn into month, then years - you won't fully trust him. He needs to earn your trust back little by little. Considering what you have been through - you have every right to feel the way you do. It's ok to feel concerned, worried and angsty - for a little while. Have your pity party - we all need one once in a while - but don't let it last too long. You will pick yourself up, dust yourself off and become that strong, calm woman you have been.

Have you guys gone to or considered marriage counseling? I think it would be a good idea. Just a thought.

Hang in there and PM or call me if you need to talk.

{{{{hugs ak}}}}

Kat

Morningglory629

05-20-2010, 05:15 PM

angsty Hey that is my word! I should have trademarked it...did 2R tell you Hannity used it the other night!

AK- I get losing yourself a bit in a relationship. I think most women do that and sacrifice some individuality to make our partnerships work. It causes much frustration and we always wonder would they do this for us...of course we never challenge them in that way or push the envelope so to speak, and so we always find ourselves in this vicious circle of doubt and anxiety and anger at both them but also at ourselves. (Not saying some men don't go through this...just saying historically speaking women give-up their self-identity in many love relationships/marriages).
Negative thoughts and doubt will creep in and I completely agree with Kat that it sucks but as Ari advised me, "find strength in your vulnerability" and when you feel the need for some reciprocal attention or commitment tell him so...tell him the words are great but aren't enough, show me the money! Thoughts and best wishes for you and your family. I think we are all pulling for eachother, we want to see more success stories on here!

LovingRadiance

05-20-2010, 07:21 PM

Morningglory629

05-21-2010, 07:15 AM

AK-we have a card on our mirror in our bedroom. I thought of it reading your last post. One of the KEY solutions to your immediate issue-is living in NOW. Very very few people REALLY do this. It's not easy to do-God knows I struggle with this daily.
In fact I finished the book I was reading (The Seven Levels of Intimacy) and I am now reading a new book JUST about THIS issue! It's called, "The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle". It's not an easy read (the last book was and I recommend it to everyone, mono and poly alike!).
But it does address this issue.

The quote on our mirror is this,
"We should never attempt to bear more than one kind of trouble at once.
Some people bear all three kinds-all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have."
Edward Everett Hale

It's so true.
We focus on "what might happen" and "what did happen" A LOT in our lives. But all we have control or ability to deal with is what IS happening in our lives in this moment.

I haven't had much time to write this last two weeks or so. I will be around though.
I'm thinking of all of you.

LR- Great quote and so appropriate. I think we all missed your notes on here. I agree it is very "self-fulfilling prophecy like" to fret about what "might happen" and it isooo easy to fall into the insecurity of the unknown Your example reminds me of the Serenity Prayer. Thanks for this. Love to Maca and GG and kids. Hope everyone is coping this week and enjoying being in eachother's lives. Nothing like a tragedy to emphasize how special what you have ias a family. Hope you are well too AK!

ak2381

05-26-2010, 05:04 PM

So I am not goin to type much. Just a quick a hello to show I am still alive.
Things are going well for DH and me. And folks be proud. I have decided it was high time I did something to help my self confidence and will power. One of my workout friends has convinced me that I need to try and do a triathlon and by golly I am going to do it. So for the next six weeks we are going to be training together.

There really hasn't been anything new on the poly front. Just on the working on my self worth front. And I really want to do this and I know in the end I will really be happy with myself. J has been very encouraging in me finding something to help myself. DH feels that it is time I did something with all of my hard work at the gym.

DH and J are still set in their friendship mode. I know it is hard for them but it was worse before they were at least talking again. We are all using our kids and family and outside activities to get by and build who we are again. It has been nice to see that all of our friendships were strong enough to survive all of this. To me that shows we were all more connected than we thought.

Well that is all for now. I will keep you updated the best I can.

LovingRadiance

05-26-2010, 06:26 PM

That's awesome Ak!!!

I'm training for that too. :)

My goal is to do the Ironman in Coeur d'Alene in 5 years. :)

Have fun!!

ak2381

05-29-2010, 02:34 AM

Tomorrow we are taking our daughter and hitting the waters with Kayaking and picnicking before I start training for my triathlon.

Sunday DH is going to his brother's place for the night. I am a little nervous about it because this was the place that alot of the bad stuff in our marriage happened at. This would be where he went to cheat. But that isn't why he would normally really go. It is just a college town so it was easy to do so there.

But I know he is just going to visit his brother. I know I can trust him. If something happens then I know he will talk to me about it. Chances are nothing will happen. He isn't a sex addict. Or a pathalogical cheater who can't keep it in his pants. He is a wonderful man who loves me and has been more honest with me in the past four months than our entire relationship. And we both know more about each other now. I trust him and am fine if he does meet someone there. I know he would never do anything to hurt me or our marriage now.

Then Monday starts my training! That will take the edge off any left over stress from the weekend. A nice run down a shaded dirt path and then ending at the swimming pool with my husband and daughter. Sounds like a perfect day.

ak2381

06-01-2010, 06:18 PM

I am starting my training this week. I am two days into it and feel great and clear in the head afterwards.

I am feeling a little insecure this week and am working through it one thing at a time. Its been hard but I am learning to accept my feelings as my own and understand I need to work through them. I can't depend on DH to just make them go away. I can't ask him to give up who he is just because I am feeling vulnerable. I know he empathizes with me and is here to help me. But giving up this part of him would not help either of us. And I will come out stronger on the other side as long as I continue to acknowledge who I am and own up to the fact that DH can't control how I feel. Only I can. And only I can work through this part of the pain and hurt. There really isn't much anyone else can do for me on this one. I need to come to accept myself and who I am and where I fit into this life.

Today is a swim day and I can't wait to hit the water!

ak2381

06-03-2010, 02:29 PM

Training is still going well. I am hitting a Zumba class tonight for a bit of a break.

I had some hard struggles this weekend but DH and I have worked through them and I am getting back to where I need to be. As long as I know that he continues to hold me at night I will be ok and happy.

Tomorrow is playgroup for my daughter and a 45 minute bike ride. I am getting really excited about this race. DH even bought me a water pack and we are buying me a new bike helmet. Lookout Triathletes!

ak2381

06-04-2010, 02:37 AM

MonoVCPHG

06-04-2010, 03:59 AM

I have no words to help. I don't know if his shutting down should be taken as he doesn't want you. I wonder how Redpepper would react towards her husband if we split up? I suspect she too would isolate herself for a while. Stay strong :(

sage

06-04-2010, 08:24 PM

Some more of my worst fears are coming true. DH just can't seem to get past his break up and I don't know what to do. I hold him at night. I let him cry. I listen as he tells me about the hole in his life and he doesn't understand why. He has no desire for sex. Our sex life has gone downhill since the break up. Almost non existent. It was something we talked about wouldn't happen. We wouldn't let this affect us. But he can't seem to focus. He gets into funks weekly now. And I just don't know what to do. I'm here. I'm right beside him. He says he wants to feel that wanting again. I have that for him. But it isn't enough. I'm almost afraid he had started to love her more and I was just an obligation. I am trying not to think like that but its hard. Right now the sex is about me getting it. It was strongly about us and his desires and my desires and just a wonderful mesh. Now its gone.

Right now I am swinging on my front porch, just letting the tears flo while I give him some space. Just waiting to turn the laundry around. Because I just don't know what to do. I feel like its too late for my marriage and I have lost my husband. If he doesn't talk with her he is angry and hurt. If he does he misses her and is hurt but there is a small smile. I don't give him that smile anymore. And I can't seem to stop hurting and wishing for the life I had before, where I knew how to make him happy with just me. But I can't. He is so miserable. And I can't let him see me cry or how much I am breaking down watching this. That's why I had to come to the porch. I am trying so hard to be strong. But how do you do that when your husband doesn't want you.

I think you are being far too hard on yourself. It's great that you are supporting your partner but don't do it at your own expense. I have done this in the past and it doesn't work. He is showing his honest feelings for the way things are. You need to do the same. Why can't you let him see you cry? He's your partner, surely letting him see how much this is hurting you will let you know one way or the other whether or not you have lost your husband. If he does still love you deeply he will care for you. I think one of the big mistakes we monos make in this whole poly thing is thinking that we have to to suppress our feelings. You wouldn't want him to put on a front for you and hide how he is is really feeling, so why are you doing that for him? I think this could be an excellent opportunity for you guys to reach a deeper place in your own relationship.

Let us know how it goes.

Sage

Angeliepie

06-04-2010, 09:59 PM

I agree with Sage. While I think there's always a "better" time and place to express our feelings, you should never keep them bottled up. It will take time for your husband to heal (and it's great that you are giving him room to do so) but it will only hurt your relationship with your husband if you continue to hide these feelings. And maybe expressing yourself will help him to realize that he needs to refocus some things and remember that he still has a relationship with you. A good relationship needs open and honest communication, even when it's hardest to do so.

Morningglory629

06-05-2010, 12:41 AM

I think you should allow your husband a little more time to process the breakup. As upset as you are, imagine that exponentially increasing if your relationship with him was over. His mood has nothing to do with his love for you. He needs to feel that loss. Reread Kat's post on grief. They love/loved eachother and it is over. So give him some grieving time. Not that your feelings aren't valid. He does still have you but to jump right into carefree life isn't really a possibility for him. Sex probably isn't anything he can get into now. So just keep being supportive and give him the hugs and caresses he needs. How long was their relationship? I wouldn't shoulder that melancholy as rejection of you but rather rejection of intimacy right now. You are a pretty great wife in alot of ways and he knows and feels that so don't assume responsibility for his unhappiness right now. Try not to be over-dependent on his approval or recognition as a guage of your self-worth. He just needs some space and you cannot help him get over it. That is something he needs to do all on his own. I hope being able to vent here helps you keep it together until he is over her. Hope that helps...I am no expert but often I am one that isolates or shuts down when hurting. Just my perspective here. best of luck to you AK.;)

sage

06-05-2010, 05:49 AM

It is interesting to note that 'members' are giving your different advice to a 'senior member'. You are described as a 'member'. In my experience expecting senior work from a less experienced person doesn't work very well. I come from the other side of the globe so forgive me if I haven't got the terms quite right but it's a bit like expecting a junior high student to cope with college concepts.

Even though I knew all about compersion (and in this case compassion) intellectually, it wasn't until I accepted that this is still all very new to me and gave myself permission to accept my feelings as valid for where I am right now, that things started to improve with my poly partner and his secondary relationship. If your experience is anything like mine there quite a lag between the intellect and the heart. I'm not saying don't be compassionate to your partner I'm just saying that you deserve the same.

Good luck

LovingRadiance

06-05-2010, 06:00 AM

Sage-

I don't disagree with your point, but I do think it would be useful to note-that just because someone is a senior member on this board, doesn't mean that they have experience much less more experience in Polyamory and Just because they are only a "member" on here doesn't mean that they don't have experience, or more experience in poly.

It simply means that they have a certain number of posts on this forum. As soon as you reach a certain number of posts you get "promoted" to "senior member" on the board.

Just a useful "fyi". ;)

Breathesgirl

06-05-2010, 10:17 AM

Some more of my worst fears are coming true. DH just can't seem to get past his break up and I don't know what to do. Let him grieve. Do as you have been and hold him, let him know you are still there for him. The loss of ANY relationship can be devastating and we all need time to get past it. Let him grieve the loss.

Grief is a powerful, POWERFUL thing. It's a whole lot of different emotions which cycle through repeatedly without any warning as to which emotion will be next or how long each emotion will have a say. If you can try to get him into grief councelling. I hold him at night. I let him cry. I listen as he tells me about the hole in his life and he doesn't understand why. Keep doing this. He will appreciate you all the more for it down the road, even if you can't see it right now. He has no desire for sex. Our sex life has gone downhill since the break up. Almost non existent. It was something we talked about wouldn't happen. We wouldn't let this affect us. But he can't seem to focus. It isn't you, honest. Grief affects different people in different and unpredictable ways. Just be there for him and let him know you care and are there no matter what. He gets into funks weekly now. And I just don't know what to do. I'm here. I'm right beside him. He says he wants to feel that wanting again. I have that for him. But it isn't enough. I'm almost afraid he had started to love her more and I was just an obligation. I am trying not to think like that but its hard. Right now the sex is about me getting it. It was strongly about us and his desires and my desires and just a wonderful mesh. Now its gone.

Right now I am swinging on my front porch, just letting the tears flo while I give him some space. Just waiting to turn the laundry around. Because I just don't know what to do. I feel like its too late for my marriage and I have lost my husband. If he doesn't talk with her he is angry and hurt. If he does he misses her and is hurt but there is a small smile. I don't give him that smile anymore. And I can't seem to stop hurting and wishing for the life I had before, where I knew how to make him happy with just me. But I can't. He is so miserable. And I can't let him see me cry or how much I am breaking down watching this. That's why I had to come to the porch. I am trying so hard to be strong. But how do you do that when your husband doesn't want you.

You need to grieve the loss as well. Things won't be the same, they will be different, they will be better than before, once the grief has run its course. You do need to tell him how you're feeling though. Recognize your feelings, validate them to him. Telling him how you're feeling might just help HIM work through his emotions a little better because he'll recognize (hopefully) that he's not the only one who's hurting which, in turn, might let him open up to you a little more about how he's really feeling. His emotions are running on high right now and maybe opening up even more will help bring them down a notch or two

Morningglory629

06-05-2010, 02:46 PM

Mohegan

06-06-2010, 07:27 AM

oh sweety I am so sorry things are so hard right now, but in my little experience, I have to agree with the others. Let him see you cry. Sometimes others need to be reminded that their loved ones are hurting too. Hold him and let him hold you. The husband and I being honest about our emotions, whether they make sense or are in agreement with eachother, is one of the best things we do. It's something that has helped us through so many many things and still helps us now. He needs to grieve. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He just needs to process. The best advice I can give is for the two of you to be honest with eachother about your feelings and be open to the others emotions. You don't have to agree with them, but you do need to understand where they came from and try to be suppotive and he needs to do the same. I'm here if you need to talk.

ak2381

06-07-2010, 01:23 PM

Ok latest update.

It took things coming to an all out fight this weekend but we are finally on good terms again around here. All the tension and hurt feelings and stubborness blew up on Friday. We had a huge fight just yelling at each other about random things from poly life to stress at work and home. Saturday we just went our own way to cool off. I cried, he huffed and by the time it was time to go to J's wedding renewal reception we were good again. We were hugging and kissing and telling each other how much we loved and have missed each other.

Yesterday was a wonderful day that we spent with each other and watching our daughter play in her kiddie pool. We relaxed with some pizza and chocolate. What a wonderful combination. And by last night we had a very passionate and might I say rather wonderfully aggressive night. And we woke up in exceptionally wonderful moods this morning.

Thank you all for your help and advice. Last week was just a bad one. There were so many emotional issues and we were both so stressed out. And I know this isn't the end of it. But hopefully we can get on a better track now and continue working out our problems. I need to be more supportive of what he is going through. And he needs to remember that even though he is having a hard time I have needs as well. And we both seem to recognize that Saturday evening and Sunday. Hopefully we can give it a few days before we let this get to us again. One day at a time right. Just focus on the fact that today we are happy. Today we feel good and today we can't wait to get back to bed tonight :p.

As for my triathlon, my training is going strong. I did a good swim yesterday and am planning to do another one today. I am proud that I haven't missed a training session yet. Of course it has only been the first week. But I feel refreshed after each round. And I can usually think more clearly and am ready for the next part of my day.

TTFN!

ak2381

06-07-2010, 05:23 PM

KatTails

06-07-2010, 05:38 PM

Why is it that when I am near him I am fine. Life is great and I am in complete bliss. But if he isn't within arms reach, even just to go to work I get worked up and insecure and question everything possible out there. Why can't I just be better at holding onto the good feelings.

I was literally just thinking the same thing! A year ago - I was deeply in love with 2rings, but we were stuck in a rut. He would go to work - and I was indifferent or relieved at times. Sure I wanted to see him - but it was easy to let him go. We could go from Sun to Fri without seeing each other because of our different shifts. Now - since he fell in love with MG - I feel needy, clingy, dependent upon him. I hate when he goes to work. He hates Sundays because I tend to get emotional that we have 5 days of not really seeing each other. I miss him incredibly now when he's not with me. I crave his touch, having his arms around me, and just seeing his smile. I have started staying up late at night just to see him - usually only getting 4-5 hours of sleep if that. I hate feeling this needy.

If your marriage is anything like ours, which, from talking with you, I think it is - then this whole thing has brought you guys closer together. 2rings and I are closer, more in love, more appreciative of each other, more open and honest, communicate more and are more committed to our marriage than we were before. To me - going through all of this, while hard and painful, has actually been a blessing for us. So I think the feelings I'm having are a combination of insecurity and jealousy about MG - but also a type of NRE - since we have fallen in love all over again. Whatever it is, I just hope this sad, dependent, clingy feeling subsides.

I hope you find a way to hold onto your happy feelings, intense love and tingles. What you and I are feeling is normal - but not healthy. We are both strong women who should be able to stand on our own two feet and be ok when our husbands aren't with us.

{{{{hugs!!!}}}}

Kat

MonoVCPHG

06-07-2010, 05:54 PM

This is not something only you have experienced my friend. It can get better. i used to be wracked with insecurity and fear of the unknown when me and Redpepper were apart. Now I have an incredible sense of security and have very little of those old feelings. Hang in there :)

MonoVCPHG

06-07-2010, 06:25 PM

I fully acknowledge that your situation is different then mine however, so I am not assuming to know how you are feeling in many ways...just to clarify :o

ak2381

06-11-2010, 05:16 PM

So life is pretty good at the moment. DH and I seem to be getting well this week. I have been able to talk myself down off of some insecure moments. Reminding myself that when he talks to me about his poly life it isn't about it being a threat to me. He is just trying to be open and share what is going on in his life. And once I realize there is nothing to feel threatened over I feel good again.

I had a day where nothing happened. There was no trigger. And yet I was just tired of dealing with all of this and just didn't want to do it anymore. And of course that was a day he worked late and I couldn't be near him so all my negative thoughts were hitting the surface.

But he came home and we had a terrific night. We have actually had a terrific week. We have been very close with hardly any arguments. We even felt like kids again during a water fight while we washed the cars last night. I think the closest fight was I was trying to ask a couple of questions and he got a bit impatient with me. He roled his eyes and started raising his voice but he caught himself when he saw I backed off and wouldn't talk at all and went timid a little bit on him. The rest of the night was a little awkward but we worked through it.

It is amazing to see the difference in us lately. If something happens he doesn't just immediately blame me anymore. When we were having trouble a few months ago that is what he would do. I would get mad and defensive. Now we both take a step back and evaluate ourselves. I use to not talk myself back to be logical and real. I would just let my feelings spiral out of control. I am still really bad at this but I am doing better at owning how I feel and dealing with them and trying to share with him how I am actually feeling.

He doesn't just get mad at me anymore and make me feel inferior. He calms down and looks at the situation at hand. He realizes that not everything is my fault and he takes the blame for his actions. He also owns up to his feeling as I have done nothing wrong, it is him. He is just in a bad mood and he needs to make himself feel better.

I am happy with the progress we have made. Especially this week. Last weekend we had a huge blow up fight and now we are happy again. I guess that is the typical story for most couples. I am sure there are more ups and downs to come but for now we are on an up and enjoying it.

Morningglory629

06-11-2010, 07:44 PM

It is amazing to see the difference in us lately. If something happens he doesn't just immediately blame me anymore. When we were having trouble a few months ago that is what he would do. I would get mad and defensive. Now we both take a step back and evaluate ourselves. I use to not talk myself back to be logical and real. I would just let my feelings spiral out of control. I am still really bad at this but I am doing better at owning how I feel and dealing with them and trying to share with him how I am actually feeling.

He doesn't just get mad at me anymore and make me feel inferior. He calms down and looks at the situation at hand. He realizes that not everything is my fault and he takes the blame for his actions. He also owns up to his feeling as I have done nothing wrong, it is him. He is just in a bad mood and he needs to make himself feel better.

These changes are HUGE and I am very happy for you AK! You both have really learned so much over the last few months...about eachother and what is successful for you as a couple. I am smiling for you right now.
Have you been in contact with J? Is she ok too?

ak2381

06-13-2010, 01:31 AM

First of all -
MG - J is doing well. Very well from the looks of things and was surprised to see you asking about her. Thank you for your concern.

Ok on to the latest updates. It has been an interesting couple of days so bear with me. Last night J and her husband invited DH and me over for a movie night. J's husband it seems has been tryin to plan a double date with the four of us for awhile. We were surprised but took this as a good sign that he was coming around accepting DH as at least a good friend of J even if he couldn't be more.

So we go and watch Hangover, hilarious by the way. And the four of us end up just spending two and a half hours on the couch afterwards talking and swapping stories and laughing and having a great time. DH and J's husband were getting along great. DH admitted in the end that he did feel a little awkward because of his feelings for J but that aside had a wonderful time. On the drive home he was ready to plan the next double date. J's husband seemed more comfortable with who DH is and that he is less of a threat. It is still a long shot of him accepting their relatioship for what it really is but the fact that he is reaching out trying to be friends is a huge step. And we are taking it slowly from there. Right now DH and I are trying to plan a double date that the four of us can do while J is recovering from knee surgery. We have a few ideas. :-)

Today apparently things were going very well. About mid day DH comes to me and says that J is allowed to have him over that night. No sexual relations planned. Just some talking and cuddling. It was an interesting feeling as I looked at him. He was excited. Thoroughly excited. It was like a little boy at Christmas. I know that is such a cliche analogy but there is nothing else to compare it to. He was glowing with excitement. He was ready to jump off of his chair as he pondered the possibilities of having some alone time with J outside of work with the approval of her husband. How could I say no. I could tell he was holding back his excitement and how much he missed her for my sake but it was pointless. He couldn't hide it.

It was interesting because there is no other feeling like knowing your husband misses another woman. And is glowing in eagerness at the chance of being reunited with her when things looked so bleak and hopeless for so long. Even if there wouldn't be any sex. Love doesn't have to be sex. It is a dull aching feeling that hurts a bit. But it is also a feeling that you have come to accept and you have a bubble of pleasure and happiness for them as well as the hurt. It hurts because you know it isn't you. And you monos out there know what I am talking about. Especially those who started this after a well established relationship. It use to be you. And now it is someone else. But he is truly happy. And he isn't asking to get away from me. He just misses someone he cares about deeply and loves. And it is a happiness he lost and has been struggling to get back. And seeing that light come on in his eye again was rewarding for me. I let that give me a light as well. So while half of me was hurting because I wasn't the one making him glow. The other half was relieved and delighted to see him smile from the inside out again. To see him look complete again. Even if it only stays as friendship. It is a friendship on fire for the two of them and that much has at least been approved.

I think for the first time, oddly enough, I don't feel threatened by his feelings for her. That says something I am sure. I just accept them. He can finally admit to me he does miss her. He does love her. And that makes a world of difference to me. I know he will still come home to me. And just because he misses her and loves her and gets a little boyish grin at getting to be with her tonight does not mean he loves me any less. Maybe if I can tell myself enough I will believe he loves me more for allowing him to be who he is and not stand in the way of his happiness. I am apart of that happiness. I am still working on that part. But typing it here on this forum is a big step forward.

DH is my very best friend. And tonight for me is about him. I am a little quiet with deep thought. But they are good thoughts. Tonight is about giving him this chance he has been missing for weeks. Just to cuddle her in his arms and maybe do nothing but watch some television. Yes I did tear up a little. Its never easy to admit this is my life now. But like I just said. This is about him. And I am happy for the both of them. I have lived through some of my worst nightmares over the last several months and have come out clean. This is nothing compared to what I have had to witness the last several weeks. It has been anxious torture, wondering when the next downfall for either will be and how I can help them get through it. They were worse when I had to watch him because I was right there silently begging for him to realize how much I loved him too.But he always knew that. And it was never anything about me or against me. It was just working through the pain.

He will come home tonight and we will talk and we will kiss and we will fall asleep in each others arms. Tomorrow morning I will check on J. And we will talk and joke and have a good conversation.

TTFN. Thanks Folks.

KatTails

06-13-2010, 04:29 AM

It was interesting because there is no other feeling like knowing your husband misses another woman. It is a dull aching feeling that hurts a bit. But it is also a feeling that you have come to accept and you have a bubble of pleasure and happiness for them as well as the hurt. It hurts because you know it isn't you. And you monos out there know what I am talking about. Especially those who started this after a well established relationship. It use to be you. And now it is someone else. But he is truly happy. And he isn't asking to get away from me. He just misses someone he cares about deeply and loves. And it is a happiness he lost and has been struggling to get back. And seeing that light come on in his eye again was rewarding for me. I let that give me a light as well. So while half of me was hurting because I wasn't the one making him glow. The other half was relieved and delighted to see him smile from the inside out again.

I think for the first time, oddly enough, I don't feel threatened by his feelings for her. That says something I am sure. I just accept them. He can finally admit to me he does miss her. He does love her. And that makes a world of difference to me. I know he will still come home to me. And just because he misses her and loves her and gets a little boyish grin at getting to be with her tonight does not mean he loves me any less. Maybe if I can tell myself enough I will believe he loves me more for allowing him to be who he is and not stand in the way of his happiness.

DH is my very best friend. And tonight for me is about him. I am a little quiet with deep thought. But they are good thoughts. Yes I did tear up a little. Its never easy to admit this is my life now. But like I just said. This is about him. And I am happy for the both of them. I have lived through some of my worst nightmares over the last several months and have come out clean. They were worse when I had to watch him because I was right there silently begging for him to realize how much I loved him too. But he always knew that. And it was never anything about me or against me.

He will come home tonight and we will talk and we will kiss and we will fall asleep in each others arms. Tomorrow morning I will check on J. And we will talk and joke and have a good conversation.

AK - I am so happy to hear that things are going better for you guys. Knowing that your husband is in love with another woman isn't as painful as watching the pain in his eyes when he thinks he has lost her. It is the hardest thing to watch and to experience. So I do understand how seeing him happy at getting a chance to spend some time with J. makes you feel good. But it is a bittersweet good: you feel good for him, but its hard for you to watch.

I still struggle daily with understanding how his feelings for her are not a reflection of his feelings for me - but I am sure in time that will be easier to understand.

Congratulations on this nice turn of events - I am very proud of the way you have handled and accepted this! You are an incredibly strong woman and your DH is lucky to have you!

:)Kat:)

Morningglory629

06-17-2010, 04:57 AM

ak2381

06-17-2010, 12:13 PM

Hey AK! How is the training going? Trying to increase my own exercise/activity level. Just moving into running, I have been walking/hiking for exercise but just started some weight training and added a cardio workout class. Offered at work, may as well take advantage of the opportunity. Hoping 2R and KT join me sometime. The hubs will walk with me once in awhile but if it isn't competitive he isn't interested in most exercise...and he is a smoker! UGH! But anyway I know it always makes me feel so much better. Hope the training is going well! It is AWESOME you are doing a Triathalon:cool:

The training is going great. I just did my first combo in training the other day. A half hour run followed by 45 minutes of riding around town on my bike. And when you live in WV there are hills everywhere! So my legs were dead. And of course I have to walk around town to get to and from work (including while on my lunch break) So I crashed pretty hard that night. This weekend I am suppose to up it to a 60 minute bike ride and 30 minute run. But it is worth it and I am having a blast!

Morningglory629

06-18-2010, 05:30 AM

:cool: Very cool! I am in awe of anyone with that much stamina!

ak2381

06-22-2010, 12:39 AM

Nothing much to update. Its been a long week and I can only hope things get better from here. My training is coming along quite nicely.
J, her DH, my DH and me all seem to be getting along with each other rather well at the moment.
Fathers Day was great for DH and our daughter. The goal was to give them the perfect day and I think I succeeded somewhat in there. I will write some more later. Sorry. Not a whole lot to say right now. Just letting everyone know I am still alive.

MonoVCPHG

06-22-2010, 12:46 AM

Glad your still alive....I don't know if monogamous people can exchange mouth to mouth but I wouldn't let you die ;)

Morningglory629

06-22-2010, 03:54 PM

Bwahahahahaha! :D

ak2381

06-25-2010, 06:22 PM

Here are some updates on our little group here.

First my training is coming along nicely. I have pinpointed my swimming as my weak point in the triathlon but with some hard work I can hopefully pull through on that one. Any pointers there are welcome!

J, her DH (we will call him M from now on. It is easier.) and my DH are all getting along great. J recently had surgery on her leg. So DH and I went over with our Wii game system and we all played video games and had pizza while all the kids, including our daughter, slept. It was alot of fun. J and I were even curled up on the couch together while the guys had their own seats. Everyone seemed very comfortable. M and DH seem to be doing very well on their own relationship. DH has even told me he has come to consider M a good friend and care about him. We are still a ways from putting all the pieces together but we are on a good road.

The goal right now is to keep up the double dates. I am going over to J's house tonight to help her while M is at work tonight. I don't know if DH is going to come over after his kickboxing class or not. He has been wanting to go visit his brother for awhile so I think he is on the fence on whether to go there or come see the two women who are in love with him, lol. Hard choice I am sure.

DH and I have had a few fights here and there as any married couple do. We had a very close call last weekend where we started talking divorce and discussing how it was just time to get the papers. We weren't getting along. All we were doing was fighting. I was tired of all the changing I felt like I was having to do. I even walked out of the house and left for five hours. A little extreme. The rest of the night and the next day was divorce talk. How to handle child custody. Where each of us would live once we separated. Who owed who money. It was like it was really happening. Then by Sunday night he wanted to know why I was wanting a divorce. I told him it wasn't that I wanted a divorce. Its that I loved him too much to give him my father's life. My mom makes him miserable with constant nagging and bitching and negativity and having to have everything her way. She once told me she makes him do so many house projects so that he is too tired to cheat or have sex. That way she gets a nice house and doesn't have to have sex. That is a HORRIBLE attitude and I didn't ever want him to be that miserable. I would never make him feel like he was trapped in a marriage and too tired to do something with his life. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE sex. But its that unhappiness I don't want for him. I could never do that to him.

We agreed to give it six months. If we can't turn things around in our marriage then that was that. We didn't want our daughter to grow up with the attitude of someone holding her back and happiness is something you can't have. And it has been a hard week. We have both been trying to be considerate of each other. Walking on egg shells almost just to make sure we are thinking before we act or talk. Especially me. I love him so much and want to do anything I can to make this work. But if he is happier elsewhere then I would do that too.

J has been very supportive of keeping my marriage together. And that has really been a big help. I wanted to just give up all together last weekend. I just was tired of trying. But this has been a slow and careful week and I hope we are on some kind of right path. We have fought this week and it was very hard not to let the thoughts that he loved her more enter my mind as the cause. But I quickly let the sane side start working and got myself away from that mindset and got back on track. That was the easy thing to blame instead of figuring out what was actually wrong. And it worked. We fought even after that. But J never was mentioned. It was a fight between us and our marriage about our marriage. And it was no one's fault but our own and we both recognized that. And I am glad we are finding some ground to work with.

Thanks all!

sage

06-25-2010, 07:44 PM

ak2381

06-27-2010, 03:05 AM

Last night DH, J and I spent the evening curled up on her couch just cuddling and enjoying each other's company. Eventually we made our way out to her porch to enjoy the night air...and mosquitos, lol. Gotta love summer! It felt so great. It was so comfortable.

As we were sitting on the porch I was in a rocking arm chair. they were sitting beside each other across from me, holding hands. And my mind starts going over the evening and what I was watching. And a wonderful feeling came over me. I watched them kiss and rub each others arms and necks and let it sink in how happy they seemed. And how beautiful it all was with us just sitting there. The best part is that I kept waiting to get jealous. I kept waiting to get scared. I kept waiting to wince and find the need to zone out so I wouldn't have to care that someone else was doing these things to my husband. And those feelings didn't come. Not last night while we were there. Not the drive home. And not today.

I didn't have my usual withdrawal. I didn't have my need to cry or have some time to myself like I always have in the past. I don't really know why. I had that slightest twinge that will always be in that little pouch in my gut that lets me know I am still completely and totally in love with my husband. But I don't ever want to loose that twinge so I am not seeking to get rid of that. I know that things are still worth fighting for as long as I feel that. Not that I have to fight...at least not tonight.

Those negative feelings never came not only because of my love for my husband, but because of the bond that I have created with J. I told her today I am starting to see us as more of a triad than a V because we have all grown so close. Her husband is working on his own connection with all of us. It's not really the I'm in love with you thing that we feel for our husbands and what she feels for my DH. It is a very strong emotional link that I would now find near impossible to live without. And it is a love of a different kind. And knowing how much I care about all of them, especially J and DH helped me understand why those feelings never came. Because we were happy.

I told DH all of this stuff as well. And he was elated. He and J have been trying to get me to a good point for awhile and it came last night. Just kind of creeped up on me when I wasn't noticing. I am not saying I am out of the woods yet. I never want to guarantee that. But I can say that I am happy and comfortable with J and DH and I don't think I will see myself melting down about what they have anytime in the near future. Unless I start seeing his love for her outgrow what he feels for me and I am really understanding that it isn't working like that.

I am just enjoying these good feelings. I have missed them.

Morningglory629

06-27-2010, 03:26 AM

:) Really beautiful!

ak2381

06-27-2010, 03:27 AM

I'm following your thread the blog of a Mono wife with some interest because I am one too (sort of although we aren't married :D).

I've come in quite late in the saga so I don't really understand what your underlying problem is. You seem to have accepted his poly status and enjoy your relationship with J. I know it isn't all plain sailing but to go from happy wii nights to talk of divorce papers seems a bit strange? What are you fighting about?

Sage

Sage,

First of all let me say thank you for following my blog.

Second, I don't know if you have read the very beginning of it all. It hasn't all been acceptance and happiness. It has been a very long and painful journey. somethings have even been so painful and private that only certain people have gotten Private Messages about it. From years of cheating by my husband, including with J, to coming to accept J as someone who is closer than some of my sisters to me has not been easy. It is something I have fought and cried over. I have screamed and thrown fits and wanted out many times because it just wasn't fair. I never asked for this life. I never wanted it. I even mentioned in one post I was left without a choice because the second DH cheated, with any of them, all choices were taken away. It was either divorce or polyamory. And I can't live without him. So I have studied and fought with myself to accept this about him. He fell in love with J and that has been one of the hardest things to accept and understand. Despite the post right before this, I still get a little uncomfortable with them saying it in front of me but it is all still very new for me. It hasn't even been a year. But yes, right now I feel great. you really have to go back and read my old posts on other boards to get the full feel for what I have been through with all of this.

Third, the Wii night actually came after the divorce talk. And the divorce talk I know came alot from me not hearing that my husband loves me and also that my husband has things to work on as well. And he knows that. He gets mad at things that are absurd and I freak out about things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand. We are working on it though. One day at a time.

Thank you

catbird

06-27-2010, 09:41 AM

And me, the mono, I think is the only one holding it together. Ironic wouldn't you say?ak2381, you've been a member here longer than I have and it's really possible that you know more about the subject of polyamory than I do. Please excuse me for rushing in as a fool where angels fear to tread.

Surely you have by now thought about taking a lover of your own? Something out in the open, as polyamory is supposed to be? You say you're mono and I can respect that. Could you ever consider crossing the line? It just strikes me - and please excuse a fool - that what's sauce for the the gander ought to be sauce for the goose.

MonoVCPHG

06-28-2010, 03:25 AM

Surely you have by now thought about taking a lover of your own? Something out in the open, as polyamory is supposed to be? You say you're mono and I can respect that. Could you ever consider crossing the line? It just strikes me - and please excuse a fool - that what's sauce for the the gander ought to be sauce for the goose.

As another mono, I can say that I thought of crossing that line. Why? Not to love someone else, but to take the sting out future partners my partner may have.

Here's a quick scenario that I have run through in my own head:

Mono pushes himself to take on another lover and finds one. New lover is quite happy with one lover. Mono falls in love with new partner and leaves the struggle of having a poly partner for the calm and comfort of having a mono one.

Not only is it not in a mono's nature to take on numerous lovers, it would be a pretty risky venture for the poly partner to encourage this as a possible way to gain freedom or acceptance...unless they had little invested in the relationship.

Of course...the mono person could turn out to be "not so mono" and then everything is different :)

catbird

06-28-2010, 05:33 AM

Mono pushes himself to take on another lover and finds one. New lover is quite happy with one lover. Mono falls in love with new partner and leaves the struggle of having a poly partner for the calm and comfort of having a mono one.

Not only is it not in a mono's nature to take on numerous lovers, it would be a pretty risky venture for the poly partner to encourage this as a possible way to gain freedom or acceptance...unless they had little invested in the relationship.

Of course...the mono person could turn out to be "not so mono" and then everything is different :)Dear MonoVCPHG,
Yes, I thought of some of this too and agree. A lot of this business has me stumped. It's very personal to the folks involved, and nearly any input one might give them could be wrong. Mono Wife's situation seems to say urgent, though, or at least help me.

And who doesn't need help sometimes? I'm pretty sure I'm not the proper helper here, only recently discovered I'm not mono. And man, I'm telling you, it's a hard thing to find out! Poly flies in the face of EVERYTHING in western society. You must think "Tell me something I don't know."

All I can do is wish these folks the best. Many at the site here have been dealing for a long time, though. Y'all seem pretty damn good to me.

MonoVCPHG

06-28-2010, 05:35 AM

All I can do is wish these folks the best. Many at the site here have been dealing for a long time, though. Y'all seem pretty damn good to me.

We're not so bad I guess ;)

catbird

06-28-2010, 05:44 AM

No, y'all are pretty good. Good to have friends here. :D:cool:

ak2381

06-28-2010, 12:23 PM

ak2381, you've been a member here longer than I have and it's really possible that you know more about the subject of polyamory than I do. Please excuse me for rushing in as a fool where angels fear to tread.

Surely you have by now thought about taking a lover of your own? Something out in the open, as polyamory is supposed to be? You say you're mono and I can respect that. Could you ever consider crossing the line? It just strikes me - and please excuse a fool - that what's sauce for the the gander ought to be sauce for the goose.

While this has been discussed between my DH and myself it is something I am simply not interested in. Since the day I met my husband when I was 16 years old I have just not been interested in anyone else, period. I know that is hard to believe. Oh I have looked or gawked at a good looking guy from time to time. I am human after all. Especially if he has that dark hair and deep blue eyes going for him, I have a superman fetish, lol.

When my husband and I first entered into this in such a painful way and were working out the issues, the first few days were about why don't I just go out and find someone else. But as we dug deeper I knew that this was not who I was. I have always found it so easy to except people as they are. I love learning about new cultures and religions. I have never had a problems with homosexuality or those of the atheist or even Wicca belief. I find new views to be fascinating. This was a whole new thing for me. And while I had no problem with the lifestyle I never imagined living it myself. By this point DH had already mentioned this was the life of J and M. And I thought nothing of it. That's just another way to live. But it is not the way I wanted to live.

I am mono. And I am proud of that and accept that about myself. My DH has expressed he doesn't know if he can handle me finding another lover the way I have accepted it. And while most might find that cold and unfair it doesn't bother me. Because I don't want another lover. I have had my offers. I have an old boyfriend from high school that I find very attractive and probably would take him up on a date if I were not married. But I just don't feel right about it because I am happy with my one husband and don't care to venture past the line.

J is probably the closest I have to being poly. But we have already discussed how we feel towards each other and how that differs from her being a wife and gf. She and I have a deep emotional and even physical connection. And it is a love in its own special way. But I am still very mono because she is apart of this triad. She is still the gf of DH and wife to M. My DH was trying to figure out how to describe my relationship with her. And I said think of two close sisters. Now throw in the playful sexual interaction and take out the creepy part of them actually being sisters. He laughed and said "So that means I am having sex with your sister?"

Mono is who I am just as poly is who J and DH are. And who you are and many others on this board. And I love learning about it so I can further grow and understand about this new world that I have had to enter.:)

ak2381

06-28-2010, 12:28 PM

I just wanted to add that while I respect polys and know that many of them are on here learning about themselves we monos are doing the same. It can be easy to become lost when some of the most important people in your life are poly. I have often wondered if there was something wrong with me for my mono way of living. Why can't I want to take on another lover. Not that my DH would be thrilled but it has been a thought that maybe I am not right when so many people around me now are like this.

Sometimes it is hard for the mono to come out and say Hey I am Monogamous! to their poly community.

sage

06-30-2010, 06:41 PM

You have been a great inspiration for me Ak. I too have considered being poly but when I looked at why, my reasons didn't stack up and would have taken me further away from what I want (awesome, loving, committed relationship), rather than brought me closer.

I would have done it to show Z just how much his relationship can hurt me; at times I've really wanted him to feel my pain (not proud of that). Also to fill any possible void that his relationship creates in ours. Also not good but not quite so bad.

At the moment, like you I have no interest in bringing in anyone else, and no time to do another relationship justice. Unlike you I quite like the fact that if someone did stumble into my life that I did want to pursue a relationship with I have an environment that would be reasonably open to that. Like your DH Z doesn't feel all that optimistic that he would cope very well, but at least he would try.

Smiles

Sage

MyDemonsMyAngels

07-01-2010, 12:26 AM

i myself have been having a little trouble working through my own feelings. And I have thought about being poly just to show my BF the pain that I go through... NO GOOD. So I have not...and will not unless it comes from something positive not negative. And to be honest he would not accept me being poly which kind of makes the life style a little more appealing and makes me question him...why is it okay for you and not for me....??? But then I think would I really be okay with him being OKAY with me sleeping with someone else....i think i would see him as less of a man...eekkk.. i cannot believe i just said that....for all the guys out there please dont take it personal i didnt mean any disrespect or hard feelings...

immaterial

07-02-2010, 02:13 AM

sage

07-02-2010, 03:01 AM

Thanks for your observations immaterial but I don't think there is anything wrong with me at all. I strive to be the most effective me I can be and that requires self analysis and awareness. I experience pain and fear and insecurity and lots of other emotions that aren't particularly pretty and I try to deal with those as effectively as I can. Sometimes I'm more successful than others.

Smiles

Sage

Morningglory629

07-02-2010, 03:26 AM

It's so interesting to read all of these thoughts and feelings and experiences. I thank all of you who are so boldly honest and communicative.

One constant thread is that poly, non-monogamous and mono people here are all expressing the idea that they either went through or still do go through periods where they feel there is something wrong with them for their orientation. This fascinates me.

I do believe we live in a culture of pathology. I feel the underlying message from our context is "there is something wrong with you." This constitutes the shame core for each of us. Relationships, intimacy, emotions and sex are all part of that shame core, are all driven by the contexts that we inherit.

That poly, non-mono and mono people can all express essentially the same sentiment of "there is something wrong with me" or that most of us have at least wrestled with that demon is revealing.

Immaterial

Great post Immaterial. I have felt the shame and even guilt of which you speak. I know that finding this site thanks to 2Rings (and KT) has really helped me find a definition of who I am and the feelings or orientation I have struggled with throughout much of my life but especially this last year and half. Perfect expression to describe what we all feel as participants in complicated relationships. Thanks!;)

immaterial

07-02-2010, 06:25 AM

Sage, I think it's beautiful that you don't think there's anything wrong with you. Was there a time when you did?

Thanks MG.

Less than helpful things my significant other was told when she wanted to separate after I told her I was poly and non-mono:

- If you really loved him, you'd stay. He'll get over it. It's just a phase.
-He's just a sex addict. When he gets into recovery for that, you can be with him again
-If you took a more spiritual approach, his nonmonogamy wouldn't bother you
-You yourself are poly, why should it bother you if he is?

Things I was told when I told people I was poly and non-monogamous:
-Ha, you're playing days are over. Get over it.
-All men are non-monogamous.
-You just have to make the choice to be monogamous. That's just how relationships work.
-You are just a sex addict. None of this would matter if you got treatment.
-You aren't polyamorous, you're just bored.
-If you were more spiritual, you would be able to be monogamous.

There have been very few comments directed my way that have been supportive, loving, curious, knowledgeable or even understanding. Mostly just shaming and fear-based reactions. My sig other has gotten more support from her girlfriends because I am a man and I want to have multiple sexual partners. But she too has gotten her share of shame and fear-based "advice." A sure sign of a social paradigm shift is when the old norm (monogamy) can be seen as problematic, as pathological.

Immaterial

immaterial

07-02-2010, 06:48 AM

anyway, sorry to hijack your blog ak, and what a remarkable series of stories it is! I have learned tons reading through all 12 pages, much appreciated.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming....

Immaterial

sage

07-02-2010, 09:45 AM

But where else do we take this?

Yes there was I time when I thought there was something wrong with me. I was married and I wonder if I knew at some level that in order to make that relationship work I needed another.
In that relationship we both had affairs and we discussed having what, if we had known about polyamory, would have been polyamorous relationships. His need for another arose because of mine and so I accepted the responsibility for essentially being defective. I had a husband who loved me and yet it wasn't enough.

In my new relationship I feel totally satisfied and sustained, I don't need anyone else and I feel good about myself. This is just me I'm not trying to say anything about anyone else's relationships or polyamory in general.

Sage

immaterial

07-02-2010, 06:38 PM

started a new thread on this topic here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=34415#post34415

Immaterial

ak2381

07-03-2010, 04:00 AM

I feel totally satisfied and sustained, I don't need anyone else and I feel good about myself. This is just me I'm not trying to say anything about anyone else's relationships or polyamory in general.

I appreciate all the comments but I would like to clarify something. Neither DH nor J have ever made me feel like there is something wrong with me. They have always welcome and accepted the fact that I am monogamous and still do. It is something I have felt myself because these are very important people in my life and I spend a great deal of time with them. And because I do that and am the mono in the group I often have felt like the odd ball out for that simple fact that I am different from them on that level.

I am monogamous. My husband has been my one and only...well male sexual partner. I have done some swinging with him a little bit with a couple of other women and J has become a more permament person in this situation. But that doesn't change the fact that I still know I am a monogamous person. I care and love each of these people deeply but in such different ways. I love DH as my soul mate and my other half. There is no other person I could ever love in that way. I personally don't see it as possible nor do I care to. J is as I have said before like the strongest kind of sisterly love. Something so very different obviously. You just have to take out the creepy having sex with an actual sister part and there you go. Makes the threesomes fun.

I have worried that being so monogamous has made me boring and not as intense as the other people in my husbands life. But I also know that he loves that I am monogamous because he is a very jealous person. So this relationship works very well because of that. I bring on these worries myself. I know deep down there is nothing wrong with me. I just have insecurities about being the unexciting person in a room full of people with so much more experience. I am often seen as Miss Innocent and for some reason that has always struck me as someone who isn't very fun. I have no doubt that is just me. I have had one love, one sexual male partner my whole life. My husband has now had a few female partne. Some of our friends were very surprised at this, that I have only had him. Not J. I am talking about some of the others (and no, none of them know about our poly life. We have decided to keep that to ourselves. Personal choice.) I never felt the desire before I was married to go out and have sex with other boyfriends. No matter how much I cared for them. I had sex with my DH for the first time the night we got engaged. We met when we were 16. He asked me to marry him right before I started my senior year of college. So as you can see there was quite a gap there. We were married a year later. I only wanted one for my life and that is what I have and I am proud of that. That is who I am. That is how monogamous I am. I can't and won't take any one else as my true love and partner in life.

ak2381

07-22-2010, 01:02 AM

Hey folks,

Wow it has been awhile since I have been on here. I have found that I have used this site less and less because I know for a long time it was a huge crutch for me. It was all I had to hold on to and when all was lost and I was drowning this is where I came. In fact I have actually lurked from time to time still and when my DH found me doing so he would begin to worry that something was going wrong. It wasn't. I just wanted to know what people were up to.

Here is the latest in my story.

The past few weeks have been full of talking and getting to know each other on many levels. And I mean DH, J, and J's DH and myself. We have had many double dates and family get togethers. J's DH has become a huge part of our group. He and I have had our talks just as the two husbands have had theirs. We all seem to be very open with each other now. J and I are just as close if not closer than others.

The really good news. J and DH have been given the go ahead to start seeing each other again. It was all taken in baby steps. I have been staying by DH's side in all of this. I know it has been really hard for him. But I know he is so much happier now. And at the same time working very hard not to take advantage of J's DH's feelings in all of this. They text each other alot now.

I try to keep a check on how they are doing as a couple. DH looked a little bewildered the other day and asked why I always seemed more worried about her than him. I corrected him and said I was worried about both of them and I always phrase the question "How are you and J?" Because I know if they aren't right then he isn't happy. And I have seen him in enough pain these past couple of months that I don't care to live through that again for awhile.

I am holding up pretty well tonight. I am trying to keep at bay the feelings of not feeling very important or needed anymore. I know that they are irrational and just insecurities and no one can help those but me. It is like now that he has her back he doesn't need me for the exciting sex. I am back to being the boring wife. And I am not needed by her anymore either because she can be with him without me present. I know very much that isn't true. So, J, don't get upset with me or yourself for that statement. I know that is all me and by the end of tonight I will be perfectly over it. You did not make me feel that way. DH did not make me feel that way. Your DH did not make me feel that way. All three of you have gone over the top to make me feel welcome and included and cared about. It is me. I make me feel that way. And only I can make myself get over it.

Its a good part of the story really. I just need to get back into the swing of things. And me being on the site tonight does not mean I am falling backward. I think of it as I don't need this site as a crutch anymore. I see it as visiting old friends and updating everyone. I hope everyone is doing great.
I hope to write again soon. Thank you.

Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it - Anne of Green Gables

LovingRadiance

07-22-2010, 02:29 AM

Ak, that's wonderful that you are doing so well!
I'm really glad you popped back in to give an update. ;)

sage

07-22-2010, 03:19 AM

yay!!!!!!! you're back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Way too few monos on here without you and KT, will give your post a proper read when I have time. You have made my day, you have been one of my biggest inspirations :D

MonoVCPHG

07-22-2010, 03:22 AM

sage

07-22-2010, 06:04 AM

Yes you're right - we have to find the attributes that most people look to their partner's to provide, within ourselves. It's hard work but it must be healthy.

And I don't quite get the whole 'crutch' thing. This is hard work! I started to feel a little like you about sex the other day. We've always had a really great sex life and so if things get a bit "comfortable' I get worried. Crutches are used by people who are injured. Are we injured or are we challenged and in need of support?

ak2381

09-02-2010, 08:21 PM

Hey everyone. I think I have stayed away too long. I have felt myself stuggling a little bit lately and I know my relationships around me are picking up on it.

Things have gone a little crazy for me lately. J and her family and my family have all become one big unit.We practically live at their house. And it is like one giant family. I love being there and usually never want to go home. But there are still times I struggle with my jealousies and emotions and insecurities are at an all time high. Particularly when I feel like DH and I have become a bit detached from each other.

I just need to get back to this place and hash it out here like I use to. I use to own my own feelings and work my way through alot of insecurities. But DH and I had a huge gigantic fall out about a month ago and I have just had so much pent up hurt and anger since. I blame him for everything under the moon and let my feelings boil at the surface so that I freak about everything.

I have often mentioned to the other three that I feel like a bit of an oddball out. The rest of them lead this poly life and have careers and lives. I am a mono with barely a part time job and often feel like I am letting everyone down. I have even suggested they invite in a third woman so that they can have a quad with this mono on the side. That way they get what they want and I can be there when DH is ready for me. I knw that would be hard and hurt for awhile but at least I wouldn't feel like I was disappointing the entire group.

There is talk of of all of us moving away together. And that excites me. At first it was them talking and wave of horrible sadness washed ove me. Then they all started talking about how we need to do it together and I got excited. My only worry is loosing my DH in the process. I just don't want him to value me any less for not being a career woman. But at the same time I don't want to loose this family that we have built.

I am so confused right now. I know eithe way would be hard and there will be difficulties and hurt both ways. But I think I would rathr all of us move together. That way I get my best friend. DH and J get to stay together and I don't have to worry about that hurt again. My daughter stays with all the friends she loves so much. I just have to get myself back on a good track so everyone can relax around me. But the more they tell me I'm not ok when I am trying to get there the more frustrating it is. I know that I will be ok. I just need a chance to prove to them and myself I can do it, even if I am mono.

redpepper

09-02-2010, 10:57 PM

It doesn't sound like you are ready to move in and leave your own house. Maybe you shouldn't then? At least you have somewhere to go if this doesn't work. What's the rush anyways? This is all new no? Like not even a year old yet?

sage

09-03-2010, 08:28 PM

Yay, Yay, Yah

I am so pleased you are back. I have really missed you and thought about you a lot but respected that you wanted some space. Please don't go away again.

The rest of them lead this poly life and have careers and lives.

Didn't Js husband have big problems with her relationship initially? Is he able to be of some help?

often feel like I am letting everyone down. I have even suggested they invite in a third woman so that they can have a quad with this mono on the side.

Don't do this it would totally escalate further all your insecurities and jealousies. This sort of thinking sounds like a cry for help to me. You are you and you have every right to be loved and accepted as they do. More often than not I find my own lessons reflected in poly. These sort of feelings are probably telling you that you need to accept and appreciate yourself a lot more. Maybe instead of being so tied up with them you could be doing something for yourself that makes your heart sing? While on one level you love being around them it is probably adding to your continual comparisons of yourself.

And what the hell is this thing about them telling you that you're not OK? That makes me angry. Yes you should have been back here before now. There is lots of work to do.

Join up with the poly/mono group on Yahoo groups. There is a really interesting quote someone has posted about being your SO's priority rather than just an option.

Smiles for you

ak2381

09-03-2010, 09:47 PM

I am doing better today. Dh. And I are headed to vacation with his family. I'm already missing j and her family. But we will be back in a week.

J's husband and I have done some talking on our own and he has been alot more involved since the beginning. We have even packed up all the kids for a funtrip to an amusement park. We watch each others kids. Everyone seems to get along pretty well. We have our fallouts. But who doesn't.

I think I need to carify them saying I'm not ok. I think its more that they I know I get more sensitive than the rest of them because I came in to this not by choice and dh and I had not been getting along. For a very long time before this. Its more of she is struggling and not ok emotionally to handle whatever is happening at the time. I just like it when someone hears me when I say I will be ok and keep doing whatever.

Getting back here has helped already. After yet another tiff with dh this morning I finally figured out why I'm so grumpy lately. I'm a little sexually frustrated. Our sex life is close to non existent lately But hopefully I can fix that tonight. Lol. That is all for now. I will probably type more tomorrow. Today I am Good. Just really missing home already. Dh is driving right now so it was a Good time to get This done.

michelleandray

09-04-2010, 12:19 AM

OK...I don't usually do this, but there are some things in this post that I want to clarify. As to the comment that AK isn't ready to leave her own home...we are not talking about moving in together...we are talking about moving to a different location together. We will still have separate houses. Although the majority of our time, even now, is spent as a family unit with all four of us and our kids all together.

As for the "she's not ok" comment - none of us are EVER telling her there is something wrong with her. We each love her - in our own ways - for who she is! Her comment is referencing the fact that we worry about her and making sure that she has what she needs to be ok, not that we think there is something wrong with her, just that we want to make sure she is in a good place emotionally.

I have made my steps to stop questioning her when she tells me that she is doing ok...to stop overanalyzing every look and touch and to stop reading in to everything she says. It has been so much a part of what her DH and I have done though, it's hard to stop. I just hope she can be patient with me. Once I make the transition - we can start working on getting our husbands to do the same.

As for her suggesting us adding another woman...none of us want that - and we have all expressed that to her. She is what we want - for who she is!

I'm sure there are other things that I wanted to cover...so I might be back, but for now...I will sign off and let this place get back to being her sanctuary...

You know I love you, love!

J

ak2381

09-04-2010, 04:38 PM

Thank u for all the clarifications J. I love u. She got it all right on the nose.

Just feeling a little left out and lonely today. Nothing to do with J and her family. Just a little lost as to where I fit into my husbands life at the moment. Has kind of felt like he hasn't had much time for me lately. I have really been in a sexually aggressive mood for awhile now but we don't seem to get anywhere with it. It actually feels like J is there for me more than anyone which I really love and appreciate. I've just realty needed my husband lately and can't seem to catch him long enough for him to see how much I'm struggling with missing him. Again maybe tonight I will get lucky. I just need to focus on handling my problems myself right now. He can't do it for me.

redpepper

09-04-2010, 07:09 PM

Blogs are generally a place where those who they belong to can come and write about their feelings, thoughts and what events happen in their lives. I am having a bit of a reaction to M writing on your blog ak, denying that your experience of your reality is valid. There is no right or wrong in this. Just different experiences of events and what is going on for you both.

When someone tells another that their version of their reality is not valid it creates doubt for them. Parents tend to do this with children and the doubt that is created, that their experience and gut feels aren't valid, turns them into doubtful adults who follow what others tell them because they believe that other peoples reality is more valuable than their own.

Ak, this is your blog, and you can do with it what you will. If you are okay with M reflecting her feelings and thoughts about what you feel and think on here then that's fine, but I would suggest that the usefulness in blogging will be gone as a result and I would think that eventually you will not bother as you may feel that your privacy is threatened.
You seem to have a lot of doubt already that this is a good relationship dynamic for you ak. Your struggle is evident. That is very valid and I would hope no one is trying to convince you that you should just deal with it and suck it up. Walking through your emotions and getting to the route of what is going on for you will mean that you can discover what needs aren't being met for you. Once you have made a list of those, then you can start being creative about how to get them met and invite the others to help you with that. It would be important to voice what you need, however ludicrous and over the top it might sound. That would be the beginning of negotiating. I hope you continue to blog here to sort stuff out.

M, I totally get that you have a point of view and I am not suggesting that that should not be respected. Perhaps starting your own blog or talking in private with ak would be a better idea than questioning ak's thoughts here. Maybe this should be her space and her place of safety to explore and get feed back from others on HER version of what goes on. I'm assuming that you didn't talk about it with ak before writing here M and perhaps asking permission to respond would be more respectful?

Just a thought from someone witnessing.

sage

09-05-2010, 12:21 AM

Hi Ak

Sorry for any angst I may have caused through mis-understanding your original post. I will try to read more carefully and not jump to conclusions.

This is probably not what you want to hear but I wonder if both yours and DH's relationship with J is getting in the way of your relationship with each other?

You both seem to seek solace in her and this may be hindering you actually dealing with the stuff you have between each other.

Z has a rule for himself that he does not communicate with his SO if things are not right between us. This break of yours might be a good chance for you guys to look at this and maybe change the pattern?

michelleandray

09-05-2010, 12:30 AM

OK, first let me say that I have not posted very often because I do feel this is her way of getting things out in a way that is very healthy and has been very helpful for her. And you will find that I have actually said that more than once. I also did tell her that I was going to respond before I did, and got her ok before I sat down to the computer.

As for my clarifications, I was not telling her that her perceptions of things was wrong - I never have and I never will. There have been so many nights that I have either sat with her in my arms or via text and talked through her feelings in an effort to be as supportive of her insecurities as I can. Because believe it or not, because of my past - I understand almost exactly what she is going through.

The point of the clarifications that I made was not to tell her that she was wrong - it was to point out that some of the people reading it were reading more into it than was actually there. Things like "they tell me I'm not ok" were taken to mean that we were telling her that there was something wrong with her, when in fact we were simply trying to make sure she didn't need anything else from us. AK will tell you that she doesn't edit her posts at all, because she wants to get things out in a way that is almost stream of consciousness...and I think it's great. But because of that - sometimes people read into the posts things that aren't there.

As for my relationship with each of them getting in the way of their relationship with each other...I have offered on multiple occassions to take a step back and if they are with each other - I do not contact them. I wait for them to contact me, because that is their space. If they are in the middle of a disagreement, I intentionally don't ask what it is about and don't take sides if they talk to me. I am here simply to listen if they want to talk.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone. But given that I have intentionally left this as her space, it means that you get one side of the story and for the first time today - I won't sit back and be attacked.

J

sage

09-05-2010, 01:17 AM

Hi

I'm sorry you felt attacked it was certainly not my intention and I'm sure it was not Rp's either.

If you note in my post I said that I think they may be "seeking" solace in you, not that you are intentionally barging in with it. When you're in pain and the one that you're struggling with is causing you the pain it is so much easier to convince yourself you are getting help from a more comforting source. If you read Ak's last post she says that you are "there for her more than anyone".

I'm sure you are being there with the best of intentions I am just posing the question "is it getting in the way of them sorting their stuff?" Is DH able to be distant with Ak because he has you to go to instead? Should she be talking to him rather than you? Only you guys know the answers to this stuff.

To paraphrase, she also seems to be saying that you guys are overly concerned about her being able to handle things. If you note, she was quite capable of making the earlier clarifications herself.

Surely this is one of the functions of this forum, to help people look at their stuff and hopefully gain some clarity as a result?

michelleandray

09-05-2010, 01:30 AM

I am well aware that AK is perfectly capable of making the clarifications on her own, but given that she and her DH are out of town and I didn't know when she was going to be able to post, I thought that I would make them for her.

AK and I have talked quite a bit about this forum since this all started - and although she has encouraged me to post as much as I feel I need to, I have refrained because as I have often told her and her DH - this is her place and she shouldn't have to feel like she has to edit her posts to protect my feelings or feel as if she will have to defend her feelings or her opinions. She knows that I read each post she makes and I talk to her about them if there is anything that comes up that either of us feels needs to be discussed - but I don't post because this is her space.

And now we're back to the whole me keeping them from dealing with their issues. Neither of them talk to me about anything that is going on until they have discussed it with each other. If my DH and I are having problems, although I tend to turn to AK for support - I do not discuss the actual issues, and they maintain that same theory. I am not a part of their relationship with each other and that is how it should be. They deal with their issues on their own, I am just here as support for them. And they are both very well aware of that.

I will say again that I think this forum has been very helpful for AK, and I don't want to take it away from her. But given the reception to my post - I will go back to reading her posts and discussing them with her on my own time.

She has read all of this and I am sure she will respond as soon as she has the ability to do it.

J

ak2381

09-05-2010, 02:25 PM

Ok everyone,

First of all thank you for your comments and concerns. Let me start by saying J is my one I turn to for just about everything right now. I turn to DH as well but especially J. I can't imagine life without her anymore and every clarification here has been thru and thru true and I have agreed with them because I agree with them.

DH and I had alot of talking going on last night. We are talking deep conversation. And I learned some things about myself that I didn't realize and I knew more than ever I needed to get back on this site and work with my feelings and how to handle it all. I have put way to much pressure on him. I wasn't recognizing his needs with J and being selfish and I knew this subconsciously but instead of working through this, showing compersion and looking at myself I expected him to fix everything. He needed his time with her and I wasn't giving it to him. So after hours of talking we came to some conclusions. And I am happy with those. This is the best I have felt about my marriage in awhile.

Time management is a big topic on this board. One that I have not been willing to share. Compersion is something I need to work on. And he has been resenting me for being so selfish. He has reassured me over and over again he loves us both. I am his wife and he will do whatever he can to help me. But I was making this extremely difficult for him to lead his life by my constant jealousies and insecurities. And I listened really hard last night. And we are doing so much better today because we were able to understand each other. It has been so easy to blame him for everything and not take on my feelings myself.

He finally agreed with me that this site is good for me. He use to fight me tooth and nail about it. But last night he realized that it was when I stopped going here to make him more comfortable that I started struggling again. I started loosing sight of things and I started being constantly jealous and unhappy with this life. So he not only said he was ok with me being on here but he encouraged that I continue to come here so I can grow and be happy.

As for J being on here as well I encourage it. I want her here with me. She is a pillar of strength for me. She doesn't have to ask my permission but always does. I want her to feel free to post where ever and whatever she wants and please don't take offense to this anyone but she should never have to be questioned about her motives. She should never have to defend her position. She has done everything possible to help me through this and I love her so much. She is welcome to say anything she wants. I don't feel like she is taking away this site from me. I stopped coming here because DH felt I was not talking to him. Not because of her. If nothing else she has continued to encourage me to come here for help and she is right.

I want her to know I love her and without her I wouldn't have made it as far as I have. I have known some other OSOs and she is a saint and I couldn't have asked for better. I can't loose her and neither can DH.

We practically live together right now which I do enjoy. Our families seem to work well together. And I want to move with them because I know DH and I are too afraid of loosing them and wouldn't know what to do if that happened. So we are one unit now going together and working through our insecurities as they come along.

Please don't give up on us now J.

michelleandray

09-05-2010, 03:46 PM

I am not giving up on us...on any of us! I am just going back to staying off this board other than to read your posts.

You know I love you and I am extremely excited about the move and making our new life together truly as one unit.

I am not going anywhere until you tell me you want me gone.

J

redpepper

09-06-2010, 07:14 AM

As for J being on here as well I encourage it. I want her here with me. She is a pillar of strength for me. She doesn't have to ask my permission but always does. I want her to feel free to post where ever and whatever she wants and please don't take offense to this anyone but she should never have to be questioned about her motives. She should never have to defend her position. She has done everything possible to help me through this and I love her so much. She is welcome to say anything she wants. I don't feel like she is taking away this site from me. I stopped coming here because DH felt I was not talking to him. Not because of her. If nothing else she has continued to encourage me to come here for help and she is right.

Point taken, thank you for saying so.

None of us know what goes on in your lives, as we are not there. Any question of someone speaking for another or attempting to seemingly devalue what they say on here is because that is all we know, because it is all that is written and I for one am protective of people I have talked to for some time on here. I am going to ask if what I am reading is okay with the OP and question the motive of the poster; especially on an OP's blog!

I'm sorry if that offended. It was not meant to be offensive, just protective. But I would guess that you would do the same thing in my position michelleandray.

I am just going back to staying off this board other than to read your posts.

Well that's too bad, cause there is a lot of great insight here and you might learn something and pass on what you know also. Really, all of you might benefit and find that you also have a lot to offer in return.

Ak has written some insightful stuff here and she has friends here... we aren't all just some words on a website... we are all going through similar stuff. There is room for everyone and I by no means meant to suggest that you were not welcome to participate michelleandray. I was only questioning your participating in terms of what seemed to me to be de-valuing what is going on for AK. nothing more.

ak2381

09-08-2010, 05:16 PM

So lets see if we can catch ourselves up to speed here.

I am pretty much mono although J and I have come very close. We consider ourselves girlfriends and love each other although it is on such a different level and different kind of love that I have for my husband or she has for my DH or her own DH.

She and my DH are very much in love and are together. She is also with her DH. I am with my DH alone in male/female aspect and will only be with my DH. She is very content and complete with these two men in her life. I have no interest in expanding my relationships beyond my DH other than what I have with J. I am monogamous. I still feel this is the best way to describe myself. Even when J and I are togther it is only when DH is around.

DH and J are both poly. They are together whether someone else is there or not and also have their spouses as well. I will not approach the subject of J's DH out of respect for his privacy. I will simply state that he has become a very important part of this whole equation.

We are planning to work as a unit together and temporarily live together while we prepare to move. Granted I am extremely nervous and scared but for the sake of making sure we go back to school and lead career s that we need to I know that this is the best action right now and have to have faith that everything wll be ok.

DH and I are loosing our place to live right now. DH badly wants to go back to school. I know if we sign a lease he will never take that step and I fear it will eat at him and in return eat at us and our marriage. This way we can all work together and get where we want to go.

I don't know if this is the best idea. But I do know the pros out way the cons and I am trying to approach all of this with blind faith that I will not loose my husband and that we will be happier in the end. I have to trust that he and I will work through this together. That I will not be left behind or devalued for being just the boring wife. I have to work very hard with my insecurities and jealousies so as not to destroy everything. I love my family and this unit we have built. And I love him more than words can describe. And yes I am scared shitless.
:D

ak2381

09-20-2010, 01:35 AM

Hey everyone,

Sorry it has been awhile. It has been a crazy week. We have moved into our new home with J and M. We have already had our fair share of jealousies and disagreements but with communication hopefully we can work it all out.

J and DH went on a date on Friday. They were pretty nervous as this was their first date really where it was dinner and activity that didn't involve me or M. But I think I handled things pretty well.

The kids are adjusting wonderfully. We are all still finding our roles in all of this. I am still very nervous and at the moment very concerned at how well we are all going to get through any hardships that come our way.

M and I are finding some common ground very well, especially since it is our spouses that have been the ones to fall in love. Right now I am just going to keep pushing through and pray all works out well.

I know this is a short update but I only managed to get a few minutes to get on here and talk in the last few nights. I hope all is well for others. Thanks.

Oh and any advice about combining families like this and dealing with insecurities, communication and basically anthing else is welcome.

ak2381

09-20-2010, 11:07 AM

Why is this pillow talk. Because one of the things I do when my husband goes out of town is lay in our bed holding his favorite pillow Which is what I am doing now. It usually takes me a little longer to get out of bed and I know that's pathetic. He has only been gone a couple of hours. We use to be separated months at a time. One time for a year because of school or.internships. but its never easy for me. I always cry and hold his pillow tight. He will be back in a couple of days and my daughter will be all giggles And I will be ecstatic.

Its been a long weekend. I have been reading g thru some of LR's advice to KT on her blog. They were some Good words. I've been pitting them to my own life and how there are so many new things going on. Its all hitting a little harder this morning. Here in a few minutes I will wipe the tears and take a deep breath and keep.going. I know people need me right now and I like that. This is the first time I've had to collect myseld and.really just let it all hit. (Sorry for the typos. I'm doing this from my phone) I have walked thru this house the last couple of days wondering how I am still going and all I can think is God is truly carrying me right now. And I give all credit to Him. Because I should have crumbled days agile.

But my family needs me. All of them. And I now I hear little feet so now I must go. Thanks for listening.

sage

09-21-2010, 08:17 AM

Hi Ak

I read this post this morning while I was rushing out to work and I had a little cry. I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say but it was one of those posts that drops down and starts growing thoughts throughout the day.

I feel the same way when Z goes away. It's worse when he's with J but that's not really the point. I hope KT reads this because I think there is a commonality amongst us emotional monos.

I started thinking that maybe what our relationships are telling us is that we need to learn how to love ourselves better. I know I find loving Z and caring about his needs easier than loving myself and prioritizing my own needs. I have been thinking about this a bit lately. I even resurrected my old blog http: //www.xwifez.com (http://www.xwifez.com) and wrote a post called "11 Ways I Can Love Myself More"

Poly people give and receive intimate love from more than one source. We only have ourselves and our partners so both relationships need to be in tip top conditions.

He'll be back soon. In the meantime how many ways can you come up with to love yourself better?

Smiles

Sage

KatTails

09-21-2010, 12:05 PM

AK - I too choked up when I read your blog yesterday because I know exactly how you are feeling! 2Rings doesn't travel for work - but when he stays out overnight with his g/f, I do the same thing you do - I sleep hugging his pillow and wearing a t-shirt of his. It makes me feel close to him. You feel the way you feel and there's nothing wrong with it and it's not pathetic! You are entitled to feel the way you do - you've been going through a lot the last few weeks. As long as you can dry your eyes, pick yourself up and be there for those that need you and for yourself - then you'll be fine. Text me if you need to - I'm always here for you!

Sage - you are exactly right! I don't like myself, I don't take care of myself and I put everyones needs and wants before mine. It took me a long time to realize just how damaging that is to my self-esteem and in turn to our marriage. Who I am was so wrapped up in my husband that when he fell in love with someone else - I took it all very personally and felt a lot of guilt and pain.

I read your blog (AK - I hope you will too) and agree with everything you say. It's time to give myself the ok to put my needs first occasionally and to do things that will make me a happy, positive person. When I can do that - I will be a better wife and Mother.

AK - you have blogged in the past about feeling inadequate because you aren't working and the other three are. I think you should take Sage's advice and make a list of the things you can do to make you love yourself better. I would also suggest that you make a list of the ways that you contribute to your family. I am going to do the same today.

Hang in there sweetie!

Thanks Sage!

ak2381

10-17-2010, 02:28 AM

Hey there folks. So life has been full speed ahead since we have moved into our new home. I find myself completely exhausted at times and forget to even get on the board to update what is going on.

It has been a rough transition but I think we are all finding our strides. The kids are loving having new people to play with. And our move to go back to school is in full swing. My husband has applied to his prerequisite program at WVU. J is preparing for law school. I am apparently going to be opening a restaurant someday although I have no idea what I would serve.

There have been alot of insecurities that we have all had to work through. Jealousies have been flying around here. But communication and complete and utter and quite often uncomfortable honesty has been a must have. I have found that I am more blunt now than I have ever been in the past several months. There have been questions and worries that have popped up and the only thing I have been able to do is deal with the directly by going to the source, DH and J.

J and I are actually sitting here right now taking a break from the housework and chatting. DH is off on a whitewater rafting trip. J's DH is at work. The kids are in bed. And we have been going non stop since about 7 this morning. The quiet of the night is settling in and right now we are trying to find the energy to put the finishing touches on our chores. Whew.

I know there is so much more to talk about. But it is late and The kids will be up again in only 8.5 hours! Whew again. Thanks everyone.

ak2381

10-22-2010, 04:38 PM

How can one go along just fine for weeks, even months and then bam hit a brick wall. I have been crying nonstop all day. And I don't know why really. My stress level has hit sky high. It has just felt like lately I have been trying with all I have to make sure people feel taken care and listened to. And I have been working very hard at taking everything I have learned about polyamory and putting it to use but with no success. I try compersion and no one wants it. I try communications and people would rather talk to others about what is wrong than the person they are having the problem with. I understand needing to vent and I am always here to be a shoulder but I am pretty sure I have learned on this board that in the end open communication is the key to any good open relationship. And secrets have no place, they just cause tension and hurt. J reads up on all this stuff just fine. But I wish the guys would keep up just as much.
I understand if someone did research before. But refresher courses never hurt. Isn't this how we learn to manage how we feel and to learn to forgive each other and find ways to continue to love each other. Isn't the whole point of polyamory to let love grow and evolve. So why does it have to involve so much pain and misunderstandings and fights and oh good grief I don't know what else.
I was brought into a world I didn't want. I never asked to be involved in a polyamorous relationship. It was decided for me. But instead of walking away I stayed and I learned and I opened my mind and made myself extremely vulnerable. I have come to accept this life and love the people who are in it don't get me wrong. But now it feels like I am the only one doing the talking and pushing to keep things together. I know deep down this isn't true but I look around me and I see people walking away from each other. I see frustrations and headphones and smoking and insecurities not being worded correctly but instead hurting people when they are explained. Ugh!

Ok I know I am stressed here. I have been working non stop all week. I miss my daughter like crazy. I feel like I am loosing all of my family, my husband and J and her family. I feel like I am loosing myself. I am constantly worried about everyone and I know I know, I need to worry about myself but that is not who I am. If I am not worried about the people in my life I get scared about what happens if I don't worry about them, are they going to think I don't care anymore. Its a frustrating cycle. Plus I am getting over a cold amongst other issues.

When I get completely overwhelmed I have nightmares. Sometimes, and this is a rare occasion, but sometimes I end up in such a bad nightmare my husband has to wake me up. So I am going to share my nightmare from last night because I can't get it off my mind and maybe typing it out will help.

"DH and I are standing on opposite sides of a balance beam looking at each other. He is smoking a cigarette. (He doesn't smoke in real life and neither do I.) Then J walks up to stand beside the balance beam, also smoking. (She does smoke in real life.) Then the rest of her family walks up and surrounds us, all smoking. Including her kids who are all young (none of them smoke in real life). I notice the only one missing is my two year old daughter. And I start looking around for her frantically. I can't seem to find her. And then a cloud of smoke starts rising around me and it becomes very hard to see. Next thing I knew I loose my balance and start falling into nothingness screaming while everyone is just watching me fall. I knew I needed to wake up but couldn't. That was when my DH had to pull me awake because I was having a fit."

Any dream interpreters have at it. I am sure it is a fun one for you Freudian fans out there.

I just am owning it up to my stress has hit breaking point. But I know me. My worries won't stop here. I am just frustrated and am trying so hard to make sure my loved ones know how much I care about them.

J and I have talked alot of this through today. She has already confirmed that they are all working on everything just as hard as I am and I know that they are. I am just feeling well like I have lost my balance right now. I do this sometimes. And here once I am over this I will be fine again. I just hate these times. I feel like I am letting every one down and risking loosing everyone and every thing when I hit bottom like this.