What are the benefits to being in a poly relationship?

[nikkiana]

One of the questions I seem to get asked a lot by non-poly friends after coming out to them is "What are the benefits of being in a polyamory relationship? What do you like about it?" and I think it's a good question so I figured I'd turn it over here... What do you like about being in a poly relationship?

[MonoVCPHG]

Being in a polyamorous relationship (mono/poly to be specific) with Redpepper, the advantages are huge for me!

If she wasn't genuinely polyamorous I would not get to share her love and intimacy and she would not get to share mine. I also would not have discovered friendship with her husband and a broader circle of friends. Polyamory has challenged me to work on my communication abilities in certain areas and allowed me to realize how infinitely deep I can love in an intimate way.

I have learned lots about myself and people in general. Also, there is the selfish side of me that feels freer to take the time to pursue other interests such as motor biking that I enjoy immensely. She keeps me true to my other passions besides her and I am overwhelmingly passionate about her. If I sound completely head over heals for Redpepper it is because I am...she is amazing!

[redpepper]

oh you make me sound so good monoVCPG.... heh :)
The benefits of poly for me are that I have an outlet to loving more. I am a very loving person and found in the past that I have much more to give of it than my monogamous relationships allowed. I found myself misunderstood by my partners and friends and felt trapped and held back from loving and actively caring and being compassionate for people. Loving for me is very much given in terms of physical intimacy as much as emotional and intellectual intimacy.
In my poly relationships I feel like I finally am able to feel completely at my capacity :)
Not only this but it means I have a big family and will hopefully never be alone. Something I fear.

[Penny29]

I think that one benefit is the feeling of freedom you have when you can talk or flirt with everyone you meet without feeling guilty. You have the chance to get to know more people than you probably would in a traditional relationship. But it's obvious that polyarmory bears a lot of dangers and you have to be very careful and sensitive.

[vampiresscammy]

The benefits of poly for me are that I have an outlet to loving more. I am a very loving person and found in the past that I have much more to give of it than my monogamous relationships allowed. I found myself misunderstood by my partners and friends and felt trapped and held back from loving and actively caring and being compassionate for people. Loving for me is very much given in terms of physical intimacy as much as emotional and intellectual intimacy.
In my poly relationships I feel like I finally am able to feel completely at my capacity :)

I second that Repepper!! :)

in any mono relationship i always felt something was lacking or missing, and i often found myself having feelings for more than one person and constantly berated my self for it, having never known til i was about 24 or so that was okay and i wasn't odd or wrong in some way.

now, i know what was missing, and my partners and myself are all open to following where are hearts may wander. now i am happy and don't feel like im missing something.

not to mention its wonderful to have another outlook on situations.

[River]

Imagine that you were living in a culture that expected you to be polyamorous, rather than monogamous, and which in various ways punished you for not fitting in with what that society expected and demanded of its "normal" people. Were you to feel more inclined toward a monogamous love-style, and follow your own inclinations -- despite the many challenges which would arise in being true to yourself --, would't that provide you with an opportunity to stretch, learn and grow?

I have been tremendously challenged as one growing up as a queer boy/man in a homophobic and heterosexist society, and now that I'm opening up to polyamory in a bigger way, I'm likewise being challenged by that opportunity to accept and embrace -- and unfold, express -- and love who and what I am as I am.

There are perhaps no special advantages to being polyamorous as opposed (or contrasted) to/with monoamory. But it is always good to be true to who we are in the face of unthinking adversaries and adversities.

Well, and then there's the thing about variety being the spice of life! Isn't it?! I love variety. I also love huevos rancheros for breakfast -- but not EVERY DAY, thank you!

There's no shame in my not wanting to eat huevos rancheros for every breakfast, is there?

[Danny40179]

WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE??? That's usually my response. :) I do have to clarify for a lot of people though that it's not just about the sex. (That's usually the first thing they think when they see me walk in with the wives)

It's a little bit of what everyone here has said. The communication that we all share is unparalleled by any monogamous couple we know. I'm not saying that Poly is the best way, but that's one of the most obvious perks to our lifestyle. I doubt that my love for my wife would be as deep and profound had we not started the poly lifestyle. Trust is NEVER an issue. How great is that??

We can all look at and flirt with whomever we want!! I never have to worry if I'm gonna get slapped because I looked at that girls...you get the idea. ;) I also never have to worry about jealous feelings because of that level of trust that we have.

All in all, I don't see any downsides to being in a Poly relationship. Sure, it's tougher at the start than a monogamous relationship, but as far as I'm concerned it's all worth it in the end. :)

[MonoVCPHG]

WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE???



First let me say I love the gifts polyamory has given me!
Unsurpassed:
Love
Passion
Communication
honesty
open mindedness
friendships
And above all – Redpepper (polyamory has allowed me to share with her, not given her to me LOL!)

Having said that, being a monogamous person, if it wasn't for the immense love I found in one person who happened to be a polyamorous person, I would never have considered being involved in this love style.

There is stuff I don't love about it, but my relationship is based on the intimate love of one person and caring love I have for others in her life. I don't think polyamory is worth it for me in the sense of me seeking it out, but she is worth it a thousand fold. (I won't share the things I don't love as they are negative and aren't constructive to helping therefore should remain my own. I would hate to reinforce someone else’s concerns)

I would find it hard to believe I am not the only person who loves someone enough to overcome challenges to enjoy their love in a polyamorous relationship. But there are immense challenges in monogamous relationships too, which I was unable to overcome.

So do I credit the love style or the individual with enabling me to overcome the challenges? I credit the individual with providing the determination to overcome my differences with the love style and I credit the love style for providing me the opportunity to grow.

If tomorrow I were no longer in a polyamorous relationship, I would not seek out another. That is just honesty.

I intend to put everything I have into maintaining, growing and embracing this wonderful relationship forever. We (Redpepper, her husband, her lovers, her family and me,) have something that is absolutely incredible no matter what label I apply to it.

What isn’t to love about that?!

[LovingRadiance]

Obviously each individual can only answer that for themself.

But the question came up today. Maca asked me after I pointed out to him that this month will be 1 year since the night I wrote him a letter saying I was sorry, but this was me and I couldn't pretend to do monogomy anymore.

He asked me if it had been worth it to me.
I said yes. The fact that we've finally got a REAL relationship, a REAL connection could make most anything worth it.

He wrote me back, "believe it or not its been worth it to me too".

I couldn't help but smile.

It wasn't easy. In fact, it's been hell quite a bit of the time.

However, the value of what we've found, the happiness, the security, the confidence, has all been worth the effort we had to put in.

I love you M.
I love you GG.

[redpepper]

Isn't that a never ending question? It goes on and on, life goes on and on... it isn't a static thing. It's a lifestyle that some chose or don't.

It's like asking if eating that piece of watermelon is worth it to me. It sustained me to eat it and I enjoyed it. Would I eat it again, yes. Did I need to eat it, yes. do I regret it? that doesn't make sense to the context. Was it worth it? Also doesn't make sense to the context for me.

[MonoVCPHG]

OK..so obviously my opinion is skewed but....I find myself asking this question a lot lately. Not for myself but for people who are in a primary relationship i.e. husband and wife. The back and forth happiness and sadness, peak high and peak low don't seem worth it to me but I am not poly. There rarely seems to be sustained balance or stability but perhaps this is because a lot of my exposure is with people that are struggling and the really happy established poly relationships are not apparent or visible because they are simply living it. Even with Redpepper and Polynerdist I don't get it....I still can't quite figure out why it is worth it to them and if they wanted to become "not poly" I would totally understand. I think a part of me would even be very happy because I understand the feeling monogamy gave me and associate it with calm fulfillment. Again, this is because I am monogamous and can't truly appreciate poly for what it gives them.

I'm hopeless I know :o

[LovingRadiance]

Hopelessly adorable. :)

Most of our "hell's" had nothing to do with polyamory and everything to do with getting real with ourselves.

;)

[SourGirl]

What a great question.

One that I find myself unable to answer. I guess is a 'grand scheme' kind of way, sure. It`s allowed me to be true to myself, and in turn, true to those around me.

In a more specific point-by-point way,..I have no idea!

......yet.

[Ariakas]

LR, its funny I remember you and I talking about this previously. At that time I would have written no. Not at all. I was beginning to believe I was not Poly, and finding another would never happen.

I think overall, Poly has been worth it. Pengrah naturally fits the mold and its good to see her so happy and excited over someone. In my case, it does feel natural. An extension of what I was already doing.

I had lots of female friends, I doted over them all, treating them like girlfriends, but never getting that reciprocated. And honestly never expecting it. I just like to treat the women in my life well. But it did come to a head at one point, when one of them said "I like having you around, you are like having a boyfriend, but I don't have to fuck you"...needless to say that hit me the wrong way. Thats when I realized I love, loving other people. But that I needed to start enjoying people that may love me back.

I have found someone to hopefully do that. Only time will tell :)

Poly has been one of the most tumultuous lessons in my life, but one of the best as well.

[marksbabygirl]

I believe it will be.

I have nights like last night, things are just so *right* and I can see how awesome, how amazing it will be.

The struggles so far have been enormously painful - but have pushed us to look at ourselves more honestly, to learn to communicate more effectively and whether or not poly sticks for us - THAT makes everything worth it.

So my short answer... yes :D

[Derbylicious]

Absolutely and without a doubt yes it is worth it. Although the relationship between my husband and I was never lacking we didn't discuss things in as much depth as we have since we started opening our relationship...calling it different things along the way until we found what fit for us.

Also how can something that brings wonderful people into my life not be worth it? Without starting out on this poly journey I never would have met my husband's girlfriend and her other boyfriend or PN and Mono and most importantly I wouldn't have been able to build what I am starting to build with RP.

Yes there are ups and downs but the good far outweighs any negativity.

[jkelly]

Well, since I only have poly- relationships, the question is pretty much the same for me as "Has being romantically involved with people been worth it?"; that's a yes.

To answer the question more in the spirit it was asked, I don't feel like I've lost out on anything that would have worked well for me by not making a commitment to be monogamous.

[sage]

How can you answer a question like that when you have only ever had polyamory as part of your current relationship? I suppose if it wasn't worth it I wouldn't still be here and here is the best relationship I've ever had so hey, yep I guess it is a big YES for me.

[Morningglory629]

Absolutely and without a doubt yes it is worth it. Although the relationship between my husband and I was never lacking we didn't discuss things in as much depth as we have since we started opening our relationship...calling it different things along the way until we found what fit for us.

Also how can something that brings wonderful people into my life not be worth it? Without starting out on this poly journey I never would have met my husband's girlfriend and her other boyfriend or PN and Mono and most importantly I wouldn't have been able to build what I am starting to build with RP.

Yes there are ups and downs but the good far outweighs any negativity.

Derby this pretty much sums up how I feel too! It has been worth it. For me. Tumultuous to say the least but DEFINITELY worth it. My relationship with my hubs is better because I have been able to reach a different level with him. We are communicating alot better. I appreciate his understanding and acceptance-haven't reached embracing it yet but he is working on it- and I am amazed he loves and trusts me enough to let me be happy in my relationship with 2Rings. 2Rings is the key to all of this for me. Without knowing him and exploring this really awesome and beautiful and completely honest relationship, I never would have known this kind of love with either of my loves. I thank you my darling and you truly are it for me! Love conquers all!:)

[Tonberry]

Polyamory is part of who I am. It doesn't make sense to me as a question any more than "has being white been worth it?" or something. Worth what? I didn't do anything. It just is.

Now, if the question is "has coming out been worth it?" then yes. I am honest with the people I love, at peace with who I am, and not torturing myself anymore over what's wrong with me. Coming out was worth it and has been since before my relationship with Rag stopped being monogamous de facto, and even since before I fell in love with another man. It was worth it from the start because even just my relationship with Rag was better because of it and, just as importantly, my relationship with myself as well.

[LovingRadiance]

Tonberry-

It could be worded that way. I've always been Poly-but I never knew the word.
When I found the term, I figured out that it described me.

THEN I "came out" to Maca. Really there was no "coming out" beyond that. Even that was more of a "what is the word for who you already know I am".

I was already living my life a certain way-and everyone either thought "wow she's a whore" or "well that's just LR".......

But-to what you were saying, you can use coming out as the meaning.

We were discussing was it worth the changes we made to our lives to Live honestly and truly and forthrightly instead of me cheating-which is what we had before. A sham of a marriage where I was cheating with GG on the side.... :(

[Morningglory629]

LR- yes it is worth it, the burdens are lifted. Secrets and dishonesty are so heavy to carry when denying who you are and what you really want. I am alot happier and healthier the freer I can move around in my world!;)

Toneberry good points if you are in touch with everything from the start. Some of us were well indoctrinated into thinking married life meant living in certain perameters- full stop, no wavering, black/white givens. Discovering, naming and applying a new mindset is liberating and a huge relief for those (me) living one way and being unhappy and resentful.

[Tonberry]

Yes, I was talking about my own experience. When I came out to my husband he was understanding but also clear on the fact that he was mono-wired. And little by little, he realised that he actually wasn't, although living mono wouldn't have made him unhappy. So I definitely know that while some people might know they are poly from the start, it's not the same for everyone.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hopelessly adorable. :)

Most of our "hell's" had nothing to do with polyamory and everything to do with getting real with ourselves.

;)

Oh yes !

And I think (and hope) that this sums it up perfectly for everyone who finally settles into the lovestyle. And maybe even those who don't.

Shedding illusions is seldom painless but worth the exercise - at least to me.

GS

[Morningglory629]

lovestyle. GS

Love that word!

Tonberry, I guess I am in the same boat as you as far as my husband accepting but definitely being mono-wired...a DADT scenarion mostly. My struggles are more with being open with others, and having to process rejection from bf's wife- also mono-wired but not accepting. She is definitely trying but struggles more than my spouse.

[DharmaBum23]

At the moment, I'd have to say no. I don't think it has been worth it at all.

[Ragabash]

Love that word!

Tonberry, I guess I am in the same boat as you as far as my husband accepting but definitely being mono-wired...a DADT scenarion mostly. My struggles are more with being open with others, and having to process rejection from bf's wife- also mono-wired but not accepting. She is definitely trying but struggles more than my spouse.

I think you misread a bit there, as Tonberry's husband thought at first he was mono-wired but has realised since that he would be happy either way (and I feel I can comment on what he thought in this case seeing as said husband is me :p).
It did take some mental adjustment for me to understand Tonberry's polyamoury, although it was easier as she had said some things before we were involved romanticly that lead me to suspect she was. I'd have to say it's been worth it, though, as she's much happier not trying to supress a part of herself for my sake, and I get along quite well with her BF so the jealousy issues are minor (and generally boil down to some of my anxiety issues not related to polyamoury anyways). As for myself... well, I've met someone I really like but I'm going slowly, so I'll have to see how that turns out. I suspect she knows my feelings, and she hasn't tried to dissuade me, so who knows? I'm staying optimistic, though.

[Morningglory629]

I think you misread a bit there, as Tonberry's husband thought at first he was mono-wired but has realised since that he would be happy either way (and I feel I can comment on what he thought in this case seeing as said husband is me :p).
It did take some mental adjustment for me to understand Tonberry's polyamoury, although it was easier as she had said some things before we were involved romanticly that lead me to suspect she was. I'd have to say it's been worth it, though, as she's much happier not trying to supress a part of herself for my sake, and I get along quite well with her BF so the jealousy issues are minor (and generally boil down to some of my anxiety issues not related to polyamoury anyways). As for myself... well, I've met someone I really like but I'm going slowly, so I'll have to see how that turns out. I suspect she knows my feelings, and she hasn't tried to dissuade me, so who knows? I'm staying optimistic, though.

Hi Ragabash! Glad you straightened me out on the misread. :o And really interested in your take on your mental adjustments. Honestly your answer really kind of further affirms my feeling that we have a similar path going. I am interested to know where in your journey you had a change of heart. After meeting someone, or before? When did the wiring change? Optimism makes all the difference in every life change.:D

[Ragabash]

Hi Ragabash! Glad you straightened me out on the misread. :o And really interested in your take on your mental adjustments. Honestly your answer really kind of further affirms my feeling that we have a similar path going. I am interested to know where in your journey you had a change of heart. After meeting someone, or before? When did the wiring change? Optimism makes all the difference in every life change.:D

Well, I wouldn't say so much that the wiring changed so much as I took some time to rethink some social conditioning. Before Tonberry I never knew anyone poly, so my frame of reference was limitted to say the least. I can't even say that it was meeting J, because I've known her for over a year, though not very well until the last few months.
Really, I couldn't tell you where exactly I came to realise I could be happy either way, because I don't think it was any one thing. Maybe it was Tonberry being in a relationship with Sean (her BF)? It was definitely after that I admitted to myself my interest in J. Tonberry wasn't really surprised when I told her, I'd admitted in the past that I found J attractive but at the time it didn't go further than that.
As for optimism, J is coming over for dinner tonight after work to meet Tonberry for the first time. It's just a friendly meal, I haven't expressed my interest directly to her yet, and I don't want her to feel trapped when she's here. As much as I'd like things to move faster, it's for the best that they don't, and that also gives time to slowly introduce her to the idea of being part of the relationship. If she does, then comes all the fun of Tonberry and I coming out to my parents, which will be... interesting.

[LovingRadiance]

At the moment, I'd have to say no. I don't think it has been worth it at all.

Do you care to elaborate or no?

I'm sorry. It sucks when one takes a step in life and finds that it's more pain and suffering than benefit. I feel that way right now about our aborted attempt to move. :(

[DharmaBum23]

Do you care to elaborate or no?

I'm sorry. It sucks when one takes a step in life and finds that it's more pain and suffering than benefit. I feel that way right now about our aborted attempt to move. :(

Well, it's like this.

Being poly has shown me, in painful detail, all of the flaws that I can't really do anything about and that wouldn't have come up otherwise.

I got to watch someone that I love so, so much gradually slip away from me.

I got to see the questions that used to kindof bother me and that nobody has been able to answer for over a thousand yeaers bother me even more now because of being poly.

The sex negativity that used to be only kindof an issue? With poly it's a "smack you in the face" issue. It also happens to be an issue that I can't fix unless I totally reconstruct my psyche at a deep level.

I got to realize that I am just as selfish, just as mean, and quite a bit more sadistic than most people. And I got to see that I can't do a thing to change it because it's based on a trait that everyone talks about but that I just don't have(that being that "glowing" or "happy" feeling people get when they do stuff for other people without reward. I just don't feel that. I thought I did but I just don't.).

And for that I have gotten...the ability to watch people have screaming arguments and stay calm.

I was much happier when I thought I had much more in common with Gandhi than Goebbels.

[LovingRadiance]

PLEASE feel free to tell me it's none of my business. I'm not trying to be nosy-I'm sincerely interested because I by nature look for what things can be fixed but only with a major, imaginative and unusual solution.

[QUOTE]Being poly has shown me, in painful detail, all of the flaws that I can't really do anything about and that wouldn't have come up otherwise.
Physical flaws? Mental flaws? Emotional Flaws?

I got to watch someone that I love so, so much gradually slip away from me.
? As in leave you, or as in grow distant emotionally? (I'm sorry-you likely also already wrote this stuff out somewhere on here, but I've been out of the loop with the board for the last 3 months due to having limited internet access).

I got to see the questions that used to kindof bother me and that nobody has been able to answer for over a thousand yeaers bother me even more now because of being poly.
This one I'm very interested in. There's so many questions I've had for my lifetime that I've found answers to in Poly. But there are so many more that I wonder about in regards to non-romantic relationships that are bothering me right now... I'd love to talk more on this topic.....

The sex negativity that used to be only kindof an issue? With poly it's a "smack you in the face" issue. It also happens to be an issue that I can't fix unless I totally reconstruct my psyche at a deep level.
I'm unsure what you mean by this. Is it someone else's sex negativity, your own or just in general? I'm not (I don't think) sex negative. However, I'm also not...... hmmm what's the word... I'm a little like Mono describes on here. I feel like there is a special "energy" (for lack of a better term) that I share with people I have sex with, and I'm NOT willing or interested in sharing that with "just anyone" who I find sexually attractive........ :rolleyes: scratching my head as I ponder myself....

I got to realize that I am just as selfish, just as mean, and quite a bit more sadistic than most people. And I got to see that I can't do a thing to change it because it's based on a trait that everyone talks about but that I just don't have(that being that "glowing" or "happy" feeling people get when they do stuff for other people without reward. I just don't feel that. I thought I did but I just don't.).Hmmmm, how do you define more selfish, mean, sadistic and "most people"?

I don't really grasp the full concept of what you are saying. :(

And I'm really confused as to how you thought you could get a happy feeling when you do stuff for other people but now you see that you don't... ?

And for that I have gotten...the ability to watch people have screaming arguments and stay calm. Do you mean you stay calm while other people are screaming in arguments?

I was much happier when I thought I had much more in common with Gandhi than Goebbels.I don't know who Goebbels is.

I'm sorry-now I read what I wrote and it sounds like I'm just tearing apart all that you've said; but that's not my intention at all. I'm just very interested in what you have to say.

I think it's important ESPECIALLY since I've had the experience of it being worth it for me, to take the time to understand why and how it's NOT been that for other people. Since I started this thread-and thus far you are the only one whose commented that it HAS NOT been worth it for you-I'm highly interested in your experience with it.

I hope that explains my "tone" in my questions. :o

[DharmaBum23]

First of all, your tone is just fine. Neither you nor anyone else here has ever given me any reason to doubt your good intentions and now is no execption. I apologize for my vagueness. I have a habit of over-explaining and, in order to be respectful, sometimes I underexplain.


PLEASE feel free to tell me it's none of my business. I'm not trying to be nosy-I'm sincerely interested because I by nature look for what things can be fixed but only with a major, imaginative and unusual solution.

Physical flaws? Mental flaws? Emotional Flaws?


Mental and emotional. Before I was poly I had a great deal of confidence in my virtue and in my ability to stay calm and, in a nutshell, be "good" in my own heavily Judeo-Christian influenced way of seeing things(even though I am not Christian anymore I was raised one and still have that way of seeing things in a lot of ways).

Hate was a word I used to describe what other people did. Anger was something other people felt. Not anymore. Since I became poly I've learned hate and anger and all sorts of other things.



? As in leave you, or as in grow distant emotionally? (I'm sorry-you likely also already wrote this stuff out somewhere on here, but I've been out of the loop with the board for the last 3 months due to having limited internet access).



It's ok. In a nutshell, my SO introduced a new guy into our household. We all gave him the OK with some reluctancy. He ended up connecting with her better than I did. When she wanted to get her own place, she decided she wanted to live with him over me. They have grown closer, have their own jokes, see each other most nights, and basically are like a close couple while I sit in a small apartment and wish that I was more bold in my veto rights.



This one I'm very interested in. There's so many questions I've had for my lifetime that I've found answers to in Poly. But there are so many more that I wonder about in regards to non-romantic relationships that are bothering me right now... I'd love to talk more on this topic.....


Well, the question is more of a scenario and variations of it have been pondered since Augustine and Paul of Tarsus. The question is this, "How can you reduce or eliminate the points where desire causes one to act irrationally or hurtfully?" In the Middle Ages this was one of the Big Questions as it was seen as the big stumbling block towards becoming without sin(anyone who was rational in the Middle Ages wouldn't do anything that was sinful, and yet people still sinned). In my particular case this manifests as my sex drive. If I had very little desire for sex, my challenges with poly would be insignificant at best. Such is not the case.





I'm unsure what you mean by this. Is it someone else's sex negativity, your own or just in general? I'm not (I don't think) sex negative. However, I'm also not...... hmmm what's the word... I'm a little like Mono describes on here. I feel like there is a special "energy" (for lack of a better term) that I share with people I have sex with, and I'm NOT willing or interested in sharing that with "just anyone" who I find sexually attractive........ :rolleyes: scratching my head as I ponder myself....



This sex negativity is all my own. If I was able to wipe the desire for sex out of my mind I would do so without hesitation or regret. To borrow an idea from the Greeks, if I had just agape(unconditional divine love) and no eros(erotic, sexual love), that would be wonderful.



Hmmmm, how do you define more selfish, mean, sadistic and "most people"?



More selfish in the fact that my SO being quite happy with someone does not make me any happier. The rest, I am sorry, but I can't go into too much detail about. It has to do with my SO's ex-husband. He did more to make me question my judgement about people, my faith in the idea of "basic goodness" and a lot of other things than most.



And I'm really confused as to how you thought you could get a happy feeling when you do stuff for other people but now you see that you don't... ?



I misstated there. It is more accurate to say that I found out that the happy feeling comes when I do inexpensive things(such as volunteer or give some money to charity) but when I give when it really, really hurts, all I feel is hollow and a little stupid.


Do you mean you stay calm while other people are screaming in arguments?


That's exactly it. When I first became poly and my SO and her OSO fought, they fought very, very loudly. Screaming, ranting, whole 9 yards. It put me in a dark, dark place and I would get flashbacks of when my parents would argue when I was a young man. Now if two people I love scream and throw things, as long as they don't physically hurt each other, it barely bothers me at all(or at least no more than a particularly gory crime drama like CSI).


I don't know who Goebbels is.


Joseph Goebbels (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Goebbels) Reich Minister of Propaganda for Germany, 1933-1945. About two weeks ago I saw a movie called "The Goebbels Experiment" which was basically readings from his diary. I found myself really relating to him as he talked about his life, days, and feelings(some things reminded me of things that I thought and felt, days that I lived). I also realized that when I think of the people I really admire such as Gandhi, MLK, or the Dalai Lama, that I just didn't get them. If I had remained monogamous, he would be just as much a mystery now as he was 5 years ago and I am pretty sure that I would be much happier in my ignorance.


I'm sorry-now I read what I wrote and it sounds like I'm just tearing apart all that you've said; but that's not my intention at all. I'm just very interested in what you have to say.



It's ok. One love, sister. One love.



I think it's important ESPECIALLY since I've had the experience of it being worth it for me, to take the time to understand why and how it's NOT been that for other people. Since I started this thread-and thus far you are the only one whose commented that it HAS NOT been worth it for you-I'm highly interested in your experience with it.

I hope that explains my "tone" in my questions. :o



It's ok. One thing that I want to make abundantly clear. I do not believe that my experience with poly is definitive or indicative. If anything, I consider it illustrative of the potential pitfalls of self knowledge.

[MonoVCPHG]

This sex negativity is all my own. If I was able to wipe the desire for sex out of my mind I would do so without hesitation or regret. To borrow an idea from the Greeks, if I had just agape(unconditional divine love) and no eros(erotic, sexual love), that would be wonderful.





I can relate :) Life would be way simpler LOL...Not as much fun perhaps;)

[LovingRadiance]

[QUOTE]First of all, your tone is just fine. Neither you nor anyone else here has ever given me any reason to doubt your good intentions and now is no execption. I apologize for my vagueness. I have a habit of over-explaining and, in order to be respectful, sometimes I underexplain. Hysterical! :) I hae a habit of over-explaining too! :)

It's ok. In a nutshell, my SO introduced a new guy into our household. We all gave him the OK with some reluctancy. He ended up connecting with her better than I did. When she wanted to get her own place, she decided she wanted to live with him over me. They have grown closer, have their own jokes, see each other most nights, and basically are like a close couple while I sit in a small apartment and wish that I was more bold in my veto rights.
Ouch. :( That's heartbreaking!

In my particular case this manifests as my sex drive. If I had very little desire for sex, my challenges with poly would be insignificant at best. Such is not the case.
Welll....... I think that would be true for everyone really, because if none of us desired sex... we wouldn't fight about or even care about our SO's having sex with other people.... Yes? Or am I still confused?


This sex negativity is all my own. If I was able to wipe the desire for sex out of my mind I would do so without hesitation or regret. To borrow an idea from the Greeks, if I had just agape(unconditional divine love) and no eros(erotic, sexual love), that would be wonderful.
Ok, I can't say I understand you feeling that way-but I at least do understand what you are saying about the sex negativity now. :)


More selfish in the fact that my SO being quite happy with someone does not make me any happier. The rest, I am sorry, but I can't go into too much detail about. It has to do with my SO's ex-husband. He did more to make me question my judgement about people, my faith in the idea of "basic goodness" and a lot of other things than most.

Hmmm I don't know if I agree that you are being more selfish. If my SO were quite happy with someone else to the point of minimizing our relationship I think I would not be happy either, I certainly wouldn't be happier....
It's one thing to do something simply to make someone else happy-but as we were discussing on some other thread somewhere this week-there has to be a level of give and take for a RELATIONSHIP to exist.

It is more accurate to say that I found out that the happy feeling comes when I do inexpensive things(such as volunteer or give some money to charity) but when I give when it really, really hurts, all I feel is hollow and a little stupid.
Well.... frankly I think this is not selfish or "bad" either....It would really hurt if I ran out and pushed my child from the road and I got hit by a mac truck. If I lived through it (God forbid) I think I'd feel good about it even though it really really hurt.
BUT-if I give up on having my needs met in a relationship, but stay in the relationship, just so the other person can get all of their needs met, I would feel hollow and stupid (which I know because I've done it before). Furthermore-it wouldn't be healthy for me or the other person for me to do that...


Joseph Goebbels (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Goebbels) Reich Minister of Propaganda for Germany, 1933-1945. About two weeks ago I saw a movie called "The Goebbels Experiment" which was basically readings from his diary. I found myself really relating to him as he talked about his life, days, and feelings(some things reminded me of things that I thought and felt, days that I lived). I also realized that when I think of the people I really admire such as Gandhi, MLK, or the Dalai Lama, that I just didn't get them. If I had remained monogamous, he would be just as much a mystery now as he was 5 years ago and I am pretty sure that I would be much happier in my ignorance.

Hmmmm. Ok, on that note I'm not sure if I want to look into him or not. ;)



It's ok. One thing that I want to make abundantly clear. I do not believe that my experience with poly is definitive or indicative. If anything, I consider it illustrative of the potential pitfalls of self knowledge.
Makes perfect sense to me. I think one of the key ways to avoid falling into a potential pit is to know it's there. ;) Thus all my "nosy" questions. :)

[DharmaBum23]

Hysterical! :) I hae a habit of over-explaining too! :)


TY. It is hard to reach the perfect balance, but I still try. However, I find that an assumption of good faith helps a lot. Hence why I didn't take offense. I assumed you were acting in good faith. You, it seems are doing the same. With a difficult subject it helps a great deal.


Ouch. :( That's heartbreaking!


Yeah. It would almost be easier if I didn't know how she felt and/or I didn't care for the guy in question. However, such is not the case. I used to pride myself on being able to get along well with the people that I'm not physically intimate with in poly relationships.


Welll....... I think that would be true for everyone really, because if none of us desired sex... we wouldn't fight about or even care about our SO's having sex with other people.... Yes? Or am I still confused?


You are on the right track, but it is even more than that. When I think back on my dating past, since my first kiss right up until today, every poor relationship decision I have made, without exception, is because of sexual desire. Every girl that I started dating who was a bad fit, every girl that I kept dating when I shouldn't have, every girl I stopped dating who was a good fit, all because of sex. As it stands, I am not really so concerned about my SO having sex with other people. I don't have a whole lot of emotional needs and, if worse comes to worse, I can hire a therapist. If I need physical touch, I can go to a cuddle party. Whatever the needs I have are, I can finagle, think, or buy my way out of it and it be totally ethical. Except one.

Before I was poly it was only extremely irritating because love and other people weren't on the line. With poly there are other people on the line.


Ok, I can't say I understand you feeling that way-but I at least do understand what you are saying about the sex negativity now. :)


See? It's all very internally consistent. That is not to say that I'm saying I'm 100% right, but I do claim internal consistency.


Well.... frankly I think this is not selfish or "bad" either....It would really hurt if I ran out and pushed my child from the road and I got hit by a mac truck. If I lived through it (God forbid) I think I'd feel good about it even though it really really hurt.
BUT-if I give up on having my needs met in a relationship, but stay in the relationship, just so the other person can get all of their needs met, I would feel hollow and stupid (which I know because I've done it before). Furthermore-it wouldn't be healthy for me or the other person for me to do that...



Y'see, that's the punchline. Right now I'm pretty much superfluous as far as meeting her needs. She doesn't really have any sexual needs, she has someone else she cohabitates with, and she has other people for social stuff. The primary need I fill for her is venting and mental crisis control. Much like my other female friends.



Hmmmm. Ok, on that note I'm not sure if I want to look into him or not. ;)



Well, I can sum it up for you quickly and cleanly. He is just as much of a monster as you think he is. Perhaps even more.


Makes perfect sense to me. I think one of the key ways to avoid falling into a potential pit is to know it's there. ;) Thus all my "nosy" questions. :)



Well, if I can tell you anything, it would be this. Do not assume that the worst could happen, but do not assume it won't either. Be prepared either way.

[DharmaBum23]

I can relate :) Life would be way simpler LOL...Not as much fun perhaps;)


It's true, it's true. Few things are as titilating as eros, it seems.

[LovingRadiance]

Dharma-

I don't have time to reply right at the moment.
But I wnated to quickly say-I really am enjoying talking with you!
I like your attitude and I like your sense of responsibility in conversation!

:)
It's very nice to "meet" you!!!

[redpepper]

DharmaBum23, thanks for opening up. I read with much interest.

[WildCard]

It's a relief to read that at least one other person doesn't think poly was worth it. I thought I was doing pretty well for a while, having a girlfriend in addition to my wife for almost a year. But then things blew up and I almost lost them both. The girlfriend (who I just broke up with) started demanding more and more of my time, and seemed to care less about respecting my marriage and more about getting her own needs met. I'm filled with sadness and disappointment that someone who I thought really cared about me could turn out to be so cold-hearted.

I know that my bad experience is more about one particular individual and less about poly in general, but I know that the reason I didn't see her true character sooner was because I was (and probably still am) in love with her. Trying to make rational decisions and balance multiple relationships while being crazy in love and having hot sex with a new person is really hard. The chances of error seem very high, and since I'm already in a relatively happy and stable marriage, I have a lot to lose.

Just not sure it's worth it, for me.

[PollyPocket]

But then things blew up and I almost lost them both. The girlfriend (who I just broke up with) started demanding more and more of my time, and seemed to care less about respecting my marriage and more about getting her own needs met.


I was talking about this very subject with a girlfriend (who knows) yesterday and we were talking about the 'woman' mind. She said that women just simply cannot help themselves....they want to believe in prince charming whisking them away, even though you tell them time and again, that it is not going to happen.

Think of all the countless affairs of the world, where the woman really believes that the man will leave his wife and kids for her....and some do, but some wallow in "nowhere land" for years.

Is day to day 'happiness' really that much more special than a future together? I am not sure....and I don't know what the 'other woman' is ever thinking. I think that they may be a bit broken themselves and willing to settle for second best, when many of them deserve better.

P2

[PollyPocket]

It's ok. One thing that I want to make abundantly clear. I do not believe that my experience with poly is definitive or indicative. If anything, I consider it illustrative of the potential pitfalls of self knowledge.

Love it! Self knowledge...sometimes KNOWING nothing is better! I mean really...how much effort does one have to put into something, before they pick up their marbles and go home??

I am not saying that it is TIME for me to do that yet, but I can see it on the horizon.

The books, the conversations, the therapists....seriously....wtf?? AND this is making me better how?:eek:

[redpepper]

With all due respect P2, that "woman brain" thing? Total generalization. I know many many women who would be insulted by being lumped in with all women on that one.

[PollyPocket]

With all due respect P2, that "woman brain" thing? Total generalization. I know many many women who would be insulted by being lumped in with all women on that one.

YES,you are right...that is a BROAD generalization. I apologize. Dog knows that I do NOT have a typical women's brain....um....er....most of the time! ;)

[DharmaBum23]

Dharma-

I don't have time to reply right at the moment.
But I wnated to quickly say-I really am enjoying talking with you!
I like your attitude and I like your sense of responsibility in conversation!

:)
It's very nice to "meet" you!!!

TY. I wish I could say that it was All Her Fault. But I know it isn't all her fault or even most her fault. It is either nobody's fault or my fault and both of those end up in the same responsibility bin, that being my own. I hope at some point to be "uber" enough to be able to go out and start looking again. Maybe when I can bench press a Kia(I kid, I kid). I think that if I had someone that I could be intimate with that would help a lot.

And I wish my attitude was all that. I have to shoo the "Black Dog"(Winston Churchill's nickname for depression) away quite a bit recently and it is real hard not to get bitter some days.

DharmaBum23, thanks for opening up. I read with much interest.

Thank you. I do my best with what I have. :D

[MindfulAgony]

I agree that it is a hard question to answer. So many things that have to be untangled that are not easy to disaggregate. I went through personal hell that led to self reflection and - eventually - self growth that got me to honestly look at a lot of things. Gave me the courage to recraft a life that largely ignored social convention - only part of which is about being Poly. The tumult in all of my life is both the cause and result of that honesty and growth.

For me, asking is it worth being poly is akin to asking is it worth knowing yourself? It is true that ignorance is bliss. But, I'd rather live life fully than be ignorant. Because I am much more closely in touch with who I am, what I need, and what I am feeling, I am both happier and more sad. However, I am more self-aware, fulfilled and purposeful (or "full of purpose").

Saddness is a 1000 times more tolerable in this state than it was without that self-understanding.

[PollyPocket]

It is true that ignorance is bliss. But, I'd rather live life fully than be ignorant. Because I am much more closely in touch with who I am, what I need, and what I am feeling, I am both happier and more sad. However, I am more self-aware, fulfilled and purposeful (or "full of purpose").

Saddness is a 1000 times more tolerable in this state than it was without that self-understanding.

It is so strange for me to have put myself in this situation....I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would do this??!

BUT, I have to agree, that the whole experience is where it is at...and if somehow, the experience opens me up to more confidence and self-actualization and understanding...then maybe, just maybe it will have been worth it.

The trouble is....how do we know until we are able to have such hindsight?

For now, I will try to invite the moments and be in the present and to NOT freak out if I don't know/understand what the hell is going on!! :p

P2

[inlovewith2]

Hopelessly adorable. :)

Most of our "hell's" had nothing to do with polyamory and everything to do with getting real with ourselves.

;)

LR,

Isn't that just it? Polyamory is a ticket, really--to self-discovery, to learning about your partner, to so many things.

Honestly, prior to this past year, most people didn't believe how close and in love DW and I were. And yet, he reflected this weekend, we were on auto-pilot and this polyamory journey has put our relationship back as central where it belongs.

I'm so very happy for you all, LR!

[Breathesgirl]

So far the journey has been worth it!

The last few months have been some yes & no but for the most part yes.

I'm missing the compersion factor though. Breathes doesn't currently have another & is unhappy about it (won't admit that it's bothering him but I can see it in his eyes & hear it in his laughter).

[redpepper]

I think how much it's worth it is due to how much one puts into it... I mean positive work... not work that is a detriment to others. Work that makes lives better and that is giving and accepting and nourishing. That means a lot of negotiating and being on top of emotions and what is going on for ourselves... but that is what makes it worth it. knowing how to do that.

If my poly relationships ended and I went back to monogamy, then what would be worth it is how much I have learned about myself, other humans and what capacity I am able to love. That is what makes it worth it. I would use what I know to better the world, be an activist in someway for change towards a healthier planet.. of course I can do that anyway.. so it's all good. ;):p:D

[DrunkenPorcupine]

I credit the journey into an open marriage (and on my side, polyamory specifically) as what ultimately ended my marriage.

Or more specifically, introducing other people into my life romantically and intimately, and my wife finding sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage, caused out relationship to ramp up and get more intense in every aspect.

Some of the best sharing I've ever done with my wife, and her with me, came shortly after we opened. Some of the most loving, concerned moments.

At the same time, some of the biggest flaws in our relationship also became extremely apparent and it was those flaws that ultimately caused us to separate.

I don't believe poly DESTROYED out relationship though, I think it just made the inevitable conclusion happen faster.

So yes, I think poly for me has been worth it. I'm far more honest with myself and with my partners about what I want and expect in a relationship because of it, because I know avoiding or even simply not knowing eats away at things very quickly when the intense emotions of open dynamics are at play.

[sage]

I've been following this thread for awhile and it's only just occurred to me the difference for me and the other replies.

Poly is worth it for me because Z is worth it for me. I guess that would be the bottom line for most monos in the poly world? LOL! not Z but there own poly partner.

[GroundedSpirit]

Some of the best sharing I've ever done with my wife, and her with me, came shortly after we opened. Some of the most loving, concerned moments.

At the same time, some of the biggest flaws in our relationship also became extremely apparent and it was those flaws that ultimately caused us to separate.



Well spoken Porcupine,

I think this is maybe the most common set of experiences when people open up a marriage/existing relationship.

The closeness and sharing will always leave fond reminders of what CAN be - AND the fact it CAN be that way outside the whirlwind of the NRE phase.

The honesty required that you speak of is so often suppressed in relationships and it's almost like a weight off your back(s) when something (in this case openness) forces that level of honesty into action. Again, this is the type of thing that leaves a solid lesson in place for the future on how successful relationships need to function.

Well put !

GS

[Morningglory629]

I've been following this thread for awhile and it's only just occurred to me the difference for me and the other replies.

Poly is worth it for me because Z is worth it for me. I guess that would be the bottom line for most monos in the poly world? LOL! not Z but there own poly partner.

Good point Sage for the mono pov!;)

[Morningglory629]

I credit the journey into an open marriage (and on my side, polyamory specifically) as what ultimately ended my marriage.

Or more specifically, introducing other people into my life romantically and intimately, and my wife finding sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage, caused out relationship to ramp up and get more intense in every aspect.

Some of the best sharing I've ever done with my wife, and her with me, came shortly after we opened. Some of the most loving, concerned moments.

At the same time, some of the biggest flaws in our relationship also became extremely apparent and it was those flaws that ultimately caused us to separate.

I don't believe poly DESTROYED out relationship though, I think it just made the inevitable conclusion happen faster.

So yes, I think poly for me has been worth it. I'm far more honest with myself and with my partners about what I want and expect in a relationship because of it, because I know avoiding or even simply not knowing eats away at things very quickly when the intense emotions of open dynamics are at play.

Interesting perspective here. Maybe not wholly positive but worth it for the exploration of the level of connectedness in relationship.

[MonoVCPHG]

Good point Sage for the mono pov!;)

I think the love of one person is not only why it is worth, but it is the only reason it is.

[redpepper]

Drunken, thanks for coming back and telling us what's been happening. I'm sorry for this end but with end there is beginning and it sounds like you are better for it in the end.

[Lemondrop]

Isn't that a never ending question? It goes on and on, life goes on and on... it isn't a static thing. It's a lifestyle that some chose or don't.

It's like asking if eating that piece of watermelon is worth it to me. It sustained me to eat it and I enjoyed it. Would I eat it again, yes. Did I need to eat it, yes. do I regret it? that doesn't make sense to the context. Was it worth it? Also doesn't make sense to the context for me.

I read some of the replies, but this is a long thread so I skipped. :) Sorry if I'm repeating what someone else said.

Redpepper, I think, taking the analogy of the watermelon, that you're missing the question, was it worth it to eat the watermelon instead of sticking only to oranges for the rest of your life? :P

Mono, you gave me the impression that you don't feel like Redpepper and Polynerdist have a sense of calm fulfillment from their relationship. I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant, but if it was, can you elaborate? I got the impression that Redpepper, and you as well, felt pretty fulfilled.

As for me, the answer is yes. Poly has been full of pain and depression for me. But, it brought understanding into my life that had been lacking before. The communication skills I've learned have saved my marriage. The self-knowledge I've gained has taught me what exactly I needed that I couldn't ask for before. I've filled gaping holes in my life, holes that I was looking into but couldn't for the life of me find a way to fix, because I didn't know what I needed. I feel like a more mature adult now and I'm happier with who I am. I think the communication skills have also made me a better parent, and they're definitely skills I want my kids to have.

[redpepper]

@lemondrop- I said what I said because it would be like asking me if eating is worth it. I can eat whatever I want, but in that I have likes and dislikes, food that I know isn't good for me, food that others eat and I don't (meat). I guess it was never a choice for me, I just had to realize. Short answer, "yes" its worth it, because I wouldn't be me.

[MonoVCPHG]

Mono, you gave me the impression that you don't feel like Redpepper and Polynerdist have a sense of calm fulfillment from their relationship. I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant, but if it was, can you elaborate? I got the impression that Redpepper, and you as well, felt pretty fulfilled.

.

Remembering that I am not only verymono in nature but I have a very traditional background, I have a hard time seeing calm fulfillment in any poly relationship. I have no doubt that this is because I truly can't understand what it feels like to be poly. I don't mean this to sound negative, it is my honest observation :o

The more I think about this the more I realize my perception is skewed by what I would want in a primary relationship. Poly is not it. That is another reason that fostering and promoting the relationship between Redpepper and Polynerdist is in my best interest...I won't allow myself to feel as though I am a primary partner because I see him as her primary. It's a weird mechanism to enable me to be in a mono/poly relationship but it works in a way that makes me feel happy and healthy so I don't question it :)

As a side note....I do not feel lacking in any way. I don't need the idea of a "primary" as in a mono partner. I already had one of those, that need has been filled :) I love the way my relationship works for it's differences as well as it's similarities.

[Ragabash]

I'd commented that I'd post if poly has been worth it for me once I knew better how things would go with J, and I'm quite sure I know now that she's not interested. The emotions are still raw and fresh, I feel stupid for believing in false hopes and seeing signs that weren't there, and I hate having to bottle my emotions up at work through the day. I've thought to myself "wasn't this supposed to be over when I got married" about the emotional rollercoaster.

So in the end, I think I have my answer about whether all the pain and regret I'm feeling right now was worth it, and will be worth it if I go through it again.


Yes.

[Morningglory629]

So in the end, I think I have my answer about whether all the pain and regret I'm feeling right now was worth it, and will be worth it if I go through it again.


Yes.

Wow! Way to keep things in perspective and really progressive! <<hugs>> :)

[Ragabash]

Wow! Way to keep things in perspective and really progressive! <<hugs>> :)

I've never once in my life regretted the emotions that came with falling for someone, I'm not about to start now. It might not have turned out well in the end, but I had a happy summer believing it could. I'll take that for what it's worth.

[maca]

Well yesterday was our one year anniversary of being Poly. We had a hugh blow out and it dam near ended in divorce. Is being poly worth it? I believe it is but I will say its not easy or the "magic pill".

Like everything in my life, its a never ending learning process.



Maca

[Derbylicious]

Well yesterday was our one year anniversary of being Poly. We had a hugh blow out and it dam near ended in divorce. Is being poly worth it? I believe it is but I will say its not easy or the "magic pill".

Like everything in my life, its a never ending learning process.



Maca

Was the blow out a year ago or yesterday? I'm assuming it was a year ago, am I right?

[ThatRomanticGeek]

Well, I'll throw my opinion in.

Anybody who's been following my threads over in the "New to Poly" forum knows it's been a journey for me.

Long story short, I don't think I'm wired for poly. I think I'm wired for mono. But I love seeing my wife be honest and open with herself. She's kept this buried deep down for years, saying she felt happy enough. Now that she's out of the poly closet, we've had a lot of fun and connection and, I think, have really learned to respect each other in a new light. I don't want her to go back.

That said, I just had a really painful breakup (http://www.yourtango.com/201082908/open-marriage-and-one-got-away) with a girlfriend because I'm married. She's mono, and she knew I was married, but she couldn't deal with that. I treated my relationship with her as more-or-less mono (I tried not to remind her I was married) and I found that what I had with her is the kind of relationship I want.

So it's a bit of a tricky place. I love my wife, I love seeing her be herself, and I'm not in any hurry to leave, but at the same time, I do feel a little like I'm missing something. I could probably satiate that sensation somewhat with another poly relationship, but I don't know if I'll ever feel completely fulfilled. My wife and I accept this about each other, and if the day comes where we need to deal with that, we'll deal with that then.

[kymberleea]

Hopelessly adorable. :)

Most of our "hell's" had nothing to do with polyamory and everything to do with getting real with ourselves.

;)

I keep praying to find my poly situation so far no such lucky each time i think its possible something happens to mess things up but i keep being positive and learning is it worth it to me yes i think so in the long run i am hopeful that some day i can attend a poly meeting and be like hey you guys and say yep it was a struggle but in the long run we are happy and it was worth it will it happen yepppers i am positive that someday some way it will for me too just takes time and lots and lots of patience and the right kind of people to fall in place for me


kym the hopeless dreamer

[PollyPocket]

We are all so wired to think that we have to go through absolutely knee deep shit (sorry) in order to have some sort of personal growth or to gain that elusive self knowledge! Maybe, just maybe, we don't, and if we were more happy more of the time, instead of riding the heroin high then crashing in a ditch somewhere, curled up in the fetal position, the journey would be MORE pleasurable for everyone!

Just sayin.... ;)

Apologies in advance for the random thought....and graphic analogies! Feeling a bit full of it today....
P2

[LovingRadiance]

Was the blow out a year ago or yesterday? I'm assuming it was a year ago, am I right?

No, it was this Saturday.
:(

[LovingRadiance]

good graphic analogy.

I personally agree with you PP.

Seriously feel like if there was more "just live your life" and less "this is how it's SUPPOSED to be",

we could avoid a LOT of stupid pain and misery.

[Ariakas]

hmmm...I know I have answered this, and at some point this new opinions may change, but my current opinion is this...

I look at this question like "was it worth it to be straight"...

well..since I am not anything else, yes it has been worth it to be straight...and the same is true for poly. :)

[LovingRadiance]

Ari-this is true in terms of "I am therefore accepting that I am is all I could do".

But I meant it more in terms of has agreeing to LIVE A POLYAMOROUS LIFE been worth it.

I am polyamorous by nature-but trying to take THIS relationship to a polyamorous life has been a nightmare. I'm sure starting a relationship from a polyamorous stand would be easier and less traumatic than taking a "monogomous marriage" to the stage of a "cheating marriage" then to a "polyamorous family".

Does that make more sense?

[Fayerweather]

Totally worth it!

Before Polyamory, I was jealous, possessive and controlling. I felt that I had to cling to people in my life to keep from losing them. I was so affraid of loss that I often dated men who were damaged or weak or much less likely to leave me.

After Polyamory, I've learned to love not only my partners, but my friends and family without control. I let my partners live their lives in a way that gives them total freedom and they do the same for me. I've learned to trust the deep connections I make with others and that they can't be destroyed because the one I love loves someone else. I've learned that love isn't in a limited supply and that there is more than enough for all of us who seek it.

I now see jealousy as a red flag that indicates that there's something I need to take care of in myself and I've learned to stop projecting my fears or my needs onto others. I am now responsible for fulfilling my own needs. When I feel jealousy and anxiety, I learn. When I stumble and fall, I learn. When I feel joy and love, I learn.

So, how can I ever say that Polyamory isn't worth it? It has made me the person I am today and I love that person. Best wishes to all of you out there. :D

[SourGirl]

If I go by the meaning LovingRadiance set forth, ....I`m not sure I`ll be able to answer that, until the last kid leaves the house, and sets off for their own course in the world. lol

If my children ever got chased by 'the villagers with all their pitchforks' due to my poly choices, I would most definetly say it wasn`t worth it. :(

Question is,..how much fear-mongering is that in reality ? I`m not so sure anymore, that it is as big a threat as I once believed it was.

So,...I guess I still can`t answer this question.

[Ariakas]

Does that make more sense?

YEs.

As a currently married man without kids, I can't say I have had any problems. Everyone close to me already knew I was open, poly is just an extension of that. It does take some explaining but I don't suffer from backlash.

Moving forward, here are my potential BIG bumps.

1 - having kids etc. I think I can understand potential backlash. That will be a tough balance to work with.

2 - Beyond that, the "living with" stage at this point is not on the books. So I can't think that far ahead and into fantasy.

3 - Coming out to family, well I did that with my cousin it went decently. Beyond my cousin I am really the blacksheep in my family. So I am only concerned with my mom. Who is the most accepting person on the planet. She would take this information and simply love whoever I love, as long as they make me happy.

So for me the answer is still the same, poly has been worth it. Ask me again in 5 years when Pengrah and I have a kid together ;) :)

Ari

[LovingRadiance]

Superjast-
very sensible answer.
If that happened in our life-it would certainly change my answer as well.
Fortunately, since we're OUT to everyone, and that has not only not occurred, but in fact there's been little to no negative reaction at all;
I'm not overly concerned.
:)

[LovingRadiance]

Ari-you always make me smile!

When you two have a kid I'll be much too busy congratulating you on your beautiful little one!

;)

[Ariakas]

I
Question is,..how much fear-mongering is that in reality ? I`m not so sure anymore, that it is as big a threat as I once believed it was.

So,...I guess I still can`t answer this question.

I believe there is a lot of fear mongering. Its a power in the hiddeness of the act in some ways. Of course I don't live this by experience but most people I have told shrug it off and say big deal.

But I don't have the risk of kids, or family that matters. I feel for you in any future decision making sweety...<<hugs>>

[SourGirl]

Yes,..Fear mongering alone, can stop people.

When you have kids, many times you feel, that even a 0.5 % chance of being found out, is to high a stake.

For me, I love the community I live in. So many positives. It would be a tough call, to come out in such a conservative place. For now, the benefits of staying quiet, outweigh anything else.

Though I am starting to wonder about being more open around family and vanilla friends. It all ties into each other, so it can be hard to negotiate.

Time has a way of taking care of these things. :)

Sorry for going off topic LR.

[LovingRadiance]

I'm notorious for going off topic-please feel free to conversate.
:D

[PickMoreDaisies]

It's amazing to me that I always find exactly what I am looking for on this forum.

Lately I have been feeling that it is not worth it. I hear people talk about how their relationships have grown from being poly....I already had an amazing relationship and we had/have amazing communication. I never looked outside my relationship for any piece that was missing. We both have the ability to love other people and we both knew that from the start of our relationship. We choose to practice monogamy for a long time, 6 years of it, and only opened our marriage up in the last 2 years.

I have had one failed outside relationship that lasted a year and many dating failures. He has yet to find someone that he truly connects with as he works all the time and we are raising three teenagers (ahhh the angst!!)

I find that deciding to date other people has taken focus away from our family; that the inherent stress and complications and constant communication actually detracts from having FUN with our family. Dating is hard and takes a lot of focus....at least for me it does. Sometimes I think that I have better things to focus on...my great husband and our great kids!

Note: take all this with a grain of salt....I have been bummed about poly for a few weeks now...

[SNeacail]

It's amazing to me that I always find exactly what I am looking for on this forum.

Lately I have been feeling that it is not worth it. I hear people talk about how their relationships have grown from being poly....I already had an amazing relationship and we had/have amazing communication. I never looked outside my relationship for any piece that was missing. We both have the ability to love other people and we both knew that from the start of our relationship. We choose to practice monogamy for a long time, 6 years of it, and only opened our marriage up in the last 2 years.

I have had one failed outside relationship that lasted a year and many dating failures. He has yet to find someone that he truly connects with as he works all the time and we are raising three teenagers (ahhh the angst!!)

I find that deciding to date other people has taken focus away from our family; that the inherent stress and complications and constant communication actually detracts from having FUN with our family. Dating is hard and takes a lot of focus....at least for me it does. Sometimes I think that I have better things to focus on...my great husband and our great kids!

Note: take all this with a grain of salt....I have been bummed about poly for a few weeks now...

My opinion: Being poly doesn't mean you have to always have another person in you lives or be constantly looking. The way I see it, is that it means you are open to the idea of another if the person or opportunity presents itself.

Enjoy your family, go on dates with your husband and before you know it, the kids will be off on their own and you will have more time than you know what to do with. Who knows what tomorrow or next year will bring.

[PickMoreDaisies]

Thanks for that reply Sneacail =) Maybe that's all I need to do....just BE for awhile....

[sage]

Sometimes I think that I have better things to focus on...my great husband and our great kids!


I agree with S Neal about polyamory being an openess rather than a quest (or that's how I took it).

One of the reasons polyamory is worth it for me is that it keeps me (or at least seems to) in a constant state of appreciation for the relationship I have. I see so many relationships around me where complacency and taking each other for granted are like a kind of cancer that eats away at the health of the relationship.

[redpepper]

My thoughts lately are that poly really is shit for most people. I really think that most of the time people need to work on themselves more and then their relationship with ONE person. Adding more people just seems to make blatantly obvious what is not dealt with with the person and then their one relationship. Of course people might think I am referring to them specifcally but I really am not. I am noticing this everywhere right now. I think its the fact that its a change of season... change brings shit with it... which means there is a need to work on stuff.

[Derbylicious]

My thoughts lately are that poly really is shit for most people. I really think that most of the time people need to work on themselves more and then their relationship with ONE person. Adding more people just seems to make blatantly obvious what is not dealt with with the person and then their one relationship. Of course people might think I am referring to them specifcally but I really am not. I am noticing this everywhere right now. I think its the fact that its a change of season... change brings shit with it... which means there is a need to work on stuff.

But people tend to come out the better for it at the other end.

[redpepper]

But people tend to come out the better for it at the other end.I guess so because I believe we are all better off looking at ourselves and really, poly makes us face ourselves.

[Tonberry]

I think that's the case of relationships in general. I notice everywhere around me that some people are just not good at relationships, be it with one person or more. I guess if you put in more people who are bad at it, the results can be more catastrophic. On the other hand, you might need only one person who is good at it to "train" the others, too.

[GroundedSpirit]

I find that deciding to date other people has taken focus away from our family; that the inherent stress and complications and constant communication actually detracts from having FUN with our family. Dating is hard and takes a lot of focus....at least for me it does. Sometimes I think that I have better things to focus on...my great husband and our great kids!

Note: take all this with a grain of salt....I have been bummed about poly for a few weeks now...

I can see where that would come from Daisies.
The whole concept of 'dating' and all that seems to go with that really - to me at least - isn't a particularly good way to approach expanded relationships.
At from that perspective - of course it steals time ! Any extra curricular activity will have to borrow time from somewhere else.

This is a big part of why we always try to fold someone new into our life as much as possible rather that try to set up separate - and competing - events taking time. And we feel it's more illustrative for someone new to get a feel for what our life and routine are on a given day before drowning in NRE and missing the reality.

GS

[marksbabygirl]

My thoughts lately are that poly really is shit for most people. I really think that most of the time people need to work on themselves more and then their relationship with ONE person. Adding more people just seems to make blatantly obvious what is not dealt with with the person and then their one relationship. Of course people might think I am referring to them specifcally but I really am not. I am noticing this everywhere right now. I think its the fact that its a change of season... change brings shit with it... which means there is a need to work on stuff.

I agree.

We thought we had a really good, strong relationship.

Opened to poly and discovered how much required work. We've done the work, but not without paying a fairly hefty price...

I still feel poly is worth it. I discovered that my husband is very much poly-wired, and I'm more than happy to support him. I'm still figuring out myself - while I can *see* myself being poly - I also can see myself being mono. So maybe I"m somewhere in the middle?

Overall - poly is worth it if everyone has patience and compassion for everyone else involved in the situation :)

[inlovewith2]

DW had said that if given the opportunity (R would not communicate with him; I am no longer dating him as a result), he would thank R. I was a bit shocked and asked him to elaborate and he said that we are so much closer than we ever were--that even we were coasting in neutral and that this has taken our relationship to new heights (a paraphrase of course).

For me, I would add the opportunities to learn--even though two people that I've dated have fallen to the wayside, I learned a lot about them and myself. Not to mention wonderful people in our lives--my boyfriend B and DW's girlfriend K. We would never have known them had it not been for our exploration into poly and they have both enriched out lives in so many ways.

In short, a resounding yes from our camp!!! We hope to be posting more of an update as well as a plethora of questions as our relationships deepen!!!

:)

[Ragabash]

As Tonberry and I mentioned in our blog, one of the advantages is that if someone doesn't feel the same about you as you do about them you can keep a place for them in your life without feeling like you're holding your life still on that hope.

[Tonberry]

On top of what Raga mentioned (keeping a place in your heart for someone without needing to put your life on hold) I think a big thing is the constant support. It's like being part of a big family where everyone cares for everyone and helps everyone through things. When you're used to being all alone even wen surrounded by people, it means a lot to have partners or metamours you can trust, feel close to or just tell anything to.
Also, in a monogamous relationship, you can't ever share the giddiness of falling in love again, or be comforted when turned down. Not by a partner, at least, only by a friend, and as good as friends are, partners allow you to remember that there are people who did love you the way you were, and still do, and therefore you're not defective or flawed when you get rejected. It's so easy to feel bad about yourself when you are rejected, but existing partners allow you to feel more secure about yourself and take things better.

[Germaine72]

the benefits for me being in a poly relationship...good question
i always was a monogamus lady in my relationship with my husband...but somehow felt there was something missing..not for me, but for him...so i told him it would be ok to me if he would find a GF, but that i wanted to be open about everything with that, and that the lady and i would meet eachother, and know eachother.
my husbands jaw dropped when i told him this...he never expected this from me
but i told him, that this would work 2 ways...if i would find somebody myself, i should have his aproval as wel.

he had to think for some time about the proposal i made, and before everybody asks..nope we didnt have a bad relationship at al, and this wasnt something i did to "save" my marriage, because my marriage was and stil is wonderfull.
i just thought this was something that cpuld broaden our world, and since im bisexual, have allot of opportunities for us..

after some time, and allot of talking, we decided to find a pretty lady for him, which we did, and i loked her very much, they had lots of fun together, and i loved hearing his excitement when he got home from her, because i got excited by that to. sadly this relationship ended when she found a BF, who wasnt into poly. at the moment my husband doesnt have an relationship with somebody else, but is perfectly fine with that,and he always says to me, that he is happy because im happy..:)

few weeks later i found my current BF..a sweet guy, single, no time for a steady relationship because of the job he had, but looking for somebody that he could feel like home with, without any attachments. he knows my husband, and they are ok with eachother.
he is my best friend, and we talk to eachother everyday, on msn ,on phone, etc, and every few weeks, we have an evening for ourselves in his house. and when i get home, back to my husband.i feel sooooo loved..and i feel soooo in love with my husband..its strange to discribe

ofcourse, if i would tell people about my BF , it would not be accepted from the most of them..and because my husband and i have a beautifull daughter, we keep it quiet for her as wel...because i think she has to find out for herself what she wants in life, and not being influenced from me and my husband..or being bullied about that from other people.


so..what have i got out of this? a happy husband, who knows that im not jealous if he looks at other woman, and even encourage him if he finds someone cute,
a happy boyfriendm which tells me that he never would have dreamed to sleep with a lady like me, who loves me, respects me, and makes me feel happy, and i make him feel happy as wel.
overal....im a happy happy person, i love my 2 men, and they love me! the 3 of us are happy with the relationship we are in..and thats the only thing that counts!


sorry for opening op like this....but im happy i found this forum, and finaly can tel people about the relationships i have, without being judged...

thanx all