New to poly

[Mark1npt]

Hello everyone......I'm looking to see if anyone has experience with our type of setup.......my wife and I have been married for 27 years, kids are out of the house but not out of the area. Wife's best friend of 25 years and very good friend of mine is now divorced living with us in a poly relationship. It is strictly one man/one woman (at a time). There is no desire on anyone's part to make sex a three-way.....or to ever have any other partners in our triad. I guess you could say we all have a great deal of love for one another and embraced the idea of a monogomous triad. Does anyone have similar experiences to share? My wife is still having a difficult time for moments here and there but generally is very supportive. It's just so new to all of us. We try to communicate as much as possible but there are still times we don't do enough. Does anyone else live this way and survive healthy and happy?

[River]

I guess you could say we all have a great deal of love for one another and embraced the idea of a monogomous triad.

The word "triad" (also, "triangle") is generally used by people within the polyamory "community" to refer to a situation in which three people are each loving, "romantic" and sexual partners with each of the others in the grouping of three. A grouping of the sort you described is known as a "V", with the top two ends of the V shape indicating your two women lovers and the point of the V being yourself. A triad (or triangle) would have a line crosing at the top, indicating that all are "romantically" involved with one another.

When more than two people practice "fidelity," it is known as polyfidelity, rather than monogamy of any sort. "Monogamy is the state of having only one husband, wife, or sexual partner at any one time." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monogamy

Are the two women in your arrangement free to have other partners if they wish? That's something to consider, since you are uniquely the beneficiary of the multiple partner situation you have--at least in some respect. I'm all for what you have so long as everyone is truly happy with it. But I can't say much from experience on your situation, because most of my loverly relationships have been with other men, and the dynamic is just different -- mainly due to gender enculturation and issues. Example, men together as lovers don't have any trouble worring about sexist attitudes manifesting as power issues based on who has what sort of plumbing.

[Mark1npt]

Thanks for the input. I guess being new to this alternative lifestyle, I was bound to use the wrong terminlogy somewhere. I totally understand the "V" now. Yes, the women are free to find another male partner, but it appears neither one of them is all that interested. I used the "monogomous" wording because each of the women here are monogomous in their relationship with me.

[MonoVCPHG]

This comment is with all due respect, JRiverMartin,

I find your resistance to the word monogamous interesting. I understand the politics to some degree but find nothing wrong with the word monogamous and use it with pride when I speak of my own polyamorous relationship. The same pride is invoked when I speak of my polyamorous Lover. Wikipedia even states and I quote your own quote
"Monogamy is the state of having only one husband, wife, or sexual partner at any one time"

That is my case and the case of his two lovers to him. I don't see the ambiguity.
With all respect.

[Quath]

I think it is good to work out the terms. It avoids so much confusion when people are saying something and it sounds like something else.

I commonly hear poly/mono couple to imply that one of the people is open to outside relationships while the others is not looking nor desires one. It doesn't mean that the poly one is really dating someone else and it doesn't mean that the mono person will never date someone outside the relationship.

At least that is the way I have heard it portrayed.

[Mark1npt]

Thanks for the input Mono....that's really about how I've felt with this lifestyle. We are all monogomous at that moment in time. One of the issues we're going thru now in this "V" is my wife can't help but wonder if the 2 of them (women) are going to be enough for me going foward. I have assured each of them, they are, however I guess my wife's insecurity in dealing with this arrangement after 27 years of having me to herself, leads her to think this way. I can't blame her and have reassured of this numerous times in our open communication sessions. I guess with the passage of time this will get easier for her to accept, enjoy, deal with? Any input?

[River]

I find your resistance to the word monogamous interesting.

I have no resistance to the word at all when it is used to designate a situation or thing that resembles the dictionary definition--or how the word is generally used. A man is monogamous only when he has just one lover or spouse. If he has two or more lovers and spouses at the same time, with whom he practices 'fidelity', that's not monogamy he's practicing, but polyfidelity. My saying so is not "resistance" but merely pointing out a fact found in dictionaries. Facts are not mere opinions and my pointing them out is not a personal ... preference.

[MonoVCPHG]

JRiverMartin,
I think we are agreeing on this for the most part.."A man is monogamous only when he has just one lover or spouse" This is in fact my case.

To be clear this is the dynamic of my mono/poly relationship. I have and want only want one lover. I am not open to sharing that intimate love for anyone else but her because that is how I love. My lover is polyamorous and intimately loves more people than me. She has the personal choice to consider adding more.

It does mean that I will never date outside of this relationship unless the intimate nature of it changed...that's a part of my monogamous nature.

Mark1pnt,
I too had similar concerns about the addition of new lovers and the uncertainty of wondering if any number of lovers would ever be enough for her.

I have chosen not to worry about this issue any more and just enjoy her to the fullest, with abandon. This took a lot of communication and allowing myself to be vulnerable.

If I continued to play the "what if" game or saw a new relationship forming around every corner, I could not stay in this relationship because I would honestly go insane LOL!! I did feel comforted when my lover told me there actually was a cap..I'm not saying I am it but it felt good regardless.

There are things she does not have and I understand those and want her to have them....I would step back if that is what it took to make her happy to the fullest extent.

I know how important I am; she knows how import she is, we both know how fortunate we are..all of us, everyone in her and my life.

[River]

MonoV...,

Mark... said "I guess you could say we all have a great deal of love for one another and embraced the idea of a monogomous triad."

By definition, a triad is a polyamorous relationship, and Mark... is practicing polyamory (and is, himself, polyamorous). My comments were in no way disparaging of anyone who considers himself monogamous while also involved with a polyamorous person, such as yourself.

What Mark... has and wants, according to his words, is a polyfidelitous "V".

[Mark1npt]

JRM, I do appreciate your clarification.....again, is there anyone or any resource out there that I can turn to for guidance regarding this polyfidelitous "V" relationship? Thanks

[River]

Mark,

I think most of the useful advice concerning polyamorous relationships and their unique challenges, etc., is universally useful. But some of it concerns unique or particular situations or conditions. I don't have enough experience with heterosexual loving relationships to feel that I'm familiar with the nuances of those which differ from my experience as a queer man. (I'm bi-, and although I had a brief loverly relationship with a woman, all of my long term loves have been male.) So, I'm hoping the poly heteros in here will chime in with guidance for you and your two women lovers.

Anyway, there is tons of stuff on polyamory to be found on the internet. Try a www.google.com search of polyamory, polyfidelity, V.... Also, there are a bunch of books on the topic, and some of them are mentioned and discussed in our topic in here on books, magazines, websites....

I'd be happy to answer any particular questions which you may have about polyamorous practice -- though it will all be uniquely from my perspective. I think most of the insights I have on the subject probably apply to all sorts of configurations and gender mixes.

Do your lovers experience any jealousy toward one another, or fear of loss, insecurity..., related to your non-conventional lovestyle? Are there particular problems which need addressing?

[MonoVCPHG]

I agree JRM; he is in fact in a polyamorous relationship as am I. I may have got hung up on identifying the monogamous nature of myself and his partners and did not focus on the larger polyamorous nature of both relationship structures.

I also recognize your accurate description of his "v" relationship which reflects my own. The difference being in " The word "triad" (also, "triangle") is generally used by people within the polyamory "community" to refer to a situation in which three people are each loving, "romantic" and sexual partners with each of the others in the grouping of three. " Which validates sex as a core component in polyamory. Thank you for this clarification.

[River]

MonoV,

Things are actually just a little more complex than you may realize. This is because it is NOT the case that all "romantic relationships" or even "passionate bonded relationships" have a sexual component, per se.

While it is less common, and less commonly understood, today in America and in the world/west...-- as contrasted with, say, the 19th century --, there is a tradition of "romantic friendship" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_friendship . This tradition makes me wonder whether it is at all proper to call people "lovers" simply because they have a sexual relationship. After all, many sexual relationships aren't all that damn loving.

So sex, again, isn't the most central or core thing in polyamory. Love is. Whether a group is a V or a triangle, I suppose, depends more on the quality of love than the quantity of sex between the participants.

[Mark1npt]

JRM...Do your lovers experience any jealousy toward one another, or fear of loss, insecurity..., related to your non-conventional lovestyle? Are there particular problems which need addressing?

Wife has some issues...she's trying to figure out why I'm so happy now and she's feeling a little badly that after 27 years she was not able to be everything and more to keep me totally happy and fulfilled all by herself. My (our) best friend is still trying to figure out how she fits in, feels alone sleeping by herself most nights, even if I make love to her and sleep with her part of the night before going back downstairs to the master bedroom and wife so that I can get up on time and off to work in the AM.......she says she can live with 1/2 of me as that's better than all of any man she's ever had, but she still struggles......we are trying to communicate our needs and wants but obviously there are some gaps, struggles, etc......

[Mark1npt]

So sex, again, isn't the most central or core thing in polyamory. Love is. Whether a group is a V or a triangle, I suppose, depends more on the quality of love than the quantity of sex between the participants.

I must say there is definately love amongst all 3 of us......and we have all been friends for more than 20 years.....this should be the most fulfilling situation in the world for each of us.....I hope we can make it work for the rest of our lives.....is that being too optomistic?

[MonoVCPHG]

Of course it is possible! Me, Redpepper and her husband are living it and it is amazing! It's worth working for if you are all genuine and open. Think positive and communicate lots.

[MonoVCPHG]

"So sex, again, isn't the most central or core thing in polyamory. Love is"
Love with sex/sexual components is a different type of love. It does not relate to any other. Generally the only thing that would preclude sex from an intimate relationship is age or medical condition.

Without the intimacy of sexual energy/contact, I don't think there would even need to be a term for these relationships we have. Sexuality is integral to the relationships formed in polyamory. It is the defining difference that separates it from deep friendships.

I'm more than willing to agree to disagree..we simply have different views.
With respect JRM.

[River]

Wife has some issues...she's trying to figure out why I'm so happy now and she's feeling a little badly that after 27 years she was not able to be everything and more to keep me totally happy and fulfilled all by herself.

I think there is a powerful false myth afoot in our culture which says that one person ought to be able, in every case, to provide for all of our loving intimacy needs for a whole lifetime. There are numerous other associated false myths which make polyamory challenging for all of us. One of these is that really deep and satisfying loving intimacy must include sexual expression. My way of thinking is "Why not?" -- which is to say, "Why should it not?", if that's what all involved are open to, okay with. And all involved are willing to "dance" with the challenges involved. "Dancing" with these challenges provides all of us polyamorists with plenty of opportunity to explore what love and intimacy are about--for us. What's wrong with that? Nothing! Love is made possible because of empathy; without empathy, there can be no loving. So it is important for all of us who are choosing an approach to loving which is different from the conventional mode to accept our responsibility to keep openning up in empathy with all with whom we are involved in loving relationship. That means, as I see it, that your wife could benefit all involved, including herself, by exploring empathetically why it is that you're happier now than previously--if such is the case. Ideally, she'd be able to see through any jealousies or fears generated in this arrangement. But it is also incumbent upon you, in your gift of love to her, that you empathize with her challenge in seeing you so happy. She may react with a feeling-thought of "aren't/weren't I good enough?". Let her know that she is and has been more than good enough, and that the additional love only allows you to know more of your capacity for loving, etc. Etc., meaning also your capacity to meet challenges and explore your own depths, etc.

Avoid framing it all in a "lack story" or "lack drama". What's wrong with being even more fulfilled, more blessed, more joyous, and having more love from more people? Nothing! Have a bun dance. What's wrong with that? Nothing! More love is always a good thing.


My (our) best friend is still trying to figure out how she fits in, feels alone sleeping by herself most nights, even if I make love to her and sleep with her part of the night before going back downstairs to the master bedroom and wife so that I can get up on time and off to work in the AM.......she says she can live with 1/2 of me as that's better than all of any man she's ever had, but she still struggles......we are trying to communicate our needs and wants but obviously there are some gaps, struggles, etc......


My first thought is to change the "to" to "with" in the making love. I'm a little petty about word choices, sometimes, but I'm not sure the difference is petty in this case. Never make love "to" anyone! Always make love "with" instead. Nobody with self-love wants to be made love "to". Everyone with self-love who enjoys love-making finds making love "with" much better than "to". But enough nit picking.

My advice is to empathize, again. Open even more to both of these women in empathy and in kindness, warmth. You've accepted the challenge, and that's what the challenge amounts to. They both want your love, and your challenge is to give it fully to both -- which means both need your empathy.

Because you all are good friends, I have complete faith in all of you to meet your challenges. Stay open; love more. Give all you gots!

[MonoVCPHG]

"this should be the most fulfilling situation in the world for each of us"

The important thing here, I believe, is that you accept that what you feel "should be" is not necessarily what other people want or can even understand. This statement is from your perspective.

Have you thought about why it should be the most fulfilling situation? What would be the difference between living in a loving relationship with your wife and friend without the aspects that make it polyamorous between all three of you?

What is in it for each individual? You, your wife and your other lover. You can even go as far as to write it down individually and then compare..see how close they are. Just a thought.

Take care

[Mark1npt]

I really appreciate the input and varied views guys, ty........you have both made me stop and think, and realize from a different angle or two, all that is going on in this arrangement......what a view, different sets of experienced eyes are able to see......and make me see, glass half empty or half full?......like "making love to"...... d'oh! of course!!!!

It makes sense to me now. In the past 10-15 years as work and family pressures/medical worries crept into our lives, I always felt that I was more making love "to her"...right or wrong, that she had become almost entirely passive in the lovemaking process......but it was and is still great with her and I don't want that to end! Our love life meets certain inate needs for both of us, that's for sure. She has been incredibly understanding to take on this relationship so far into our own marriage.

I am a health care provider and it's in my wiring to give......I can't be any other way....on the other hand our 3rd, our best friend is very active in the lovemaking process and it feels as though it is different in that it's more "making love with" her.....because her wants and needs after coming out of her own failed long term marriage were very different....... and very fulfilling to me, to be able to participate in/provide. Not that it's "better" than with my wife, more like "complimentary" and really rounding out my inner soul, if that makes sense. It is also fantastic and meets other needs I seem to crave/have. I am so lucky to have the love of both of these fantastic women.

I need to make sure I can continue to meet all their needs and be the person/man they both need me to be.....I really can't afford to mess this up. And yes, above all the sex and lovemaking.....the comaraderie and freindship we 3 share on a daily basis is very gratifying on many levels. That's living life LARGE.....and it's great!

[redpepper]

Does anyone else live this way and survive healthy and happy?

I certainly hope so as I would like this for myself one day....
I am inspired that you are living it and appreciate your sharing. I hope you are finding the support you are seeking.

[Mark1npt]

Thanks, Red.....this forum has been very helpful thus far. I am about to introduce the rest of the group to it. I'm sure they (being the women in this arrangement) will have their own questions and input.

[Danny40179]

Hi Mark. COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!! I read your posts to my wife and she agreed with me. You all have to be COMPLETELY open and honest with each other. You should have a big ole pow wow with both of them, and have a "family" meeting. Air any concerns and discuss them.

When we started in the lifestyle we had a lot of hard times. A LOT!! We worked through them all by simply talking. I think a lot of people take that for granted. And when I say talk, I mean be completely honest with each other. No holds barred kinda thing. There are going to be some arguments and some hurt feelings, but shouldn't be anything that you guys after such a long and loving marriage can't recover from.

Good luck and please feel free to ask ANY specific questions. I wish I had a resource like this when we started out! :)

[Mark1npt]

Danny, thanks for the nice words....we have been talking more and more the last few weeks. It has done wonders for the 3 of us. There has been some crying and some laughing. We are all understanding the relationship better and growing more comfortable with it. My wife has always been the traditional kind of woman so this is definately asking a lot of her. She has been about as understanding as a wife could be and we are all trying to work through our various feelings.

I know most women would not be able to embrace this scenerio at all. I have tried to explain to her that the problem is with me and how I'm wired, not her. Being lefthanded and somewhat of a contrarian in my views has made it much easier for me to embrace this relationship because it feels naturally more "right" to me. I know it must be hard for a spouse to hear this let alone accept it, but it is the truth. Hopefully we can continue to make this path work....

[River]

I have tried to explain to her that the problem is with me and how I'm wired, not her.

I think the problem isn't with you, but with the culture which has told us all our lives that to really love someone that love has to be exclusive. This results in people thinking "Aren't I good enough four you?"... "Aren't I enough for you?"

All you have to do is honestly say "You're much better than good enough for me!, but I don't believe my ability and desire to love others is a comment about you, suggesting your inadequacy. It's a comment on my ability and need to love other/s, also."

[Danny40179]

JRM hit it right on the head. She feels that way because she's been taught that's how she should feel in that type of situation. I love the way JRM suggested how to go about approaching that type of comment.

[Mark1npt]

Thanks guys.....nice to know others have been there and done that.

[River]

You can call me James. That's what's on my birth certificate. You may also call me River, which is the name I chose for myself.

Lately, I prefer to be called River. But most folks know me as James. Some time soon I may ask everyone to start switching to calling me River. I'm a little anxious about that process. Oh well.

[Danny40179]

River it is. :-D

[Mark1npt]

Ok guys, new problem...I apologize in advance for it's length but felt the details needed to be conveyed......I have a wife in the bedroom downstairs and my other is in bed upstairs.....here I am at midnight on a perfectly good Saturday night tapping away on this keyboard.......instead of making love to one of these beautiful women.

Why is it the more we communicate, the more confused everyone seems to become? Last week our 3rd, my secondary (and btw, I really don't like that term) was having a rough week emotionally. It was centered around her not having her fair share of time (evenings upstairs alone) with me. She also revealed that not knowing which evenings were "ours" increased her anxiety levels, affected her sleep, etc. All valid points. Of course my wife has some of these same anxieties.

We all 3 talked for quite a while.....I thought we came away from that meeting with the understanding that every other night would be my others. I thought that,...... my other thought that.....problem was my wife never got that memo, or maybe just didn't hear it. How?.... I still don't know. It made for an awkward next night where my wife and I spent some quality time with family and that evening I went upstairs as I expected as it was my "others" night. I could tell my wife was taken aback by that, but I thought and my other thought that was the agreement.

The next day became increasingly awkward. Things deteriorated and another meeting was held wherein my wife stated she didn't know we had come to this agreement. She was distant and upset. She thought we were still going to take things slow and let the nights fall where they may rather than sticking to a firm plan. I know we didn't come away from that meeting with having solved the issue permanently but I thought we all decided to sort of scrap the plan for now and go back to playing it by ear every night. Somehow, this was the feeling my other got from the meeting also.

Now my other is stating she can't deal with not knowing which nights are hers and to just let her know when my wife and I sort it out. (she is very fearful of hurting my wife, her best friend) She feels torn at hurting my wife and torn at not knowing which nights are hers. She doesn't handle this type of emotional strife well...but who does?

To top it off, as my wife was going to bed tonight, she was surprised that I joined her since she somehow thought tonight was my assigned night upstairs. As Lewis Black would say, bah......wah-wah-wah-what?

Are we gonna have to put agreements like these down on paper , sign off and have them notorized from now on? Do poly people really do that? How can 2 out of 3 people come away with certain info from a meeting and the
3rd, not? Is the 3rd just blocking everything out as a defense mechanism? Right now, I'd just like one of the girls tell me where I'm supposed to sleep at night......

[MonoVCPHG]

JRM hit it right on the head. She feels that way because she's been taught that's how she should feel in that type of situation.

I'm sorry guys, I realize I am wired differently than you but social conditioning and taught behaviour are not always the issue. I myself have similar thoughts and they are purely based on my monogamous nature. I have found ways to accept some personally troubling aspects of polyamory and enjoy my relationship. If I didn't love Redpepper so immensely I would run to the hills:)

I don't know if I will ever understand polyamory but I know it works and involves amazing people!

[Quath]

It sounds like you may need to do a "summing up" at the end of meeting. I find that works out well at work. I can't count how many times I heard:

Person 1: So we are agreed. Bob will write up the paper and Sue will start the testing.
Sue: What?

If it doesn't work, writing it down sounds like a good option.

As for sleeping arrangements, that is a tough one. I think you are doing well by keeping everyone talking.

[Mark1npt]

Quath...yes we're doing more talking and I've pushed a little more to get resolution of an issue by the end of the meeting if possible.....this helps us all 3 to know where we stand (without putting it in writing) and what we're gonna be doing, whether it's that night, the next day or whenever. I didn't really want to push on this. I felt a lot like Regis....(is that your final answer?) It seems to have solidified our relationship and eased tension quite a bit. Of course it helps when you have a super understanding wife who realizes how some of us are wired and how important it is to have answers now to enable the meshing of the 3 of us into the best "V" we can be.....there is so much love between the 3 of us....but misunderstandings can rob you or your partner(s) of opportunities to love and share life's important moments even more.

[Quath]

I think it can also be important that people feel they can try something without being held to it by some legal sounding agreement. I don't think a person should feel trapped by their decision to try something. I think a good approach is to keep all topics open for renegotiations if needed.

[openlove25]

Hey, had some spare time here at work. Here's a couple of websites and books that I googled.
http://www.kerista.com/poly.html
http://www.lovemore.com/
http://www.globalideasbank.org/site/bank/idea.php?ideaId=1032

Books:
Opening Up: Successful Polyamory

The Threesome Handbook: The Practical
Guide to Sleeping with three.

[Lemondrop]

Mark1npt--as for writing things down, yes, poly people do that sometimes. For some of us, it's easier. It's not necessary for others. But my opinion is, you do what it takes to make everyone happy, because that's essential to your happiness too.

I've been reading a lot. I thought that The Ethical Slut and Opening Up sounded hokey (sorry, but it's true) and wouldn't apply to me, but I have found both books to be helpful. I'm blown away by Dossie Easton (The Ethical Slut) and find any books where she is part of the writing team to be kind, compassionate, and understanding. I really think that you should at least take a look at The Ethical Slut--it definitely gave me a better understanding of what was "normal" and "acceptable" in a poly relationship, and most importantly for me! gave me some reassurance that I'm allowed to have feelings, even when they're not mature or secure or enlightened.

[Mark1npt]

Thanks Lemondrop......yes it does have a hokey sounding title, but I may have to break down and get a copy for us all to read. Thanks for your input.

[MonoVCPHG]

Hey, where have you been my friend?

[Mark1npt]

Hey Mono my brother.......been busy with work and of course since I'm now poly, I have twice the honey-do list! Been thru a bit if a war the past week. Thought my wife had finally asked for the divorce neither one of us really wanted, but alas, cooler heads prevail and we all 3 realized we're so much better off together than we would be alone. It's so silly, there's not even a crumb of a doubt as to how much we all 3 love eachother.

[MonoVCPHG]

Glad to hear you pulled through Mark:) Sorry to hear about your honey-do list however!! I think everyone goes through those moments of doubt in the ability to hold it together, but it never does seem to be about how much love there is...it can be a rollercoaster for sure! Luckily the huge dips in my own ride seem to have settled. Take care my friend:D

[redpepper]

Hi mark, glad to know you are still with us.

I haven't read this thread before and it has left me a tad fearful of my future.

Last night I had a talk with both my men about the possibility of some day living together. I am very much on a "comfy plateau" as my husband puts it, but the two men are not... especially my husband. He is happy with our progress and is excited about us all being together in the same abode some day, but he is a slower mover than us... so we wait. Moving at the speed of his concerns.

How did you eventually deal with the sleeping situation?
Do you have your own room and your own time to sleep in it?
Do you get the time on your own that you need?

I would want my own room for sure! Right now my husband and I and our son live in 1200 square feet. The older our boy gets the more room he seems to need. We have a large yard that he plays in, the whole reason we got this place, but in the winter he takes over the whole house with his energy. We have an apartment below that is the same size as our place which was intended for us both to inhabit one day. When we got married we never expected to share our living space. We ended up like that because of circumstance really. We could take that space over, but it isn't suitable for our situation.... we would have to move if Mono lived with us and us with him.

My husband worries about my not taking time for me and that it would be worse if we all lived together. I can't see that happening as right now I spend time traveling back and forth between my worlds. I expend a lot of energy hiding our lives from my parents, who live five houses down too and they would have to be told. Also I would have my own room to hide in and practice being alone (something I struggle with and mean to conquer).

Any ideas on what you would of done differently or what has worked? Any strategical planning I should think about or guidelines that have worked?

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles.... keep at it. We are all rooting for you!!

[NeonKaos]

How did you eventually deal with the sleeping situation?
Do you have your own room and your own time to sleep in it?
Do you get the time on your own that you need?

I would want my own room for sure! Right now my husband and I and our son live in 1200 square feet. The older our boy gets the more room he seems to need. We have a large yard that he plays in, the whole reason we got this place, but in the winter he takes over the whole house with his energy. We have an apartment below that is the same size as our place which was intended for us both to inhabit one day. When we got married we never expected to share our living space. We ended up like that because of circumstance really. We could take that space over, but it isn't suitable for our situation.... we would have to move if Mono lived with us and us with him.



I'm taking the liberty of responding to this because I brought up the same thing to Mark either earlier in this thread or in another thread about how his wife gets "angry" the morning after he has slept with #3.

I suggested that everyone have their "own" room because that way, it's not like he's "absent" from "their" room and the wives could "visit" him in his room and it would level the field somewhat. Mark shared that they don't have the space for everyone to have their own room unless he slept on the pool table (which stirs the imagination, don't you think?).

At my place, steve and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for the better part of a year. This has come about serendipitously. Initially he would just crash in my mother's old room (which is a lovely feminine shade of pink, I might add) when he came in late, but it didn't take long for us to realize we were both getting better quality of rest without me being woken up by his snoring and him being woken up by his allergies.

I am a big proponent of everyone having their own room, even if you do sleep together occasionally or all the time.

[Mark1npt]

Hi Redpepper, nice to hear from you! I'll try to answer as many of your questions as possible.

I think maybe you're moving at the speed your husband is comfy, would be a nice way to do it. We had planned to integrate my other love into our lives slowly over about a year, however significant life circumstances intervened, a quickie divorce for our 3rd, an even quicker sale of their home, a bad economy and virtually no financial support for her to live on, necessitated us moving her in with us, which provided her with the emotional and physical support her broken soul, sorely needed. We and she simply had no option to proceed slowly. Luckily, my sons had recently gone away to college so we had plenty of space upstairs to renovate for her to make her own little abode. One of the stress points for my wife in all this, in addition to being told she was married to a poly man (after 27 years), was that she wasn't able to "transition" slowly enough for her own comfort. My fault and life's fault, too. But we really didn't have any other choice.

I should also mention that my elderly mother lives upstairs with us also! And, because my other love's house sold so fast, her daughter had to move into our game room for a couple of months, so my sleeping on the pool table, wasn't an option, all to YGirl's chagrin, I'm sure! Living with her father was not an option. She leaves for college next week! Anybody got a headache yet?

My wife and I have the bedroom downstairs and when my other loves daughter leaves next week, I'll resume sleeping upstairs with her 1 night and then downstairs with my wife the next or vice versa, even I'm confused! My mother knows nothing of this, she's old, hard of hearing and easy to work the logistics around.

I don't really need my own room. I'm comfy with either of them at anytime and can nap on the sofa or by the pool if necessary! My wife however has remarked that it's really not a fair arrangement, since I never have to sleep alone, while they each do every other night. I see her point, but until the time my mom is no longer with us, we have no other room for me to move into. I guess she probably could have progressed into this poly life and developed the necessary compersion more quickly if we had all been on equal ground from the start.

I can understand you husband's worries about living together. My wife had some of the same concerns, even though we've known our 3rd for 20 years and they're best friends (but not intimate with eachother, strictly hetero). As close as you 3 are in your life, your husband hasn't had 20 years to live with Mono, eat, laugh, camp, swim, cry or travel on vacation with him, etc. On the other hand, he did know you were poly and you two have lived the life for quite some time it seems, so that part should be easier.

From my side of it, I feel it is easier for all of us to live under the same roof. Shared chores like laundry or cooking make it easier on everyone and the mutual support during life's daily struggles amongst friends and loves is needed, IMO. The travelling logistics would be a hassle and one of my loves would be completely alone in their house every other night, which would pain me more than separate rooms does now. I would have liked a king bed in one of the rooms so all 3 of us could sleep together on those nights we aren't intimate. One of the things I know troubles my 2 loves, is the fact that they would love to have a warm body alongside them every night. It's not all about the sex, it is about the security, warmth, companionship and snuggling with your loved one. I should mention, we are polyfidelitous and they have no plans to add to our "V". We do not particpate sexually as a threesome. They are both hopelessly monogomous, ala Mono, I am the poly one. I feel a king size bed is in the offing, but really don't want to push my wife any further, any faster than I already have. Time will sway her, I'm sure. I can wait for that. She's given me so much already.

What would I do differently? I guess given my wife more time to digest and come to compersion with what I've asked her to do. Logistically? One more bedroom! We've come thru last weekend's trauma, a little stronger, more committed and my wife thinks maybe she's done being jealous. Life is too short. We are all best friends and can easily co-exist with eachother, and love eachother. It would be a grand thing for all of us to grow old together, support eachother in our later years and experience all that life has to offer with eachother.

I hope I touched on most of your questions.....Thanks for the good thoughts and for the support on your end, Redpepper. It is appreciated. Let me know if I can help you any further from my end. :)

[redpepper]

Thanks Mark! I am feeling far more reassured about our future. You have been very helpful in that I am even more patient with our progress and ability to be supportive to my wonderful men. All good advice! :)

[MonoVCPHG]

He is happy with our progress and is excited about us all being together in the same abode some day, but he is a slower mover than us... so we wait. Moving at the speed of his concerns.



I don't think your husband is moving slower than me, Lilo. I am excited about moving closer to you in the relatively near future but I do have substantial fears with actually living with you both. We both know what these are and the better things are between us, the more I fear doing things to change what I think you like about our current situation. Everything will come in time. I just don't want to do anything that I think leads to "us" changing. Patience Love! :D