View Full Version : possibly poly
06-06-2012, 11:58 PM
Hello all. I know this topic sounds very strange. "possibly poly" but. after a situation started occuring, and the way things have turned. it has caused me to do a lot of soul searching and I am feeling that I may be entering into a polyamorous lifestyle... i think!
I am married with 3 kids in lovely sterling heights Mi. after years of habitual cheating. leaving 1 lover for another (never on going or just randomly thorughout the relationship. it was always from one to another) I got married and until recently put my old ways behind me. But out marriage has been rocky from day one. there were many issues.
recently I met someone and very quickly we started seeing eachother. I got caught by my husband and after doing some thinking he has suggested we try and have an open marriage. seeing the strong emotional connection between me and the other man. he couldnt bring himself to tell me to stop. he accepted that he does not fullfill all of my needs. but we do love eachother. he is not interested in persuing any other relationships. as he put it, we can be "polymogs"
after much talking between both men and I, all parties have agreed to a poly relationship.
looking back on my life I have realized that everytime i have cheated on a partner and then left them for the new person. that new person fulfilled needs that were not met by the partner i had at the time. my ex fiance for examply was very loving and affectionate. but was not very mature. he had no goals, he was very irresponsible, my husband had all of those qualities. but lacked in affection. I thought I would be fine with this but as time went on. I obviously wasn't.
So. long story short 4 days ago I was secretly seeing someone i had completly fallen in love with while trying my best to be a good wife and mother. now today I am in the middle of a relationship with two men. both of whom are accepting of this arrangement. I do not know how to move forward at this time, i do not know if this is in fact polyamory or something different. both men have no desires to ever meet. I am very new to all of this and do not know how this works. I do want it to work though because everyone seems to be very happy in the situation. my husband and I are suddenly having better communication, my other partner is a little confused but happy that we can be together with less worry and guilt.
so.. HI ALL! i look forward to talking with everyone here and getting to know you all and this new lifestyle! just need a little bit of guidance and support.
Welcome! Now that it is all out in the open and fully consensual, I would definitely classify it as polyamory (as opposed to when it was hidden and was cheating). Congrats on having a husband understanding enough to move forward so quickly!
I have a few random questions - feel free to ignore them if you want. lol
Why don't your husband and your boyfriend want to meet? Do they just have no interests that make them think they would like each other or do they think it would be awkward or something else? I would want to make sure that it isn't caused by some inner jealousy or concerns about the relationship structure as a whole. If it's just because they have no desire to get to know someone else, fine. If it is because they know (or are concerned) that if they met the other guy they would be filled with uncontrollable jealousy and insecurity, not so fine. Maybe not a concern here, but something I would think about in your position.
How old are your kids? Are they going to know that you have a boyfriend?
Once again, welcome! I'm a big fan of reading, so I would recommend reading around the forum (and jumping right in to other threads if you feel like it). There is also a thread about recommended reading materials (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1096) both online and book form that is pretty awesome.
06-07-2012, 02:59 AM
no problem with questions, I am an open book!
first the easy question, my kids are 7,5 and 2 so they are all still quite young and NO they are not going to know anything at this time. they are too young and it would confuse them. I am not sure I would ever be comfortable with my children knowing of him.
the reason they do not want to meet involves the fact that my boyfriend and I were affair partners before everything came out into the open. and he hates my husband for all the hurting that has gone on in our marriage. he feels i have been wronged horribly, taken advantage of, neglected, unappreciated. and right now his head is still sort of spinning on my husbands new attitude and openess to him being in the picture. he doest not want to hear about him for right now. he still has issues with it. (my boyfriend loves me very much. ) now my husband agrees that it is not a good idea that they meet. but i sense he might be more open to it in the future. i think in the future that might change, depending on how all of this goes. they actually have a lot in common. i am attracted to geeks honestly. every man i have ever been with has been a geek to some extent and both my husband and my boyfriend (still wierd to type that out!) are big geeks. but, unlike my husband, my boyfriend not only knows how to put it down. but wants to, to spend time with me. a lot of my issues with my husband stem from his computer game addiction.
so. maybe down the road depending on how things go, they may meet. but i am not ready to go down that road. right now we are just testing the waters to see if everyone can live happily in this arrangement.
and there are a couple of added complication to our arrangement. my boyfriend is married still, he was preparing for a divorce before things started. and also. we work together, very closely. half of the week we work all alone and leave together.
I am still processing my husbands reaction to everything. I was preparing for him to ask for divorce, or to demand that i no longer see him. but for him to actually suggest it was quite the shock. even though I had hoped he would. I have never mentioned anything regarding a polyamory lifestyle before. so it really threw me for a loop.
the part that makes me the most, shocked i guess is how casual my husband is about all of this. while he does not want to meet him. he feels perfectly fine discussing the details casually. to the point of "well, tuesdays work best for me, because thats my raid night. but since you two close monday and friday that works too."
thank you for the warm welcome! I will be here reading and posting!
Minus the game addiction, your husband sounds pretty amazing. On that note, though, why does he not seek to change his addictive behaviors? Obviously they're having detrimental effects on your relationship to the point that you sought affairs. While being open to poly that quickly and under those conditions is almost unheard of, one of the things that many people around here say is that when a relationship is struggling, it is usually better to buckle down and fix it as much as possible BEFORE adding other people to the mix. While I'm not suggesting you go ditch your bf to do this, I am suggesting that you get your husband to focus on working on your relationship with him. That relationship affects your children, your mental health, and obviously has affected your relationship with your bf.
Is your husband able to take time away from the games to spend with the kids? I've never understand game addiction, so this always intrigues me... lol
It would make me feel weird to date someone who hated someone else that I love. How are you handling that? I mean, I know the feeling comes from a place of love for you which probably makes you feel special, but having that antipathy towards a major person in your life (the father of your children, your husband) must be difficult.
On a slightly lighter note... Are either of the guys looking into reading up on polyamory? :)
06-07-2012, 08:47 PM
Welcome to our forum.
The questions from km34 are good ones to consider, but mostly I just think you're lucky to have such and understanding and accepting husband, and am glad you could join us here on Polyamory.com.
Hopefully the two guys will eventually meet up, under amicable circumstances. That type of a platonic relationship can help prevent jealousy, etc.
It will be hard to hide this situation from your kids forever, but you may be able to be discreet about it for the time being. Hopefully you and your husband can work out the rough spots in that relationship.
Glad to have you with us.
06-09-2012, 10:17 PM
I'm not married, but have two geeks for boyfriends. :D I used to live with one of them, and his gaming was a huge problem for me. Actually, it does get in the way, even though we no longer live together.
Welcome to the wonderful wacky world of poly. :D I was pretty nutted up the first few months. I was also surprised at how easy it was for both of them to agree to this. Apparently, poly is not uncommon among gamers and geeks. I'm not certain why that might be, but I'm happy to benefit.
My initial freak-out is way calmed down. My men were really good friends, so no worries there. I kind of miss the three of us though, we haven't done anything the three of us together since we started this (me seeing both of them). I'm nervous about that, but since it's not imminent, I worry less. And the one I call CurrentBoyFriend has a magickal way of making people very comfortable, so I'm sure once we do that, it will be fine.
Congratulations on finding a way that works for you. Know that it's an on-going process. Glad you're here (in this forum).