Here we go again.

[River]

Kevin & David & I had some three-way intimacy many years ago. It's started up again--quite unexpectedly for all of us.

We went for a hike together to a meadow and had a picnic in the sun and shadows beside a stream and green, green, green--idylic, lots of talking, handholding, holding of heads in laps, simple joy-tenderness and relaxed easefulness picnic.

Not a lot else to say just now. Happy. Healing. Growing. Nothing at all to complain about.

The affection is flowing in each direction and there are no problems at all.

===

Okay, I'll say a little more.... I'm so freaking LUCKY! I am SO free to explore, expand, exist, excite, examine...! I'm SO out of the box and it's So natural and easy that it might make my head spin if it weren't so ... well, ordinary. It does feel as if Kevin & I are simultaniously "dating" David, only without anything so heavy as "dating" going on. Easefull, light, good -- no big deal. It took a lot of hard knocks to get here for all of us and we ought to be proud of our accomplishments.

There were sloppy kisses at the end of this beginning. All around. No nakedness -- just as the situation called for!

[AutumnalTone]

That sounds like a very good day. It's also nice to read the happy stories, as we have so many tales of worries 'round here.

[River]

Thanks, SeventhCrow. Yes, a most fine afternoon with an old intimate friend who we haven't seen much in a long while. David used to be a next door neighbor. He and we and I and all of us have our wounds, our "issues", our "stuff"... but isn't that just how it is on Earth at the moment? Seems to be. And so we are all holding each other in appreciation, kindness, warmth..., not a lot of expectation and demand.... It was a very nice afternoon, indeed. I feel blessed by everything, by everyone, by the sun and the moon and the stars. And that is so not Hollywood. It's just life. Roses have thorns and all. No problem! Glad to be awake and alive! Happy to give myself and my many loves all the love we need that each can give. Happy, also, to receive just that which I can. Happy to let it all be happy and with no problems for now. Happy to address any problems as they arise, and not before! Smiles!

[AutumnalTone]

It appears that all three of you have reached the point where you understand your own issues, have taken responsibility for them, and can thus accept each others' issues and be supportive while allowing each to attend to his own matters. Taking care of all parts of the relationship (web) hinges on that, I think.

A fully functional relationship involves taking care of You, Me, and Us. In poly situations that gets extended to taking care of You, Me, Us, Other You, Other Us (however many times necessary), and All of Us (the whole shootin' match). If everybody involved is taking care of all of those entities, then all is well. From what you described, that was happening on that day.

[River]

Good words.

I'm undergoing something of a (r)evolutionary shift in my psyche regards relationships. All of the furniture and utensils -- rugs, drapes -- in this metaphorical house is in continuous motion, in search of a whole new atmosphere. I'm re-examining all of my beliefs, habits, etc.

I am and feel much, much less needy than I used to, and I rarely anymore react or respond to the world from a lack perspective. I'm open to all kinds of loving adventure, but have zero need to act out dramas or anything not mutually beneficial for all involved. Am willing to dance with the legitimate needs of all involved and any healing/openning processes, and can be gently nurturing in all that without pushing or pulling. And I'm learning, healing, and growing a little each day. So this is a very good time for me.

Key to all of this is that I've found the source of happiness and unhappiness -- in myself. It isn't sourced from others, and there's just as much happiness available as I am willing to open further to--which I do daily, expansively more each day and week. I can enjoy others without expecting or demanding much, if anything. Even the rough patches of road are contained within a basic joy atmosphere of non-lack.

[Penny29]

Thanks for sharing the story with us, JRiverMartin. It's good to see that it's possible to have relationships like yours. It's not easy to find a partner that accepts such a kind of "dating". But I think it's a normal thing to meet other people, share your thoughts with them and have a good time.

[Olivier]

Good words.

I'm undergoing something of a (r)evolutionary shift in my psyche regards relationships. All of the furniture and utensils -- rugs, drapes -- in this metaphorical house is in continuous motion, in search of a whole new atmosphere. I'm re-examining all of my beliefs, habits, etc.

I am and feel much, much less needy than I used to, and I rarely anymore react or respond to the world from a lack perspective. I'm open to all kinds of loving adventure, but have zero need to act out dramas or anything not mutually beneficial for all involved. Am willing to dance with the legitimate needs of all involved and any healing/openning processes, and can be gently nurturing in all that without pushing or pulling. And I'm learning, healing, and growing a little each day. So this is a very good time for me.

Key to all of this is that I've found the source of happiness and unhappiness -- in myself. It isn't sourced from others, and there's just as much happiness available as I am willing to open further to--which I do daily, expansively more each day and week. I can enjoy others without expecting or demanding much, if anything. Even the rough patches of road are contained within a basic joy atmosphere of non-lack.

This is amazing!

[River]

Yes! It is!

It isn't that some old not-so-happy habit patterns in my "emotional body" aren't still triggered or active at all, however. It's just that the peace, joy, freedom, happiness..., is now the container in which these are held and healed. Also, I don't act them out so much, those old less-than-happy emotional patterns/energies.

So, overall, I'm just very, very happy -- and I'm causing less unhappiness in others around me. Indeed, they are also healing and growing in this same light.

[River]

Updating....

David sort of disappeared, and won't return phone calls, so I take that as a signal that he'd rather not even continue on as friends. Fortunately, I hadn't invested much in any hopes or expectations with him.

I've had a lot of disappointments in the months since my last report here, and haven't maintained the same attitude as I reported then. Some of my old not-so-happy and not-so-healthy habits have reasserted themselves, though perhaps not as bad as it had once been.

I really need to attend to what needs attending to in order to open myself to the healthier state I reported months ago. I think getting back into running and sitting meditation will likely help. And I need to drink less alcohol.

[foxflame88]

Sorry to hear he took the "easy" way out, by disappearing. I too recently had the same thing happen to me. It absolutely SUCKS dealing with, as it tends to leave so many unanswered questions. Hugs to you.

[River]

Thanks, Foxy!

[Sunshinegrl]

Im sorry that he cut things off so abruptly. :( I hope that things with you improve.

[XYZ123]

I was so happy at the start of this read. Then realized that was months ago. I'm sorry he pulled the vanishing act. I have had that happen and it's worse than the dramatic breakup. So many questions left unanswered. It is his loss dear, whether that loss be in the relationship itself or the inability to face his own demons by giving you closure. I hope you are doing well in the healing process.

[AutumnalTone]

I'm ambivalent on whether it's better to have somebody disappear or have them lower the boom in person. I've been through both and they each leave questions unanswered.

I quit expecting people to hang around forever a long time ago and that's made such things easier for me, I suspect. I'm pleased they were around as long as they were and enjoy the memories of that. I try not to waste much time on wondering why they took off. I think it also helps me to appreciate those folks who insist on hanging around.

[vandalin]

I wish I could get that mentality 7thCrow. I've had quite a few friends suddenly disappear from my life and I really and truly have no idea why. I can't recall doing anything wrong or saying anything that would have driven them off. I do understand that people come into our lives and can leave just as quickly, but that hasn't seemed to help yet. :(

[River]

I was dissapointed that David avoided the return of my two phone messages (he wouldn't pick up), but it wasn't a dramatic surprise, as he told me to my face that he has trouble "committing" to relationships, friend-type or otherwise. I'd have liked to have him at least join Kevin & I on a hike now and then. But the boy has some "issues" with friendship and intimacy, and I knew that. So it wasn't a dramatically painful loss, and besides, we never really did get very close--although it was nice to share some brief affection.

[Nyx]

Some of my old not-so-happy and not-so-healthy habits have reasserted themselves, though perhaps not as bad as it had once been.


ah, I know this one as well. There are times when I have been on top of the world - feeling so good about myself I feel like I could fly, that everything is ok and even my problems I am happy about because they are being solved a little every day, that progress is happening.

Realizing progress is something to definitely be joyful about. But at the same time falling back into old habits or ways of thinking can put a damper on a person's mood.

At least you have some ideas of things you could do to get back "on it" so to speak. Best of wishes to you!

[dearprudence]

Yes! It is!

It isn't that some old not-so-happy habit patterns in my "emotional body" aren't still triggered or active at all, however. It's just that the peace, joy, freedom, happiness..., is now the container in which these are held and healed. Also, I don't act them out so much, those old less-than-happy emotional patterns/energies.

So, overall, I'm just very, very happy -- and I'm causing less unhappiness in others around me. Indeed, they are also healing and growing in this same light.


I am going to print and laminate this along with your other post that starts with "(r)evolutionary shift." I want to carry this with me to remind me what I am working toward. I will credit you, of course :-) Thank you for the inspiring words.

[River]

Thank you, Dear Prudence!

Today I begin writing a collection of essays for publication -- a project that I've had in my lap to do for many years. Title: Integrity, Resiliency & Joy. This is a day of breakthrough insights and inspiration for me -- and your appreciation of some of my words comes at just the right time. May you have integrity, resiliency and (especially) joy in your unfolding days and moments! And thanks again!

[Fidelia]

So Sorry for the loss of David, BrotherMan. :(
*hugs* Definitely his loss.

But also so glad for the essay project, and looking forward to it. :) You will be sharing it with us, yes?

[River]

Yeah, you all get a signed copy of my book when it's done!

===

My current main preoccupation, relatedly: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?goto=newpost&t=1237

[Rarechild]

Been missing you around here, dear. I hope all is well in your head space, and best of luck with your book- I am already a big fan if your writing on here is any indication, and I'm sure its not even the tip of the iceberg. Do let us know when and where we can rush out to get a copy when it's published.

[River]

... and this proves it (self-promotional moment): http://mind4food.blogspot.com\ :D

[River]

... Okay, I thought I would have a little fun and throw a monkey wrench into the image many of you have of me. Here goes!:

I had a kind of date with a woman yesterday. That's right. You heard me.

And we're going to be seeing each other again. Too.

I'm not saying much more than that. Except we appear to like one another.

Will report more when there's more to report -- but nothing that could jynx (jinx?) the thing.

[MonoVCPHG]

Best of everything, River....nice curve ball:eek:

[River]

She is now my friend. Non-romantic. Good friend.

====

But I am falling in love with eight acres of land -- thirty miles South and West, near the Rio Grande -- walking distance, even.

Long dream of building our own house, small and simple (straw bale) ... (look it up)..., growing vegetables, fruit, nuts ... bees, chickens.... and community. With human and animals of wild and "tame" varieties....

Deepening love affair with Earth, our common home.

[River]

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=25&pictureid=324

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/picture.php?pictureid=325&albumid=25&dl=1265596055&thumb=1

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/picture.php?pictureid=326&albumid=25&dl=1265596055&thumb=1

Just beyond the foreground fence is part of those eight acres. And here's a shot from above--in the brown of winter. And here's the river a short walk away, in fall.

[River]

hmm.... Yesterday I sucessfully posted some photos in my above post. Today, I don't see them. Any clues?

....//////....

Hmmm. I logged in to post the above, and then the point was moot, as I could then see the photos!

I think there must be a causal relationship here. ... I think I get it. ... You have to be logged in to see the photos?

Scientists?

[River]

I really need to attend to what needs attending to in order to open myself to the healthier state I reported months ago. I think getting back into running and sitting meditation will likely help. And I need to drink less alcohol.

It's interesting to go back and have a look at this old, old post of mine.

I came here to find the link to this "Here we go again" so I could post it at "River's Blog" -- and then to retire this thread to the archives.

Well, I HAVE been meditating daily -- sometimes twice! now -- often with my sweetie, Kevin. And I'm enjoying it, although I got a little scared yesterday while sitting -- when everything went silent and I seemed to be falling, dropping in dark space, freefall. I found that I could still locate the sensation of breathing -- but did thrust my eyes open to find my location! Don't let this be a reason to fear meditation: I say to you; I say to me.

I didn't mention that I used to smoke cigarettes -- only a little, but too much -- besides the drinking (which I did mention). Well, I've given that up. And now I'm drinking less, and intend to stop doing that exessively. Mainly because it wrecks my sleep, my meditation, and my availability to the subtle things I want to attend to.

I still have just one sweetie. But I have an invisible red carpet I'm working on and its nearly finished and I'll put it out (invisibly!) when it's ready. I think the nearly readyness of this red carpet is starting to be magical already! Its not really so glamorous as a red carpet. What it is? It is a big Welcome! It silently says, Yes! To he or she who can meet me here, in our heart.

[edit] -- about that blog, Food For Thought. I'm not sure if it is dead or only sleeping. And about that land search? We were about to sign papers when our
friend with the big bag of money to loan suddenly had only a very, very small bag of money. Life teaches patience, no?

[Catfish]

Life teaches patience, no?

Yes. Yes it does.

It's funny you should mention fear of meditation. I was just writing about that. Perhaps it will find it's way to the forum when complete.

Please continue to take marvelous care of yourself.

[River]

Yes. Yes it does.

It's funny you should mention fear of meditation. I was just writing about that. Perhaps it will find it's way to the forum when complete.

Please continue to take marvelous care of yourself.

With your help, dear friend.

[River]

PS - In the "noise and haste" I've somehow forgotten that you and RC aren't Canadians, but that you live only in the Far North of Michigan. I hope this un-confuses things a little. I had things sorted wrong!