New to poly, in beautiful Vancouver BC

[PolyLinguist]

Hello, everyone.

I decided to declare myself poly about two months ago. After long discussions with my SO (my wife, that is), who is not only a good sport about it, but has even offered to help me find a girlfriend.

It's not about my marriage, which is pretty good. It's about finding other relationships and enlarging my sexual horizons.

Here is the rub: what next? In my premarital life, I was never that successful at dating, and I don't see how I can do better now, considering that I am quite a bit older and, obviously, the one thing I cannot offer is an exclusive relationship. Which is what most people want.

I have gone to a number of poly events in my city, and - as at most social events in my life - all the women I find attractive there are in relationships / uninterested / uninterested in me. I am also on OKCupid, which has not even produced me a date so far, just some (rather inane) e-conversations. What do I do, try to pick up girls in bars with "Hey, you have beautiful eyes, and, by the way, I am poly"?

Frustrated in BC.

(Not that frustrated, by the way - I do have a life. But still, it would be nice to see some hope.)

[kdt26417]

Wow ... All I can say is, I hear you on how frustrating it is. I went the OKCupid route myself and didn't have much luck (although I know some people have had good luck with OKC). And you've already met up with some of the local poly community in you're city, so it's not like I'd have much advice for you on that.

I would say, keep attending the events, don't give up on that, but it might take awhile, and really, if it has to do with dating, there's no guarantees (and you're right, it's even tougher for a poly person). You can't know what the future holds, so take comfort in what you have right here in the present.

Sometimes it's therapeutic just to make new friends. Which is why I say, don't give up on the poly events. Also, if you have other interests and there are local clubs for those, it's not a bad idea to get involved with those kinds of things. Maybe you'll just make some new friends and that's about it. But that's not all bad, and you just never know if a friendship sometime might go somewhere further.

They (sometimes) say that you never find anyone until you're not looking. I'm not sure that's a scientific truth, but I do know that life has a way of surprising us. So try not to get too discouraged, or stress yourself out by looking too hard. Be yourself, enjoy being yourself, and being with others.

That's about the only advice I can offer; sorry I don't got much better! I do want to welcome you to Polyamory.com however.

Regards and respects,
Kevin T.

[PolyLinguist]

Thanks, Kevin, for your kind words.

Half the fun is in the chase, in any case. And I like to think that it keeps me young!

You live in a beautiful location yourself. I was in Albuquerque once (in 1977), it's quite a nice city with all those adobe buildings.

All the best,

G.

[kdt26417]

Yeah, I like Albuquerque. I lived in Michigan (metro Detroit) for a lot of years, and found the change in weather refreshing when I moved to New Mexico. Lots and lots of Sun! :) And nothing too extreme in the way of temperatures.

That said, I also visited Seattle several months back, and was enchanted by it. Who knows, maybe I've had my quota of Sun and can adapt to some (drizzle and) cloud cover again. But for now, I'm content to stay in "the dry country."

Anyway, things have a way of working out eventually, I'm sure they will for both of us.

Regards and well wishes,
Kevin T.

[lovefromgirl]

all the women I find attractive there are in relationships / uninterested / uninterested in me

I have a small question: are you ruling out all women who are in relationships already, or just the ones who are not interested in what you have to offer?

[PolyLinguist]

I have a small question: are you ruling out all women who are in relationships already, or just the ones who are not interested in what you have to offer?

Oh, this is just a resurfacing of my impression of dating locales from my original dating days.

I don't rule out anyone, but in order to get anywhere, I normally have to approach someone, start a conversation, then - when I judge the timing appropriate, I suggest a follow-up (ask for a phone number, suggest meeting for coffee, whatever). A multi-stage process, not at all easy to navigate even when you are single and available. And, of course, I am out of practice! :)