Idealist Poly Blog

[idealist]

Welcome!! This blog is an effort to sort out my thoughts and feelings about my personal journey and to share with others for entertainment and to offer support and validation. The names have been changed for anonymity. Any feedback is welcome.

Born and raised in the Deep South, I am a 52 year old single female, and I’ve never been married. Living alone for 10 years now, I have created a life that works for me. At this time in my life, I have 4 male lovers and a female friend that I would like to eventually call my lover.

At the age of 16, I wanted to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend of almost 2 years, but he was either too scared due to inexperience and not knowing what to do, or his Catholic upbringing had convinced him that it was wrong. No matter what the reason, he broke up with me- probably because of the pressure. I was very disappointed and felt grief, sadness and confusion upon losing him. That was when my virginity seemed like a burden rather than anything special or desirable, so I had sex for the first time with a stranger just to get it over with.

A year later, I hooked up with a 21 year old guy and lived with him for 4 years. It was a very sexual relationship and we would occasionally have sex with other couples that we knew. It was quite exhilarating for me, having been extremely sheltered in my life up to that point. I enjoyed the spontaneity of the lifestyle and often felt an underlying sense of tension and anticipation of what would happen next. We would develop close friendships with other couples and those connections would usually become sexual. I eventually outgrew the relationship and left it when I was 21.

For the following 10 years, I was single with lots of friends. I found myself initiating sexual connections with friends, (male and female) as well as creating environments which felt safe for groups to have sexual experiences. Even now, I occasionally run into someone who remembers me because they had been invited to a group gathering over 25 years ago!

[idealist]

As that lifestyle began to lose interest for me I considered a lesbian lifestyle and started seeing a woman I met at a party. She moved in with me right away and we lived together for about a year. She had emotional issues which was confusing for me, so in an effort to understand some things about her and my feelings, I found a therapist and started seeing her weekly. Therapy was amazing and to this day I am so glad that I stuck with it. (I saw the same therapist off and on for almost 15 years and if an issue came up today that I needed help with, I would call her). So, after a few years of therapy, I started going to AA. The Twelve Steps helped me start becoming more conscious of who I am and why I made the choices I had made up to that point.

This process opened me up to the desire for my first serious monogamous relationship. At the age of 30, I met Pattie and we became involved. After dating for 1 year, we moved in together and eventually purchased a home together. We were together for 12 years. We were monogamous and only once did I have a thought or desire for sex outside of the relationship. I was open with her about it, I resisted the urge and it passed. This was an emotionally healthy relationship since we were both in recovery and were able to practice great honesty.

My years of therapy and honesty with myself, however, resulted in my leaving her so that I could pursue a heterosexual lifestyle. It took me two years to get through the grief process. I felt a lot of guilt for hurting her.

That was 10 years ago and in these last ten years, I have had 7 monogamous relationships with men.

[idealist]

So these are the guys that I've been in monogamous relationships with in the last 10 years. Four of them are currently part of my Poly Family.

Randal- My first lover was Randal and he affected me, my life, my thoughts and emotions in a major way. We were business associates and just connected right away. He was very spiritual and that was what I liked about him. We were only together for 2 months. He died about a year after we broke up.

Edward- Edward was also a business associate that I had known for many years. He was single at the time, and safe. We dated for 6 months. We are platonic friends now and still talk and get together occasionally.

John- Shortly after ending the relationship with Edward, I met John standing in the check-out line at Home Depot. There was in instant chemistry between us. We were together almost 3 years. We broke up for about 4 years and then we were together for 1 ½ years again. (See below) We have kept contact and are currently lovers- he is part of my Poly family. He is not currently seeing anyone else, but he is free to do so if he chooses.

Steven- I met Steven at a Convention. Although he lived in another state, we had a long distance relationship which lasted one year. We have also remained in contact and although he lives in another state, I consider him part of my Poly family now.

Richard- After the long distance relationship with Steven, I desired more daily contact, so I signed up with an online dating service and that is how I met Richard. We were also together about 3 years. He is part of my Poly family now also. He does tend to prefer monogamous relationships, so he occasionally dates other women and he will probably get involved in a monogamous relationship eventually and our relationship will become platonic.

John- Dated John again for 1 1/2 years. Towards the end of this part of my relationship with John is when I started thinking that monogamy wasn't working for me. I wanted the freedom to see other people. We went 8 months with no contact. Then, I contacted him and explained about my lifestyle and asked if we could see each other, under these new conditions. He agreed.

Charles- It was love at first site when I met Charles. I met him at a night club. He is the only one of my current lovers that I have never had a monogamous relationship with. He has a primary lover (Holland) and I am his secondary. I am pretty close to Holland and we have a good relationship too.

[MonoVCPHG]

Wow! Keep up the sharing :)

[idealist]

Many individuals have developed a manner of living that relies heavily on deception and manipulation as a means of self-preservation. It can become a habit and even unconscious. I was shocked when I became fully conscious of how capable I am of manipulation and deception. My experiences with therapy, 12 step recovery groups and interaction with a spiritual teacher brought me to a point where I wanted to be more honest….that was the first step for me. I found that there is great freedom in honesty.

The next step, for me, was honesty with myself. How I have avoided that! It’s not easy to be honest with yourself, especially when your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and/or desires are not in line with what is considered “normal” in the society where you live. Being an extrovert (not that introverts don’t struggle with this) I have struggled with the need and desire to be accepted. So- one of the things I spend a lot of time and energy on is developing and nurturing a peer group of individuals who have similar lifestyles or similar values, and who are operating from a similar level of consciousness with the desire to live an honest life. I believe this forum is an example of that, for me, and that is why I am sharing my story here.

[idealist]

Becoming aware of and identifying what my core values are has been a very important process for me in becoming more conscious and honest with myself. I found a list of values which is quite exhaustive. (I’ll attach it to this post as a PDF. let me know if you would like a txt version) One week, I went on a vacation with a few friends and we brought the values list and each studied it and worked on identifying our core values by choosing the ones that are most important to us.

I’m going to share how I use it, but first some of my personal thoughts about life in general to lay the groundwork.

I can spend energy creating environments which are conducive to certain things like motivation, romance, success, love, etc. but the only thing I can actually control in terms of my place in the world and my interactions with others is how I react or respond to each circumstance which is presented to me in each moment. I have come to believe that I am the thinker; not my thoughts. And as a result, I can manage my own thoughts, beliefs and subsequently behaviors. I can be aware of my emotions and do not have the desire to control them, but I can allow them to flow and remain aware of them. So- how to react in the moment to a circumstance?? That’s when awareness of values comes in.

We all can (and do) make split second reactions and responses daily to people and events in our lives. What is driving my reactions? Well, we all know….. A lot of things can cause a reaction. But, I believe that becoming aware of our values; you might say bringing them out into the open will result in our responses and reactions being driven by what we value.
And as a result, we begin to create more in our life which supports our values.
So- that’s how I use the Values List.

It has been an awakening process for me and my friends. We have really discovered some interesting things about ourselves by studying our values lists. One of the things worth mentioning here is this:

I have come to believe that many life struggles are a result of conflicting values.........and the desire to satisfy some of my own conflicting values is what has landed me in a polyamorous lifestyle.

[idealist]

My weekend was good! I went out to dinner with Katherine on Friday night. The weather is so good this time of year in the South, so we found a restaurant where we could sit outside. We had these delicious drinks….basically a cosmopolitan on the rocks……I like mine with a premium vodka like Belvedere, with Grand Marnier, cranberry juice and a twist of lime. We had crab cakes and fish tacos!! We talked and enjoyed each other’s company.

I know I am bisexual and that having women to love in my life is very important to me. Since I’ve already been in a lesbian relationship for 12 years; and I found that I missed having a male partner…….I have struggled with having to choose between a heterosexual lifestyle and a lesbian lifestyle.

If sexual orientation is something a person is born with, but lifestyle is something a person chooses……then how do you live a bisexual lifestyle? This has been my dilemma. Until now……polyamory is the answer for me.

So- Katherine is not in a place where she is willing to let go of having male lover(s). She identifies herself as bisexual without ever having acted on it (except for once with me. I had introduced her to a guy I’ve known for many years, but I’ve never been romantic or sexual with him. She and he hit it off and the three of us ended up having a sexual three way which was very fun and enjoyable for all of us. But…..sadly…..a week or two later, the guy decided to enter into a monogamous relationship with a woman he had dated recently. She wanted to get back together and he agreed. So, it was disappointing to me and Katherine because we were looking forward to more time together as a triad). So- anyway; we talked Friday night about finding a guy that we both like and feel compatible with to form a triad or V with. So, I am really happy about that. Considering that we (she and I) are both soooo picky about the people we become involved with, and the fact that we don’t tend to be attracted to the same type of guys, it seems like an impossible thing, but we are just going to “put it out there” and see what happens.

I found it funny that she and I ended our evening fairly early which meant I was already home by 9PM when Charles called and wanted to know where we were. I had told him and Holland that I would be with Katherine that evening and he had gotten a “yard pass” from Holland to come out and find us. I don’t think he is the guy that Katherine and I are looking for. Holland is his primary and although she and I get along well, the two of them (Charles and Holland) are pretty co-dependent on each other. Charles and I have been able to manage to continue our relationship, but I’m not willing to attempt bringing Charles into a V with me and Katherine. The reason is because Holland is new to this lifestyle and I don’t want to be the one to cause her discomfort. I know her well enough and I know what she is okay with for now. I can introduce her to guys for now, but will hold off on introducing Charles to other women (for now).

Charles did end up spending the night with me and he was so sweet. It was so obvious that he just wants to be loved. And having two women who love him (in very different ways) is something he is really enjoying. Charles is interesting (like a lot of guys, I guess) because he often looks like a biker (with tattoos and lots of leather) but after making love when he is lying there, vulnerable….well OMG……that is why I can’t give up male lovers. That sweet time with a man is the most precious thing!!

I spent Saturday evening with Richard since his daughter got married. It was good because I got to see two of his brothers and two sister-in-laws along with nieces and nephews that I haven’t seen in several years. The wedding was fun….I was glad I brought my iPod with party music since we were able to hook that up to the sound system and I managed to get everyone up dancing at the reception!!!

Richard spent the night Saturday night and I just loved him!!! It was an awesome night too. It was fairly early when we got home from the wedding and we weren’t ready to go to sleep yet. I dressed in my stockings with high heels, garter belts etc. under a dress and did a strip tease for Richard which was something I had never done with him (even though we’ve known each other for around 6 years). He loved it!!! He is my sweet man…..we have such an emotional connection. We were “friends first” when we met and that friendship has continued on. I feel very fortunate in my life right now.

Everything isn’t going as good as my love life. The economy has really hurt my business and we are struggling in that arena. So- I’m going to post this and head to the office!

[idealist]

During my years of therapy, I realized that I have a "fear of being trapped" when I'm in a relationship. This "trapped" feeling has come up in every monogamous relationship I've been in. I have chosen partners who are not possessive or jealous because I have known that I could not live with that. But no matter how much freedom I had, there would be an underlying feeling of being trapped and eventually it would create enough turmoil deep within me that it would affect my ability to love my partner and feel contentment in the relationship.

I have always thought that this was “my issue” and assumed that it was not necessarily a common thing that a lot of people are dealing with. But, now I’m not so sure and I wonder if this, or something like this is one of the things that lead people to have affairs and possibly one of the things that ends people up in the poly lifestyle.

[idealist]

I went out with a group on Thursday evening and Charles and Holland were part of the group. Holland wanted to leave early, but Charles wanted to stay, so he stayed and then he spent the night with me that night.

Thursday was the evening we had planned that I was going to introduce John to Charles and Holland. I have known John about 8 years, but I had not spoken to him for 8 months until a few weeks ago. I explained my lifestyle and asked if we could start seeing each other under the new conditions. He agreed.

But, Charles and Holland didn’t really like John on Thursday night. Part of the reason is that John had been out of town and had driven in (a 3 hour trip) to meet us out. On the other hand, we had been out eating and drinking for 3 hours together. He was kind of quiet and maybe didn’t really feel comfortable.....not in the same space. But, anyway….. we have a trip planned together (the 4 of us) next weekend. They have agreed to go ahead with the trip and see how it goes. I know how difficult John can be socially, but I have a great deal of respect for him and I trust him completely. So…..I’m a little nervous about it and I am having some regrets for mentioning the trip to John before Charles and Holland had a chance to meet him. I went to a movie and out to eat with Charles and Holland this evening. John was calling me and said “I would have met you guys” but I said, “Well it was a spur of the moment idea.” I really wanted to talk to them about John and they were honest to say that their first impression was that they did not feel compatibility with him, but they were willing to give it another try next weekend.

So.....that's what's going on and I hope everyone gets along next weekend!!! But, if not, I'll just see John seperately from Charles and Holland. This process has helped me to realize that I really like getting together with groups for socializing. And when everyone is compatible, it is really magical!!!

[idealist]

Immediately after I read “The Ethical Slut” (a short 2 months ago) and joined this forum, I understood Polyamory. Giving the lifestyle a name and meeting people online who are living the lifestyle was the last piece in the puzzle for me. I understand the lifestyle to the core of my being. And, I have been explaining the lifestyle to the people who are important to me. We were functioning as “friends with benefits” before this piece of the puzzle was put in place for me.

I know my male lovers want to develop long term relationships. The thing about falling in love and surrendering yourself completely to a partner is that eventually the relationship ends and you have to suffer. Your lover goes away and you miss them and have to grieve the loss. So, these guys (my lovers) are not afraid of falling in love, but they are trying to avoid being hurt again. Which makes me think that maybe sometimes; we avoid falling in love, not because we are afraid of love, but because we are trying to avoid the pain which inevitably follows the loss of a lover.

These guys really enjoy the idea of this lifestyle and so far, the experiences we have had. They are really anticipating future get-togethers. I can hear the excitement in their voices as they talk about the future possibilities and I know they are excited about the sexual part of the lifestyle and the freedom. But, when I gently remind them that this is about long term relationships and forming connections with people that we can love because we trust each other and we can be completely honest with each other- their faces literally light up and it seems that their hearts just open up right there in front of me.

It seems that we do want exciting sexual experiences, but we also want to love and be loved. And we believe that this lifestyle is a way to experience love without the desire to possess one another. It seems that the desire to possess a lover is one of the things which will ruin an otherwise healthy relationship.

[idealist]

I had a nice conversation with Richard this week. He stayed out of town last weekend because of his work. I sent him a video of Charles dancing and cutting up on Thursday night. He replied “F*ck…..I miss you guys!!!” The four of us (me, Richard, Charles and Holland) do have really good compatibility as a foursome.

Early on, Charles and I encouraged Holland and Richard to spend some time alone together so they could establish a connection and they did. They became sexual much to our delight. So, now when we all get together, she feels comfortable with both guys; as do I. I’m not really seeing me and Holland becoming sexual, but it’s possible.

But, now that I think about it, we have never had an evening with just us four. It’s really my fault because I tend to get into the idea that “the more the better” when getting people together, but we all know….that’s not always true. It’s hard to find a nice intimacy with large groups. So, I promised Richard that we would plan some good quality time together…..just us four…..really soon!! And I sent a message to Charles and Holland about it.

Anyway- as I expected, Richard did have a woman (Cherie) over for several days during the weekend. She relaxed and watched TV during the day while he was at work. He likes having someone to come home to because he gets lonely. He has known her for a while and has seen her casually, but this was the most amount of time they have spent together. I don’t mind if he wants to keep her isolated from all of us. He did send me a photo of her. He has not shared with her about his lifestyle over here. And, although I know this lifestyle is based on complete and total honesty, it doesn’t bother me if he wants to have a lover out of town that doesn’t know about all of us.

So, I told him that I posted a note on my blog about how he would probably get into a monogamous relationship and then our connection would become platonic. He said, “I don’t see that happening any time soon, so you can go write that.” He suffered a great deal the last time he “fell in love” with a woman and it didn’t work out. He’s soooo emotional…….

I had to tell him that I have a trip planned for this weekend with John, Charles and Holland and that I really wish he was going with me instead of John. I can’t imagine having Richard and John together since John is just now meeting Charles and Holland. It’s just too many unknowns. But anyway- he said “I’m sure you guys will have fun and I’ll work part of the weekend again since you guys won’t even be in town”

I had introduced him to a woman named Susan about 4 months ago and they had liked one another. They had been trying to find time to get together again and couldn’t seem to coordinate their schedules, so I suggested that he might go out with her on Saturday night while we’re out of town. We all know her too and she may be open to joining the group. The only way to know is to get to know her better. He agreed. To be honest, if he goes out with Susan, it will help him to not hyper focus on Cherie. I don’t mind if he decides to get into a monogamous relationship, but to be honest, I don’t think it’s the best thing for him right now and it’s a selfish thing too. I enjoy having access to him and am looking forward to some intimate time with our foursome!

I know it seems like "too much" at times, but people come and go from our lives and I'm trying to develop a few Vs, quads, and whatevers so there will be options for me and for them. As people drop out, new people are coming in. It takes time to establish trusting relationships and you can't tell where things are going...... it's all good :p

[idealist]

I went out tonight with Charles and Holland. They are primary lovers, but have only been together about 6 to 8 months. They are talking about getting married and I think it might be a good match. I've known Charles longer than she has and she's been feeling insecure about our past....without her. I have a hobby that I enjoy and Holland knows about it. I like to set up my tripod and my camera with a timer to capture erotic moments. I've done a lot of things by myself, but Charles was willing to participate, so that is one of the things that we like to do together occassionally and I have quite a collection of photos that I like. Holland accidentally ran across one of them last night on Charles computer and it bothered her. Having the image in her mind was difficult for her. Tonight, she asked me if she could see more of the photos of me and Charles. I resisted it for over two hours to see if she would just let it go, but she said, "I need this"

I have to admit, that part of me didn't want to share with her this intimacy that he and I have which is personal between the two of us.

But, I know the poly lifestyle is more of a struggle for her. She didn't choose it, but she is having to try it out if she wants to be with Charles and she does. So, I agreed.

I chose 5 photos. They start out where we are standing, kissing and fully clothed, I'm in leather and he is in jeans and T Shirt. And they end up with us naked (except my stilettos) and I'm standing, bent over with him entering me from behind.

She actually seemed relieved, but we'll see what happens next as she processes this.

I think she is really brave. And it makes me love her.

[MonoVCPHG]

Wow she is brave! I can't imagine asking to see those types of pictures with Redpepper in them unless she was with Polynerdist. Other than that I have zero interest in that level of detail LOL! Basically I just want to know that she is intimate with her partners. I only need to hear it once and then I have no need to hear about it LOL! That's between her and them.

Good for her, I hope she does well with it all. Take care and thanks for your continued sharing :)

[idealist]

Wow she is brave! I can't imagine asking to see those types of pictures with Redpepper in them unless she was with Polynerdist.

Thanks for the feedback Mono! I know, her bravery brought tears to my eyes. But on the other hand, you have to realize that I didn't want to share them with her. I wanted to keep that from her. But, she and I are trying to develop that type of trusting relatationship (that you have with Polyderdist) and she asked me to show them to her. I think she is trying to get to an acceptance of he and I together and because her level of trust in me has increased, she felt ready to face my relationship with Charles on another level. I think she had been working herself up to it for quite a while and was finally ready. It was like jumping off the cliff for her. She was at the edge and had to jump last night. She was so desperate to see the photos and after two hours of trying to avoid it, it almost seemed to me that I was being cruel to her. I can actually really relate to where she was. Anyway, I think it was a relief for her because she is starting to feel compersion......:)

[MonoVCPHG]

Anyway, I think it was a relief for her because she is starting to feel compersion......:)

Cool :cool:

[idealist]

The weekend went great with me, John, Charles and Holland. I was worried about whether or not John and Charles would be compatible- (only as friends, John is completely heterosexual) because they are total opposites. :rolleyes:

John is a Construction/Engineer Project Manager who has financially raised two sons alone and now they are young adults pursuing being a lawyer and a trauma nurse. Now that they are on their way to adulthood, John has the freedom to take a position out of state- which he has done and is making the highest salary of his career which says a lot considering he is about 55. He will be financially independent in 3 to 5 years.

Charles, on the other hand has lost everything 3 times. He’s in a phase of his life now where he has nothing. He hasn’t contributed to the raising of his adult daughter except to pay her cell phone bill for the last year. He’s one of those highly charismatic people and everyone likes him. He is incredibly compassionate and generous. Sometimes I feel inadequate when I observe how caring he is. And……There is something really compelling about a person who has nothing, since they are not attached to physical things and they have a type of freedom. But I don't respect the fact that he hasn't contributed to the financial welfare of his daughter. Respect is something I need to feel for a person that I am intimately involved with for a long term relationship. So- I guess I don't see him as long term.......

I have allowed myself to love Charles, but it’s with the realization that I will eventually have to suffer as I will miss him greatly when he has to “move on” to another place like he does, drifter that he is. I have realized in my life that following great love, is usually great suffering. This is what I anticipate to happen with me in relation to Charles. But I am not a person who has regrets. I enter each relationship with full awareness and consciousness. I manage my expectations accordingly. It has definitely been worth the amount of emotional energy I have invested so far.

I had my first glimmer of what a V could be like in general. It happened to be with Charles and Holland last week and it was thrilling, but now I do not think I will pursue that with them. They are too co-dependent on one another and individually they do not have the self awareness that I need to feel safe. Although the four of us had the greatest time the weekend! There was no sexual energy about the weekend since it was John’s first time to be around Charles and Holland, we kept everything on a social/friendship level. Except when I got up to go to the bathroom…..I had just taken off my earplugs and the light was filtering in….the two of them with the covers up to their necks, looked at me and smiled these Cheshire cat grins……I had caught them and they were trying to be quiet etc. because of Johnny. But apparently he heard them anyway!! ;)

So, the whole weekend was more fun than I expected. And guess what created a bridge which allowed these two dudes to enjoy one another……….humor. They had an appreciation for each other’s sense of humor and were trying to outdo one another all weekend which kept us laughing the entire time!!!…….aaahhh….laughter, it’s such good medicine for the mind and soul……:D Anyway, we talked about another/longer out of town trip in the summer to the beach.

Despite all of that however, I know better than trying to develop a deeper more intimate V or Quad with Charles and Holland. It would be destined for crazy emotional rollercoaster ride which I’m not in the mood for taking right now. :(

I’ll just let them swirl around in their little comedy/tragedy drama and continue to be completely entertained by them. It’s so much better than a movie!! Life is incredible when you understand your own personal boundaries!! And what also helps is; understanding what you can expect from someone based on what they have shown they are capable of giving and what they are willing to give!!

I know I’m repeating myself, but…….There is a lot to be said for simply adjusting your expectations to something realistic based on the other person or persons capabilities and/or willingness. It eliminates a lot of disappointment.

Maybe I’ll do a future blog on my philosophy on “Eliminating Disappointment from your Life”….it’s all about expectations and adjusting them based on the reality that you can observe.

I know people are reading my blog…..I’ve had 396 hits and I just started it less than a month ago. I’m definitely open to comments public or private!!

[Morningglory629]

Many individuals have developed a manner of living that relies heavily on deception and manipulation as a means of self-preservation. It can become a habit and even unconscious. I was shocked when I became fully conscious of how capable I am of manipulation and deception. My experiences with therapy, 12 step recovery groups and interaction with a spiritual teacher brought me to a point where I wanted to be more honest….that was the first step for me. I found that there is great freedom in honesty.

The next step, for me, was honesty with myself. How I have avoided that! It’s not easy to be honest with yourself, especially when your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and/or desires are not in line with what is considered “normal” in the society where you live. Being an extrovert (not that introverts don’t struggle with this) I have struggled with the need and desire to be accepted. So- one of the things I spend a lot of time and energy on is developing and nurturing a peer group of individuals who have similar lifestyles or similar values, and who are operating from a similar level of consciousness with the desire to live an honest life. I believe this forum is an example of that, for me, and that is why I am sharing my story here.

Very cathartic reflections. Thank you for this Idealist! My experiences in poly are very new. My lover has opened me up to it and is helping me become a more honest, open and most importantly TRUSTING person. My husband while accepting isn't quite open about his feelings. I am hoping curiosity helps him discover something better, and to an alternative to the "half-empty glass of life"

[idealist]

Ok, here's my two cents... I became open to the idea of poly because I have a multi-faceted personality to an extent that makes it unlikely (if even possible) for one person to fulfill all of those facets.

This made me think and, for me, it's also true !!!

I am a business owner and own real estate; I’m naturally administrative, so I’ve written a policies and procedures manual and oversee a staff. I sell about 1,500,000 of Home Furnishings per year. I am Creative and I design expensive elaborate custom window treatments from high end fabrics.

I have been a Retreat Facilitator for self awareness and personal growth workshops.

I have a Guru who lives in India. I have been there and plan taking another trip eventually. I am fluent in chanting many of the Sanskrit prayers and often enjoy singing and chanting into the microphone to lead the crowd which has been as many as several thousand people at one time.

I go on an 8 day Silent retreat every year wearing modest cotton clothing and taking long silent walks.

I go to an Island every year and participate in a 10 day Yoga and Juice Fast where we drink fresh juiced fruits and vegetables the entire time as a cleansing and perform 4 hours of yoga a day.

I enjoy attending Festivals and Fairs in shorts and sandals….and sitting on the ground drinking frozen adult beverages etc.

Living in the South, I enjoy boating and spending the day on a Party Barge with a group of people in our bathing suits, eating and drinking.

I like attending costume parties and will wear wigs, leather, lace, garters, and boots or stilettos and any type of erotic garb I can find.

During Mardi Gras, I enjoy wearing elaborate jeweled costumes and formal gowns and attending Balls and riding on floats throwing beads and stuffed animals etc.

I enjoy taking Erotic photography of myself and others using a tripod and camera with a timer.

I have been a Keyboard player and singer in classic rock band.

I love going to Night clubs- at least 2 to 3 times a month and especially enjoy dancing wildly to current hip hop dance tunes.

I have yet to find one person who is even mildly interested in even 50% of the things I enjoy since my interests are so varied.

[idealist]

Life is feeling pretty stable right now!! I had a great weekend since I was able to spend time with Edward, John, Richard and Katherine.

On Friday evening, I met Edward downtown. There was a lot going on, so we had dinner at an outdoor restaurant and did a lot of people watching. Edward and I have been spending more time together lately and he’s really interested in the poly lifestyle. He retired at the age of 42 and now he’s 62, so he’s lived a life of leisure for 20 years. We have not been sexual since we dated for 6 months about 11 years ago, but it could happen. He certainly seems interested in it, but we’ll see. I also invited John to join us. He works out of state and drives in on Friday evenings. The two of them seemed to get along fine. They had never met, but they knew about one another. When Ed and I broke up years ago, I met John right away and dated him for almost 3 years.

Several of my female friends joined us and we moved to a club to dance a bit and listen to some live music. Both guys left early, but I wasn’t ready to leave, so I talked to this biker dude that I met. I was really attracted to his smile which literally lit up his face when he smiled. I finally headed home, alone….with the top down…..ahhhh the spring weather in the south!!! …gotta love it !!!!

On Saturday afternoon, I went with Richard to a party that some of his old friends were having. It had been three weeks since we had seen each other…..he works out of town and had to work through two weekends. He is seeing someone in the town he works in. They haven’t even discussed his lifestyle. She hasn’t asked if he is seeing anyone else and he hasn’t mentioned it. She knows about me because we’ve talked on the phone when she’s there, but I guess she doesn’t really want to know who I am, so he’s not really getting into it and I’m okay with that. We met up with some of his old friends at the party and they played some good classic rock music together!! He plays lead guitar and was playing an old Stratocaster! He spent the night that night and it was sweet! In the morning, I woke up to find him working in my yard. That was really nice!! I’m not much of a yard person, but there were a few things that needed to be done and it was awesome for him to do that for me! We spent a few hours together talking and sharing affection with one another. It was really nice to be with him!

On Sunday, I picked up Katherine before noon and we went out to a Festival for the day. We stayed into the evening. We talked about finding a guy that we can have a relationship with. We realize that it may be really hard to find someone that we both like, but we are open to it. I shared with her about how I have been feeling with Charles and Holland. With them, I have gotten a glimpse of what it’s like to be in an emotionally intimate V. It’s very stimulating for me and just the little taste of it that I’ve had has convinced me that I really want to pursue this experience and Katherine is the perfect woman for me to experience it with. I am attracted to her and she’s attracted to me. She has the emotional maturity that I desire. I really respect her and I want to get to know her better.

I have realized that I can’t expect the type of emotionally mature V with Charles and Holland that I really desire. I love them a lot and think about them all the time, but I’m trying to step back from them emotionally. They are going out of state for a wedding, so that will give us some time apart. I have and will allow myself to love them completely, but I continue to adjust my expectations so that I won’t be disappointed by the actual emotional and spiritual level of our connection. There is no way that they will satisfy my true desire. The disappointment itself enables me to realize that my expectations and desires are not being met and that allows me to turn my attention elsewhere to a place where my expectations and desires may be more likely to be met.

[idealist]

This has been a pretty good week!
Charles and Holland have been out of state for a wedding and it’s been good because I need some space from them. They are not at the emotional level which I desire. They are really quite dysfunctional and pretty codependent etc. But….now that they are gone, I realize how much I really do love them. Love is just a really strange and funny thing. You can’t predict it. But, no matter how much I love them, it just makes more sense for me to get some emotional distance from them.

It’s interesting how when I was younger, I participated in dramatic relationships based on impulsive reactions to emotional and sexual chemistry. I never considered whether or not these relationships were “healthy” or “good for me” etc. As a result, I ended up suffering a great deal. :( Then- after years of therapy etc. I began to avoid making impulsive decisions about relationships and started being more discerning about whom I got involved with. That has resulted in some very rewarding connections. But, I think I miss the impulsiveness. And that is why I fell in love with Charles. Because he is pure impulse. Now- his life is totally f*cked because of it. :o So, when I met him, I realized that he was not someone I should get involved with, but I made a conscious decision to do it anyway…. with some established boundaries. One of the boundaries was that he would need to find a primary lover. I was on his first date with Holland and I told him “yep….she’s your match”…..and she is!!!! Now, when he f*cks up, she bails him out. I’m on the periphery just observing those aspect of his life. But anyway.....apparently, when it has to do with Charles and Holland, the game for me apparently has become a game of playing with fire without being burned.

So……about tonight.....I am on several dating sites but I am so picky that I only occasionally actually meet anyone in person. But….tonight I have a date with a guy I have been talking with this week. He has really planed this date to be something special and that’s nice. He has chosen a really nice restaurant and has reserved a special booth near the piano. We plan on going dancing after we eat! From his photo, he looks pretty attractive and we seem to be pretty emotionally compatible. He is just out of a 12 year relationship, and just starting to date again. I think I’m his first date since the breakup and they were together for 12 years. I have explained my lifestyle to him. He knows I have 3 local male lovers and one that lives out of state. I have told him about Katherine and how we have talked about finding a guy that we can have a relationship with. He says he’s never been the jealous type, so I guess he feels like he’s up for considering the poly lifestyle.

I may be spending the day on Sunday with Katherine. She is on the emotional level that I desire and as a result, our relationship is moving very slowly. I introduced her to a guy last Sunday while we were at the Festival and they are going out tonight! I had gone out with him before, but didn’t really feel compatible with him, but she likes him, so…..you never know!!!! I like him well enough to date the two of them if they approach me about it. If I hit it off with this guy I’m seeing tonight, I will consider introducing him to Katherine also!!

[idealist]

Well, my date went well Friday night with the new guy, Tom. I was immediately very attracted to him, so that was good! We had an incredible dinner and then went to an upscale dance club. A very interesting thing happened there!!! Wow!!! Even in the Deep South…… I noticed two couples slow dancing together on the dance floor. All four of them were in a huddle and they danced the entire song like that! That is just something you don’t really see much down here, especially among people in my age group (late 40’s/early 50’s). I watched them for about 30 minutes and noticed that they would change partners and the women would dance together too. You could see that they were very familiar with one another!!! The four of them would huddle up in different configurations…..it was the perfect quad!!! My thought went immediately to my polyamory forum friends and how I can’t wait to share this!!!

Anyway…..one of the women looked like a former client of mine (Lynn). But she looked at least 10 years younger than Lynn. However, I thought “I sure would like to talk to these people, so I’ll act like I think she is my client and that will give me a way to meet them.” So, I tapped her on the shoulder and when she turned around she recognized me…..it was her. I knew them!! So, I complemented them on how good they looked etc and how much fun it looked like they were having!!! I said I need to join my date, but I’d be back.

My date agreed to move to the area where this quad was, so we did. We began to talk and share with them and soon they had included us in the fun!! And it was truly fun!! I was mainly focused on the women, since I already have so many male lovers and what I’m really missing is the female lover energy in my life. My date said that during one time in the evening, Lynn said “she is hot” about me!! So- the way we left it is that my client couple said they would like to see me again, but I’m not sure if they really meant it and if so, exactly what they meant. So- I’m going to let a week or so pass and then contact her. See if she wants to go to lunch and just talk about it with her. They are around my age, both attractive, professional people who have raised their kids and apparently ready for some fun!!!! Now that I think about it, I’m thinking it’s the lifestyle itself that has made them look so young!!!

I had an incredible night last night with John (the best lover I’ve ever had in my entire life)and I’m heading out for another outdoor concert today with Richard, so I will write about that later!!

[idealist]

Friday Evening: After spending the evening having dinner and dancing with Tom and the quad that we met at the club (two married couples), I headed home around midnight and had a good night’s sleep. Tom said “I’ll wait until you call me.” But he was unable to honor his own boundary. He called me when I was on the way home and then several times on Saturday as well as a few times on Sunday. He’s just glad to be free from an unhappy marriage and eager to get back out into the dating world. I think he would have spent the entire weekend with me if I would have been available and willing to. But, I am not willing to spend the entire weekend with someone I just met, so…….

On Saturday afternoon, I headed out to an outdoor Music Festival! I made my own Diet Margaritas using a recipe I’ve been working on for several years. (See recipe at the bottom of this post.) John met us out there and we stayed until around 9:00PM. He followed me home and we had some snacks and talked for a while just getting caught up with what’s been going on. We had a nice time in the Jacuzzi and then….well, you know…… he is the best lover and the evening was great!! ;) He’s Italian and very passionate. Although he is only 5’8” tall and has a few extra pounds around the middle, he is a very attractive guy!! And he was extremely loving and affectionate that night. It was awesome and something I really needed!!! :D

The focus of my relationships is based on enjoying each other’s company and not really focused on the sexual aspect of things, but I am a very sexual and sensual person. I occasionally enjoy spending the entire evening having a sexual encounter which might begin in the Jacuzzi or taking photos and work into a nice long evening of foreplay and culminating in climaxes…..as many as we feel like having.

Even though the sexual part of the relationships is only a small part of them, in terms of time spent together, it is an important part and that’s what makes this polyamory!! Because they are all sexual relationships and when the time is right, we do so enjoy that part of our connections.

John had things to do around his house on Sunday, so I was free to go about my day as I pleased. I had plans to spend the day with Katherine, but she changed her plans and decided to go with a married couple that she hangs around with occasionally. She is not sexual with them, except in a flirty way, but they do have an intimate emotional triad going on.

I called Richard and he wanted to spend the day with me, so I picked him up and we met Katherine and her friends and another group of friends out at an Outdoor Music Concert. The weather was great and the band was exceptional, so we danced a lot and had a great time. I spent the rest of the afternoon with Richard at his house and then went home to enjoy a relaxing evening.......a nice end to a wonderful weekend!!

Recipe for 2 Diet Margaritas!!! :cool: (If you consider that a regular margarita is about 800 calories and these are less than 200, you will be amazed at how you can’t tell the difference in taste at all!)

2 Ounces premium Tequila- I’ve been using Hornitos
1 ½ Ounce Grand Gala
1 ounce Roses Lime
8 ounces Minute Made Diet Lemonade
Shake vigorously with ice cubes in a shaker and then pour mixture (with ice) into two glasses.

[Morningglory629]

Recipe for 2 Diet Margaritas!!! :cool: (If you consider that a regular margarita is about 800 calories and these are less than 200, you will be amazed at how you can’t tell the difference in taste at all!)

2 Ounces premium Tequila- I’ve been using Hornitos
1 ½ Ounce Grand Gala
1 ounce Roses Lime
8 ounces Minute Made Diet Lemonade
Shake vigorously with ice cubes in a shaker and then pour mixture (with ice) into two glasses.

Just in time for Cinco de Mayo! Saweet!!!:D

[idealist]

Just in time for Cinco de Mayo! Saweet!!!:D

Yes!!! Let me know how you like 'em !!! :D

[Ariakas]

Holy active dating life :)...congrats

[idealist]

I am feeling especially vulnerable, sensitive and emotional today. An in depth discussion with John last night has resulted in introspection and a lot of feelings coming up for me. :(

John expressed that he does not want to participate in the poly lifestyle. He says that it is not how he is fundamentally made at the core. It seems that our recent reconnection has made him start thinking about having a monogamous relationship with me again.

We were in a monogamous relationship for three years about 11 years ago. During that time, I was especially emotional and I was trying to fit the relationship into some sort of box….trying to define it etc. But it just wasn’t working so we broke up and it was mutual. Then, we dated for 1 ½ years and that ended almost a year ago. I was not emotional during that period and didn’t even cry when we broke up. I was extremely detached emotionally.

But after we broke up, I began to pursue the poly lifestyle and my life turned around. My heart just cracked open and I began to feel deeply. Richard, Steven and Charles were an important part of that heart opening for me. I love them all a lot.

So, almost a year later, my heart is still open and I’ve been enjoying the feelings of love, affection, passion and tenderness for Charles, Richard, Steven and John. Steven lives out of state, so I don’t get to have any physical interaction with him, but I’ve had interaction with the other guys and some female friends too.

When John came back into my life a few months ago, he initially agreed to see me without a commitment or monogamous relationship. I told him about the other guys, but he didn’t ask for details, so I didn’t go into it. I know him well and I knew that he would ask when he wanted to know more. But I didn’t expect him to have a problem with it.

I began to love him and he noticed a difference in me and how I treated him. He noticed how happy I am and he noticed how open my heart is. He thought my change was about just him and that is when he started thinking about having a monogamous relationship with me again.

It is very difficult for me and I am having a hard time with this. I have tried to explain that my heart opened last year after he and I broke up and it’s still open and that’s what he is seeing.

It seemed that I would lose him again last night. Unlike last year when we broke up and I didn’t even cry, last night I cried a lot. He is confused. He can tell that I love him and I don’t want to lose him, but he can’t understand that the reason I am able to love him is because I have Richard and Charles in my life and they are the ones who loved me and accepted my poly lifestyle…..and they are the reason my heart is open now.

I can understand how confusing it must be for him. And because my heart is so open, I feel deeply troubled about what he is going through. It’s sad when two people love one another, but they want different things……we each want a different type of relationship. And because of that, the relationship might not survive. It is, after all a common topic on this forum and that’s why I am sharing here. I know what I need to do, but any feedback is also appreciated.

I plan on spending some quality time alone for the next several weeks and just doing some projects around my house that I’ve been putting off…..things to keep my mind occupied. I have confidence in myself that I will work through this. The pain is great today, but I prefer to feel this pain than to be emotionally shut down like I was last year at this time. I am determined to get through this and stay true to myself.

[Ariakas]

I plan on spending some quality time alone for the next several weeks and just doing some projects around my house that I’ve been putting off…..things to keep my mind occupied. I have confidence in myself that I will work through this. The pain is great today, but I prefer to feel this pain than to be emotionally shut down like I was last year at this time. I am determined to get through this and stay true to myself.

Sorry to hear about the circumstances, I am sure you will work through it. Thanks for sharing, and you never know, now that he knows the true situation he might come back around :)

[idealist]

Sorry to hear about the circumstances, I am sure you will work through it. Thanks for sharing, and you never know, now that he knows the true situation he might come back around :)

Thanks!! Yes, maybe, but he's extremely conservative and fairly rigid. He may come around, but it will take him a while if he does. It's interesting, because in a short time, I had fallen back in love with him. You might think that since I have 3 other male lovers that I would not really have to grieve the loss of one lover. Or that, just being with one of the other ones would serve to alleviate the grief for the loss of one.....but that is so not true!!!

BTW- Steven called today....haven't spoken to him in 2 months....I KNOW he intuited that I needed some support today because we have a spiritual soul connection. That was awesome and I may fly up North to be with him for a few days in July!!!

[Ariakas]

Thanks!! Yes, maybe, but he's extremely conservative and fairly rigid. He may come around, but it will take him a while if he does. It's interesting, because in a short time, I had fallen back in love with him. You might think that since I have 3 other male lovers that I would not really have to grieve the loss of one lover. Or that, just being with one of the other ones would serve to alleviate the grief for the loss of one.....but that is so not true!!!


So true. I had an interesting conversation with my wife last night about my love for our friend. I might decide to share on this site. It was a little intense haha..

either way one thing that came out of that conversation was how, regardless of how much love I get from Pengrah and how much I know my friend care for me, I still had to grieve. Its a process, as you and I discussed via PM :)


BTW- Steven called today....haven't spoken to him in 2 months....I KNOW he intuited that I needed some support today because we have a spiritual soul connection. That was awesome and I may fly up North to be with him for a few days in July!!!

Congrats, a silver lining shines through, looks like your motto works really well for you :D...

[idealist]

Since Sunday, I've been working on a long letter to send to John. Explaining my thoughts and feelings and the poly lifestyle etc. I held off on sending it though. One of the things he said to me when explaining what he wants was "I want someone that wants to be with just me." and "I want someone who wants to travel with me." Well- I do like travelling with John. So, instead of sending this really long letter that I've spent hours on, I sent a link for a Blues Cruise. And, I got a response!! Granted, all he said was "Interesting!" but I still thought that was cool. I know communication is important in relationships, but I have been guilty in the past of overthinking and talking too much with a partner about our relationship. So, I've decided that sometimes it's best just to focus on HAVING a relationship by doing things together and enjoying each other's company! :)

So-Sunday was difficult, but Monday was better and today I feel almost normal. But, I do find that John is on my mind a LOT which is not something I'm used to. And I haven’t spoken to him since Sunday morning when he left my house. I sent a few text messages on Sunday, but he didn’t answer them.

My friend, Katherine was very supportive and she said “stay true to yourself”. She’s a social worker and I find her to be very self-aware and I respect her feedback and opinions.

I spoke with Charles and Richard about it and they were both supportive. On one hand, it seems I have lost John because I don’t think he will be able to open himself up to polyamory. He is so concerned with “the norm”. He has spoken to some of the people that he knows and they had negative feedback for him. What do you expect in the Deep South?? If he is basing his decision on what his friends and relatives have to say about it….well, there is no way. :(

[idealist]

My life is pretty mellow right now, which is good!! I have plans to go out of town with Richard this weekend. We will be attending a concert with a Rock Band and Philharmonic orchestra performing Pink Floyd music (my favorite classic rock!!!) Looking forward to spending time with Richard. He needs some clothes (jeans and cool T Shirts) and doesn’t have time to go shopping, so we’ll probably do some of that before we leave town Saturday afternoon. We’ll return late Sunday afternoon.

I called John yesterday and asked if we could get together Sunday afternoon or evening to talk. It will have been two weeks since he said he wants a monogamous relationship. I’m going to tell him that I respect his boundaries and that I will not ask him to participate in any Polyamorous behavior such as getting involved in a Vee with me and Katherine (which I had mentioned to him the first night we re-connected) and that he is free to be monogamous if that is what he wants, but I would like to continue seeing him.

I was just going to let it go, but I’ve decided to keep trying to get through to him because we have known each other for 11 years. The good thing about an established relationship is that you don’t have as much “getting to know one another” work to do. The relationship is easier. And….I fell in love with him again. I actually feel that I love him more than ever before. I want to tell him that too....

[idealist]

I had a great weekend with Richard. We went out of town on Saturday, had dinner and went to a music concert Saturday evening. The rain was so bad on Sunday that we returned home earlier than planned. I dropped him off at his house and as soon as I got home, the sun came out. I called him and said I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t have more time together, but he was enjoying his afternoon, so I felt better.

I realized that I was still upset about John. I have still not talked to him, but I sent him an e-mail.

This is what I wrote and I still haven’t gotten a reply.

There are a few things I want to say to you....things I want you to know.....

First of all, I don't know why I was so shut down emotionally last year, but it didn't necessarily have anything to do with you, although it did affect you and how I related to you. I realize it now (looking back) that I was unemotional and I understand that you were trying to talk to me about it, but I just didn't want to deal with it because I didn't want to feel anything at the time. It wasn't fair to you. Of course, you deserve to be taken seriously and have your concerns addressed.

It was a surprise for me to realize recently (after we started seeing each other again this year) that I did fall in love with you again. You were right about what you saw going on with me. I was in love with you and I am in love with you. I just wanted to make that point clear. I was not trying to deny that the other night.

What I don't understand is why we can't love one another and enjoy each other's company occasionally without trying to put the relationship in a box.

The first time we dated, I was the one looking towards the future and trying to figure out where we would be- and you kept saying- I can't plan for a month from now much less a year from now. I think that statement is still true.

Now- you are working out of state. If you and I were in an exclusive monogamous relationship again, how fair is that to either of us? The logistics make it impractical.

Not only that, but I am in a phase of my life where I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. All of my relationships have been monogamous until now, and I'm trying something different for a while.

In the last 11 years, I have only been sexual with 6 guys (including you). I have probably been on about 30 to 50 first dates within this period of time but in most cases, never even had a second date.

After we broke up last year is when I decided to live a more open lifestyle. Something happened within me and my heart finally opened up. I decided to allow myself to love as many people as I am able to love.

You expressed your feelings about my bisexual tendencies and I understand your concerns and I respect your boundaries on that. I still need to figure out some things about my sexuality and how I will express it. But I'm not confused about my ability to love.

There may be a time in my life where I would decide to pursue a monogamous relationship, but now is not that time. I believe that my happiness and the place I am in emotionally is because I have allowed myself to open myself up and I’ve decided that there are other very valid types of relationships that are loving that are not monogamous as long as they are based on honesty, respect and trust.

Being emotionally open has its drawbacks. I cried off and on all day on Sunday (the day after we went out to eat) I was ashamed of having hurt you last year and suddenly feeling really bad about it.....delayed, I know, but at least I am feeling now. I was and am also very sad about having seemingly lost you again....after getting close to you again.

I hope that by staying open, my heart will stay open and I will be more thoughtful and sensitive. I never wanted to mislead you in any way.

My perspective of me and you as a couple is this: Our temperaments are opposite in some ways. I am internally wired and I introspect about everything. It is normal for me and I tend to be more compatible with others who introspect a lot. For the most part, I am not able to introspect with you because you aren't interested in it, so although you don't realize it; when we are together, I am having to stifle a big part of myself and the way I process things. I can't truly be myself. But, on the other hand, we do share some interests and when we are doing something fun together that we both enjoy, somehow we meet in the middle and a natural compatibility happens.
The other thing that also comes up for me is the fact that life is so short and although I have probably been on 50 first dates in the last 10 years, I very rarely meet people I want to spend time with. Sexually, there has never been anyone that I have wanted to be with as much as you either. Those things are the things that draw me to you and why I keep trying to have some sort of relationship with you. I do still want to have a relationship with you, but only if we can figure something out that works for both of us.

So, yes, it is true that I was happy to be with you and spend time with you. And that I love you and care deeply for you. I know you have opened yourself up to me many times and I appreciate that. I'm sad about the thought of not seeing you anymore, but I understand if you do not want to see me.

Love always,

[idealist]

I realize that emotions ebb and flow and I guess it’s possible that feelings of insecurity and jealousy might appear for me in the future, but for now I am not experiencing jealousy in my life with any of my male lovers.

I can enjoy Charles and Holland as long as I adjust my expectations of them. Their relationship is pretty dysfunctional, so I am only able to get so close to them emotionally. When we're all together, Holland seems to be okay. But as soon as Charles leaves her field of vision, she gets nervous and anxious. They fight almost daily and have done so since they met. It seems to be a normal dynamic for them and something which creates drama and keeps the intensity up for them. Although they both express that they are tired of it, they are unable to get out of the cycle. He is telling her he's poly and has said so since they first met. (I was on their first date.....how obvious is that?) She is saying "Okay". But she is also saying she's mono and wants him to convert over. He is not really listening to her and she's not listening to him. Deep down inside, they are trying to convert each other. She is not emotionally able to accept a poly lifestyle.

Their codependency on each other is so profound. I can tell that the drama of fighting, breaking up and then making up is exhilarating for them and it's a cycle that has been consistent since they met. Each of them expresses that they are tired of it, but neither are able to break free.

The codependency itself will keep them together....no telling how long, but probably for years. The ironic thing is that if either one of them would start working on their emotional health, it would ruin the relationship. They have to stay dysfunctional to keep it together.

It’s not the type of relationship I desire and therefore I have limited interactions with them, but sometimes when Richard and I get together with them we have such a great time. Like this weekend!!

I spent the entire weekend with Richard! We met up with Charles and Holland on Saturday and had such a great time going out to eat and then out dancing! The four of us are so comfortable with each other and we tend to spontaneously swap partners in public when showing affection to each other. It has gotten so second nature to us that we don’t think about it anymore. Occasionally I would notice that people would be watching us and I would remember that we are not displaying the behavior of two traditional couples. At the restaurant, I noticed a woman watching us curiously. She was with a man and another couple. They all seemed to be quite bored with one another. She seemed to be aching for a bit of excitement.

At the end of the weekend, Richard and I discussed the fact that he will be selling his house within the next year and I suggested that he may consider moving into my house for a while and we can see how that goes. We are very compatible and enjoy spending time together. He truly feels comfortable with the poly lifestyle, as do I, so we would be free to continue with our current lifestyle. It’s been a long time since I’ve considered sharing a home with someone. The only way I would be comfortable with that is if we have an established poly lifestyle and are not still experiencing jealousy etc. It was nice to talk to him about that even if it never happens. I was surprised to hear myself saying it. I’ll have to think about it for a while and see if it is actually something that I would be comfortable with in the future

[Ariakas]

Thanks for keeping us updated, I love reading your story :)

Ari

[KatTails]

Hi Idealist - I just finished reading your blog - and I am very touched and impressed with your openness, insight and honesty. I am intrigued by how you live your life, with passion, an open heart and a great ability to be in the moment and have a great time with those around you.

To be honest, a part of me is envious of your openness and freedom. I would love to experience the love and connection of men other than my husband - but I am very introverted, shy, self conscious and I don't open up to people easily. I am trying to change those things about myself.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us!

Kat

[idealist]

Hi Idealist - I just finished reading your blog - and I am very touched and impressed with your openness, insight and honesty. I am intrigued by how you live your life, with passion, an open heart and a great ability to be in the moment and have a great time with those around you.

To be honest, a part of me is envious of your openness and freedom. I would love to experience the love and connection of men other than my husband - but I am very introverted, shy, self conscience and I don't open up to people easily. I am trying to change those things about myself.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us!

Kat

What are you talking about?!?!? :) Your “7 Stages of Grief” sharing on your blog was incredible!! Very insightful!! The ability to understand and work through the stages of grief is perhaps one of the most powerful things a person can do to contribute to an emotionally rewarding life.

Another thing I wanted to share with you is that, yes, I am an extrovert. But most of the people I have a deep connection with and a profound love for are introverts. When a shy, self conscious person finally trusts enough to share- it is truly a gift and a jewel to be treasured!! Thanks back!!

[idealist]

I found myself sharing with Richard last weekend and one of the things I said to him was....I am trying to get some distance between myself and Charles & Holland, but I'm having a hard time resisting my attraction to Charles. It's obviously not all physical....I am drawn to him in so many ways. It really makes no sense to me either!

So- I have an opportunity to spend the weekend at the beach with Charles. We have invited Katherine and she is thinking she may meet us there. So.....I'm really looking forward to the weekend with Charles and if Katherine meets us then it will really be awesome!!!

Charles has encouraged Holland to call Richard and spend some time with him while we're gone. So, part of me is trying to move away from Charles and the other part is going out of town with him for the weekend!!

I guess, for me it's about living in the present moment. I have made a choice to spend more time with him and will continue to do so as long as our connection and time together is life enhancing for both of us!!

And maybe Holland and Richard will develop an intimacy which will help her to adjust to the poly lifestyle.....

[idealist]

I spent a long weekend with Charles!! I really enjoyed it!! That was the longest period of time we had ever spent together. We were compatible enough to be able to just enjoy each other's company. I didn't realize I had become sort of defensive and protective of my own heart when with him.

Since I realized that I have to move away from him and Holland, I've tried to distance myself and my feelings, even while desiring him and time with him.

Well, on the second day of the trip, he confronted me. We had a big fight and I had to admit that I had emotionally shut myself down.
The fight was a great relief....I suggest it highly :)

I felt so much better. I'm pretty tough and it's hard to get to me affectively if I'm avoiding intimacy (consciously or unconsciously) but he was able to and it was much better after that, since I just basically surrendered my need to control my own emotions.

So, back to daily life!! I felt a bit sad and melancholy about getting back to work etc., but it will be okay! :rolleyes:

[idealist]

I have a date tonight with a married couple. We met online and have been e-mailing and talking on the phone!! I am so excited. Tonight is a big step for me in my life. My meeting this couple is an act which symbolizes my seriousness and desire for this type of relationship. I have had this dream and desire for many many years. And although I am a person who pursues what I want, it has taken me about 10 years to address this desire of mine, take it seriously and begin to take actions in that direction.

I realize that this particular relationship may not go beyond this one date, but my excitment is about the fact that I am finally doing it. The physical act of getting dressed, driving to the restarant, meeting them and talking etc. brings my body, mind and soul together in the quest. I feel very empowered by my own decision to take action. If there is anyone reading this who would like to feel a bit more empowered, I suggest to take some action. Try (as I will do) to stay as non-attached to the outcome as possible....stay in the moment....and enjoy!!!

This forum has helped me!! Thanks to everyone who has shared your successes and struggles. I feel very isolated here in the Deep South, but this forum helps me so much and I am grateful for it!!

So- I'm going to get ready for my date and I will report back to everyone!!!

[Ariakas]

I have a date tonight with a married couple. We met online and have been e-mailing and talking on the phone!! I am so excited. Tonight is a big step for me in my life. My meeting this couple is an act which symbolizes my seriousness and desire for this type of relationship. I have had this dream and desire for many many years. And although I am a person who pursues what I want, it has taken me about 10 years to address this desire of mine, take it seriously and begin to take actions in that direction.


Absolutely best of luck idealist :) Sounds amazing

Have a great night

Ari

[KatTails]

Idealist - I hope you have a great time! It sounds exciting - what a brave step you are taking for yourself!

I am very intrigued about this and can't wait to hear how it turns out!

:) Kat

[idealist]

Okay....it was the perfect first date with a couple!!! :D

Turns out, the guy's office is right next door to my business! And he and I have worked for the same company in the past. Right after I left, he started working there. I was there for 8 years and he was there for 12 years, so we know a whole lot of the same people!!

She is an introvert and he an extrovert. They have been living an open lifestyle for about 4 years. It doesn't sound like they have had a lot of drama. They only told one story about getting to know a couple for a year before becoming sexual. When the guy from the other couple claimed his wife was "ready" for a sexual encounter, this couple gently began to become intimate with her and she basically lost it and stormed out of the house followed by her husband. :rolleyes:

I told them that this was my first official date with a couple. They seemed pleased and seemed to believe that they are in fact the perfect "first couple" for me!! She shared that their first date with another couple was perfect for her!

We had dinner and one drink each. We talked as if we have known each other all our lives. Then, we went to their house for about an hour. He took photos of she and I sitting on the sofa. She sat close to me, so I put my arm around her and we put our heads together to pose. She smelled nice and her hair is beautiful and thick....which I told her!!! I took the liberty to play with her hair which she seemed to enjoy. I will post that photo to my album!!

That's it for now!! I'm happy. I feel very peaceful tonight and as if I am understood. I don't feel so isolated!!!

[idealist]

Wow……OMG. I just had one of the most incredible nights of my life and I owe it partially to this group. I owe it to myself too and to Charles and Richard. But reading posts on this forum has helped me to realize that I deserve as much love as I can experience and I deserve to share that love. I have also realized and come to accept that the people I love might be able and willing to share me and share a love with each other in their own way.
If it wasn’t for the people on this forum, I would never have made the request of Richard and Charles that I made of them last night.
Let me start from the beginning.

Richard and I decided to have a few couples over to my house for dinner, dancing and fun! Charles was already over here helping me with things around the house. Holland (Charles’s primary partner) has been having a hard time dealing with the poly lifestyle, so we all agreed that we didn’t want to invite her. We did want Charles to stay, however. He told Holland about the party and that he wanted to stay for the party. She said “okay” but didn’t ask if she could attend, so we just left it like that. This morning he told her all about it and I sent photos for her to look at. He said she was okay with everything. I think she just needs some time and a bit of distance from things so she can deal with things at her own pace. (We have decided not to hold up things for the slowest person.)

Anyway….the party was great fun. I had an opportunity to have casual sex with a man I had just met and I turned it down because I wasn’t interested in it. But that’s another discussion and I’ll post about it elsewhere.
So- the evening ended and it was back to me, Richard and Charles. We all cleaned up the kitchen and talked for over an hour about what all had transpired at the party.

It was getting time to go to bed and the question was in the air of who would sleep with me and who would sleep in the guest bedroom. There was no answer for that in my mind. I wasn’t comfortable with one of them being in the guest bedroom and probably wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing one of them was in there and one with me.

So- I asked if we could all sleep in my bedroom. They both know how picky I am about having the left side of the bed where I have my lamp, clock, book, water, earplugs etc. So- the question they both had was “Who would sleep where” so I said “Me in the middle, of course!”

I said “If anyone wakes up with a hard on, please insert it”….. OMG…..It took me about 45 minutes to get to sleep while I held my earplugs in my hand and listened to each of them snore in their own way! I was so happy and just thrilled. For a while there I was scared I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all due to the excitement of having them there with me. They get along so good too and enjoy each other’s company so much! Charles did wake me up and oblige my request and then we went back to sleep.

We woke up and Richard asked if I remembered how to make the homemade waffles we used to make (back in the days when we were in a monogamous relationship and spent a lot of time together). I said- sure but we needed a few items. Charles volunteered to go to the grocery store. It’s quite a production, but they sat at the bar and we talked and shared and laughed while I made the waffles. The last 3 waffles are always the best, so I made a whole batch, but waited until the end before serving the perfect waffles which were crispy on the outside, but very soft…they just melted in your mouth! It was awesome to be able to share the morning with them after a night with them!!

So……for those who have shared that you made a request of your lovers to sleep in the same bed with you (even if it was only for one night)- Thanks for helping me understand it’s okay.

And, for those of you who haven’t realized it may be okay to ask for something like this, I say- it is possible!!! And it's awesome!!! Go for it if you can!!!

[idealist]

Well, the most unexpected thing happened last night. I’m still trying to process how I feel about it. Charles asked me this morning and I said “I need some time to process how I feel” The main feeling I have is surprise. I wasn’t expecting it at all, so it caught me off guard. I like feeling that I’m in control of everything- not only myself, but everyone around me. I work on that and try not to do it, but it’s my nature. When someone behaves in a very different manner than what I’m expected, it throws me off.

I have struggled with this relationship with Holland because I find her relationship with Charles to be dysfunctional. But….nevertheless (because I care about Charles and I want him in my life) I asked Charles and Holland if they would like to spend the night at my house last night so we could start getting ready for a party I’m having tonight. I thought we could cook some Lasagna and start re-arranging the furniture……I want to create a dance floor in the living room. Also, they got me a really nice used foosball table and I wanted to set it up in the house.

So- they said “sure” and came over. Before you know it, they were playing around on the sofa and Holland said “Come here- I want you over here with us. I know this is what the two of you have been wanting, so get over here.” Well, there wasn’t room on the sofa for all of us, so I said let’s go in the bedroom. We did and ended up having a wonderful love making session between the three of us before going to sleep and again this morning.
It’s just something I was not expecting, so I guess I’m still in shock. There is a chance now that the two of them with me and Richard can have some type of quad relationship since Holland and Richard have already been intimate a few times.

I wanted to post this and now I will start cleaning house and getting things ready for tonight. They went to her Dad’s house to celebrate Father’s day early. They’ll be back later to help get ready for the party. Richard will be here as well as two other couples tonight.

I had mentioned on a prior post that I ran into some business associates (a married couple) at a club one night and found out that they are in a relationship with another couple. Well, I called the couple that I know and invited them to the party tonight. I always liked this couple when we were working together. So they are coming as well as the couple I went out with and talked about on my 25th blog post!!
So, life is just too exciting for me right now……I am lost for words as to how I feel, but I will be able to share more after this evening’s party and after having a few days to process things.

Thanks to all who continue to read my blog. Although I have only been "out" as poly for 3 or 4 months, I have really taken to the lifestyle as if I have been working towards this all my life. I am happy to offer support to anyone who is struggling with poly issues…..please reply to this entry or send me a private message if you would like to communicate.

[Ariakas]

warning - sarcasm alert
Sounds like you could be heading to an octoupling :D..
end sarcasm

Thats great idealist. As usual and inspiration. I love reading your posts

[idealist]

Sounds like you could be heading to an octoupling :D..

Hahahaha.....that's hilarious!!

Well....it didn't go exactly like I would have hoped (with the 4 couples) but in general, it was a good experience. I did get to spend some quality time with one couple that I like a lot. They are professional people. Very attractive. And interesting.....fun to talk to and I really enjoyed dancing and flirting with both of them! They had a lot of questions for me. I liked the questions which (to me) indicated a real interest.

There was only one drama which was very uncomfortable for me and actually unacceptable, so it has made me really sit down and talk to myself!! :confused:

Who is the me that has to talk and who is the myself that needs to listen?? Crazy. But- I have to do some serious talking to myself. I will do that in my next post.

Thanks for being there Ari and commenting on my blog!

[solarwindsfly]

Thank you for your honesty and for just showing me that what I feel and experience is not all different. I am in a poly relationship for two years and I really enjoy it. We have our moments like any relationship does but I am very happy to be here with them. So Thanks for your openness :)

[immaterial]

wow, what an experience it is to read your blog from beginning to end! Just fantastic. I look forward to hearing more. Inspiring and revelatory!

Immaterial

[idealist]

It has been a while since I have written, so I have a lot of catching up to do!! This will truly make your head spin and I can’t believe I’m living through this right now!!!.....so here goes.

Richard and I decided to spend some time and energy pursuing other couples in order to find some new friends for socializing and emotional connections which can evolve into sexual relationships.

We joined an online dating site for swingers on June 1st. We made it clear on our profile that we are looking for more than just recreational sex. We desire new friends and social companions also.

We weren’t getting the type of response that we were hoping for, but we did meet 2 couples from that site, which I did share about already. We are still in touch with one of the couples and then we changed to another site on June 14th.

We had two “play parties” at my house. There were 8 people at each one. I had an opportunity to have “casual sex” (whatever that is LOL) but turned it down.

Then, on June 14th, we joined a different site and we have already been on 10 first dates with 10 different couples from that site. Plus we attended a Pool Party that we were invited to and it was fun as we ended up with about 20 people naked in the pool!!!

This is a breakdown of the couples we’ve met. The male’s initial will be given first.

G&L- drove in to attend a party at my house consisting of 7 people. L and Richard ended up having sex with each other, but everyone else just stayed with the person they had come with…..all in the same room.

M&C- I met them for dinner on a week night and then they attended a party at my house attended by 8 people. C and Richard along with two other guests went into the GBR to play while me and the remaining guests socialized in the LR.

B&C- attended the above mentioned party. I socialized with them and we talked about possibly getting together sometime.

M&S- one Friday night, Richard and I met them for drinks. There was an immediate attraction between Richard and S, but I didn’t feel as much attraction for M. M has been contacting me and trying to develop a friendship with me which I appreciate because it may affect my attraction to him. The only thing is that S in straight, and I started thinking that maybe we shouldn’t even be meeting any couples where the female is straight because I am bi and really wanting that female on female intimacy.

L&T. We went to N.O. and met L&T briefly for a drink. I was fairly attracted to both of them, but Richard wasn’t attracted to her. She wasn’t attracted to him either. They had other friends meeting them there anyway, so we moved on.

L&J That evening, we met L&J. I was very attracted to both of them. But, she and Richard didn’t have an attraction for one another. And again, she is straight, so she had no interest in me. That leaves a major attraction between me and L which will probably never result in anything because of the lack of interest between Richard and J.

C&K. While in N.O., we met C&K. I was attracted to both of them, Richard was attracted to her and she seemed to be attracted to me…..so, we’ll see if we can meet up with them again!!

D&L. Then, I met with D&L for dinner on a week night to get acquainted. I was somewhat attracted to D, but not L. But, they invited me and Richard to a pool party on Saturday and we decided to go.

A girlfriend called and asked if I wanted to meet her out. So- I went from the dinner with D&L and met Sandy at a dance club. I had been thinking about how 3 months ago I had access to 4 male lovers and now I don’t seem to have any. Steven lives 1,000 miles away. John decided he wants a monogamous partner, so we aren’t speaking any more. Charles is with Holland now almost exclusively- so he’s no longer available and Richard is only available- basically on Friday and Saturday nights because he’s working out of town. Richard has a female partner where he’s living out of town. She hasn’t had a partner in over 10 years, so he is having a lot of sex with her. Basically, I’m suddenly needing a guy….I’m thinking this when I walk into the club and see this guy that I’ve known for a while (Jacob), but we’ve never dated. I am and have been VERY attracted to him. I walk right up to him, ask him if he’s with anyone. He says NO. I ask if he’s in a relationship. He says NO. So I say “Do you want to come home with me tonight?” He says YES. Apparently he hasn’t had sex in 3 months. OMG…it was great….. SO…..this was the first time I have had sex with a person that I am not emotionally involved with in 24 years!!!! And I feel really good about it!!! We have plans to get together again tomorrow night….a week later!! He is only the 8th guy I’ve had sex with in 24 years.

M&D- On Friday night, we went to dinner with M&D. There didn’t seem to be much sexual attraction at all between any of us, but we had a great time….felt like we had known them for years and might see them again. Sometimes an attraction does come up later....and they were people we would like to have as friends.

M&L- on Saturday night, we went to the pool party. Richard was occupied, while I befriended M&L, but especially L in the pool. I was very attracted to her and she seemed to be really enjoying me too. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to M, but I liked him okay. They expressed that they would like to go out for dinner. I later found out that she is not attracted to Richard. So- I have asked if they would like to see me alone. We have tentative plans to meet next week.

K&P- also in the pool, we met K&P. me and P played in the pool for quite a while. She is super sexy. Then, Richard came back into the pool and swept P away. At that point, K and I played for quite a while. There was definitely a physical attraction between Richard and P. Between me and P and between me and K. The only thing about them is that I didn’t really like P as a person…..she didn’t seem to be a person I would like to spend more time with. Physical attraction is great, but if there is no emotional connection, what do you have??

T&G drove in from out of town to meet us for dinner and a fireworks show. Richard and G had an attraction as well as me and G. I had a small amount of attraction for T. After dinner and drinks, she and I decided that we would go up to their room and that she and I would play for a while with the guys watching us and just see what happened. They guys actually seemed quite content just watching us, but we did eventually ask them to join us.

So- the discussions about casual sex is coming up for me now in a big way. Because, you could call this last encounter casual sex. But, the reasons why I am okay with it are various. Richard had a connection with her. They liked each other. I came to like and enjoy the guy. As a foursome, there seemed to be a good bit of compatibility. She and I really connected sexually and we both really enjoyed the intimacy with each other. It seemed to be a need that she had just as I have that need for female closeness. This is a relationship that we would like to pursue. So- I guess it’s not considered “casual sex” because there is an interest in future interactions, dates etc.

Now- the sexual interaction with Jacob…..would that be casual sex? Maybe….but I do intend on having a continuing sexual relationship with him. I am open to developing an emotional connection with him if it happens. But, maybe I’m just using him….. I need a male sexual partner. Also- I am going to ask him if he would be willing to meet some of these couples that we have met where everything was good, except the woman wasn’t attracted to Richard.

So- I said at the beginning that it would make your head spin….. I can’t believe I am living through all of this right now…….but I feel good about it so far…… I know some people might feel that it's too much too soon, but I tend to do things like that and then things eventually stabalize out after a while....so, I'm going with it.

[immaterial]

haha, how wonderful, what a whirlwind. Blessings to you on all of these fantastic adventures. I don't know how you are keeping track of it all. It's like a hurricane of new experiences.

Can't wait to hear more,

Immaterial

[Ariakas]

I don't know if my head is spinning or swimming ...:) :p

I enjoy how you can itemize and sub-compartmentalize your story line. You have quite a life and its enjoyable to read.

[idealist]

haha, how wonderful, what a whirlwind. Blessings to you on all of these fantastic adventures. I don't know how you are keeping track of it all. It's like a hurricane of new experiences.

Can't wait to hear more,

Immaterial

Hahaha.....yeah, whirlwind and hurricane kinda' expresses it! But, here's the thing....I only work about 20 hours a week. I have no kids, grandkids, neices or nephews. My home is new, so it doesn't need any maintenance. I spend from Sunday afternoon until Thursday evening alone quietly at home, doing housework, listening to music, doing yoga, walking in the neighborhood, etc. That part of my life is very serene. Then.....just as I'm getting bored.....the fun starts on Thursday evening and builds until Sunday afternoon or evening. It's quite an amazing cycle! Very managable so far!! I would highly suggest it to anyone who has the inclination!!

[idealist]

I don't know if my head is spinning or swimming ...:) :p

I enjoy how you can itemize and sub-compartmentalize your story line. You have quite a life and its enjoyable to read.

Thanks....compartmentalization helps me process things. When I was younger (in my 20's) I acted out sexually in an effort to deny my thoughts and feelings. I would feel shame about my behavior, and then need to do more drinking and acting out to block out the shame. It was a vicious cycle. I am trying to move through this current process with complete awareness of my thoughts and feelings. Remaining authentic to myself, I meditate and spend time alone so that I can be very aware of the inner dynamics. ALL of the people we have met are down-to-earth professional Southerners (like me) with no drama....easy going, friendly, pleasant....responsible, but able to take a break for enjoyment. It's quite fascinating actually.

[idealist]

Well, I’ve had a fairly relaxing month (compared to the two months prior to this one) and am finally taking some time to update my blog!!

After the two month whirlwind of meeting new people, Richard and I decided to take a break and spend some time processing everything. We have not even talked to each other about our thoughts and feelings. We’ve known each other so long and since we do not consider ourselves to be in a “primary” relationship, but we do consider our relationship to be “long term” we have taken a break from one another but without negative feelings. For us, it works best that way. We will be spending some quality time together this weekend and we will share with each other then.

Part of the decision to step back was due to the fact that Richard was feeling overwhelmed! And, I totally get that! But now, after so much time has passed and we haven’t even seen each other, or done anything fun together, we are ready to spend the weekend together.

One of my distractions was Jacob. I’ve been seeing him about once a week since running into him over a month ago. I like him a lot and got into an infatuation for him which I have enjoyed. I like to enjoy the infatuation and NRE for a while even though I understand it for exactly what it is and I understand how it is just temporary and not reality at all!! :cool: But, I have so enjoyed it and now I’m ready to put that down too!! Get back into reality so to speak.

So- as it stands now, I am in love with 5 men. John, Steven, Richard, Charles and Jacob. It might just be infatuation for Jacob….only time will tell, but for the rest of them, it is love.

John had decided that he wasn’t interested in a polyamorous lifestyle so we quit seeing each other, but we finally talked yesterday after about 4 months of no contact and we may get together for a weekend in September! John is my rock and foundation. We are opposites when it comes to personality, but we have amazing chemistry and there is just something there that keeps us coming back to each other!

Steven sent me a message today telling me that he has a deep love for me!! He lives 1,000 miles away, so we don’t see each other very often nor do we communicate much, but our connection has never weakened. When we talk or see each other, we feel as if no time has passed since our last meeting!!

I will spend the weekend with Richard and I am so looking forward to it. He and I have a deep emotional connection. We talked this morning and he said I could contact one of the couples we met and see if they would like to get together with us this weekend!

I was able to spend a few hours with Charles yesterday. He is still with Holland and seems to be fairly happy. He is making some adjustments in his life with the goal of having more independence, so maybe I will get to spend some time with him in the future. We have not been able to spend any quality time together for quite a while, but that’s okay…..I’ve been focusing on Jacob.

Jacob has captured me and I’ve been infatuated with him. I find, however, that all it takes is some time apart and I begin to get clear headed!!

So- for myself- I’m focusing on as much quality relating to my main guys. And for me and Richard, we will begin to focus on developing deeper connections with some of the couples we met on our whirlwind dating spree!!

If this still seems like too much to some, I can say that I understand how it would be too much for some people....and maybe most people. But, from my perspective, I have never been married; have no children and I have no nieces or nephews. I do not really connect with my parents or siblings. So- these relationships are not only providing loving partners for me, but also satisfying the spaces I have open for family members that either don't exist or don't fulfill me.

I do not feel overwhelmed in the least bit by being in love with 5 men. I feel very satisfied and capable of maintaining these relationships long term.....for the rest of my life in fact. :-)

[jkelly]

So- as it stands now, I am in love with 5 men. John, Steven, Richard, Charles and Jacob.

And I thought that I had scheduling challenges.

[idealist]

And I thought that I had scheduling challenges.

Hahaha....but I don't have any scheduling challenges!! That's what's really neat about my situation. I have the time available and my guys have their own lives so they are not depending on more from me than what I have available. It just works out!!!......

[idealist]

I'm just going to ramble here. I haven't planned what I'm going to say, so I hope it isn't too disjointed!!

I'm still infatuated with Jacob and we're supposed to spend time together on Sunday. It's been almost a month since we've spent any time together. We had plans one Tuesday night, but he didn't show up. Called me later and gave an excuse that sounded realistic. But, it made me realize that I am WAY more into him than he is into me. So, I've tried to withdraw emotionally as much as possible. He has still been contacting me, so we'll see how Sunday goes. He considers himself to be "short term" in my life which is one of the reasons why I have been spending time with Richard and Charles since they consider themselves to be "long term" in my life.

Last weekend, Charles was helping me with some home maintenance at my house, so he was staying here. I went ahead and invited Holland to come over too. It had been almost 4 months since I had seen her. Everything went well. We didn't have any sexual activity. Richard came and stayed a few nights too. Everything went great and it was a very enjoyable weekend!!!

Richard and I had two dates with married couples. The one we met on Friday night is freaking me out. They have been married for 33 years and he has never been sexual with anyone but his wife. He has been wanting to open their relationship up. They found us on the site we are on and we met them. She wanted to get a hotel room that night, but we told her she wasn't ready. I've talked to them on the phone several times since then and they want me to be the first person they are sexual with. I'm pretty hesitant and have just spent a lot of time talking with them at length and educating them on swinging verses poly etc. I was pretty overwhelmed at first by their desire to have me as their first one......

Then, on Saturday night, we had a date with a couple that lives about 2 hours away. They drove in on their motorcycle and we had a nice evening...we went out to eat and then to hear a live band and had fun dancing!!! They drove home that night, but we have plans to meet them again the beginning of September. They will drive in and stay at my house and we'll all go out.

We have met about 14 couples in the last 4 months and this is the first couple that we really feel good about having a mutual compatibility with.

You just never know!!! I didn't expect to like this dude so much!!! The lesson in this whole process for me is- you can think as much as you want about how you are going to feel when meeting another poly person or couple, but you can't know for sure until you actually meet them.

Also- you can think and talk....think and talk.....think and talk until you're blue in the face.....and that's good. But....you can think and talk too much. There comes a point where you just have to get out there and meet people. Because- mark my words.....you will be surprised about how you are going to respond or react to any person or people you meet and to any given situation. And each situation is different and all people are completely unique!! So- my advice for anyone reading this is.....

Just let go. Keep your wits about you, but let go of your expectations and just enjoy each person that you meet. Life is good!!!

[idealist]

Went out with Richard Saturday night, and he spent the night......we made love......talked.....laughed.....I sang while he played guitar. We spent most of the day on Sunday together.

Then, I met up with Jacob on Sunday early evening. We went out to eat and then came to my house.....made love....talked.....and enjoyed each other's company.

Then on Monday, Charles came over to help me with some home maintenance and we ended up getting in the Jacuzzi and then making love....talking....laughing and enjoying ourselves.

It's amazing to think that I made love to three of my lovers three days in a row....one after another. And- I've gotten so accustomed to this lifestyle that in each situation I was totally present with the guy I was with. This does not feel awkward or unnatural to me at all!!

There was a moment when I was with Jacob. I was giving him a full body massage and started with him on his stomach. The back of his head looked like Richard's and it was weird for a minute....I had to remember that it was not Richard. But other than that- I was completely engaged in the moment with each guy.

The experiences with each guy is so totally different. Richard was in a rare "needy" place because he had a bad week at work. He wanted to hear me say that I love him. He knew he was doing it....he said- I know I'm really needy right now, but I thought it was cool that he could say that and ask for what he needed. Making love with him was very easy and natural. We've known one another 7 years, so there is a definite comfort in our sexual expression with one another. He was unusually aroused Saturday night and I enjoyed that!!

Jacob had asked for a massage when we were at dinner. I was glad he did because so far, our sexual relationship has been all about him pleasing me and my efforts to be more dominant or more giving towards him has not gone too far. He is a very confident lover and really takes his time which is so enjoyable for me. I would say that as far a sexual pleasure goes, he is the best lover I have ever had. And Sunday evening was by far one of the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

After the massage, he was more aroused than usual and we’ve gotten used to one another, so it was very enjoyable. I really like him, not only because of the great sexual connection, but because he is an INFJ and I can really relate to him mentally and emotionally. He is very conservative though and although he knows I have other lovers, he claims that when he is in love with someone, he would never be willing to share them. He also claims that he wants a monogamous relationship. So- in order for me to continue to see him, I have to accept that he is "short term" until he meets someone that he wants to be involved with.

For now, I am willing to do that because I enjoy him so much on so many levels and I am infatuated with him now....meaning that I'm experiencing NRE big time!!! Since he’s already been single for 7 years and has not found anyone to be in a committed monogamous relationship with, I’m betting that he won’t find anyone any time soon.

I told him that if he does find someone, I will gladly step back and let him pursue it with my full blessings. But- at the same time, I desire a long term relationship with him and I told him that too.

Charles and I weren't planning on being sexual, but it just happened and he was really turned on and basically f*cked me which seemed to be exactly what I wanted and needed!!!

I spoke with John on the phone Sunday and was surprised at what he shared with me. Come to find out, after all these years, he has been withholding some of his feelings from me. Apparently he talked to a therapist about it and realized that he needed to come clean with me. We have been talking about meeting in Dallas for a Festival in September. The discussions about seeing each other again has led to lots of discussions and during those discussions, he admitted that he has been uncomfortable with my bisexuality ever since he’s known me (about 11 years). We dated monogamously for 3 years and then 1 ½ year. Why did this never come up before?? I guess what brought it up now is the fact that I have decided to act out on my bisexuality and he is uncomfortable with that.

So- I think its best that we not make the trip in September, because I need to process this. I think one of the reasons he didn’t share it is because he didn’t want to come off as judgmental. I really don’t think he looks down on me for being bisexual or for wanting to act out on it; but as a result of not telling me, I have openly expressed my attraction to women while in his presence all these years and it has made him uncomfortable the whole time.
It’s just not a good time to get together, I guess since I am glad to be finally expressing myself in a more authentic way but would have to stifle some of myself while with him.

He did tell me he loves me and I can count on one hand the number of times he has actually said that to me……..

On Sunday, Richard was emotionally needy, so he was expressing his love for me a lot!! Then, in that phone call with John- he told me he loves me…..and he hardly never says it. Then….today, Charles called and said “I think I love you.”

So- I guess the conclusion for me right now, for myself, is to be as authentic as I can....be honest and open. Feel free to love anyone as much as I want to and express that love!!

Richard and I have a 2nd date with a couple we met two weeks ago. We will spend time with them on Labor Day weekend. I am looking forward to that!! This weekend will be low key- or at least that's the plan :cool:

[idealist]

This is something I wrote after a lot of research and my own experiences within the last year. Richard and I have met and interacted with 14 couples in the last 4 months. Some of those meetings became sexual, some did not. Please give me any feedback you may have!!!

Now that we are meeting people on an online “swinging” site, I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between polyamory and swinging. It seems to me that the two lifestyles actually overlap quite a bit.

A lot of polyamorous people feel the need to say “We are NOT swingers” and within the polyamory community- swingers are at times frowned upon. I find this interesting because in my experience so far, there are more similarities than differences between the two lifestyles. The main similarity is that they are both a way to live an ethical non-monogamous lifestyle.

Responsible Non-Monogamy is about responsibility to one's partners and to agreements that one has with them, especially with your primary relationship. Responsible means honesty in communications, not cheating, as well as being responsible for protecting against pregnancy or STD's. It means both being responsible for saying no if you don't want to do something and the responsibility to respect the desires of your various partners.

The primary emphasis of polyamory is about loving relationships with more than one other partner. The primary emphasis of swinging is "casual, non emotional sex."

The difference between traditional swinging and polyamory is the word "love" (amory). The attitude of Polyamory is about seeking long-term lasting loving relationships that unlike most of our regular friends can also include wonderful sexual pleasure sharing.

But- you could also say that if two people want to share sensual or sexual pleasure as two wonderful human souls for the moment it can be very loving, even if it’s just for a one time pleasure sharing experience which may or may not result in a long term connection.

Another obvious difference is that swinging is not about personal sex, which is what a couple has in their own, private, one-on-one relationship. It is instead, about recreational friendly sex. Swinging is about trying to protect the primary relationships by avoiding emotional involvement with other partners which is seen as a potential risk.

Many swingers are really looking for polyamory, but since swing clubs and swing publications are far more numerous than polyamory, many people looking for real relationships identify with swingers but seek more than what traditional swinging offers. This is especially true of couples who only want to meet other couples for a more meaningful relationship that may include picnics and non sexual activities with the entire family.

One big benefit for people exploring responsible, non-monogamy has been that it forces us into in "conscious relating" especially to our primary relationship or spouse, based on honesty not just the usual "assumptive relationships". Too often in relationships, little honest communication takes place about jealousy for example. This is because these ideas are never challenged in traditional monogamous relationships until cheating occurs which is often devastating to the relationship. Open relationships force couples to deal with these issues and be conscious of them instead of just assuming the other will never have an interest in anyone else. Many couples tell me, by dealing with these issues honestly, it has made their relationship much stronger.

Both swinging and polyamory can be dangerous to your prime relationship if your relationship is not built on a firm foundation of true love and honest communications. In polyamory, you may have all equal relationships or you may have a primary and other secondary relationships. Open relationships magnify existing conditions within a relationship. If trust, love, commitment and openness exist, then the relationship is usually further strengthened by either lifestyle. If, however, there is jealousy, insecurity and lack of honest communications, these problems will be painfully magnified in an open lifestyle.

Working through these problems, however, in an open lifestyle, can help all aspects of the relationship, since issues may come up that are never dealt with otherwise. Sometimes relationships break up because of these issues. But that may even be good, since it uncovered problems that may have eventually doomed the relationship anyway.

Women, typically but not always, are the most reluctant to explore open relationships, however, once exposed to loving intimacy and perhaps sexual variety in safe, caring groups, they often become the strongest supporters of the lifestyle. The joke in swinging is that it’s the man who drags the woman into the lifestyle and also the man who has to drag her away from the swing club. Ironically, it is often the man who has to potential to become more possessive and jealous.

Both polyamory and swinging are optional lifestyles for bisexual women. Whether swingers or poly-couples, many couples primarily seek other couples. They often want to relate as couple friends not just sex buddies. A lot of the couples we have encountered have a bi female in them which seems to suggest that these lifestyles offer a way for the bisexual woman to find satisfaction for her sexual orientation without abandoning or damaging her primary heterosexual relationship.

Both polyamory and swinging lifestyles require a great amount of communication between the primary couple. The couple must set boundaries and become clear about what they are expecting from the experience. Those expectations must be adjusted regularly since it is difficult to know how each person will be affected by each interaction with another person or couple. Remaining aware of your thoughts and feelings and updating your level of expectation regularly is a great help. Communicating these things to each other and the individuals, couple or couples you are interacting with is crucial and very helpful so that everyone is on the same page or at least able to honor the desires and boundaries of one another.

[idealist]

I am really excited about tomorrow evening!
Richard and I met a couple (I'll call them Monica and Donald) several weeks ago. They live about 2 hours a way, so they drove in on their motorcycle!! We met at a restaurant, had dinner and then went to a casual club located on a river. There was a live band so we danced etc. They drove home and we went home, so nothing sexual happened that night.

I was attracted to Monica and Donald. Richard was attracted to Monica. It seemed that Donald and I had a lot of good chemistry as we flirted and danced together. Richard wasn't sure if Monica was attracted to him or not, and I wasn't sure if she was attracted to me or not, so we just had to wait to see if they would be interested in seeing us again.

Well- tomorrow afternoon, they are driving to my house. Richard and I will be preparing a meal for them!! (boiled shrimp, grilled salmon, sweet potatoes and asparagus) They will spend the night and we'll have breakfast the next morning (home-made waffles).

Funny thing has happened.....I have been struggling with a bladder infection!!! So- I was thinking....I don't know if I'm even going to be interested in getting sexual. So- today Monica called and said Donald was cutting grass...apparently they have a lot of property. And he had to pee- which he did- out on the property. well- seems he got poison ivy on his penis!! :eek:

They wanted to know if we still wanted them to come. As she mentioned (and I already knew) some swingers are so hard core that they would cancel a date if it was known that there would not be a "full swap" situation going on.

So- I told her that we want to get to know them and hang around with them regardless of whether we were able to be sexual with them or not.

So- they are coming and we are really excited because this is the first couple (after meeting 14 couples in the last 4 months) that we feel a mutual compatibility and attraction all the way around with !!!

Wish us luck!!! :)

[idealist]

It’s been a while since I’ve posted…so I wanted to post an update!!

Richard and I have our 3rd date with Monica and Donald this weekend!! They will be driving into town on his Harley. We plan on going out to eat and then to a local club to hear some live music!! They will spend the night at my house and we’ll probably cook breakfast in the morning before they head back!!

I am still seeing Jacob about twice a month and he is the best sexual partner I’ve ever had in my life. I’m aware that this can really feed into my addictive personality, so I limit my dates with him to twice a month or once every three weeks. It’s mostly sexual, but we do talk also and I really like him. But- I will say it’s hard to separate the infatuation and NRE from a genuine “liking”. Only time will tell whether we will be long term or not. We have been seeing each other for 3 months now…..so, I guess I have about 3 more months of infatuation!! Whoo hoo!!! Before reality sets in…… :o

Charles is really preoccupied with Holland, so we don’t see each other much anymore. And when we do see each other, it’ mostly just social. Every now and he and I get to spend a little time together, but not often.

John isn’t seeing me anymore. Steven lives so far away. Richard lives out of town during the week. I think I need a local guy that I can see more often!! So…….I have contacted Kevin. We met on a dating site over a year ago and I was attracted to him, but at the time (since I was still in the monogamous/committed mindset) I decided not to get involved with him because he has a very young son. But……now that I’m polyamorous, the fact that he has a son doesn’t matter anymore. So- we are going out tomorrow evening and I will tell him about my current lifestyle and see if he is interested in seeing me. ;)

Also…….I have met a bisexual married woman who has permission to have a female lover outside of their relationship. I have met her husband too and although I’m not attracted to him sexually, I am comfortable around him and she has made it clear that he doesn’t expect me to be with him too just because she and I are together. So- I’m thinking this could be good because she and I hit it off right away and she’s into me!!!

Life is good!!! :D

[idealist]

Last week, I received an e-mail from a former acquaintance. At one time, we had been fairly close but she had moved away. I ran into her one night at a club and we were both glad to see each other. She began to share about her life since we’ve seen each other last and asked me questions about my life. A few days later, I received an e-mail from her telling me that she is a Christian (which I knew already) and that although she isn’t judging me, nevertheless, I am sinning and need to turn my life over to the Lord.

I live in the Deep South and this was the last straw for me when it comes to being honest about my lifestyle. Apparently it is best to avoid the whole process of explaining polyamory. For the most part, people don’t get it. I have tried to explain it and my closest friends have accepted my lifestyle choice, but to say that they understand it would be going a bit too far.

After living a polyamorous lifestyle for almost a year now, Richard and I both feel that polyamory is right for us individually and as a couple.

Richard is working 7 days a week and the job site is 2 hours away, so that gives us a limited amount of time together. We manage somehow to be together as much as possible- especially when he can get a day or two off. He has reconnected with Cheri and I am glad because she lives in the area where he is working so she will occasionally spend a few days with him over there which helps to keep him company!!

On Halloween night, we went to a party and met a lot of new people!! Richard met Sherrie that night. They have managed to go out 3 times since then and that is going good. She doesn’t seem to be possessive or demanding.

So, right now, Richard has me, Cheri and Sherrie and that is working out well for him and I’m very comfortable with it. I have never met Cheri, but of course I was with Rickard when he met Sheri. When we had a moment alone, she asked me about Richard. I reassured her that he is a thoughtful and considerate guy. She asked “what is he looking for” and the simple answer that I felt was the best way to go was “friends with benefits”. They had sex on the first date, which sort of surprised me, but apparently it’s been a while since she’s had a sexual partner and Richard does make women feel safe.

Steven may be coming to spend some time with me in 2011 and I'm developing a closer connection with Tom. John won't see me any more and Jacob has lost interest in me because he is looking for a monogamous/exclusive relationship.

Just as with all aspects of life, things change. I see relationships ebbing and flowing.....people come and go from our lives. I recently ended a friendship with a woman I had known for 30 years. I had treated her like a sister, but she had gotten unpleasant and even rude to me within the last year. I sent her a letter explaining that I have no desire to talk to her or spend time with her any more.

Anyway......just sharing my misc. thoughts......any feedback is appreciated!!!

[Ariakas]

Always good to see updates Idealist. Good to see you still working through stuff.

Its unfortunate when people can't accept what people wish to do. I don't experience this, but I also tend to keep my distances from heavily religious types. Being agnostic they don't tend to appreciate my viewpoints.

Sounds like things are flowing nicely for you. Sorry to hear about John and Jacob, but things happen, relationships come and go. With your energy and positivity I am sure you will find what you want.

Ari

[nycindie]

Hi, I've been reading through some of your blog. I like how you manage multiple relationships as a solo independent woman. Thanks for sharing so much. I will keep checking back. :D

[idealist]

Hello everyone!! I’ve been reading, but haven’t posted in a while.

I finally met a woman and have been seeing her since November!!! I wanted to share my experiences around this with everyone who might be interested.

I have desired a female partner for about 5 years now. I had a profile on okcupid for a year. I was about to delete my profile, but decided “what the heck….it’s free” - so I kept it active and one evening, I did a search and found her!!!

She has been in open relationships before, but she did not integrate herself with the social circle and families of her partners in the past…..for some reason and wasn’t feeling comfortable with the thought of meeting my other partners etc.. I, on the other hand, am integrated into the social circles and lives of my partners and they are integreated with mine. She and I had not been able to come up with a vision of how we could move forward into our relationship so that each of us are honored and comfortable as well as getting our needs met.

She is a lesbian and is most comfortable in the gay community for social interactions. All of my partners and friends are heterosexual and not familiar with the gay community.

So- a few weeks ago, one Saturday evening, she texted me to say she was at the local gay club. I was in the middle of the party at my house (that I didn’t invite her to because she is simply not ready) and we had all decided to go out. So--- I got the idea to ask the group how they would feel about dressing up for Mardi Gras and going to the gay bar which has a great lit dance floor and kareoke. The men were uncomfortable with the idea, but all of the women seemed excited about it. My primary male partner (Richard) was here and he didn’t seem to care one way or the other. I told everyone that my girlfriend would be there.

We decided on the way there that if anyone was uncomfortable or wanted to leave we would. Everyone was so nice to my girlfriend and treated her like they’ve known her all their life. We had so much fun!!! Everyone enjoyed it so much!! Now, because the ice has been broken, she has asked to become friends on Facebook with some of my friends and a few days later she bought a 100 page Hal Leonard guitar tabs book at a garage sale for Richard. When I gave it to him a week later, he sat there with it for an hour going through it page by page talking about each song!!

Last weekend, we attended another social event with more of my friends including Charles and Holland. Everyone loved her!!!

So- things are going good for me.

We have not been sexual yet, because we don’t want to fall into the “too much too soon” dynamic which can ruin a relationship and I really feel like this could be a long term connection on many levels which is what I have desired for so long!!! We do have plans to go to New Orleans for a weekend, so we’ll see!!!

[idealist]

I am studying to be a Life Coach. We did a process on Values. When reviewing the values which I selected as being most important to me, I realized they can be divided into four groups.

A small portion of them are things which I have to work on within my mental and emotional self (like awareness and growth.)

Another small portion is made up of things which I have to work on physically (like health, fitness and financial independence).

A large portion of my important values can be realized by adjusting my state of mind (like balance, certainty, confidence, decisiveness, determination, freedom, harmony, optimism, perseverance, self-reliance, stability and strength.

And, the interesting insight I had which pertains to Relationships is that a great portion of the things I value most in life can only be realized within the context of relationships. (Like directness, entertainment, honesty, intimacy, leadership, love, openness, persuasiveness, respect, support, trust and understanding.

So- for me, remaining content and fullfilled is simple......nurture my relationships and maintain a conscious state of mind!!!!

[idealist]

Also wanted to share that I am not seeing Charles sexually any more since Holland isn’t comfortable with it. Since Richard lives out of town during the week, I wanted to find a guy to “take Charles place” although I hate to put it that way.

Anyway- I found a guy on SLS and had messaged him about 6 months ago, but decided I wasn’t ready to meet. Then, in December, I messaged him and said I wanted to meet. That was when he said in a message “we have met before”!!!

Come to find out- he is married and they are polyamorous!! They’ve been married 11 years and I met them at church 10 years ago. I was very attracted to them as a couple. She has a secondary male partner that she sees once a week.

Unfortunately she isn’t bisexual because I am so attracted to both of them, but he and I have been seeing each other about once a month and I am really enjoying him!! Our conversations are great!!! He has an incredible body and so talented sexually!!! They also have attended several social events at my house!!!

[Carma]

Ever heard the song by Indigo Girls "The Southland in the Springtime"? There's a line in it that says, "When god made me born a Yankee he was teasin'" That's how I feel when I read your posts/blog. Hello from way up in Ohio :)

[idealist]

Hello Carma!!
I have not heard that song, but I LOVE the Indigo Girls, so I'll make a point to look it up!!! Thanks!!!
Idealist

[idealist]

I am spending a few days in New Orleans with my female partner- I'm calling her Brenda. We met in November and have been seeing each other since then. She has met Richard, my primary partner, Charles, Holland and about 6 to 8 of my other friends. She is a lesbian and at first she said she didn't want to "integrate" into my life. Since that is what I wanted, and she can't resist me ;) she has gradually "integrated" until we are finally ready to spend this quality time together and I'm thinking this will be our first time to have sex!!

I'm nervous because I haven't been "one on one" with a woman in over 10 years.
She hasn't had sex in a year, so she's nervous too!!

Richard reserved a room in New Orleans for 2 nights, but with his work schedule, he can only make the second night, so he said I could invite her and she and I could spend the first night there.

She is still acting rather hesitant around him and it's obvious that it's her issues because he is so accepting of her. I don't think she really knows how to relate to men. There is no telling what she has experienced. I am thinking she has been abused in some way by a man or men.

I have held bounderies with her which has created an interesting dynamic. She has pushed against those bounderies, but I haven't really given in. She's accused me of being controlling, but I don't care. I might be a bit controlling, but I'm okay with it. She trusts me also, so there is an interesting conflict that she has within herself. And, the boundaries have allowed us to take our time getting to know one another without jumping into the NRE head first. As a result, we have been in a fairly blissful state for 5 months!

Anyway....I just wanted to share with my wonderful polyamory family!!

[idealist]

Brenda and I spent the day together in New Orleans. We went back to our room about 5:00PM to "freshen up". She took a shower and then I did. We put on our pajamas and enjoyed lounging around, being affectionate and talking. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I returned I did so without my pajamas!!

Our plan to get dressed and go out that evening changed immediately!!

It was a great day and evening!! In the morning, she didn't have an issue with the fact that she was leaving and Richard would be joining me. She understands (because I told her) that Richard (or any of the guys I see) can not provide me with what she gives me.

The interesting thing about our sexual experience was that I wasn't sure what she would be like in a sexually intimate setting since she presents a butch image. She has beautiful thick long blond streaked hair (below her shoulders) but she doesn't wear make-up and she dresses pretty butch- definitely androgynous.

Well.....OMG!!! when she takes her clothes off, she is total woman!! So feminine and her energy is so very feminine!!! I thoroughly enjoyed being with her and I feel so much closer to her now!!!

Can't wait to see where things go from here!!!

[nycindie]

I thoroughly enjoyed being with her and I feel so much closer to her now!!!

Can't wait to see where things go from here!!!

Happy for you!!!

[idealist]

Just some of my thoughts and opinions about NRE.
NRE is so intoxicating that there is an impulse to feed it by spending as much time with your new love interest as possible.

I would like to suggest another way to approach it!!

First of all, the magic ingredient of NRE is chemistry. Powerful chemistry between two people is almost tangible and not only does it draw people together, but it is so compelling that it will keep people together when a relationship without chemistry would have faltered long before.

So- when you have powerful chemistry with someone, just remember this. Powerful chemistry doesn't just go away. It is dynamic and steady....you can depend on it to remain constant.

step 1- identify that you definately have profound chemistry
step 2- remind yourself of the long term affects of a real chemistry

Now- what I would suggest for step 3 is different from what our impulses tell us.

step 3- create some boundaries.

Get to know each other. Don't talk every day. Just spend enough time together to test the chemistry by flirting, kissing etc. Don't have sex yet.

does anyone agree with me???
feedback would be great!!!

I am so convinced of my perceptions of NRE and how to ride it to it's fullness that I would like to discuss it and especially with people who disagree with me!!!

[Gecko]

Hunh?

lol! This is my guess, but I only scrolled back two pages so I could be wrong...or there could be more...


I spoke with J*** on the phone Sunday and was surprised at what he shared with me. Come to find out, after all these years, he has been withholding some of his feelings from me. Apparently he talked to a therapist about it and realized that he needed to come clean with me. We have been talking about meeting in Dallas for a Festival in September. The discussions about seeing each other again has led to lots of discussions and during those discussions, he admitted that he has been uncomfortable with my bisexuality ever since he’s known me (about 11 years). We dated monogamously for 3 years and then 1 ½ year. Why did this never come up before?? I guess what brought it up now is the fact that I have decided to act out on my bisexuality and he is uncomfortable with that.


If this is you eb330033, and your uncomfortable with her sexual orientation...My advice would be to NOT read her blog, its hot stuff! and its only adding fuel to the fire so its not gonna make letting go any easier for you. And I wouldn't worry J*** is a very common name, you'll be fine.

And now going back to minding my own business ;)

[Gecko]

HA! Its a woman! My guess was way off! That'll teach me for being nosy!:D

[idealist]

If this is you eb330033, and your uncomfortable with her sexual orientation...My advice would be to NOT read her blog, its hot stuff! and its only adding fuel to the fire so its not gonna make letting go any easier for you. And I wouldn't worry J*** is a very common name, you'll be fine.
And now going back to minding my own business ;)

Just wondering Gecko---- what are you talking about?!?!??! :o

[idealist]

Gecko----That relationship was over a year ago....water under the bridge. You must be confusing John with someone else!! Anyway- no worries!!!

[Gecko]

I totally was! How embarrassing for me, lol
My apologies to 'John' haha!

[idealist]

It's okay- John doesn't read this site!!!

[idealist]

It seems to me that polyamory attracts a lot of emotional people. I totally get that….. polyamory is about a heartfelt connection…..that’s what I want. For me, it’s not satisfying be sexually involved with someone I am not emotionally connected to. So- I do seek these types of connections.

At the same time, when given the opportunity for a high intensity sexual experience on the first night of meeting someone- well, sometimes I just have to Go For It!!! Especially when the “someone” is a couple and I’m attracted to both of them!! ;)

After participating on a couples dating site, Richard and I had met over a dozen couples, but none of these connections were mutually emotionally compatible all the way around. So- we decided to give up on that for a while.

I got involved with Brenda (had to re-name her) and that was going good for a while, but ended recently. Although I am polyamorous, I had decided not to see other women while I was seeing Brenda and that worked out for me….as long there was hope for us as a couple. Once that hope was gone, I became restless

So- I decided to advertise as a single for a while and see what happens. I am well aware that the available single bisexual woman is highly sought after by couples. So, I figured- what the heck.

So, recently a couple contacted me. I could tell by the photos that I would be attracted to her. He didn’t look so attractive, but I had a feeling that he is one of those charismatic guys and sure enough- that was the case!!

We met for drinks and dinner. Within 10 minutes, I knew I was attracted to both of them and liked them a lot! He is a really cool guy also!!! I asked them if they wanted to come to my house and they said they did.

We sat outside on the patio talking. I went into the house for a few minutes and when I returned I asked how they were feeling. I wanted to get her into the Jacuzzi with me!! They said that they were both attracted to me also, but that she had to work early the next morning. So- I asked her what time she needed to get to sleep- she said about 9:30. It was already 7:30, but I promised I’d have them out of here by 9:00 which I did!! OMG- it was awesome. Sometimes a good spontaneous sexual encounter is just what the doctor ordered!!!

[nycindie]

Sometimes a good spontaneous sexual encounter is just what the doctor ordered!!!

Indeed! :D

[idealist]

It's been a while since I've posted!! Still living a happy poly life!! Me and Richard are still primary partners. He purchased a 2nd home and we are remodeling it. It is 2 1/2 hours away from my home and his 1st home but it's on a bayou and we're thinking about getting a boat!
He lives over there most of the time...he comes home on weekends, but he will also go up to a month without coming home. We did spend 2 weeks together over the Holidays and that was awesome!!
We went to the local swingers club for New Years Eve and had a blast.
Met a couple that lives pretty close to me!
He had a date this evening with someone he had met on POF and that went pretty good! She only lives 40 minutes from his 2nd home- the place he lives at during the week, so if it goes good, he will have someone in that area to spend time with!
It's a lot harder for him to find women who aren't trying to possess and demand monogamy, so he gets excited when he meets someone. It went well tonight and she will be returning to his house on Tuesday- and he said "bring your overnite clothes" and she said "okay"....so we'll see!!
I also recently met a new guy....I went on Match for the free 30 days and then cancelled my membership. He met me and some friends out and Richard was with us too, so they got to meet each other. Come to find out, they went to school together in this small town in North Louisiana!! Small world!!!
So, I'm hoping to have some polyamory activity soon, now that Richard is somewhat occupied with this new woman. I have a handful of people- mostly couples that would like to meet me by myself and I'm open to that for sure!!
So- hoping to get active on here again for a while....I miss it!!!

[idealist]

I have become a Professional and Life Coach working with Teams and Individuals!! There is a system of looking at Professional Teams that has proven to be extremely effective in the business arena! These 8 aspects of a productive Team can also be applied to any type of group or relationship. The research was taken from a Gallup Poll which surveyed 1,000,000 employees in 45 different industries and internationally as well. These are the 8 aspects of the environment which supports healthy relationships. Just for the fun of it, I applied it to the poly relationship I'm in now and it's pretty cool. I invite anyone to do the same and share it if you are open to it!!!

1. Express Authentic Appreciation— Since we are so compatible on an essence and values level, we do experience a lot of authentic appreciation for one another. We each share a value of freedom and the desire of being available to share connections with other partners or potential partners. The ability to pursue these connections and then share our feelings and experiences with each other is something that we really appreciate.

2. Address Shared Interests—We both enjoy live music- especially outdoor concerts- cooking meals together- hosting and/or attending house parties with other like minded couples who have open relationships. We both enjoy building and remodeling houses, so we are working on a remodel project now for an old home he recently purchased. He likes sporting events, so I watch them with him. I enjoy dancing, so he goes dancing with me occasionally.

3. Include Appropriately— We include each other in the pursuits we both enjoy and we do not expect each other to participate in or attend events they are not interested in. If that event requires an escort, we are free to attend the event with another partner. Occasionally, one of us (or both of us) will bring a secondary partner(s) in and share an event with the three/four of us which makes the secondary partner(s) feel somewhat included in our primary relationship dynamics and it allows each of us to feel included to a certain extent in the dynamics of the secondary relationships.


4. Keep All Your Agreements—when we started the poly lifestyle, we had more agreements than were necessary, so gradually we reduced them as we got more comfortable. Our agreements are to be completely honest, trust one another, respect one another and be considerate.


5. Live in Reality-based Optimism— We regularly adjust our reality-based optimism as reality is experienced. We stay in reality by sharing our thoughts, feelings, desires and disappointments. As we support one another in authentic sharing, the reality becomes foundational. We have had some surprises in terms of how we expected to react or respond to different aspects of this experience. As we process the actual reactions and responses, our optimism is based on experiential reality.

6. Be Outcome Committed—We are committed to nurture our long term connection with each other in honesty, trust and respect. We show that by continuing to create things together for the future and we look towards the future and our lives together in that future.

7. Avoid Blaming and Complaining—we did a fair amount of this in the beginning when we were monogamous and trying to possess one another. We also had the idea that “you are my everything” and there was more pressure on each of us which led to frequent disappointment with one another. Since opening our relationship several years ago, there hasn’t been any blaming or complaining.

8. Clarify Roles, Authority, and Accountability—We gladly take on roles and authority over the areas which align with our individual strengths and talents- and we alternately surrender roles and authority over the areas we are not so suited for. The honesty, trust and respect that we have for one another supports an accountability which comes naturally.

[BlackUnicorn]

I love this! Sorry, nothing less inane to say atm.

[idealist]

Richard and I had met a couple a few weeks ago and there was a mutual attraction all the way around!! We invited them over this weekend and had a great time!! We really enjoyed each other's company. We were very comfortable. The guy knows one of my first cousins and he knows Richard's brother. OMG...it's a small world!! But, we like that. It makes us feel better about people when we know their backgrounds and their families.

She is stunningly beautiful!! Long curly black hair and large beautiful breasts. She and I started dancing, then kissing, then dancing more......I just about quit breathing when she started reaching under my skirt. She was expecting to feel a thong, but she didn't....she instead found a moist area.....if you know what I mean. She exclaimed with pleasure which made me laugh and I said "what did you find?" She said "You're ready" so I said....well.....let's go.....come on guys!!!! Several hours later she and I got into the Jacuzzi together while the guys served us fruit with chocolate sauce!!

Now....I have a date with a new guy!!! I had decided I was ready to find a new male partner, so I signed onto match for a free 30 day trial. I found a guy on there (I'll call him Pete)....in his photo, he resembled my primary partner, Richard!! We talked on the phone and I really liked his voice and he was fun to talk to also!! I told him I am polyamorous and surprize surprize...he's cool with it!!! So- I was going out with Richard and a couple of female friends one night and Pete met us out. He was more attractive than his photo and turns out he and Richard grew up in the same home town!! He went to school with Richard's sister.

Richard is working and living 2 1/2 hours away from me during the week and will be there for most weekends until next summer. I like driving over there to spend the weekend, but I'm not really feeling like driving over there every weekend. He's working during the day anyway, so I'm just hanging around his rent house....he did buy a house there and is re-modeling it, so that will be much nicer when it's done!! Anyway- Sherie is spending a few days with Richard this week, so I was glad to get a mesage from Pete today!!

He asked me out and we are going to a really nice restarant and then out dancing to a nice club in town. I already know he likes to dance and dances good!! He lives about 50 miles away and the last time he came to town he booked a Hotel room in town. So- I'm hoping he does that again and I'm expecting to have a good meal....a few good drinks.....some dancing and then to the hotel room!! Yes!!

[Arrowbound]

Wow... this is one of the most exciting blogs I've read thus far. Thanks for letting us all in, Idealist.

[idealist]

Wow... this is one of the most exciting blogs I've read thus far. Thanks for letting us all in, Idealist.

Well...thanks- I'm honored! :o

[idealist]

My 2nd date with Pete went great!! Since we're poly, I invited a girl friend to accompany me on the date! Not something I ever did before when I was playing the "looking for a monogamous partner" game. But- he was thrilled that I invited her and we had a blast. She looked good!!

We went out to eat first at a really nice restaurant which gave us time to talk. He and I had a few phone conversations, but our first meeting was in a club with a lot of people, so this was the first time we got to sit and talk....getting to know one another. He is one of these laid back guys- smiles a lot and just goes with the flow....a true gentleman and interesting! And....he dances!!! That's a big plus for me!! The three of us danced together a lot and we would swap up for slow songs. The two of them hit it off pretty well!!

Around midnight, I began to talk about leaving. He had rented a room at a nearby hotel (since he was working in town that day and lives about an hour away) so I had come prepared to go back to the hotel, but I started introducing the idea of inviting my friend (I'll call her Marie) to join us. Part of me wanted to have some time to enjoy him by myself since this was going to be the first time for us to be sexual, but the three of us were having so much fun that I wanted to extend that into the bedroom!!

She did end up declining saying "I'm not prepared" and that could have a lot of meanings....so I said "next time" and we all agreed!

It did work out good for he and I. We got to his room and I had my little bag with my toothbrush and a lace camisole among other things. I excused myself to the bathroom where I freshened up a bit and put on the camisole. He was surprised when I came into the room! I also had my KY which I whipped out pretty much right away. He was already hard and really appreciated my getting things started like that!!

He kinda did that thing that guys do sometimes...reminds me of a kid in the candy store if you know what I mean!! It was nice....we enjoyed various positions and experimented with one another. After I had about 7 or 8 orgasms, I asked if he was ready to finish so he asked me to choose the position. I said- standing on the floor up to the edge of the bed and he was like "I love that too!"......I meant me standing and bent over with him entering from behind. So he positions me on my back with my butt up to the edge of the bed and he stood and started going for it! I'm thinking "he's going to flip me and stand me up and finish" but what actually happened is that apparently he thought this was the position I meant.....and in fact.....wow, it was a good position!! About an hour and a half after arriving, I was heading home!!

I am hoping to see him again and can imagine this being a long term thing!
I've had a vision of me, Richard, Pete and Marie getting together for social things (and more, I hope). He has an aunt that lives in New Orleans....well- we all love going to New Orleans for live music.....so I'm visualizing this!!!

I'm very happy with it all. I told Richard about it. He asked some questions and when he realized I was pleased with the evening and having visions of future get together which might include him, he seemed comfortable with that. I double checked with him "you did like him the first time we met?" and he said "yes". Then he said "well, baby, I'm glad you had a good time...that's great"!!!

There are several advantages of pursuing a relationship with Pete. He is a sensitive and thoughtful guy; financially successful, attractive, funny, easy going, and best of all- kind and loving, AND (like me) he is not into the dramatic emotional NRE stuff. I have nothing against that for anyone that enjoys it, but Richard and I avoid emotional NRE just like we avoid all the varying types of drama that can come along with people and relationships and that works for us. I think Pete feels the same way!

So- only time will tell, but I'm certainly hoping this leads to lots of fun and pleasurable socializing and more!!

[idealist]

Well---looks like I got my wish!!! me, Richard, Pete and Marie are going to New Orleans tomorrow! Marie invited a female friend, so I invited a male friend who lives there....and I invited a couple that Richard and I recently had the pleasure of meeting and spending an evening with! It's crazy because Mardi Gras was last weekend, but when you live here, you prefer things less crowded, so we decided to wait until after the crowds leave! We have 3 rooms in the same Hotel and I am bringing snacks, drinks and music...hoping to move the party to our room!! I really need this "escape" and of course, I will let everyone know how it goes!!!

[idealist]

OMG!!! Things turned out great!!

So.....me and Richard drove to New Orleans in time for lunch on Saturday. Marie hasn't had a sexual experience in three years, so she was getting nervous about sharing a room with me and Richard. She arrived before us and went ahead and booked a room for herself so she would have somewhere to go in case things got heated up and she wanted privacy.

Well, it sort of backfired on her because she ended up with a HUGE room......With a large corner Jacuzzi and a living room area, kitchen area with sink, fridge and microwave etc. and the rest of us got these small tiny rooms! Hahaha....so- we knew right away....the party is going to happen in Marie's room!!

Deana and Albert arrived around noon, so the 5 of us headed out for lunch in the French Quarter. Pete joined us down there.....

Around 6, we headed back to the room to re-group.

Around 7:30, the party started coming together!! Dave and Tammy arrived around that time. We all gathered in Marie's big room and started eating some snacks and having drinks.

I had prepared a special play list for the party on my iPod and I had my "portable" Bose speaker which ROCKS!! Everyone was looking to me for direction on how this party was going to play out.

Around 8:00, I wrote the numbers 1 to 8 on tiny slips of paper and everyone picked one. We went in order starting with number 1. Each person got to ask anything of anyone, several people or everybody....anything they wanted to ask for. The only rule was that you can say "No" and if you do then the person asking the question has to keep asking until they get a yes.

Pretty soon, most of our clothes were off and people were starting to dance and make out with each other. Dave asked me for a lap dance....this is something I've never done, but I started and it was fun. So-everyone is watching us- so I whispered to him asking if he wanted me to pull his pants down and see if I could get him hard- he said- I'm already hard and he was. So we popped on a condom and my lap dance turned into....well- you get the idea.

That was about the time Marie and Pete went to Pete's room. Albert's turn came up and he said he wanted a "lap dance" too....hahaha....so I told him to sit next to Dave and I grabbed my KY, put one of my legs between one guy's leg and the other leg between the other guy's leg and put some KY in my hands and went to town with both of them at the same time!

It was Richard's turn and he was heading for Deana, so I said- new rule....from now on, everyone else just keeps doing what they are doing while the next person takes their turn. So Richard says "I say we all move to the bed".......so the 6 of us did that!! It was super awesome!!!

And 2 hours later, we filled up the jacuzzi, rinsed off and.....went out to hear some live music in New Orleans!!! OMG.....we were all grinning from ear to ear.

We didn't get in until 2:00AM and we were glad that we were all ready to go right to sleep!!

[idealist]

I had the pleasure of having a sexual encounter with two "swingers" (a male and a female) and at the end of the evening, we found ourselves making plans to spend a few days together- just the three of us- later in the year.

I’ve known Diane for about 18 years. We’ve been good friends. She has lived 5 hours away for the last 10 years, but we have stayed in touch and when she comes to town to visit family, we spend time together.

We met at church about 18 years ago. It was a Unity type church, so it was more open minded than a traditional conservative church. At the same time, we were both sexually conservative. Neither of us believed in casual sex and we had lots of boundaries about sex. Neither of us would have considered having sex with a guy right after meeting him.

Fast forward 16 years and Diane is complaining that she hasn’t been laid in over 2 years. About that time, I was experimenting with polyamory for the first time. I shared my thoughts and experiences with her. About a year later, when we could see that things were going good for me, I urged her to set up a profile on a swinger/poly dating site which she did. She jumped right in and now officially calls herself a swinger.

Since I’m bisexual and it’s been difficult for me to find a woman for myself, I’ve entertained the idea of what it would be like with Diane. She considers herself “straight” but dates couples and has had some good experiences with women, so she has expressed an openness in seeing what might happen if she and I would pursue something.

Well- we had the opportunity to have a FMF this weekend and OMG it was awesome! As I mentioned before, the three of us felt such an interest in one another that we are talking about developing more as a threesome!

For me, this is about transcending labels. Not as much avoiding labels, but not taking labels so seriously.


Sometimes, when polyamory people date and begin to have sexual relations with one another, it can resemble swinging. And sometimes when swingers find intimacy with one another, it can resemble polyamory. The lines aren’t as clear as people make them out to be. Polyamory people don’t want to be labeled as swingers because they want to be seen as focused on emotional intimacy and love- not just sex. Swingers want to have the sexual connection without the drama that love and NRE can bring, so they take the label of swinger as a protective measure which is supposed to keep them safe.

Well, guess what….a swinger label will not necessarily insure that a swinger will not fall in love and a poly label will not necessarily insure that a poly person will find more than a sexual connection.

So- I'm excited and we'll see where this goes!! Yeah!!

[idealist]

It's been a while since I've posted on my blog and I'm planning on getting back into it. I still enjoy reading everyone else's posts!!

So, my current configuration is that I still live alone and my primary male partner is Richard. He also lives alone and his 2nd home is 2 1/2 hours away- while his Primary home is in the town I live in. We've been together for about 10 years now- with a few one to two year separations within that period. His secondary partner (that he had been seeing for 2 years) has gotten into a mono relationship, so he isn't seeing her any more.

Interestingly enough- he recently re-connected with his first ex wife. They were only married for a few years and that was when they were really young. She lives in another state and they have stayed in touch all these years. A few weeks ago, he flew over there and spent a few days with her. She knows about me (we've talked on the phone) and about our lifestyle. They had a great time together and she had a bit of an emotional episode- minor- about a week later where she expressed some sadness about enjoying his company so much and now facing the long distance between them and the desire to have more of him.

Which wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that he is working full time and (still- it's been a year since he bought it) remodeling his second house while also maintaining his first house. Not to mention that he likes to spend time with me on weekends and we have a social life also. The fact that she is long distance makes it more difficult to fit her into the schedule.

The subject has been discussed a lot on this forum--- of time being one of the issues that comes into play when living a polyamorous lifestyle. With the presence of NRE and other exciting emotions, it can be a challenge to enjoy a new relationship, or the reviving of an old relationship while keeping it in perspective and allowing it to flourish with the amount of time there is for it.

I have a guy that I am really interested in, but our main obstacle is that his wife isn't really into me or Richard and she is not feeling super generous when it comes to sharing her husband with me. I'm being patient (it's been 3 years since we met) and he and I have only had one intimate evening together. She let him visit me at a Hotel in New Orleans with a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement-- so she doesn't know for sure what happened that night between us-- which is fine with me, but I wish she were more interested. The frustrating part is that I am very attracted to her also, but she is straight and doesn't seem to be interested in getting to know me at all.

I have rented a Condo on the Beach in Florida for the entire month of November and I have extended an invitation to them to visit me there. My goal is to get to know her better and I'm okay even if it is a vanilla weekend because I would like her to realize that I can be an interesting person and that I'm no threat to her. It wouldn't matter to me so much, but it seems to be important to him. They are pretty close-- they were childhood friends growing up and have been together all their lives. She has battled with (and overcome) cancer, and they were victims of Hurricane Katrina. So they've been through a lot together.

More later!.....

[idealist]

I have finally met the couple of my dreams! I will call them Carrie and Gary. It has been 2 ½ years since I set an intention and began to focus my attention on finding a couple.

Much is said in the polyamory community about the unicorn- that elusive bisexual single female wanting to be in a sexual relationship with a couple. That describes me and about 3 years ago I allowed myself to acknowledge my deep desire to meet a couple that I am mentally, emotionally and sexually compatible with.

That said- a true unicorn is sexually exclusive to that couple alone. I would not fit into that category. Now that I have discovered the world of non-monogamy, I can’t see myself going back to monogamy. Ethical non-monogamy is working very well for me at this stage in my life and I don’t see myself veering away from that.

My sincere desire for this ideal couple has been persistent and ever present. Not realizing it completely, I view every couple I meet through the lens of a Unicorn looking for her perfect couple and I have done so for many years now.

There are people on this site that just happened into a triad connection between a couple and a single female- they weren't looking for it. In fact, many people say- you will find it when you quit looking for it. And maybe that is partially true for me because I shifted my focus to finding couples that me and Richard are compatible with. And we have found 3 couples that we are mentally, emotionally, socially and sexually compatible with. We spend time with each of these couples and sometimes as a group. This was also one of my desires when I entered into a non--monogamous lifestyle- To create a social community of like minded individuals! We have plans in New Orleans for later in the month to attend an outdoor concert with all of our couple friends!

So, I guess my desire and determination combined with action steps (continuing to meet people and spend time with them) has finally paid off!!

Several weeks ago—while at the local lifestyle club, we ran into a couple we had met over two years ago when we first entered the lifestyle. Richard had no experience yet and I was still a bit unsure as to how I would react emotionally after being sexual with another couple or couples. This couple was experienced—they had been in the lifestyle for almost 10 years and they had been married for 35 years. Looking back, I’m pretty sure we were intimidated by them and we felt too inexperienced to pursue anything further with them- so we didn't.

Well, things have changed a lot in 2 ½ years! We have had lots of experience now and we feel very confident in the lifestyle.

Seeing them reminded me of how attractive they are to me. I found myself thinking “here is a couple that I could really enjoy”. She is friendly, talkative, sexy and confident. He is also confident and friendly- not as talkative, but not shy either- a perfect gentleman.

I couldn't remember everything we had talked about when we first met, so I asked her if she is bisexual. She said “yes” and the more we talked the more I remembered that she had expressed a desire to have a female partner- for herself mainly, but someone that could also enjoy her husband.

This is a woman who truly wants and desires female intimacy and companionship first- which is hard to find. Often women are motivated primarily by how this turns on the men in their lives. Granted—I am a voyeur and I love “performing” for others, but my desire for female intimacy is genuine and deep rooted. It seems that Carrie feels the same way!

More later…….

[idealist]

I met a guy and his wife almost three years ago. I'll call them Lee and Judy. Lee and I had an instant attraction. We danced and talked all evening. The chemistry was amazing!

We have stayed in touch and have done some things socially. Lee made it clear to Judy that he would like to have more of a connection with me including a sexual one and I also told my primary partner Richard that I would very much like to have an opportunity to spend more time with Lee.

Richard has been supportive, but Judy has been more hesitant. I have spent the time since we met making efforts to show Judy that I honor their 35 year marriage and that I am not a threat to their relationship.

This weekend, Lee and I spent an incredible night together for the first time with Judy's permission. I would like to send her a small thoughtful gift to represent my appreciation for her and to stand as a symbol to her that I will continue to honor what they have together.

After one of the most passionate and erotic nights of my life, my thoughts were on her today as I waited to hear from Lee that she is okay today. He assured me that "Judy seems very okay". I know things can come up later, so I will feel better if she still feels okay a week from now and even better if I can continue to see Lee occasionally with her blessings.

My question to you guys- what are some of the ideas you can come up with as a small gift to her- a simple small gift.

One thought I had was a small heart shaped crystal container with a top- the kind you can put earrings in etc. I have one at home and one at Richards house and I enjoy them.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[Anneintherain]

Since I am reading through the life blogs...your past words and future polite niceness would be enough, I would actually feel pretty uncomfortable if somebody gave me a physical gift after having sex with my husband for the first time. I don't mind if metamours give me gifts on holidays, birthdays (and I like giving gifts then too), but a "I just had sex with your partner and I think your partnership is super awesome, and you don't have to worry that I have ill intent" gift would probably make me feel really weird when I was feeling OK before then.

[Cleo]

I have to second Anneintherain here. I would feel very weird if one of my husbands girlfriends would give me a personal gift.
If gift-giving is important to you you might consider giving them something they can share, like a nice bottle of wine or some home made cookies or something. This I have experienced and enjoyed (and have done it myself for BF and his partner).

[Hannahfluke]

I agree with Cleo and AnneintheRain. It would make me feel uncomfortable every time I looked at it if someone gave me a "thanks for letting me shag your husband for the first time" gift. Not that I usually have issues with my husband being with other people, but just the connotation of that gift just would vibe wrong with me. My husband's girlfriend has gotten me peaches when she goes to the farmer's market in the summer because she knows that I love them. Something like that, that can be consumed and not be a constant reminder of the situation and the reason for the gift, would probably be the best if you feel compelled to give her something.

[idealist]

Thanks to all of you for your feedback. I’ve decided to do nothing right now. This is what I needed to hear and I knew I could find the answers I was seeking from wives who can relate!

Anneintherain - I understand that my true desire is simply that she is okay and if she is okay then there is really nothing I need to do. I’ve already done all of the work which has been keeping healthy boundaries and because of that it is best that I do nothing at this time!

Cleo- I really like your idea of something they can share. And I’m thinking that this gift would be given later….not now. Any other ideas of things they could share?? I would be mailing it to them.

Hannahfluke-Your point really hit home for me. Thanks. This is what I needed to hear. My boundaries are back in place!

[idealist]

I wanted to add that Lee thought sending Judy a gift was a good idea and he sent me their address (I've never been to their home) but I will share what you guys have said with him and go from there!