Forr those with children..

[Ilove2men]

Just curious about where you tell them you are going on a date or leaving over night. My boyfriend lives out of state so I'm gone from saturday morning before she wakes until mid day sunday. This happens once a month. I tell her I'm going to visit family, but the last time I said this she asked why her and daddy couldn't go. It doesn't sit well with me at all. I'm always honest with her about things she asks. I've never sugar coated anything. Just made sure it was age appropriate. We aren't out yet and she is only 5 and she's not at the "chosen family" stage with him yet. So I'm trying to figure out how to explain my absence that makes sense to her and sits well with me.

[Derbylicious]

Just tell your child that you're going to visit a friend and that daddy can't come because someone needs to be there for her in the morning.

[vandalin]

I agree with Derby. My daughter is only 3 but she definitely knows when I'm not home. When I'm going or staying out of town for a couple days I just say, "Momma has to help/go see some friends/a friend." This applies for when I was going to see Elric and for when I go to see other platonic friends. At 5 your daughter might ask "who" and then you can give a name and most likely they'll be happy with that, especially since they don't understand the complexities of relationships very well yet.

[redpepper]

My boy was about 5 when I met and started to date Mono. He had a hard time with me being out of the house at all and then for one night a week I was gone all night and then two.

I tried to think of it in terms of how parents deal with the fact that their work might mean they have to work nights. I had that in mind when I explained to him that I was going to have a sleep over with my friend and that I would be back at this time. He became comfortable over time that I was coming back and that I wasn't gone for good. I came back when I said I would.

When I was sure that Mono would be in our life for the long haul I told him that I was going to his house for a sleep over. Now he gets mad at me for having more sleep over nights than him (he is staying over at Mono's on Friday night). It took an adjustment as every change does, but then it becomes routine and kids do better with that. Change is good if it is brought in with consistency I think. At least as much as possible. The best thing I did was to make light of it and stick to what I said I would do.

I was also confident that my time is important too and that I had a right to my own time. Just because I take my own time does not mean I love him less or taking something away from him. This is a whole other topic though I think.

[Ilove2men]

I was also confident that my time is important too and that I had a right to my own time. Just because I take my own time does not mean I love him less or taking something away from him. This is a whole other topic though I think.


Actually, I think this very much coincides for me. I really do feel guilty for taking that one weekend a month. But I tell myself the same thing. That I do love her just as much and that it gives her and my fiance some much needed daddy daughter time. I know when I was a child my fondest memories were of just me and my dad going for a ride in his truck. I also think of the break she is getting from me. I'm the finicky anal one of the family and when its just daddy around she can really let her inner wild child out. (She's got him wrapped around her finger :p) But after it's all said and done I still have to remind myself of the positives so I don't get "Momma Guilt"

Anyways, yes the biggest issue is her asking the WHO question. She is my little detective and every question is followed by ten more. She makes me dizzy sometimes.

[LovingRadiance]

I don't have this issue as we all live together-BUT my method for dealing with that type of situation is just to tell the kid I'm having a grown ups only sleepover with a friend. I used to do that when my oldest was little.
She also had sleepovers and we would call them "kids only sleepovers".

[Lemondrop]

... But I tell myself the same thing. That I do love her just as much and that it gives her and my fiance some much needed daddy daughter time. ...

Why don't you just tell her that? "Mommy is taking some time for herself/to hang out with her friend X. You and Daddy are getting some time for the two of you to have fun! It's important for you and Daddy to get some time just for the two of you."

It really is important for Daddies to have time with their kids, too. Mommies can sometimes (and I'm not saying you do) push Daddies out without meaning to. Also, you're not ashamed of your relationship, so don't lie about it. That will give her the impression that you did something wrong when she's older and finds out that you're poly. Tell yourself to relax, you're not doing anything wrong, and that it's okay to tell her what is age-appropriate. And it is a wonderful thing to give any child the knowledge that it is OKAY to take time for yourself. I can't tell you how many people struggle with guilt over taking time for themselves--wouldn't it have been wonderful if our parents had taught us that it was okay so we didn't feel so guilty?

[lisbeth]

Just wanted to say this thread is interesting even to someone who doesn't have kids, thanks for a thought-provoking question! As sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with children when I'm trying to accommodate family or friends who don't share my values on love/sex/relationships. Sadly the "what do I tell him/her" game gets played more often than I'd like, but I guess some people are at different levels of understanding on certain topics, not only due to their age.

[Ruby]

We three simply tell our daughters (ages four and six) that one of us is going to see [the lover's name], and will be back tomorrow. When any of the two of us go out (or stay in) we just say that we are having some special time together. The kids understand "special time" because we have one-on-one time with each of them as well, to go to the zoo, or the game store, out to lunch, or some other kid-friendly activity.

When they get older, we will fill them in a bit more, but in my opinion it's just not necessary to hide anything, nor indulge in full disclosure. When they start asking questions about it, I expect we'll answer them truthfully, but discreetly. I was never all that interested in my own parents' sex life.