View Full Version : Multi-partner co-habitation
08-12-2011, 04:02 PM
I guess I just don't know what to do with "their" stress after they share it with me.
I a word...nothing. Let it go. It's their stress, and most people have enough of our own.
I find being about to unload on someone close to me is a catherdic way of releasing my own stress, but I don't expect them to hold onto it...just as I enjoy helping them unload their stress by venting to me. But I don't hold onto it either. I see it as acting as a conduit for it to pass from them through me...to the either or whereever, it doesn't matter. It's a way to act as a relief valve...not an overflow container...since containers eventually get full.
That's it...a listening ear, open mind, and a shoulder for crying, warm hug, a few words of encouragement, whatever they need. And their burden...let it go, and leave it in the wake.
08-12-2011, 04:21 PM
Thanks, II. I will work on that.
08-12-2011, 07:32 PM
TP- the great thing about poly is that you can promote them having deep friendships that they share themselves with. You are not and cannot be their everthing. I find it too much with two. Especially living together. The trick I find is not to fall into the monogamous paradigm with TWO people, but to promote shuffling off to share some of that. I figured that out after a while... I'm still working on that. Just as I need to find others to share with.
09-05-2011, 04:39 PM
One thing I'm finding a little difficult is that I am the primary source of comfort for Indigo and Mr. A.
I certainly wouldn't want either of them to not be able to talk to me. And yeah, they're big issues. I guess I just don't know what to do with "their" stress after they share it with me.
Writing it here has helped, but further suggestions would be appreciated.
Not trying to solve or argue. Not taking their stress on as something you have to absorb. I know what you mean, and I have found myself taking disruptions and feelings of overwhelmedness personally.
I have been asked to look at acute distress as sickness, and comfort as I would if the mental pain was physical, which it can be.
I used to bristle at the words, "Everything's going to be o.k.", because, I would argue, maybe it won't be o.k., can't be. As in the case of someone's health, someone's death.
These days I find myself more able to hear these words and take comfort in them, even say them, because while the past and present may not be changeable, and the future uncertain, the blessing of another person putting their arms around you and being your friend, letting you rant or cry or stare,-is so precious. It has the power to make some part of the stress manageable and calm the panic without having to have the whole solution worked out in order to be soothed to a place of perspective.
Hope I made some sense. Take care.
09-05-2011, 06:15 PM
That was lovely. Thank you. :)
09-05-2011, 06:36 PM
... the blessing of another person putting their arms around you and being your friend, letting you rant or cry or stare,-is so precious. It has the power to make some part of the stress manageable and calm the panic without having to have the whole solution worked out in order to be soothed to a place of perspective.
My dear Kevin partner almost always retreats when there is difficulty between us, which means few or no words and rarely any comforting touches (strokes, holding) when we're having a rough moment between us. He knows this drives me batty. But its an old habit of his. >sigh< So y'all pay attention, now. Some folks don't get what the need most when they need it most.
09-05-2011, 11:23 PM
Maybe below the cockles. Maybe in the sub cockle area... Maybe in the kidneys, maybe in the liver... Maybe EVEN in the colon... We don't know.
Sorry - had too... :P
I know I'm *months* late chiming in... but I had to give a virtual high-five to the Dennis Leary quote. I use "sub-cockle area" frequently in conversation and no one EVER gets it. :cool:
09-05-2011, 11:42 PM
Something I found online about multi-partner households:
CHALLENGES OF LIVING TOGETHER AS A POLY FAMILY
So why is this model so difficult to sustain? Ironically, the reasons most of these families disintegrate so quickly have nothing to do with polyamory. Instead, they fail because of the difficulties of living together: conflicts over housework, kids, money, space and privacy. Everyone must be able to reach agreement on all these questions:
• where to live;
• what house to buy or rent;
• whether to pool financial resources;
• how much money to spend and what expenditures are acceptable;
• how clean to keep the house and who will be responsible for which chores;
• what kind of food to buy and who will cook meals;
• how much privacy or personal time each partner will have;
• how much time will be spent as a family;
• whether to have children, how many children, how will they be cared for, and what styles of child-rearing are acceptable.
Excerpted from -
But we're in loooooooooove! All that other stuff isn't important and will sort itself out because we're in looooove and it's so perfect. We just need a great big huge bed so we can cluster- fuck every night and no one feels left out. Unless one of us isnt in the mood; we cant have sex unless it's all seven of us together at the same time. Also, it has to be a daisy-chain. Don't say anything that will ruin our fantasy of the perfect poly famblee or i'll get mad at you for judging us.
(this has been a public service announcement)
These two posts (one right after the other) made my laugh riotously!! I read River's post and was thinking, "But that sounds so complicated and... PLANNED." My naive idealist heart was rebelling in favor of spontaneity, simply being considerate of others and things just "clicking" into place. Then I read NK's response and was beyond amused at the extreme swing in my heart's direction!
I think "ideally" there is a happy medium we're all searching for. I'll tell you all something thing though, having spent nearly 3 months in a forced living situation with co-workers (at a remote construction camp) I am ultra-appreciative of living with my hubby & his GF. One of my "forced" room mates was so much the epitome of a rude, inconsiderate, filthy, disrespectful, crass, vulgar, indiscriminate, promiscuous, immature and disgusting individual that SHE was almost a living caricature. Nothing like stark contrast to make you appreciate what you DO have versus what you DON'T! I should thank her...
10-19-2011, 03:57 AM
Well it has been a fast and eventful year since I have moved in to RP's house. Surprisingly enough, there have been next to no issues related to co-habitation I am happy to say :) We seem to have come to a balance and understanding of what areas of household functioning we can share and each excel in.
RP's family has been extremely supportive and I believe are proud of her for building a loving environment for her son.
Recently I have been spending more time in PN's and her main living space due to a hot water tank flood that left my place without a kitchen or bathroom ( I live in the downstairs suite). This too has proven less stressful than I thought it would be and if anything has brought us closer together in many ways.
RP's son seems happier than ever and still finds it a novelty to come down stairs to hang out with me.
PN and I are two very different men but we also respect each other and enjoy hanging out for our own occasional night where we watch a movie and chat. We're as much family as many blood relatives I have.
All in all, we are all pretty happy, taking care of each other and becoming more of a family unit each day.
Who knows what is next for our happy little home!! :D
10-19-2011, 08:13 PM
If you work with what you always have you will get what you have always gotten!
Terrible grammar I know but hopefully it gets the point across. Sometimes in life you need to grab life by the horns and just go for it.
If you all think it feels right then go for it.
If it doesn't try a re think.
10-19-2011, 08:48 PM
PN and I are two very different menum, you aren't different in lots of ways. Singing together to me as loud as you can songs I can barely stand just to tease me being one. Appreciating food with a lot of vocalizations such as "MMMmmmm!" Being another... There are a lot of sutble ways you are the same that are around values and emotions. There are ways you are not. I love both and it all makes for a happy home.