View Full Version : Gay with Bi boyfriend, advice?
I'm a gay guy dating another guy, but he's bi. He has a fuck-buddy, who is also our roommate, and she does not currently work, though she is looking. The job market in Vegas is nearly impossible and she's young and inexperienced, so she's having a lot of trouble and that's very understandable, I don't have any problems with that. However, because she is unemployed, she is home all the time. My boyfriend and I both work evening shifts and our days off only overlap once a week, meaning we don't get a lot of time just to ourselves to begin with, but to add to it, we also often have visitors in our home, as we maintain an open door policy to our friends.
My problem is envy. My boyfriend has three days off throughout a normal week and only one of those is the same as mine, so on the other two he and our roommate are home alone. For them, this is normal. Routine. For me, being alone in my house with only my boyfriend is almost unheard-of. My boyfriend and I are trying to work through a lot of problems, and many of them have to do with me, specifically I have trouble expressing myself well outloud and it only gets worse when I'm emotional, so a lot of the effort being put into repairing our relationship has to come from me.
Since we're in a time like this, I don't get much attention sometimes. I don't know how to ask for time to be alone with my boyfriend without offending someone because for some reason I can't ever figure out how to say it or what to even say in the first place. Where is the line? How forceful am I allowed to be and how justified am I when I can't help but clench up inside when I see them flirting in front of me? How am I supposed to keep myself from resenting my roommate when she gets exactly all the things I want readily while I have to work my ass off for them? How am I supposed to keep myself from resenting my boyfriend? I'm afraid I'm tearing my relationship apart because I just don't know how to handle any of this at all!
tl;dr: gay guy has envy problems because his bisexual boyfriend has a live-in fuck-buddy I can't relate to
04-14-2012, 01:26 AM
It doesn't sound so much like envy as you want some attention. You just have to first tell your partner what you need. Then he has to agree or disagree. If he disagrees and won't give you what you need, you have to bounce. And you have to be ready for that. I'm sorry it's not easier.
04-14-2012, 01:53 AM
I feel (but, I`m a feely unicorn! :D) you`re entirely justified in asking for a couple things.
a) the PDA thing is sheer disrespect, and has got to stop if you`re uncomfortable with it;
b) you need both together time with your boyfriend, and me time within your own home. So, she`s gotta hustle. I`ve been unemployed before, and if I remember correctly, looking for a job is a full-time job in itself. I was hardly home...Other than that, she can take a hike to the internet cafe, while you guys have your cuddly or steamy time. It`s not rocket science;
c) Is she freeloading? Are her parents, or the government, or loans helping her pull her weight around the house or what? If not, then that would be a concern of mine as well, although more as a guy who`s got his name on the lease than a boyfriend.
If your boyfriend can`t understand these very reasonable concerns, then I`m afraid he`s taking you for granted and making a doormat out of you. Don`t let 'em! ;)
Good luck. :)
04-14-2012, 12:02 PM
I'm a gay guy dating another guy, but he's bi. He has a fuck-buddy
Would you be just as upset if he had a fuck-buddy of his own gender? If he weren't bi? Her being your unemployed roommate is more problematic than his bisexuality, I hope.
However, because she is unemployed, she is home all the time. My boyfriend and I both work evening shifts and our days off only overlap once a week, meaning we don't get a lot of time just to ourselves to begin with, but to add to it, we also often have visitors in our home, as we maintain an open door policy to our friends.
Was that your choice? His? His with her? Yours with him? You sound dissatisfied with it, and I personally would suspend that in favor of the home-time with Boyfriend that you crave. Yes, it's okay to kick everyone out of the house, including Roommate ("go have fun with our friends tonight, mmkay?") in order to have a date night.
Would showing him what you've written instead of saying it be any help? I often write first and speak later. Partly because sometimes my brain fumbles for words in any language--I speak three, and only have one in common with my metamour. Writing things down has helped me put distance between impulse and action, as well as given me room to organise my ideas.
I also don't see where you're totally the responsible party in this. Something prompted your jealousy. Yes, you have to speak up somehow, but both of you/all three of you need to look over your circumstances and find room for you.
Where is the line? How forceful am I allowed to be and how justified am I when I can't help but clench up inside when I see them flirting in front of me? How am I supposed to keep myself from resenting my roommate when she gets exactly all the things I want readily while I have to work my ass off for them? How am I supposed to keep myself from resenting my boyfriend? I'm afraid I'm tearing my relationship apart because I just don't know how to handle any of this at all!
The line is right where you are, sounds like. You're justified in trying to save your relationship from dwindling into nothing. I... have no idea how not to resent that roommate. I don't know how she got to be living with you in the first place. I don't know whether she was his fuck-buddy first or whether that just followed on. It's one thing to move a legit secondary or co-primary in while she's having a hard time, but if she seriously means nothing more to him than a willing hole, why does she get to live with you guys rent-free? Was she your friend too, at some point? (Not, um, in the same sense.)
Good luck. <3
04-14-2012, 01:41 PM
Yes you need to work on getting your feeling across. If you honestly feel you're not getting what's rightfully expected in a relationship then you need to communicate that...thoughtfully, and non-accusatory, of course.
Just because his girlfriend doesn't have a job doesn't mean she can't go out and get a hobby to do on the one day a week you and your bf both have off. Ask her to go to the library or movie theatre or something. (If you think she's freeloading off y'all maybe she could use that day to make it up to you by running errands.)
Secondly...what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he gets to be poly and have a second partner, there's no reason you can't have one too. In fact, it's extremely unfair and hypocritical that you couldn't. (Unless you just don't want one---but it should be YOUR choice.) And for that matter, she should get one too. (That would certainly get her out of the house more.) Just because your bf is bi doesn't make him the only one capable of having two partners! As a gay poly, trust me on that one. :cool:
Thirdly...more communication. Anytime you have three or more partners under a roof you need to make a mandatory roundtable once a week where everyone meets regularly (say, Tuesday night dinner or whatever) every week and thoughtfully, honestly, communicates openly their honest thoughts about how the situation is going. Emphasize the good as much as you do the bad. But whatever you do, make sure everyone gets equal time to discuss how they thing the arrangement is working. How can your bf do a better job making you happy if he doesn't know what you want or need? How can she know what she's doing right or wrong if you don't honestly open up about things? It's a crucial thing. If they are mature, they'll use this as something construction. And if anyone takes something personally as an attack, then they're probably not mature enough to handle this type of relationship. Polyamory is NOT for immature people---everyone has to be adults! Gay, straight or bi...male or female....if you sit down and honestly discuss your feelings, and if everyone really does love each other, then things should go better.
However...the flirting, and displays of affection between other partners is just something you get used to in a poly situation. You'll have to adjust to that one. But again...you should be getting your piece of the action too. She'll have no right to complain if you're making out with him in her presence, either.
04-14-2012, 02:44 PM
Two simple things, re-stating what others have said.
1) Ask that the open door policy be suspended once per week, when you guys have your night off together, and whether roomie can do you both a huge favor by splitting or st least keeping a very low profile during that time as well. It's just one night a week, it's NOT too much to ask.
2) Ask that they keep the PDA to a minimum around you, if possible. Just a simple request. Many people in your position would feel similarly, and that's why having multiple poly partners live together is so often a problem. Hopefully having more time with your bf will make it easier.
If you can't ask for these things out loud, write then down.