Poly? Coverup for Cheating?

[Messenger]

Hello Everyone,

I'm new to this whole topic, but before posting I did my due diligence to understand as much as possible before asking my questions.

My situation: I have a partner or FWB whom I see on a somewhat regular basis and who I am very honest with. We are both free to be with other people. I believe that trust and communication are key in ANY relationship. I am very open to poly relationships and didn't realize there was a name for how I have been feeling. Sure, I don't understand it all or how to deal with some of the issues that may spring up, but I am open to learning as much as possible.

I recently met a poly male (who introduced me to idea of poly) and had an immediate physical and sexual attraction to him. Definitely NRE, seriously, DAMN! Never felt anything like it. He did mention that he had a girlfriend, and that he wanted me to meet her. They do not live together. This was weeks ago and he still has not told her about me! We had been together 3-4 times until I realized he was not telling her and I have since backed off and told him to tell her the truth.

His reasoning for not telling her right away is confusing to me. He wants to wait until after their trip together. Apparently he thinks timing is wrong. However, in my eyes, this all seems wrong. I told my partner everything he wanted to know, discussed anything that bothered him and it made things WONDERFUL for our own relationship. He thought it was hot for me to be with another guy.

I cannot help but feel guilty for being with someone whose partner does not yet know about me and won't know for another few weeks (if I decide to even stick around that long, considering my "red flag" alert is going off now). How horrible for her to not know! Gah!

I also cannot help but feel like this man has decided to become poly in order to rationalize his behavior (which does seem to border on NRE addict and cheater, and not necessarily HONEST, COMMUNICATIVE, poly behavior). Is his partner really poly too? I've only heard his side. Is he not trusting that she can handle it? Is there ever any reason to keep things like this from your partner?

If I cannot trust him to tell her the truth, how can I trust him at all? This sucks when you are HIGHLY attracted to someone. He is intellectually stimulating as well as VERY sexually stimulating.

I feel like I have been honest to both parties (both men know about each other) but it is not fair that he has not been honest.

He says it will all work out for everyone, but I am just not sure. I've probably left out some stuff even though I have read through this a couple of times, so if you have any questions about something I was unclear about, please feel free to ask.

Any suggestions? Wisdom?

[lovefromgirl]

My gut says your gut is right: he's not poly. He's just cheating. And you can't trust him.

[NovemberRain]

Sounds like a cheater pretending to be poly to me.

[Alleycat]

I'll 3rd that.

Definetly a cheater in poly clothes.

[Anneintherain]

And maybe he's not a cheater, maybe they have more of a DADT situation or similar until something becomes serious. However, I'd sure as hell skip having sex with him again until I'd met/heard from his partner and made sure she was OK with it.

I do know my husband and I have VASTLY different ideas about when to inform each other about what, and that has caused a number of interesting and/or stressful conversations. Always a chance his partner just doesn't need to know until something is serious (maybe he goes through partners like kleenex during a cold and she gets tired hearing about a zillion kleenex, etc).

And, maybe he's a cheater.

[CielDuMatin]

Polyamory is quite often used an as excuse for cheating. The thing is, it's quite east to deflect that once you know a few methods.

First, for me, before anything sexual happens, I need to meet the other partners. If the other person needs to "go slow" for whatever reason, then I will go slow too - if this person is that good, then they are worth waiting for.

So, for example, in this case, once it was obvious that the sparks were there, if he was saying "it has to wait until after our trip", then my response would be, "ok, good, give me a call after your trip, once you have told her, so that we can do a quick face-to-face meeting with her."

I don't do DADT arrangements for the reason that it's far too easy to lie or misinterpret. I know far too many folks who have promised that their partner was perfectly ok with it only to find out later than the person had no clue.

From what you have written it sounds like you have a good, firm grasp on what you want and what you don't want. It should put you in a great position to negotiate the poly minefields that can be out there.

[kdt26417]

Re (from CielDuMatin, Post #6):
"First, for me, before anything sexual happens, I need to meet the other partners. If the other person needs to 'go slow' for whatever reason, then I will go slow too -- if this person is that good, then they are worth waiting for.
So, for example, in this case, once it was obvious that the sparks were there, if he was saying 'It has to wait until after our trip,' then my response would be, 'Okay, good, give me a call after your trip, once you have told her, so that we can do a quick face-to-face meeting with her.'"

I sooo agree with this. Sex is too big a can of worms to open without meeting face-to-face (I'd say even one-on-one just to be safe) with the other person's partner, and confirming that they're on board.

Unfortunately, NRE can cloud one's judgment about one's love interest. The guy described in the OP sounds suave, sexy, and suspicious. I guess there's no harm in saying, "We can continue our relationship as soon as I've met with your girlfriend." But I'd definitely say that (unless I were just gonna run for the hills).

Sux to be in that type of situation, Messenger. You are quite right to have misgivings about it (although I hope it all turns out to be okay).

[urmila]

polyamory is opennessand is opposite of cheating. He definitely doesnot give an impression of poly if he is having relationship with u without the knowledge of his girlfriend, and it is anybody's guess he might be having some more affairs going at the same time. my suggestion is kee off

[Windstar]

I was one dating a girl on the side of my primary relationship, and we never got to the place of having sex. It never got past my "feeling her out" phase. She talked all big and great about poly this and poly that. She had all the theory and concept down.

But, when it came down to it, she couldn't do the work. She couldn't actually tell her primary partner the reality of her feelings. She couldn't be honest with herself. She couldn't walk the talk, essentially.

Perhaps i could say that she was in a phase or layer of her poly process unfolding in her life. I think I was there once too, that's why I say it. Once when I was new to all these ideas, I espoused them vocally, but the reality of living the integrity and open heart raw and maybe dangerous communication required was still beyond my abilities at that point.

Is it so with this man in your life? Is he new to poly?

[nightrush]

Even benign new to poly, everyone defines it differently... however... from what i noticed from out local polly group most of them are the same way... they are always just looking for the next weekly fling....

I say this is just a coverup.... you can put perfume on a pig but its still a pig

[redpepper]

Any man that gives me a load of crap about "timing" or that he doesn't want to tell her yet is cheating I think. If he has a DADT then he would of told you by now. Even if he does I would still want to hear it from her. The thing with DADT's is that eventually the partner finds out. When is the time that they DO care about what goes on for their partner. Better to make them aware before sex and connection than after sex and connection in my opinion and experience.

Ya, fess up time I think. He could be really scared she will blow up at him, but that is for him to deal with and figure out if its worth staying in. If you are uncomfortable and he cares about you, then its time to say something.

[nycindie]

I recently met a poly male... He did mention that he had a girlfriend, and that he wanted me to meet her. They do not live together. This was weeks ago and he still has not told her about me! We had been together 3-4 times until I realized he was not telling her and I have since backed off and told him to tell her the truth.

His reasoning for not telling her right away is confusing to me. He wants to wait until after their trip together. Apparently he thinks timing is wrong.

If he is really poly, what does "timing" have to do with anything? :confused:

If they actually have a consensual poly arrangement and everything is out in the open, even if she didn't feel the need to meet his lovers right away, it would be very strange and highly suspect for him not to tell her he met/is chatting with/is fucking someone. He wouldn't have to strategize when to tell her if they are honest with each other! The only time I think this might be truthful would be if they had agreed to be poly and you were his first opportunity, or there was some other life event going on in their relationship, which might mean a lot of talking it over and negotiating boundaries before anything happens - but note I said BEFORE anything happens.

IF you two have been fucking and he still needs to time his confession, that sounds really bogus, and could very likely indicate that he is cheating. Even if she didn't want a face-to-face meeting, there should've been some contact between you and her before any fucking took place.

Something really stinks to high heaven here. I would DTMFA if I were you.

[Messenger]

Thank you so much everyone for your suggestions, support and feedback. To answer some questions posed, yes, this man is new to poly. He insists that everything will work out for everyone. I am "trusting" him to tell her the truth when he feels ready. Only time will tell how this works out? I am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. He realizes he has put me in a very strange position.

I cannot even deny that the NRE can be blinding. I find him simply irresistible. I'm going to start referring to him as "Boston Creme" LOL! Since both are so tempting and impossible to resist!

I have spend hours researching poly, reading posts and books on the topic. It has been fascinating to say the least. I look forward to learning so much more!

Even if it does not work out with Mr. Boston Creme, I feel confident that I have the ability to be honest with any partners I meet and that poly is a lifestyle I can definitely relate with. I really love the idea of loving many and being loved by many! What could be better?

[nycindie]

I am "trusting" him to tell her the truth when he feels ready... I cannot even deny that the NRE can be blinding.
And how will you know when he has?

You should tell him that you want confirmation directly from her.

AND -- and this is a biggie -- have you put a moratorium on sex until you get that confirmation?

I ask because you didn't respond about that point even though in your OP, you said you backed off. So, I'm really curious how you will handle that aspect. Also, it now sounds like you're trying to be upbeat and cheerful about it, so it makes me wonder if you're turning a blind eye to the red flags we've all pointed out.
I find him simply irresistible.

Who cares how much lust he brings out in you? Hot guys are a dime a dozen. It ain't worth compromising your integrity nor conspiring with him to hurt an unsuspecting woman, whom he supposedly loves.

[WhatHappened]

Only time will tell how this works out? I am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. He realizes he has put me in a very strange position.


Go do some reading on some infidelity forums. Read the thousands of posts by women who didn't know their boyfriend or husband was seeing someone else. You'll get a good idea how things work out and what the wives/girlfriends think of the women sleeping with their husbands/boyfriends.

[redpepper]

I cannot even deny that the NRE can be blinding. I find him simply irresistible. I'm going to start referring to him as "Boston Creme" LOL! Since both are so tempting and impossible to resist!

It seems NRE is blinding you also. This man is hurting someone dear to him. You haven't mentioned a DADT policy. Does he have one? Do you know anything about the situation with his wife?

Its great you are reading up, but what you have is not poly. Its cheating as far as I can see and that is directly opposite to poly. There is no integrity, no honest and open communication, no consideration for her feelings at all or for her being aware of what is going on. You are going to be in a shit storm. Really... I am flabergasted that you are more concerned about what name to give this guy on here than for her well being. It makes me question if you are able to be poly because you seem to be missing some major points.

Have a look at some of the threads tagged "cheating" and read stories from people who have been in his wife's position. Please, read. It might be what you need for a reality slap up side the face.

[CielDuMatin]

Look, I'm not going to defend the guy automatically, but for those who made blanket statements that "timing" must mean "cheating", I don't agree.

Even if I have a great poly relationship, if something dramatic has happened in my partner's life (death of a family member, lost job or whatever), that would be a horrible, selfish and irresponsible time to introduce the fact that you just met a potential person and that you want to explore a relationship with them.

But it really needs to be something concrete like that, and I wouldn't have any qualms about telling my potential about that. It would also mean, though, that the new relationship would be put on hold from developing any further as well. I don't get the sense that this is what is going on, here, though.

[nycindie]

Look, I'm not going to defend the guy automatically, but for those who made blanket statements that "timing" must mean "cheating", I don't agree.
I would like to point out that I said it is highly suspect but not that it MUST mean cheating. I said that it sounds like he's cheating IF they've already been fucking and he hasn't told her.

Even if I have a great poly relationship, if something dramatic has happened in my partner's life (death of a family member, lost job or whatever), that would be a horrible, selfish and irresponsible time to introduce the fact that you just met a potential person and that you want to explore a relationship with them.
I agree and stated something similar. However, it seems that the OP and this man have already gone beyond the point of considering exploring something. She says they have "been together 3-4 times" and that she cannot "help but feel guilty for being with someone whose partner does not yet know about me." I took "Been together" and "being with" him to mean that they have had sex. Maybe I'm wrong. Obviously, we don't have clear details.

[Messenger]

As I stated in my first post, I backed off because I AM concerned that he has not told her and how she will react/feel. Sure, I have an attraction for him, but I am by no means NOT concerned about her. This is why I posted to begin with, to learn more about the agreements, meetings and guidelines when dealing with these issues and because I was bothered by the guilt that I felt for being with him to begin with.

I was not aware of him being in a poly relationship with a girlfriend until after we had already been together. I assumed when he said, "you should meet X" that he was talking about a friend or FWB. I do not like the idea of him waiting to tell her, but as someone else stated, I am not fully aware of what is taking place yet in their lives (they do not live together) and for all we know, she could have just dealt with a death or some other traumatic experience.

He stated he would tell her after their trip and all I can do is hope he tells her the truth at that time (few weeks at most). What else can I do? If I hear from HER that everything is good, then great. Maybe all four of us can get together, who knows. If not, then I don't need to be with anyone that is dishonest and keeps things from a partner that will upset or hurt them.

I am a very compassionate person and it bothers me to death that she does not know. But I'm tearing my hair out about what "I" am supposed to do about it from here. I've backed off. All I can do is learn from whatever happens.

[Messenger]

Yes, by "been together" I do mean we have had sex. I usually don't EVER have sex with someone so soon after meeting, just to be clear. Like I said, the attraction was very high and nothing like anything I had previously experienced with anyone before. There are a lot of firsts in life I am finding out. I have also never had sex with anyone who was in a relationship until this experience. So I feel quite confused and trying to deal with it in the best way possible.

[CielDuMatin]

When the emotions and hormones are a-whirlin' then it can be very difficult to think straight and work out what you need to do.

Luckily we on this forum have the benefit of not being in love and lust with him and can take a step back and give you a range of perspectives for you to take on-board as you wish. I hope in some way it has helped you sort things out.

For what it's worth, it DOES sound like you are doing the right things to try to get things back on track and to find out if he really is as trustworthy as he says he is, and you are looking for ways to verify that. This will stand the best chance of saving folks pain and anguish.

[nycindie]

I was not aware of him being in a poly relationship with a girlfriend until after we had already been together. I assumed when he said, "you should meet X" that he was talking about a friend or FWB.

Okay, so - he started by deceiving you.

AND he is now possibly deceiving his girlfriend.

I wonder how many others he is seducing and waiting til after the fact before he lets you in on a very important detail.

I understand that your intentions were to be honest, but you are a tad too forgiving in this case. He wait until after fucking you before revealing that he has a girlfriend. And now he wants to wait til the time is right to tell her about you. That time might be a long way off. How much you want to bet that he comes up with an excuse when that day passes?

Yeah, like I said: DTMFA !

[PaperGrace]

I am a very compassionate person and it bothers me to death that she does not know. But I'm tearing my hair out about what "I" am supposed to do about it from here.

Messenger, I appreciate your honesty and willingness to address this situation head on. Based on what you have posted, what you should do is step all the way out of this relationship, and I don't mean "just be friends," I mean all the way out until 1 of 2 things happens. Either he confirms that he has broken up with his girlfriend or you hear from the girlfriend directly that she is okay with your and his relationship.

This situation is not okay and definately not fair to her, particularly if there is some emergency circumstance. She could be devastated by this and you do not want to be a willing participant in her pain or in the line of fire when that occurs. She would be right to include you in the blame if this continues. You don't want that. I doubt your boyfriend wants that although he's so hung up with NRE, it doesn't appear he is thinking clearly. You need to hear from her, or he needs to start over with everyone having full knowledge and consent.

And keep reading around here! It's great relationship advice, poly or not!

[kdt26417]

Re (from Messenger, Post #19):
"I was not aware of him being in a poly relationship with a girlfriend until after we had already been together. I assumed when he said, 'You should meet X,' that he was talking about a friend or FWB."

Yikes, he wasn't even being 100% upfront with you at first! (If he was, he would have said, "X is my girlfriend; I'm in a long-term relationship with her.") I mean, for him to wait on being 100% clear toward you until after he had been with you ... [skin crawling]

That said, it's good that you're aware of her (potential) feelings, and have backed off until he tells her. Definitely get personal confirmation from her if you can.

[Messenger]

Hello All :)

Yes, stepping completely away from the situation is exactly what I have done. I will not see or speak with him. Just carrying on with my life as I had before meeting him. I'm bummed out and feel it is such a shame for such a man to be deceptive. Such a damn shame.

I'm watching relationships around me crumble as I speak. Aunt was cheated on by her long term boyfriend (neither are poly), gay roommate breaking up with his man, friends breaking up. ALL due to lack of communication and trust. Such a shame. Imagine how many great lovers there would be if there was no deception!

I'm literally in tears today thinking of what a shame it is that people are deceptive and just cannot be honest.

[redpepper]

Sorry you are hurting :( Have faith, there are people that have relationships with no deception. Lots of 'em, right here. Now that you have a clean slate, maybe you can open up to finding someone that is willing to be as open and honest as you are? Keep at it. Its all out there for you. :)

[kdt26417]

What redpepper said; don't give up hope yet. :)

[PaperGrace]

Go you for making it happen. I hear you when you say it sucks.

Your brain was awash in all those love chemicals, it's a high, and you cut it off because you did what needed to be done. The rollercoaster ride came to a sudden stop. I'd be emotional and crying, too.

I hope you feel better in a week or so and take heart in being the good guy. Six months from, you'll look back in pride instead of regret. But that doesn't make it suck any less now.

[Messenger]

Awww :) Thank you guys so much! I feel a little better. I know I did the right thing. He was pretty persistent (texting) and wanting to see my again, but I held my ground. That was extremely difficult and my body told me I was insane, but my head knew better.

I appreciate you guys a lot now and have been spending a lot of time here, reading and learning. Can't wait to make some new friends!

I'll get to my profile one day and add some stuff, but I'm just too lazy right now :)

Huge hugs for all the support, advice, encouragement and love :)

[kdt26417]

Glad to be here with you. :D

[Messenger]

I think I am addicted to this site :) I feel very welcome and comfortable and even sent my first private message and added some detail to my profile tonight since I am relaxing for the evening. :)

Just wanted to thank everyone again for being here! Can't wait to chat with some of you!