True or False: Open relationship + happily married long-term = extremely rare.

[veryinterested]

I posted a question concerning open relationships at another forum and this was one of the answers I received. I'm curious to get alternate opinions. Thanks!

[drtalon]

You also have to consider the answer to

True or False: CLOSED relationship + happily married long-term = extremely rare.

I formed my relationship wants/needs in reaction largely to what I saw in the unhappy and broken marriages in my family and their friends.

Anyway, the plural of anecdote is not data. What is it you're really trying to find out?

[AnnabelMore]

I guess it depends on what you mean by extremely. It's not the norm, obviously. But there's no way to get real numbers, because people are so closeted.

Dan Savage suggests that successful open marriages are much more common than people think and filled a column with anecdotes to prove his point -- http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=11412386 -- and this great article from The Advocate expands on the topic with some very interesting research and more anecdotes -- http://www.advocate.com/Print_Issue/Features/Monogamish/

My gf and her husband have been together for 10+ years and married for, I think, 4, and they have one of the strongest marriages I've seen (now, wasn't always).

So, I'd say false, but again it depends on how you slice it.

[AnnabelMore]

anyway, the plural of anecdote is not data.

Awesome. :)

[KyleKat]

I've been with my wife for 5 years, closed marriage. She's been unhappy.

We opened our marriage earlier this year. She's finally talking to me and it feels like we are making progress in our marriage. She's still unhappy but it's all very new.

You decide.

Ironically I brought up polyamory originally. She was the one that suggested it again earlier this year.

[nycindie]

I posted a question concerning open relationships at another forum and this was one of the answers I received. I'm curious to get alternate opinions. Thanks!
How can we give opinions when we don't know what the question was? You only gave us one of the answers you got.

BTW, I think that, in general, blanket statements based on assumptions or limited observations suck.

[redpepper]

I think a lot of people get caught up in what "successful" means when they ask these kind of questions. If you mean happy as in long term, glued at the hip, closed in a triad or quad, all of which seems to be the "poly dream" for those starting out (at least in these here parts), then yes, extremely rare. Some people really feel successful and happy in solo poly relatuonships where they have loving and spritual connecting moments in one night stands or with their friends (where everything is consentual amongst many). Its all subjective and the vagueness is awesome I think. Love poly vagueness when it comes to success. Love that nothing is pinned down. "Happiness" is accomplished by individuals deciding to be so anyway in my opnion anyway.

[veryinterested]

To expand, my original question was whether it was possible to be with the same person sexually for a lifetime and not get bored. I also mentioned that I was interested in an open relationship, but my fiance was not. Here are some of the other replies I received:

"U R NOT ready for marriage -- U still have lust issues. An "open" marriage" is for immature people who are easily bored out of immaturity."

"open relationships are for people who are over-sexed (beyond the normal high sex drive of healthy people). Open relationship + happily married long-term = extremely rare."

"Entering a marriage thinking its gonna be boring & you should see other people means youre not ready to commit to your fiance"

"People have stayed in jobs their whole life despite the boredom. If you told your boss that you want an open work relationship how do you think he/she would take that?"

"Your fiance needs to get out of this relationship ASAP."

"Thinking that sex with the same person for the rest of your life is boring is immature."

"If you all think fcking other people is fine that's your choice, but its pretty sad that you think this is normal or acceptable"

"It is sad you are already interested in having an 'open sexual relationship' when you are not even married yet."

"If you are wanting an open relationship, and aren't even married yet, that means you aren't ready for marriage. Marriage is about monogamy."

[clairegoad]

To expand, my original question was whether it was possible to be with the same person sexually for a lifetime and not get bored. I also mentioned that I was interested in an open relationship, but my fiance was not. Here are some of the other replies I received:



Just curious... where did you post this?

Many of those answers sound like conservative opinions. I would have answered that way... about 20 years ago. ---Doesn't mean I was right then... doesn't mean I was wrong then... I was just different.

In 20 years... maybe those folk will change their opinions also.

[veryinterested]

Just curious... where did you post this?

Many of those answers sound like conservative opinions. I would have answered that way... about 20 years ago. ---Doesn't mean I was right then... doesn't mean I was wrong then... I was just different.

In 20 years... maybe those folk will change their opinions also.

Yahoo Answers. I've learned recently that 95% of the people on YA are conservative Christians.

EDIT: Then I found this place about 3 hours ago :-)

[dingedheart]

False

[Shannanigan]

It might be rare, but as some people mention, it will depend on your definition of "happily" married. Every relationship is different - I've found that I've had a much easier time enjoying my relationships for what they are in the moment as they develop rather than holding each person up to a marriageability measuring stick and deciding how/weather to proceed based on those results. My relationships are "happier" with this mindset, though I'm less worried about the "married" part.

[AnnabelMore]

"People have stayed in jobs their whole life despite the boredom. If you told your boss that you want an open work relationship how do you think he/she would take that?"

Um, that's called having multiple jobs. Lots and lots of people do that and their bosses are fine with it as long as it doesn't affect their work performance. This is by no means a perfect analogy, but if anything it speaks in favor of the possibility of having one main, primary relationship (full time job) and one or more casual flings or secondary relationships (consulting gigs or part-time weekend jobs). Geez, these people can't even insult a concept cogently.

[Icewraithonyx]

I would probably say it's not extremely rare but rare so True. But I think the same is true for any model of relationships. Relationships are hard. Long-term success at any thing hard is rather rare.

[redpepper]

In regard to the "open job" point that someone tried to make: we could call "cheating," "moonlighting." :D I guess in poly we could just call it "relationship moonlighting" actually as "moonlighting" doesn't necessarily imply deceit.

That list of quotes is painful. I find it pathetic and painfully sad. I feel bad for them actually; that they might propetuate hate that way and bully people into their kind of relationship style. How stifflingly their inner prisons are. Gah! I wish them luck, but seriously, I feel really sad for them.

[NovemberRain]

To expand, my original question was whether it was possible to be with the same person sexually for a lifetime and not get bored. I also mentioned that I was interested in an open relationship, but my fiance was not.

I believe it is possible to be with one person for a lifetime and not be bored. I don't, however, personally know anyone for whom that's true. I know a lot of folks.

The person you marry at 20, or even 30, will not be the person you find yourself married to at 70, or even, likely, 60 (even if they have the same name and weight as they did when you married them). People change. I find people endlessly fascinating. One or many, they all fascinate me.

I also noticed nobody said it depends on what you call 'long term.' [from the original post] If that means till you die, I dunno. I know there's a poly tangle on here in which the married couple has been together 14 years (although married slightly fewer years than that). I haven't had any relationships that long. ('cept parents, and that's not pertinent to this discussion)

I'm glad you found this place. Much better for answers to poly questions than yahoo. :D

[Phy]

Hm, I guess I know some of those 'life-long', happily and some decades together people. As some are still alive, the life-long may be in question but they are all 50 to 70+ and happily married to their first wife/husband. That's why I have had such a hard time coming to terms with my desires for a second man, while loving my husband. I was surrounded by all those picture perfect mono marriages. My grandparents were of the life-long kind, my grandmother died shortly after my grandfather because she was missing him so much. My neighbours (the oldest couple, age of my grandparents), whom we are all friends with, are inseparable and their daughter and her husband (a bit younger than my parents) reach 20-something this year in their marriage, my parents celebrated silver marriage last year and so on and so forth if you look around in my neighbourhood, relatives, friends – most are happily married. (Not this fassade like happy marriage, that I am sure of.)

That's why I found it so hard to not be the norm. When I realized that it didn't matter, that the love was still there for my husband, I felt kind of relieved. It was possible to be happy even though it wasn't fitting in the norm I was used to. From then onward, things got better for my emotional health. We opened the marriage, even though I have the feeling that we closed it again right away to a 'three-person-marriage' kind of, but we are happy.

I am with NovemberRain: People are endlessly fascinating. My husband isn't the man I married and isn't the boy I met when we were 17. We reach 12 years in September this year and there are many things that changed and that I came to love when I discovered them over time. (Some I don't like as well, but well, that's the nature of the game :rolleyes:). I always understood how lifelong attraction could be possible, but I guess it is some kind of a gamble. There is no guarantee that you will fall in love with the changed and new person your partner will become with time passing by, but there is the possibility that you will. It happened for us till now, I hope this will continue in the future as well.

And I think, it is kind of double fascinating to have the opportunity to experience this multiple times. I am still in the phase of learning about my new spouse. Things are fresh, but I experience with him, what I experience with Sward, but 100 times faster, as he has so many things I still need to discover and kind of 'rate' how much I like or dislike them. Sward and I know each other well, therefore new traits of our personality don't develop that fast for each other. But it is great to find new ones and expand the picture of the person you love a bit more and get the feeling to love him/her even more because of that. It makes me feel closer to him every time it happens.

So, to answer your question: It is possible, in the traditional way or the non-traditional poly one. At least from my point of view. As attraction (emotional, physical) comes by itself.

[nycindie]

Just curious... where did you post this?
Yahoo Answers. I've learned recently that 95% of the people on YA are conservative Christians.

Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Oh my. Hey, I'm on Yahoo Answers, too. It is NOT mostly conservative Christians, but it is a lot of teenagers and people from all over the world with very different cultures applying their viepoint. There are a few really good, serious topics there, but any of the stuff that gets posted in the relationship sections will get similar answers to what you got. That's where you go for answers on anything but relationships! Hahahaha, wow. Most people just answer to increase their points level - you can't take anything there seriously! Not a thing.

[feelyunicorn]

Even if the original equation were true, it might say more about marriage than about open relationships. I personally don`t see what's so hot about costumes, rings, and PDA in front of family members, but to each their own.

[OkNewbs]

Forgive me if this has been mentioned, but there is a natural ebb & flow to every kind of relationship. Some people don't have the stick-to-it-ness that is required for a long term relationship. Some people quit when it gets tough. Some people secretly "strategically cheat" during those ebbs. I know of some situations where the partner had no idea it ever happened & they stayed married & always thought the other was happy in it.

There are so many variables to consider that I'm not sure it's possibly to quantify an answer here.

The more important question, I think, is: Would it work for YOU?

[MeeraReed]

VeryInterested,

You should spend some time reading stuff on this forum...spend a few hours, days, whatever, reading through people's stories and questions, etc.

That should give you more of a perspective than you're getting from others.

Open marriages and other forms of non-monogamous relationships can be quite successful. Lots of people figure out a non-traditional relationship style that works for them.

But, I will also say that if you are interested in an open relationship and your fiance is not, then the two of you are not ready to marry each other.

[rpcrazy]

You would have to take: Total of poly relationships(P) and total # of Mono relationship (M).
Define long term as 10 year+ relationship, or whatever and extract.
LT/P : LT/M. Compare difference, question answered

[lili]

For what it's worth, my partner and my metamor have been together quite happily for almost 20 years.

[Lemondrop]

Look at me, coming in late.

I have been married to the same man for 22 years, since about six weeks after I turned 18. I've *never* been bored with him, not sexually, not personally. I've been angry, frustrated, disappointed, resentful, sad, happy, in love, proud, tolerant, amused...all the normal things for a normal relationship. I've known people who disapproved of our monogamous status, I've known people with an open marriage, I've known people who cheated and people who were polyamorous. I've done my share of judging other people's business, and being judged by others. **edited to add: We were monogamous for 18 years, and our reasons for becoming poly had nothing to do with boredom. In a twist, the person who criticized us most vocally for our monogamy ended his long-term open relationship at around 16 years and is now monogamously married to someone else. I think that just underlines my point about crafting each relationship to fit the people in it, and maybe adds that sometimes you change together and sometimes you change separately.

Relationships are relationships are relationships, and can NOT be defined by anyone but the people who are in them, or you're heading for disaster. You decide what is important to you, you communicate it to your partner(s), and they react according to what's important to them. You show respect for your partner(s) and their desires, and you hope that they will show respect for you and yours.

Open relationships work when the people involved communicate their needs clearly and work to make sure those needs are met.

Polyamorous relationships work when the people involved communicate their needs clearly and work to make sure those needs are met.

Monogamous relationships work when the people involved communicate their needs clearly and work to make sure those needs are met.

Need I go on?

Sometimes, a relationship ceases to meet the needs of everyone involved and must end. This is not a measure of the worth of the people who must end the relationship. It happens all through life. Sometimes people seek reassurance that a relationship will be "forever", but there is no true way to guarantee that, and you're denying yourself joy in the now by spending your time worrying about the future.

I think, in my humble opinion, that you should worry more about the fact that your desires--for an open relationship--and your fiance's desires--for a closed relationship--are not meshing. If the two of you can not agree, then the relationship will not be fulfilling. The two of you have to craft the relationship to fit you, not whoever answered you on Yahoo Answers.

Okay, rant over.