sex questions

[redpepper]

Is there differences between different types of sexual activity?

If there is, what are they and what types work better for you, what types do you avoid or not like?

What do different types of sex make you feel like?

What is the value of experiencing different types of sex or not?

How does one partner over several make a difference in answering these questions?

What is the purpose of experiencing sex in different ways, with one person or more than one?

[Ariakas]

For some clarity are you talking about the physical differences in sex, or the emotional or both?

[redpepper]

I guess I am looking for differences in the over all quality of it. Not things like 69 verses missionary. More emotional stuff, the nature of the experience, fluid bonded sex over sex with physical barriers. All of it, any of it. What does it all bring to the table and why is it so important?

[SchrodingersCat]

I definitely find a huge quality difference between sex with a loved one and from when I used to have sex with people I wasn't emotionally connected to. Part of that may just be natural growth, I was a different person then, but "making love" is a lot more fulfilling and pleasurable than "fucking."

Besides the physical expression of the love we share, it's also just better sex. When you're with someone who cares about you and loves you and cares about whether you're having fun, you're bound to have more fun than with someone with whom you're just masturbating on/into each other.

My husband is really into fisting and that's largely for the power exchange. He loves the "puppeteer" analogy. His emotions with that are vastly different than when we have sex. In fisting other people, he loves the ability to take them to an amazing place, give them an earth-shattering orgasm the likes of which they've never imagined, and leave them puddled in a heap. When we make love, it's much more emotional and considerate. We cuddle after, talk about our feelings (he doesn't really like to talk about his feelings, so that's something I really enjoy), and basically ride the oxytocin wave.

[geminigirl]

Sex for me is a language, and an energy, and each person I am sexual with has their own sexual "fingerprint". It is this unique expression that is meaningful for me, not any particular act or expression. The way one partner performs oral is vastly different in energy, intent and skill than another. The shape of someone's body (or their gender) lends expression to how they touch and move with a partner. A lover's age and experience level make them special at a particular place and time. Above all, sex is, for me, a way of exchanging love in a very pure form -- one that doesn't necessarily need a longterm commitment (though it does require trust) and one that should leave each person feeling nourished, cherished and full of joy.

VERY good question. :)

[GroundedSpirit]

Sex for me is a language, and an energy, and each person I am sexual with has their own sexual "fingerprint". It is this unique expression that is meaningful for me, not any particular act or expression. The way one partner performs oral is vastly different in energy, intent and skill than another. The shape of someone's body (or their gender) lends expression to how they touch and move with a partner. A lover's age and experience level make them special at a particular place and time. Above all, sex is, for me, a way of exchanging love in a very pure form -- one that doesn't necessarily need a longterm commitment (though it does require trust) and one that should leave each person feeling nourished, cherished and full of joy.


I think this quote sums up our opinions up about as well as could be done. Very nice GeminiGirl !

One thing I might add to this - although it still follows all of the same parameters as above regards multi-partner sex.
We found that there certain options that multiple people can bring that are just impossible with two and some of those are things we both enjoy. VERY much. (ok - let your imaginations wander).

And we've (figured out?) how this proceeds without falling short of that "love in a pure form" concept. Just more love in more forms.

For us - we feel 3 seems to be an optimal number. More seems to become either sensory (physical/emotional) overload or makes it hard to focus on a natural flow. But maybe we're just not skilled enough yet LOL.
Have had 4 work as well but requires VERY special and connected people. Not common.

GS

[geminigirl]

Nice! I agree that love can be pure when shared with more than one person at a time (that's why I'm poly, after all)! ;)

[booklady78]

Ohhh, I'm blushing furiously at the thought of answering some of these questions, but I also think I need to :P I'm very, very shy in general and can be very passive when it comes to sex. I think having 2 very different partners (hubby & bf) has gone a long way to bring me out of my shell though.
Sex with my husband has always been comfortable, loving, very satisfying. Perhaps not as 'adventurous' until recently as we've been talking alot more, communicating much better in general. There has been a bit of a shift in our sexual appetites as we verbalize our wants, needs, and desires more readily now. However we are both confident in knowing what the other likes and speaking honestly with each other, we enjoy our sex life.
Sex with my bf is more frequent and 'lustful', some of that may be NRE, he's also much more confident and experienced, teaching me alot about myself and what I like. We enjoy trying new things and we've been learning what the other likes, which can be very exciting.

Valentines weekend was quite 'exhausting' as I had a sultry, sexy, black and pink lingerie and garters for my husband and a more bold, tight, black & red corset and boots for my bf. And I was completely comfortable in them both. I have no desire for sex with one to be more like the other, I quite like the differences between them.

[MonoVCPHG]

I was talking to Redpepper about this thread earlier. She asked me if I was going to comment and, at first I said no as I felt I had spoken at great length about this on another thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=493

I will make another comment on this though, short and to the point. There have been three different types of sex in my life. One that involved wanting to experience new things but not necessarily new people. One that involved casual sex out of a desire to replace the function of my hand with the body parts of a woman. And one that became a form of communication with the person I love.

There is nothing sexually denied to me, so the first one is not an issue. The second one is not a part of my life; if I want to masturbate I'll use my hand, not the borrowed body parts of a human being. The third is where I find satisfaction and purpose to sex.

[redpepper]

Is there differences between different types of sexual activity?

If there is, what are they and what types work better for you, what types do you avoid or not like?

What do different types of sex make you feel like?

What is the value of experiencing different types of sex or not?

How does one partner over several make a difference in answering these questions?

What is the purpose of experiencing sex in different ways, with one person or more than one?

I guess I could answer my own questions... :)

I love what people have written so far... it's hard to talk about sex, but really important I think. Thanks for posting.

So, the differences to me seem to be that there are those that think sex with others is a way communicate and have fun. There is a level of excitement to it that comes from getting naked and seeing what their talents are and how they do things. It seems to me that it is playful, sexy and can be shared with everyone as a way to get to know each other and have a good time.

Another way is that it is immediately a soul connection that brings a person to another level of depth and commitment to them in the form of giving themselves entirely. This happens regardless of the situation and regardless of whether they want to or not... It is a spiritual bonding that is the biggest display of love and respect for another and their respect and love back.

Okay, can they merge together? yes I think so, and I think that some people can have different experiences with different people or at different times with the same person. I think that both can further their knowledge of a person and create more depth with them at the same time.

I don't think that the way a person conducts their sex life is so much an issue for me as how much they preach that their way is the better way and that anything else is bullshit. I really struggle with that. It's very assuming and disrespectful and doesn't allow for people to decide for themselves what is right for them...

I guess I asked this question because it seems to me that most people (I might be wrong in this) have no idea that anyone might have a different take on sex and therefore assume that whatever they do is going to be okay because they make the assumption that everyone thinks the same way.

I have noticed that sometimes people get together with people that don't have the same values and nature as they do sexually and struggle from day one with that. This is why I thought it might be a good discussion. Especially when one person is more of the deep, loving bonding type and their partner the weeee... lets fuck anyone type. It seems to me that the one with the emotional connection to sex suffers every time in this. Whereas the one who wants to play around with everyone somehow has to come out on top, because they are the ones that are suppose to be suffering more. Why is it that the one with the emotions around sex seems to have to suck it up and take it more often than not? Is it me, or does that seem to be the case?

There is only one couple I know of that I have recently met that are airing on the side of the emotionally connected one. He has decided that he will do everything possible to make sure his love is comfortable by NOT following through on his sex style and engaging a bunch of women he knows sexually. I am sure this is hard for him, but he sees it as worth it until she is comfortable enough for him to perhaps have, one more love. I always think it's best to go the way of the one struggling the most, so for this reason I am relieved to hear that this is their plan. I have no idea how this will work and wait patiently to see.

It seems that often times I have heard of people going out and sowing their wild oats only to realize that they would like to go home to their deeply connected loved ones after. This seems to be common in men and women my age. In their midlife crisis perhaps? What is that about I wonder?

Anyway, that is my thought at this time. I'm sure it will change and grow as I change and grow... that is how my life is. But for what it is worth, that is where I am at...

[GroundedSpirit]

I have noticed that sometimes people get together with people that don't have the same values and nature as they do sexually and struggle from day one with that. This is why I thought it might be a good discussion. Especially when one person is more of the deep, loving bonding type and their partner the weeee... lets fuck anyone type. It seems to me that the one with the emotional connection to sex suffers every time in this. Whereas the one who wants to play around with everyone somehow has to come out on top, because they are the ones that are suppose to be suffering more. Why is it that the one with the emotions around sex seems to have to suck it up and take it more often than not? Is it me, or does that seem to be the case?


Hi RP :)

It's a good observation.
But if you think about it, the same principle applies to any number of differences that can eventually surface between two (or more) people.

Where the subject is 'sex' we'll stay there. So this being the case it seems to lead to the question of why this becomes so much more of an 'issue' than any of the other myriad of (small?) differences that surface but get taken in stride.

What indeed is so 'special' about sex ?

Is it possible for some people that that is their only discovered means of making that 'deep connection' they desire in their life ?

And if that is the case, and as you allude to, 'they' are the ones who feel 'they' are always in the suffering end, what choices are there to alleviate that 'suffering'. And whose responsibility are those choices ?

More questions than answers..............

GS

[redpepper]

It's a good observation.
But if you think about it, the same principle applies to any number of differences that can eventually surface between two (or more) people.

Where the subject is 'sex' we'll stay there. So this being the case it seems to lead to the question of why this becomes so much more of an 'issue' than any of the other myriad of (small?) differences that surface but get taken in stride.

What indeed is so 'special' about sex ?

Is it possible for some people that that is their only discovered means of making that 'deep connection' they desire in their life ?

And if that is the case, and as you allude to, 'they' are the ones who feel 'they' are always in the suffering end, what choices are there to alleviate that 'suffering'. And whose responsibility are those choices ?

More questions than answers..............

GS

I agree, there are other issues for sure, sometimes bigger ones too.

Sex is very special to me. It is not a recreational pass time for me, it does not come as a given that I will dish out to anyone that I feel a connection with and I guard it closely now, whereas I never did before.

I have assumed, up until lately, that others feel the same way. I realize now that they don't and I am adjusting to that. A lot of people are able to dip their foot into different qualities of sex and different styles and be okay with that as it is a fun pass time for them. What's the big deal sort of thing. That is great for them, it really is, but it is not for me.

Is this the only way someone like me can reach a deep connection with someone? I can only speak for myself really, I have no idea what others that feel similarly to me feel. I am not sure at this point. I thought or hoped that it wasn't, as I had hoped I could be friends with all kinds of people (especially men) deeply and even physically closely without having sex with them. In the poly community I am wondering if that is possible. I have yet to experience closeness without it becoming a "are you available" situation.

I'm talking friends in the poly community here, not all my friends... I have close friends that I am not sexual with for sure. Those are the ones that accept me for who I am with and air of interest, rather than judgment or with assumptions. Actually, I think I get on better with the mono community right now than the poly one as I don't have to concern myself with them looking at me as a catch, or disappointment in my point of view about sex in my life. Sometimes those mono rules are very useful in feeling protected for me.

As to the "alleviating the suffering" questions :D (it sounds so friggin dramatic)... I think it is up to the person that feels like that mostly and unfortunately. Either they have to get over it and feel devastated that their partner is off fucking others or they move on to someone who is like them more.

For me, if my partners were to go off and do whatever because they have a different view than I do and see sex as not such a big deal, I would have to leave them or never have sex with them again I think. I would be forever changed and I think I would probably never get over that. Granted I don't know, because I am WAaaaay in this relationship structure more than I have ever been in any relationship in my life. I really don't want to challenge that at all, I just know that when my husband had sex with a woman that I had a hard time with and thought didn't treat him well, I still think about it and still find myself disconnecting regularly from him even though I gave him a green light about the whole thing. That was over a year ago now.

I know, I'm fucked.... :o

just so you know, I am not okay with my being like this at the moment. I struggle with it and am being completely honest because I want to get to the bottom of it. To a place where I feel like I can sit in the seat I am in and be okay.... I'm not okay right now. I'm off balance entirely. I'm disappointed in myself, frustrated and feel left out. My need to feel included is conflicting with my need to have boundaries around my sex life where my poly community is concerned.

I feel marginalized :D HA! (oh please don't argue that, I really don't have the strength and am trying to be light about all this.... :()

[GroundedSpirit]

I know, I'm fucked.... :o

Quite nicely as I understand :)


Is this the only way someone like me can reach a deep connection with someone? I can only speak for myself really, I have no idea what others that feel similarly to me feel. I am not sure at this point. I thought or hoped that it wasn't, ......

I often wonder if what many of us toss around pretty freely as this "connection" thing needs further understanding and definition.
It's quite apparent that most everyone has the capacity to "feel" it when it happens. And once you do it seems it's like an addiction. You just want more and more of it.

But what exactly is this ???

In Eastern thought (and medicine) there is extensive reference for example about chakras, meridians, energy paths and exchange etc.
There is much documented on the ways to open these energy channels for our own (and others) benefit. And these channels are not confined inside ourselves but extend beyond our physical body.

And one of the time honored ways of opening these channels is.......
surprise..........
SEX !

But it's far from the only way and it seems that the goal/desire is to gain some mastery of opening and closing those channels when appropriate.

Now if everyone were to have this understanding, I've felt that the whole approach to, and understanding of, sexuality would change dramatically.

If we felt a desire to "connect" to someone we might chose sexuality as one of the methods. It would depend on the person and what we both felt was the best (or easiest?) method at the moment. But as mastery improved, that sexuality would not be the only - or even necessarily preferred- method ! Each moment is unique and special. We develop the abilities that fit best in a particular moment.

So I often wonder.

Many people seem to discover this "tool" if you will (sexuality) for connection and energy exchange - often quite by accident -because it's a built in biological tool we were provided with.

It's always been thought of as a means of reproduction.
But some have another view entirely.

Interesting stuff............

GS

[MonoVCPHG]

Quite nicely as I understand :)





LMAO!!! HAHAHAHAHA! That is hilarious :)

[redpepper]

I agree GS, there is a spiritual connection. I feel it from a similar place quite often when I am being spiritual or having sex. Having a spiritual nature I think that I reach that place often in many ways.

We are going to a sexual ritual soon called "Aphrodite's Temple" that involves sex in a mosh up of experiencing spirituality. It will be interesting to see where that takes us.

Oh what a fascinating journey. Everyone's is different, yet sometimes the same. Sometimes things are more important to them than others... none of it is wrong or right, just maybe to that individual.

[GroundedSpirit]

I agree GS, there is a spiritual connection. I feel it from a similar place quite often when I am being spiritual or having sex. Having a spiritual nature I think that I reach that place often in many ways.


That Aphrodite's Temple sounds interesting. Please keep us posted !

But besides that, I understand your framework of "spiritual" although for myself I'm not sure it would be my (sole) description of the phenom. In some cases it's almost "scientific".

K for example is what is commonly called an "empath". For anyone not familiar, that is an ability (gift or burden ?) to pick up people's energy patterns intuitively. Hell, she can pick them up from across a parking lot !

But at least for me it's not confined to a spiritual etc experience as much as a different way of "seeing" the world and navigating in it. It gives you an option of reaching out and "connecting" with someone whenever you feel it's the right thing to do (for both). Sometimes it might be based on a perceived need, other times just a desire.

Have you maybe at some point in your life come across people that when in their presence, you come away with just a feeling of relief. Wholesomeness. Like some burden has been lifted. That's one manifestation of such things. People might just say "they make me laugh - or make me feel better". That kind of thing. They have classically alluded it to things like personality etc. But in reality - it's much more than that.

Anyway...........I'm rambling !

[River]

Questions surrounding birth control have generally not been an issue in my life because none of my boyfriends were at risk of getting pregnant.

Every time I've had sex with a woman -- which I can count on one hand (sigh) -- I wore a condom. I do not especially enjoy condoms. I imagine this is probably true for most guys. (I didn't have genital sex with the only full-on girlfriend I've had because I had not been tested for HIV. This was LONG ago, and I was scared to take the test... and she broke up with me before I tested. The only genital sex I've had with other women was experimental and "casual". *sigh*)

I may well be needing education about birth control options in the future. That is, I will be happy to get my education now, should there be future opportunity to utilize it.

I repeat. I do not much like condoms.

Are birth control pills problematic for many? Side effects and all?

What are the best available options.

I am disease free, STD free.

[AnnabelMore]

On condoms -- try the lambskin ones if you're just trying to prevent pregnancy and aren't worried about STD's. They are very thin and can feel a lot nicer! Also, try XL sized condoms. For guys who are bigger they fit better and don't "pinch", and for guys who are average or smaller, sometimes the extra material and the slidy-ness can feel good.

Darn, now I feel like I ought to comment on the original topic, since I'm posting here... hmmm...

Sex usually gets much better for me the more often I do it with a particular person and the closer we are. I'm sure that's pretty common. Sex with near-strangers feels like it should be exciting, but usually I end up feeling more nervous and conflicted than excited and don't enjoy it as much as I might.

Sweet, vanilla sex feels good in a pure, physical way and in a cuddly, close-to-my-partner way. Rough, D/s sex feels deeply engaging in a way that puts me more in touch with myself.

Sex with one other person feels intimate. Sex with two other people feels very very comfortable and almost comforting to me, like I'm surrounded by love and good feelings and energy. Sex with three other people feels like too many limbs.

[River]

On condoms -- try the lambskin ones if you're just trying to prevent pregnancy and aren't worried about STD's. They are very thin and can feel a lot nicer!

Maybe I will. (Heh, It's kinda fun to discuss my penis with women, lol.) :p Anyway, I'll be especially interested in what the guys have to say about condoms of various sorts.

[BrigidsDaughter]

I have noticed that my views/ attitudes towards sex have evolved over the years. As a young teen; sex was something that guys expected from me; something that made me feel guilty for participating in (I was a good little Christian girl whose best friend kept making her believe she was committing a horrible sin). My First rode his bike to my grandmother's, in a snow storm, expecting to get laid. We were 15 and I decided I wasn't ready, but let him guilt me into it. Not realizing that would be the pattern for the last year of our relationship. He would demand sex and either guilt me into it or physically threaten me until I acquiesced. After learning that guys expected sex, I was let down by my next serious boyfriend when I actually wanted sex and I was his first kiss. Ultimately, he broke up with me because he was afraid to give in and have sex with me (for a multitude of reasons). I thought there was something wrong with me, so I started dating guys with the intent of having sex with them. When friends introduced Runic Wolf and I in our late teens, I didn't want another boyfriend, I wanted a lover; and I got one. Neither of us were looking for a committment or even a deep friendships, but apparently love finds me when I least want it. I had a few female friends with whom I shared passionate makeouts, but it never went further than that and it was mostly for shock value (at least for them).

In my early 20's I was just accepting that I was bi-sexual; I was a newly wed, so sex outside our marriage was purely for recreation and exploration. I needed him there to push me (gently) past my comfort zone and into the arms of other women. In my mid 20's a good friend asked us to take care of his fiance while he was in Iraq; we all went out bar hopping, then came back and had a foursome. This happened a few more times after he came back and I had one other male friend who I occasionally slept with while drunk (a couple of St.Patrick's day's got out of hand). Sex with others was still casual, but I had grown to realize I wanted to at least be friends with the people in my bed.

When Wendigo approached me 2 years ago, I was 27, and one of the first things he said to me was that he found my sexual confidence alluring. Neither of us were looking for it to be anything more than friendship or even fully sexual (the original plan was oral only and he wanted to pleasure me). Ultimately, we had an amazing sexual and emotional connection and, at some point, it became love (though we have only said the words a handful of times). I still had a couple of FWB options, but phased most of them out. When Pretty Lady joined our quad in a sexual way, I still had one sexual female interest; but that too has faded over time.

Nine months ago was the last time I attempted a casual sexual experience. Pretty Lady and I offered to help a friend out who had always desired a 3 some, but wasn't all that interested in having another guy involved and his fiance wouldn't go for it at all. Ultimately the whole thing was a disaster, but I discovered that I no longer enjoy casual sex. Sex with my guys and our Pretty Lady is amazing, sex with our friend was disappointing and felt forced. In many ways, I had sex with him so that I could have sex with Pretty Lady again, since her availability is severely limited. For me casual sex is not enough anymore, but I would never presume to tell my lovers that they can't have casual sex if it something that is beneficial to them.

[rory]

Sex usually gets much better for me the more often I do it with a particular person and the closer we are.

Sweet, vanilla sex feels good in a pure, physical way and in a cuddly, close-to-my-partner way. Rough, D/s sex feels deeply engaging in a way that puts me more in touch with myself.

Wow, I had to quote this since it's pretty much excactly how I feel. Although rougher sex feels good in a physical way, too, but it's different pleasure.

I've been thinking a lot about "casual sex" lately, and wondering if I am able to have that. I have very limited experience, but thus far I've only really wanted to be with people I like, and connecting in a sexual way has always deepened my feelings. And I have a hard time separating friend-love from partner-love... I'm not really sure if there is a difference between the types of love. Obviously I have some friends I'm totally platonic with, and I love them just as much. But the ones I have some sexual feelings towards.. I don't think it's really safe for me to go there expecting anything casual. :rolleyes:

Then again, even though I can find a (near) stranger hot, in practice I haven't had a situation I would have actually wanted to have sex with them. I've experienced some major sexuality changes in recent years and nowadays I think the same goes generally for men: while I can find one hot I don't actually want to have sex with him. Alec is an exception to that "rule". I think that for me to really want to have sex with someone, I need to have a certain kind of connection with them. A connection which takes a while to form (so it doesn't exist with strangers) and one that I no longer make with men.

This would be my conclusion for now. Obviously, I'll have to re-evaluate if I ever meet a stranger/man I want to fuck. ;)

[Jade]

"Sex for me is a language, and an energy, and each person I am sexual with has their own sexual 'fingerprint.'" Well said, Geminigirl.

[SourGirl]

I guess I am in the 'Never say never' category.

For me currently, the beauty of sex, or relationships of any kind, is in the fact that we have the opportunity to constantly evolve, and revolve.

What I wanted 10 years ago, is not what I wanted 5 years ago.
What I wanted 5 years ago, is not what I wanted 1 year ago.
What I wanted 5 WEEKS AGO, is not where I am today.

The only absolute for me, is to keep my mind from being rigid. I may not want something in my life currently,( as sex is therapy ), and if it isn`t making me feel good, now is not the right time for it.

That doesn`t mean those things are bad, that I am superior for not wanting it, or that others are lesser for wanting things differently.

I use to say, I am not interested in casual sex at all, it bores me. For the most part, that is true. Now though, for different reasons. It would not bore me necessarily.
I could think of a few people I`d love to play flying-squirrel with. :p

However, for me, with my current responsibilities in life, they far out-weigh the benefits (or even risks associated) with a casual sex encounter. It is foolish to think though, it will always be this way. I would be limiting the potential on my life experiences then.

Also,..casual sex isn`t always a a quick time, with no end. I know people who married what was suppose to be their one-night-stands. I know many more who ended up in friendships.

I now have a really great friendship, with someone who was suppose to be a one-time thing, 12 years ago. One night ended up being 4 months,... then we parted ways.
I ended up being his 'whatever happened to her' girl. Back in touch again, We got each others back`s, and have a true friendship. Nothing 'more' will ever evolve.
We are now the friends we were probably always meant to be.
What did we learn from a supposed one-night stand ?

- According to him, he learned more from me, then any other woman, minus his wife. He changed how he handled relationships after me.
He treated the women in his life much better.

- I am learning, how I affected someone. Humbled by it, and realizing friendship can come from anywhere.

Life circles in strange ways. Sex can be 'sacred,' and offer wonderful emotional connections. Those connections can come in mysterious ways, and forms.

[Lucinda]

Different types of people have sex differently. My approach with each person is "How can we increase mutual pleasure within this pairing." The dynamic between any two people in any given situation is different.

When I identified as bisexual, having more than one sexual partner was important to me, because of my desire to experience sexuality accross genders. Right now, I just want to have fun with whoever shows up.

[MeeraReed]

I guess I am looking for differences in the over all quality of it. Not things like 69 verses missionary. ?

Oh darn! I was all set to discuss the merits and drawbacks of different positions. ;)

[MeeraReed]

I guess I could answer my own questions... :)

So, the differences to me seem to be that there are those that think sex with others is a way communicate and have fun. There is a level of excitement to it that comes from getting naked and seeing what their talents are and how they do things. It seems to me that it is playful, sexy and can be shared with everyone as a way to get to know each other and have a good time.

Another way is that it is immediately a soul connection that brings a person to another level of depth and commitment to them in the form of giving themselves entirely. This happens regardless of the situation and regardless of whether they want to or not... It is a spiritual bonding that is the biggest display of love and respect for another and their respect and love back.


RP, I don't want to pick on you while you are already (you say) feeling marginalized and struggling with issues related to this.

BUT the dichotomy (above) is completely wrong.

Yes, of course sex can either be playful and fun, or serious and emotionally deep. And it can be various things in between, or a combination.

Which you do admit, but here's where your assumptions are wrong:

I guess I could answer my own questions... :)

it is playful, sexy and can be shared with everyone

Especially when one person is more of the deep, loving bonding type and their partner the weeee... lets fuck anyone type.


So one type is emotionally deep...and the other type is "let's fuck anyone"??? One type is spiritual, and the other type can be shared with "everyone"??? One type is special, and the other type is just "playing around"?

No no no.

I am definitely a "whee...let's fuck" person. I am NOT a "whee...let's fuck anyone" person.

Why do people assume that if someone prefers the less-emotionally-deep kind of sex (the fun kind of sex, that is!), they must want to fuck anyone and everyone?

And isn't there also an implication that if they fuck anyone, they must not be a particularly caring or loving person?

For some reason, I don't particularly like sex for emotional bonding. I've spent years arriving at this conclusion. I'm still struggling to understand why exactly I feel this way. "Intimacy issues" is the obvious answer, but I don't think that's it.

I guess I feel that sex is false way of bonding. Good sex can make you feel like you have a deep emotional bond, when in fact you simply have good sex.

In my case, it happens that I have had a strong sexual connection with some partners, and a strong emotional connection with others, but never both at the same time. And while it would be NICE to have both at the same time, it also seems to me that it will be a very rare thing for me.

Sure, I've never had whatever profound/spiritual/bonding sex RP is talking about. But, frankly, I don't want to. It doesn't sound appealing at all. I would not be remotely comfortable with a partner who wanted that kind of thing.

I certainly feel that other aspects of my life include profound emotions, spirituality, and bonding with people I am close to.

But sex...darn it, I just like fucking! I like to fuck people I care about, respect, and regard as friends. Lovers, not necessarily loves.

However, I am VERY selective about choosing lovers. Partly because sexual attraction is pretty rare for me. Mostly because I don't want to hurt anyone or end up with someone whose views are totally different from mine.

This quote touched a bunch of nerves for me because of my own experiences:

I guess I could answer my own questions... :)

I have noticed that sometimes people get together with people that don't have the same values and nature as they do sexually and struggle from day one with that. This is why I thought it might be a good discussion. Especially when one person is more of the deep, loving bonding type and their partner the weeee... lets fuck anyone type. It seems to me that the one with the emotional connection to sex suffers every time in this. Whereas the one who wants to play around with everyone somehow has to come out on top, because they are the ones that are suppose to be suffering more. Why is it that the one with the emotions around sex seems to have to suck it up and take it more often than not? Is it me, or does that seem to be the case?
.

I guess the biggest problem I have with this statement is that people usually don't KNOW what their values and nature are, in regards to sex and relationships, until they have experienced a lot and experimented a bit. So people might end up with people who aren't suited to them, but only the course of the relationship will teach them that.

The other issue is that I have had completely different experiences from what you describe above. (My experiences have also been very limited, abnormal, and dysfunctional, though, so perhaps they are not helpful examples).

My first (and only) poly boyfriend (Techie--yes, him again!) insisted that he was deeply emotional about sex, and that sex was all about closeness and bonding. He insisted that he wanted to have a deep, profound connection to EVERYONE (including random girls on the bus, etc) because deep love was supposed to be shared with the world.

He was also (I realized later) very uncomfortable with sex (and probably traumatized by a dysfunctional childhood which he refused to discuss with me). He did not like looking at any part of my body except deeply into my eyes. He refused to try sexual positions that did not involve us staring into each other's eyes (and believe me, I felt like a pervert for longing to be fucked from behind!) He seemed to get sad and mopey after coming. He refused to go with me to some sort of therapist.

Obviously, that's not an example of someone who believes in ACTUAL deep emotional bonding through sex. But it HAS taught to be wary of people who espouse such beliefs.

When I was with someone who viewed sex as playful, fun, relaxing, and casual...I found fulfillment and liberation.

This playful-sex guy was WAY more promiscuous than me, but he was also kind, open-minded, confident, well-adjusted, honest, and happy. He helped me become in tune with my sexuality and to value myself more and to articulate my needs better. He taught me that sex could be dirty and delightful. He also had almost nothing in common with me aside from a sexual connection. Yet, he turned out to be a pretty good friend.

And finally--this is what really touched a nerve when I read your post, RP. With my most recent ex (Editor), I guess I was the one who wanted to play around, and he was the one who needed emotional bonding. I didn't know that about him, though, because he only told me LONG afterwards, when he was with someone else and wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

I don't think he actually knew that about himself when he was with me--after all, we had based our relationship on experimentation and dealing with his impotence. But he sure felt fine blaming his sexual problems on me being too uncaring and sex-driven.

I would have an easier time getting over that if his friends (formerly, my friends too) didn't share his opinion. (Not that they knew about his sexual problems, but they think I wasn't a very good girlfriend to him, and told me so.)

Anyway, I guess my relationship with Editor doesn't really count as the situation you describe--where one person wants to sleep around and the other wants more emotional sex. I really thought we both wanted to "date around" to learn more about ourselves (we were both very inexperienced and struggling to overcoming past negative experiences), and that we were going to stay best friends whether or not we decided to still date each other.

Well, never mind. Different story.

But my point is, negative assumptions about the person who wants to play around aren't helpful.

[redpepper]

First of all, this is an old thread... I don't necessarily think the same things now.
I guess I feel that sex is false way of bonding. Good sex can make you feel like you have a deep emotional bond, when in fact you simply have good sex.nope, not for me. This is your personal experience that you get to own it. Please realize that this is not the case for everyone and might be worth finding out about the next person you sleep with that is new to your bed. I have been very damaged over this assumption. Sex is bonding to me, end of story. Good sex or crappy sex, I see it no other way at this time. Perhaps that will change... I dunno. My sex life is assume as a result, so I doubt it will any time soon :D

Sure, I've never had whatever profound/spiritual/bonding sex RP is talking about. But, frankly, I don't want to. It doesn't sound appealing at all. I would not be remotely comfortable with a partner who wanted that kind of thing.Well then. We won't be getting it on any time soon then will we ;) :D

I certainly feel that other aspects of my life include profound emotions, spirituality, and bonding with people I am close to.Most definitely. I totally agree. I find the same things.

However, I am VERY selective about choosing lovers. Partly because sexual attraction is pretty rare for me. Mostly because I don't want to hurt anyone or end up with someone whose views are totally different from mine.I'm glad to hear this... If only more people would be as empathetic to those they fuck and find out what their connection is to sex and connection.

When I was with someone who viewed sex as playful, fun, relaxing, and casual...I found fulfillment and liberation.
But my point is, negative assumptions about the person who wants to play around aren't helpful.Absolutely not helpful, but sometimes negativity is the scum on the top of a larger pot of boiling fluid.... it needs skimming off and throwing out and I have done that I think...I am fulfilled and liberated as a result of knowing that I don't have to give to others who like to have sex as play only. I personally know myself better having discussed at length on this forum about the naive assumption I had that everyone was like me. I realize that I am not like everyone, and that is just dandy.... :) takes all kinds to make a world.


@MeeraReed- Thanks for sharing your story and your differences. I'm sorry if what I said offended you in some way. The fact is that we are just different and that is that. I hope you work out some of the stuff you feel you need to. Its a tough road to discovery, but worth it... at least I have found. I am the closest I've been to having a perfect sex life having figured myself and others out.... I hope you get their too and enjoy whatever that brings :)

[AutumnalTone]

Actually, I think I get on better with the mono community right now than the poly one as I don't have to concern myself with them looking at me as a catch, or disappointment in my point of view about sex in my life.

I'm scratching my head over this. Um...wtf? Disappointment in your pov about sex in your life? Why would anybody be disappointed with that, poly or mono? I've not encountered any of that sort of thing among the polyfolk I know here, so I wonder what it is that has you fretting about that where you are.

Is it common among the polyfolk in your area to expect some specific approach to sex? That strikes me as odd.

[redpepper]

I'm scratching my head over this. Um...wtf? Disappointment in your pov about sex in your life? Why would anybody be disappointed with that, poly or mono? I've not encountered any of that sort of thing among the polyfolk I know here, so I wonder what it is that has you fretting about that where you are.

Is it common among the polyfolk in your area to expect some specific approach to sex? That strikes me as odd.again, old thread.

Problem solved though because I don't hang out with people who have sex with people they are friends with who brag about it. The bragging part was what I struggled with. I used to get a stunned look of WTF from people who were likely not understanding me, wondering why I wasn't willing to partcipate, who told me details that made me feel ill and were probably wondering why I was having a identity crisis.

Its working for me now. New friends, new identity and I feel comfortable enough to talk about it all without imploding in my head ;) :D

[Derbylicious]

Not all sex has to be deeply emotional all the time. Sometimes it is and sometimes it's just fun (even with the same person(s)). I enjoy both types. Sometimes I want that real sense on connection and other times I just like to be silly (and I'm sure anyone who knows me at all isn't surprised about that).

I find that I have a need to trust and feel a connection with someone before being sexual with them. It's something I don't enter into lightly. It feels threatening to me when someone who I don't trust is looking at me (or makes comments to me) in a sexual manner. It's probably something I could work through but why? I'm ok with being the way I am. :D

[lemniscate]

assumption. Sex is bonding to me, end of story. Good sex or crappy sex, I see it no other way at this time. Perhaps that will change... I dunno. My sex life is assume as a result, so I doubt it will any time soon :D:)

I am the same way. I see sex as bonding me to the person I'm making love with, it's part of why I'm so discerning. I only have sex with people I want to make that bond or connection with. I can't believe someone would deny that this happens with people! Of course it happens. We're definitely all different, but there are those of us out there who bond with others through sex.

For me, sex is totally ecstatic, especially when I'm in love with that person. I have nothing against those who are more casual and just have sex for fun, that's totally fine, but it's not for me. I don't do that anymore. I did have a point in my life where I did, but I decided I wanted something different.

Of course, I'm only having sex with three people currently, and I suspect it's going to stay those three people for a very long time; and I'm truly enjoying becoming closer to them in all kinds of ways including by having amazing sex with them.

Nice to know another kindred spirit.

[NeonKaos]

I can't believe someone would deny that this happens with people! Of course it happens. We're definitely all different, but there are those of us out there who bond with others through sex.



What do you mean "deny"? Why would anyone deny that some people bond with others through sex? Please show me where, if any, on this forum someone has said that. Just because some of us like sex that DOESN'T NECESSARILY INVOLVE EMOTIONAL BONDING, doesn't mean we're all "No one should ever bond through sex".

Please explain what you mean because I think you're way off base saying that people have "denied" that some folks bond through sex. That just sounds absurd. You must have meant it differently. If you did mean it at face value, please provide evidence to back up your words.

[lemniscate]

What do you mean "deny"? Why would anyone deny that some people bond with others through sex? Please show me where, if any, on this forum someone has said that. Just because some of us like sex that DOESN'T NECESSARILY INVOLVE EMOTIONAL BONDING, doesn't mean we're all "No one should ever bond through sex".

Please explain what you mean because I think you're way off base saying that people have "denied" that some folks bond through sex. That just sounds absurd. You must have meant it differently. If you did mean it at face value, please provide evidence to back up your words.

I apologize, I should have been more complete in my answer. The concept had been denied to me in my personal life before by past lovers. I realize now that adding that detail would have made more sense. My apologies; it was not directed at anyone on the board. I have no problem with anything anyone has said here.