View Full Version : Adrift's Challenge to Herself
03-13-2012, 06:25 PM
A bit of background:
Poly is a struggle for me. By habit, I'm a jealous and insecure creature with a lot of pessimistic tendencies. Trying to be positive and compersionate about my triad almost feels as painful as pulling teeth. And I feel like I shouldn't have to be. When I'm upset or afraid or jealous, I do the exact opposite of what is good and healthy for me; I withdraw into myself, avoid communicating with my partners and get lost in dark, horrid fantasies where I realize all along that my partners don't care for me, don't love me, or don't care/want me as much as they do each other. It makes me feel crazy, like I can't trust my own mind. These dark fantasies become so real in my mind that I question what the hell I'm doing in a relationship that doesn't provide for me.
So I decided I needed to do something to change this. I love both of my partners very deeply and I've never felt this way about anyone else previously. I want this relationship to work. I decided that I need to start being proactive instead of reactive whenever jealousy rears its ugly head.
So this blog is about doing that. It's about confront what makes me feel afraid one step at a time (however big or small) and doing something about it. So my challenge to myself is to take at least one moment every day and do the exact opposite of what my fear is telling me to do. It may be as simple as instead of wondering why my girlfriend isn't as affectionate with me as with my boyfriend, get past that little voice that says "It's because she doesn't love you," and reach out to her first. Show her that I love her and desire her and hope that she shows me the same in return.
I plan on coming here and to my personal journal everyday to document it. This is how I plan to keep myself accountable. I want to do this for 30 days and then evaluate how I feel afterward. If I still feel like my relationship is disconnected or ill fitting, then I realize maybe I need to reconsider if it's right for me. But if I notice a change in those 30 days, then I'll (hopefully) be able to see where my actions have caused a disconnected and keep working toward fixing it.
Truth be told, this challenge scares me and I don't really know why. I suppose that fear is like a caged and tormented animal that is afraid of it's potential freedom. Wish me luck!
03-13-2012, 10:17 PM
Welcome! This challenge seems like a great idea and I wish you the best of luck.
When it comes to noticing the differences in your two relationships, don't forget that *every* relationship is different. It's ok if they develop at different times, in different ways, and at different rates... in fact that's the only way it could possibly work, because just as no two people are the same, no connection between two people could ever be exactly the same as another. But that's the beautiful thing -- because no two relationships are the same, no relationship can ever really replace another, each person you love is irreplaceable and if they truly love you then you are irreplaceable to them too. Ok, I've gone on enough. :)
03-13-2012, 10:29 PM
I suggest you read up on triads.... From what I've read equal doesn't exist, sort of the dream that everyone wants to shoot for. So your thoughts and feeling could be completely valid.
03-14-2012, 03:12 AM
That sounds like an awesome challenge! I kind of learned this by example. Current bf has almost always been nothing but sweet to me. I can see from his parents where he learned this. My heart just swells when he goes the extra inch for me. I think one of the reasons we were able to live together longer than I had previously lived with anyone (apart the parents) is that we both reached out and touched when a tiny part inside really wanted to reach out and smash.
I know that I always felt better when I was cranky or unloving and I took direct, loving action.
I'm so looking forward to cheering you on!
03-15-2012, 03:18 AM
Thanks for the feedback everyone! I know I'm going to need all the support I can get when I feel really down on myself!
I figure I ought to warn everyone who reads this now that much of what will be posted here will be heavily emotionally charged and not really fair. But it's just my perspective and my venting place. I want a safe way to vent all the bad things I'm thinking without placing the burden of it on my partners. This does not mean I'm not communicating but I feel that taking the time to work out my emotions first before explaining them usually helps me deal with the crazy.
As far as equality goes...this is such a touchy issue I feel when it comes to poly. When I say equal, I don't mean keeping count of every action or non action that happens. But I do mean in feeling like my partner values me just the same as they value their other partners. And right now...things have been hard and I haven't always felt that way. And I'm doing this challenge to see if I can change that and to see if I'm making the situation worse by my internal dialogue.
Thanks again for stopping by!
03-15-2012, 03:33 AM
So day 1 did not start this challenge off in the best way. Nancy was completely stressed out about money and our household finances which left her stressed, anxious and in a bad mood. She pulled out of it for the most part until bed time where she had a bit of a freak out.
So her general mood made the atmosphere feel uncomfortable for a while and generally when that happens is I avoid touching her becuase I'm never sure if it'll make her snap at me, (she can be testy during her stressful moments but aren't we all!). So the brave thing I did was ask for alone time with her wherre we watched our favorite tv show. I tried to intitate cuddling or show her affection by hugs and kisses but she was generally unresponsive. I tried my hardest not to let this make me upset, especially when I saw her being very loving with our boyfriend.
What was helpful:
I moved outside of my comfort zone and acted instead of waiting. I proved to myself that I can move beyond what worries me.
Unfortunately, her reaction didn't make me feel any less like she was disinterested me. But she did reveal that part of her weird behavior toward me was a really bad dream she had about me that made her uncomfortable. So at least I understood why she was weird that night. But it didn't make me feel better in the sense that it was one explanation for tonight and not for previous interactions.
But I'm sticking to my plan!
03-15-2012, 03:45 AM
Today was school day for me and those days I don't see Nancy too much. I was lucky to have time with Hardy since I didn't have to work. It was so wonderful to spend time with him and just hanging out until my class. I was still weird from last nights events. Nancy's freakout kept us both up late as I was trying to help her relax and calm down. But she was still weird because of the dream she had where she got violent with me.
So the brave thing I did tonight: I sat on the couch with Nancy and spent time with her before bedtime. God, that sounds weird doesn't it? That something that simple can be a brave thing for me. But I guess when my natural tendency is to go, "Well, you aren't showing me affection so I'm not going to show you any!" changing that to, "You've been standoffish lately but I love you and I love us so I'm not going to run away." feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. There's just a part of me that screams, "You're being so effing stupid! You're being used!"
So when I worked myself on my drive home thinking that she doesn't care and that's why x,y, and z happens, I was prepared to be somewhat ignored by her. That's kind of fucked up isn't it?
But I sat on the couch with her, just us because Hardy was on the phone with his mother and we just talked. We talked, we bitched, we giggle but more importantly we shared. God, I felt like that hadn't happened in so long! She sat close, she touched me and showed her interest.
I'm sorry to say that emotionally I wasn't as receptive as I would have liked to be. I was so ready to be upset, to be hurt, and emotionally numbed myself to deal with it that I wasn't totally present in the moment.
But tonight showed me something. It showed me that it doesn't have to be bad all the time and that my girlfriend actually does care about me to some extent.
There's still a long way to go for me. I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish in terms of my jealousy and my perception of my triad. But for now, I'm focusing on celebrating the little steps.
Here's looking to tomorrow's bravery!
03-19-2012, 08:45 PM
Today was frustrating for me and did not start off well. Last night Nancy told me she wanted to wake up early in the morning to have alone time with Hardy before she left for work. I was hit hard with jealous and negative emotions when she'd said that. Though to be fair, I was already in a bad place all day about the state of her and mine relationship that I was grumpy and exhausted by the time I got home tonight. I felt extra bad because she was trying to show interest in having a conversation with me but I was so deep in my negative space that I was barely present in the moment.
In general, I don't like watching them or hearing them have sex. Luckily for me, if I'm downstairs with the tv I don't have to see or hear anything I don't want to while they are up in our bedroom. So when she said she wanted alone time in the morning, not only did I feel like she was taking something away from me (Hardy and I actually had the day together and under normal circumstances we would have been intimate in the morning just after she left for work) but I felt inconvenience. Because I don't want to hear anything, I wouldn't be able to stay in the bedroom while they went to the other bedroom to have sex. And being a slight sleeper, I would have woken up when her alarm went off then been unable to go back to sleep because I'd be too concerned with making sure I didn't hear anything and having general anxiety. So I chose to sleep on the couch. Nancy and Hardy weren't very happy about it but understood that it was the best choice for me at the moment.
Unfortunately, being downstairs means anything they wake up to go to the bathroom I wake up with the pipes carrying water away. So I didn't sleep well, and I ended up awake around the time they would have been having sex anyway so I just stayed awake. I regret to say, I did not act bravely this morning. I let my jealousy keep me from being truly in the moment with my alone time with Hardy and affectionate with Nancy as she left for work.
I carried this anxiety with me all day and then something strange happened. I'm in the middle of my night class and all of the sudden, something inside of me goes, "You know, it's really not a big deal if they have sex." And just like that, like a switch flipped, my perception changed. I don't know what happened but I'm so happy it did! I hate feeling so ugly inside about the people I love.
When I came home, I was just happy to see my partners and my girlfriend seemed so happy to see me. I felt like the affection and interest I'd been missing from her was finally visible and tangible like I'd been dying for it to be. And I felt so stupid for being so moody. I still felt a little anxious at the thought of them having sex but not nearly as bad as I had this morning.
03-19-2012, 08:50 PM
I had a good day today, I'm happy to report! I visited with two friends of mine, a married couple that my partners like to joke about as "my other triad." I usually shake my head at this because who the hell would have time or energy for that? If that's you, more power to you because I damn sure don't have the energy for it.
Hardy was working today so that meant Nancy and I had the house to ourselves until the morning. I was a little sad that I had to work right before she got home from her job but Nancy called me after she got out just to talk to me for a bit. And it lit me upside just to hear her voice and hear her say how much she wished I was at home. Not only that, but to have her recognize that Hardy being off from work for a week was wonderful for our relationships with him but that she and I needed our time together. It's amazing how little things like that can change everything.
My brave thing today? Allow myself to just be happy. I didn't talk myself down from that little victory I felt I'd had. I didn't convince myself that she didn't mean it or that she really wished she was home alone with Hardy instead. I let myself feel happy that she wanted me and missed me too.
03-19-2012, 08:53 PM
I had a wonderful night with Nancy despite the both of us being exhausted last night. It was just nice to cuddle with her, talk and eat grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. I hated getting up in the morning and going to work. But I did get to talk to Hardy before I clocked in. And the wonderful man that he is, he brought me breakfast so I got to see him briefly too. :) I love them both so much.
Today my brave thing was not getting jealous with hints or comments made about them having sex. I managed to laugh and joke with them and generally feel connected to both my partners when I got home. Nancy and I both felt icky so we mostly cuddled until we managed to drag ourselves up to make dinner. And we made an awesome dinner together then sat around watching one of our favorite tv shows with Hardy. It was a quiet night but a happy one.
03-19-2012, 09:37 PM
I decided that I need to start being proactive instead of reactive whenever jealousy rears its ugly head.
So this blog is about doing that. It's about confront what makes me feel afraid one step at a time (however big or small) and doing something about it. So my challenge to myself is to take at least one moment every day and do the exact opposite of what my fear is telling me to do.
Been reading your thread so far and realized I'd wanted to comment on your first post but never did.
So, just wanted to say that your challenge to yourself is exactly the stuff that enlightenment is made of. Changing your perspective is transformative, and not just to you. When we look inside and take steps to transform ourselves, we in turn transform our environments and everyone around us. There will be moments that are magical because you are not trying to fix anyone or change other people to suit yourself. And you're not sitting around making wish lists and doing nothing. You are actively shifting your reality. Congratulations, enlightened human!
03-19-2012, 09:50 PM
Thank you for your comment! That's so wonderful to hear! Seeing messages like this help me to keep going through with my plan rather than letting it fall tithe wayside.
03-19-2012, 11:31 PM
Thank you for doing this! I struggle with these things everyday myself and it's awesome to hear of somebody getting through it and learning. You are awesome!
03-20-2012, 12:43 AM
Wow! Thanks! I've spent so much time and mental energy on being jealous that something had to give. If I keep up with he bad habits I'm going to lose the one thing I really want. Poly is hard for some of us but I have to believe it can be done because if how I love my partners and my own well being. I deserve to be happy too and so do you!
03-20-2012, 05:26 AM
I deserve to be happy too and so do you!
Today, I told my chiro (who is also my friend) about my recent road trip with First bf. I was telling him how wonderful it was blahdyblah,
and he said, 'that so nice,
You deserve it.'
And for some reason it really struck me. It just smacked me in the face and stuck there.
Nice to hear this echo. THANK YOU!
03-26-2012, 08:50 PM
(I really need to be better about posting what happens at the end of each day instead of trying to remember after the fact. But with school, work, two partners, homework, sleep, trying to have a social life too...where does the time go?)
Today was blissfully work free! And I got to spend time with Harvey but the poor boy was so exhausted from work that it was only for a few hours before he passed out for majority of the day. But it was quality time together, not just time together if that makes sense. And I also had some me time which is becoming a precious commodity these days. I just sat in my pajamas, watching reruns on tv until the evening. I had dinner with a friend that I hadn't seen in forever which was awesome! And it gave Hardy and Nancy some alone time as well. It was so nice to get out and do something for myself, drink and laugh with a friend without feeling that gnawing feeling in my gut of jealousy at the time Hardy and Nancy are having without me.
I think the bravest thing I did today was just allow myself to be happy and smile. I didn't feel guilty for leaving them alone and I didn't allow my jealousy to keep me from having a good time with my friend. And most importantly, when I came out and they were still out, I didn't get grumpy! Yay! I love not being grumpy!
03-26-2012, 08:55 PM
First week down and sadly, day 7 was NOT a good day for me. I was exhausted all day from work being unnecessarily stressful, lack of quality sleep, and knowing I wouldn't be seeing either of my partners until it was their bedtime. I hate spending so much time away that by the time I get home, I barely see them and barely have time for myself before I have to go to sleep.
And I get weird if I stay up later than they do. I'm always afraid that by the time I decide to go to bed that I'll walk in on them having sex. It's one of the biggest hurtles I have currently, worrying that I'll walk in on them. I have bad memories from the first time we started a poly relationship, Harvey an I, and walking on him with our then girlfriend when he agreed not to initiate anything sexual when I wasn't around. That ugly feeling has stuck with me and every time I walk in on him with another person, I feel like I'm walking in him cheating on me even though since that point, I haven't placed any restrictions on his sexuality with others. But I hate that it makes me feel so uncomfortable.
I know that if things get better on my end and Nancy and I build up our relationship and our bond that it won't bother me as much. I'm not so optimistic that it'll go away completely, the jealousy, but I've had moments where it's much more manageable and it's when my needs are met.
I'm sorry so say, I wasn't very brave today. I let my bad thoughts get the better of me and I let my stress ruin my day.
03-26-2012, 08:59 PM
Today was another long day, work first, then a meeting for a group assignment at school after. Luckily for me, it meant getting home early to spend some quality time with Nancy. Both of us were destroyed from the days events. And the night before Nancy and Hardy had some drama which left everyone in the house feeling uncomfortable and on edge. There were a few tears but Nancy and Hardy seemed to work it out. I really don't know what happened but I hate when they have drama. It's dealing with all of the negative emotions in the air and none of the feeling of relief when there's a resolution because it doesn't involve me.
But Nancy and I had a good time, being silly on the internet. It was a quiet evening and a relaxing one.
The brave thing I did today was allow myself to relax and not immediately get worried when she seemed off or not inclined to cuddle. I think it helped the night from becoming awkward.
03-26-2012, 09:20 PM
Today was another one of those long work days that sort of destroy me but I'm happy to say my day started amazing with some alone time with my lady. Thank god! I felt like it had been forever! (And to be fair, two days feels like forever with my libido). I had also asked for alone time with my boyfriend before I went to work today because he and Nancy were going away for the weekend and I knew it would be awhile before we'd have any alone time. But when there was time to have it, he invited Nancy to hang out with us and I felt it would be rude to go "No, it's our time to be alone," especially if he explicitlly invites her to hang out. I guess I felt like I would react badly in that situation if that's what happened so I didn't say anything.
It made me really sad and cue all the bad thoughts coming in, "He doesn't want to be alone with me. He doesn't care. He'd rather spend time with Nancy than be alone with me. I'm not as important." Blah blah blah. And currently, I'm not comfortable with group sex for a variety of reasons but mainly, I get jealous when I see them together, especiallly when I feel like my sex life with each of them isn't quite meeting my needs at the moment. I'm not haing nearly as much sexual contact as I want and need but I'm hoping to improve this. We left him alone to nap and I was feeling pretty low since it felt like he didn't care about me. So I went upstairs briefly to give him a kiss and talk to him about it, my brave thing for the day. Turns out Hardy forgot about us planning alone time. He asked me why I didn't ask for alone time when there was time for it and I kindly reminded him that I had asked for it the previous day. He appologized and felt upset. I hated to upset him but I felt good for not walking away from the situation carrying those upset feelings. And to know that I wasn't crazy for being sad and to hear from his lips that he does want alone time with me.
I just don't know why if he wants it too, he won't ask for it. I think he gets so stressed dealing with two women that he worries about upseting the balance so he won't. And he knows, I'm less tempermental than our girlfriend who has had times of extreme moodiness. But it frustrates me that it feels like he chooses her needs over mine because I'm less likely to cause a fuss. But deep down, I don't believe that's what is going on.
And despite not having the time with him that I needed, I got more time with Nancy and it made me happy to just sit on the couch with her, talk, cuddle, and watch stupid youtube videos. So in the end, it worked out because any quality time with Nancy is good at this point. It helped me to feel even stronger about our growing bond and me feeling like there is a place for me in this relationship. So many times, I see them together and think, "What am I doing here? Do I even belong here? They're so happy with each other, they're never this happy with me!"
Despite some badness, the night ended well. The three of us saw a late night movie and went to bed entirely too late. But it was nice to have time with them before they go out of town for a few days.
03-26-2012, 09:25 PM
I didn't see much of Nancy or Hardy today. I made plans to go to a drinking event with my friends, thinking they were going to be leaving yesterday instead of today. But I had breakfast with my dad and then decided to go meet my friends early rather than go home and go back out. Because we all had so litle sleep they were dead to the world when I left.
I such a great time with my friends and I forgot how awesome it can be to have the house all to myself! The bed was all mine! Oh it was so nice to sprawl out and not worry about kicking anyone!
The brave thing I did today: After the festival, I felt like crap so I went home. I have a meeting in the morning so I needed to go to bed early anyway. But I was feeling a lilttle down that my partners were go on their romantic getaway and feeling very much that they wanted to get away from me. It's something I struggled with on and off as I was home alone, nursing a prehangover. So I decided to push it out of my mind and relax. I took pleasure in doing things I wanted to do rather than worry about what they were doing or how much crazy sex they were having.
I didn't call them. I figure that it's their time alone and I shouldn't disturb it and if they want to talk to me they will.
03-26-2012, 09:31 PM
Today was sluggish. I went to work for a few hours then back to bed lol and slept for a while. But I had a good day lounging on the couch, mostly recovering from yesterday. I had some ugly thoughts on annd off throughout the day about Nancy and Hardy, wondering what they were doing, not thinking about how my libido was screaming at me and feeling unwanted. I struggled a lot with not liking being left home alone. I kept thinking how much I wanted what they were having and how it sucked that they were working on their bond and I'm left in the dust. Blah blah feeding my insecurities blah.
There was a few times I glared at my phone, like that would do me any good.
But the night ended well for me. I went out later with some friends, drank and had a great time laughing and spending time with them. It reminded me of why I needed this time too. I needed to have my time without worrying about who I was leaving behind at home. I forgot how much I did need that. So the brave thing I did, which happened late in the day, was stop indulging my bad fantasies of how they like to hurt me. (I must sound like a crazy person.) Turns out while I was drinking and laughing, I missed a call from my partners. It was nice to know they were thinking of me and wanted to talk to me, even though by the time I got it, it was too late. But it still made me feel wanted and I heard their voices on voicemail so that was something. At least I will see them tomorrow.
03-26-2012, 09:40 PM
I didn't call them. I figure that it's their time alone and I shouldn't disturb it and if they want to talk to me they will.
So send them a quick text "Miss you! Hope your having a good time." They can respond if they want or not. You reached out and it may just make them feel good. It's so easy to get into the self deprecating cycle, they may be thinking the same thing you are and then no one talks to anyone.
My husband is one to automatically invite certain people to "go with us" unless I specifically tell him, it's just "us" time. When I finally realized that we wouldn't get any alone time unless I spelled it out for each specific event I did have to remind him, write it on the calendar ("just us"), say do NOT invited anyone else, etc more than once and in more than one way. Don't give up.
Turns out while I was drinking and laughing, I missed a call from my partners. It was nice to know they were thinking of me and wanted to talk to me, even though by the time I got it, it was too late. But it still made me feel wanted and I heard their voices on voicemail so that was something. At least I will see them tomorrow.
I love it when that happens. It means you were really spending time being in the moment, with yourself, instead of obsessing about the what-ifs and the dark scenarios. And sometimes its too hard doing that all by yourself, and friends and company can be a big help.
04-04-2012, 08:43 PM
I haven't been keeping up with my postings because things effectively blew up in my household and the fallout carried on for 4 days? Hell, I'm still feeling it.
I went from feeling happy and hopeful about my relationship with Nancy and about our triad to feeling completely hopeless. Right now, in this moment I feel like this relationship isn't going to ever be right for me. I keep asking myself, "What the fuck are you thinking??"
When my partners came home from their trip they were both excited and happy to see me. Part of me was surprised because it had only been 3 days but their excitement over me made me feel good (even if I was a little awkward with so much attention). Nancy kept saying how much she really wanted to hang out with me and have sex with me that I thought, "Ok! This is what I've been looking for! Awesome!"
WARNING: VENTING AHEAD
Then drama. This after already having a stressful work/school week and not being able to have alone time with either of my partners until the weekend. One thing I've continued to struggle with since this triad is how my alone with both of them (especially Hardy) has been darastically reduced. If I'm lucky, I may get one night a week with both of them, otherwise I see them for a grand total of 30 minutes before they go to bed during the week. I feel neglected most of the time but I try to keep my head up about it because the other option is to scream and fight.
Did I mention I'm starting to reach the end of my rope about this? No, ok, I'll get to that.
Lately it seems like when there is a problem, it isn't mine in the sense that it's my conflict, but even when it doesn't involve me I still get the fallout. I get Nancy being passive aggressive to Hardy and I see Hardy withdrawing and there's me with anxiety and general unhappiness.
The problem is, whenever there is drama between Nancy and Hardy, the fallout ALWAYS affects my alone time with Hardy. Nancy and Hardy fight? There goes both nights I was supposed to have alone with Hardy because I stay up one night trying to comfort my crying girlfriend and am exhausted the next day where all Hardy wants to do is sleep or find some form of escape. This also means trying to be a sympathetic shoulder to Nancy while she's unhappy and angry and there goes that time with her too. But it's ok, this is hard on them, I can handle my needs going on the backburner for now. Oh, Nancy can't sleep because of her anxiety and insomnia? Oh that's ok, Hardy will stay up with her until 4 am trying to help her sleep. It just means that the next day where he and I are supposed to spend the day together, I'll be lucky if I have a few hours. But that's ok, because she's going through a rough time. Oh, I ask to sleep in the middle of the bed because I miss sleeping next to Hardy and cue another restless night for Nancy because I've "upset her routine?" That's ok if none of us get any sleep or if it puts everyone in the bad mood for the night. What's that? Nancy and Hardy had drama that didn't really get resolved so while things are uncomfortable for everyone in the house because of hurt feelings, I get to sit up with Nancy as she drinks and rants and raves about the problem all night long when you've been up ass early in the morning? That's ok, you're just trying to be a supportive girlfriend. It's ok if during this conversation what you say backfires and causes a fight between the two of you that while it gets solved quickly, you still have all these ugly feelings you don't know how to deal with about your girlfriend, the woman you wanted to spend your life with.
All this on top of the fact that our schedules rarely sync up and I'm barely home as it is so alone time is incredibly prescious to me.
Can anyone see how I'm not handling things so well right now? I've spent months and months trying to keep my head above the water, not let the bad thoughts get the better of me and try to be happy with "Baby, I know you're not getting your needs met right now because of circumstances out of control and your work/school schedule. But it's going to be ok because we'll have time, we have the rest of our lives together!"
Well, I shouldn't have to wait for tomorrow to come. Not when I've been doing this months. Not when I've put so much effort into doing the right thing and feeling like it only half works half the time.
/vent (exhale, try to breathe)
I have to feel like things don't have to be this hard. Is this what it means to love someone? Swinging back and forth between feeling love and misery? It's so frustrating that because of the way Nancy is and because of the way things are, I have to fight that feeling that goes "I wish it was just me and Hardy. I miss him so much. I hate having to share him when I'm getting the raw end of this deal." Because, if I have these feelings and they never really go away, am I making a mistake? But I don't want to leave because while I love them both, Hardy makes me happy (when we actually get time together.) I love him so deeply and completely that I hate to throw away my relationship with him because I don't know if I can be in a relationship with her. Or if because I want a poly relationship anymore?
I know this is all broken and confusing but I just had to get this out. I've been feeling worn out and crazy because there has been literally 4 days of fallout. When I was sharing the detailed experience with a friend of mine her response to whenever I said "Oh wait, there's more." was "There's MORE? oh dear god."
I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired of playing nice and saying it's ok. I'm tired of feeling like Hardy choses Nancy over me and caters to her needs more than mine. I hate how many times he's told me one thing but then done another. If I'm so important and he loves me so much then why the fuck can't he keep his word? He tells me we'll hang out, we'll do this and we'll do that. Then it becomes "This week has been too hard on me." "I'm too exhausted from the problems with Nancy." "I just need some 'me' time today." And believe me when I say I want him to have his "me" time. I just want him to respect the plans he makes me too.
I keep letting him get away with it because I know how stressed he his and how unhappy all this crap makes him. I keept letting it happen because I love him so much that I just want him to be happy. But I can't keep allowing anyone to put me on the backburner anymore (myself most of all.) I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to be considered. I deserve my time with my partners. I deserve to have a relationship that fulfils me. And this one isn't doing that right now.
I want to believe that things can get better but I only half heartedly want that. Because right now, I don't have the energy. More and more leaving looks better and better. No feeling neglected, no jealousy, no pain, no feeling unimportant or second best.
Now I feel less like an overblown balloon ready to explode. But something still has to give.
04-04-2012, 08:44 PM
I think it's safe to say, bravey went out the window with those last few days I wrote about. So now I have to figure out the best way to get it back. And do it.
04-05-2012, 12:30 AM
"I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired of playing nice and saying it's ok. I'm tired of feeling like Hardy choses Nancy over me and caters to her needs more than mine. I hate how many times he's told me one thing but then done another. If I'm so important and he loves me so much then why the fuck can't he keep his word? He tells me we'll hang out, we'll do this and we'll do that. Then it becomes "This week has been too hard on me." "I'm too exhausted from the problems with Nancy." "I just need some 'me' time today." And believe me when I say I want him to have his "me" time. I just want him to respect the plans he makes me too."
You know, this sounds to me like you really need to claim your power. You are totally right with what you say above. We all train everyone around us in how to treat us with our every action. That is to say, if you are always nice and accepting, you are training your loved ones that they can walk all over you. It's okay to have boundaries and needs. It's even better than ok to voice them and let the "chips fall where they may." You can tell them about these trends that you recognize and tell them that these trends offend you and are not okay. you can take a stand. You also can do it non-confrontationally and even nicely if you get your energy right first.
The point is not to vomit on them. The point is not to make them feel bad or to insult them to make you feel better. The point is to get back on the same page, get your needs recognized (if not met) and come to a new place of understanding together.
I wish you luck and a calm heart. Let truth guide you...only truth.
I am with Windstar on this one. I don't think that Hardy choose Nancy over you. It's just that the signals reaching him are always "I am not Ok. Help!" from Nancy, while you try your best to signal him "I am OK. Just go and settle things with her." What would you do in this case? You need to change communication here. He can't possibly read your mind and see "Oh, she is doing her best to keep up with this." So tell him and tell her that this is everything, but not OK long time to keep this up. You need to claim your rights in this relationship(s) as soon as possible. Good luck.
04-05-2012, 06:00 AM
I thought I would share some of this article with you, which I just found today:
"How do we establish healthy personal boundaries?
Know that you have a right to personal boundaries. You not only have the right, but you must take responsibility for how you allow others to treat you. Your boundaries act as filters permitting what is acceptable in your life and what is not. If you don't have boundaries that protect and define you, as in a strong sense of identity, you tend to derive your sense of worth from others. To avoid this situation, set clear and decisive limits so that others will respect them, then be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. Interestingly, it's been shown that those who have weak boundaries themselves tend to violate the boundaries of others.
Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own. Many women have traditionally thought that the needs of their husbands [and/or lovers] are more important than their own. This is not only untrue, but it can undermine the healthy functioning of the [relationship] dynamic. If a woman is worn out mentally and physically from putting everyone else first, she not only destroys her own health, she in turn deprives her family of being fully engaged in their lives. Instead, she should encourage every family member to contribute to the whole as well as take care of himself or herself. Putting themselves last is not something only women do, but many men as well.
Learn to say no. Many of us are people-pleasers and often put ourselves at a disadvantage by trying to accommodate everyone. We don't want to be selfish, so we put our personal needs on the back burner and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to our well-being. Actually, a certain amount of "selfishness" is necessary for having healthy personal boundaries. You do not do anyone any favors, least of all yourself, by trying to please others at your own expense.
Identify the actions and behaviors that you find unacceptable. Let others know when they've crossed the line, acted inappropriately, or disrespected you in any way. Do not be afraid to tell others when you need emotional and physical space. Allow yourself to be who you really are without pressure from others to be anything else. Know what actions you may need to take if your wishes aren't respected.
Trust and believe in yourself. You are the highest authority on you. You know yourself best. You know what you need, want, and value. Don't let anyone else make the decisions for you. Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to respect your strengths, abilities and individuality as well as those of others. An unhealthy imbalance occurs when you encourage neediness, or are needy; want to be rescued, or are the rescuer, or when you choose to play the victim."
There's more, but the above seems to be some stuff you could use, I think. It came from http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html
04-05-2012, 01:54 PM
Thanks for that nycindie. That was very succinct and put a very fine point on my sentiments.
04-05-2012, 10:40 PM
Thank you to everyone who has responded. Your advice has helped me step back from the crazy ledge for a while. Unfortunately, I don't have the energy to really reply. There was drama between me and Hardy that just pushed me right out the door. I'm taking a few days to myself and figure out exactly what I want and what I need. And to see if this relationship fits those things. I will reply later, I swear!
04-06-2012, 12:37 AM
I know others have said this already, but I wanted to chime in too and just say that when things are so clearly not ok, you're not doing yourself or either of them any favors by acting like they are. It's one thing to be strong for your partners now and then, but when it gets to the point that it's making you want to leave the relationship, it's way past time to come clean and be clear about what you need.
I'm sure, if they really care about you, that they'd rather at least get the chance to try to make things right than get a series of fake "I'm fine"s before losing you. And if they *don't* want the real you, difficulties and all...... then it's time to go anyway. If you decide you want to keep trying this, I would recommend being completely honest about what's been hard for you, how hard it's been, and what you need in order to be ok.
There are options here, at least there can be if everyone is open to having the hard conversations about how to make things work rather than having things be drama after drama after drama (and no, love is not supposed to be like that). This could be a vee with your bf as the hinge, rather than a triad, since feeling disconnected from your gf has been such a problem for you. And/or someone could move out -- being forced into constant contact could be most of the problem here.
05-11-2012, 09:56 PM
Wow, I did not mean to leave this blank for so long but truth be told all the drama in my triad has me exhausted. The last time I wrote, I was feeling very ignored and overlooked and at times walked over by my partners. Not a great feeling.
I actually took two days away from them both, after a minor incident between my boyfriend and I just tipped the scales, and stayed with my mom to think about what I wanted. I was at my breaking point. When I came home, we all had a very long talk about how I've been feeling and what I needed to be happy.
The talk ended positively but over all I felt that I had once again given in. So maybe it wasn't so positive. Part of the issue about this has been that my partners, particularly my girlfriend has wanted a baby for a long time. I knew at the beginning of this triad that there were baby plans in the mix and that the plan was to start trying after we'd been together for a year. Now, I'm not generally squeamish about the timeline IF (and that's a big IF) the timing feels right. I'm not that person who feels you need to be in a relationship for a year before you move in together. If you date someone for a week and decide you want to get serious, I say go for it. Sure, if you break up it's going to be hard and ugly later but if it's want you want I say go for it. Deal with what happens later. I know most people don't agree but that's how I am.
And if things were as good as they were in the beginning, I don't think I would have had any doubts. However, my gf wanted this baby so badly that when I mentioned holding off, all she could hear was "never" in her emotional state. So my talk about my needs turned into damage control over when to have a baby and her not believing me when I said I did in fact want a child but that I just questioned the timing. Given that they'd been fighting so frequently that month, I felt justified in my feelings.
So, I gave in, to keep the relationship and didn't push the issue of not having a baby until things had cooled and straightened out between all of us. But I was not entirely happy. It's never really been about the baby anyway. The baby itself doesn't scare me, the idea that my gf and I need so much more work does. Two weeks after this talk, my gf gets pregnant and doesn't understand why I'm not exactly jumping for joy, which is funny to be because we'd just had this big talk about how I felt hesitant about the timing and that it wasn't that I didn't want a child but that I wondered about intelligence of the idea at the time. (Notice the word timing being important here lol).
But, in the end we worked it out and I realized that I love these people so much that I want to make things work and I knew what *I* had to do in order to fix things. This was about controlling myself instead of trying to control others. If I do everything in my power to make things work and it doesn't, then I know what I need to do.
And, once I realized this, I felt infinitely better. I felt happy and excited about the child. I wasn't scared. And for a week things were amazing. My girlfriend was never so happy around me, never so interested and invested in me since the early stages of our relationship. I felt so happy. Like, "FINALLY, I'm getting the interaction with her that I need/want and it feels awesome."
Then some bad things happened. And that went all downhill. When things get bad for Nancy, she turns to Hardy full force and pretty much ignores me. I don't honestly think she does it intentionally but she tends to be self-centered and Hardy is her emotional crutch/beacon, or whatever. She turns to him and depends on him completely for that emotional support where she doesn't depend on me. The last month, there abouts, this is what it's been like. She's pregnant, upset, they have drama, they "Fix" their drama and it's all about them.
What makes me so crazy is she isn't always so him focused. Sometimes, she acts a hint like what she used to be to me. But in general she's going through a lot being pregnant and I'm not unsympathetic to that. But I find that I loose patience when she needs Hardy to be ok and it's only after she's gotten her fill of his attention that she remembers I'm around.
I'm also on my period right now so I've been a moody bitch all damn day. But I need to vent so here I am.
I knew, once she got pregnant, that at times she'd be more focused on Hardy than me. I figured it had much to do with him being a biological factor, the biological parent and contributor where I am not. But more and more I realize that she views him more like her partner because they share the mortgage, the bills, they have "real careers" (while I work a "bullshit" part time job and go to grad school.) Maybe I'm projecting, feel free to kick me in the ass if you see too much self indulgent whining going on .
I also knew that because their relationship is stronger, that they've had more intense bonding moments than she and I that I'd have to be strong through those moments where she has her entire focus on him.
And I'm not speaking out of my ass. I know what poly people say about comparison, but when you watch your partner's body language and notice that it's entirely directed at another person, never at you, that you never get the same or even type of physical affection your other partner does...how can I not notice these differences?
So I figured I'd have to fight a little harder, put a little bit more work into this relationship to make it work. And usually, if I'm proactive or even aggressive in reaching out to her, she responds. But lately, not so much.
I try to get her to talk, I get one word answers. I try to comfort her physically and she cringes away. I try to support her and take care of her, but she'll run to Hardy the first chance she gets and spill her guts to him. She'll cuddle up to him and cry on him and let him in. Only after that point when she's calmed down and he's given her sufficient attention does she seem to notice and want my affection then. But by that point I'm so fucking sick and frustrated that I don't even want to be around her.
If I keep trying and it doesn't work, what does that make me?
Most of this may be stupid or whatever. I feel like I'm losing my mind half the time. But I know I'm not crazy when I notice the difference between the way Nancy interacts with me than when she interacts with Hardy. I knew she felt distant before because she never believed I wanted to have the baby. But once we put that behind us and she really understood where I was coming from about it and knew I genuinely did want a child and a family with her, I thought we'd get better. I thought this shit would stop happening. But the bad thing happened and now I'm an afterthought, AGAIN!
And maybe it's the period talking but right now I'm so fucking unhappy. I deserve to be happy! I know I do and I hate that one end of the spectrum can be so good while the other can be so stupid. Hardy and I, I feel, have worked through most of our issues and are moving toward a much better place. When it's just me and him, I feel so happy. But when it's the three of us I feel out of place. And I feel so crazy when Nancy actually notices me, because when she does, I can see that she has true feelings for me. That she does love me. What I can't understand is why things are like this.
I try to look honestly at my behavior and I can see what I do to make things worse. I withdraw when I feel like she does. I probably misinterpret her moods at times and think she doesn't want me. But I do ask when I feel weird if something is up. I don't usually get very far with her. But I try to take her word for it. But then I just end up feeling crazy, like it's all in my head.
But I know it's not.
I hate this. I just want to be happy. And more and more I wonder if it's going to be a poly relationship like this. Maybe I'm not strong enough to be in a triad. Maybe it really is just too unstable like everyone says. Maybe all triads are bound to turn into Vee's because of their nature.
None of this is very brave and I'm trying to not feel ashamed of myself for these feelings.
05-11-2012, 10:04 PM
More and more I'm finding that I want to live on my own. I love having a home with a partner and sharing a bed at night with someone I love. But lately I just want my own space. Getting my own place isn't an option at this point because I can't afford it. If I didn't live with my current partners, I'd have to live with my mom until I finished school. I can pretty much take care of my personal bills, I don't have the money for rent.
I'm sure this has a lot do with my current relationship drama. But I'm also feeling the need for more personal time. I think much of it has to do with the fact that I've never really lived on my own. I lived in college dorms until I met Hardy and then I pretty much moved in with him. Almost a decade later, here we are. Maybe it's the stress of living in a triad and not always wanted your partners lovey dovey interaction in your face all the time. (or the ever present reminders of how much sex they are having.)
Just wanted to get that out there. I really wish I had my own place to go to, to get a breath of fresh air. It would be so nice.