View Full Version : Lucky In Love :)
02-29-2012, 05:33 AM
i'm sixta, 25, from san diego. i've been married 4 years and recently started the poly life this past november.
my husband has had a harder time adjusting than me... but i can honestly say i feel very lucky, despite the challenges.
my lover is married as well... his wife is in the dark, which is a shame. but we have an awesome relationship and he is very much a part of my life. he has a good rapport with my husband, some of my family members, and friends.
i'm here to get to know others who share similar lifestyles and values, and learn more of how this whole thing works. sometimes i feel like i'm fumbling in the dark... but sometimes that can be fun too ;)
02-29-2012, 06:01 AM
my lover is married as well... his wife is in the dark, which is a shame. but we have an awesome relationship...
It doesn't bother you that he's cheating?
02-29-2012, 06:24 AM
not particularly. that's his marriage, his choice. i do wish that for him though, to be able to have that openess with her one day.
02-29-2012, 07:29 AM
Welcome to the Forum.
02-29-2012, 05:43 PM
It's a time bomb. Have you given any thought to the collateral damage, blast radius and or fallout when that bomb goes off???? Real hard to put humpty dumpty back together again after that.
02-29-2012, 06:33 PM
Why has your lover decided not to talk to his wife about non-monogamy? Do they have a don't ask, don't tell arrangement? Are you friends with her? I am very curious about why and your take on his reasons.
While you are not responsible for his decision to have a sexual/emotional relationship with someone besides his wife, you do bear responsibility for deciding to be in that relationship with him, for accepting that he is cheating on his wife with you.
There are sometimes good reasons for not telling the truth, for going outside a marriage. I can imagine scenarios. And either you find his reasons sufficent or you believe his cheating is all on him with no moral implications for your own behavior.
I have decided that I won't get involved with someone not openly and ethically non-monogamous, even if they have 'good' reasons not to be honest and above board with their spouse. It spares drama, and relieves me from having to constantly gauge the truthfulness of a potential partner. I also have decided that I do not want to cause others pain if I can avoid it. If I was a consenting partner in a secret relationship, ('the other woman') and the wife thought the husband was monogamous with her and found out otherwise, then I have hurt her. Yes, the husband in this situation is primarily responsible for hurting his spouse but I share in that betrayal too.
You are an adult and you have your reasons I am sure. But dingedheart has a point. Your lover, and presumably his wife, are known to your husband, your friends, and parts of your family. When she realizes the nature of your relationship with her husband, assuming she doesn't already, it could get very ugly. Given how open you describe being with him, it would not take much. And that ugliness would not be confined to just you but your husband, friends, family, maybe even your kids.
03-01-2012, 03:22 AM
If I was a consenting partner in a secret relationship, ('the other woman') and the wife thought the husband was monogamous with her and found out otherwise, then I have hurt her. Yes, the husband in this situation is primarily responsible for hurting his spouse but I share in that betrayal too.
I see it similarly, with a slight difference. If I were in that situation, I am sharing responsibility for hurting his wife whether she finds out about us or not. I can't be with someone who could treat his wife with such dishonesty and disrespect that way. Secrets hurt. Affairs hurt. I have been the secret mistress when I was younger more times than I would like to admit, and also thought cavalierly that it wasn't my responsibility to worry about that - but it is. For me to act compassionately in life, I can't encourage or participate in someone else's deceptions. But I do understand how easily one get get into that kind of situation and all the rationalizing that accompanies it.
Plus, it does affect your self-esteem in very negative ways, no matter how much you try to shrug it off like it's not your problem. Wouldn't you want her to have as fully honest a relationship with him as she could possibly have? Have you encouraged him to talk to her?
03-01-2012, 06:58 AM
i don't feel the need to defend my relationships or choices, but i will say that his reasons do make logical sense to me, and i empathize with his situation.
Welcome to the Forum.
why thank you! :)
03-01-2012, 12:10 PM
Good luck! I hope things turn out well.
03-02-2012, 06:37 AM
thank you! <3 me too. :)
it's all new territory. but we're all good people. trying to enjoy life while still doing the right thing, as best we can :)
06-08-2012, 05:52 AM
I'm Kiran, a newbie polyamorous guy from San Diego. I'm looking to make some new friends in San Diego and share some experiences. Reply back if interested...
06-08-2012, 11:48 AM
Hi Lucky. I have been in your shoes when I was new to exploring polyamory. God knows there are millions of married guys out there with lukewarm marriages in which they are not fully content. Lots of men have messaged me over the past 3 1/2 yrs, wanting a secret gf, unable to get their wives on board with full polyamory for whatever reason.
It seems there are so many women who lose interest in sex, yet are unable to give their horny husbands "permission" to seek it elsewhere. Nothing is left for these guys but lonely fantasy and masturbation, or cheating. Personally I have a really high sex drive (tho I am female! lol) and I know how deadening and depressing and self esteem killing it can be to survive without sex, with the intimacy and emotional closeness it brings.
I dabbled in a couple of affairs where I was more or less a secret from the wife. I found that I no longer had interest in doing that and waited for men who were truly free, either single or experienced in polyamory, whose wives were full of compersion for their other relationship(s). It is much much better for me, living this way, guilt free.
I am glad you came here to learn about being poly. What you are doing now is not poly, because that assumes that ALL parties know and support each others' relationships. I am glad you and your bf are happy, but like others here, I am concerned for the fallout.
Just something to think about...