View Full Version : it's ok for her, but not for me....
02-25-2012, 01:49 AM
hi everyone, so i'm kind of new here, and i'm dealing with a problem. I've been ok with being poly for a while now, but my girlfriend is only a couple months in. She has always felt attraction to girls. I have always liked the idea, and told her so. She is currently in the works of seeing another girl, and told me that she has feelings for another guy. I'm ok with all of it, I love the whole idea of compersion, but I feel as though it's one sided. It seems like when I even mention going out with a couple of our poly friends to hang out or of course for sex, she gets upset and bursts into tears. I feel as though i'm ok with being poly but only she's allowed to act on it. And on the flipside, she's not totally ok with it yet, i'm not allowed to do anything for fear of her being upset.
i'm so frustrated, and just need a couple outsider's advice. Thankyou
02-25-2012, 03:45 AM
i think the first question is of an "is your computer turned on?" level, but have you expressed to her that you feel that the arrangement is one-sided?
next thing, i'd guess, is to ask if she feels your behaviour towards others seems different in any specific way than hers, if she feels you're neglecting her in a way she doesn't feel she's doing to you.
by the way, i am totally 100 percent inexperienced in these matters, my current relationship is my first and only, i just think these are probably important things to clear up before anything can make sense.
02-25-2012, 06:44 AM
My guess is that she is feeling like needs are not getting met, but doesn't know how to express it. Possibly she feels like what she is doing is emotional, but you are going out to get sex, and that feels like cheating. Also, being new to this, possibly she feels like, if you have to go elsewhere to get sex, then she isn't good enough/fulfilling/important.
Absolutely you need to sit down and have a talk. You need to let her know that you feel it's one-sided, and you both need to know what you each expect from the relationship. If she says she's okay, then you have a right to know why she gets upset when you go out. It's possible that she's saying she's okay with it because she wants to make you happy.
02-25-2012, 06:51 AM
It also sounds like she should be doing a lot of work with her insecurities. Is she willing to do that? Is she committed?
To me it sounds like her behavior stems from a lack of self-esteem. At least for me that kind of thing does.
Now the tricky part for you OP is that there's really not that much you can do to help her. You can be loving and supportive but it really is something that she needs to work on with herself.
02-25-2012, 03:14 PM
everything you all said is very much true, thank you. I know these things take time, and yes she is deadling with her insecurities (her family is not a help), it just upsets me that she feels like it's no big deal for her to experement, but it hurts when I do, so I haven't even done anything in over a month. I'm honest about my feelings, but is that not enough? Should I let her deal with these things and do what I want? Or should I wait? I feel like i've lost the freedom that being poly grants. That is the most important reason I want to be poly.
02-25-2012, 03:29 PM
If one partner isn't totally ready, and it sounds like she isn't nearly secure enough yet, you both should step back and talk about it more. In theory, you and her should have the same rights in this relationship...what's good for the goose is good for the gander as they say.
My hubby was first to foray into poly with my full consent, but I told him from the start that I reserved the right to do the same. When I did exercise that right, he found it rather hard...but good communication and respect of the other's feelings help. Good luck :)
02-26-2012, 01:06 AM
my point was it might not be so simple as her not being okay with sharing, she may feel she has reason to think she's being neglected.
02-26-2012, 01:09 AM
How do i step back, when she is acting more on the "open" part of this relationship than i am? Don't get me wrong, i love the idea that she is experimenting, I'm just upset that she is the only one who can, because when i do, it's like the whole world is about to come crashing down.
02-26-2012, 01:50 AM
Well, she needs to stop. Close things up temporarily and TALK. She cannot expect to be allowed to play while you can't for fear of her meltdown.
02-26-2012, 08:09 AM
how do i step back, when she is acting more on the "open" part of this relationship than i am? Don't get me wrong, i love the idea that she is experimenting, i'm just upset that she is the only one who can, because when i do, it's like the whole world is about to come crashing down.
Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!
02-27-2012, 01:30 AM
thankyou everyone, we've talked about this and I think we're back on the right track. I think more than anything it was just a misunderstanding. She is feeling more secure, and I am feeling better about this situation. I went out last night with a friend (i didn't do anything sexual, but that's beside the point), and she was much calmer and relaxed about it. I'm proud of her, and I know we're back on track to being openly loving. :)
02-27-2012, 01:55 AM
My husband and I started out this way...sort of. He told me a couple of times he would be ok if i slept with other girls but I didn't want to have a one sided poly relationship because I wasn't ready for him to sleep with someone else. It took about a year for me to wrap my head around this idea.
I would say both of you should maybe sit and talk this out, at length before either of you act on another relationship. That's what we did and by the time we ended up acting on our poly desires we were able to stay strong even through a lot of issues with girlfriends...