Good times

[Breathesgirl]

It's a great feeling knowing that my possible secondary (I'm his possible tertiary) and my primary get long awesomely! They have a lot in common & get together Friday evenings, along with a few others, to play D&D 4th ed.

We'll all have family picnincs together a couple of times during the summer and bring whomever with us. I get my fill of ankle biters at their place and then come home and enjoy the relative peace and quiet of teen agers, lol. He comes over here once a week, usually, and enjoys the total peace and quiet of no kids in residence, no crying, no "Poppaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!", etc. Cuddles, talks, movies with no one else talking (dig at my boyfriend, btw, lol).

*sigh* I can most definitely understand why some folks are drawn to poly.

[MonoVCPHG]

Great to hear such a positive experience:) I hope you keep sharing your journey.
Take care
Mono

[Breathesgirl]

Thanx :).

I'll keep posting as they happen :).

[ImaginaryIllusion]

They have a lot in common & get together Friday evenings, along with a few others, to play D&D 4th ed.

*sigh* I'm sorry Breathesgirl, I'd love to feel happy for you, but I just can't support this in good conscience. I mean...4th ed? Come'on! That just can't be justified when there so many better gaming choices out there!
:rolleyes:

[Breathesgirl]

One of these days I AM going to throw this lap top from the balcony! From three floors up do you think it would finally do what it's supposed to WHEN it's supposed to do it? lol

I know absolutely NOTHING about gaming other than the fact they enjoy it and that's good enough for me :). It means I get some PEACE AND QUIET around here with absolutely no background noise, no tv, no son singing (rather well i might add) to whatever he finds on Youtube, no blaring music, no rap or hip hop, no son spending 3 hours talking on the landline (he lost his cell due to non-payment of his bill to me, his mom, who's name his bill is in) to his girlfriend whom he's going to be seeing in just a few hours, NOTHING! Nothing except me and my thoughts, the bird singing & the tapping of my computer keys.

Hmmmmmm, He does enjoy the other editions, Shadowrun, 40K that I can think of off hand & since He's asleep right now I'll not risk His, or my, sanity by waking Him and asking what the others are, lol.

I know there are other things I would rather be doing since gaming holds absolutely no interest for me (not that everyone understands that but the blank look in my eyes when they bring it up usually does the trick, lol) but there are things I do which hold no interest for him either *shrug*. Who doesn't like peace and quiet? :D Him, that's who. He enjoys his regular Wednesday "me" time but has SOME form of sound going all the time.:o:)

[Breathesgirl]

Awesome day yesterday!

Let me back track a bit here. Possibility got out of the hospital last Wednesday after a four day attack of gall stones. His primary partners weren't in the country and one of them had food poisoning so them coming back wasn't feasible:(. He spent those four days in the hospital, an hour away, totally alone! Not sleeping well at all, on a liquid diet, and utterly lonely! I couldn't go because of work and transportation costs and I was cat sitting. The cats were at their place and with our transportation system.....let's just say I would have gotten to the hospital in time to turn around and come back home. Any way, I borrowed a vehicle so we could go pick him up *joy*. He was pacing the hallway and practically ran to give me a hug. He buried his head in my shoulder and would have cried, I think, if it hadn't been such a public place.

We got back to town and got the man fed with REAL food and took him home so he could get a shower and the first good night's rest since his partners left on vacation.

His liver numbers were way, WAY out of whack. He was slightly yellow/gray because of it. The numbers are coming down and more blood tests are ordered so they can monitor it and intervene if they don't come down to within acceptable levels soon.

We both had yesterday off--his normal day off and I took this week as paid vacation since it's March/Spring break so I can spend time with the kids as well, and decided Monday would be good since his partners are due back tonight so we wouldn't get our weekly night in if we didn't do it then.

I went over there yesterday morning & got to spend the WHOLE day with him! We didn't have anything planned other than a walk to the library and to watch some of The 4400, both of which we did, as well as a trip to the grocery store and Subway so I could finally get some food into me before the dreaded headache set in.

It was cuddles, quiet times, relaxing & just......I don't really know how to explain it really. He played his video games while I watched, I read, we Watched some of The 4400 *sigh*

I DO enjoy watching OTHERS play video games. It's relaxing for me for some reason. One of my very first dates was to an arcade, lol, For some reason this surprised and amused him, lol. If I'm having trouble falling asleep I'll ask Sir to boot up one of His games and just lie there and watch until my brain is relaxed enough to enable me to sleep.

I was planning on coming home around 3, got there around 9, but Sir called and said he was still at work & didn't know when He'd be home. Sir called again when He got home and asked me to stop at the store & didn't really tell me when to be home, He just asked that I be home by 8 so we could watch Chuck together. *sigh*

All happy, happy, joy, joy yesterday:).

I got home before 8 and got to sit there and watch Sir play DDO (which I do play when I'm in the mood for frustration and killing) while I told Him about my day :D.

Yup, good day :D.

[Breathesgirl]

I was over there again last night to keep him company, and help him keep his sanity, until his partners got home. They made it home safe and sound & he's super, super happy now, lol. Snuggles and cuddles abound now I guess, lol.

I've been thinking about offering my/our baby sitting services, once they get back in the groove of everything, so they can have a date night and have some reacquainting time without having to worry about the kids :D.

Today five of us (me, my nephew, one of my sons, b/f & his possibility) to a cheap movie and had a blast :D. All's good here other than my being super tired, lol.

[Breathesgirl]

Things are swimming along quite nicely:).

Possibility is having his gallbladder removed Tuesday as long as his throat isn't still sore (they're susptecting Strep) & is threatening to go out and eat the fattiest foods he can find so they'll take it out as an emergency *sigh*. He's frustrated beyond belief! He's tired of having to watch what he eats and the paranoia is eating him alive! He's scared that the next thing he eats will send him back to the hospital in worse pain than before. I'm being good in that respect. I dig out my weight watchers recipes and cook something up from those, modifying the fat content if I can or need to. This last time it was Slim Down Sloppy Joes--awesome!

Other than the gall bladder stuff.....We've decided it's time to add some bdsm elements into our relationship. This is an exciting turn & we're just waiting until he's had his surgery and the doctor clears him for activities more strenuous than lifting a pencil, lol.

We're currently working our way through the TV show Jericho with an ocassional change to The 4400, lol. Sometimes we throw in a movie for a change of pace.

[Breathesgirl]

Woot!!!!!!!!

It's Robin's night to be her own primary! YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I look forward to this night each and every week! It's two whole hours (sometimes more) of no one being here other than myself and the bird, lol. Time to regroup, recharge and get caught up on moderating duties, email, do some chatting, update blogs and just generally have some down time.

I am very excited. Possibility is turning into more and more of a sure thing each and every week.

I made him blush yesterday and I wasn't there to see it, drat my luck!

I had sent him an email detailing why I was happy with taking things as slowly as we have been. I had my say, including what I thought were some of his endearing traits, lmao.

We are talking about what it is we want to do when the doc clears him for play time. We're working on our limits lists (one of the things I'm probably going to do tonight btw) and just generally teasing each other and just gushing at each other, lol.

We've known each other for two or three years and have finally started talking about taking the plunge into the realm of a more sexual and physical relationship. Yes, we're definitely taking things slowly.

I want to make sure that this relationship is for me. I've been hurt too many times in the past (although in mono relationships :rolleyes:) & I'm just trying to protect myself from more hurt. He's hurt me before as well which put a huge old dent in my trust but we've slowly been working that out and moving forward.

I wanted to also make double & triple sure that Breathes was definitely ok with my being with another man. When Possibility originally asked me if I would consider being in a secondary relationship with him Breathes had voiced some concerns over the fact Possibility is bi-sexual and lack of knowledge of how safe their safe sex practices were and what his past love life had been. We've gotten over that hurdle now & Possibility suggested he go and get his blood work done just to ease Breathes' mind on that score.

I love the way Possibility gets all nervous around me. It reminds me of teen age love/puppy love where the participants are all tongue tied and can't seem to find the right words or actions for what's on their minds, lol.

I may also be feeling a touch of NRE, lol. This week was the first time we've actually discussed with actual words, rather than innuendo and suggestions, a sexual relationship & it's got me flying :). Mind you, my suggestion of adding a BDSM context to our relationship had him flying, lol.

____________________

Breathes is my savior and salvation in so many little ways. He's always there for me. He reads me and knows me so very well. He can usually tell, long before I can, what it is I really need right then & is usually on hand to provide it.

For instance: I was having a really hard time on Mother's Day. He went out and got me a card and two Spider Robinson books. The next day I asked him how he knew what it was I needed. His answer? "I'm a genius!" lol

He is also my best friend, my soul mate, my sanity, my sounding board and so very much more.

I don't think he realizes just exactly how much I really do love him. I don't know if I can even verbalize how much, really. A line from Who Framed Roger Rabbit comes to mind whenever I think about it. "How do I love thee, let me count the ways! One one thousand, two one thousand...."

Any way, enough for now. The tendonitis in my wrist is acting up which means I really need to stop typing.

[Breathesgirl]

Possibility and I are absconding with his kids later this afternoon.

His male partner won't be home and his wife hasn't had alone time in ages so I proposed we take the kids to the library or McDonald's play land so she can have some down time, we can spend some time together & he'll have the help he needs if one of the kids needs to be picked up. (He's on weight restrictions until the doc gives him the green light).

Elsewhere someone asked what our ideal relationship would look like. Mine would look something like : our two families merging--the five in his family the four in mine--to form our own intentional community. We would be open to having others join us or our current partners having other partners. We would have individual rooms so we could all have our alone time when we needed it. There would be one very large cuddle/sleep room where we could all cuddle, snuggle, sleep when the want or need arose. We would have a large media room with the computers, TV, music system all located there with smaller boom boxes in the individual rooms. All rooms would be sound proofed since I'm sound sensitive. We would all communicate with each other telling each other when we had a problem or when things were going good, future plans, memories. We wouldn't all have to be lovers but we would have to be able to get along.

[Breathesgirl]

I posted this else where and thought I would expand on it here.

Possibility and I might be adding a couple of days a month to what we currently have with each other :d!

He asked last night if there were another night during the week when we could have some more time together. After going over my and Breathes' schedule I realized that every other Thursday is available! YEAH!

I asked Breathes about it because he IS my primary and as such has a right to know and it would be taking time away from OUR time. He hasn't been getting any down time for himself over the last couple of months so he jumped at it! lol

[Breathesgirl]

I have learned something today. It's actually quite a huge revelation.

I have learned that the reasons I was having problems with jealousy in my primary relationship were: 1. It WAS early in our relationship so I didn't have a solid foundation to work from & 2. since it WAS early I didn't have the reassurances from him that he wasn't going to go any where.

We have, over the last five years, built that foundation and it just keeps getting stronger the longer we're together.

There have been problems, don't get me wrong, but we've worked through them TOGETHER. We've talked like the adults we are. We haven't degenerated to name calling and yelling. He's logical & I'm emotional, we balance each other out.

My lightbulb moment came when he actually told me that he CHOSE to come home to me each night. He didn't come home because He felt it was an obligation, He came home because He WANTED to! That was a HUGE revelation and now I understand why :).

Things are slowly falling into place in my mind and I'm happy about that because it means I'm slowly becoming more and more happy with myself and my relationships.

It's been a long road to get to the place where I'm happy with myself and I'm more than willing to keep up the hard work in order to continue being happy.

[Breathesgirl]

My viewpoint of polyamory may be a bit different from other people. I was in a mentally abusive relationship where I wasn't allowed to have friends of any sort & it was a major accomplishment for me to do groceries by myself! For me poly is about the freedom to have FRIENDS, to be alone when I want or need to be, to be around others when I want or need to be, to NOT have someone policing my every action and word trying to figure out the hidden meaning with everything!

The only good thing to come out of that time in my life is my kids! Well, I guess I did get some insight into myself and what I didn't want in my life but I didn't see it that way at the time.

My POV is changing, slowly, to include other loves and chosen family but I'm not rushing it. I am just enjoying the freedom to be me, a whole me, that can come & go as I please, have friends, have conversations without someone listening in and to have thoughts and feelings and dreams of my own that don't include *do I HAVE to tell him this or can I just go and do it!* I do tell Breathes but that's because I want to, I don't want him to worry. I would have told the ex simply because he would have called me every five minutes until I walked in the door at home because he couldn't stand the thought that I might actually be having *gasp* fun! I might have an original thought &, horror of horrors, might actually have the gall to have a conversation with someone in a place where he couldn't hear it! He's the reason I got my first cell phone. I could actually go outside and away from the house to carry on a conversation! The draw back? He could call me *sigh*. Once I walked in the door he'd grill me about what I did, who I talked to, who said what to and about whom, etc.

Yeah, I'm learning what freedom is really about. I'm learning what a healthy relationship is. I'm learning what a healthy Robin is.

[Breathesgirl]

I was just reading through some of my older posts and discovered I have come a long way during the last five years!

At first I definitely wanted the freedom to do and be what I wanted & needed to but I was scared to do it. Eleven years of mental & emotional abuse will do that to a person.

It's OK to be scared though. It gives you a reason to do some self introspection, to learn who you are and why those things scare you and what you can do to not have them scare you any more.

I've come from being a gal just out of a bad relationship who was scared to talk to anybody for fear they would think I was some unmentionable thing to someone who WILL talk to others once she gets over her shyness or uncomfortableness in certain situations.

I owe some of it to my first Master. He gave me the support I needed to get out of that situation by getting an apartment of my own. He & I parted ways a long while ago but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for him because of that.

I owe a lot of it to Breathes. He's been my support for the last five years. He lets me vent and rant when I need to & doesn't hold it against me in any way--he doesn't throw it back in my face at a later date--it happens, it's over and forgotten. He makes me laugh when I don't really feel like there's a bright spot left in my life. He lets me explore who I am in the poly world, the BDSM world and the vanilla world without judging me. He offers guidance & support in any of my endeavors without telling me I can't do anything, or even making me FEEL like I can't do anything I put my mind to.

I love him to the depths of my soul & I don't think I could ever give back to him even a fraction of what he's given me.

Some of it I owe to my own precious self. I've come a very long way indeed since I left the ex. I've learned that it IS ok to have friends without having to report everyone's comings & goings to anyone. As long as I'm happy with myself then that's all I really need, the rest is just cream cheese icing on the cake!

[Breathesgirl]

I love my job.

I love my job.

I love my job.

Management & people who are abusing union steward privileges on the other hand...........

I got shifted to night shift starting this past Sunday night. My being sent to nights is contractually wrong since the contract states that as long as the worker is willing and capable of doing the assigned job they can stay on their preferred shift. The plant manager was interpretting this clause differently than the rest of us.

The union steward causing all of this (probably representing someone else) has a mouth as big as the state of Texas & all the creatures in it. She was telling people last Wednesday night that I was going to night shift. I hadn't even been informed of the move yet! That information is supposed to remain confidential. ANYTHING said/done in the office is supposed to be confidential. It is also morally & ethically wrong! If I want people to know my business I will tell them myself. I have a mouth and know how to use it for myself

This situation will soon be corrected since I can do any job this department offers AND I have 21 years under my belt there!

I am dumbfounded by how little these management types know about these jobs! (In manager's defense he did just start the job in May) I was told by the chief Steward this morning that he could have gotten me a different job for this week if I had my tow motor license. I did that job for about ten years without the license & the afternoon shift lady does it without as well even now, & she's nearing retirement. I have never been offered to go for my license. I can do the job & if the tow motor is needed I know how to find one of the drivers & organize things so that I can get everything I need done efficiently & still leave them more than enough time to get their job done as well. *sigh*

I now know why I tend to sit by myself during break.....no gossip, no politics & that's where I get the majority of my serious thinking done, lol.

The lady causing all of this strife is looking at one clause & totally ignoring the one which is directly above it! The one she's going by is correct in a different set of circumstances. ie. If I didn't know the other jobs or didn't have the seniority THEN I would have to go to my last posted position which was night shift. I never have liked her very much & now even less so.

Brighter spots in my life.

Breathes loves me:D. He's just as stressed over this as I am. I become a cranky bitch when I'm not sleeping properly.

Possibility loves me :D. He's anxious about this as well.

I got to spend most of Sunday afternoon with Possibility! woot! We were watching the kidlets but once they went down for a nap....I don't think we've ever been so relaxed together.

[Breathesgirl]

Springboard time.

We used to have a one penis policy in our household. I am selectively bi-sexual so this wasn't a particularly big issue, at least until I wasn't finding anyone else to date who was interesting/interested in me & was relatively drama free.

I wasn't particularly worried about it because I was quite happy, for the most part, with having Breathes as my only partner. I didn't think I could be happier.

I have since learned how wrong I was, I could be happier.

A couple or three years ago Possibility asked me if I would consider being his tertiary. I discussed it with Breathes. He had some initial concerns centering around sexual health (Possibility is a bi-sexual male) but agreed on principal.

After discussing Breathes' concerns with Possibility he understood & took the steps to get testing done as well as doctor visits, etc. While waiting for results to come back we proceeded in getting to know each other better. We cuddled & watch movies, talked, cuddled some more, took some breaks for non-relationship issues & have come through even stronger and better friends.

We still haven't had sex but, ya know what? That's ok. Sex isn't the be all & end all of MY relationships. There's so much more to them. There's the friendship first and foremost. If I can't be friends with my lovers, have fun with them outside the bedroom, then what do I have? A loveless, friendshipless acquaintance, that's all.

Yes, sex is fun & interesting & a great stress reliever (THAT'S what I need to relieve this work stress! SEX! lol) but we have so much more together! Breathes & I, Possibility & I, Possibility's Primary partners & I, his kids & I (their faces light up when I walk in (they're nearly 4 & 14 mos)), Possibility & Breathes, Possibility's other partners & I (haven't met them yet, hopefully in June).....we're a big family who just happen to have different residences. Possibility, his primary partners & Breathes all play D&D together for peats sake, lol. They get along really well, for which I will be eternally grateful. I don't know how I would be able to handle it if they didn't get along.

I am slowly getting to the point where I can open my heart, not just my head, to him. It took me nearly three years to tell Breathes that I love him. I've been burned before & I guess I'm a *wee* (sarcasm implied) bit superstitious. My head tells me that once I admit to someone that I love them the relationship starts turning sour & eventually ends painfully. I know it doesn't really work that way but sometimes I just can't dial down my brain & follow my heart.

I sometimes feel guilty that I can't tell Possibility that I love him. I do & that love is growing bit by bit. I have explained to him why I can't say it yet & he's ok with that. He tells me that he loves me quite often & doesn't expect to hear it in return. I will be very happy the day I can admit it to him though. That will be one more barrier out of the way.

Possibility is VERY understanding. Even after he messed up, nearly ending things between us, he gave me the space I needed to come to terms & forgive. He didn't push things. I'd get the occasional hello but nothing overt or pushy or anything. Even when I eventually initiated contact again he didn't push, he let me take things at a speed I was comfortable with. I was super cautious which meant super slow (a snail would have reached the same conclusions quicker, lol) he was great about it. He didn't push for cuddles or hugs or kisses or anything. He was just.....there......an island in the middle of a turbulent ocean.....waiting for me to reach a place where I could go a little further & a little further & a little further until now where we are comfortable (maybe it's I'm comfortable) giving hugs & kisses in front of our partners, being semi-nude, together or singly. We are just able to be with each other. Be our individual selves & as a couple.

How did I get so lucky as to have two of the most wonderful men on the face of the earth in my life?

[Breathesgirl]

I sent the above post to both partners. It seems Possibility needed a warning, lol. It brought tears to his eyes. He was at work so that's not quite as ok as it would have been had he been at home.

That post was the springboard for my being able to verbally tell Possibility that I do love him :). Mr. SmartyPants (Possibility) pointed out that my putting it in print was, in effect, still telling him that I love him, lol. That post made it easier for my to tell him with the spoken word just a couple of days later *sigh*.

Breathes was relieved that I'm happy & love him :). That's all that mattered to him *sigh*.

Things are moving forward. Sometimes dragging, sometimes jumping, sometimes running or leaping but always moving forward.

We have now finally incorporated some D/s into our relationship. I'm happy about the change but a little apprehensive. It's been a lot of years since I allowed my Dominant side some lee way & it's not wanting to go into hiding again any time soon.

I worry that I won't be able to submit to Breathes. *sigh*

I will find that happy medium once I take the time needed to sort things out.

Possibility & I have all day Monday together, well from @ 8-3 any way. Oh my the things my brain is thinking that I could do to him :D.

It's nearly time for me to sign off. I'm getting tired & I seem to recall the request for a back & foot rub not so long ago......my achy back is reminding me, lol.

[Breathesgirl]

Life is what it is. More people need to remember this.

We can't control what other people do around us. For the most part we can't control what people say on this forum. We can, however, control how we react to what those other people are saying and doing.

I really enjoy this forum, the insight, the thoughtfulness, the differing personalities and attitudes, the totally different perspectives coming from so many different people....

What I don't like is that with so many different people and perspectives there's bound to be drama at some point in time. I try to stay out of this drama. I try not to let it suck me in. I try to remain neutral or not reply to the drama threads at all.

Now, on to some happier stuff.

Breathes had an interview yesterday! YAY! He's been unhappy in his current job for quite a while. The laughter and fun has gone out of his eyes. His mouth and body are saying all the right things but his eyes tell the truth of where he is truly at. Yesterday was the first day in a very long time that he has been really happy and all it took was an interview!

I've felt guilty over the last few months. Guilty that I have another partner and he doesn't. Guilty that I've found someone I love and love to be with just as much as I love and love to be with Breathes.

I was able to talk to Breathes about it yesterday. I had finally figured out what the little niggling feeling in the back of my brain was telling me. To my surprise he's had the same feelings when it's been him with another partner and me without. He pointed out that if it were really bothering him he does have a FWB that he could go to if he felt the need. She's not my favorite person, doesn't even make the top 100, but he does have someone to turn to if he finds he needs those needs met. That makes me feel a bit better. What would make me feel 1000% better would be for him to have another partner.

I realize that finding another partner isn't the easiest thing in the world to do, especially for people who don't necessarily get out and about and do things just for the sake of doing something. I'm going to do this today if it kills me!

There's a fireman's challenge downtown today. I was supposed to go with a friend, unfortunately it's during the hours she has to work *sigh*. I'm going to pack up the camera, grab a backpack and go have some single fun! BTW the cam is so my friend can live it vicariously, not to mention I can then poke fun at her, lol. Besides, who doesn't want pix of some hunky firemen, or women, on their computer? lol

Possibility....where to start? He's just totally awesome! He's so patient, loving and kind! He chose me to have as another partner :). I'm so glad he did. At first he was just so very shy and nervous. His shyness and nervousness was very endearing in the beginning...cute even. As he's gotten more comfortable around me he's been able to relax more. What drives me nuts though is he's a severe multitasker. His brain goes in a thousand different directions, and his body wants to follow, at the same time so it's hard for him to settle down to one thing. It's not the multitasking so much as it is the lack of attention that bothers me.

I have discovered the trigger, or one of them any way, to send him into submissive mode where his mind calms down and he's able to really relax and concentrate on one task at a time. I'm really looking forward to bringing him to his knees on Monday :D, calming him down and really getting into things we've only talked about so far. We're going to get our freak on! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mmmmmmmmmm my two loves who are second only to my kids in my heart :D. Does it get any better than this? Only time will tell I guess & I'm very eager to continue on this journey of self discovery and joint discovery.

Every time I have a chance to look within myself I discover that I've come so very far in the last nearly six years! I've gone from an emotionally & mentally battered woman who didn't think she deserved happiness to a self confident woman who KNOWS she deserves happiness & woe-betide anyone who tells her different!

It's been a hard road to become the woman I am but ya know what? I'd do it all over again if it meant I would like and love myself as no one else can or does. Self confidence is a wonderful thing, no?

[MonoVCPHG]

Thanks for sharing all of this :)

[Breathesgirl]

Thankx Mono :). We see so many people asking how to solve or fix a problem I figured they might appreciate seeing that it all really can work:), even if they do have to work through their own baggage.

Yesterday Breathes went to visit a friend then out for coffee & just hanging out with another friend. I went to a strongman competition which got me outside into the beautiful Thanksgiving weekend/Oktoberfest weather! (Something's wrong with our weather by the way. It's supposed to be cold and rainy for the next eight days! NOT warm and sunny!) The sun was out, the air was warm, the breeze was comforting. I texted with Possibility most of the day and then helped him move a couple of bookshelves from his Mom's to his place! It was really quite a wonderful, and out of the ordinary for me, day! I came home & had a gentle come down from the day before Breathes & friend got home. Put some green beans in the slow cooker for today's dinner & spent the rest of the evening relaxing with some wonderful company!

Today though is a totally different kettle of fish, lol. We're having our family Thanksgiving dinner today. This means I do half the cooking here, my brother does half at his place then we all gather at Dad's, finish off the last few things an eat!

[Breathesgirl]

Today was supposed to be a day for just Breathes & myself but I think he really, REALLY needs some time to himself with no demands on him or his time. Friday night was supposed to be his gaming night with Possibility & family but he got called in to work to fill in for a co-worker who doesn't know how to clean up spilled water before he slips & falls in it, giving himself a concussion. He then had to go to help his sister with something yesterday. On his way there, 45 minutes one way by bus, he got a call that he needed to work last night as well. We will get our time together later on but right now he just needs his time to let his brain relax.

Things with Possibility are great. Of course, a lot of that could have to do with the fact we aren't primaries/living together so don't have to deal with the every day humdrum things that we do have to deal with when with primaries/live ins. No matter, things with us are good, better than good really. Our relationship is having a positive affect on his relationships with his family. It's having a positive affect here as well :).

Breathes and I just haven't had as much time to spend with each other the last couple of months. Some of this had to do with my different work shifts, some of it had to do with our lives getting a little busier & some of it is my being blinded by NRE (gah, I hate being reminded of it) & being forced back to reality by Breathes.

We've been together just over five years and most of those five years it has been just the two of us relationship wise. He's had a friend with benefits whom he saw occasionally but nothing actually serious. Essentially we've been living monogamously in practice while being polyamorous in thought and spirit. It's taken him some time to come to terms with the fact that I've got a secondary whom I truly do care for. Someone who is just as good for me as he is, only in different ways. I love them both but in different ways and for different things. The relationship dynamics are totally different for the two relationships. They both fulfill different parts of me.

I just talked to Breathes about some relationship stuff.

Possibility and I spent most of Monday together. The day was planned as an M/s time together right from the start. He finally got here & I managed to let him take some time to get comfortable & come to terms with the change that was about to happen. After an hour or so of cuddling and holding him he was ready. We took that next step. I am the Dominant one, he is the sub. After the play time, or perhaps during play time, our sexual beings came out play :). Eventually we wound down, lol.


I told Breathes the general gist of what happened once we were alone. I got this double take look of hurt or anger. I was finally able, ready?, to talk to him about it today. The look was fear. Fear of how he could react. The look was him taking stock of his reaction, seeing if he was angry or jealous or anything. He's fine with how things are going and what is happening as long as I keep my primary relationship primary in my thoughts and actions :). Right now the NRE is what's causing the biggest problem, that and lack of time together.

We met Possibility three or four years ago. He asked me to be his secondary a couple of years ago. With life being itself normal self, family life & misunderstandings and hurt feelings it's taken us two years to get to the point where we are currently at. We are play partners, with my being the Dominant One, we are friends & lovers. There are many different facets to our relationship. We can talk about different things. I amaze him because I can relax just by watching him play one of his video games, something I gather none of his other partners does, or has, ever been able to do before. He makes me giggle because his mouth tries to go as fast as his mind does & is very unsuccessful a lot of the time.

Possibility is so very cute when he's in sub mode. He gets quiet, something I don't get very much of at any given time. My kids demand my attention, Breathes loves to talk to which I need to give my attention. Possibility talks a lot during normal times. There is almost constant noise at his house, too.

As I was saying....he's cute in sub mode. He gets quiet and contemplative...he calls it thinkative, lol. Some of his triggers are cute and expected, others are such strong triggers that I'm totally floored by the reaction & strength of it. His reactions are very aural, not verbal as in actual intelligible words, but aural as in gutteral, bestial sounds for the most part and some girlish squealing.

It's been a lot of years since I allowed my Dominant side out. It is such a relief to be able to do so. I love to be beaten, in a good way of course, but I love just as equally to cause someone else the type of pain that causes that feral growl or girlish squeal, the body shakes, the emotions & sexual tensions, the eventual stress relief.

After play time & coming down we gathered some food & walked to his place for a non-Thanksgiving dinner. Both families got together for dinner & discussion! It was an awesome time, a time I think we would all like to repeat. I've brought up the thought of maybe doing it once a month as a time to get together, connect as a group and just have some fun. I've just got to talk to one or two other people about it. I've found it's better to talk to each person personally rather than depending another person to relay a message. Either the message gets garbled or forgotten, NOT a good thing.

[Breathesgirl]

Something is happening that I foresaw many months ago, only in reverse.

For the better part of five, nearly six, years we have been poly in theory but not had much chance to practice it.

Breathes has had a friend or two whom he plays with on the very rare occasion & I haven't had anyone other than him & platonic friends. Now I've got Possibility & Breathes' occasional play dates are less & less frequent. I love the fact I have another but I'm not happy about the fact Breathes doesn't really have anyone else on a regular basis.

What I foresaw was the amount of time we had been spending was a lot more than what we are getting now & the one who doesn't have another partner is feeling the lack. I think part of it is that we may be in the same apartment but we're in totally different rooms doing our own thing.

The being in separate rooms is something I want to change, desperately. Unfortunately it's a small apartment, not really big enough for the four of us plus various friends who visit or sleep over, so rearranging things will be a nearly impossible challenge.

I will cut what I'm doing short in order to go spend time with Breathes in the other room. I will ask him to come & watch his movie (or whatever it is he's doing) in the room I'm in. I will leave my texting or IMing to be with him.

Hmmmmmmmm, maybe I AM feeling the lack, not just him.

Well, I need to do some last little things to our Hallowe'en costumes for tomorrow night (sewing, YUCK!) & spend some time with Breathes while he watches Spinal Tap (gag).

[Breathesgirl]

I am NOT a happy camper! I will be in just a couple of hours though.

My brother & SIL & their drama could bring a Saint to swear.

Breathes' work schedule this week totally freaking sucks! After the party tonight I won't get to see him again until Wednesday night then I won't see him again until probably some time Saturday *sigh*.

We complain about not being able to spend much quality time together & what happens? What we do have is cut in half, if not less than that! I don't count time spooning while asleep as quality time!

Possibility's work schedule sucks too *sigh*. He's doing split shifts on Wednesdays & Thursdays. Every other Thursday is supposed to be our night :(. I know why he's doing the split shifts & why Thursday has to be one of them, that doesn't mean I have to like it though *huff*.

blah

Bright note: Hallowe'en/play party tonight! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will be getting a whole bunch of needs met tonight so hopefully that will tide me over until next weekend.

[Breathesgirl]

Yeah, right, tide me over????? Not so much. I forgot about one very important aspect which drives me totally bonkers! subdrop!

Sunday night was totally awesome! We had a blast!

I got played on, played on Possibility, Breathes played on someone else....great time had by all.

I had made arrangements to have Possibility here tonight because if I'm going to drop it's usually 48 hours later. Foiled by my body once again! I spent yesterday dropping :(. Fortunately Possibility and I had plans yesterday evening which could be changed. Instead of his getting some practice driving in for his test next week we just hung out at his place. I got some much needed down time & had people around & we got to spend some time together. We'll do the driving tonight if I'm feeling up to it by then.

I do everything in my power to avoid sub drop! It is not a pleasant experience for me, I'd rather visit the dentist. This was a totally new & different aspect of my D/s which had not been explored as yet so the unknowns were there. Now I know that I can NOT be played on & then almost immediately go to play on someone else.

If things had gone as planned there would have been a couple of hours between sessions but life being what it is that just didn't happen *sigh*.

Endorphins had me flying high only I wasn't feeling it at the point where I made the decision to play again *sigh*.

Live & learn.

[Breathesgirl]

OK, so this morning's post got lost in the ether????? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I must not have finished it and closed out the window without realizing it :(.

Sunday night Breathes' *friend* (I don't know what to call her that isn't derogatory. I can't stand her.) was at the party as well. I was OK with that. I've come to terms with the fact that that won't be reserved just for us any more.

He told her about our going to a public Hallowe'en party tonight :(. I'm NOT happy about this. It was supposed to be just us and another friend whom I adore. She surprised him yesterday with a text saying that she was going tonight :(. I'll do my very best to be polite when I MUST speak to her & pretend she's not there the rest of the time. This won't be easy since she will stick to him like glue. Since we've spent hardly any time together the last little while, & this coming week isn't promising either, I was kind of looking forward to it.

They got together Thursday morning &, true to form, she wanted sex! He had warned me ahead of time that this would likely be the case. He also told me what he would say. He simply told her no. He was supposed to tell her the reason behind the rejection but, apparently, she was a cranky bitch & whining about it so he decided to wait until she's in a better mood to discuss the reasons behind his saying no.

The reason? He wants her to get her STD tests done. A very, VERY viable reason IMNSHO!!! Her safe sex practices aren't necessarily the greatest. She sleeps with every Tom, Dick & Henrietta available & I don't think she's very stringent about the condom rule. (her 6 month old son is testament to either no condom or a faulty condom). I sent him the link to the local Aids committee which does the tests for free (free here in Ontario any way) & you don't need a doctor's request form to get them so if she doesn't feel she can do this through her doctor they can still be done since they are done anonymously.

It's not just him I'm worried about. It's me, Possibility, Possibility's other partners, any partners any of us may have in the future & on down the line.

I was looking forward to tonight's party, not so much now. I'm hoping I can make an early exit, leaving them there & make my way home on the bus. Me, looking forward to going to a BAR, is really an accomplishment & now that's been tainted. I'm extremely sound sensitive so a noisy bar isn't the best place for me to be. Ear plugs are definitely in order for the night.

Oh yeah, I was hoping to talk to her tonight about Breathes' birthday party in two weeks so she could make babysitter arrangements. He just warned me that she can't keep her mouth shut so to give her one week or less notice so he won't get wind of it *sigh*. Bright side? With such short notice she might not be able to find a babysitter! Since one of the venues is 19+ she can NOT bring the kids with her! They don't listen, I don't like them & don't want them around! Generally I love kids but hers just rub me the wrong way. Maybe because nearly every time I see her they are there, not listening & doing pretty much what they want. Plus, any meets are at McYuck's play land which means I can't hear anything being said because of the noise level *sigh*

Things aren't so good at work right now :(. We're working four day weeks. Great you say? Who wouldn't want that? Someone who was hoping to use her remaining four days of unallocated vacation time to go on a short trip with Possibility in June, that's who! Those days are now used up with the Fridays off :(. Not to mention: not working those days means I'm not accumulating any vacation pay either so, come July when Vacation pay is paid out there won't be nearly as much there as there should be! If they could get the government to pay for that one day (Ontario Works) it would all be good but they haven't been able to get it :(.

Good side of things.

Possibility has his driver's test on Thursday! Hopefully he gets the next level so I won't have to be designated passenger any more. (We have graduated licensing here. Any questions I'll be happy to answer.)

We all had a blast last night for as long as I was at Possibility's place. My kids went to youth group, which is in their neighborhood, so instead of coming all the way home I go visit while they get started on their D&D game & I wait for one of the kids to call to let me know they're ready to leave. I surprised myself, actually. It seems I do pay attention when I don't think I am, lol. They had other friends there as well who were watching TV in the basement & couldn't figure out how to get the sound to work. Someone neglected to turn on the tuner, or whatever it is, so they would have sound. I turned it on when I went to get my coat & all was good.

Time to eat & start getting dressed for the party *sigh*. With the advent of fwb going I don't really want to go any more ;(.

[Breathesgirl]

So last night's party happened. Adored friend & I got there late, leaving Breathes & fwb there alone for two hours! They were going to wait to go in but I told Breathes to just go in & have fun, we'd get there when we got there. They went in & just sat there, in the corner, talking and looking at the shoes! I told them to go ahead so they could dance, or whatever so they wouldn't be bored & freezing while they waited. At least they weren't freezing? The dance floor WAS packed to over flowing but still.......

Frankly I was hoping friend would get here late enough that I would have already gone to bed.

I can not STAND fwb at all! He knows this. They have a lot of history so I'm reluctant to simply veto it. She just rubs me the wrong way. The walls she put up to prevent me from getting too close plus my brutal honesty simply put a stop to any relationship we might have had very early on. Now she's just being nice after years of being not nice &, at times, down right means. She tries to have a conversation, compliments me &, frankly, it's scaring me. I'm wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. What she's got planned in that devious brain of hers. It could simply be that she sees that I'm not going any where but I doubt it.

I must say I looked hawt last night! I was a black angel, friend was a white angel (she looked super hawt, lol) and he was a devil. I was all in black with a little bit of silver--super short skirt, black corsette type top, black fishnets, black sweater & black four inch maryjanes with black wings & halo! Got lots of looks, some compliments, saw the huge grinz on guys faces. This should have made me feel all confident & stuff & it did until I was in fwb's presence :(. She just saps it all from me. I'm an energy vampire so being in a room with so much positive energy I should have been flying high when we left. Not so, she's such a negative force in my life that it negates any positive effects I would normally receive :(.

I really need to work on not letting her affect me in such a way but I'm at a loss as to how to go about it. Hmmmm, sounds like a forum post in the making.....

Meh. I'll be OK. I'm already feeling better having typed this out.

We're going to lunch with a friend today then to see Rocky Horror in the movie theater tonight! I'm not so hot on the lunch as I can get fish & chips here in town but I AM excited about the movie! I've only ever seen it on TV so seeing it on the big screen really has me excited, lol.

[Breathesgirl]

Breathes has surprised me once again!

He called me from work Monday night to say good-night as he always does when he works evenings. We got to talking about Saturday night. He has decided to tell fwb that they will be sticking to strictly friends from now on, no more play & definitely no more sex! Her attitude is really starting to piss him off & he remembered some advice adored friend gave to him about another relationship & applied it to this one. Adored friend had told him that it was selfish of him to try to keep up a relationship with someone especially when it was hurting me because it was hurting him!

Let me try to clarify that. The person was hurting him with her attitude & unwillingness to communicate & it was hurting me because I hurt when he hurts.

Earlier on Monday I had sent him an email asking for a couple of concessions concerning fwb while I worked on my attitude toward her & tried to figure out what, exactly, was setting me off. When he told me his decision I asked him if that decision came from the email I had sent-he hadn't even read his email at that point so didn't know what the heck I was talking about! I'm happy that he's made the decision but sad that it had to come to this. It's a long story which I don't have the time for right now.

In other news...Possibility passed his driver's test! YAY! I thought this would mean no more designated passenger status for me, WRONG! It seems his partner isn't comfortable with his driving solo just yet *sigh*

Breathes & I got our first alone time this week last night! WOOT! Ordered in pizza & wings, watched Ultra Violet & got a foot rub! Life is good!

[Breathesgirl]

Now that I've got 15 minutes.....

Breathes......annoying? Never! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight :rolleyes:.

His birthday is next Sunday & I've got some stuff in the works for the whole weekend. His curiosity is going to drive ME bonkers! He's asking leading questions, giving me suggestions & enjoying (I think) the fact I won't say anything other than "You'll find out when the time is right" or "Birthday/Christmas surprises". He can't stand it when someone ruins a surprise for him as former fwb is wont to do.

He hasn't had a chance yet to talk to former fwb yet about the fact he's no longer interested in her for anything other than friendship. Understandably this is a conversation he wants to have face to face despite the fact he knows how badly she'll react. He's been happier since he made that decision though. YAY!

Things with Possibility are going good although his attitude towards his other partners is going to drive me 'round the bend! The attitude has always been there I guess I'm just now starting to see it better & realize that it does bother me. He loves them but the way they banter back & forth sometimes puts me on edge. It's something I'll have to talk to him about at some point.

Son's homework assignment--recipes with bibliography. He wants to do Southern recipes in honour of my heritage :D. I've got some phone numbers & Southern cooks books plus my mom's recipes so he should have plenty to work with :).

Off to work on a cousin's assignment, lol. Flat Stanly--they want to learn about different parts of the world (grade 1) so they want some unique things about our part of the world--Can't get much more unique than Mennonites & Oktoberfest!

[Breathesgirl]

Breathes' birthday present arrived in plenty of time! YAY!!! Now I just need to go get the other half of it :D. It's Jeff Dunham's biography, Arguing with Myselves which was just released on Nov. 2, & the DVD which has been out for some time.

Friday night is cake & ice cream with Possibility's family (who also happen to be his gaming partners). Saturday is his to do with as he likes (probably sleep since he's worked nearly three weeks straight with only a couple of days off & is starting to drag) until about 5:00 when we'll get ready to go out for the evening! Dinner at a local Mexican restaurant with family and friends then off to Yuk Yuk's for an evening of comedy! (Sam Easton from Final Destination 3 & L Word is the comic). Sunday is more time for himself (sleeping again?) and dinner with his family! A full weekend and all devoted to HIM!

I got to spend about half of Sunday with Possibility. He came over here & we got some play time in! WOOT!!!

We have discovered that I absolutely LOVE to play with his nipples! lol Whenever we leave each other he ALWAYS has sore nipples! hehehehehe So many delightful ways to torture them, so many delightful noises & I do believe his wife is slightly sadistic as well, lmao. She will tweak them, grab them just to hear him groan or squeal, lol.

Apparently our relationship is helping him with his other relationships although his husband did make a comment the other day about his doing things for his girlfriend that he wouldn't do for them????? Possibility has said that he's now trying to do more things FOR his other partners so they will be able to see that it isn't JUST for me that he does things.

It's something which is really quite simple. He's got a really bad habit of eating in front of the computer and not taking the dishes & garbage to the kitchen. That has now stopped because I told him either it stopped or he lost that privilege & would be eating in the kitchen! His hubby asked me to do something about it soooooooooooo, I did :).

Yep, I'm happy. It's not always easy going, it's not always good times. Sometimes it's discussions which need to happen. Some times life happens & gets in the way, forcing us to do those necessary things which we would much rather leave to another day (procrastination is the bane of my existence) or not do at all. Some how it all gets done & I'm able to get back to the fun times again for a while. Either way I'm happy. The only thing that could really make it better would be for Breathes to have a partner whom I could actually like and get along with.

Life is about to happen. I need to get off of here, fix work lunches & hie myself off to work *sigh*.

[Breathesgirl]

A couple of weeks ago Possibility kind of half jokingly mentioned that it would be kind of neat if all of us got a place together. We've talked about it once since then. I think it would be kind of neat to have everyone together.

Right now the thought is just rolling around in my brain, getting the feel of it, deciding if it feels right or not. I haven't mentioned it to Breathes yet as I'm not quite sure yet how I feel about it & it's better for me to wait until I'm sure of my feelings before even attempting a discussion because I end up tripping over my tongue trying to find the right words. Most of the time I would think it would be great but then I think about my needing quiet time & wonder how I would get that with all those people around. There would be five adults, two kids under ten & two teens (the teens are part time). That's a whole lot of people!

I told him that we should wait at least a year. We want to make sure things will work out between us, save up the money and look for a place. I think buying would be a lot cheaper than renting though especially since we would need at least six bedrooms, plus kitchen/dining room, living room, bathroom, basement which could be converted to media room, laundry room, etc.

It's only in these early morning hours that I feel kind of blah about it, like my brain just doesn't want to work yet so I think I'll let my brain finish waking up, lol.

My dad's leaving today for two weeks in Washington visiting his brother. It's the first time he's been since Mom died. We had a family dinner last night. The food was OK (it's never awesome there, I DO wish he'd find another place to eat *sigh*) He got a family picture taken, all eight of us.

Hnnnnn, I'm feeling rather melancholy for some reason

[SNeacail]

I would suggest starting with vacation rentals, one to two weeks at a time.

[Breathesgirl]

Originally by MyotherB in A poor man's therapy: ** I also told her I need her to be more available to me. Feeling that she simply isn't interested in me is tearing me up, and I told her so. I believed her when she said she was sorry, mostly because she was hesitant to make s promise she couldnt keep, so she was being genuine..

For some reason this quote hits home with me today. Breathes is nearly always physically available to me (except sexually which is hit & miss) but emotionally & mentally he's eons away! We used to be able to have talks which did NOT include puns, smart assed remarks or just simply shutting down! These are all defense mechanisms on his part but they are driving me totally batty! There is so much I need to talk about but I'm hesitant to talk to him because I know the odds are against me that I'll get a real conversation :(. Every once in a great while I'll get a full conversation, more than a few words, that don't include any of the above *sigh*.

Hmmmmmmmm, he just invited me to come & attack him! *grinz* maybe back later.

[Breathesgirl]

I'm a little bit perturbed.

I was supposed to meet up with someones from this forum last weekend. Unfortunately one of them ended up ill--not a problem, these things happen. I emailed them that was OK & gave a list of times & places to meet up today. I still haven't heard back. This is the second time I haven't heard back in a timely fashion. The first time I thought that maybe the message had gotten lost in the aether so resent. Twice in less than a week? I'm starting to think they're not all that interested in meeting *sigh*. Ah well, onward I go to bigger and better things.

A tough time of year is coming up...Christmas and winter with it's lack of sunshine. I enjoy Christmas with the lights and decorations although I can NOT stand the commercialism that is Christmas today. Breathes' can't stand it, he has some bad associations with it. Possibility is another religion although he does celebrate Yule.

I need to find a way to get across to Breathes that for me Christmas isn't about the gift giving, it's about family and friends and the FEELINGS associated with Christmas. I couldn't care less about the gift giving and the like. I would much rather be with family and friends, talking and having a good time than I would sitting around the tree opening presents & having others open theirs & seeing the disappointment on their faces because it isn't exactly what they wanted.

I'm hoping that this year will be a least at little bit different. His sister and her family will be up from North Carolina this year. Her three kids have never had a present from him before so he wants to be able to give them that in spades! We've also been invited to adored friend's house during the week she's off to have a non-Christmas get together with dinner, etc.

This time of year is also about depression due to lack of sunlight. Possibility gets this in spades. It's already started in fact. He's using his sunlamp but there's so much else going on that's not so good right now that he's having a hard time seeing the good in life.

I've started my gratitudes list on LiveJournal in order to try to stave off my own depression *sigh*. Being able to verbalize what makes me happy, helps me to see that life isn't all bad, there are some good aspects to it too.

[Breathesgirl]

There have been various posts about communication, & the lack of, here & there in the places I visit frequently.

A lot of times it isn't about the communication itself but about the different communication STYLES and the people involved.

I do well with both written & verbal communication although my forte is with the written word since I have a problem communicating my emotions & feelings verbally without having it blow up on me.

Breathes isn't doing well, lately, with any communication style other than distancing himself from loved ones so he doesn't take out his frustrations on those closest to him. Most of it starts around his birthday & continues on through Christmas & New Year's. Normally he prefers face to face verbal communication since, to him, the written word can't convey the feelings and emotions involved.

Possibility does better with the written word. It forces him, to some extent, to concentrate on what he's saying rather than having just a jumble of thoughts and emotions trying to force their way to the fore in a way which isn't conducive to effective communication.

Not really sure where I'm going with this but just wanted to get my thoughts down for some reason.

[Breathesgirl]

Yesterday was my birthday!

I'm now young enough to know better & old enough to do it any way! lol

I was supposed to go see Jeff Dunham Saturday night as a gift from Breathes. Unfortunately, due to someone's faulty 69 year old memory we didn't have a reliable vehicle to get there :(. Adored friend drove her winter beater. Unfortunately it decided to over heat less than an hour out of town :((. We didn't make it there, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

We did have an enjoyable evening yesterday though. There were five of us here for dinner & fellowship :). Meatloaf, veggies, mashed potatoes & Raspberry Red Velvet cake were to be had :).

I had both of my guys here with me as well as adored friend and another friend :). We watched Just Wright starring Queen Latifah. Really good movie, that woman can make even crepe paper look sexy! mrawr! The only thing that could have made it better would have been to have Halle Berry here to watch it with us, lol.

[Breathesgirl]

There is a reason I call my blog Good Times....for the most part my life is pretty good. It has its glitches & up and down moments but it's still good.

Possibility seems to have inherited the ick from me so wasn't feeling up to par last night :( so he just went home from work instead of coming here for our normal movie night. I knew early enough in the day that he wasn't coming so was able to make plans with adored friend! That's something we don't get to do very often any more...pretty much since she moved out of town :(.

A little shopping and a whole lot of laughing thanx to http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/. I laughed until I cried & texted her to come save me before I laughed myself to death, lmao.

Breathes has been more physically affectionate lately. I haven't gotten to the bottom of the reason yet & I'm not complaining but...wow!....he's cuddling instead of rubbing and massaging my feet/back/neck/shoulders! He's actually right there beside me instead of on the other end of the couch! I love it but am, at the same time, baffled by his change in behavior. Could it have something to do with ALL his living family being together for Christmas?

This is the first Christmas his sister and family will be here for Christmas. The first time his nieces and nephew have gotten to spend the holiday with their Mom's family! They won't be here for long, probably Saturday to Wednesday, but they will be here! Nephew is 11 so it's not a short time since sis was here for Christmas.

He may be closer physically but he seems to be pulling away mentally and emotionally. Maybe that's the reason for the physical closeness?

Possibility celebrates Yule but is bummed. He wasn't able to go to the Yule celebration last Saturday :(. It was too early in the day and he had to work way past the time they would have had to leave in order to get there in time.

Possibility seemed to be having a hard time yesterday. He officially started his diet last Wednesday & yesterday was the first time he's asked for coffee! Coffee isn't on his banned list but cream is, lol, & he can't drink coffee without it. For clarification I'm his Mistress & am trying to guide him through this so he can get to a more healthy weight and be happier with himself and who/what he is.

[Breathesgirl]

Christmas went really well. The first time in a lot of years for me, emotionally any way.

I got what I wanted, a few surprises as well.

The two biggest gifts though? There was no arguing and stress over when to do Christmas dinner and what to eat for it. Usually my brother (Mom before that) insisted on a full turkey dinner with all the trimmings. I didn't want that. Breathes doesn't like turkey and it's one of those things I can live without although I don't have an aversion to it. Breathes' family dinner was Christmas day & since it was the first time his younger sister has been here for Christmas, children and husband in tow, in a lot of years he really wanted to go. We did a brunch with my family which turned out really well. Nobody came away totally stuffed and I was able to sit back, relax and visit since I did most of the cooking here in the couple of days before.

Breathes' family Christmas was good as well. A full house for Oma. She was super stressed as per normal, hadn't eaten all day naturally. I managed to get a piece of breakfast pizza, left over from our brunch, into her & some of us helped her finish up with fixing dinner hoping she would relax and just enjoy having everyone there. It didn't work in getting her stress levels down although I do believe she enjoyed having everyone there. It was the kids first experience with snow so they were overjoyed, lol. The food was good, company exceptional, my stress level was good so I count it as a win.

The other gift was a complete and total surprise! I did not plan it. My older son didn't give me attitude! He didn't complain about any of his presents (although I did hear "yes! No boxers this year!") He was watching the movie he got when we left for my dad's even. To top it all off he spent some of his own hard earned cash to get me a present! He put a little thought into it, bought it last minute but I'm really proud of him! He didn't have to be prodded and he didn't have to ask for the money to get it!

I am really longing for my alone time though *sigh*. There hasn't been much in the way of peace and quiet (my version means me, home, alone, with no sounds what so ever other than the bird chirping!). One or the other, or both, of my kids have been here every day. I wouldn't mind so much if the one who is here most often could learn that I do have a limit to jokes and puns and smart mouthiness! There is a time for fun and games and a time for more serious stuff. He's 15 now & we've been trying for a very long time to drum this in to his thick skull but he's just not getting it. I'm glad he likes to make people laugh but there IS a limit *sigh*. Getting him and Breathes in the same room virtually means that I have no hope at all of having a calm and peaceful evening:(. They are very much alike even though they are in no way related. In the typical male way he doesn't do subtle. Unfortunately he doesn't do blunt and to the point either. He takes absolutely everything as a joke & doesn't clue in to the fact that I'm serious until way past my breaking point.

Monday Possibility and I were supposed to get together but my son was here so he didn't come over. Yesterday was our regular date night, son was here again. Possibility came over and we watched disk 2 of The Lord of the Rings then went out because he just couldn't handle my son yesterday. We ended up at his place where we finally got some alone time for an hour or so. Ironic, really. His house is full with two primary partners, two kids, three cats and a dog. Everyone but us stayed upstairs & left us alone downstairs to watch an episode of Criminal Minds.

I got home, vented to Breathes for a few minutes then we went our separate ways for an hour or so so I could kill things online instead of taking it out on someone who in no way deserved my wrath. (A midol helped immensely as well.)

[Breathesgirl]

I don't know what I want or need to say, there's just something telling me I need to write for some reason. I'm sure it'll become apparent to me as I write *shrug*.

Breathes still hasn't talked to FWB about changing their relationship. The few times they've gotten together she's been the bitch from hell & he, understandably, doesn't want to deal with adding to her already bad attitude. B.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's what I'm going to call her! B.A. for bad attitude! (Sorry A-Team. I like Mr. T. but this nic really fits her.)

He learned, once again, how thoughtless she is as a friend. As I've mentioned he's not so keen on Christmas but really appreciates it when someone puts at least a little thought into a present because it shows they do pay attention and know you. For her present to him she got him a couple of boxes of macaroons! He loves macaroons but he's not seeing the fact that she does at least know that about him. He's seeing the fact she didn't put much thought or effort into a gift for him. To add to the hurt she had the audacity to tell him that she got them AFTER Christmas when they were on sale! This did not go very far towards making him feel loved & special! :( I love him with all my heart but it tears me up knowing he's upset about something and I'm unable to do anything about it other than hold him & let him know I care.

Possibility's attitude has improved quite a bit. His stress levels have dropped to more acceptable & manageable levels although he may just have a break down if we don't get some play time in soon, lol.

We all got together on NYE, along with a few other people, at Possibility's house. It could have gone better, for sure. There were a few things actually, which could have gone a lot better.

I've got to learn to talk to his wife directly rather than waiting on him to get an answer or reply to a request (his request no less). It seems he gave his wife minimal notice that there would be a bunch of people there. I reminded him numerous times to talk to her, let her know, but I think it was only the day before that he let her know (might have been earlier in the day, not sure). He has started up a FB group for just the five of us so we can keep in contact. Unfortunately it seems I'm the only one who uses it to communicate with the others *sigh*. I posted there today to see if/when we can have another family get together. I'm waiting on that to see if anyone else replies. His wife now knows that's what I'm using it for so hopefully at least she'll reply.

Yes, I know their phone number & am going to have to suck it up and actually use the phone I guess. I HATE talking on the phone. It's an aversion I've had for many years. I don't know why. I don't even like to talk on the phone to Breathes. I guess I prefer the written word or face to face over the phone.

We will figure this out. I suspect it will be me that figures out how to and takes the steps to start rectifying this short coming but that's ok. To put it in perspective we're dealing with ADHD in at least one of them, partial deafness, dyslexia and a mild learning disability in one and all three of them prefer alone time most of the time over cuddle time together. I'm definitely learning about how to deal with different aspects of their personalities. Hopefully I'll be able to carry over what I'm learning into other areas of my life.

[SNeacail]

I learned along time ago, that if your making plans that involve the family, you speak directly with the wife. The running joke within my extended family is that if you didn't talk directly with the female, then there is no plan.

[Breathesgirl]

I learned along time ago, that if your making plans that involve the family, you speak directly with the wife. The running joke within my extended family is that if you didn't talk directly with the female, then there is no plan.

I like this & think I may just have to adopt it for us, lol. I think Breathes already has & I haven't twigged to it until now. He tells everyone to talk to me for any plans since I'm the keeper of the chaos (read calendar)!

[Breathesgirl]

*rant*

How can you tell it's night time & the mods all live in North America so are asleep?????

You sign on to a FULL page of spam!

Any way, needed to vent my frustration about that, lol.

Yes, I realize mods need sleep. This isn't about that. It's about the spammers out there who, for some warped reason, think I (any of us really) want yet another dating site, drugs, porn, pay for visiting sites, etc.

Some of us are very happy with the way our lives are, we don't need to make those kind of changes.

*sigh*

*/rant*

[Breathesgirl]

There's a conversation going on in one of the other threads about commitment to a plan. Plan of action, plan of what to have for supper, what movie to see, when to get together......

That's the one MAJOR thing that drives me bonkers about Possibility and his family! I try to make plans for things like get togethers so we're not doing things on the fly and unprepared. I know that I'm dealing with learning disabilities, ADD & ADHD with his family but when they can't answer a simple message on face book? I can't depend on him to pass on the message since his short term memory is nearly non-existent. I try to communicate with the wife, whom I do like, but she only says something when she knows he's having a bad day & needs a friend to vent to *sigh*.

I've been trying to get an idea of when we can have another family get together. We've got a stat holiday coming up on 21 February which seems like the perfect time to do it since I'll have the time to do some preparation, cooking, planning, etc. & all but Breathes will have the day off. My attempts at communication are falling on deaf ears/blind eyes :('. I'll send a message with Breathes tomorrow night, if there's still no response I'll just write it off.

Possibility has been uncentered & out of focus for the last little while. We haven't been able to get much alone time together due to my teens over the holidays and Breathes staying home from his second job two weeks running. We FINALLY got some time on Tuesday night. He got the caning, and catharsis, he's been needing so badly. In his post Wednesday he said he felt ALIVE again! His thought processes, energy, creativity were all back up where they should be. I'm so glad! I don't know how to deal with him when he's slumping. It's a learning process and I'm definitely learning, lol.

We just need to figure out a way to give him that endorphin rush on a lower level. He needs something slow releasing and long term to help keep himself focused on what he needs to focus on. He IS on Adderal which does help, just not to the extent I need it to, lol. As if it's all about me.....He wants to find a way to keep himself on a more even keel as well so we'll just keep searching. Eventually we'll find something that works to the satisfaction of all involved.

Breathes is just as attentive and loving as always although he's needing some alone time badly so I'm thinking I'll do something Sunday so he can do whatever it is he does (probably sleep) to re-center and come out of his own rut.

I think today's coffee meet with new people helped. It was supposed to be for ME to make new friends, unfortunately they're RPG geeks so I ended up sitting there totally out of my element & bored nearly to tears because I SO am not a gamer. Why is it that when I meet new people they're the people who most fit with Breathes?

I'm a geek in my own right but about totally different things. Talk to me about books, my forums, trivia, I'm all ears & can follow along with the conversation. Start talking gaming & my eyes glaze over & I lose all concentration and interest in what's going on around me. I just want to escape into the stratosphere so I can hopefully meet people that I have something in common with *sigh*.

At least these people actually showed for the date AND communicated with me when I asked if it was still on.

I've set up two dates, with the same person, over the last six weeks & she didn't show for either one. She emailed me about getting together & I let her know which nights I wasn't available. Which night did she choose? One of the two I can't. I'm sorry but my kids come first & Wednesday night is OUR night together to catch up with each other, get home work help, talk, spend time together. This was two weeks ago. She still hasn't come back to me with another time.

Several months ago I was supposed to get together with a couple from this forum, at least I assume their still members. We had a date, time and place set but one of them got sick. These things happen so we emailed back and forth and had a location but no date & time. I haven't heard back from them so that didn't happen either.

My track record with meet & greets rather sucks, lol.

I'll keep plugging away but it really would be nice if once, just once, I could meet someone who's reliable AND has something in common with me AND will include me in the conversation if Breathes is along.

Maybe next time I should just make it a one on one date. While I do do one on one first dates I'm much more comfortable having someone else along. My first impressions, especially over something as unreliable & hard to gauge as the written word, aren't always any where near the actuality.

[LovingRadiance]

Every single person in our family is ADD except for Mimi. If we didn't schedule, plan and use a calendar-we'd never get anything done.

[Breathesgirl]

Every single person in our family is ADD except for Mimi. If we didn't schedule, plan and use a calendar-we'd never get anything done.

YES! I've been using Google calendar forever! Breathes can't be bothered as he just tells people to contact the keeper of the chaos--me, lol.

I'm trying, rather unsuccessfully, to get Possibility's family using one for something other than doctor appointments I know his memory sucks, as do his priorities! His partners can't respond to an email, grrrrrrrrrr. Apparently our get together isn't going to happen either :(. Some how I think it's because of lack of communication, memory failure and NO FREAKING CALENDAR!

I was chatting with Possibility on my way home from work yesterday (I AM going to drown my phone btw!) and apparently his male partner got his nose bent out of joint because he was here Monday for a couple of hours in the morning. I had the day off & asked if he would like to get together. Apparently he asked male partner if he minded being alone with the kids for a couple of hours & was told that was fine.

Possibility was going to come here any way because he doesn't want to give in to partner's being a 'whiny bitch'. I nixed that, told him primary relationships ALWAYS come first, to go home & see what was really going on (I used other wording, lol. "See who shit in his cornflakes" is a phrase that comes to mind)

It was a long, painful conversation but needed to happen. I feel he's taking his partners for granted, they do too judging by some of what I"ve been getting via chat. I finally ended up telling him that he needs to have a date night with EACH of his partners, not just me. He's not accepting all the blame, I'm not sure that he should. He told me it's not JUST him, they're not doing anything about it either. Money's tight for them but, he doesn't know it yet, I bought him a Cineplex/Odeon gift certificate for his birthday. I'm hoping he'll use it to take one, or both, of them for a date!

They each have their own computers in different rooms so rarely, other than meal times, spend time in the same room together.

I have half jokingly told him that he spends more quality time with me, for a couple of hours a week, than he does with them and he LIVES with them!

I offered, again (they never took me up on this last time) to babysit so they could all go out together! It sounds like he's got something in the works now *crossing fingers* because he asked me if I could babysit on the 20th.

I was a little surprised as that is the date we've asked for a 'family' get together. I tried to clarify but my phone died! grrrrrrrrrrrrr by the time I got to my computer, about ten minutes later, he was already off on another tangent *sigh*. I did email him and tell him the restrictions for that day though--it's a work night and, since I depend on transit, I would either need a ride home or have to be out of there by 5:30 so I can get home.

Off to work. IT seems I've got another rant building up so I might be able to get to it tonight or in the morning.

[Breathesgirl]

OK, so not quite as soon as I'd hoped......

After I finished texting with Possibility I got to thinking (dangerous, I know ;) ). Male partner left this morning and will be gone for a few days so he was most certainly not happy about having to leave. Apparently he apologized to Possibility when he got home that night. I guess he had realized just how he really sounded? (MP will be the male partner as it's too confusing to keep typing he, not to mention redundant) .

I know money's tight for them so they are going to have to use their imaginations to find/do things which are inexpensive or free! They are most definitely not the athletic/sporty types so sledding/tobogganing are definitely OUT of the question, lol.

I finally, FINALLY, managed to get my point across about a family get together for the 20th so Possibility changed the babysitting date to the 27th. For some reason it took me getting totally upset to get it into Possibility's brain what I was really asking! grrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm thinking that this time, when we're all together on the 20th, we'll set a tentative date for the next time. Our next holiday is Easter so maybe that weekend.

Yes, we most definitely need to work on our communication skills! I've gotten so used to how Breathes & I communicate that I'm having to learn new communication skills in order to get my point across to those who don't 'talk' in the same way that we do. It's tough though as most of the communication between Possibility & myself is done via IM/text. You'd think that would make it easier though, wouldn't you? Not so, at least not in this case. His short term memory is random at best. His mind is going a 1000 miles a minute and can rarely stay on one topic for more than a couple of minutes.

My thoughts are generally rather organized so that I know the next step in the process. Learning how to communicate with someone who's thoughts are all random and jumping all over the place is certainly an exercise in patience! In most circumstances I'm fairly patient. It seems I'm learning how to be patient in the face of ?futility? ?randomness? I'm not sure what the word I'm really looking for is. It's something I can't control no matter how much I want to, not matter how frustrated or upset I get with him. There are certain instances where I can slow his thought process & accompanying hyperactivity down to a level where I can cope. (He's submissive so doing certain things to his person will slow those processes to a speed I can handle.)

Hmmmmmmmmmm, for those of you who live with, or date, a person with ADHD how do you cope? What mechanisms have you devised for yourself in order to be able to stay in the same space with them even though their fidgeting gets on your nerves? I've got the constant reminders, especially when it's something new being added to the routine, repeating myself many times (I HATE repeating myself in ordinary circumstances), asking to make sure I've understood him correctly, repeating back the phrase I'm replying to if it isn't the one he has just uttered, tunnel vision on something other than the fidgeting. I do all of this with some degree of success but I'm looking to add more mechanisms for variety and maybe more success or maybe something which works better than what I'm already doing.

Enough for now. I think my brain has finally wound down now, lol.

[Breathesgirl]

Does anyone need more?

We had our get together yesterday!

I didn't think I'd be able to go :(. I had a debilitating headache which just wouldn't let up or quit. It seems it finally ran its course & left the building some time yesterday afternoon :). I heavily medicated myself and went about business as usual knowing that when I get busy I tend to forget about the headache for a while which gives me the break I need from it.

We went, we talked and teased, watched Cutthroat Island, we ate....all that was really asked was that we be gone by 9 as Possibility had something he wanted/needed to do then. We left about 8:30.

Breathes and I each had some alone downtime before coming back together around 10:00 to watch True Blood.

Some cuddle/tickle/play time with Breathes afterward led to some wonderful sex! (Twice in 24 hours! I may faint!)

Woke up headache free! YAY!!!

[Breathesgirl]

Originally by redpepper: It doesn't take long on this forum to find threads where I have struggled with casual sex since then. Do a tag search on the topic and you will see in about two seconds my fight with it... I damaged myself by believing that the sex was just fun and meaningless when really I subconsciously took it very seriously. My body took it seriously.

It was Mono that brought this change about when we first met (my now live in boyfriend). I did the work, and continue to, but he pointed something out to me in myself that I had not known for a long time. This was something that PN (husband) was not aware of and had not noticed or was not telling me... that is that I am worth more to others when I am me first and not a body to fuck.

I gave myself away to men that did not respect me. They used my body as a place to stick their cock and didn't even know the beauty I am inside as a person... they got off and took a bit of my soul every time... until I gave myself away freely and didn't really care that much as long as I got attention and felt falsely beautiful until they orgasmed

I brought this over here because it rings SO true to who I was in my late teens and twenties! I was having sex with just about anyone who would have me. I thought it was because sex was fun. Sex WAS fun, BUT that was only a by-product. The real reason was because I was desperately unhappy with myself, my life, where I was in my life and who I was.

My self esteem was at an all time low (it has since found even lower lows but I'm recovered now). I was married to a man who was mentally ill although I didn't see it at the time. Only time and distance have allowed me to see just HOW ill he really was. He was in jail & I was renting a room. I was fresh out of high school and still friends with some of the people from school.

I pretty much had a revolving door policy :(

It's not a time of my life I like to remember very much :(.

At that time sex, for me, was tied in to how I felt about myself. It didn't matter what others thought as long as I was feeling good *sigh*.

It has been very long, hard road to get where I am today. I proud of myself though. I did the work, still am really, to feel better about myself. I let the inner me shine through because it's who I REALLY am, not that silly girl who felt so bad about herself that she would let others do to it what they wanted as long as it made her feel good.

Time for work.

[Breathesgirl]

Some days I just want to bitch slap someone!

Possibility has had a problem with being depressed for the last several months :(. He would bounce back for a few days and then be right back into the funk again. Yesterday I finally told him it was time to see the doctor about it. I didn't know it at the time but he's got a doc appointment on Monday some time to get started on dealing with this.

I didn't tell him my reasoning behind WHY I thought he needed the help though. I'm getting to the point where HIS depression is affecting my mood, even through chat. I enjoy being there for people but this has gotten beyond the place where just talking about it makes you feel better. It's gotten to the point where he's very nearly physically ill just THINKING about going in to work the next day, he's extremely moody with the moods rarely being happy. In short he's not a very nice person to be around right now.

*sigh* I guess I miss him. I just hope he can get things back on a more even keel sooner rather than later.

Even the D/s has been put on the back burner for now. I enjoy playing with him as much as he enjoys it but with his moods leaning more and more to the dark side it's just not a good idea until he can get this dealt with by a professional. About all we do together now is watch TV and movies :(, not much cuddling, no sex (not that there has ever been a lot any way), very little talking/chatting, hugs and kisses are nearly non-existent *sigh*

Breathes, on the other hand, is just as attentive as ever. He WAS pissed with me the other night (for reason) and it's taking him a few days to get past it so I'm missing him a little bit too :(.

Breathes had coffee with a potential secondary last Saturday but it didn't pan out :(. It took some coaxing from me to even get him to email her but once he did he got excited about meeting her even though he had butterflies.

Last Saturday we volunteered in the dungeon at Sexapalooza! FUN! Lots of different people wandered through, some with a bewildered look wondering just what in the world they were doing in such a deviant place! lol Some were really surprised at what household items could be turned into, lol :D. There was needle play, floggings, rope tying oh my! It was fun & I look forward to the next one!

[SNeacail]

He WAS pissed with me the other night (for reason)

That's the worst. I hate realizing that someone has reason to be upset with me.:eek:

[Breathesgirl]

That's the worst. I hate realizing that someone has reason to be upset with me.:eek:

Agreed *sigh*

He seems to be doing good though. Sex three times this week! WOOT!

Now if our adored friend would just get here so we can go out to eat.....I'm hungry and it's WAY past my supper time!

[Breathesgirl]

Originally posted by LR on her blog at http://lovingradiance.wordpress.com/


He’s not even asking her directly what intimacies she’s shared with Ludwig in his absence! He’s being sneaky and manipulative to get the information. Information that is A) none of his business B) he has specifically requested she not share with him C) is only going to exacerbate his own issues. He’s being dishonest with himself and with Heidi. In doing so, he is being destructive to the cohesiveness of their relationship. His actions are a step down the road that leads to breaking up, because his actions are in direct conflict with the honesty and openness that are absolutely necessary for a healthy, happy, functional relationship! His choice to use covertcy¹ in their relationship to identify details of her other relationship will be the demise of their relationship; likely if it goes that far he will blame her other relationship, but the truth of the matter is that it is his own actions which are destroying the trust and bond of his relationship with Heidi.
This isn’t a POLY issue, this is a personal issue that Leo needs to deal with. This is an issue that would arise even if he were in a monogamous relationship with Heidi because Heidi would still have contact with people outside of her relationship with Leo. Those relationships would still have activities that he wasn’t always a participant in and they would be right back at his insecurity (about not being ENOUGH for her) kicking into high gear and him asking covert questions about her friends in order to assess the depth of her relationship with them. This would STILL be lying, manipulative and underhanded of him. It would still be disrespectful of Heidi. It would still be leading down the road to a break up because it would still be destroying the trust and bond of his relationship with Heidi!
It’s imperative in our relationships that we take time to :
A) Consider what we are REALLY looking for in the relationship. Only if we truly assess (HONESTLY) ,with ourselves, what it is that we are looking for in a relationship can we honestly address how to get that from the relationship.
B) Tell our partner what we want from the relationship. Only if we are honest and forthright in telling our partner what we are looking for in a relationship can they honestly tell us if THEY are going to be able to have a relationship with us that meets our specifications. (Thus, if we say that what we need is cuddle time and they say they are ok with that; we can only expect that they will give us cuddle time. If we tell them we don’t want to know details of their other relationships and they are ok with that; we can only expect that they will not share that information AND that we should not be searching for that information either.)
C) Hold ourselves accountable to behaving in a manner that reinforces what we (and they) agreed to as the terms of the relationship based on A & B. i.e. if we agreed to not discuss intimate activities with other lovers, we are responsible for not trying to glean that information by subterfuge or covertcy¹!
When we succumb to using secrecy, manipulation and lies in order to create our own sense of security, we are systematically destroying the relationships which we claim to trying to secure! This is self-destructive at best. It’s dysfunctional and can be dangerous as well.


Wow, once again you have hit the nail on the head LR :).

This takes me back to my last marriage, the control issues, the insecurities, the putting each other down in order to make ourselves feel better...I saw this stuff at the time but didn't really acknowledge it.

He tried to control me..where I went, when, with whom, who I talked on the phone to, how often I saw my family, what I said to whom & what they said to me......yeah.

I've never really gotten into that here. I don't know what I saw in him way back then but I saw something, something which made me think I could change him. It didn't take me long to see the error in my thinking but it did take me nine years to get out of that marriage :(. A lot of damage was done to my self esteem and other relationships along the way.

We get along better now because we're not together.

It's taken me six years to get where I am. It's been a really long road to self acceptance but it's been really well worth it.

I now feel better about myself than I can ever remember feeling. A lot of my progress has been due to *gasp* polyamory! I've had to do a lot of introspection and work on myself in order to deal with insecurities (still working on it,really) which has led me to be a better me. I'm hoping this road to self improvement will continue.

On a down side: I've got to go back to night shift tomorrow night :(. They've laid off back 15 years :(. Technically the job I last did on nights is not available since they've shut it down for night shift so they, if they want to go by the book, should send me to my next previous posting/job which was on afternoons. Unfortunately the plant manager can't find the paperwork saying I have a post on afternoon's. He's been there less than a year so he doesn't just KNOW this stuff, he has to have proof that what we say is true so it doesn't look like we are just trying to get our own way. I'm not happy about it but there's not much recourse this time. I bought some fish oil pills and melatonin pills yesterday, hoping the melatonin will help me to sleep when my body/mind is saying otherwise, & the fish oil will help counteract the effects the lack of sunlight will have on me.

[Breathesgirl]

Uggggggg, what a month!

I've got a five day weekend so I'm hoping to be able to catch up on all my lost sleep, emails, forums (yeah, i can barely find the mental energy to do the email let alone moderator duties)!

It was supposed to be a three day weekend which I turned into a four day weekend with a vacation day. They are shutting down Monday and Tuesday (I had Monday for vacation) & since I have a couple of vacation days left they let me have Tuesday for vacation time.

Work is slow, no question, but a good deal of that goes back to the powers that be, at work, not doing their jobs right/correctly/at all. They've ignored us when we tell them something is wrong. Ignored CLIENTS when they were told there was a problem with the product....not good. They used to have a very high end quality control, now I wouldn't even qualify it as low end which is really very sad.

As long as the client keeps buying the product the company won't do anything about the complaint. As long as the company isn't losing production time due to a problem they don't do anything about it. Does anyone see a theme here? As long as there are no repercussions for the company they don't give a damn!

Sorry, had to get that out of my system. I'm not very happy with work since a good deal of the joblessness we have could have been PREVENTED by quality control and upper management doing their jobs in the first place!

Breathes and I have been in a rut lately. Just drifting through life, not really talking or doing much of anything else :(. We're trying to get out of it without a lot of success lately.

Possibility....yeah, Possibility. Large time depression lately. He's waiting for the doctor to call him with an appointment for a mental health professional which has really left us kind of in limbo :(. I love him and want to spend time with him but two hours a week is really not giving me that feeling of.......security? being loved? It's a little hard to define but I'm just not happy with the way things are going there.

We sometimes don't even get that two hours a week *sigh*. Trying to find an alternative time to get together is nearly impossible because we both have other commitments and with his depression any possible time is dependant upon his feeling up to it. grrrrrrrrr

I'm revamping my resume and tentatively looking into going back to school to either update my legal secretarial skills or for something totally new. I can't decide what I want to do and since I'm still working I don't feel there is a hurry to make a decision in that vein right now.

[Breathesgirl]

Urggggggg

Breathes is trying to drive me totally bonkers!

Wednesday night he was supposed to talk to former fwb about sex/lack of/testing/platy, etc. I've been hearing, & having, this conversation for MONTHS! The conversation with her hasn't happened YET! He worried himself sick over what her reaction would be to the conversation so ended up not having it *sigh*. He was supposed to tell her that there would be nothing further along those lines any more. Anyone in his life would have to be someone who either liked/wanted to be with both of us or someone I could at least like and get along with.

I love him to death but some days I just want to smack him with the clue-by-four!

Train of thought is all over the pace. This working night shift sucks in so many way!

[Breathesgirl]

Back on days! WOOT!

We just had a very filling all you can eat inner for my sons birthdays! They will be 16 tomorrow! All that food has made me lethargic :(.

Possibility seems to be doing better. A big change in meds and a mental health professional later.....He's wanting to start playing together again but I won't until he can prove this is a long term change, not just a short term thing. He's not happy about that but does understand.

Breathes.....worked way too many hours this past week. That's a good thing AND a bad thing. Good because it gives him a chance to work out his frustrations with his main job which means I don't have to listen to them when I finally get home and the extra money is wonderful. Bad because I don't get to see him very much :(. He got off early Tuesday, had Wednesday off & then gaming was called off Friday night so he got some much needed wind down time, the rest of the days he worked!

Why the heck am I up so early? I'm up early through the week, there's absolutely NO reason to be up this early on the weekend! :(

[Breathesgirl]

I posted this elsewhere on the site and thought I would bring it over here:



The hardest part of escaping is finding that self esteem which the abuser has been beating out of you (whether it's physically, emotionally, mentally, a combination or something else altogether) for what seems like forever and then some! It doesn't take a lot of self esteem to get out but it does take just a little bit. Most of us have to dig under years of baggage and shit to find even a half gram of it to fuel us in the right direction.

What it took for me was an online friend who simply talked to me, helped me acknowledge what I already knew, listened when I was having a hard time. He didn't judge, didn't berate, didn't do anything to coerce me into leaving. The decision was all mine. I just needed a friendly voice and a shoulder to cry on, someone to treat me like a human being rather than a door mat to wipe his feet on when he thought I was worthy of such treatment (which was all the time). We parted ways several years ago but I will ALWAYS be grateful to him for the HUGE part he played in my reemergence into the world of humanity!I think it's about time I talked about my marriage (still married to the moron due more to lack of funds than anything else).

I lived with him for TEN years! Ten years I can't get back, no matter how hard I try. Good things came out of those years but for the most part the bad out weighed the good by a long shot.

He hit me once and ONLY once. The police were called and he still, nearly 15 years later, holds a grudge against me for it. The man (term used loosely as the only thing defining him as a man is that thing between his legs) never, NEVER forgives a wrong whether it's actually been perpetrated or was imagined--on purpose or accidentally.

He can't forgive the fact I was sexually abused as a child. He can't forgive the fact the police were called for domestic violence so he now has a criminal record. He can't forgive the fact that I finally came into my own and left him!

I was in such bad mental/emotional shape that I left the kids with him! They had a roof over their heads, their daily schedule stayed basically the same, they stayed in the same school and kept the same friends. They are 16 now and are doing fine. They know how to deal with their dad and have an escape if things get to the point where they can't deal with it.

He never had a kind word for me, only four times ever told me he loved me, did everything in his power to strip what self esteem and self love I had for myself from me so that I would forever be in his grasp to do with as he pleased. All my friends, the few I had, fell by the wayside because they could see what I couldn't acknowledge to that point.

Mental abuse is harder to get over. There are still things I need to work through, probably always will be but I am so much healthier now than I ever was while I was with him!

I joke that I lost 300 pounds when I left him but it isn't really a joke. My self esteem slowly started coming back, I started getting healthier, my headaches became a once a month thing rather than a daily ordeal. I became happier soon after I left and got over the shock

I love myself again, I've lost a little bit of weight (my own, not his), my kids are here as often as they're there. I will always be a work in progress but that's okay. As long as I'm always working toward a better met I'll be ok.

[Breathesgirl]

:p;)

We went to the fall fair with some new friends last night and had a really good time. At least I did until I started feeling the effects of riding carnival rides and being stupid enough to NOT wear shoes with orthotics when I KNOW I'm going to be doing a ton of walking!

The new friends are from Israel and have recently moved here to work for Google. Last night was a time of firsts, lol. I think it was their first fair and she had her first bite of fudge :). Lots of money spent, lots of walking and talking and some went on lots of rides.

i went on TWO rides, the ferris wheel and something else, and now have mild whiplash :(. I want a NEW BODY! I love, LOVE carnival rides but my body won't let me ride them any more *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*. Scrambler, roller coasters, drop zone, you name it and I would ride it. No more :(. My back and neck just can't handle it any more :(.

Kids up and distracting me. Hopefully more later.

[Breathesgirl]

Rambling, random thoughts. Trying to figure things out.

This lack of communication with Possibility is driving me absolutely and totally bonkers!

I've been feeling kind of emotionally numb and uncentered for a couple of weeks and I don't know why.:(

I've tried and tried to get his whole family involved in things, they enjoy themselves when my efforts are successful, we all do. For a while I would email/FB them a couple of weeks before a holiday weekend, wanting to know if they wanted to do anything together as a family. Never, not once, did I get a reply other than through the grapevine or if I physically went over there and talked to them face to face. I finally gave up trying to get us all together for anything planned. I don't deal well with frustration so I just decided that the frustration level wasn't worth it for me :(.

They haven't even noticed! Two or three holidays have gone by since I stopped trying, another one is about to go by, and NO ONE has even mentioned getting together! :cry

I don't get over there very often. The only time I have to do so is after work and it takes me 90 minutes to get there from work. By the time I get there I have about a half hour before I have to catch my bus home so I can eat supper and spend time with Breathes and my son before I head off to bed (possibly help son with his homework as well). I'm welcome there on gaming nights as well but I end up bored nearly to tears so, once again, it isn't worth it.

Possibility's communication sucks and I'm finding myself falling into that trap as well. I see the trap of non-communication, I know what it means for me, what can I do to avoid it?

I know I have to talk to him about it, let him know what this does for me but I'm scared to for some reason.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGG! Apparently my own family doesn't know how to communicate either! Brother just texted me asking me to text him if his step son needs anything/has any problems! 1. I didn't know he was even OUT OF TOWN until an hour ago! 2. I have no vehicle so can't get there quickly if I am needed. 3. Step son is 16! Never been on his own for more than a few hours before! They will be gone four or five days! isn't that too young to be on your own for nearly a whole week???!!!!

Blah, lost my train of thought, random or not.

[Breathesgirl]

First: Last weekend I learned that Possibility's male primary is not the most sexually vigilant partner, or metamour, I've ever encountered. If there's no possibility of pregnancy he will go bareback because he can't maintain an erection with a condom. This has caused me to have some mild concern for my own health, the health of any current partners, and any future partners. It's only a 'mild' concern because it has been more than six months, closer to a year, since Possibility and I did anything of a sexual nature.

Second: I've come to the conclusion (don't know WHY it took me so long to acknowledge this) that I MUST have working communication with all partners, and preferably with metamours as well. There can be mind blowing sex but without communication it just isn't worth it for me.

If communication with Possibility doesn't pick up and become what it needs to be the odds are greatly increased that we will revert to cuddle buddies and movie friends, nothing more. Actually, that's not a 100% true statement. I've decided already that I am ok being cuddle buddies and movie friends and would like it if things stayed at that level.

I was on the brink of sorting through this stuff when I was hit by the brick of knowledge last weekend which sent me into shock which required me to keep quiet and sort through things before I said or did something really stupid. The worst part is, now that I can look back on the conversation, that he said he didn't know if he should tell me or not! Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah, you should have told me this a fuck of a lot sooner!

I haven't had a chance to sit down with him and discuss things yet. I was supposed to see him on Tuesday but he had a family emergency which looks like it will be ongoing for at least the next couple of months :(. I just sent an email asking if there's some time soon when we can get together without the kids so we can talk.

Through this experience I have learned that while I do know how to, and can, communicate effectively, if I have a partner who can't I tend to fall into the trap of non-communication. A trap that has no exit, no bottom. It keeps going and going until I either get fed up and put an end to the relationship or I keep falling further and further into the trap.

I haven't discussed the full extent of things with Breathes yet. He knows what's going on and trusts my judgment enough to know that I will talk to him about these things before they blow up in a spectacular way. That talk will happen later today *sigh*.

Things will work out eventually.

[Breathesgirl]

Talk didn't happen :(. Apparently he's too busy to give me an hour to go for coffee and talk but NOT too busy to have friends over tonight, friends who, if he would ask, would gladly watch ankle biters for an hour! I guess I'm personna non grata these days :( He knows I want/need to talk, that he's not going to like what I have to say so he's avoiding the talk for all he's worth!

I can't even get a simple yes or no answer to an email I sent him yesterday! No, I'm not happy. Unfortunately there's not much I can do about it without making a scene. Yeah, bitch mode is ONNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be OK in the morning. Tired, frustrated, disappointed, discouraged and wanting to bitchslap somebody! NOT a good combination!

Off to do the grocery list.

[Breathesgirl]

Helluva two weeks! Glad they're over and done with!

After two weeks of being put off, feeling like I was the last thing on his mind (good reason for this but I won't go into it since it isn't my story to tell) and general bitchiness on my part....

At Breathes' suggestion and urging we went to Possibility's after work Friday so I could say what I needed to say and so Breathes could watch the kids while said talk happened. Turns out his wife was home? Still upset over that one as he KNEW I just wanted an hour where his wife was home so we could go out for coffee and talk.

It turns out that his communication is even suckier than I thought *sigh* and have complained about. His male primary does NOT have unprotected sex with anyone other than the core group, whew! The way he phrased it when he told me said totally other wise. To say I'm relieved would be an understatement!

We've decided to cut things back to friends right now so he can deal with the bad things in his life without feeling like he's ignoring me. We'll re-evaluate things when the badness is done with to see where things stand.