Jealousy as a social construct

[polyFM]

This question has hosted a wrestling match between me and my mind for some time now.

When I first ventured into polyamory (without knowing that there was a word for it), I felt pangs of emotional discomfort whenever one of my partners spent time with another guy, sexually or otherwise. Over time, those pangs sizzled up. I grew more confident that we're all unique and that interests ebb and flow.

So that got me thinking: This confidence... I feel like I was born with that confidence, with the understanding. Not that I had to develop it. I was developed out of it.

My wavering conclusion is that in our purest of forms, jealousy (edit: in the context of intimate relationships) is non-existent. There is no shortage of love or resources because 'possession' isn't a part of our natural lexicon.

What do you think?

[MonoVCPHG]

Jealousy is observed in infants 6 months old. It's not a social construct in it's basic form. Social conditioning can shape the manifestation and expected reactions to it, but it exists as a documented emotional response.

http://www.depts.ttu.edu/communications/news/stories/06-03-infant-jealousy.php

[nycindie]

Jealousy is observed in infants 6 months old. It's not a social construct in it's basic form. Social conditioning can shape the manifestation and expected reactions to it, but it exists as a documented emotional response.

http://www.depts.ttu.edu/communications/news/stories/06-03-infant-jealousy.php

Competing for a mother's milk isn't exactly the same as being jealous. That sounds like a little projection there. Besides, even infants imitate what they observe around them at a very early age. Studies have shown that infants begin imitating facial movements of those around them as early as one hour after birth. They develop the same facial expressions of the people they see all the time; when a baby learns to walk, they adopt the gait and armswing of the parents they see most often; and when they begin to vocalize, they imitate the tone and cadence of their caregivers. Jealousy is quite possibly something else that is observed and imitated. By the time a kid is about seven years old, the cake is baked and they have already made choices unconsciously about strategies for living. I learned this when I was studying bodywork and have seen these things firsthand when I used to take care of my friends' babies.

[MonoVCPHG]

That sounds like a little projection there. .

Not sure if you are referring to me projecting or the article? Not here to argue the brain mapping science my friend..there are other references but who needs to beat a dead horse. Just adding my perspective and opinion based on science that I didn't create or project. Even animals exhibit traits of jealousy...it's a survival mechanism to ensure needs get met...obviously not an issue within the poly environment where love is considered infinite, but hey just my addition.

[polyexplorer]

I like some of your thinking polyFM...

By being a part of the greater consciousness of humanity I think we inherit some of humanities dysfunctions, and perhaps one could argue that jealousy is one of those things that we inherit to a degree.

But I also believe that mostly we learn it, even as an infant.

I believe that our very core nature is not a jealous one, and so yes, perhaps the journey into poly is a form of shedding learned and inherited social constructs into something more in line with our true nature...

I just wish there was a pill I could take to help me shed the jealous nature - LOL!

[polyFM]

Cool. Mono - I should clarify - in the context of intimate relationships, I'm beginning to think that jealousy had no place up until recently. That once agriculture kicked in, a shortage of intimacy was introduced, leading to the jealousy that serves as a background noise to so many relationships today.

polyexplorer - You just typed up my own convictions more eloquently than I ever could :p.

[nycindie]

Not sure if you are referring to me projecting or the article?No, not you, Mono, I meant that I think the scientists who saw competition and interpreted it as jealousy might have been projecting their own take on what they observed a little bit.

And my feedback was based on other scientific findings. So... we could go round and round.

[MonoVCPHG]

And my feedback was based on other scientific findings. So... we could go round and round.

Let's not NYC, we suck at that:o I'll just leave my comments at that and carry on.

[nycindie]

Let's not NYC, we suck at that:o I'll just leave my comments at that and carry on.

Let's go round and round on the dance floor instead.

[MonoVCPHG]

Let's go round and round on the dance floor instead.

I like your attitude! I often wonder how people could relate in person..I bet we'd make great dance partners...once I had a few drinks...not that I dance better - I just think I can ;)

[AnnabelMore]

I think that we make a mistake any time we look at our own experiences and try to generalize out to humanity. One person could say "I can't get over my jealousy no matter what I try, so jealousy is innate and happy polys are just fooling themselves." Another person could say "I got over my jealousy with a little trying, so jealousy is just a construct and monos just aren't trying hard enough." [note that I'm not saying you're saying that exactly, OP, but some people do take it that far]

Both would be wrong, I think, because they're assuming that their experience can act as a stand in for that of the human race. Certainly we can learn lessons from our own lives that can help some others, maybe even many others, but rarely if ever ALL others. In this case, for example, I would say from my reading and observations that jealousy is real and natural maybe impossible to let go of for some, non-existent or easy to let go of for others, and most are in the middle of those two extremes... they feel it as a real thing that does exist but can let out go with some time and work.

[neegoola]

Competing for a mother's milk isn't exactly the same as being jealous.

Jealousy is quite possibly something else that is observed and imitated.
i agree here: when my she-baby was 2months old, she caught me while stupidly saying to my son who was 3 "hey, let her do that, she's so young": the little GIRL looked at me -not in the way you expect new-born babies doing- and considered that concept very carefully. it took me one year to demolish this "concept" while my son became very jealous.

paradoxally, when their father married another woman (no, no poly-form, we split) and the couple received their first kid, my daughter realized she was no more the youngest -ot at least not so young- and completely left that attitude.
but for my son: he had Bach Flower Holly for a very long periodical time (read: everytime his father received his 3 new-born ones) and it seems to me he healed this.

[SourGirl]

Recipe for Jealousy :

1 part nature,
1 part nurture.
Combine in a bowl, mixing at slow speed. Bake at 350 until a firm crust is visible on the outside.

Very simple recipe.


I tend to stay away from theories that involve lop-sided view points, or unexperienced parenthood. Surprise, people are complex. It takes most people a lot of self-work to get to a place where life feels simple and enjoyable.