Lost and need help.

[Red0824]

I feel so conflicted and lost. My husband and I have been struggling with poly for 6 years. Or rather, I have been struggling and making him miserable in the process. I am mono, ive tried to deny that and say I'm poly because I thought it would make it easier to deal. But it doesn't work and here I am. sad and making things worse for him. He is in a new relationship, the girl is nice, we've met and hung out and I like her. But with every girl, I freak out on, I feel like if I don't insert some dominance that I have no control over the situation. I feel the need to say, he is mine don't try and take him for yourself. And of course, everytime I do that, each girl gets scared. When hubby and I are together we are happy, unless the new girl is brought up and always by me. We are expecting our first child any day now and throughout the pregnancy we have dealt with his new relationships rather rockily. I cant blame the hormones entirely, but the last 2 months have been the worst. Accepting that I am not poly, that he is and I am mono, how do we make this work? I know it can, ive read about it. How do mono people become happy in a poly realtionship? We've talked about splitting up, but neither of us want that. We love each other too much and still have so much to grow on, but I don't know how to get over the feelings I have about him being poly. I know this is who he is, but it hurts. And I cant stop projecting these hurt feelings onto him. At this point its either leave or deal. I'm choosing to accept him as he is and love him for it. Any thoughts on how to do this without making him feel shitty about all of this? Again, I know being poly and mono work for some people, I think it can work for us, I just don't know how to begin that process. :(

[Pretzels]

I'm pretty new to all this, so I may be completely off base here, but I think you should table any poly activity, especially at an already delicate time in your relationship (new, small, needy human being coming onto the scene), and focus on getting your relationship with your husband on stable ground.

Again, might be way off base, but it seems like he should have you as his primary concern at the moment.

[nycindie]

It isn't uncommon to take a break from poly relationships when a new baby is born. You two will be very busy and exhausted dealing with a newborn, so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to shift his focus on your marriage and parenting for a while.

[Magdlyn]

Ach, 6 years is a long long long-ass time to not have come to terms with your husband's poly nature. I'm sure it hurts him that you constantly sabotage his relationships with your possessiveness.

You don't seem able to wrap your mind around the idea that him being with others does not take away from his relationship with you. Ideally, his others should add to, augment, the love and fun you have with him.

Unless the other girl is truly a cowgirl and really does want to steal him away... that happens. But if you meet her and see she is on board with sharing him, respecting you, it shouldn't be an issue.

The main stickler is how he handles his NRE with new people. If he neglects you during that phase, doesnt make you feel special, dates them but not you, takes too many phonecalls and texts during your couple time, then it's on you to speak up about this, and on him to be more loving and sensitive to your needs for romance and fun too!

All that being said, now you're about to give birth, and I agree with the previous posters. Is you h cognizant of how much work he will need to put into the baby/toddler? Many poly people take a break for a good 3 years or so from dating others after a new child comes along, unless there is a longterm established secondary who is really into helping with the baby/housework/cooking/shopping as well.

One of the cool things about newborns is the overwhelming NRE one gets for them. That NRE could supplant the NRE your h has for his gf for a while, I bet! ;)

[Red0824]

Yes, 6 years is a ridiculously long time to not have adjusted to poly. During that time I think I was in denial, hoping that it would go away. And ive hurt him so many times by sabatoging those few relationships with my possiveness. He is fed up with it,and is at the point of just doing what he is going to do with them and have me deal with what ever feelings I get from it on my own. It sounds harsh, but I don't really blame him. He does give me the love and attention I need when he is here. Except the constant texting, but with most of his time going to me, oh I forgot to mention, on top of the baby, he got a new job which takes up 50-60 hours of his time during the week. How else are they supposed to get to know each other? The last girl couldn't do this because she was concerned of the time he wouldn't have once baby is here. So that one wasn't me for once Lol. Thanly. This one, he is afraid of the same thing happening, so it feels like he is scrámbling to make time for her while he can. They went to the movies last night. And he is spending the first full night away tonight with her. She is 20, with not much money and no id to go out so he goes there to hang out and drink, he usually stays till he is sober anyway, but this time he wants to be there when she wakes up, and he wont make a time commitment to when he is coming home tomorrow. I flipped. was that an over reaction? And asking him to hold off on poly when baby is here wont fly. This isnt the first time ive gotten that advice ,but when i mention it he thinks he can juggle all of this as long as I stop freaking out at the smallest things. And start being his supportive partner. Do I just let him try it and see what happens? In the meantime, I'm 41 weeks, frustrated that this baby wont come out, and I'm projecting everything onto him. How do I stop this?

[Red0824]

I forgot to mention, as I was reading over the replies, this relationship is very new, they just made their dating official, and neither of us know what its like to raise a baby, we are 24 and 25, she is willing to handle the time commitment one has when a baby is here, their both on board, it seems like I'm the one making a big deal out of it. But the thought of raising a child is so over whelming, I'm afraid that the NRE that comes from a newborn wont show because he will be too worried about keeping her happy. The thing is, ive screwed him so much in the 6 years of poly. We both want to get past this, and I want to be happy with the way life is now.

[Allstar]

The best I can do is offer my mono opinion. I struggle with the idea of poly at first, and I still have some reserve for it. Really at this point the only thing I am worried about is time management which seems to be one of the issues that is weighing on your mind. Yes you are mono, 6 years hasn't changed you nothing probably will. Have you tried dating someone else? I feel I learn more about things when I do them myself. I will be taking my own advice on this when I get home from deployment. You might want to talk about some boundaries to be set. Ok we have a new baby lets take a few months and get into a pattern (as much as possible). How many nights a week/month does he want to take this other woman out? Is he on the other side of it doing the same for you. Soon yes you will need a babysitter. I feel as being the mono partner sometimes places the pressure on you to change/adapt/compromise. This isn't true. You have to meet on a middle ground somewhere. If he wants eight nights a month with her, tell him you can do four and see where it goes from there. If he is unwilling to try and give you four nights out without the baby maybe it is time to start thinking about saving yourself and leaving him. What I am saying is, he has to put the same, if not more, effort into your relationship as well. Otherwise it isn't fair.

[SourGirl]

I`m continually blown away, by the amount of people who want to start poly relationships, while a major life change is underway. Poly takes everything you have, and then some. Trying to give any poly relationship the chance it deserves while working 60 hour weeks, and having a new baby, just doesn`t make sense. Sounds more like escapism to me.

Whatever else you have going on, that has you freaking out,..I don`t think that is abnormal. In fact, most mono partners freak out. How you HANDLE the feelings is the important part.

So instead of chastising yourself, and making the same mistake over and over again, how about you allow yourself to the feelings, but learn to channel it in a respectful manner ? Learn to just say .." I am scared." and go from there.

So the advice is to stop hating yourself for feelings, but change your reaction. Don`t make 'split-up' decisions while you are under a stressful, new time in your relationship. (pregnancy and new family member coming to the world.) Also, he could pay attention to you and the baby, and leave his dating on a doorstep for awhile.

Good Luck.

[ThatGirlInGray]

I'm going to try make this reply less harsh, but I'm having a really difficult time so I'll apologize in advance.

I'm the poly person in my marriage; my husband is mono. We have two kids (5 years and 1 year), my husband has a 50-hour a week job and no other time commitments outside our house at the moment. I am unemployed and in an LDR that re-started last August.

If he won't listen to you, then your husband needs to talk to other poly parents: having a baby makes it nearly impossible to have ANY time available for other relationships. Having a kid is HARD. He needs to man up and commit to you and the child he helped create. Whatever he thinks he'll be able to handle or manage, he's wrong. He doesn't have a clue, and he can't really until it happens, but he needs to approach the birth of his child with an attitude of, "I'll do whatever it takes for my child and my partner, and THEN, if it's manageable, I'll look at other relationships." If you and he reach that point before your child is a year old, congratulations. I reached that point faster after my second child (9 months) but there's generally a LOT more to get accustomed to when it's your first time around.

You're 41 weeks pregnant, fer chrissake! EVERYTHING in his world right now should be about how you and the baby are doing and what he can do to make these last (interminable) weeks as comfortable as possible for you.

Sorry, I don't know him, and I don't know you, but I have a VERY short fuse when I perceive a situation where the man (or non-pregnant partner) isn't doing whatever he can to lessen the burden on his pregnant partner. They can't help with all the physical changes, pain, hormones, etc, so they better be doing anything they can in the other departments!!

[Red0824]

Wow, the advice and insight you all have given me is over whelming! And I have to say, I thought when I posted I would be getting slammed with things like, "you're in this relationship, do everything you can to make him feel good." And deal with the pain while he does his thing. All of the things I'm hearing from you all is what ive been thinking. And expressing for that matter, maybe not so rationally and eloquently, but they were expressed. Sourgirl, you're right about handeling my feelings differently. I'm a very stubborn person and I'm a knee jerk, emotional person, I tend to let my mind roam free, and my opinions with it. I need to learn to control my reactions and own to my feelings. Its harder to do when you have no practice :). And I will put my best foot forward to improving that part of myself. As for hubby, even if I were to ask him to take a break from poly, again, for a couple of months for baby and relationship adjustment, how is that supposed to work with his girlfriend? They've already started to become close, and I feel like it would be unfair to her to ask her to wait on the side lines while we figure things out. I think of how I would feel, and I don't think I would wait. Only because of the baby. The girlfriend told him last night, she could handle the time restraint it would have on them once the baby is born as long as I am cool with their relationship. Which I am to a certain point, but that's how it always goes. There is always a hump that I have trouble getting over with each girl. This one, I feel like I'm in the right, asking him to be home every night, at least until the baby is born. I tell him I feel vulnerable in this stage, if she comes tonight, I would have to wait till he answers and gets home, or drive myself there. However, this child is so cozy, the chance of that happening is like 50 50 Lol. But like I said, he is struggling to make both parties happy, this is the second girl we have been through during this pregnancy, the other made the choice herself. This one seems to think she can be ok as long as I am. So, does it still sound like I should ask him to hold off, or should I suck it up and trust him that he knows what he is doing? Thatgirlingray, how long did it take for your husband to be ok with you being poly? Is it still a struggle for him at times? Or have you two reached a wonderful medium?

[redpepper]

It sounds like he is filling a gap with other women to me. Maybe because he was denied his true identity for so long? Maybe he didn't really want a kid ands sees it as your thing? I dunno. Something is up there.

I agree, poly has no place when babies are due if people are new to it. Time to buckle down and figure out how to be a dad, not someone's bf. I think he's in denial.

When I had my boy, almost 9 years ago we took a break for three years. Then we started in again slowly. When I got pregnant ot was a time where neither of us had other partners. We thought it was a good time to have kids.

[nycindie]

This one, I feel like I'm in the right, asking him to be home every night, at least until the baby is born. I tell him I feel vulnerable in this stage, if she comes tonight, I would have to wait till he answers and gets home, or drive myself there. However, this child is so cozy, the chance of that happening is like 50 50 Lol. But like I said, he is struggling to make both parties happy, this is the second girl we have been through during this pregnancy, the other made the choice herself. This one seems to think she can be ok as long as I am.
I would ask him to take a break for longer than that - at least for the child's first year. You will need him after the baby is born. Haven't you ever known anyone who had a baby? Many couples invite a relative to stay with them for a while because it is so much work, even when two parents share it all. I would be worrying more about how he will share in the parenting than how his gf can handle it. You are bringing a new little life into the world - he needs to participate! Has he taken any parenting courses or workshops or done any kind of preparation? Someone needs to drive home for him how time- and energy-consuming a responsibility it is to have a baby and raise a child. Not to mention sleep deprivation.

If she cares for him, she'll wait. Is he so obsessed with "being poly" and developing additional relationships that he ignores the relationship he already has with you? Maybe if he were more considerate and included you more, romanced you and took you on hot dates as much as he takes anyone else, you wouldn't have such a hard time with his dating and would be more accepting of it. Maybe you can invite him to join here and read this thread, and get some feedback for himself.

[ThatGirlInGray]

Thatgirlingray, how long did it take for your husband to be ok with you being poly? Is it still a struggle for him at times? Or have you two reached a wonderful medium?

Unfortunately my experience with this isn't going to be helpful, I don't think. We started our relationship with agreements about flirting and dancing with other people (we were in college, so frat parties and going out clubbing were the extent of our social lives after school and work anyway), and over the years (14!) as our relationship has grown and strengthened and new situations have occurred with different people we've handled them one by one and decided what we each wanted and were comfortable with. Gradually we reached a point about 8 years ago where my emotional connection to someone became significant and that was sort of the start of recognizing that I was poly. He's mono, but definitely poly-supportive. So we never really had a big or dramatic "opening up" of our relationship. We got there together, even though the concept doesn't apply to us both the same way.

Not everyone feels the same way as I do, but to me, by marrying my husband and agreeing to have children with him, my commitment is to him and our kids first, and then to others as possible. This doesn't mean I treat TGIB disrespectfully or as disposable, nor does MC expect to ALWAYS be my top priority, but it does mean that part of the way I show my love and respect to MC (and my appreciation for how much he works at our relationship too!) is by sticking as closely as possible to what he's comfortable with. Anyone I have a relationship with has to respect MC and my relationship with him as much as they respect me, so anyone who has tried to push me beyond those boundaries has gotten a swift send-off.

Maybe, instead of her "waiting" for him, they can "take a break"? She'll know he at least plans to pick back up with her again, but he won't have to worry about how she's doing (beyond average friendship) in the upcoming months, so he'll be less distracted and more able to focus on you and the baby.

ETA: I don't know if I can articulate the difference in my mind between "waiting" and "taking a break", but there's less...expectation, maybe? "Waiting", to me, is for a predetermined length of time, which I don't think is a good idea. "Taking a break" is less structured, more of a general "until this is workable and reasonable again".

[Red0824]

Hmmm, you're right, if she really likes him, then she wouldn't mind taking a break for a while, but to ask her to do that still seems wrong to me. Not to mention, he doesn't want to do that. I'm wondering if once we have the baby, he will realize the things he needs to focus on the most. This baby, by the way was not planned. We love her and have gotten over the freak out of being parents, but neither of us wanted a baby for a while. I can see where panic set in for him. We were finally in a place where we could be ourselves, we planned to socialize more, I even thought about opening myself up to other possibilities, then we found out we were pregnant. I had no opportunity to explore after that. And he has, for obvious reasons. He just went for it,as if nothing had changed. So denial, you may have come across something there, the fact that I held him back from it for 6 years, he finally gets to explore himself in his fullest capacity and then bam! Baby. Yea, major frustration on his part. I would love for him to read this thread and the whole site. Ill mention it. And thank you anyway thatgirlingrey, I'm glad you two where able to enter into poly without any big emotional blow outs. I envy you two, that's something special :).

[SNeacail]

This one, I feel like I'm in the right, asking him to be home every night, at least until the baby is born. I tell him I feel vulnerable in this stage, if she comes tonight, I would have to wait till he answers and gets home, or drive myself there. However, this child is so cozy, the chance of that happening is like 50 50 Lol.

You guys should be going out together as much as possible until this baby decides to get with the program and make an appearance. Sitting at home waiting, especially after the 40th week, is just stressful. Maybe you can offer a compromise: He takes you out 3 days, is at home ? days and will see her ? days, BUT he will ALWAYS be willing and able to answer the phone (or call back immediately), he won't be more than 15 min away and will be home at an agreed upon time.

He definitely needs to talk to other guys that have been through living with a newborn and a postpartum wife and FAST! Your hormones will still be out of whack even after the baby's born for a while, but it gets compounded with sleep deprivation.

[nycindie]

Red, you still sound like you are blaming yourself for... oh, I don't know, real life events? Like, you're the one to blame that he didn't get to "be poly" all these six years, "making him miserable" as you put it, and you're the one to blame when his girlfriends bolted, and now you're the one to blame for getting pregnant and fucking up his plans. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop that this instant.

You are married, he is your partner. If he wanted to act upon his poly desires sooner, he could have - it would have taken negotiation, baby steps, and consideration for your feelings, but you two would have dealt with it. Or he could have left the relationship altogether to go find a poly partner. He made the choice to stay and give you time.

It's not totally your "fault" that he waited and then finally acts out of impatience that has built up. He is pulling a number on you if he encourages you to think that he is miserable because of you.

If the girlfriends really wanted to stick by him no matter what and befriend you to ease your worries, they could have. They made their own choices to leave him. Sure, he can blame you for that, but they left him, not you, and maybe it was easier for them to say it was because of you rather than they just didn't want to continue with him. He could have made the situation more acceptable and workable for you by taking baby steps along the way and making sure you knew he would give you the same love and attention he would give to any of his other relationships.

And of course, it takes two to make a baby, so he can't blame you for that. If you both really didn't want to get pregnant, you BOTH would have made sure it didn't happen.

Where is his sense of responsibility in all this? It's like he decides he wants to run around and have fun but is overlooking the fact that he needs to keep investing in his relationship with you to make it strong enough to support a lifestyle that includes polyamory, while you think everything that doesn't go his way is because you've been difficult. How'd he manage to pull the wool over your eyes like that? Get your self-esteem on, girl. You both need to shake yourselves and wake up.

[ThatGirlInGray]

nycindie, I mostly agree with you about Red needing to not blame herself, but If you both really didn't want to get pregnant, you BOTH would have made sure it didn't happen.

Are you fucking kidding me?? First of all, it's not true. No birth control, even using multiple kinds at once, is 100%. Second of all, you DON'T say that to someone 41 weeks pregnant. You just don't. That's taking your NY bluntness and tactlessness too far.

[nycindie]

nycindie, I mostly agree with you about Red needing to not blame herself, but ... Are you fucking kidding me?? First of all, it's not true. No birth control, even using multiple kinds at once, is 100%. Second of all, you DON'T say that to someone 41 weeks pregnant. You just don't. That's taking your NY bluntness and tactlessness too far.

Hey, I think you are misunderstanding me! Looking at my sentence that you quoted, I see why. I know that no b/c is foolproof (um, hello, I've been around a while). What does 41 weeks got to do with it? I don't mind being called blunt, but tactless? Sheesh, we're all adults, right? Was I supposed to pussyfoot around the pregnant woman? All I meant was that the OP's hubs is responsible, too, and that if they both really didn't want to get pregnant, that I'm sure they BOTH would have made the effort to prevent it (correcting my previous statement of "made sure"). Of course, no non-surgical protection is guaranteed, but that's not the focus of my comment. My main point was that she shouldn't be feeling like she's fucked up his chance to be poly somehow by getting preggers, as if that is all her fault, and he shouldn't be complaining about it. He was there, he played a part, so it's not all on her. She got pregnant -- it happened. They are in this together, and made their choices, but I see lots of self-blaming going on and was mostly responding to this:
he finally gets to explore himself in his fullest capacity and then bam! Baby. Yea, major frustration on his part.Red0824, I'm sorry if I offended and I hope you understand what I was trying to express.

[SourGirl]

Hmmm, you're right, if she really likes him, then she wouldn't mind taking a break for a while, but to ask her to do that still seems wrong to me. Not to mention, he doesn't want to do that. I'm wondering if once we have the baby, he will realize the things he needs to focus on the most. This baby, by the way was not planned. We love her and have gotten over the freak out of being parents, but neither of us wanted a baby for a while. I can see where panic set in for him. We were finally in a place where we could be ourselves, we planned to socialize more, I even thought about opening myself up to other possibilities, then we found out we were pregnant. I had no opportunity to explore after that. And he has, for obvious reasons. He just went for it,as if nothing had changed. So denial, you may have come across something there, the fact that I held him back from it for 6 years, he finally gets to explore himself in his fullest capacity and then bam! Baby. Yea, major frustration on his part. I would love for him to read this thread and the whole site. Ill mention it. And thank you anyway thatgirlingrey, I'm glad you two where able to enter into poly without any big emotional blow outs. I envy you two, that's something special :).

Well, the escapism he is using,... happens. Many 1st time parents have some issues coping and wrapping their brain around it. Some party, others buy a boat, or do other foolish things. In his case, he is Mr.Poly-Pants.
It`s much like cold feet before a wedding. A 'last chance' to do what he wants, how he wants, when he wants.

I think this will boil down to the fact you, can only control you. If I were in your shoes, I would NOT allow myself to be made the scapegoat anymore. Stop taking the blame for things in the past,..just work on your responses for the future.
When talking to him about your worries, It might be beneficial, to NOT make this about poly. You might want to talk about pregnancy and parenthood fears. Read books, watch shows....things that discuss the fears, and worries of parenthood. Programs that focus on soon-to-be parents having problems and panicking.
This way, he can draw his own conclusions about such things. Hopefully, if he has respect for you, himself, or others in his life, he will see he is not the only person to have such problems.
This may not 'end' or even stall his relationship with her,..but at the VERY least, if he has any intention of maning-up, he will get more serious about putting his all, into everyone equally, baby included.

Then you don't have to be the bad guy asking him to come home every night. He will finally accept his responsibility, and think of these things,..at least some of the time. (Things are a work in progress after all. )

For the record, this isn`t about molding him, or making him what you want,..this is about the baby, and setting precedence as parents, for the child's future.

[Pretzels]

What you need right now is a lot of communication, STAT!!!!

Get your husband home, make him bring his lady as well. The three of you need to sit and come up with some sort of peace before the baby drops. You need to put exactly what you need on the table, so does he and so does she.

Then, you need to start negotiating. I've never had a kid, likely never will. However, I've seen a bunch of friends go through the process. Methinks, and this is just me, that you don't want to be the only one getting up in the middle of the night to calm a screaming infant. You are going to need someone there for support. Maybe that's him, alone. And maybe that's her, too.

Good luck. Try not to go insane.

[ThatGirlInGray]

Hey, I think you are misunderstanding me! Looking at my sentence that you quoted, I see why. I know that no b/c is foolproof (um, hello, I've been around a while). Ok, good, I'm glad I misunderstood because I REALLY couldn't believe you said that! What does 41 weeks got to do with it? I don't mind being called blunt, but tactless? Sheesh, we're all adults, right? Was I supposed to pussyfoot around the pregnant woman? To put it bluntly, yes. There's a huge difference between giving someone the unvarnished truth and hitting them over the head with it. At 41 weeks, she's counting every day, every hour, on edge, constantly wondering when it's going to be "the time" and what's going to happen, if it's going to go well, especially with her first birth. Her body is huge and unwieldy and at the very least uncomfortable and not sleeping well. Nevermind the hormones that are ALL OVER the place. Maybe I'm projecting overmuch and maybe her pregnancy isn't as miserable as some (I hope not!) but I've done it twice and had a LOT of pregnant friends. Nature makes the end of pregnancy miserable on purpose, I think, to make us willing to go through labor to get that child OUT! So at least have some empathy and err on the side of speaking with some gentleness and compassion. All I meant was that the OP's hubs is responsible, too and My main point was that she shouldn't be feeling like she's fucked up his chance to be poly somehow by getting preggers, as if that is all her fault, and he shouldn't be complaining about it. He was there, he played a part, so it's not all on her. She got pregnant -- it happened. They are in this together, and made their choices, but I see lots of self-blaming going on and was mostly responding to this: Yes, which is why I said I mostly agreed with you. I thought the rest of what you said was spot-on, which probably contributed to why the part I had a problem with seemed SO out of place.

Thanks for clarifying.

Maybe that's him, alone. And maybe that's her, too.

Good luck. Try not to go insane. I'd be REALLY careful about opening the door to her helping with the baby. Friends and family can help cook, clean, maybe even change a diaper or two, but that's new parent/child bonding time. If you are already dealing with issues regarding her presence in your life I personally wouldn't be willing to have her around WHILE I'm getting used to motherhood and getting to know my new child. I didn't even care for having my mother-in-law around! This is your child as much as his and you have EVERY right to say who is or is not welcome around you and the baby in the first few months, at least.

[InfinitePossibility]

Sending you lots of positive thoughts. One of my close family members is due to have a baby soon. She's fat, tired, uncomfortable and in a bad mood all the time. And when the baby comes - it'll get worse! (baby is her 4th).

I'm happily childless but have lots of friends with kids. My experience is that it's hard to stay in touch with even good friends when they have babies. Everything changes for them. In some cases, friendships have been put on hold for a good couple of years while my friends learnt how to be parents.

I can't imagine how it would be possible to go about making a new, emotionally significant friendship during that period of time. My friends have tended to spend their emotional energy on their babies and often any energy left over is spent on making new friends with people who are in the same position as they are.

Many of them report those friendships as being very significant because of the help and support provided by other people who are going through the same joys and challenges.

Wishing you luck and for a relatively easy birth.

IP

[Pretzels]

I'd be REALLY careful about opening the door to her helping with the baby. Friends and family can help cook, clean, maybe even change a diaper or two, but that's new parent/child bonding time. If you are already dealing with issues regarding her presence in your life I personally wouldn't be willing to have her around WHILE I'm getting used to motherhood and getting to know my new child. I didn't even care for having my mother-in-law around! This is your child as much as his and you have EVERY right to say who is or is not welcome around you and the baby in the first few months, at least.

Fair enough. The only poly situation (two couple quad) I knew that went through this was already well-established by the time the one woman got pregnant. They've done a lot of group parenting even post-dissolution. However, I can see your point in making a relative newcomer such a fixture in your life during a time of great upheaval.

[JaneQSmythe]

I think that having a newborn at home is one of those things that many people don't really have the capacity to understand until they have been through it.

As part of my job I spend time talking with and counseling pregnant and post-partum women and their partners. Now, I don't have personal experience in this regard myself either but I have seen many people go through this process. Most new parents seem pretty much overwhelmed (and exhausted). The universal response seems to be - I love my baby but I never knew it would be like this. I ask them if there is anything anyone (meaning me) could have said that would better have prepared them for this experience. Usually it wasn't that noone told them what to expect, it's that they didn't believe it or thought that those were the "horror stories" and wouldn't apply to them. I direct women and their partners to prepared childbirth classes, breastfeeding classes, newborn care classes. I tell them not to make any plans for visitors/travel/etc for the post-partum period until they see what it is like. (I had a woman 6 mos pregnant who was planning to take her baby on a two-week trip half-way across the country at 6 weeks to "meet" her family. Oh God!)

After the baby is born and they are in the state of basically taking care of the baby and not having the energy to take care of anything else I ask them if anyone they can stand to have around (and see them with their hair greasy and laundry piled up) offered to "help" after the baby was born - lots of people did! NOW is the time to call them - not to visit (i.e. cuddle your kid while you play the hostess) but to do the laundry and dishes and man the diaper table while you take a shower and nap. I am constantly amazed by the number of people who are unwilling to "impose" on their friends and family...

Watched a close friend and his wife go through this...no matter what I said they were convinced that THEIR child would be the exception. The husband was convinced that HIS baby would awake conveniently every 4 hours at night for breastfeeding (which his wife would handle) and he would be awake and refreshed so that he could take care of everything during the day so his wife could take a nap in the afternoon - during which time HIS child would be considerate enough to only have wet (not poopy diapers)...and, of course, they would be perfectly happy to have extended family visit and stay with them to "meet the baby." Oh Goddess!

With regards to the OP - very soon the whole poly issue may be a moot point for some time, my wish for you is that your husband mans up when the baby comes (for many men it seems that the transition to "father" doesn't actually happen until they meet their offspring - then their whole world shifts...suddenly dealing with a poopy diaper is the least of their worries).

Sorry for the lengthy post - working at this for 13 years and still trying to figure out how to best help people prepare for this...

[SNeacail]

With regards to the OP - very soon the whole poly issue may be a moot point for some time, my wish for you is that your husband mans up when the baby comes (for many men it seems that the transition to "father" doesn't actually happen until they meet their offspring - then their whole world shifts...suddenly dealing with a poopy diaper is the least of their worries).

This is very true.

The rest of your post has me wide eyed with horror and LMAO. I'm sure most first time parents have delusions of bliss until reality smacks them in the face (HARD):eek:. Now, we will never admit to having any such delusions :p.

[Red0824]

Hey guys, sorry I didn't get back sooner. We had the baby on the 10th and things have been crazy. I read all of your replies, and thank you so much for the advice, it's certainly helped me try and keep my head together. Anyway, Updates, hubby and I are separating and working towards a divorce. Things escalated in such a way that this is the only option we have. The past caught up to us and the present being as it is didn't help either. It will be a full 2 weeks Friday and during those 2 weeks I, have been up during the night with baby, he has been working a ton and gf is still very much in the picture. I asked him to take a break for us and baby and he wouldnt, apparently the gf is very important to him. He has even spent the night at her house twice since we've been home with the baby. Luckily I have my mom in town and she has been a tremendous help! So the other night he went out drinking after a long day at work, I tried to make it a date night since I can have more fun, but he thought it would be weird and told me gf was there. I exploded, we got into this huge fight that's been going on for days and finally settled on separation on his part, divorce on mine. I just couldn't handle it anymore, he chose her and poly over me and baby. At least that's the way I see it. We haven't been the happiest since I got pregnant, but that was the icing on the cake. One of the major problems is, he can't move out just yet, I'll need two roommates to help with the house so in the mean time we still sleep in the same bed, and my jealousy and guilt of ruining the marriage grows more and more because i still see him almost every day. I'm constantly reminded by him that this was my fault. If I had just been cool and honest about not being comfortable with poly, none of this would have happened. Now the question is, how can I keep my sanity while he is still here? I'm so much better when he isn't around. Not to mention, I'm super horny, and we have amazing sex , but it'll be another 4 weeks till I can do anything and I'd really like to have goodbye sex lol. We haven't been fighting for the past 2 or 3 days so when I'm not crazy, things are calmer. We still love each other and hate the situation, but it is what it is. It's harder because he has her to go to and I'm alone, taking care of a newborn. How can I begin the process of finding myself while he is still here? Now I'm really lost..... But things are crystal clear.

[Red0824]

I just read the last two post, Janeqsmythe, I'd love to talk to you about postpartum, not sure if I have it, seeing as how I've been crazy emotional these last 9 months and 2 weeks. But I'd really love to get some feedback on how to handle the situation as it stands now. Should I see a therapist? I feel like I should. It may help me organize my thoughts better. Anyway, id really love to hear what you have to say on this, I need my sanity if I have to see the man I lost and still love everyday for at least a while. :(

[nycindie]

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby. Sorry to hear that the marriage is ending.

I think you should show this discussion thread to hubby so he knows what you've been going through. And stop feeling guilty! The issue is not that you aren't "cool enough" with poly that your marriage is ending. The issue is that your husband was not willing to slow down and go at "the pace of the one who is struggling the most." I'm not talking about his six years of asking for poly. I mean that when he chose to go ahead and have girlfriends, he didn't need to jump right into sexual relationships with them. He could have slowed down and stayed within boundaries that made it more comfortable for you, and renegotiated those boundaries a little at a time, over time. He got fed up and only wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it.

In fact, I don't even think poly is the issue. He works many hours a week and wants an escape valve by having sex with someone new, but is clearly not committed to giving you the attention you deserve, especially when baby was on the way. And now he's a dad and is more focused on the girlfriend than his wife and child! My guess is that you've overlooked many times when he really hasn't been there for you in the way you needed him to be, for a long time. He thought poly would solve his inability to devote the proper energy to you and your marriage, and now he's pointing the finger of blame at you. You are under no obligation to acquiesce to having a poly arrangement if that is not what you want. Your needs, wants, and desires are valid, just as much as his are.

Now you're a mom. You need to devote your energies to taking care of yourself and your baby. Don't worry about sex right now. If you are going to follow through with divorce, make sure you get child support.

If I were you, I'd change the locks and kick his sorry ass out.

[AnotherConfused]

I've just read through this story and it makes me cringe. Red, please stop blaming yourself! I'm guessing your pain has less to do with his polyamory and more to do with his neglect. It's not that he has feelings for his girlfriend, but that he is not demonstrating any love or commitment to you. What kind of new father spends nights away from his baby in the first 2 weeks?! Or when you were pregnant beyond your due date?

Seems to me like you might be perfectly willing to accommodate his polyamorous tendencies if he would first fill your own needs. I don't see any reason why he would expect you to be ok with his going off to be with his girlfriend is he hasn't massaged your feet, changed the baby, and given you a chance to nap first. And that postpartum ban on sex? That's only for penetration. You are plenty entitled to orgasms; in fact they release oxytocin, like breastfeeding, which is good for uterine health. Surely he knows some creative ways to get you there.

He doesn't come across as respectful or considerate in what I've read here, so perhaps you'd be better off without him, but I would still hope that you wait until you've adjusted to your new baby before making any permanent decisions about your marriage. For her sake, if nothing else. If he thinks he has it in himself to be polyamorous, this is his chance to prove he really does have enough love for more than one. (I'm married and poly but I never let time with another man take away from my husband; my first priority is to give him all the love he needs and then some.)

[Anneintherain]

Sigh, I feel like I am reading more and more threads here and elsewhere where people (usually men) are using poly to be the new cheating. By this I mean they call it poly which seems to make them feel entitled to having other partners NOW no matter what, and they are as inconsiderate to their partner as if they were having an affair.

They are honest that they would like to have other partners, but they don't get the ethical part so much, and that they need to treat existing partners with respect and caring, or to consider their needs, especially if both parties didn't agree upfront to an open relationship.

They don't get the multiple LOVING part, and instead take it as a chance to trample on their current partner(s) if it gets in the way of getting what they want with a new partner.

Worst of all to me, they then blame their current partners when things go wrong and they have the nerve to speak up about not wanting to be treated badly. If they were having an affair they'd just slink off to be with their new partner quietly. By saying that they are poly, they think that means they get to claim it's your fault, that what they want matters more than anything, and you are a bad person for raining on their parade. They don't seem to have a desire to recognize that they aren't willing to make the effort to give you dates, love, time and horribly in this case, to be a giving father. Your husband's choice of partner makes me sad too, I would feel sick if found out I was dating somebody who would encourage me to leave my husband and new baby at home while I went off to have fun instead of telling me to get my ass back there and help take care of them.

I really feel for you, it did not matter if you knew you were going to be OK with poly or not. His being selfish is the issue here as far as I can see. I know new parenthood can be terrifying but I feel sick at the maturity level he is displaying. Don't let him tell you this is your fault. Tell him you won't listen to that. I am sure there are many online resources for how to wrap your head around motherhood when the other partner goes absent, ones that might help you figure out how to ask him to take care of his child a few hours here and there so you can have the time and space you need to relax, sleep, wander around a department store, or meet with friends.

[ThatGirlInGray]

I second everything that's been said so far. I'm so sorry his head is that far up his ass and that you're having to deal with this PLUS a newborn.

I'd vote a resounding YES on therapy. Your ob/gyn should be able to refer you. You don't even have to talk about poly at first. Bottom line is your husband is spending time with someone else against your wishes and abandoning you and the baby. Whether he wants to call it poly or not, and whether he's sleeping with her or not, it's CHEATING. He's CHEATING on the NEW MOTHER OF HIS CHILD. That is beyond immature. It's despicable.

*hugs* I don't know if you've said where you live, but I hope you have access to the resources you need. I'm glad your mom is able to be there to help.

[Pretzels]

We still love each other and hate the situation, but it is what it is.

Don't you think if he loved you, he'd realize you need him to be there now more than ever.

You should definitely seek counseling soon because you are going to have to reconcile just how much energy you're going to have to put into dealing with him for the rest of your life. Having a kid with someone who has one foot out of the door of your relationship will do that.

[JaneQSmythe]

postpartum, not sure if I have it...

The "baby blues" are the hormonal changes that happen during the 1st 2-3 weeks after the baby is born as the body transitions from the pregnant to the non-pregnant state. Post-Partum Depression has the same symptoms as Major Depressive Disorder but occurs anytime in the 1st year after the baby is born. People with a history of clinical depression are at increased risk for PP depression. "Baby Blues" will resolve as the hormone levels return to normal, however, if these feelings have persisted since before the baby was born you may want to talk to someone.

In my clinic we use the "Edinburgh Postpartum Depression Scale" (EPDS) to identify women at increased risk for PP Depression (a Google search should find the questionnaire) and then the PHQ-9 (Patient Health Questionnaire) to help make a diagnosis.


Should I see a therapist? I feel like I should. It may help me organize my thoughts better.

Whether or not you have PP depression, talking to a therapist is never a bad idea if you have shit going on in your life! - and boy, do you have stuff going on. (I tell my clients - "There is nobody's life that is SOOOO perfect that there is NOTHING in their life that couldn't benefit from talking over with an objective observer." - Not that everyone NEEDS therapy...but we ALL have shit going down in our lives - even if seems petty... and your situation does not seem petty to me at all.)

[Red0824]

I talked and talk to hubby about what I post on here and what feedback I get from all of you. When I had mentioned what you all said, putting poly on hold for the baby and us for right now. His main question was and still is, how is he supposed to do that while he is deep in NRE with his gf? He says, how do I even start that conversation with her? So I tell him, you just do it, if she was understanding and a nice person, not selfish in the slightest that she would gracefully bow out and understand for the time being. I don't think he wants to end it, or put it on hold. We are not happy, he said just now, he would wait around to see what kind of a person I would become if I start working on myself. See, we got married young, 18 and 19. I fell hard and lost myself in him. Now that he has changed and moved on, I have to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. It doesn't help that he is constantly reminding me that this could work in the future if I just changed into a dynamic, less of a shell of a person. I don't know how to take that. He will still be living with me in a seperated bedroom with gf coming over, he doesn't see how that makes me uncomfortable. If he really loved me, wouldnt he dump her and wait on me? Or is that a selfish thing to ask, because I already did. I'm still in the denial phase, I want this to work for what it is when we are good. But if he isn't willing to see what he did wrong these two weeks and 9 months. I don't think he is worth trying to win back. And coming to that realization is what hurts the most. He says I'm afraid to be alone with myself, easy for him to say, he has someone to go to throughout this whole ordeal. If he is feeling any pain, shouldn't he be focusing on it instead of his gf? Or do I have this all wrong? He hates that I bring up the fact that during these two weeks I was sick with a bad cold, fever and chills and taking care of a newborn, that night he went on his date with gf anyway, said if I needed him to call an he would be on his way. Well i did, and he asked if my mom was taking care of me. I said yes and he stayed out, spent the night at her place. He asked me why do I harp on that one mistake? I bring it up because I want to get a sorry reaction, I want to see that he really cares still. But from him getting so angry and still continuing to see her shows that he's not worth it anymore, even if he is the father of my child and even when we are happy that it's amazing. I told him I feel neglected, I have felt neglected, he says i should've expressed those feelings a long time ago. Am I hanging on too tightly? Should he be staying with me for another year to wait to see if I would change? I think I'm so desperate now more than ever to get back the love we once had that I'm letting what is in front of me cloud my mind. I'm too scared to let him go because I devoted myself to him so fully.

[Anneintherain]

...
If he really loves you....sigh.
If you don't want the gf around I think that is within your right to have that. However, there are tons of ways he can accommodate his NRE - however ...I don't know why you'd want to stay with somebody who doesn't know how you manage NRE.
Maybe you become friends with the girlfriend and she will start watching the kid for a few hours once a week so you can have a date with your husband (I mean months from now). Your husband arranges with your mother to watch the kid for a few hours so he can take you on a date.
Your husband makes a schedule with you and the girlfriend so he can go have some time with her but you know when he is going to be home, and he is home doing what he is supposed to for his child. He is supposed to be negotiating time, energy, balancing his responsibilities.

Did he actually read any books or forums or ANYTHING about poly yet? If his idea of poly is he just goes "omg im in luv!!!" and then he gets to abandon everything because he needs to bask in the glow of new amazing shiny thing... Books and websites (in the sticky thread on this forum) talk about this shit, including how to manage NRE. If he doesn't figure out managing it is necessary, you wouldn't want to stay with him anyway, as he will just act like a major ass anytime he gets a new interest.

The question isn't should he wait for a year to see if you will change. Maybe you do have changing to do, and you should be doing that, but if he thinks his behavior is acceptable, then he is years away from realizing he has some growing up to do himself.

Sorry, this might not be useful advice, I am livid at what you are saying about him and feel like ranting and hitting him in the head with a frying pan myself, so I am not sure how you are not putting yourself first and taking blame for anything at the moment.

[BaggagePatrol]

I like your style anne - hand me that frying pan when you're done bonking him over the head with it.

[nycindie]

You have a right to say who can and cannot be in your home. You don't know this chick well enough to have her staying with you and your baby. He is not willing to man up and just wants his fun. This is crazy. Like I said earlier, I'd call a locksmith, throw his shit in suitcases, and toss them outside.

[Pretzels]

Or, as much as this might suck, head home to hang out with Mom and leave his sorry, selfish ass there. Just. Get. Away.

I was engaged once and we owned a townhouse together. After he (wisely) decided we shouldn't get married, I moved into a spare bedroom. Even in that less-complicated situation, we had the decency not to bring anyone home or do anything around the other that would be disrespectful, hurtful or just plain rude.

I think the best change you can make in yourself is to realize you don't need this bozo in your life anymore. I wish you strength, inner peace and happiness that you've found in yourself and your child, not in bending to that idiot's whims.

[Jericka]

For what it is worth, I have a Secondary's perspective on the situation....

Is the girlfriend paying any attention to how this guy is treating his wife? Because, really, if I saw a guy that I was dating neglecting his wife and newborn? I'd be gone so fast!

NRE or not, I'm perfectly capable of seeing that how he's treating his wife is how I would be treated once the NRE wears off. I wouldn't touch a guy who was neglecting his responsibilities at home with a ten foot pole. EWWWWW!

[Red0824]

I agree with you jericka, I feel like the gf should be seeing how ridiculous he is being. I talked to he yesterday, I probably shouldn't have but I wanted to get her take on this. All she said was she still wanted to be friends with me and support both of us during this thought time. It's so hard for me to trust her, mainly because of the maturity level she is displaying as well, grante she is only 20, but she should be telling him to he his ass home to his baby and wife and try and fix the situation. But they seem to be made for each other at this point. I do feel like wacking him over the he's with a frying pan as well lol. So I've moved in with my parents temporarily, they have been a huge help with the baby, and having her away from my husband has made him miss her more and more. And I have to be honest, that was my intention :). He and I are getting together Monday for drinks to iron out all the details. And Im leaving the baby with parent and going out tonght, finally! I'm ready to be done with feeling sorry for myself, and feel sexy and strong :). He and I won't talk unless it's about baby till Monday so it'll give us and me a chance to decide what we really want out of this. And I think itll be good to not talk for a little bit. Maybe this will bring some sense into him, I have half a mind to talk to his parents and see what they think about this, his sister is coming up in a week to meet her neice. Hubby doesn't think she should know, I feel like she does, but I understand his reasoning behind it, so she wouldn't feel awkward. ( she and I are very close) but I think he is afraid she will be upset with him a take my side. He also wanted her to meet the gf. Haha. Any suggestions a to if she should be told? No one in his family knows except his dad.

[redpepper]

For what it is worth, I have a Secondary's perspective on the situation....

Is the girlfriend paying any attention to how this guy is treating his wife? Because, really, if I saw a guy that I was dating neglecting his wife and newborn? I'd be gone so fast!

NRE or not, I'm perfectly capable of seeing that how he's treating his wife is how I would be treated once the NRE wears off. I wouldn't touch a guy who was neglecting his responsibilities at home with a ten foot pole. EWWWWW!This is a very good point. I intend to apply this to my dating life I think. It makes complete sense to see that if a person is not able to take care of his responsibilities at home he likely won't be able and willing to do so in my relationship with him.

[Jericka]

He doesn't want to tell his sister, but, wants her to meet the girlfriend? Do I have that correct? Because that....seems contradictory....

I don't know the situation on the ground well enough to say tell people or don't tell. Of the two of you, he may face more immediate fallout because of the new baby and the girlfriend. Long term, I don't know how it would help or hurt you or the situation as a whole.

[bookbug]

For what it is worth, I have a Secondary's perspective on the situation....

Is the girlfriend paying any attention to how this guy is treating his wife? Because, really, if I saw a guy that I was dating neglecting his wife and newborn? I'd be gone so fast!

NRE or not, I'm perfectly capable of seeing that how he's treating his wife is how I would be treated once the NRE wears off. I wouldn't touch a guy who was neglecting his responsibilities at home with a ten foot pole. EWWWWW!

I absolutely agree with this statement!!!! I entered a triadic situation with a couple that ultimately didn't work out. My guy put his wife and children first when we finally realized she ultimately would not be able to cope. While the situation made me very sad, he would not have been the person I love if he'd made any other choice.

[bookbug]

I agree with you jericka, I feel like the gf should be seeing how ridiculous he is being. I talked to he yesterday, I probably shouldn't have but I wanted to get her take on this. All she said was she still wanted to be friends with me and support both of us during this thought time. It's so hard for me to trust her, mainly because of the maturity level she is displaying as well, grante she is only 20, but she should be telling him to he his ass home to his baby and wife and try and fix the situation.

I see part of the problem. The gf is so young. She really doesn't have the experience to understand all the complications of this situation. And at that age, I imagine she is so swept up with his attention that it's carrying her away. It's unfortunate that she met your immature husband as her early introduction into polyamory.

Hugs to you! I'm glad you're out of the house away from him. I understand that you love him, but really the kindest thing I can say is he is immature, but really, I'm thinking selfish, insensitive asshole.