View Full Version : Frustrated single female
01-25-2012, 04:29 PM
Being a single female who self indentifies as poly. I find it hard to find men who understands the concept of Polyamry. Most assume I would exspect then Bi, or sexual with anyone and everyone. Or they assume they can't find a partner that is female.
I have had my share of bad realationship where I left them open and they still would cheat and use the "but you said we where open" anolgy to excuse their bad behaviors.
I am curious from working long term couples how they got past those 'dating hurdles" to find love with like minded people
01-25-2012, 04:48 PM
I'm bisexual and poly as well. I have lucked out for the most part, in that I've never really had to date since coming out as poly. Some of my earliest experience with open marriage were the result of drunkeness....for example, Runic Wolf went out to get more alcohol and came back to find me naked on the floor with one of our female friends kissing my feet.
My boyfriend, Wendigo, is a long time friend of ours. He approached me a couple of years ago after Runic Wolf's birthday party while we were sobering up to discuss the possibility of us taking our friendship to the next level. That was almost three years ago. A couple of years ago, Wendigo's wife, Pretty Lady, joined us and I enjoyed my first real relationship with another woman; sadly that did not work out because she's not really poly.
Runic Wolf is now back on the market so to speak. He's had trouble before finding women who want more than just sex or kink. It seems to be a big issue with some women that he is married even after I've told them I'm okay with it.
01-25-2012, 05:03 PM
I dont have an issue dating a pre involved male, but I have a big rule which is..soon after meeting BEFORE sex I must meet her and see if I can least like her and her of me as human being's.
I feel that I need to be able to communicate with both if issues arise even if I am only dating him. Also, it could be a distrust of men in general that I want to make sure before I put my heart out there hes not being a sneaky little shit and saying one thing to me and another to her.
01-25-2012, 05:37 PM
Understandable. Wendigo was very honest with me about Pretty Lady knowing about us and what her initial boundaries were. When we crossed one, he told her immediately and we went from there. (I look back now and wonder how we ever thought that we could avoid PIV sex, but we were pretty caught up in NRE). I saw her every now and again when we picked Wendigo up for our weekend long LARP events or game nights, but we didn't really have a conversation for about 3 months. I was terrified that she would hate me for breaking that boundary so early on. But once we started talking, it was awesome.
01-25-2012, 09:42 PM
Trust me it isn't always an easier being a poly male. I find all too many women who immediately close their minds when they find ( as in I tell them) and automatically assume either I'm cheating or that I'm secretly looking to leave but just haven't admitted it. So I can totally sympathize with your post.
Hello from another georgian btw!
01-25-2012, 11:39 PM
his1911, I can only imagine. Wave's hello back. =)
I know myself well enough to know if Im sexually attracted to a man..VENIS is not going to work for me. lol
Now, I cam be Platonic friends with a man i'm sexually attracted to..but that means no hanky panky. I'm a massochist, but not that much =P
01-26-2012, 04:41 AM
I've had some success meeting poly people on OKC (http://www.okcupid.com/). If you make sure to mention it in your profile, OKC will match that up with references in other people's profiles. You can also answer lots of the "poly type" questions to improve your match, making sure to list those answers as very important (things like, would it bother you if your partner fell in love with another person).
As for meeting people in real life, I think the best approach is to ask if they've ever heard of polyamory. If they have, ask them what they know about it, if they haven't, explain what it means to you.
Also, when you said "open relationships" and then they "cheat" could you be more specific? What boundaries did you set out alongside "open"? I've found that the term "open relationship" has a lot of interpretations, so if things were never clarified, I can see how there might be some misunderstandings. I personally try to stay away from that term for just that reason.
01-26-2012, 05:04 AM
It took me around 10 years to find what I have. I intend to hold on to it. I think that mostly solid poly relationships occur out of finding friends in the poly community. Anyone that is really poly identified rather than liking the idea of a poly dating lifestyle while they either wait for monogamy or because they don't want something long term and committed don't seem to find partners through dating sites.
01-26-2012, 06:42 AM
It seems to be a big issue with some women that he is married even after I've told them I'm okay with it.
This. Oh my Gods, this. >.<
She can tell them to their face, in person, that it's alright and it doesn't matter. I'm married, and thus instantly friend-zoned. It's kind of frustrating, actually, to have the same story played out over and over again.
01-26-2012, 11:57 PM
...can tell them to their face, in person, that it's alright and it doesn't matter. I'm married, and thus instantly friend-zoned.
Yup. And sometimes kicked out of even the friend-zone...
As a rule I don't go "looking" for people to meet and don't approach people that interest me (intellectually, sexually, etc.) with any expectation of where that interaction is going to lead.
That being said, back in grad school a friend dragged me to a small LGBT get-together for students. I met a cute sexy interesting bi woman there and we chatted and ate and talked about our school experiences and our relationship experiences. Now anyone who talks to me for 5 minutes knows that I'm married (aside from the fact that I wear a ring) - MrS is my best friend so my stories often refer to him "MrS and I did this...", "I had invited this girl over and my husband told this story about the time that I..." etc.
Anyway, short story long, she invited me to dinner at her apartment. More conversation, some very light flirting, and at some point in the conversation she just...freezes up. (I don't remember what we were talking about but I don't think it was anything poly or heavy - maybe just school or something). I ask her if there is something bothering her and her answer is "You're married." OK, that's true. What specifically is bothering you about that? Are you uncomfortable because I am flirting with you? "No, I'm really enjoying myself...BUT You're Married." Have you not been friends with anyone who was married? Yes, but there was not the possibility of “more than” friendship because...they were MARRIED.
We talked for a bit longer, we talked about my relationship with MrS, and her prior relationships and current friendships. I toned down the the flirting. She brought up that she didn't know whether she was looking for a “woman” in her life right now (apparently she had recently ended a relationship with another female and she usually “alternates”) or whether she was looking for a friend that she had things in common with. I said I wasn't “looking for” anything in particular so why not just hang out and see what develops? (BUT...You're Married)
Finally I told her that I enjoyed hanging out and talking with her but that she seemed uncomfortable with the fact that I was married...perhaps she would feel more comfortable if she met my husband? She expressed some concern that if she “decided” to get involved with me that would mean that she was agreeing to be “involved” with him as well. (This seemed like a HUGE leap to me – she hadn't even MET the guy yet – maybe they would end up friends, or lovers, or acquaintances who nodded at each other civilly if they passed on the street – or maybe they would hate each other at first glance, who the hell KNOWS?).
Anyway, she came over to our place a few nights later, we ate and watched TV and talked (both alone and with MrS). Eventually we had the conversation – we are Married, MrS is ok with and supportive of me seeing/dating/forming relationships/sleeping with women, such a relationship does NOT imply an intimate relationship with him, etc. (At that point in MrS's and my relationship the understanding was that he would feel threatened by my having an intimate/romantic relationship with another man beyond the friends/flirting stage. He did/does not expect to be involved in the more intimate aspects of my relationships with women – although he has not objected to being invited when the situation arose >grin<... “Ladies Choice”)
AND...well, that was pretty much it. She and I spoke a few times after that in school but ...”BUT...You're Married!” Now, I don't KNOW that poly had anything to do with it. Perhaps she was just not interested in me, even as a friend, and the Married part just provided a convenient out? Perhaps it was just not the right time in her life to contemplate something that had the potential to be complicated? (I think there was an ex-boyfriend who was in the process of making a re-appearance...)
With that one exception my potential partners have come from the small pool of people who are friends with MrS or myself and have had the opportunity to observe how our relationship functions without being introduced to both us as individuals and poly as a concept at the very same time that the “Could this go somewhere?” question is on the table.
(Damn, I suffer from verbal diarrhea - sorry for the essay!)
01-27-2012, 10:55 PM
I know the differnce between open and cheating. When you lie, sneak, hide, and flat out do whatever you want with and whenever you want while married...even "open" with no reguard to your realatonship it is cheating. When you replace one person for another..that is a not poly that a seiral cheater.
reality was he wanted me mono but he didnt have to be. He coul do whatever he wanted as long as I didn't do the same. Sorry, i don't buy into that illogical blame throwing game. He knew was open intailed. We had a contract before marriage . he choose his actions. I simply with held my end of the deal...you break the rules. It is a deal breaker for me......He did. I left. Was pretty cut and dry to me.