Newbie help!

[jeffnmeg]

Hey, my names megan and Ive been with my partner Jeff for a few years now. I have discussed the idea of a threesome relationship with him and I realy want to give it a shot but every time we meet a girl, it seems shes interested in both of us at first untill we try to set a date with her, and then she reveals that she is only interested in me. what should we do about this? We want to find someone who may want a serious relationship but they all seem to be acting like they want one just to get to me. Jeff has started to get offended slightly because he feels they are acting interested in both of us just to get to me.

[dingedheart]

Sounds like he right. You need a better screen process.

[jeffnmeg]

well we look for women who say they are interested in couples and share some things in common with us but once we make contact, they seem to change their mind about being with both of us and just want to be with me. I dont know how to screen out anyone. our profiles on dating sites clearly states thet we come "as a couple so no men or other couples, only single women" and yet we get women talking us up for a while and then at the last minute telling us they only are interested in me.

[risingscarlet]

In my opinion it's very, very difficult for a 'third' to meet a couple for whom they share equal connection to both partners. I think it's important to allow each new 'couple' develop their relationship at it's own pace.

How are you meeting these new people? Who is making the initial contact with them and carrying on the conversation with them before you set your dates? If these women are primarily interacting with you, maybe they are just not as comfortable with Jeff as quickly as you and they hesitate at being with him because of it.

[jeffnmeg]

we are meeting them on dating site and at our local bar and through friends. the both of us are making contact with them

[redpepper]

maybe try and date separately. Its usually what works better in the long run anyway. A couple usually is a nice fantasy but is daunting and overwhelming in the long run for most.

Do a search for "triad" in the tags to read more about what to expect.

[Magdlyn]

Look at it this way: how many mono married (or long term partnered) couples do YOU know where you get along equally well with the guy and the woman? Or if they are gay, both guys, both women? When I think of couples I know, I almost always prefer one or the other. Sometimes I LOVE one of them and can hardly stand the other.

Usually, I prefer the woman, but there is at least one case where I love the guy but can't stand his wife. I've had to stop visiting them because I can't even have a decent conversation with the guy without his shallow needy materialistic wife barging in with non sequitors.

So, with romantic relationships, it's like this, only intensified. Sometimes a triad will work for a while, when new relationship energy is in place, hormones and sexuality are raging, but once that fades, the true affinity may settle on one or the other of the couple.

Most polyamorous people date separately.

[dingedheart]

Does it have to be a female? I bet you wouldn't have trouble finding a guy to have a threeway with.

[nycindie]

Focus more on developing relationships/friendships with people individually, and you will probably have a better chance at meeting someone who is open to being poly with both of you. Try and meet people who do things you are interested in, out in your community. It sounds like you have been focused on the sex (ie., calling it a threesome), and so it seems you are attracting people who have rather shallow goals and aren't being upfront at first about what they want.

[jeffnmeg]

Yes it has to be a girl. my hubby is a straight man and im a bisexual woman so it only makes sense to have a woman join us. Also, it isnt just about the sex to us but I do see your point. I guess ive been putting the sexx part of it upfront a bit more because i dont want to make good friends with someone and think its going somewhere and have it turn out they never had sex on their mind. p.s unfortunately ALL of my female friends are strait and spokem for lol. I also have a hard time finding new friends because im a mother of 2 so i dont have much time to make new ones and im sometimes quite ackward at first. but its all things I can work on so thank you for the advicce!

[dingedheart]

wait, I know someone in Canada...do you much about fisting?

[jeffnmeg]

I know what it is... have I done it... no. lol

[nycindie]

I guess ive been putting the sexx part of it upfront a bit more because i dont want to make good friends with someone and think its going somewhere and have it turn out they never had sex on their mind. ... I also have a hard time finding new friends because im a mother of 2 so i dont have much time to make new ones
Well, it would seem that if you gain a new friend, and not a sexual partner, that would be a good thing, too, since you don't have many and it's hard for you to make friends. Don't be so focused on the goal of a playmate for the two of you.

It sounds like you have an easy time meeting potential girlfriends, and Jeff is waiting around for you to find them and then expecting them to be with him, too. Ugh. Why can't you each pursue a gf or friend for yourselves separately, and just remain open to the possibility of them maybe being involved with both of you? You can have a gf, and he can have one too. They don't have to be the same person. What's wrong with that?

[Magdlyn]

wait, I know someone in Canada...do you much about fisting?

Ugh! What the hell, dinged?

Cindie, I bet there are reasons they want to "share" a woman. Number one fantasy for men is to have 2 women in bed. And if this is the OPs first foray into woman/woman contact, she might feel nervous and imagine she'd be less nervous with her male partner there.

But still, yeah, unicorn hunting is usually a futile pursuit for most.

[dingedheart]

Mags, I was thinking of a bi female who just so happens to live in Canada.

And some of us know that word to be like cat nip to that individual. Bottom line it was a joke :D happy new year

[jeffnmeg]

ohh lol. and im ok with him having a girlfriend seperately from me but hes not ok with me having one seperate from him. He had to be talked into the idea of him having another girlfriend, he felt it would be cheating but now hes ok with it.

[Derrall]

With hiim originally being opposed to the idea, is it possible he's giving off bad vibes whenever you guys meet new people? My gf used to be that way, im not sure she realized she was being cold, but she was. It...is a possibility...

[jeffnmeg]

well i actually thought that might be it but ive paid close attention to him and over the past year he haas relaxed and is very cool and calm when we meet new women... I have learned that bars seem to be a bad place to meet women because ALL women in this area seem to be bi and interested in the both of us when they are drinking and around other guys but later on when sober and on a "date" with us they confess they are strait and not into a threesome.

[redpepper]

Yes it has to be a girl. my hubby is a straight man and im a bisexual woman so it only makes sense to have a woman join us.I live with my two men and they get along nicely pleasing me when in a 3-way situation. Who says they have to be intimate! Can't they just be into you and help each other out!? Besides don't you know "the golden rule?" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi7gwX7rjOw) :p:D

wait, I know someone in Canada...do you much about fisting?
All polite Canadians love fisting don't ya know :D

[bassman]

Bottom line it was a joke :D happy new year

Pun intended, lol!

[jeffnmeg]

haha thats funny. but no, hes not ok with another man. and I dont want another guy either. i want my man and a woman.

[AnnabelMore]

but every time we meet a girl, it seems shes interested in both of us at first untill we try to set a date with her, and then she reveals that she is only interested in me.

ALL women in this area seem to be bi and interested in the both of us when they are drinking and around other guys but later on when sober and on a "date" with us they confess they are strait and not into a threesome.

Wait, what? Which is it?

[jeffnmeg]

both are true. shes interested in both of us at first but either when we try to set a date or AT the date, she then makes it clear shes either strait (which means she doesnt want a threesome) or shes only interested in me (the woman).

[AnnabelMore]

Gotcha. So, in the cases where the woman turns out to be straight, is she interested in your husband, or actually just interested in hanging and being friends (I assume someone wouldn't agree to a date if they just didn't like either of you period) and not interested in sex with either of you at all?

[jeffnmeg]

well thats the wierd part too... it turns out that they arent interested in either of us. this is the scenario.... were at the bar, having a few drinks, when a woman seems to be into the both of us and she starts kissing me a little and the next day we set up a date. just before the date or at the date she confesses that she is straight and not actually interested in either of us..... I DONT GET IT! then why were u kissing me? (i think because other guys were watching) and why did you say you wanted the both of us at the bar? (because the other guys that were watching probably thought it was cool) so it seems to me that we get used as bait for her to get some other guy.

[AnnabelMore]

Huh. I guess the bar scene is just really not the way to go in this scenario. I would agree with the other posters that you might do well to 1) focus on forging new friendships rather than finding new sex partners (I've met lotsa people I ended up getting involved with as friends first, or through friends) and 2) to loosen up your ideas of what you're looking for and consider dating separately and letting a three-person situation find you if it finds you. It's a nice idea, but there's a million and one problems with setting out with that as your only goal. It's a lot of pressure on any new person to feel like they need to like both of you equally.

[dingedheart]

What was his dating history before finding the love of his life? :) I meant you, meg. ...just to be clear.

Was it easy or a struggle ?

[nycindie]

this is the scenario.... were at the bar, having a few drinks, when a woman seems to be into the both of us and she starts kissing me a little and the next day we set up a date. just before the date or at the date she confesses that she is straight and not actually interested in either of us..... I DONT GET IT! then why were u kissing me?
Oh, yeah, the "I only kiss other chicks when I'm drunk" brand of getting other people's attention in a bar. Yep, there are straight women who do that, just to be titillating and have the kind of fun they normally wouldn't let themselves have. They might just be curious about what being with another chick would be like but never have any intention to follow through "for real."

I would agree that meeting women in bars (especially late into the evening when much alcohol has been consumed) is not the best option for you. If I were you two, I'd go out and meet people doing other activities you enjoy, build friendships, and see what happens.

Another option is online dating - do you have profiles on OKCupid? It's a very popular site with polyfolk (free to join), and I believe you can have one profile as a couple if you want.

[jeffnmeg]

no we dont have a profile on that site but i think we will make one. thanks for the info. lol im not looking for someone seperate from him although im ok with him finding someone just for himself. (i know its an odd situation but its how i like it) and he has had a few girlfriends in the past but they were dumb bitches.. and i realy do mean dumb! my grammar and spelling is sometimes bad but compared to me, they are like 5yr olds....

[jeffnmeg]

so we now have a profile on okcupid together but no ones even replied to any of our messages so ive talked to jeff about me making my own profile and doing what some of you have suggested (me meetting women on my own and they seeing if we can work it into a 3 way relationship) but i almost feel like im tricking people. like im leading them on to think that ill be with them on my own without jeff which i wont do.

[Derbylicious]

The thing is that there isn't an abundance of single women who are looking to become part of a triad with a pre-exisiting couple. Are you open to the idea of her having another primary relationship outside the two of you? What you're looking for is the same thing a lot of other couples are looking for. Hell, to begin with it was what my husband and I were looking for and we met with a lot of the same frustrations. We're happier now letting relationships develop into whatever they're going to be. You can't force people into the mold that you want them to fit, they're going to fit into your life, and you into theirs in their own unique way. Maybe one day you'll find that you're in a triad but chances are that it won't be because you're looking for it. If you're happy for him to have a girlfriend seperate from you maybe that's what he should focus on for now.

[AnnabelMore]

so we now have a profile on okcupid together but no ones even replied to any of our messages so ive talked to jeff about me making my own profile and doing what some of you have suggested (me meetting women on my own and they seeing if we can work it into a 3 way relationship) but i almost feel like im tricking people. like im leading them on to think that ill be with them on my own without jeff which i wont do.

If you're up front from the very start about your aims, having your own profile seems fine to me. But if you're not clear about it from the start, then I can say at least that I'd feel hurt and deceived if I were a woman you were talking to and the requirement to be into both of you only came up later.

It may help to understand that what you're looking for is something that is hard to find and that may just cause problems if/when you find it. A couple seeking a single woman to be with both of them exclusively is sometimes called "unicorn hunting" because it can come from a place of unrealistic expectations.

For starters, you're looking for someone to desire and have emotions for you both at the same time from the beginning, which is no mean feat considering that physical and emotional attraction for just one person can be hard to find. It's also a situation that many women are wary of -- when a couple will only accept a new person being involved with both of them, it often turns out to stem from insecurity on one or both of their parts, which doesn't lead to healthy relationships. Sometimes people are afraid to date separately because they actually can't stand the thought of their partner being with someone else without them, but then that jealousy ends up surfacing eventually in the triad situation too when the new partner is into one person more than the other or when the original couple realizes that their relationship is now in fact changing due to the presence of this new person.

It can also make a potential new partner feel devalued when they're essentially expected to just slot into your existing life rather than getting the chance to work with you to define the type of poly relationship that would work best for them. The potential new partner is expected to have no other partners ("single women only") so they'll have only you to turn to in the difficult situation of trying to build a new three-person relationship, whereas you two will have the fun, exciting newness of the relationship with her PLUS the stable, reassuring existing relationship between each other to fall back on and rely on. This puts her in an inherently unequal and vulnerable position right from the start, and to my mind isn't really a fair thing to ask... why is it important for her to be exclusive with you?

One last thought -- when this is the only sort of relationship a couple will accept, they seem to end up finding mainly young women who are new to poly. This can just exacerbate all the potential issues outlined above, because these women may not have the best communication skills, or may not know exactly what they're getting into, or may not even know themselves very well yet. Women with a little more experience who are open to poly are more likely to already have at least one other partner of their own, and even if they'd like the idea of hooking up with the two of you at the same time may be turned off by the whole "unicorn hunter" vibe.

Just some food for thought based on many, many stories I've read here from people on both sides of the equation (couples and solo women).

[jeffnmeg]

well thats alot to chew on but its all very good advice. i just feel like if we look for someone who is already in a relationship then we are getting that person to cheat. like if they really like us but are already with someone but decide to be with us also i feel like we are coming between her relationship with her boyfriend.

[nycindie]

i just feel like if we look for someone who is already in a relationship then we are getting that person to cheat. like if they really like us but are already with someone but decide to be with us also i feel like we are coming between her relationship with her boyfriend.

Not an issue if she's poly!

[Derbylicious]

Not an issue if she's poly!

What she said :)

[AnnabelMore]

well thats alot to chew on but its all very good advice. i just feel like if we look for someone who is already in a relationship then we are getting that person to cheat. like if they really like us but are already with someone but decide to be with us also i feel like we are coming between her relationship with her boyfriend.

If you do end up meeting a woman who's into you guys and who already had a serious partner, you can always ask to meet them before anything happens, so that you can see first hand that all is well. That's a very common poly request, and it can build trust all around. It can be an e-introduction instead of an in-person get together, but I like the idea of hanging out for coffee... if a potential partner's other partner isn't even willing to do coffee, then they're probably not really ok with it and you shouldn't go ahead. Meeting other casual partners probably isn't necessary, in that case you just have to trust that the new person is being truthful to all involved.

[Magdlyn]

If you find a woman you are interested in (you, singular, since unicorns hardly ever work out), who already has a partner of her own, of course she can share time with him(her) and you, as long as it's all negotiated ethically with both of you. If she is in an open relationship with her OSO, this is a given.

If she's cheating, run the other way.

Currently, I've got a primary gf (tho we don't live together for various reasons) and 3 male partners. I prefer to see my gf for the weekend (long weekend, usually) and see one of my others once a week.

So, breaking it down:

every weekend w miss pixi
wk 1: see The Ginger
wk2: see The Hottie
wk 3: see The Gentleman

lather, rinse, repeat

That would be an average month. However, miss pixi is going out of town next weekend, so I can see The Ginger then. miss pixi is also going out of town for 2 wks in Feb, and one of those weekends I am going on a little getaway with The Gentleman.

So far, this arrangement is working out, and we have had similar configurations in the past with other partners of mine, and hers. No cheating anywhere!

2 of my OSOs are single, but open to polyamory. miss pixi has met The Gentleman. I want to meet The Ginger's wife soon, and have him meet miss pixi as well.

[jeffnmeg]

wow, i think with my memory i would screw something up! thats a very complex month you are working with but it seems to work well. I hope to one day have our GF move in with us and i guess since its considered "unicorn hunting" we would live happily ever after lol. with or without finding the glass slipper... :P

[Magdlyn]

wow, i think with my memory i would screw something up! thats a very complex month you are working with but it seems to work well.

Well, one has to juggle social engagements anyway. Maybe I'm used to it from being a mom of 3 kids (all grown now) and dealing with their activity schedules for so many years!

Lots of poly tribes use a Google calendar to keep everyone on track.

[redpepper]

hey jeff and meg, thanks for coming back and telling us how its going :) I would love to know if you ever find what you are looking for the way you are looking. I have never known it to happen, but I love to be proven wrong on such things.

[trescool]

hey jeffnmeg:
Yeah my bf and I had the delusional idea that we could meet a girl who'd be into both of us too, so we could have a triad. That lasted for a couple months til it didnt seem realistic anymore. Then we decided we'd be ok with a mf couple or a ff couple (he's not bi, but I am). So yeah a common story I hear. :)