Fears of loss in a Mono/Poly relationship

[MonoVCPHG]

I recently posted a long article on my experience so far in engaging in a polyamorous relationship although I am monogamous. I promise this one will not be so long!!

I included the following statement which I spoke to my partner/girlfriend about after.
"Above all, never feel like the polyamorous person has any less to lose than you."

Yes, I will definitely feel a certain loss when she adds a new lover or sex partner..oddly enough, primarily if they are male, and I do apply different "labels" to different types of relations because it helps me mentally organize. (but that is another post!) I always tell myself she will find someone so I am better prepared whether it happens or not. Again this is a tool I use regardless if it is viewed as healthy or not.

I understand the ability to love and desire another person similarly without a reduction for others. I wouldn't be able to look at her husband without guilt if I did not. I entered this relationship with a complete knowledge of who was involved and in what way. I am the "new guy" in my mind. It is the unknown of another "new guy" that will be my challenge..one that I will face head on and with understanding but certainly not without difficulty. I know my weaknesses which will enable me to draw on her, her husband and my own internal strength to overcome them and grow. At least that is what I foresee happening.

Back to my point
I will first deal with loss in the relationship if/when she finds someone else.I will feel loss, most definitely at least for a while until I am again secure in her genuine love and continued desire for me. Will an aspect of our dynamic change? I could lie to myself and say I know it won't but that is not the path to a sustainment of this amazing relationship. Initially - for sure. Permanently..perhaps. She will feel it, see it. I am an open book and she knows when I withdrawal my energy while I process. Does that mean the intimacy of out relationship will end? Absolutely not, not unless I can't handle it. She will love and desire me the same, just like she does for her husband. She will probably love us both more...a concept I struggle with as well. We will grow and she will be happy which is paramount to me.

What if I find someone else? I am intimately monogamous. Not by choice, moral or social requirement. I am monogamous because it is my nature. I require a very specific connection to truly desire someone. My physical passion is directly proportionate to my level of connection and intimate love. I only feel that intimate love for one person at a time, which has been proven throughout my life. I don't want to intimately love more than one person although I would welcome a change in my nature if it meant my life would be easier in a polyamorous relationship. Yes, I would love to be polyamorous or even just have a much more casual approach to sex so I could be more at ease, better blend with the amazing people around, me and just have fun. Who knows..maybe in the future but that is not my reality for now...sadness.

If I form another intimate connection tomorrow it will be at the expense of the one I have right now. In giving intimacy I am all or nothing. Simple and plain. I would no longer be this amazing persons lover or even playmate. I would not be able to share that energy with another unless I take it away from her. She would continue to be my most trusted friend but I would deny her my passion and intimate love. Would this be a malicious act towards her? Absolutely not! Just as her taking on a new partner would not be a malicious act towards me. It would simply be accepting and acting on our fundamental natures. Denial of one's nature is a terrible road to travel as I have been there. Pain is always the result.

So who would lose more is a question of definites. I might experience a decrease of her intimate attention and perceive she loves me less..she would lose all of my intimate attention and although my love would still be immense it would be re-shaped..that is definite.


I said I would keep this short...I tried.

[CDarklock]

I would not be able to share that energy with another unless I take it away from her.

I find this a tremendous fallacy.

If you have children with a woman, do you love the woman less for loving the child? I don't think so. Been there, done that, I love her the more for it and I love the child with all my heart.

If you have another child, do you love your first child less for this one? I don't think so. Been there, done that, I love my wife and both my children with all my heart.

And now that I have a new lover in my life, someone I also love with all my heart, is it so hard to believe that I still love my wife and both my children with all my heart as well?

If so... what is the difference?

[MonoVCPHG]

CDarklock - thanks for your comment and I totally respect your view. I have learned to accept that people view things much differently. You have to understand that this post is about me specifically and what goes through my mind and heart. Another monogamous person in the same situation might have a completely different outlook. I accept that as truth.

As an example, some people can aproach sex simply as a fun activity that can be very intense and energy filled. I certainly did until I tried it from that perspective. It didn't work for me..the key is it didn't work "for me".

Thanks again and take care.

[CDarklock]

You have to understand that this post is about me specifically and what goes through my mind and heart.

Yes, I do. I just don't understand why this is what goes through your mind and heart. Could you explain more?

After all, I also respect your view. :)

[MonoVCPHG]

I'll have to spend some time processing why..as I don't know..it just does. I was married for 16 good years although a loss of connection did cause issues at times, so I definitely know I am intimately focussed on one person at a time. I'll have to think about this and, given more time, honour your question with a better answer.

Thanks again.

[CDarklock]

I definitely know I am intimately focussed on one person at a time.

Let me pass along a little trial I'm facing right now, which is pretty closely related.

I have never had to sit in the same room with more than one woman I loved with all my heart. Over the past two weeks, I've done that several times, and I don't know what the hell to do. I can only kiss one of them at a time. I can only hug one of them at a time. And, what with having only one penis... well, you get the idea.

I don't know how to be completely and totally devoted to two people in the same room. I'm at an absolute loss. How does that work? What should I do? I hear so many women say "he kissed her but he didn't kiss me" or "he kissed her better than he kissed me" - and that's frequently a prelude to "it didn't work and we broke up and I hate him".

I don't have any problem going into a room with one person and being completely involved with that person, not even thinking about anyone else. I can love several people with all my heart. I can have two children in the same room, and love them like a parent, and both of them know I love them with all my heart. But I just don't know how to do it with women. (Or with men, for that matter. It's not a sexual or intimate thing. I don't really know how to balance my friends, either.)

So maybe I'm thinking of your issue differently. Maybe we both have the same one. After all, I can only really kiss one woman at a time, right? So can you. Is that where you see the problem? Not the love and affection itself, but the actual demonstration of it?

[MonoVCPHG]

My girlfriend would be a much better person to answer this..and probably will! I am her secondary and essentially she is the focal point of a "V" between me and her husband. I don't have the issue you have as I only have intimate love for her. She is more closely in your position as we are often all together and ocasionally there is another friend of hers and his as well.

I do my best to respect all of us and although the affection is there I interact more like a close friend in those situations. I have zero issue with jealousy towards her husband and although I am completely comfortable with them showing affection towards each other I do not expect open affection to be displayed to me. We have our own and very private times for that. In fact I probably shy away from displays in a teasing and humorous way. My favourite expression is "you are going to get me in trouble"!

I believe she has read your reply and will post a response herself. She has an infinite capacity for love and doesn't get my inability to intimately love more than one person either. Oh the sweet challenges we face..but we do it together..all three of us!
Thanks for the discussion.

[redpepper]

I have finally had a chance to add my thoughts to your link as monoVCPHG's girlfriend (seems such a small word in light of my huge love for you!).

I have to say I love that you are all mine and that I have no challenges to face in the future if you were to bring another woman into your life that I am to share you with. This is a real treat to not have to deal with that. however... what I do deal with is the fact that if you were to find someone new then I would be tossed aside and made to watch you fall in love again... knowing that I am just your friend. Albeit an important one, still, no longer to have the closeness I desire to have with you. The jury is still out on whether or not this thought is worse or better than the other... I really try to just avoid it altogether actually.

I have heard the "you love all your children so why not love more than one person" theory before and I can't say I see how it relates to poly. I can see how it is the closest thing for some to explaining it, but it is not how I feel. For me it is more easily explained in terms of having more than one friend that fills a different need. I have friends that I like to exercise with, others that I like to have coffee with and talk about my relationships with, others about their relationships... I have friends that I have in my life like a comfortable pair of old jeans that I have loved forever and ones that I just got like this seasons fashion trend. My child fills a very different place in my heart. Perhaps if I had more than one I would get it more.

In regards to the gentleman with the two ladies in the same room that you don't know what to do with? hmmm.... they seem a tad selfish if they are unable to give you space and have compersion for the other. I wonder about the details of this situation and the details of your relationship to both of them. Is one your primary and the other the secondary for example?

I find in my "V" that I spend most of my time backing away and allowing my men to spend our group time together. I love watching them talk and joke around. Sometimes I get a kiss from my husband as he is my primary and I feel as if my secondary enjoys seeing the affection and love he has for me. Sometimes I sneak kisses and hugs to my secondary (making him squirm I might add) knowing that my primary will not mind and in fact enjoys seeing me sharing love and affection also. It's a work in progress I think. I would like to think that we are in a traid as I know that my two favorite lovers are friends, becoming more and more bonded. They may never be sexual with one another, but their relationship success is paramount to our greater success in making this work. Without their friendship I could not be happy and not be able to continue to be a part of this family we have created. I would have some very hard decisions to make indeed.

[MonoVCPHG]

Girlfriend is a very small word indeed! I wish there was a better one..hmm I'll have to think about that, Lover.

I will now step back so others can focus on you input reference the sharing of partners in a group. I'll chat with you about other concerns tomorrow! I love you immensely!

[yoxi]

Redpepper, I can relate to "For me it is more easily explained in terms of having more than one friend that fills a different need." When people ask me whether I believe in soulmates, I say: sure, I think everyone can have several :) - and they don't have to be lovers to be soulmates (whatever the hell that means to each of us).

[NeonKaos]

I would love to have what you folks have. My husband is open to me seeing other people, but the "other guy" is mono-minded and freaked out by the whole thing.

[MonoVCPHG]

Ygirl,

I am truly sorry for the difficulties you are having in forming this relationship. It is important to note that, beyond the "internal" fears I focussed on in my post, there are also "external" factors that may play a part. I do not presume to know the social circle of you or the guy involved so this is from my experience with the personalities I know in my social environment. I am military so things can be a bit rough.

My love for my incredible partner/girlfriend/Lover makes the external factors completely unimportant to me. That being said, there is the issue of how he feels his friends may view the relationship; this is the egotistical or macho angle.

A lot of guys will judge me for having a lover that has sex with other men. They will think that I am being used, that I am less of a "man" that can't satisfy her sexually or quite simply will reduce polyamory to being a slut. People that know me would not voice the word "slut" however. I have a protective streak towards everyone I love in all ways.

Again, I have to reiterate that this is a reality in my social/work environment but does not reflect the close-mindedness of all of them. It is however,a real and very powerful pressure. Social pressure and the disapproval of peers carries a lot of weight unless the relationship is so rewarding that it renders them impotent which in my case it does. I am extremely proud of my Lover and her incredible heart.

Maybe you should have him read my posts just so he can see this from my perspective. Trust me, if he is not completely into this relationship he will be torn apart by it, possibly without you ever knowing. I am no expert but my opinions are based on experience, real and felt.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find what we have. I don't mean a mono/poly relationship as I sometimes think I am too much work for my partner and she deserves someone like minded who could let her explore without fear. What I mean is a relationship that feels as though it never had a beginning and will have no end. I love her dearly, she is my best friend, my most intense of lovers and I will cherish every moment of our adventure together with her family.

[CDarklock]

In regards to the gentleman with the two ladies in the same room that you don't know what to do with? hmmm.... they seem a tad selfish if they are unable to give you space and have compersion for the other.

That's not even remotely the issue. If you live with two partners, you will inevitably end up all being in the same room just in the course of your natural lives. When this happens, there's a problem with undirected affectionate feelings - if I have a romantic impulse, and it's not specific to either partner, there's a decision to be made about where and how to express it.

That decision is not simple, because neither partner can tell that the impulse is undirected. They don't know what I'm feeling... only what I do in response to those feelings.

[redpepper]

interesting thought. I certainly have felt a romantic impulse and thought about how best to go about expressing it. I guess I was assuming that this was a brief thing and that they weren't all living together but on occasion find themselves all in the same room. Again, not enough info.

[NeonKaos]

Ygirl,

I am truly sorry for the difficulties you are having in forming this relationship. It is important to note that, beyond the "internal" fears I focussed on in my post, there are also "external" factors that may play a part. I do not presume to know the social circle of you or the guy involved so this is from my experience with the personalities I know in my social environment. I am military so things can be a bit rough.


Maybe you should have him read my posts just so he can see this from my perspective. Trust me, if he is not completely into this relationship he will be torn apart by it, possibly without you ever knowing. I am no expert but my opinions are based on experience, real and felt.


Thank you for your message. We are both about as non-military in our social circles as you could possibly get (myself probably more so).

I've chosen to back off and work on my own self, and let him come to me at his own pace. The only thing I regret is not having kept in touch with him throughout the past 20 years, and there's no way to change that now. I'm not sure if reading the messages on this forum would help, but if it ever appears to me that he WANTS to do so, I will certainly show them to him.

I'm reading the Ravenscroft book now (Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful). It's very easy to read despite the reviews. One can open it up to any page at random and engage... The only thing I dislike about it is the small print. This book is useful for ANY type of relationship or figuring out what it is that makes yourself tick.

[MonoVCPHG]

Sincerely best of luck in your journey, Ygirl. Honestly, I hope you find a like minded partner. Us monogamous guys are a lot of work..just ask Redpepper!! She loves me like crazy though..but not as much as i love her..just kidding:)

[Lemondrop]

Honestly, I always thought of myself as devoutly monogamous, too. I've never had a relationship where I felt the need to look outside for fulfillment. I've been married to the same man for nearly 19 years. And I certainly didn't look for polyamory, ever. I am happy in my marriage. I love my husband deeply, passionately, whole-heartedly. Our sex life is wonderful.

I'm still struggling to understand how I ended up in a polyamorous relationship. I was *so grounded* in being monogamous. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I thought in absolutes, too, and I was very, very monogamous. But falling in love happened to me anyway, and I don't think it's taken away from any of my relationships. I think it's made my marriage better in ways I hadn't even dreamed of. I'm not saying you don't know yourself, just that sometimes you'd be surprised.

[MonoVCPHG]

Trust me; I understand how loving more than one person doesn't have to take away from another relationship. My relationship with Redpepper and her husband is based on that. I think it is wonderful really..painful and difficult at times but incredibly fulfilling.

There is no intention for judgement in any of my posts. I have no desire to debate love styles or predict the future I just want to share.

I and Redpepper just talked about the scenario you described last night. Is your husband polyamorous too? I am always in awe of partners in established monogamous relationships that can cope with even the suggestion that their partner wants someone else intimately. I was very clear with her in stating that given a relationship based on monogamist expectations towards intimacy..like my own 16 year marriage...if my wife had mentioned she wanted a relationship with another man I would have left..no questions asked, no options. I covered that extensively in another post.

Even now after all I have learned, if somehow I were to end up in a monogamist based relationship and my lover made the same request, I would be gone. The difference is, I entered into my polyamorous relationship with Redpepper with a full understanding of it's basis. I love her with all my heart and she has just as much love for me. I love her ability to love without limits and am blessed by her in my life.
Thank you for your comment and I am glad you are bringing so much love into your life :)

[Lemondrop]

To the best of my knowledge, my husband was not polyamorous. I've asked him a few times over the course of our marriage whether he was interested in finding other women, but I confess that I made it clear that the choice was only available after he divorced me. I was emphatic that I was monogamous and expected the same of any person I was involved with. I am not the best polyamorous candidate ever. Again, I am stunned that I'm standing where I am today.

To be fair, no one said, "I want someone else." To me, it was presented as, "Hey, I love you. We love you. We love you both. We want you in our lives permanently in whatever way possible." I don't know if my husband was seeking this--he assures me that he wasn't, and will only do what I'm willing to do--but I think it happened in the only way I would have been open to--friendship first, followed by growing feelings of love. No one pushed me for anything intimate. And, of course, no one even implied that I wasn't enough for them. Everyone involved went out of their way to be sure that I felt like they were desirous of me. It's quite heady to feel like three people are pursuing you! There have been a few times when I was quite jealous of my husband's relationship with our other female partner--not intimate, though, just the time they spent together--and felt that perhaps he would be happier with her. But I've always profited from their time together, because she has helped him understand my needs better and helped us improve our communication.

I think that I would have been like you, that if my husband had come to me and said, "Honey, I'm interested in seeing another woman" I would have come unglued. I can't think of any scenario that would have kept me from crying and screaming and throwing things at him. Even if I had eventually said yes, I would have resented him for not finding what he needed in me. It would have been the death of our relationship, even if we stayed married. This is definitely a case of right time, right place, right people.

I have to run out the door, but I'm enjoying this discussion.

[MonoVCPHG]

Hi Lemondrop. I will quote a bit of your other post first.

"I was upset and uncomfortable.
But what happened the FIRST TIME we all got together as a group? I got left out. I WANT to believe that everyone loves me and this won't keep happening. But what has happened is I feel like 1) I'm not important. 2) My husband is into this and I can't do it for him. Worse, he didn't even bring his appetite to me afterwards, so he is eventually going to realize that he isn't interested in me. 3) I'm always going to take second fiddle to Wife#2. 4) Because this was all done unintentionally, this is what they REALLY want and they just don't realize it yet."

This comment has caused me a lot of pain and a degree of anger. I must admit there are others much more experienced in this situation. I am pulling away for a bit to see if I have anything to offer as well as if I can approach it objectively.

I have an amazing polyamorous relationship and it is very difficult for me to think of the pain some people on here are going through..I am so grateful to Redpepper and her husband..I am very, very lucky..and sad that others are struggling. This is not easy and I feel the things you do at times but this is so worth it when everyone communicates 100% honestly and identifies what they need and want.

I am so in love with Redpepper I could bust and would feel guilty if I didn't know she loved her husband just as much. She does..it is on her face and in her eyes when she looks at him..I love seeing them together. They are sacred to me which is why this works so well for me and fills us with happiness.

I hope you are getting the support you need.

[Lemondrop]

Well, I have already admitted that I have self-esteem issues that I'm working on. I think I've made some good progress, and I'm feeling happier. I will say that after I talked to the others, they admitted that they were all terrified that they would hurt me. They all knew that they were okay with being polyamorous, but they were so afraid that I wasn't sure of myself that when I got uncomfortable they just froze up.

And I got some good advice on this forum which helped us all immensely. Communication between the four of us is much, much better now. We've hammered out some rules and made a few more mistakes. A wonderful side effect is that communication with my husband has improved greatly. I think we've had more effective communication in the last two weeks than we've had in the last two years.

Please don't suffer pain or anger on my behalf. I was hurting, but communication resolved the situation, and my partners have all made a huge effort to reassure me of their love. All relationships have some hiccups.

[MonoVCPHG]

I am happy for you. I am extremely lucky and happy to have my relationship with Redpepper and in having the friendship of her husband and family.

Tonight I hung out with thier son so they could have a datenight dinner. Tomorrow, me and her husband are going to a Poly meeting to discuss peoples concepts and definitions of Polyamory. I am the only identified monogamous person there which is very interesting.
I am on the outside in many respects with thier aproach to love and certainly sex. I completely understand compersion but doubt if I will ever truly understand polyamory on a heart/soul level from the point of view of those that enjoy it. Regardless, I am in fact in a polyamorous relationship that I love and feel loved in.
Best of everything, Lemondrop

[redpepper]

communication and feeling loved is so important. Have you ever heard of the book "the five love languages" very helpful in understanding how we need to be loved and how others like to receive love. I highly suggest it.

Glad things are moving along and you are okay

[River]

I don't know how to be completely and totally devoted to two people in the same room. I'm at an absolute loss. How does that work? What should I do?

I'd advise taking some very quiet introspective time, as much as is needed, to examine what unconscious beliefs may be involved, here. Or, if quiet, solitary introspection isn't your forte, find a highly trusted friend who can help you think-talk your way into it. I suspect that there is probably one of these subconscious beliefs at work in this pattern of feeling. Perhaps, you worry (consciously or otherwise) that there may be jealousies arising from inequal attention to your lovers-in-the-same-room? Maybe you feel that it is incumbent upon you to insure that such jealousy doesn't arise, or that if it arises, perhaps you feel you must somehow handle the situation in top form? That sounds like a bit of pressure!, a heap of responsibility. Maybe you could distribute the burden by not accepting it all? Let the others assume some?

Wild guesses -- but I've been there. Fortunately, I was able to express great affection toward my new (though brief) love with my longtime lover right by my side.

Maybe you can talk with each of them about this challenge you are facing and enlist them in assisting you in your inquiry and in your process?

[CDarklock]

Perhaps, you worry (consciously or otherwise) that there may be jealousies arising from inequal attention to your lovers-in-the-same-room?

Primarily, I worry that people don't say what they mean, don't know what they want, and claim not to mind when they really mind a whole lot. I don't have any experience with this, and I have to rely on what people communicate. But my wife is just about the shittiest communicator on the planet, so I'm relying on something completely unreliable.

[River]

http://tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:zjwGhw9oXeqbOM:http://kara.allthingsd.com/files/2009/02/scooby_doo_2.jpg
Rut-roh!

[MonoVCPHG]

Just a quick update on my own personal fears.

I used to tell Redpepper I had to prepare myself continuously for her to fall in love with someone else (OK..fall in love might be a strong word. I like the love aspect of polyamory, I don't like the casual sex aspect of swinging or "hobby sex" which to me is not polyamory)...or several someone else’s LOL! I explained it as not wanting to get secure and then have the carpet pulled out from underneath me.

It's ok to be prepared or accept that new relationships are a possibility but to dwell on it and withdrawal every time a new friend is mentioned is extremely unhealthy. I was approaching some things wrongly because of my inexperience. It is at times difficult for me to be in an environment where (in my perspective) everyone is sizing each other up to see if sharing love, and therefore sex, is possible. I had been using over preparation as a defence mechanism but it was also blocking some of the incredible love and trust that flows between us.

I have moved on from that fear and now am feeling an even greater depth to our relationship. I stepped off the carpet and now stand on hard wood..much more difficult to pull!

[AutumnalTone]

Uh, I never had any problems having my wife and (now former) girlfriend in the same room at the same time. The thought that there might be some problem never crossed my mind. Heck, we went camping together and slept in the same tent--my gf and I woke up my wife early the next morning making noise while fucking. My wife looked to see what was making the noise, saw it was us, rolled over and went back to sleep.

I don't think I can help you with this. My experience doesn't include any sort of discomfort with having wife and gf around at the same time. I would think it odd that one of them had any problem with me showing affection to the other.

[AutumnalTone]

...as monoVCPHG's girlfriend (seems such a small word in light of my huge love for you!).


Aye, our vocabulary lacks terms that we would find useful. The terms "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" aren't really appropriate for committed adult relationships to begin with, and to use them in conjunction with committed poly couplings doesn't really seem to provide the correct connotations of the nature of the relationships.

Those terms, however, are what we have to work with. I've yet to see any suggestions for alternate terms that I found acceptable.

[marianna]

i actually have a huge fear of loss...well..ok..in general - but particularly in this new quad relationship. While he and i have known each other for years - this is a way different interaction. And since i'm the newest on the scene, i feel the most "disposable" for lack of a better word. The person who's most likely to be let go of if time/energy/whatever becomes an issue. i think that is mostly likely related to my own inner issues, and i'm more than happy to take responsibility for those. And i'm learning to sit with my fear, because honestly and truly, that type of security cannot come from really anywhere outside of myself. And if that happens, at least i can say that i didn't sabotage anything. Just taking this a day at a time some days, but i'm still breathing :).

mari

[MonoVCPHG]

I guess the difference for me is my fear was generated from the unknown of possible other new Lovers that may replace me as the "new guy".

I was not afraid to be cast aside by those already involved. I would step aside if they asked me to or if I thought I was hurting Redpepper's primary relationship with her husband.

My happiness in our polyamorous relationship is dependant on the well being of Redpepper and her family as well as in the immense love and passion we have. If thier happiness required me to not being an intimate person in Redpepper's life, I would gracefully reshape and re-direct my love for her but still be a part of thier lives if they wanted. She would still be my most trusted friend. This is not an indication of a "lack" of love, but an indication of the overwhelming extent of love I have for her.

Security does indeed come from inside to a great extent. But always tell your partners what you are feeling. It is a process that most will experience. You are not alone :)

[River]

Security does indeed come from inside to a great extent. But always tell your partners what you are feeling.

Everything is inside our experience and our relationships for us. (I include here our relationship not only with other humans, but also everything else in existence.) Nothing is outside, ultimately. Security sought from within the mistaken projection of an ultimate 'outside' or 'inside' is probably doomed to failure. No one "out there" can provide us with security. And no absolute interior -- "in here" -- can be found. No one is really entirely "out there". We're all in here, in some sense. That is, we're all in this pattern of relating which is our world.

[MonoVCPHG]

Nicely put my friend...nicely put.

[MonoVCPHG]

Just a quick comment about a related incident to fearing loss in any relationship.

A while back Redpepper and I had a relatively large misunderstanding of what each other needed to work towards our future. It gave us a brief and extremely painful glimpse of what losing each other would feel like. Luckily we both put our noses to the grindstone and spent a couple of exhausting days arriving at full understanding of what we really meant.

It was sickening for both of us but also taught us that our love and what we are building is worth a huge amount of work. Her husband was instrumental in grounding us as we became so wrapped up with the future that it was eating away at our present. We were trying to look at things in the future from the perspective of who we are today. That can be a very slippery slope.

I recommend having goals but not getting too caught up in the details. Certainly live in the present, not the future. Enjoy every minute with the people you love because those minutes will inevitably be the future and you'll probably wonder why you were so concerned...:)

Take care everyone

[MonoVCPHG]

The basis of this thread are unchanged. I only want to say that fear is no longer a part of my daily emotions...hope, dedication and love have washed over my once almost unbearable fear. Now I move forward in awe of what we are creating...conscience and aware of how special this truly is.