The Rare Life

[Rarechild]

I've been wanting to write to you all about what's been happening w/ Catfish and I for a couple of weeks, but I think I needed to process more with him first before I reached out.

The time has come for the the real life test of how I will deal with Catfish having a special relationship with someone else.

I have had a couple of experiences that are pretty low key, one online with a man in the desert in California(S), one with someone more local that I've known for years that didn't really go beyond reaffirmation of friendship(J). I also carry on a very close emotional relationship on the phone with a friend of both of ours who has moved to Arizona, but he and I have not talked about the romantic element of our relationship, though we have finally had a couple of conversations about poly recently, one last night, because I really needed to talk about this:

I am going to try to just state the facts here because there has been so much conversation and so many ups and downs and madly beating hearts the last couple of weeks.

(OMG it feels so good to be writing what I want to write! Just finished the semester yesterday)

I'm going to preface this with the fact that overall, Catfish's connection to this woman, K, has overall been positive. Right now I feel good. I feel trusting/trusted, respected, loved, sexually gratified-all the good stuff. But I must admit I'm still scared.

K and Catfish have been friends for 10 years. When I moved out of the house last winter, before Catfish and I opened our relationship to poly, K and C were talking a lot. There were definitely feeling between the two of them, getting closer at a time when C and I were at an impasse in our relationship. At the time, I was very angry about this, as I was about most things then. When I called him out he denied it. She acted like she didn't know what I was going on about. C and I fought over this.

Cut to two months ago, C and I talk about relationships that we currently have that have potential to be freed in some way. K is the first person on C's list. Not a big surprise, I probably initiated that discussion myself. I have come to dislike doing anything that implies that I own C in any way, and my thinking on K is that I can't deny that the two of them have a special bond. Why would I? That would only serve to perpetuate anger, resentment, and intensify the forbidden fruit thing they had going on.

So C brought it up to K. Lots of messages back and forth, between all of us, tons of conversations, love sessions between C and I, and caring gestures later and we're all three planning to get together in the next week or so.

I have powered through my very real insecurities, jealousy, and mistrust of K because of my anger towards she and C in the past for being cagey with me, with the following rule: I can feel any feeling I have in my body and mind, but I can't use anger, manipulation, or ownership/power plays to express it internally or externally.

It's hard to lack those devices to cope. I have by no means conquered my fears about this particular woman, but here are some positive things that have come of this so far, and I really can't qualify any real negative things that have had no value to me.

C and I have been so close through this, discovered deeper trust, had great sex, supported each other, laughed. Been strong.

K and I finally get to settle the score, whether or not I'm the only with a score to settle. :) I was hurt in the past not only because C was evasive with his feelings, but because when I met K, we really got along, hit on each other even, and then suddenly we were rivals. K and I have a lot in common. I am actually really looking forward to getting to know her.

For one flash-bulb moment the other day, I felt total compersion. C was beaming, getting so much attention and kindness from two amazing women just made him beautific. It was infectious.

Friends, I welcome your questions and comments. This has been so hard but rewarding as all hell so far. I am still afraid but I feel brave.

:) Last night I had a poly dream, don't remember it clearly but I was wearing different pretty dresses, going in and out of rooms, embracing people, and I went out into the street- looked like Manhattan- J was standing there with his family and it was a surprise and he picked me up around the waist and just hugged me for a long time. I woke up feeling deeply loved.

[GroundedSpirit]

HI Rarechild,

Wow - happy holidays ! Seems like it has potential to be a good one for you.
I think it's important to keep in mind that probably a majority of people right now that find themselves in poly situations have gotten there by the steep trail. Let's face it, it's not a lovestyle thats commonly know and discussed in the public (yet). So most of seem to hit the water sideways getting in but the real test of character off all involved seems to shine through in enough cases to float the whole theory of possibility.
It would be awesome if everyone knew of these potentialities at age 17 and could enter in less dramatic ways but that just doesn't seem to be where our culture is at yet. But when you have truly loving kind people sometimes you can wipe up the blood and move forward like it was all planned from the beginning :0
I hope that happens to you guys !

GS

[MonoVCPHG]

Thanks for sharing Rarechild....you are both very lucky :)
Peace and Love
Mono

[Catfish]

beautific.

...doesn't begin to describe it.

p.s. I love that you correct your own spelling mistakes

[constlady]

For one flash-bulb moment the other day, I felt total compersion. C was beaming, getting so much attention and kindness from two amazing women just made him beautific. It was infectious.


And these moments are what makes all the rest worth going through!

[greenearthal]

Thanks for the share.

Congratulations on finishing the semester.

I do believe that in the end all of these struggles are well worth it.

[redpepper]

good to catch up with you :) thanks for that....

*hugs*

[Rarechild]

I can feel any feeling I have in my body and mind, but I can't use anger, manipulation, or ownership/power plays to express it internally or externally.


I needed to read this again. Today's the day.

[Fidelia]

Wow! How exciting!

Thanks for opening up to all of us and sharing this beautiful/scary/wonderful moment in you life.

*hugs*

[Rarechild]

She is great. We are great. We took the drive together 2.5 hours to her home and she was so wonderful and sincere and gracious. We didn't actually talk about anything poly-related, though there were some kind of funny metaphor conversations that happened around her dog, who was being very protective of her and looking to her for permission to be pet by us. :)

We ate and drank wine and she and I got to know each other, while Catfish stayed mostly in the background beaming. I can really see why C is attracted to her- I found I am as well, and she is very easy to be affectionate with. Both she and I were so relieved to be able to look each other in the eye, to hug, to smile at each other and show each other kindness.

I had an extra glass of wine with her at her urging before we left because she wanted us to stay, and that may have had a little to do with my emotional outpouring on the way home. I cried like a baby. The thing that struck me the most was that going in to this, I had lots of old feelings of jealousy about her and C's friendship, and I guess I expected to find some kind of fault with her to hold on the last vestiges of control, to feel superior or untouchable, like C could never really fall for her.

I was denied this because she is a great person. I couldn't ignore that. It made me feel really faced with myself, my choices to explore this lovestyle. The crying I did was the good, cathartic kind- I could feel myself growing. The reality of C having a relationship with someone I can see as my equal is still scary to me, but it's really a beautiful thing.

Last night, she and I had a wonderful conversation online, as we had before we went to visit her, and she has expressed respect and love for me, and a desire to be a friend to both of us first. She is very understanding of what C and I are going through and has said many times that as long as she can be in our lives as a friend, she considers herself lucky. I told her truthfully that I know she belongs in our family, I just don't know how yet. There are lots of possibilities here, but she and C are being wonderful to me and going at my pace. I have found great satisfaction in giving that love back to both of them, and being generous, even when I'm scared.

At first I thought she would be the hardest person to deal with C having a relationship with because of our history of misunderstanding each other. Now I see that she is in fact the best person C could have chosen to open up to, because they have been friends for so long, and she is willing to be that kind of a friend to me.

At the very least, she and C can now carry on their friendship without worrying about how I will take it, and I have gained the friendship of a beautiful woman. At most, who knows? I feel good most of the time about this, and when I feel bad, I know it's mostly my own issues rearing their ugly heads on me- but that gives me an opportunity to face them.

I love Catfish more and more with each day that passes, and I am so happy to see him growing too, and trust building both ways between us. I'm pretty floored at how this whole thing has given the three of us an opportunity to shine so bright on each other, and I'm grateful.

[NeonKaos]

That was a great story! I'm very happy for you's and hope that things continue along these lines. Thanks for sharing!

[greenearthal]

There are a lot of elements in your story that remind me of elements of my own story. Sometimes with the rolls reversed and sometimes without. But still... strongly reminded.

Keep on following your joy.

[redpepper]

This is awesome Rarechild! I'm so happy things are coming together and that the door opened is proving to be the right choice.

Lots of love to you, you are indeed a strong woman. I admire that.

[MonoVCPHG]

This is a great and inspiring story my friend! We need more of these :)

[redsirenn]

I can feel any feeling I have in my body and mind, but I can't use anger, manipulation, or ownership/power plays to express it internally or externally.

I really love this. Thanks.

[shagra]

Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
I can feel any feeling I have in my body and mind, but I can't use anger, manipulation, or ownership/power plays to express it internally or externally.
i too love this.
i am very happy for you!
i feel some ties to your story. i am really looking forward to my wonderful life.

[Rarechild]

K is coming over next Saturday. We've not seen her since late December when we traveled to see her, and she was traveling so now it's her turn to come see us. Us, it's become. In the interim, she and I have done some chatting online and I have been more in contact with her than she and C have been.

She and I have found it very natural to be completely open with one another, and our relationship has deepened as we appreciate each other more and more, and are generous with each other in all sorts of ways. It feels good.

The other night we had a great conversation in which we revealed a lot about our hopes, fears, best case scenarios and worst case scenarios for this entanglement between the three of us. It seems all three of us are treading lightly towards this being something that involves all of us, and that feels great to me. She expressed to me that she loves how C and I love each other, and sees us as a unit, and ideally wants to be able to take part in that love somehow. Cuddling on the couch in a nice, comfy, non-sexual heap has been mentioned more than once. That sounds really nice to me.

As a result of this wonderful communication between her and I, a strange thing has happened; C is now thinking that maybe I have more to offer K than he does, and is nervous about the two of us developing a deeper relationship than the two of them have. I never foresaw this as a possibility when we were first getting into this,- that C would feel this twinge of jealousy.

The hardest thing about getting off the ground with all of our feelings is the geographical distance between our two homes, and the fact that so much planning is required for either of us to see her. I know that all of us would like to see each other more frequently in person. As it is, that's not possible, and the result of that is that when we do get to see each other, the anticipation drags on waiting for these times, and also, there's no good way for either C or I to be able to spend time with K separately- when there is a chance it just makes more sense to see each other together. I wish it was possible for us to have more regular, spontaneous time with one another separately or as a group.

So yeah, lots of waiting, lots of conjecture, not enough eye-to-eye. Not that I'm complaining. I didn't expect to be missing her so much. I'm really exited for Saturday- dinner and wine and a fire in the fireplace- and time to talk and maybe get to communicate some beautiful feelings both verbally and non-verbally.

The look on C's face the other day when he said, "She deserves so much, just imagine, with all the love we have to give, how wonderful it would be to just shower her with it when we can" that look, and that sentiment, is staying with me and making me very happy about where all of this is going. I truly feel safe in this situation, and the two of them have really shown me love in ways I've never experienced before. I'm a lucky gal, and I love my husband so much for who he is and the way that the love between us has grown so much that we have enough to share with beautiful K.

[River]

The look on C's face the other day when he said, "She deserves so much, just imagine, with all the love we have to give, how wonderful it would be to just shower her with it when we can" that look, and that sentiment, is staying with me and making me very happy about where all of this is going.



http://www.google.com/url?q=http://s0.ilike.com/play%23James%2BTaylor:Shower%2BThe%2BPeople:10763: s126146.11359.799605.1.1.80%252Cstd_b9b9282cbad50e e3bdc6568d2b8c1e0c&ei=DMtgS83eDaOgtgPBgOW6BQ&sa=X&oi=music_play_track&resnum=1&ct=result&cd=2&ved=0CAgQ0wQoADAA&usg=AFQjCNHOYENZMmp_IsDU_RdivvM2c-e6yQ

[Rarechild]

I love James Taylor. He is something of an icon of what a man should be to me in a weird way. My dad liked him very much as did my brother and I who would sing along in the truck as my dad played air piano on the dashboard.

Shel Silverstein is somehow also in this category for me. I guess I like a poet with a guitar. :) (Catfish has several)

Thanks, River,- that made me well up a little and I appreciate the sentiment.

[River]

I also love James Taylor. That song almost always makes tears rise up. It's a great song!

[Rarechild]

Catfish and I are having K over for dinner tonight and we're both really looking forward to it. I'm making a chicken and we're going to have a fire and drink some wine and talk; maybe go to a show later on.

I have had some anxiety about this date but mostly because she is staying overnight as it would be silly for her to go the 2.5 hours home afterward. Mostly, though, I feel really good doing everything I can to make her feel welcome in our home, and I am looking forward to the chance for us to all normalize a bit with each other- to finally all be physically in a room together, comfortable and hopefully able to talk face-to-face about things.

K's friend died yesterday, unfortunately, so I want to hug her even more than I did before, which was a lot.

C and I are doing great telling each other what our feelings are regarding K and I'm really proud of us- I feel really privileged to be in his life, and to have such a beautiful love connection with him that has allowed us to get to this point with each other. We are totally agreed that K is someone we want in our family, however that may play out, and we are both excited to get to spend some time with her, try to make her laugh, hug the crap out of her, and just enjoy ourselves.

Yes, I'm nervous, but I suspect that will all fade away when she walks in the door.

The biggest victory I'm feeling right now is that I'm not so afraid of myself, because I know I've said everything that's on my heart to C, and I know that K is not my rival. I am realizing that the fear of my reaction to any one of the infinite possibilities of situations I could dream up and worry over comes from a feeling of not being understood or valued. I feel very loved and valued today, and I have made sure that I am understood by C, so the fear has no hold on me. I am not afraid at all, I just feel open- open heart, open arms, open mind. I am safe and I have taken responsibility for getting to this safe place. It's cold outside but it's warm in my home today.

[Sandy]

It sounds like everyone may have some nervousness in such a situation. Good for you for discussing all of your feelings with C. I admit that I often feel like my boyfriend's prospects are competition to me. It sounds like you took your fear and explored it and now understand it. You are a brave woman, you will reap the benefits.

[MonoVCPHG]

The biggest victory I'm feeling right now is that I'm not so afraid of myself, because I know I've said everything that's on my heart to C,

This is great Rarechild :) You guys are inspiring. Take care

Peace and Love
Mono

[Rarechild]

The first twenty-six hours were not without challenges, but I was so proud of myself and my husband and valuable, wonderful things were happening. It was hour twenty-seven when everything got fucked up.

I am sad and hurt and can't wait to be able to sleep on it and hopefully feel better tomorrow. Right now I can't sleep and can't cuddle into my husband who is sleeping soundly next to me, because it makes me cry again.

[MonoVCPHG]

Oh Rarechild, I am sorry to hear this :( Get some rest, regroup and feel free to call on Redpepper, Polynerdist and myself at any time through any medium.

Take care
Mono

[greenearthal]

Hopefully you've managed to get to sleep, and hopefully you'll wake up with a bit more distance from yesterday. And then hopefully mutually beneficial resolutions will blossom from the roots that you both have been so dutifully spreading out.

[Rarechild]

Thanks for the kind words. I feel the love. I'll write more later when I get my head on straight.

[River]

Holding you all in warm thoughts and wishes .... Betting it all works out in the direction of dazzling goodness.

Exhuasted, myself. (Not much sleep last night.) But wanting to announce my own new love: eight plus acres south thirty miles .... Potential small community land. Land with bald eagle and bosque (look it up) a short walk away ... sandhill cranes, earthworms, a river .... Cottonwood tree hugged me back and silently welcomed me to the neighborhood.

Feeling and thinking into this fear we all have about any sort of love. Peeling back to where the love is, regardless of fear. Knowing that as the true root and branches of love.

[Rarechild]

thanks all for being supportive. River- your new love sounds amazing- keep us updated on that one.

[MonoVCPHG]

I am definitely lost here.

I can't even come up with the words to express myself in this. I feel for you and C. Never doubt that you are both incredibly strong, stronger than I could be in that journey.

Take care Rarechild

[River]

Rare-Fish,

So you've learned that this is powerful magic, and maybe a little dangerous. Good. But don't give up on each other, or her. That's my suggestion. Instead, hold -- as much as possible -- a place of warmth, love, tenderness, and forgiveness toward firstly each of yourselves, then toward each of the others--the three of you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you become a door mat. It means you keep your hearts open and you keep the communication open -- but in light of the liberty of forgiveness and open-heartedness.

Next time, I'm sure, you won't invite the powerful magic of alcohol, at least not in large doeses, into the other powerful magic you're experimenting with.

You're going to do fine. You're all good--albeit, imperfect--human beings, each worthy of love and forgiveness toward one another and toward (especially) yourselves. Good lovers are firstly good friends. Keep that in mind over the next several days. This is a time to deepen and cultivate your friendship. And if and when you all get naked with each other again (or whatever), do so sober -- if drunk on the healing balm of your love.

[redpepper]

You sent me your post in a PM and I replied there, but I wanted to send you a huge hug and wanted to tell you that I am sending you my love and support anytime you need it and as always.

:)

[Rarechild]

I will try to make this brief, as I have plans to hole up in the studio today on my second snow-day from classes.

First of all thanks to everyone who inquired privately as to what was going on and offered help and support.

Catfish and I are fine. We are identifying where we took a wrong turn and have almost exhausted ourselves exploring why and what happens next (or rather I may have exhausted him:).

The situation that upset me had a few components, and looking at them with a week's distance the most striking thing to me about the fact that boundaries were crossed (mine and turns out K's!) is that I did not have more courage to voice my own or follow them. I feel terrible that this has created turmoil where there was such hope in all of us that this would be such a lovely thing. But it's not realistic to expect a good outcome when you've not done the work to get yourself in a solid place. I am working on forgiving myself for this, which has been more difficult than forgiving the others. C and I are at the point of re-evaluation of what we are truly open to, and I think we've made progress, though there is still lots of work ahead and we will have to just live it and figure it out as we go as best as we can. We certainly will not force anything.

River, I've been thinking about what you said about powerful majic, and you are right on. If I do say so myself, all of us three are quite beautiful, and for my part as well as C's- we got caught up in the rush of that and blundered. Not such a horrible crime but I am now conscious of how eager I am to have a relationship with a woman again that I can be reckless with my heart.

So, I am having a relationship with her. I am being her friend and being honest even about the things I'm not proud of. I am not shutting her out or ignoring her- in fact we have connected in a very special way as we are both writers and find a stimulating challenge in expressing with words things we've never been able to pin down about ourselves. The polite "What's going on with this or that, if you don't mind me asking" is turning into something much more real and we find we have a great capacity to understand one another. For my part, she has become so much less an element of a concept blurred by second guesses and long-held desires, and I am finding out who she really is. (learning lots about who I am at the same time)

As to me and C, we are back to kind and loving (we were the whole time, as well as we know how which is pretty amazing), but I know the big questions this situation has brought up will still take some work to resolve. Right now we are trying to leave it alone for a few days and I look forward to the work and the restoration of unburdened joy I know will be a result.

-R

[NeonKaos]

I never doubted you for a moment.

Enjoy your snow-day!

[redpepper]

:)

[classycaveman]

Just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your experiences, I'm very new to the forum and finding out just how new I really am to polyamory as well. Just soaking up more great info than I ever expected to find! Your story has shone a light on some of my mistakes in the past, and how I can do better. Hope to hear more good things about you, C and K. Thanks again! :):):)

[Rarechild]

In Kalamazoo, we've been lucky enough to have some sunshine the last few days, and the snow has receded for a minute again. We have had a good supply of firewood this year given to us by various folks, and so many times as I read through posts on here I am stoking the flames. I am a total pyromaniac and a blacksmith without a forge, so this is important to me. :)

Catfish and I have been going through some lean times financially, but are much in love and bonding all the time by putting our shoulders to the boulder so to speak, side by side, and finding joy in working together on the very same issues that have driven us apart in the past.

I am realizing the beauty of the truth in all areas of my life. The truth about our dreams is the most tantalizing-the possibilities of bliss and accomplishment. I am seeing that there are many other truths to uncover in the process that can set us free and lead us to the dreams right now-the truth about our shortcomings, our grievances, resentment, human nature, financial situation, etc. Taking away the proud denial that keeps me paralyzed when I feel shame about having failed at something allows me to see how to find a solution. Taking away false pride also makes clear the things I have done right that I should be proud of, and what I am capable of doing right now that will bring happiness to myself and those I love.

My philosophy professor would call that my "capital-T Truth", or part of it at least. It does feel fundamental, the way I have seen myself change into a happier person over this last year. I have always wanted peace inside, and I can feel that now, even in the hardest times, because I trust myself. The perfectionism coupled with obsession that I've been plagued with in the past has started to transform into a healthy integrity in the things I do with passion. I forgive myself and others more. I can hardly justify self-pity, manipulation, or nastiness. I can feel my power to change my own life and the lives of others however I want to, and the power comes from earned self-worth. A little at a time.

It is amazing to me to realize that qualities I have that I have felt in the past were bad or destructive are, in fact, my strengths not yet fleshed out. I am growing into my soul as I make peace with my physical environment, and the urge to run lessens all the time.

That felt great to write. Most of the time I am on here I am reading through as many posts as possible, enjoying everything this site has to offer and all of your thoughts, and I don't get the time to reply in many threads I find really interesting. When I do write in here, it's mostly about drama,(in my life or on the site :) ) not about the big picture and what I am doing about my challenges. Thanks all for helping to build this site and for all of your contributions. I get a lot out of this site every day, and it has become a part of my personal growth, no doubt.

I am thankful to be growing, and ready for spring.
-R

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm thankful you continue to share with us:)

[Catfish]

I am thankful to be your partner. My shoulders are getting stronger everyday.

[Rarechild]

I am charmed to my soul. Powerful majic comes at me in waves, like when you’re in a dream, watching it all go down, and knowing the story has been birthed from the deepest regions of your consciousness. In awe but holding steady as you watch the world change colors.

I am so loved. I have no choice but to be strong enough to mind the tension on all the hearts tied to mine with leather cord, steel wire and bright ribbon, making sure to maintain slack and not constrict the beautiful freedom of my dear ones.

I am in love many times over, conjuring patience and sunlight, setting my table for a feast.

[MonoVCPHG]

WOW!...I can't say anything else :)

[Fidelia]

Wow.

Beautiful.

[Rarechild]

A thin façade of denim and leather hides my utter nakedness.
The sound of the fire and their eyes,-smell of winter and sawdust and coal smoke

Nothing but grateful prayer on my lips
Oh, Universe, you really shouldn't have!
No, don't stop-
You are marvelous.

Yes I will come up swinging my big love hammer every time, can't help it

My gut corrects me swiftly when I feel desperate, worried, solitary, not enough

Rewarded when I resolutely hold my center, don't back down, let go.

There is well-made cocoon I find inside where I can choose to rest back and know without deliberation who I am in this moment because I’m not sorry.

Big bolts of tenderness stop the rattling apart of this ambitious structure and hold us to our dreams.

[Magdlyn]

Lovely love poems :o

[Jodi]

i really like ur poems, inspire me. thanks.

[Rarechild]

I think it's the new year that is causing me to focus on timelines, or maybe it's the fact that momentous occasions continue to rain down on me, ringing my bell hard, and I am in need of a way to pin it all down into a linear image.

About a year and a half ago, I joined this forum. Husband Catfish(CF) and I were fighting our way out of a deep hole we'd been in over the winter. I had moved out for a few months, spoken of divorce, moved back in for a last shot and so very fortunately and with many tears, found a way to see each other clearly again (full version in previous posts).

The opening of our chests to reveal our hearts to each other and our loved ones was, of course, monumental. We just keep getting happier, even as we tackle all the things we’ve always been intimidated by in ourselves and the world around us.

We have been to the mountain, and by god we’re here to tell the story to all the blessed souls that surround us. Plus, we’re going up there again and we’re not fucking scared.

The respect that I feel for CF is sacred. I have never trusted a person. Never. In six years I have learned to see him as he is without my projections of what he should do or be, or give to me, and he is more than beautiful, trustworthy, brave, intelligent. He has taught me so much and I am in love with him forever, bonded in battle and victory.

You should see him fucking sing, oh, that divine husband of mine, tossing his hair, blue eyes a-sparkling- I am the envy of every man and woman we know. Seriously, it’s ridiculous. Furthermore, he is endearingly unaware of his wiles. He is far from satisfied, and I love him for his serenely fierce growing force, among so many other things. He teaches people how to be themselves and doesn't notice...Dang (book).

A year and a half before I joined the forum (2007-08ish), I met Charlie(CH). My life has been a weird art movie ever since. I suppose it always was, but I noticed it then, actually I believe it was Catfish that said those particular words.

CH and I worked at a private art school together, me in the gallery, selling his work, he teaching all manner of metalworking, and I took most of his classes. Staff had 24-hour access to the seriously fine facility, and we did all manner of majical things (book) on and off the clock with metal, sand, paint, flora, firebrick, chalk, wax, paper, and on and on and on. All the time-it was amazing. I had never been in league with such a group of people who did such concrete things with the stirring of their souls. It is important to say that my boss was CH's girlfriend and they lived together. I had a front row seat to the entirety of their relationship from beginning to end. When it did end, CH came to live with CF and me for a couple of months before moving across the country. Concurrent events: I lost my job, I started school, I cheated on CF, I moved out-hmmm. Yeah.

Lots of earth-shaking transition. I will let Charlie tell the tale of his journey abroad if he wishes, but I guess I should spell out that as soon as we met, we were familiar. I mean that in the most profound stretch of the word. He just lit me right up, his ways, his energy. He lights everybody up, no matter who they are. We spent lots of time working together, talking, moving in space around one another. His smell, his eyes, I realized with gravity that I was in love with him one day when I saw him curled up on the floor sleeping.

He lit Catfish up too, and they became friends, especially during the few months CH came to live with us. CF could see my glow on CH, and teasingly, with a smile, got me to admit it once Charlie left. I didn't feel like I was being subtle, but I never told Charlie outright. He was dealing with his own life and we hung on to each other’s hands, brother and sister, over the phone for a long time.

The fact that I was not free to tell Charlie the way he made me feel broke my heart at first. My life was not such that I had any right to tell him, and I’m glad I didn’t. Instead, I loved him by listening, by being there even if he didn’t call for awhile, ready to smile. I loved him by getting to work on the holes in my life that made my attraction to him feel dirty to me, like I wanted to use him to solve my problems. He is much too precious for that, and so is Catfish. I took all the frustration out on myself in mostly productive ways and learned a lot about who I am.

Cut to September 2010. Catfish and I have been happy for a while now. We have taken responsibility for ourselves and each other in many new ways. On CF’s birthday, he is touring with his band and I am dug in at the retreat center I go to, praying, walking and listening. A dear friend had given me a gift certificate for a two-night stay there that she bought in a silent auction because I had talked about the place, and she was moving. I had quite an experience there (book). The morning I left, I had done with my unresolved feelings for CH. I felt so blessed and happy with my life exactly as it was, and a grateful joy settled in. The only way I can say it without going into the eternity of those two days is that I became a mother there and a child again, at the same time. My eyes changed.

A few days later Charlie called to say he was returning to the area for an indefinite period of time. And he did later that month. I got a good look at him after all that time without his eyes and his smile to make certain I wasn’t fooling myself, consulted Catfish, and freed myself to share a new part of myself with my friend Charlie (book). I am in love with my two best friends, the fulcrum between two astoundingly powerful and inherently passionate and free men, - yes, this is a rare life indeed.

Now, I have to wrap it up because CH is coming to stay at our house tonight, in his old room, and we are all three going to spend family time together. We are all writing like mad, singing, making things,- on fire. There have been many visits, one just the two of them overnight, and they love each other in a way I’ve never borne witness to between two men. We are all doing the most rewarding and staggering work of our lives, together and separately. My life has become so that I can’t even imagine what will happen the next day.

Yeah, it’s grandiose and euphoric, and we also sit through some very frightening emotions all the time in this learning process. I said outright that it was a weird art movie and oh, my loves, we are only at the beginning this life around.

Dang.
-R

[redpepper]

RC, what a lovely post full of feelings I can relate to. Thanks for the up date.

Question; what does (book) mean?

[Rarechild]

Question; what does (book) mean?

That there are volumes of info I am skimming over with as concise a sentence as I can.

[redpepper]

That there are volumes of info I am skimming over with as concise a sentence as I can.
Oh, oh k. :)

[eklctc]

Thanks for sharing, Rarechild. It is beautiful when it all comes together and as long as we remember that we are ever-evolving, thereby, involved in an ever-evolving journey, we can continue to grow in our circumstances and, hopefully, burst anew with more love, insight, unity, and freedom. The best to you, CF, and CH. *hugs*

[Rarechild]

My life has become so that I can’t even imagine what will happen the next day.


The correct answer is: Charlie and I would get t-boned by a pickup truck going 50mph. The truck carried a very nice man and his teenage daughter. It was my fault, my mistake. All four of us got up out of our totaled cars intact. Charlie stayed with us until Monday morning(4 nights when we had planned one), and we three are rocked,- but oh, so very alive.

[nycindie]

The correct answer is: Charlie and I would get t-boned by a pickup truck going 50mph.Charlie mentioned this somewhere. So glad to hear you guys are all right. However, please pardon my ignorance: what does getting "T-boned" mean?

[Charlie]

Parlance of the times, when one vehicle hits another perpendicular to its path of travel.

[eklctc]

Alive and intact is good. *hugs*

[Rarechild]

We've had another family visit this weekend, Catfish, Charlie and I. I'll go backwards with my story because my head is still a little thick from last night, when I allowed myself to drink some whiskey and let my self-control slip a minute.

I want to say something about my experience posting on this forum with the title of "moderator" under my name. Please ignore it when I am posting about my life. All it means is that I have some tasks to perform on this forum that most of you don't have to worry about. I am in love with two beautiful and complicated men who are working so hard with me to normalize what is a first experience for all of us. I don't know how to do this, so I feel how to do this, and hope that the risks I am taking will continue to be rewarded. In other words, I need help as much as the next polywog.

The whiskey was after a wake that CF and I attended last evening. A crush of people lifting up a friend of ours who lost his wife about a month ago. I did not know her well, but the experience of being the husband's friend through his experience of accepting that she was sick and would die, his waiting with her though hospital and hospice, and finally his fulfillment of her wishes that we have a party rather than a funeral for her has affected CF and I deeply, and made us think about terrible and wonderful things. CF sang and played his banjo with the guys-it meant so much to our friend, as he and his wife love the band's music and their pub has been the guys' home bar for several years now.

I stood with our friend as CF was playing, and as always, he expressed how much the music means to him. I had my arm around him, watching my husband rock out and shine his glorious smile all over everyone that came to celebrate her life, and I fell in love with him more, more, more. Happens all the time. He is so beautiful. I can't ever imagine loving him any more than I do at any given point, but then the next day happens, and I find out that yes, it's both possible and unavoidable. That this will be the case every day of my life until I too go out with a bang is just the truth.

Charlie left in the afternoon. He stayed with us three nights for some serious family time. Catfish has described from his perspective the first night (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=63741&postcount=12) when we went to a concert in a beautiful theater here in town and listened to one of my favorite bands.

I have this overwhelming feeling sometimes when I am physically between the two of them of being a magnet suspended between two other magnets, held hovering between my love and attraction for both of them. It is a bit of a paralyzing feeling. When one of them walks away, I connect with force to the other, reassuring, exchanging the private eye contact and touch that I will not share, out of respect, in front of the other.

I stood for most of the concert, and had a hand on both of them most of the time, knowing CF was hurting, but unable and unwilling to waste the beauty of being with both of them doing something I enjoy so much. I did not want to allow CF's mood to overtake me, but at the same time, both Charlie and I were very aware of it, and took care of him the best we could.

I know that ignoring Charlie for the sake of Catfish is wrong. It would reinforce CF's negative feelings about the situation, and would be unfair to both Charlie and I, who are not sorry to anyone for loving each other. Catfish is the last person I would hide my feelings for Charlie from, and it works just the same in reverse. They are both my equals, and I am determined to treat them both like the strong people that they are, with much respect, and no lying, not anymore, not even in a gesture held back for the sake of peace or placating.

As I tell them both often, I am not fucking around.

After the concert, when CF wanted me to go to bed with him right away and I told him as lovingly as I could that I did not want to, wanted to stay up with Charlie, I know it hurt, but he respected it. When I accidentally fell asleep with Charlie and caused CF to wake up alone in the wee hours, I know that hurt worse on top of everything CF was already feeling. It was a mistake and I'm sorry it happened. It was an unnecessary hurt that I know I could have prevented.

It is so hard to leave one of them to go be alone with the other, especially when we are all in the same house. It feels wrong. I have to force myself. I can, I know I have to, but it makes me cry every time. Same thing happens when I leave one of them to go to see the other overnight (CF and I live two and a half hours away from Charlie). I tear myself away and try to leave with a brave smile, and wait until I am alone in the car to cry.

When I am crying, I tell myself that I am glad that I can bear this weight to help them both be free men, free to love me, free to choose to do this work alone and with me, free to find happiness for themselves. For myself, the tears are part of the price for my own freedom, and I honor them, because I love myself.

Charlie went to work with me the next day(Friday) to help out with a project. When we got home, CF wanted to talk, so we sat around the fire and had some very hard conversations, along with laughter, dreaming, questions and deep hurts and desires surfacing everywhere.

I consciously held my own thoughts at bay for the most part, wanting the two of them to have the floor. The hardest part for me was sitting between them, listening to their deepest fears and feelings of incompleteness come out as we talked about how we all have doubts about ourselves from way back, and how being in this relationship brings it all up, every last piece of unfinished business.

I was that hovering magnet again, sitting between them on pillows on the floor, listening to the two most wonderful people I know express painful things about the darkness of their inner monologue. I wanted to knock their heads together at one point, to argue with them, to say "NO! You're fucking wrong about yourself, you are so amazing, etc..", but I knew they needed to tell each other that they were the same, human, with doubts, equals, and I listened, holding back tears for the pain that they felt safe enough to reveal.

We slept together that night. I held them and they held me, and the magnets came together. I did not have to leave one to be with the other. I am so grateful that they both allowed this to happen. It felt so good, and it meant so much to me to be able to sleep in peace with their heat on either side of me.

When we woke up butt-early the next morning, the closeness of the night made me feel safe to tell them how I was struggling as the hinge in this family. Most of the time I feel like I should never have a complaint or issue beyond missing the one I am not physically with when I am apart from them. I break through this sometimes when I am alone with one of them, but hadn't done so with all of us in the same room before Saturday morning. They gave me the floor and let me tell them that it was hard for me too. They would not accept my bearing anything alone, no matter the intention or reason. Of course, my love increased again. Our closeness as three increased again. We learned more about how to love each other this way-how to live this life that we have all chosen and take care of one another, take care of ourselves.

After that conversation, when Charlie and I got back from welding all day, we all went out for dinner and had a great time. When we got home, CF wanted to go right to bed again, and I knew he wanted me to come with him straight away again, but I wanted to stay up again, and so I did. After spending some time with Charlie, I made sure not to fall asleep, and tore myself away from him to snuggle in with CF at a reasonable hour.

Sunday morning was lazy and comfy, in our jammies, drinking coffee and watching a movie together (really good movie- "Winter's Bone") before Charlie left for home in the afternoon and we got ready for the wake/party.

I am out of time. I am full of love. I still have a foggy head from the whiskey, but I am looking forward to a massage at 2 and class later on. Catfish is making dinner for us. Charlie is home safe, and I look forward to his voice on the phone, his words on my computer screen, the next plan to get together.

-R

[SNeacail]

polywog

:D

[redpepper]

sounds familiar. yet all yours. Keep at it Rarechild. It's all being created. All will settle in time.

[Rarechild]

Holy shit, I fucking (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=64218&postcount=21) love you both so fucking (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=64219&postcount=17) much.

[Rarechild]

Thank you, forum friends, for being good to my family. The help we receive here means so much to me.

[Rarechild]

Aren't we blessed, those of us whose first thought is of Love every morning?!

Valentine's Day- I don't think that my life could get any more romantic than it is, or I would float right off the planet and be gloriously lost in the ether. I already have a hard time keeping my spirit somewhat grounded to my physical body. What an excellent problem to have.

I can hardly stand to sit back and look at my Love. It is too perfect, it is built for eternity and transforms me into the hand of the Universe, all the time building fire that will never be quenched.

The three of us were out having dinner a couple of weeks ago, and ran into a friend of mine, my former philosophy professor, who was out on a date also. She was full of joy to see me out with my loves, having heard about my journey all along during our weekly visits in her faculty office over the last two years.

She was telling us about her new camera, and invited the three of us out to her farm to be photographed together.

Give candy to each other, lovers, you enjoy sweets much more than I do. As for flowers, we will walk the earth and find them where they live, alive and at home in their glory.

I want the photographs of us for a love gift. I want to see what we look like together through her lens in the Spring sunshine. I want to give that gift to you. The beauty of us made startlingly new though the eyes of another precious person. We are Art, and I want us three to stand back and wonder at our loveliness together in this way.

More Love than I knew I had the strength to give myself and both of you,

-R

[Rarechild]

Recently I have felt my strength in all of this sapped at times. My indomitable resolve to be secure in my feelings and actions regardless of how hard it is to navigate two very intense and monumental loves in my life has been tested.

I have really started to feel the weight of not really having anyone to talk to who can identify with my position as the life love of two incredible men with whom I want everything with. I have this forum, and the wonderful people whom I know will listen and offer help, but I admit that it is hard to lay everything out knowing that both of my loves will be reading- I really desire an objective discussion with someone who can identify with what I'm going through who is not directly involved and has understanding of poly through personal experience.

The friends that I have shared the circumstances of my life with have been accepting, but are far from being able to offer perspective, as they have zero experience with this lovestyle, and I have rarely gotten beyond the point of just explaining what the hell it is I'm up to. I don't know any poly people other than ourselves personally.

For my own sanity and to get the only help I know is there for me, I'm going to go ahead and say fuck it, and share my thoughts with you all without fear of being misread by my loves or making them feel exposed, which is something I worry about, and has kept me from posting anything too difficult on this forum.

Five months into my romantic relationship with Charlie, the bond I share with him has exceeded all three of our expectations of what it would look like in practice. I knew and loved the man for years, and Catfish knew of my feelings, but living this love with Charlie has proved immeasurably more intense for all of us than I could have imagined.

In my mind, there is no hierarchy. The relationships are very different, hold different history, and are at different stages, but the love I feel for each of them is equally powerful. This is so hard for Catfish to accept. He was not prepared to face Charlie and I loving one another so deeply.

The two of them are in close communication, have formed a deep and beautiful bond, and Catfish continually works on his jealousy and everything that comes up with it, which is all incredibly admirable and growth-producing for us all. Still, despite the fact that we are all "doing it right", there is a disconnect between Catfish and I that is very painful for both of us. At the root of this disconnect is the reality that our identities as married folks, being "the one" for each other is obviously not the case anymore.

There was something we said to each other when we embarked on exploring poly that has turned out to be false, and I feel it is at the core of the disconnect. It was this: "No matter what, you always win." I can't even think like that anymore, and I know Catfish feels betrayed by the loss of this assurance. His identity as the only one who takes care of me, is always there for me, will always fight for my love has been dismantled. The fact that I accept and glory in this level of commitment and love from Charlie does not compute with his concept of our relationship or his concept of himself and his place in my heart.

Try as I might to assure him that our love is just as precious to me, and even moreso as I am feed to pursue my love for Charlie, I don't think he really believes me. Deep down I know he is expecting an ultimate choice to be made by me between the two of them, and feels like my love for Charlie will overpower my love for him. It keeps him at a distance from me because aware or not, he is preparing to lose me, or at the very least to have to accept a diminished love with me.

I won't choose, and I think we can all win in this. I can't choose, and from the first inkling years ago that my feelings for Charlie went straight to the bottom of my soul, I have not had the ability or the desire to choose. My love for them is, and grows, and intensifies, regardless of anything. That will always be true even if they both leave me and I have to face the world without them.

It is very hard to watch my Catfish suffer in all of this. I know that with a different woman, his life could be much more simple, straightforward, and easier to navigate. I see him struggle to his depths, and know that I am the cause of his struggle, even as I know it is him that has made the choice to love me all the way through every part of the pain and the pleasure. I have no guilt for loving Charlie, but I do feel helpless sometimes when Catfish is in pain because of it.

In my infinite love and respect for Catfish, I treat him as the strong and capable man that I know he is. I have seen my attitude of respect for his ability to deal with the reality of our lives as they have come to change make him feel abandoned.

Sometimes I fail to be compassionate or to support him how he needs me to because my belief in his strength and the strength of our love is so strong that I refuse to try and manipulate his journey through this in any way. I want his decision to choose to be with me every day, as he has for almost seven years, to be completely his own. This can make him feel like I have left him in the cold. For both of us, it is frustrating to cross that divide. In the past we have been co-dependent, unhealthy in our concept of ourselves and our place in the world in relation to one another. We are both going in the same direction, toward freedom, self-fulfillment and toward a deepening of our love, but we try to get there in different ways sometimes, and it hurts.

Most days it is all I can do to navigate the moment I am in. I trust that this path that the three of us are on will lead to ever more beautiful places for us each individually and in our relationships with one another. I know that there is truth in all of it. When I try to think about what our lives will be in six months or a year, my mind gets twisted. If Catfish and I cannot get right with one another and find joy in our growth together, I really don't know what will happen. What I do know is that we love each other and always will, and that we will both keep working and not give up.

With Charlie, even though we are just at the beginning of this incarnation of our relationship, I know the same is true. We are connected in ways I have never experienced, and we grow in our love every day. I will never be sorry for that or give up on him.

What will it look like and where are we going from here? My place is sure, and my feelings are unchangeable. I will love and accept them both for who they are and what they want from their lives as I continue to explore my own spirit and be open to grow as I learn more about myself and the world.

Thanks for listening,
-R

[River]

.... Still, despite the fact that we are all "doing it right", there is a disconnect between Catfish and I that is very painful for both of us. At the root of this disconnect is the reality that our identities as married folks, being "the one" for each other is obviously not the case anymore.

Sometimes I address my very dear friend in England as "Dearest". He and I have never even met face to face, and our relationship has many challenges rooted in text being its main interface, but there is no doubt that he is among my Dearest. ... Well, I've started two letters (email) to him this way... "Dearest,". Both times I explained what I meant. But I won't do that in the future. He knows what I mean, now.

The -est implies topmost, best, most. And I think it was the poet in me that wanted to re-appropriate the term. I wanted to engage in a little serious play, some word magic.

I know in my heart that I can have several, multiple Dearests. Moreso, I think now that there's something sad and perverse in the notion that we can have but one Dearest. And I also know that I need not have a sexual / romantic relationship with someone in order for them to qualify as among my Dearest. Dearest means great affection, great love, joy in the presence of the other... which knows no bounds, which is unlimited, wide, spacious, breathing, open. I would wither with but one such. And the magic goes like this: The more Dearests I have, the more love I have to share.

It isn't so with time, however, and that's a good argument for keeping one's circle of Dearests smallish. But my work requires me to travel in very dark and lonesome places, and I just won't have the energy without the inspiration of great love and joy. My Dearests fortify my dangerous, dark dives--which I must do. It's what I am.

And what better moment, then, to thank you, Rarechild, for offering your gift of courage and honesty and spirit ... here, to us. We all need inspiration!

Happy diving, folks!

[bella123456]

Five months into my romantic relationship with Charlie, the bond I share with him has exceeded all three of our expectations of what it would look like in practice. I knew and loved the man for years, and Catfish knew of my feelings, but living this love with Charlie has proved immeasurably more intense for all of us than I could have imagined.

-R

Yes - I think that's the bit of it all that is pretty much unimaginable, I don't think one could prepare for that part - Surely it would be something that would take us all by surprise...no matter how well prepared....

Love is surprising. Fullstop. :)

I don't have any pearls of wisdom, other than feel everything you feel.

[redpepper]

No pearls of wisdom from me either although I relate to all of what you are saying. I remember all of it only too well. All I can say is that it all gets better in time and you are only 5 months in. I suspect it seems like forever and that things have always been this way, but they haven't and it hasn't been very long in the grand scheme of your life. Hopefully that is. Give it a chance and keep at it... it all takes practice and getting used to... at some point you might just remember feeling this way and wonder when it changed because you don't any more.

*hugs*

[Rarechild]

Thank you for the responses. Just getting my thoughts down and discussing them with my lovelies has helped me feel more like I'm standing on solid ground.

I appreciate the non-judgemental empathy that I always get from forum friends when I lay out my heart here.

At the same time I was writing the above, Catfish was writing this (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=71937&postcount=45) in another part of the house. We had an excellent conversation after reading each other's posts and it helped us to really connect that day.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed trying to be sensitive to everything that is going on with myself and my men, and I focus in on the trouble spots instead of being thankful that there is so much love and wonder in my life.

I don't know why I'm always so surprised that when I communicate and unburden my soul to the ones that love me, we glow anew in the sharing.

More layers of bravery and blessings all the time.

-R

[bella123456]

I'd also seen CF's post.

I was so humbled, I'd not had the strength or wisdom to comment....I probably still don't, but

Beautiful..
Lovely..
Pure..

[Rarechild]

I am taking a break from energetically cleaning the house. Tonight is my graduation party and tomorrow is my graduation. I was not supposed to find out about the party but am evil and did anyway.

After a beautiful morning with Catfish, who scurried off to do secret things, I went to town spring cleaning and then Charlie showed up. We got a moment to sit on the porch and have a cup of coffee before my beautiful friend Dooley stopped by and gave me some great hugs. Catfish called Charlie off to help him with the secret things, and I am at home blasting music, being industrious, and enjoying being myself. I am such a blessed woman.

My family, my friends are all conspiring to make me smile. It's fucking working.

I am so excited for tonight (much more than for graduation) and am basking in a feeling of everything being right with the world.

THANK YOU, UNIVERSE

-R

[Rarechild]

Just feel like saying hello today. Hi poly people! Since I am not on the computer doing homework every night, some days I don't get online at all. That has been refreshing. I got to spend a night at the retreat center I go to on Mother's Day, after being out till 4 at a bachelorette party and the visiting my Mum.

I took off of work early to get some time to finish a chandelier made from a bicycle wheel that I will hang in a barn in the morning for the wedding reception of two dear friends. Rehearsal dinner tomorrow night, wedding on Sat. and then the reception, which will be an all night camping party.

On Sunday I'm off to visit Charlie in the morning. Haven't seen him since graduation two weeks ago, and I miss him something terrible. He is having tooth trouble and is miserable with the pain, and I wish I could go take care of him right now.

All is well on the construction site- we are doing a special build and the house is going up like the blazes. Excellent volunteers, great weather, lots of progress.

It's been eleven days since us three quit smoking, and it has been tough. We have been bumming a bit, but trying to be kind to ourselves and forgive our bodies for caving in to the crave from time to time- we have all been smoking for many years and of course it's going to be difficult. I'm not giving up. This is the time for me that will be the last time I have to go through this and I am looking forward to all of the benefits of being completely free of the beast.

We have already saved lots of money between us, and gotten through some tough moments without smoking. I figure that we are doing incredibly well; from a pack a day to a few here and there is huge. I'm starting to be comfortable with coping without cigarettes, and have really gained a new appreciation for people who do not use them as I have for so long; to get away from tough emotional situations, to ramp myself up for the day, to reward myself for things, etc.

Lots going on, lots of forward movement, and so much love in my life. My best friend from NY called yesterday to start planning a visit to Michigan this summer for two weeks. I have missed him and have not been talking to him very much these last six months or so since Charlie came back. I am glad he is the kind of friend who understands things like that and can pick up with me right where we left off. We will always stay in touch, always visit, but I think we have stopped leaning on one another like we used to. I feel like that is really healthy growth for us.

Off to finish my creation.

-R

[Rarechild]

It has been brought to my attention that I am a bulldozer.

Today I have let this word, zealotry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zealous), wash over me and show me where I have been wrong in enormous ways.

I have asked for things that I have not given.

I have given things that I have not asked for from myself.

It is clear to me that I am loved despite my failings.

After a time of complete conviction without granting myself apology or need,

I am sorry, and I do need some things, actually.

I am sorry for my righteous indignation.

I need my love to be safe to share.

I have responded to the precious details of life as if I had to defend the core of myself against them, when I was just being asked for a hug and some understanding.

There is no doubt that I belong with the two incredible people that share in my life to a degree that is wild fucking frontier to all of us. I trust them. I trust us all to come around when we are lost, with help.

Grateful,
-R

P.S. After much complaining about how my words were taken because I was a mod on the forum, I have finally shut up and demoted myself. Thank you to II, Neon, RP, AT, and River for the private counsel in the meantime.

[NeonKaos]

You can still PM us individually or as a group.

[redpepper]

You're a strong woman RC. Strong women need to find strength some times. Please feel free to find strength in your friends here. We all need each other some times.

[River]

I have responded to the precious details of life as if I had to defend the core of myself against them, when I was just being asked for a hug and some understanding.

Darling, Rarechild,

[F**k 'em if they think "darling" implies anything other than deep appreciation.]
The core of yourself, myself, any self never needs defense. And my passionate intent is to realize this fully and utterly as soon as possible. :)

[bella123456]

I send you warmth and respect, and I'll also place some peace into the package..

And I'll send you a smile, as I find you can never have too many..

:)

[Rarechild]

Thank you

[Rarechild]

While my whole life has changed, simultaneously I travel towards an existence so much more familiar than the rest of it was. My perspective looking back now shows a bridge built with my head down, tension so delicate, it is hard to believe that it was me that made it all breathtaking in the air.

I have lined up with something very real, hard to believe, but I can’t deny it as it fills me. The thing that is clearest to me is that it doesn’t matter what happens now. I know what it is to live and I can’t ever be turned from that knowing. I know it can increase. I know I can be surprised.

I open my perfect eyes to all of it, set my hands to making a home for it, train my senses mercilessly to it, to the point of trance and giant stillness where all I can do is pray.

Enormous, chaotic hurricane of joy over a cavern where dragons guard what is truly precious.

I fear physically disappearing into a metaphor, and getting frozen that way.

I am terrible at math, and have only the break in the heavens filled with stars to go by.

-R

[River]

Ahh... So we each dwell here, then, in the real world. Wecome! Glad you arrived. It's good here. Not always joyous through-and-through, but the wrechedness is flowering with glory.
And you should see the sunrises!