is compersion real?

[cheryl]

or just an ideal people try to aim for? Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion? Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed? Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?

[mcmctalk]

I'm trying to understand this as well. It seems to me, on the surface, compersion is an ideal situation to eliminate jealousy. I have hard time getting the underlying mechanic on how exactly one gets themselves to this place to see other happy while feeling like something has been taken away from you.

[CheesyLady]

I think it is real but I think it takes the exact right combination of people with their personalities and circumstances for it to happen.

[mcmctalk]

I think it is real but I think it takes the exact right combination of people with their personalities and circumstances for it to happen.

Tally makes me feel better, if poly veterans still finds this concept difficult, I do t need as "lacking" in this quality.

[quietstormn]

Compersion is hard for me, I waver back and forth, but it seems to be based on my feelings of insecurity. When I fell in love with A, it helped me to understand loving more than one person. I tend to fall in the jealousy pit when I start comparing myself to others, and that's not a healthy thing to do...although it is human nature to do so. Someone will always be younger, "prettier" (what is pretty anyway), or better at some things, or have tgings that I don't. So it is useless to compare. Instead I focus on the things I know he loves about me, and remember that he is not poly because he lacks anything from me, but because he wants to add more to what we have.
I want him to find someone...but I do sometimes get scared.

[AnnabelMore]

Yep, it's real, I've felt it. But you're not good if you feel it and bad if you don't -- it's just a nice thing to aim for. It involves a lot of security, compassion, understanding, and good feelings for all involved, and often it only comes in time if it does in fact come. Focus on the process, not the end goal.

[nycindie]

It seems to me, on the surface, compersion is an ideal situation to eliminate jealousy. I have hard time getting the underlying mechanic on how exactly one gets themselves to this place to see other happy while feeling like something has been taken away from you.

I have two points to respond with to this: first, you seem to believe that feeling compersion "eliminates" jealousy, as if being in a poly relationship means you must never feel jealous, or that it is more evolved not to feel jealous. But human beings are multifaceted. Some people are naturally less inclined to be jealous, others have to get past a huge amount of conditioning and insecurities to alleviate the jealousy they feel. One could be living polyamorously and experience both moments of total compersion and moments of all-consuming jealousy, and every shade of the rainbow in between -- and it doesn't mean they are not "doing poly right" for whatever they're feeling.

Generally, jealous is a cover for other, underlying difficult feelings. It's so much easier to focus on the jealousy than it is to feel inadequate, abandoned, a fear of loss of control, or other uncomfortable emotions.

Second, you say that you can't quite understand how one can feel compersion when there's the feeling of having something taken from you. I am going to guess that you're looking at it from the perspective of someone who is in a previously mono relationship that is newly "opened up." Perhaps you feel like something has been taken from you, which could indicate a fair amount of possessiveness, but not everyone else who embarks on poly feels that way. A few examples: some people may feel like they're taking something from someone, some feel a sense of relief, others exhilaration, and others fear something but are not sure what or why they are afraid. Some folks don't feel any kind of ownership over their partners and get on board with compersion right away. So, don't assume that the sense of emptiness from having something taken away is the thing that everyone must grapple with to reach compersion. It could be very difficult, or it could be surprisingly easy if someone can tap into a sense of wanting their partner to feel free and happy, despite any sense they may have of feeling like they're "getting less."

Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion? Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed? Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?

I think when a person can look at their lover without any thoughts of "what am I getting out of this?" it is easier to be happy for their happiness and feel compersion. If we always choose to focus on ourselves, and what we are getting or not getting, compersion is probably impossible. So, I think it takes admitting to a bit of self-centered concerns and examining them closely and with some compassion, for ourselves as well as those we love, to get past whatever feelings stand in the way of feeling compersion.

[Nighthorse]

Yes. So is jealousy. I usually don't feel jealous, but it does manifest occasionally. I recognize jealousy as part of the culture in which I was raised and compersion as part of the culture to which I wish to belong.

When you wish for others what you wish for yourself, you've gotten to the place where compersion is the default setting. Some see polyamory as diminishing love, as if it were a precious commodity being divided. But it's more like, the more you give away, the more you have. Like smiles.

This is my favorite question, in all the ways it is phrased: is it really possible to feel good about someone you love loving someone else? I'd say, it's possible for most of us, if we want it to be.

[Anneintherain]

I have felt it at times when I like/trust my metamours. As of yet I haven't experienced it if I don't like or know them, not that I've actually had any metamours I don't like so far, but I am guessing I would find it much harder to do if that was the case.

Nevertheless like nycindie said, it doesn't eliminate the possibility of feeling jealousy or envy, but it sure as hell can make it easier sometimes.

[polyq4]

I have watched my wife making love to her BF and seen how happy she is, what I want from my life is happiness. Watching her being happy makes me happy. What do I get out of it, well gee go figure if my wife is happy....... Needless to say there have been many times as well where it has been the other way and my wife is happy for me. Just the other day she said to me you need to be with your GF.

I think people need to get over themselves and every thing else will be fine, what I mean by that is that people who have problems with poly usually are looking at it with why am I not enough, or how come I can't do that for .... And you know the love I have with my wife is different than the love I have with my GF. But I do love them both. I have made it very clear to my wife that I will not leave her so that she is not feeling insecurity.

A true poly person can love more than one. And I for one am very happy with my personal life right now.

[MonoVCPHG]

As I see compersion it is very real and, for me, without jealousy. I feel this daily towards RP and her husband and her girlfreind. That does not mean I am not a jealous person LOL! I know what jealousy feels like for sure. What it does mean is that in a least these two rare cases I have found complete, consistant, and total comfort. It is not something I am aware of. It's not joy or excitement for the relationships although I am concerned about the health of each sometimes. It is more about what I don't feel than what I do feel.

[kamala]

Yes, it is real. And, for me, it did take some time... or should I say, practice :)

It was a gradual shift... one in which I've come to see compersion as the normal state of affairs and jealousy as more temporary and, most times, it alerts me to something in myself that isn't exactly right. More often than not, what I think is jealousy is insecurity about myself or the relationship or just life in general. Once I identify what's really bothering me and fix it, the big, calm empty space left over is, I think, compersion :o

[StumblingAlong]

Yes, its real. I feel it often, but I also have my moments of jealousy. My jealousy like others have said comes through when there is something else going on. I have to take some time and exam it and figure it out and then take steps to correct what is causing it. Thankfully for me compersion happens way more than the jealousy.

[SchrodingersCat]

I agree with the "it's real" verdict.

For me, it was actually more of a "click" one day. It helped to experience reality instead of hypotheticals. In other words, a lot of my insecurities were based on "what if this, what if that" without actually getting into those situations and finding out what if. When I saw with my own eyes that my partner could be with someone else, and still come home to me with just as much love and passion as he had when he left (actually, more), then I started to live more in reality than hypotheticals.

I think it's a lot about letting go... letting go of cultural norms, fears, preconceived notions, and anxiety. Let yourself trust.

It also has to do with finding a partner whom you can trust. Let's face it, not everyone who wears the polyamorist button is good at doing it. Some people make it hard to trust them, behave selfishly, and generally don't look out for your well-being. Of course, plenty of people do that in monoamorous relationships also.

[redpepper]

For other discussions on this topic please take a look at the search engine for the tag "compersion" :)

[geminigirl]

Compersion is indeed real and I feel it often. It is NOT the opposite of jealousy nor is it a cure or antidote for jealousy. Jealousy is its own emotion, to be dealt with on its own, just like happiness, or excitement, or sadness are emotions. Compersion is a lovely feeling that tends to be *more present* when you're not feeling jealous most of the time, but it *can* be present at the SAME time as jealousy.

You do not have to feel compersion to be poly, nor do you have to be free of jealousy to be poly. Humans vary in their emotions, and poly people are human. :)

Compersion is more easily experienced if you're feeling relaxed and happy about yourself. Jealousy is less likely to be experienced under these same circumstances, hence the association between the two. Sort of like how having a full belly and contentment are often found together. ;)

[MonoVCPHG]

You do not have to feel compersion to be poly, nor do you have to be free of jealousy to be poly. Humans vary in their emotions, and poly people are human. :)

;)

Bingo!! I feel compersion for my friends who have a good bike ride :) People experience it all the time but don't realize it.

[River]

I experienced some compersion with Kevin when he fell in love with another guy some years ago. I certainly didn't feel threatened by Kevin's love for this other guy. But I think I knew, deep down, that that particular relationship was not destined to last long, which it didn't. In all honestly, I'd love for Kevin to have another love him beautifully.

Kevin must have been feeling some compersion in my relationship with Faraway Sweetie. He encouraged me and lent emotional support as I explored that relationship.

'Course, I've been with Kevin for 15 years. Such duration certainly makes a difference--for us. If we were brand new with one another things might be very different. We're secure in the fact of our mutual love. There can be no doubt.

[Derbylicious]

Yes compersion is real. I find that I feel it more when I truly care about all parties involved though. I find it much more difficult to feel compersion when either I don't know a metamour or we don't get along particularly well. I don't generally feel anything negative to take it's place, I mostly just feel puzzled.

[ChloeJane]

I do think that compersion is real, but it takes a solid basis of communication, time spent caring for the primary relationship, and checking in to keep compersion going for any length of time. There's a big difference between everything running smoothly and you feeling really happy for your partner's connections and there being a bump in the road and that happiness sticking around!

To me, the better that conversations, the more self inventory, and the more honesty, the closer compersion comes to the surface. Good diet, sleep, exercise, self love/care in general also make a big difference!

[Arrowbound]

Yes. I've felt it for my metamour since the lines of communication have been opened up between her and I, and seeing her as a peer rather than the woman who is plotting to threaten and destroy the established relationship she has entered into.

[BigGuy]

or just an ideal people try to aim for? Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion?

For me, compersion is very similar to the good feelings I get when good fortune befalls a close friend. I'm genuinely happy for them. I love them and I want what's best for them and when that happens, its a good thing.


Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed?

Jealousy still happens. But as mentioned before, its more about your own security with yourself or your relationship than it is about the other person. When it happens, we talk about it and I ask for assurance that our relationship is ok. Sometimes a discussion is sufficient, other times I need more affection.



Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?

I don't have any other relationships and my wife has two OSO's and I still feel compersion. It's not a constant thing, but when I see her happy and feeling good about herself, that's when I get it.

[riftara]

I didnt think it was real, but then I saw my bf and gf cuddling asleep and I was overwhelmed by the happiness I felt at that moment.

That they were close and loving and everything seemed perfect in that moment.

I know me and my girlfriend are different lovers, but neither of us is better than the other. There are even positions that my bf loves that he doesnt do with her.

I do feel a little jealous but sometimes its that hes with her, others it that she is with him. I want one or the other and sometimes I cant have the one I want because they are together.

[cheryl]

I thought I was getting closer to compersion. The three of us even spent a day together and had dinner. I thought if I knew her better and saw her as whole person, not just my BF's GF, I'd feel better about it all. But then she asked him to start lying to me again, because she felt more comfortable if I didn't know, it should just between them, no one else needs to know. And I also heard about some critical comments she made about me. She thinks I am selfish, that I'm just using him, and an unneccessary distraction to him that is keeping from getting his work done and getting ahead. I think the real reason she doesn't want me to know about her is she thinks I will make negative comments about her, and if I don't even know she's seeing him, she doesn't have to worry about that.

So I feel burned by her after attempting to be friennds, and I'm backing up the truck. I told my BF I don't want him to lie to her either, but there's no reason to discuss me with her. I don't want to her know anything more about my personal life, my family, what goes on between my BF and me, whether we're getting along great or not so great. Keep it all separate from now on. If they do start lying to me again, I'm done.

[Arrowbound]

I thought I was getting closer to compersion. The three of us even spent a day together and had dinner. I thought if I knew her better and saw her as whole person, not just my BF's GF, I'd feel better about it all. But then she asked him to start lying to me again, because she felt more comfortable if I didn't know, it should just between them, no one else needs to know. And I also heard about some critical comments she made about me. She thinks I am selfish, that I'm just using him, and an unneccessary distraction to him that is keeping from getting his work done and getting ahead. I think the real reason she doesn't want me to know about her is she thinks I will make negative comments about her, and if I don't even know she's seeing him, she doesn't have to worry about that.

So I feel burned by her after attempting to be friennds, and I'm backing up the truck. I told my BF I don't want him to lie to her either, but there's no reason to discuss me with her. I don't want to her know anything more about my personal life, my family, what goes on between my BF and me, whether we're getting along great or not so great. Keep it all separate from now on. If they do start lying to me again, I'm done.

Is all of what you heard things that your BF told you? This isn't a good sign. A metamour that is explicitly plotting to weaken the bond is not someone I'd want in my life. It is your BF's decision but this requires a sit down with everyone, all at the same time. There are obviously things that need to be expressed, and in a straightforward fashion.

[hyperskeptic]

It seems to me the feeling or experience for which the term 'compersion' has been coined is real enough.

I just wish the word didn't come across as so utterly fake. I almost can't bring myself to utter it.

Why coin a new word, when existing words will do? There's the ancient Greek term, philia, which refers to a particular kind of love or affection or just plain old friendship. In particular, it's the desire for the happiness of another person, which works best when it's reciprocal. True friends rejoice in one another's happiness.

(In fact, I'd rather call my current way of thinking about relationships "polyphilia".)

If you don't like using actual words from dead languages, call it affection, compassion, grace, generosity, anything.

Just don't call it 'compersion'.

[Thalantos]

I think compersion is real. With what little experience with poly my wife and I have had, I found myself quite happy at how happy she was with her other relationship. So yeah, I'd say it's real, and it's probably a decent part of why I'm poly.

[SchrodingersCat]

It seems to me the feeling or experience for which the term 'compersion' has been coined is real enough.

I just wish the word didn't come across as so utterly fake. I almost can't bring myself to utter it.

Why coin a new word, when existing words will do? There's the ancient Greek term, philia, which refers to a particular kind of love or affection or just plain old friendship. In particular, it's the desire for the happiness of another person, which works best when it's reciprocal. True friends rejoice in one another's happiness.

(In fact, I'd rather call my current way of thinking about relationships "polyphilia".)

If you don't like using actual words from dead languages, call it affection, compassion, grace, generosity, anything.

Just don't call it 'compersion'.

philia is not compersion. It describes brotherly (non-romantic) love between two people. Using "polyphilia" to describe your relationship tendency simply means that you are capable of forming friendships with more than one person at a time. In other words, being a regular, socially functional human being...

Affection means liking someone.
Compassion means feeling awful when someone is suffering and wanting to fix it.
Grace and generosity aren't any kind of emotion.

Compersion is a very specific emotion: the feeling that you are happy about your romantic partner being in love with someone else.

The closest alternative I can think of would be sympathy, which describes being in emotional agreement with another person about the same object. But that's not appropriate, because compersion doesn't mean "I am also in love with your lover."

Empathy is also close, because it does not require you to actually have the same feelings but only to intellectually understand them. But that's still not the same as feeling happy about it, it just means "I understand that you are happy to be in love."

Why call a feeling "jealousy" when we can just say "fear?" Jealousy refers specifically to a fear of loss of something that a person values... You can be jealous when your mom has a new baby because you're scared she won't love you anymore. You can be jealous when your best friend gets married because you're afraid they won't come to drink and watch football with you anymore. You can be jealous when you and a coworker are up for the same promotion and you see him taking the boss out for dinner one night.

That's why you can feel compersion and jealousy at the same time. You can be happy for your partner that they're in love and full of NRE, and at the same time afraid that they'll spend less time with you and forget your birthday.

[hyperskeptic]

philia is not compersion. It describes brotherly (non-romantic) love between two people. Using "polyphilia" to describe your relationship tendency simply means that you are capable of forming friendships with more than one person at a time. In other words, being a regular, socially functional human being...

Affection means liking someone.

I take my reading of philia from Aristotle, near the end of his Nicomachean Ethics. There are degrees and kinds of philia, for different kinds of relationships and contexts.

The best and most perfect form of philia is genuinely wishing for the other person's happiness . . . even, it would seem to follow, if the other person finds sources of happiness that are not you.

What else could it possibly mean to "like" someone?

Compassion means feeling awful when someone is suffering and wanting to fix it.
Grace and generosity aren't any kind of emotion.

In Aristotelian terms, grace and generosity, like compassion, are virtues, which are habits of responding to emotions with moderation, in a manner that is appropriate for a given circumstance. They are character traits, states of being.

Emotions are too fleeting, too volatile, to be taken as good or bad in themselves . . . or so Aristotle would say.

(Sorry, should have warned you all. I'm a professional philosophy geek.)

[BigGuy]

But then she asked him to start lying to me again

Sometimes jealousy is a very appropriate emotion to have in a relationship. Like pain, it can be a warning sign that something is wrong.

If my SO's OSO were saying such things about me, compersion is the last thing I'd be feeling.

[Mudita]

Not quite the same thing but close.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mudita

And it can be cultivated
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm

These guys have been at it for 2500 years, it' just not been part of our inherited European culture.

Not saying it's the only way or the right way, just a way.

[DevotedGeek]

I have felt it at times when I like/trust my metamours. As of yet I haven't experienced it if I don't like or know them, not that I've actually had any metamours I don't like so far, but I am guessing I would find it much harder to do if that was the case.

That's a good point. I've certainly felt compersion, so I know it's real. But I get along great with my wife's metamour, and we all have a policy of being open with each other when we're feeling bad or have unmet needs. We've helped each other through rough times, look out for each other, and consider the three of us as family. My wife has felt compersion for me as well.

But if I felt neglected, ignored, lonely, worried, or didn't know or get along with her metamour, then I'm certain I'd feel bad rather than compersion.

Compersion exists in a non-poly context as well. For example, when a divorced partner is genuinely happy for the ex finding a new love interest (and it's not just because they don't have to pay alimony anymore ;)), that's compersion. It's just that polys can feel compersion without having to get divorced first. :)

[Nudibranch]

Not quite the same thing but close.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mudita

And it can be cultivated
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm

These guys have been at it for 2500 years, it' just not been part of our inherited European culture.

Not saying it's the only way or the right way, just a way.

Er, speak for YOUR "inherited European culture."

Compersion is and always was very strong in Celtic and Scandinavian cultures, and in indigenous Finno-Ugrian ones. Sounds like your mileage has varied...or you're out of touch with your culture...but kindly refrain from laying such globalized generalizations on all of us.

In the roots I arose from, polyfidelity is the norm, and it was only a very specific sort of urban/agricultural religious neurotic that tried to move this miracle of human love into the abstract realm, then remove it from the earth altogether.

[Mudita]

kindly refrain from laying such globalized generalizations on all of us.

Sorry.
Didn't mean to offend.
Guess I had my colonial hat on and was talking about the cultures exported from the old world to the new.


Compersion is and always was very strong in Celtic and Scandinavian cultures, and in indigenous Finno-Ugrian ones.

Interesting. Sources?

Are you saying compersion IS a very strong part of contemporary Scandinavian cultures?

[nycindie]

Compersion is and always was very strong in Celtic and Scandinavian cultures, and in indigenous Finno-Ugrian ones.

So, you are saying that compersion -- feeling happy and joyful when your partner finds happiness and satisfaction with their other partner(s) -- is "strong" in the cultures you mentioned? That would mean they have a polyamorous history, then. I assume you are saying it is part of the heritage and history. Or are you saying it is strong in contemporary culture? Can you explain this and cite examples?