Very Happily Married Couple MF New to Poly

[MisterMrs]

Hi,

We are a very happy couple of 6 years and have recently seriously thought about trying some things out with some good friends of ours. These friends have had there fair share of experiences and rough times. They have had 3 and 4somes before and even considered taking on a female in the relationship as a permanent figure. Due to that individuals lack of maturity however it did not work out. My wife and I have been good friends with this couple for a long time now and my wife and the girl have even kissed a few times while partying together. my wife is openly Bi-curious and I am taking on a very careful and mature approach to this. Not your typical macho yeah another girl thing. This is ultimately about her. Well, anyways we have been seriously discussing the possibilities of all of us going on a vacation together and trying this out. We are very new to this and want any advice to make this fun, exciting, mature, and over all a great growing/learning experience. We all want it to help us grow as friends and couples. We all agree that our friendships and marriages must come first and for most and that we must respect everyone involved. There must always be trust and we must never be with the other people sexually alone. it is all or nothing. Those are the rules we have thus far. Can this work? Can it last for longer than one night? Can it grow into something beautiful? Or, will it ruin friendships and marriages? I am really trying to make this about her and what she wants as she explores these fantasies and I want to make sure it is done right. My wife and her friend have a very close friendship and that is very important to maintain. She has everything to loose and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Mister

[SchrodingersCat]

Can this work? Can it last for longer than one night? Can it grow into something beautiful? Or, will it ruin friendships and marriages?

Hi! Welcome to the forum, good to have you.

Answered in order asked:
Yes, Yes, Yes, and it's possible.

Most likely won't ruin any marriages, and if you can all be mature and honest about your feelings, and accepting of everyone else's feelings, no reason it should ruin the friendship either. Only you all have to be prepared for the possibility that it won't work, and that it doesn't make you failures as people, just not compatible as lovers. Nothing wrong with that.

Polyamory is just like Monogamy but with more people. Whenever any friendship "takes that next step" it's always possible that things won't work and the friendship will become awkward and forced, eventually dissolving away. But I feel that the best things in life are never without risk, so why not go for it and see where it goes?

Most important thing will be authentic communication and honesty.

[MisterMrs]

excellent advice. What questions do we need to ask to see if we are compatible. How do we know if we are truly ready?

[redpepper]

We all agree that our friendships and marriages must come first and for most and that we must respect everyone involved. There must always be trust and we must never be with the other people sexually alone. it is all or nothing. Those are the rules we have thus far. Can this work? Can it last for longer than one night? Can it grow into something beautiful? Or, will it ruin friendships and marriages? I am really trying to make this about her and what she wants as she explores these fantasies and I want to make sure it is done right. My wife and her friend have a very close friendship and that is very important to maintain. She has everything to loose and any advice would be greatly appreciated.Well, its great to hear you are creating some boundaries that you can all agree on. The boundaries you have created are not necessarily going to work for the long haul, but for one weekend maybe... as long as you are aware that they are fluid and meant to be a work in constant process then you should be fine for now. If it comes up that on the fly they aren't working then stop and adjust them in the moment.

Be careful about making this about other people. Its very nice that you are so concerned about her, but I think it wise to keep tabs on what is going on emotionally for you too. Make sure you express what is okay with you for real and what is a struggle... without radical honesty at the early onset those little things can turn into huge things very quickly and it doesn't have to be so if people just speak up so everyone can adjust and make room for a different take on the situation. No one person should be creating the scene if you want this to work.

If it does last for a short while then so be it. There is nothing wrong with that and it can be a learning process. Hopefully the friendships you have already created will grow from the experience rather than bust apart. Usually the busting apart happens because of unforeseen love between people. Again... check what you are thinking and feeling and ask them to do the same.

There are some really good threads if you do a tag search by going to your search engine on the tool bar... look under "foundations" and "lessons" to see what others have experienced and learned along the way.

[MisterMrs]

what are some good long term rules to have in place?

[SchrodingersCat]

We all agree that our friendships and marriages must come first and for most and that we must respect everyone involved. There must always be trust and we must never be with the other people sexually alone. it is all or nothing. Those are the rules we have thus far.

rules shmules.

Well, that's a lie.

Safety first.

It sounds like you're looking for a how-to manual. There really isn't one, every situation and relationship is different.

Be open, be honest, and own your feelings.

I suspect that what RP was getting at wasn't that you will need different rules for the long term, but rather that you'll find in the long term, rules become more of a burden and restriction.

For example, it might turn out that the two wives have a really strong attraction and want to spend some alone time together. Your rule will prohibit that, and they may feel like you and the other husband are holding them back. That could lead to resentment.

You might find that this whole thing ends up making you feel really jealous. In an effort to stem the discomfort that brings up, you might try to impose new rules that you think will make it easier for you. That could make everyone else feel resentful that you're holding them all back.

These are just hypothetical examples of course, but those are the kinds of possibilities that show the downsides of rules.

[redpepper]

There are some good ideas here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=30916#post30916

More to be found under the tag "boundaries."

[Magdlyn]

From what I understand about group relationships, a longterm rule that no one gets to have sex unless all 4 (or however many) are in the mood is unrealistic. Some people might want sex once or twice a day, some might be good with once a week or less.

Of course, on a vacation outside your usual element, just for a weekend, all 4 of you might be all turned on and all want sex two or 3 times in one day.

But if this relationship lasts, if sex remains on the table, and your wife really wants to explore her lesbian side, she and her gf might want to meet separately and have sex one on one, not necessarily always want 2 others in the bed, participating or watching.

Secondly, putting your marriage first is natural, but NRE can lead a person to obsess about the new love/sex interest, and that needs to be dealt with carefully and sensitively. NRE floods the body with sexy bonding hormones and is resistant to "rules."

[Anneintherain]

I don't know if you all live nearby each other but...I wouldn't necessarily suggest taking a vacation together unless it's one you can easily escape from. You never know what feelings might get brought up, and in MY case at least, if I ended up getting overwhelmed with things, I would prefer being able to escape back to the "safety" of my own house and bed. Some people don't travel well and if it didn't work out could be much bigger of a deal than if you were just hanging out at home.

A nice hotel a couple of hours drive away, or an inexpensive vacation house rental the same distance might be things I would try but I kind of look at it like the whole "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" idea - why would you want to go away to try this? If it's about friendship and sex and you do it in a more known and comfortable setting, I imagine it would feel more easy and natural to do it a second time if it works out. Going out of town to do it might be more exciting because it would enhance the anticipation, but I'd guess there would be a disconnect for me with the other people once I was back home.

For rules you could discuss boundaries around this situation, and agree that whether it worked out or not, THEN you would sit down and negotiate agreements for future relationships, if you don't want to get bogged down in too much decision making right now. Listen to Redpepper, read the foundation threads, get a book or two, discuss them with each other.

[ViableAlternative]

There must always be trust and we must never be with the other people sexually alone. it is all or nothing.

As others have stated, the 'all or nothing's idea can and most likely will just set you up for failure - or at least horrible emotions and hurt.

People aren't equipped with on/off switches, and somewhere down the line some two or three will want sex when the other one or two don't. Imagine the pressure on that odd one out to have sex anyway so that everyone else can have sex. Imagine how restricted the two or three will feel, especially if they have begun to love each other.

While the 'no sex unless everyone is having sex's rule might SEEM like it's going to protect your primary relationships, the reality will probably be the opposite.

You should also consider discussing YOUR role in this. Sure, this is mostly for your wife. But what if you and the girl get to talking and find out that you both just LOVE going fishing? What if you turn into fishing buddies and go fishing every Tuesday? What if that fishing date allows you more insights into each other and you fall in love? What if the girl finds you to be more interesting than your wife and wants to spend more time with you than with your wife? You can't plan attraction, after all.

Likewise, what if the man and your wife both love bowling and go bowling together on Wednesdays? What if they fall in love? Etcetera....

There are a whole lot of 'what ifs' to think about; and be certain that you WILL eventually come upon scenarios you never thought of, too.

Just some thoughts for you.