View Full Version : Advice sought
11-08-2011, 06:56 AM
I am a mono woman who has been in a relationship with another woman (S) for 3 years & weíve been living together for 2. I know I am Sís true emotional & spiritual soul-mate, so I am very secure in my relationship with her. S has had a couple of BFs in the time weíve been together & that has never really bothered me, until now. She has been seeing her current BF (J) for a little over a year and in that time the three of us have spent a lot of time together. I have always felt, when the three of us were together, that I was an outsider. This also, has never really been a problem, as it was only part-time and it wasnít a strong enough feeling to really be an issue. Also, I felt as though it was partially because I live with S and have access to her 24/7, so J saw our time together as a threesome as his time with S. But, now S wants us to both to marry her & all 3 of us to live together and I donít know if I can. Iíve had this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach since getting caught up in the moment & saying Yes. At the time, the three of us were traveling together & we both were around S 24/7 so to speak and I still felt like an outsider. J seemed to always be cutting me off from S physically, always sitting between us, or not leaving enough space on the couch for me. We were also constantly butting heads, disagreeing on everything. Iíve talked to S about my feeling as though I donít belong, but I donít feel as though I can talk to J, even when S is there. There is just too much conflict between J & I. We seem to butt heads whenever we are together. Even a light-hearted, happy discussion of ideas for our commitment ceremony ended up with J & I butting heads in less than 5 minutes. I know many of you will say I need to discuss this with S & J, but with the way he & I butt heads, I want to be really, really sure this isnít just some form of jealousy (& hence be something that I can work through with help, cause S is so totally worth it. I also know that if I were to ask, and though it would hurt her, S would leave J.) before I make those kind of waves. So...
How can I figure out if this is jealousy, or something else? Is there some kind of mental checklist I can work through?
Is it possible that even though we both love the same person very deeply & are loved by that same person in return, that J & I are just not compatible, even as friends (and possible housemates in the future)?
Is there a way to find this out before we commit to this relationship & move in together, so that it doesnít end in an emotional explosion that destroys all 3 of us?
11-08-2011, 07:13 AM
how was it before you agreed to a commitment ceremony? Did you butt heads then? Would you be okay with them committing and you all NOT moving in together for awhile longer if ever?
I think if there is something not sitting well it would be best to get on it and stop the process of carrying out a ceremony that you are not feeling comfortable with. That doesn't sound like jealousy to me, it sounds like you don't want that. So say so. It doesn't mean that you have to say that you will never want that but that you don't want it right now and you are not ready. Hopefully they will respect that and give you the time you need to see if its the situation you are in or the ceremony and moving in that are causing you to feel the feelings you do.
11-08-2011, 08:25 AM
Thank you redpepper, you have given me some more to think about and some avenues to explore .
Even before S asked J & I to marry her, I felt out of place when the 3 of us spent time together. I never had issues with her being with him when I wasn't around (I actually quite enjoyed the quiet weekends at home when they went away together). When S asked us to marry her, it was a kind of spur of the moment thing brought on by a wedding, candlelight and a few glasses of wine, and my answer was very much the same. I know in my heart that I am fully ready to commit to S for eternity, it the idea of living with J that worries me. On some level I feel as though J & I have never really "clicked".
& as it is after 3am, coherent thoughts are becoming harder to come by, I will mull some of this over while I sleep.
11-08-2011, 01:43 PM
It sounds to me like you love your S, she loves J and you, but you and J do NOT get along.
J is your metamour. Metamours do not need to get along, like each other, love each other... much less live together! They only need to respect each other, be polite and share their common lover in a mature generous fashion.
I'd never hold someone to a "decision" they made while under the influence of alcohol!
My recommendation is, S should see you and J separately. Sure, marry her (legally or not, depending on your state's laws), live with her, love her. She can commit in whatever way she wants with J. She can have "two homes," the one you two share, and the one she shares w J (his place).
Don't even hang around with them on their dates if it makes you miserable. Let her see him separately. However, there is a possibility he is a "cowboy" and is trying to wedge himself in between you (since you said you feel like a 3rd wheel when all 3 of you are together) and cut you out of her life... make sure she knows your fears around that.
11-08-2011, 09:20 PM
Thank you all for just being here. Being able to put this out there, get some feedback & just coalesce my thoughts and feelings has been exceptionally helpful. Forgive me as I toss another thought out there. There is, amongst our circle of friends a highly compatible quad family. They make it look so easy and effortless that I wonder if it has given us an unnatural expectation that if J & I both love S and S loves both J & I then we should be able to function together as a unit. As I read the other posts here and other sites it seems that these friends of may be the exception, rather than the rule and that I should not feel that we have failed in our relationship because we are unable to live by the same model.
Feel free to toss feedback on this my way, it does seem to help. I have a lunch date this week with another poly friend of ours who has spent a lot of time with the three of us together & separately and I hope to pick her brain a bit. Then after that I think that S, J & I need to sit and talk. I do feel that just posting here has definitely helped me figure out exactly which part of Sís dream of our future was causing the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, as well as helping me articulate my feelings in a not so overly emotional way. That will go a long way towards making any conversation about our future together easier.
11-09-2011, 12:46 AM
I wonder if it's hurtful that you've been with S for three years and it's only now, after 1 year with J, that she asks you for a life commitment, and only in the context of also asking him for the same. That sort of commitment is a BIG deal, and it seems premature for her to be seeking that from a partner she's never lived with -- shouldn't there be a trial period first? Also, would they be the ones getting "legally" married?
And yes, be very clear on this -- you have NOT failed just because you and J don't get along. You're not in a relationship with him, and theres nothing whatsoever that says you should have chemistry with him. If you don't feel you can even talk to him, there's absolutely no way you should be considering living together at this point. At least tell S that you feel he butts in between the two of you and isolates you when the three of you are together. Maybe she can talk to him about it if you can't, or she could at least be sure to keep an eye out for it and actively bring you back in when he does that.
As for working through jealousy, try the resources at www.morethantwo.com. It definitely can't hurt to brush up on things that might be triggering you, but I don't think this is just a case of baseless jealousy.
11-09-2011, 12:51 AM
jealousy- there are lots of threads on jealousy here if you do a tag search for this... its a hot topic and there have been many that have gone before. You can find the tags in the search engine on your tool bar above.