Coming out [Archive] - Polyamory.com Forum

mellsey

04-17-2009, 02:20 PM

I have a question for anyone who can help.

history first - in a quad mfmf - two married couples together with each other in a poly relationship. This is all new to all of us.

question - How do you deal with society and people you have daily interactions with? Example: my boss has noticed a change in me says I am under a lot of stress and he is worried about me. How do I explain to him, yes there is more stress, but worth every minute of it because I am happy with what I have. He won't understand or agree with the lifestyle we have. My job won't suffer, but his view towards me could change. Also, our families would not understand, but it is so hard each day not to tell them, look this is what I have and I am happy with it. I just want to shout it from the mountain side, but know that we will be frowned upon.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you

Alhena

04-17-2009, 05:28 PM

Well I'm going through this right now so I'm prob not much help since I'm just as confused.

I have a new bf and I've told my eldest sister and couple friends that hes married and we're in a poly relationship. Mostly i've gotten curious/good responses from friends except one who totally said it was horrible, then my sister has made it clear she doesnt aprove but shes is still being supportive and understanding, i dont blame her because i know shes doing it because she loves me and thinks the best thing for me is to have the 1 guy totally devoted me. Of course she is wrong because Im very happy with my bf hes amazing and I that makes me want to tell more people mainly my mother, (who constantly bugs me to date so i want to be like hah look at my hot sweet amazing bf)but i cant obviously because if he comes around they will notice his wedding ring which I would never ask him to remove.

I brought him on a big group date with a large chunk of my friends and a cousin, i introduced him a my bf and that was it. Everything went well, we had a great night but after he left 1 friend asked me if that was a wedding ring he was wearing so i said yes and explained, he also expressed his concern for my feelings like my sister but also understood.

Ive tried practicing with strangers to get better at explaining it, i say it casually just to see their reaction like I'll say "oh my bfs wife blah blah" whatever im talking about and only once I've gotten a negative response and it was an asshole asking since I was free to date if I wanted to hook up, he seemed to think it was all about sex which its not we have a relationship and care for each other we arent swingers.

mellsey

04-17-2009, 05:52 PM

Alhena,
Thanks for your response. I don't care who knows that I love two guys and that one is married to another person, I want to tell everyone. It is society who frowns on us and I do not know how he (my boss) will take it. I have to work for this guy for a living and he is about my age, and owns his own company and I am worried he will look down on me and think he can not depend on me the way he does now not knowing. Our parents don't know either and that worries me too. Eventually they will find out. I quess it would be better for us to tell them than them find out through the grapevine.

Kraven

09-21-2009, 05:36 PM

How do you deal with it? The people that are prejudice towards you after learning of your relationship orientation of Polyamorous! How do you move forward knowing fully well the way people will treat you? What stops you from taking the easy road and just staying "normal"?

WaywardDruid

09-21-2009, 05:40 PM

I am Normal. It's them and they that are abby-normal.

If they or them have a problem with my life choices then it's their problem, not mine.

Just Me,
Tim

NeonKaos

09-21-2009, 05:52 PM

It's like anything else. People will find a problem with something even if you're not "poly", so as long as whatever it is isn't illegal, let them think whatever they think and do what is best for YOU. You can't change the world, but you can change how you react to it.

That is like saying, "I will not cut my hair a certain way because some people might not accept me, or they will think I am [this way] because other people who have a green mohawk or a blond mullet "are" [this way].

It sucks when it's your parents or your boss because those people, their opinions do matter to a degree, but they can either deal with it or you can organize your life in such a way that it doesn't affect your routine.

Having said all that, I am not "practicing" a polyamorous lifestyle at this time, but I do cat rescue, and people judge me for that, so I do know what I am talking about after all.

MonoVCPHG

09-21-2009, 06:25 PM

There are very few people I let into my life or develop true connection with. There are even less that I care about thier opinions of me. I really don't care how most view my life and am more concerned about how those I love are treated. I can be isolated without great impact, it's disrespect towards my chosen family that will get a response.

In general though, I find as soon as people see us together they relax and see that we are happy. If they can't see past thier own shit and handle it, fuck them. As long as they aren't hurting my family I'm cool with not interacting with them. If thier intention is to hurt my family then I'm perfectly happy to interact with them on that level as well ;)

aussielover

09-21-2009, 09:14 PM

I would say 95% of our friends know (good friends) and about 20% of our family knows so far. With our friends, all but one (whom you might have read as they psyco) hasn't really flinched when we told them. Most were aware of our previous relationship and want us to be happy. Some are concerned and maybe don't understand it really, but they are supportive.
As for family, I can only speak for my side, One of my cousins know, and my birthmother (Was adopted) and brother and his gf know. That's it. She's more like a sister to me though than a cousin. She's always supportive and wants me to be happy. The only reason my parents don't know is I want them to see our relationship is strong and established. Especially after just coming out of a long, unhealthy relationship and moving half way around the world. I don't plan on hiding it from them forever. They've already commented on how much happier I sound and look (while on skype) now I'm here.
As for anyone else, I really don't care what they think. The kids have seen some affection on all our parts and haven't seemed to think twice about it. Really their wellbeing is all I care about besides, my loves obviously. No one elses oppinion matters. They'll deal and stick around or they wont, and if they don't, then they're not worth my love and attention.

Sunshinegrl

09-21-2009, 09:22 PM

As Al said Above. most of our friends know. I have one friend who is a bit silly about it all. Especially after Her mum seen AL and I out and Seen me grab her on the bum. hehe But Generally Its been a Kinda Each to their own kind of attitude. And the kids don't seem to be phased at all.

foxflame88

09-21-2009, 10:00 PM

I'm one of the folks that couldn't care less what others think of me or my choices. I live to make myself happy... not them.

aussielover

09-21-2009, 10:17 PM

I have one friend who is a bit silly about it all. Especially after Her mum seen AL and I out and Seen me grab her on the bum. hehe

Ahh yes, as she said the "grope session" :rolleyes: clearly our hands were all over each other at Target.
Ooh, this friend too, last week, asked me how my weekend was, I told her I was a bit sore (I had been to my first tai bo class the day before) she right away laughs and says "I don't think I want to know" Like I was about to complain from being sore from sex. ummmm noooooooooo, don't think so.

greenearthal

09-22-2009, 01:11 AM

I am fortunate to have been raised by a mother who would have been fine with it. And presently I have very few ties that can deeply affect me, so I feel free to be completely publicly poly. I try very hard not to be "in your face" poly, but I also don't shy away from it in any situations. I try to play very nonchalant about it but, if I'm totally honest, I have to admit that I have gotten a little charge out of it the first time a phrase like "my other girlfriend" or "my girlfriend's other boyfriend" would come up in conversations with my old boss or other similarly socially conservative people.

sea

09-22-2009, 02:57 AM

sweetie

09-22-2009, 05:01 AM

I don't think there is an easy road. People will think what they think. You can let the whispers and finger pointing make you insecure, but keep in mind, you don't take those people home with you. What they think is of no real consequence. The people who know you, who accept you, who love you, they are the only ones who matter.

NIMchimpsky

09-22-2009, 05:04 AM

I say just ignore those people. I ignore those people along with the homophobes and the transphobes, etc.

Then again ignoring pointing fingers is a whole lot easier when you're deafblind. :D

I really like what sweetie said. The only people whose opinion matters are the ones you take home and the ones that care about you and love you.

nim

Tia

09-22-2009, 10:22 AM

I think if they love you, and you present as happy and centered when you tell them, then they should be happy for you - but they can still worry. My mother ALWAYS worries about me when I talk about a new boyfriend (and my father gets terribly uncomfortable.. I think because he doesn't like the thought of me having sex.. haha).

Now I am opening myself to polyamory I don't expect that to change (though I am sure my mother will gossip about me much more with her husband when I tell her about my new girlfriend AND boyfriend.. haha)...

But sadly our loved ones often have their own insecurities & demons which they might project onto our situations. If you care about your relationship with these people then it's worth remembering that and maybe being patient and more than a little forgiving I think. Let them see you all together.. and how truly happy and at ease you are.. how much you love & support each other... it might make them less judgemental...

There is also (I have found from the friends I've told this last few weeks) a BIG propensity to associate poly attitudes with a desire/freedom for promiscuity. Ha.. I just laugh with them.. let them have their little envious fantasies (I don't blame them tbh, my new loves are both STUNNING!).

In time they will see how dedicated I am to my loves. That I'm not sleeping around and that we are all an important part of each others lives. I am just learning about this lifestyle myself, and my acceptance of it didn't happen instantly. It would be very unfair of me to expect theirs to.

:)

XYZ123

09-22-2009, 12:33 PM

I don't deal with it. I tell people on a "need to know" basis. Or if I feel they will handle it well. Most of my friends know, with the exception of people whos friendship is based more on their child's relationship with my son. I don't feel a need to tell them since the friendship on our part is more superficial and the only person who will be really affected by their opinion is my child. Quite a few of my family members know. I've told the ones I know are more accepting. But there are others in my family who still think interracial marriage is taboo-forget gay or poly or anything else. Aside from my father (who thinks this way) I really have nothing to do with those relatives. My dad I haven't told directly but I try very hard to break down his prejudice whenever I get the chance. He's accepting my husband is Hispanic and sis's fiance is black so it's progress. People I CHOOSE to have in my life for myself know. Because I chose them in part for their open minds and acceptance of others. I try not to associate with judgmental and closed minded people whenever possible. And no one needs to know whom I don't want to tell.

Right now my husband and I are again in a mono relationship, so it isn't a big deal not to run around being open about poly. Should we form another relationship we'll worry about it then.

Nyx

09-23-2009, 12:23 AM

Having said all that, I am not "practicing" a polyamorous lifestyle at this time, but I do cat rescue, and people judge me for that, so I do know what I am talking about after all.

Yeah we know all about you cat rescue people....!!:D

NeonKaos

09-23-2009, 02:04 PM

Yeah we know all about you cat rescue people....!!:D

I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean?

WaywardDruid

09-23-2009, 04:22 PM

http://lazarusl.com/ShakeMe.jpg

Just Me,
Tim

Aaronp

09-24-2009, 01:27 AM

I keep reading about how much prejudice there is towards us but in my own personal experience it has been minimal. Sure people have a hard time understanding sometimes, but I have been pleasantly surprised at how well my friends have taken it. The worst reaction so far was a friend who argued with me that "she's not your girlfriend! You guys are just fuck buddies".

redpepper

09-24-2009, 06:12 AM

people have written women great stuff in these threads

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=721

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=220

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=728

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=698

Sorry, all but one are started by me. I know what I have written about and remember what is on them... hope that you find something helpful.

I have recently been going through coming out to my mother who hasn't talked to me in 3 1/2 weeks now. It breaks my heart on one level but makes me stronger on another in that we have had remarkable support from others. Being oneself always comes out as the best option as far as I'm concerned. Those who don't have the capacity to love you for who you are, without condition, without expectation always seem to come to the fore front and are the only ones that matter, no matter who they are.... I go to where the love is myself :)

Nyx

09-24-2009, 10:32 PM

I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean?

I don't know! It's a little playful sarcasm because I couldn't figure out what anyone would be prejudiced about towards someone who does cat rescue, I guess....haha. It was meant to be a joke, sorry if I offended you. It only rang a bell with me because I have done cat rescue in the past and never encountered any social problems because of it.:o......

Nyx

09-24-2009, 10:39 PM

Re: the thread, though....my sister just called my bf "sleazy" today because of some stuff I told her that is going on. That one stung. I know my family doesn't like my bf at all because of the way he is - they see him as being phony, slutty, unfair, disloyal, dishonest, etc, etc, etc. Oh well. They don't know him like I know him. And the good thing is they stay out of it for the most part. Aside from some name-calling and "ewwww" reactions, they at least don't hold it against me.

I am sorry for redpepper, how your mother won't talk to you now that you told her? I can't imagine how that would hurt.

I actually have a date with a new person this weekend, and I am a little worried how to handle it. I am just going to take it easy, but I am wondering if something more develops how I would face my family....I'm afraid of them saying "ewww now you're doing it too??"

Seasnail

01-19-2010, 03:03 AM

A while back, my husband and I separated following his affair. He ended things with her, and we got back together about three months later. Seeing him grieve for her was an eye-opening experience for me, and when he asked me about trying an open relationship, I agreed to consider it quite seriously because I care deeply for him. I began to see that he has always been poly, and since we got together young, he didn't have a chance to figure that out on his own.

I read up, and interviewed some friends who have open relationships, and observed their interactions for about 6 months. In the end, I agreed that with some rules in place to protect my feelings, he could have some flexibility to see other people as well.

Since then, and totally unexpectedly, I crushed on a mutual friend of ours, and the relationship has turned romantic and sexual. My husband is very supportive, and I am enjoying the experience so far.

My best friend, however, doesn't know. She's shown judgemental attitude toward this kind of lifestyle before, and I didn't mention it to her before because I thought it was just going to be my husband playing with others, and that's really none of her business. Keeping the fact that I have a boyfriend from her is awkward, but I am afraid of her reaction.

Does anyone have a similar experience, or words of advice to share?

MonoVCPHG

01-19-2010, 03:33 AM

There is no lack of stories about coming out to judgmental people. Usually they are simply coming from a place of misunderstanding then actual malice. Go with your gut, if you trust her and need to tell her than do it.
I lost almost an entire social circle. The ones that are really important are worth the work...most will either be in my life or not, easy come, easy go...but it still hurts a little.

Take care and good luck
Mono

LovingRadiance

01-19-2010, 04:09 AM

Lots of examples on here of that type of thing.
Try the search button for help.

I know for me personally-I was always poly in action-only didn't know the word for it, so once I found the word it was no big deal to talk to people about it.

But Maca (my husband) has a number of people he hasn't told. Some he did tell, well he was shocked by HOW accepting they were.

redpepper

01-19-2010, 08:53 AM

If you want deep relationships then you have to be honest and open about your life and expect the same. Sometimes it means people show their true colours for the negative and sometimes for the positive. You roll the dice and see what you get. If this doesn't work out then you have just made room for a new friend that will possibly understand more and love you for just who you are. If it does work out it will deepen the friendship even more.

DrunkenPorcupine

01-19-2010, 09:22 AM

I didn't think I'd hear these kinds of things from my friends, considering how I run in iconoclastic circles. Yet two pairs of friends BOTH said something to me today like "How can you be poly without drama" as if somehow monogamy avoids drama!

I don't feel scared, I feel a little annoyed. How do you guys walk around all day claiming to be critical thinkers and then fall back into the traditional tripe you're taught when it comes to relationships?

Grrrrrrrrr!

Not much advice, but I think I'm relating. :P

CielDuMatin

01-19-2010, 02:36 PM

I didn't think I'd hear these kinds of things from my friends, considering how I run in iconoclastic circles. Yet two pairs of friends BOTH said something to me today like "How can you be poly without drama" as if somehow monogamy avoids drama!DP. I have had similar head-scratching moments while talking to people about poly. The people I hold in great regard as critical thinkers really had issues with the poly relationships style, while others have surprised me positively, in that they could deal with it much better than I thought they would.

Kraven

01-19-2010, 02:38 PM

I'm still new to poly but as far as I know with this 3rd party not knowing the situation between your boyfriend, you and her complicates things because she hasn't given her consent to any of this! You should just tell her and give her a chance to choose! Besides, why would you care to love someone that can't accept you for you!

sisterinlove

01-19-2010, 09:27 PM

Coming out of the closet can be a frightening, nerve-wracking thing. In my own personal circle of family and friends (not my husband's, not his girfriend's) there is truly only one person I worry about finding out. Not because I think this person will not love me, but because it may well hurt her. This person is my paternal grandmother. Granny has always been incredibly important in my life and she gets a lot of the credit for helping me to become the person I am. She is Southern Baptist, and lately her views have become a little less flexible. She is still the gentle loving person she always was, and she would never be harsh or turn away from me, but I do not want her to ever be hurt by what she might see as my sinful way of life (laugh).

I would love to be completely open about our relationship to the world. Only openess will actually move us, as a part of our society, down the road to universal acceptance. But we often balance that with how it will affect those we love.

Our choices in who knows or who doesn't often leaves us treading a thin line. The very nature of being poly means that we are perhaps more open to the feelings of others, more affected by what others think or the hurt we could cause with who we are. But we also have the RIGHT to our feelings and choices, and having to hide that brings us pain as well. For each of us, for each person we tell, we have to consider the effect that knowledge will have on them, and on others in their lives. Like any other piece of knowledge we share (and most especially life-altering, earthshaking knowledge) it is very much like droping a stone in water. The larger the stone, the bigger the wave. Some of those we tell (and those they might tell) will be swamped by the knowledge, others will ride it out and come out a bit stronger and more experienced on the other side.

Ultimately, with each telling, we have to decide how important our relationship is with that person. We must balance how much we need to be completely honest with that person with how much it will hurt us to loose that relationship or cause them pain if they cannot accept or understand.

Hmm, that was a lot of rambling and very little practical advice I am afraid. So here is the practical advice:
Try holding a philisophical discussion with her about polyamory and play 'devil's advocate' so to speak. If she is rabidly against it and will not consider that those in poly relationships might be happy and normal, for themselves, then you will know that telling her will most likely loose you that friend. If after some discussion she opens her mind, then there is a chance there.

Good luck and be strong.

Seasnail

01-20-2010, 06:25 AM

I care to love her because I love her... she'd be my sister if she'd been born of the same parents. She doesn't get to 'consent' to my lifestyle choices any more than she would if I were moving across the country. We don't agree on everything, but she's my family nonetheless. I don't think that we won't be friends because of it. I'm afraid of her anger, I'm afraid of hurting her, I'm afraid she will misunderstand.

I have had philosophical discussions with her... we have mutual friends who are openly Poly, and she continues to speak negatively of their choices, and that is where I get this feeling that she'll not understand. Anyway, I'm going to visit her this weekend, and I'm going to try to tell her. I've been over it a bunch of times in my head, and I can't decide how to start the conversation.

"M and I decided to open our relationship a while back, and I've been seeing T since Halloween."

"M asked me to consider an open relationship, and I agreed to consider it to be 'fair', even though I was sure I'd just say 'no', but the consideration changed me..."

"I've been seeing T for a couple of months now... M knows and has been supportive."

I dunno.

Lemondrop

01-22-2010, 10:33 PM

I care to love her because I love her... she'd be my sister if she'd been born of the same parents. She doesn't get to 'consent' to my lifestyle choices any more than she would if I were moving across the country. We don't agree on everything, but she's my family nonetheless. I don't think that we won't be friends because of it. I'm afraid of her anger, I'm afraid of hurting her, I'm afraid she will misunderstand.

Why don't you start with that, or something similar? I thought it was beautiful. Speaking as a woman who was the judgemental friend for 18 years (oh how I'm eating my words now), I think she can handle it. Maybe her judgement will just go underground for a while, but when the friends who love you that much see how you feel about your partners, it makes it all right even if they don't agree. Good luck!

irishjack

04-02-2010, 02:59 AM

ok, so i've recently (and traumatically) come out as "polyamorous" to friends and family. it's been a hard-arrived at ideological stance that has been traumatic and cost me horribly (i lost my lovely wife over it). i'm in a serious relationship at the moment, but we are both ideologically opposed to lifelong monogamy as an ideal.

i'm heterosexual but kind of feel like i'm a gay guy in the 1950s coming out - there's not really widely accepted terminology for what i am - one who believes that one can be intimate and in love with more than one person at a time without that intimacy/love necessarily being a betrayal of any other. no-one in my circle gets me at all. it's been painful and costly and i'm still reeling.

anyone else got any traumatic "coming out" stories that'd encourage me on??

MonoVCPHG

04-02-2010, 03:10 AM

Hi Irishjack,

Here's a link (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=721) to Redpepper's coming out. Accusations of child abuse and all :( BUT things have come around....slooowly.

Peace and Love
Mono

TL4everu2

04-02-2010, 03:13 AM

You may find this a traumatic event....However, with time, people will likely get "used" to it. If not, try not to make it a big deal for them. I.E. Don't talk about it or make a large fuss over it at different events where these people are. I know that my adopted parents would FLIP if I told them....and so I don't. But my biological mother, is more open and grounded when it comes to "differences", and doesn't really voice an opinion on things of this matter. When I introduce my wife, and my GF, I introduce my wife as "my wife", and my GF, simply as a very close friend. In more "open" circles, I introduce her as my GF, while my wife introcuces me as her husband and her BF as her BF to more "open" circles.

In my opinion, if it hurts, don't do it. So if it hurts or offends, don't tell them. They may question, but refer them to your wife. This way, they will know that she is open to it and not injured and you are not cheating.

GroundedSpirit

04-02-2010, 03:03 PM

Hey Jack,

Well, unless you see it as your role to be a campaigner or champion of the cause, then it's nobody's business how you lead your personal life.
For those you care enough about to try to be honest with them - each is an individual choice.

Good luck. Don't let it become some pressure. Just live & love.

GS

DreamGal

04-03-2010, 12:24 AM

Irishjack,

I understand why you wanted to "Come Out". It can be hard to keep something, that you feel is a part of you, all bottled up inside. The ones who don't understand you and are giving you a hard time probably just don't feel it is a lifestyle for them. So they don't know how to react to your situation.

Maybe some day they will come around and accept it... then again, maybe not. Whatever happens, know that you are true to yourself and try to understand that they just have a different perspective on life. It's ok to be who you are. Just don't forget to let them be who they are. If it bothers them too much, try not to flaunt it in front of them. We can all live with acceptance and understanding if we just respect and acknowledge that we are all different in many ways.

Take care and good luck with your situation! If you ever want to talk about it, feel free to message me.

irishjack

04-03-2010, 03:03 AM

thanks for the words guys. so much appreciated. really do feel like a loner a lot of the time in all this and caught in the bitter irony of having to lose a beautiful intimacy with my wife in order to pursue more intimacies. i'm just at the very beginning of what will be a long, long journey. trying to be true to myself (as polonius advised!) but frig it's a hard path at times.

peace.

CFstasha

04-05-2010, 03:27 PM

I felt the same way when I started coming out to family as childfree, which became an amazingly complicated ordeal with family that I wasn't prepared for. We haven't even told my in-laws that we're never planning children; the bulk of the judgment comes from the fact that we don't have them YET (and we're only 32/33!) I never considered being childless by choice to be a controversial "lifestyle" choice until I started telling people about it. Especially since I don't really feel this is a choice; it's how I'm wired and the only choice involved is choosing not to push myself into something because that's "normal". It's hard as hell.

I cannot even imagine what my in-laws would say if they found out I wasn't monogamous with my husband. Because of that, I don't see myself ever being open with family about this, and that makes me sad. Already I want to tell my mom, who I'm pretty close with, about my boyfriend, but I know she'd never ever ever ever understand, so she looks at me confused when I say things like "I'm spending the weekend with my best friend's boyfriend", so even that much information is hard to share.

Good luck to you as you go through this so openly!! It takes a lot of courage, and that's such a shame.

MonoVCPHG

04-05-2010, 05:21 PM

Tough question, but a valid influence I believe. How much of your family's hurt and anger is attributed to their sense that you abandoned your new daughter and couldn't handle the responsibility of being a dad? This might be more of a concern to them than poly ever could be.
I know something about losing a daughter so I feel for you and hope you will be able to be a part of her life.

Take care
Mono

ladyjools

04-05-2010, 08:32 PM

We are out with everyone we know, and i mean everyone from my gran, to the people i work with. It has not been easy but at same time it does have its rewards. I feel far more free knowing that everyone knows and im not trying to keep it a secret like its something i should be ashamed off,

i been called lots of horrible names, whore, slut, greedy but, then i did have support from some people i didn't expect it, and others who i think have a far greater understanding to the alternatives of monogomy because they have talked to us,

i would not change being out dispite it being extreemly difficult

Jools

booklady78

04-06-2010, 05:35 AM

I've just come out to most of my family within the last few weeks and it has been both liberating and heartbreaking. All of our friends have been so incredibly loving and supportive. Family has ranged from concerned to confused to indifferent, but mostly our relationships with them are still intact.
I've completely ruined my relationship with my Dad over it though. It's still very early, but I've disappointed him and he's ashamed of me. As a daughter who has spent her whole life wanting him to be proud of me, his reaction was devestating. I'm having to learn to let go of my need for his approval, and it's so hard. He's withdrawn his love and support until I'm 'done with all of it' meaning my poly relationships.
I'm not willing to sacrifice what I have with my husband and bf, I'm happier than I've ever been. That doesn't mean there's no pain at having to step away from the relationship I have with my Dad.
I can only imagine the pain you are going through having lost your spouse. I hope that your poly journey brings you much happiness though, because it really can. :)

X-User1335

07-06-2010, 04:41 PM

I realize that many relationships on here are different than the kind that my husband, myself, and our girlfriend have. So, with that in mind please advise the best way you can! Thanks!

My husband and I have a girlfriend. Things are getting serious and we're looking into the future and some questions are coming up.

What do you say to family members about your girlfriend becoming a permenant part of your family?

I, the female, have full custody of my child who is 15. The x sees him about once a year and I don't think he'd kick up to much trouble over it anyway, but could this cause problems for me in regards to keeping custody of my son? How would I explaine to the Judge that our girlfriend lives with us?

I know those questions are loaded. Any advice would be helpful though as these are things that we are starting to look at and wonder how they would unfold.

Ariakas

07-06-2010, 05:08 PM

I, the female, have full custody of my child who is 15. The x sees him about once a year and I don't think he'd kick up to much trouble over it anyway, but could this cause problems for me in regards to keeping custody of my son? How would I explaine to the Judge that our girlfriend lives with us?

Yes, it could cause problems. Depends on the law where you are. You may want to search this forum as this particular challenge has been discussed at length and is a very serious concern.

As a non parental husband I don't have a problem telling people I am open. I just tell them and they accept it. I haven't hit any serious back lash personally.

X-User1335

07-06-2010, 05:26 PM

My biggest problem at this point is NOT telling people. I'm dying to tell people that my husband and I are in love with our girlfriend! :)

The thing with my son, he's 15 and at this point I would give him the choice of where he wanted to be. I think he would get over it pretty quick and love her to death, as I know she will him. I guess that part is something I'll have to deal with as it comes.

I really wonder how my friends are going to react when I tell them that "we" as a couple have a woman that we both love and want in our family.

I'm seriously about to test it out on someone just to see how it unfolds!! Maybe a online friend to start.............LOL

redpepper

07-06-2010, 07:33 PM

I would suggest doing some research on here too. There have been threads before that have asked similar questions.

Quath

07-07-2010, 05:58 AM

Each state is different in how it could be handled and within a state, such an issue may depend on which judge you would get. However, for a 15 year old, I think it would be less of an issue than if the child were younger (and considered more impressionable). If you have a good relationship with your ex (he won't try to dick you over) then you will probably be ok.

I think when you tell someone, let the excitement come through and I think people will not react too negatively. They may be concerned and try to give some advise. But you can counter with stuff like "living life to the fullest" or "taking the path less traveled" or "we are all happy, so what's the problem".

Let us know how it goes when you tell someone. I am curious to see what reactions you get.

MonoVCPHG

07-08-2010, 02:02 AM

One bit of advice.....hold off telling anyone until things settle. There are way to many stories of people rushing into things during the euphoric age of relationships which results in complete implosion. Be patient, let the foundation of your relationship solidify. This will cause ripples so make sure it is strong enough to ride them out :)

RGee91

07-08-2010, 02:42 AM

I would encourage telling an online friend first, to help build up that courage :) and hopefully they'll be supportive. Telling strangers is usually the easy part (hence you telling us ;) ) But if it's really serious and you see her in your lives forever (like moving-in serious) I'd highly suggest the first "real" person you tell be your son. That way when you tell friends and family, and they all ask the inevitable "what does your son think" or "how will this affect him" questions, you can answer completely and honestly. And I'm sure he'll support you anyway :)

and just a tad more advice, coworkers are last on the totem pole to know (if they need to know at all). Letting coworkers know too much about your personal life often leads to unnecessary drama.... good luck!! ^_^

Edward

07-08-2010, 03:38 PM

We generally DON'T tell people. Close friends know about our relationship, but we don't advertise nor make mention of things. Family knows A2 as a 'roomate' and 'close friend'. (Well, except for my mother...who's remarkably tolerant of anything that isn't in public and doesn't scare the horses.) If A's family knows or suspects that there's more...they don't ask, and we don't volunteer.

Legally it gets trickier...another reason NOT to say anything. Having a roomate who's not related/married is more common these days than you'd think. (The rotten economy is good for something...) Without actual statements of a relationship, making a judgement solely on basic living arrangements is venturing into speculation, something MOST judges tend to avoid.

As for children...they are far more aware of things than most adults give them credit for. You're not going to be able to keep your relationship secret from your son, so don't try. (Not that I think you would...) Children also tend to be more accepting of things; if everyone's happy, that's all that really matters to them (emotionally).

X-User1335

07-08-2010, 06:10 PM

I'm a member of a group online and have been for over 3 years. I told them all about what we're planning. Every one was very understanding. Not one person said anything negative at all. The ones who weren't to sure about it just said, hey, it's your life...kind of thing. But I was asked alot of questions, which I expected.

It felt so GOOD to say it to people that I know in RL. One of the girls that I came out to is someone that lives semi close and we've been to visit! She is totally understanding and actually excited for us.

She said something so nice. She said "Most people are lucky if they find one person in the world to love, you guys found two, how lucky is that"

That just touched my heart.

I'm really surprised, I thought there would be some backlash but not at all. I'm so happy!

Erato

07-14-2010, 09:15 PM

my boss has noticed a change in me says I am under a lot of stress and he is worried about me. How do I explain to him, yes there is more stress, but worth every minute of it because I am happy with what I have. He won't understand or agree with the lifestyle we have. My job won't suffer, but his view towards me could change.

Honestly? I would say that it's not his business, specifically, what the details of your relationship(s) are. I know a lot of bosses try to make out "I want to know so I can help" but if you're not comfortable, even if he reacted well to it, then you don't have to share. It's your choice. If you're confident and loud and proud about coming out as poly then more power to you. Just remember that even though people shouldn't judge they are usually just frightened of things which are new and strange to them and don't really mean you harm.

Also, our families would not understand, but it is so hard each day not to tell them, look this is what I have and I am happy with it. I just want to shout it from the mountain side, but know that we will be frowned upon.

I know every family is different. I was blessed with a very loving, open and understanding family. I thought I would be judged harshly, especially by my mother, if I told them I was poly. I've talked to them about it, not all of them but those I was comfortable with, one on one and actually seeking guidance around it. Maybe it helps that I am one of the younger siblings in the family but they have shown me nothing but love and support.

If it's really important to you to tell your family then maybe try gently talking to the one member you are closest too first? You can always branch out or shut out depending on how you feel after you tell them.

Good luck!

sage

07-20-2010, 09:22 AM

I am not good at living a double life. I'm not going out of my way to tell people but as it comes up it comes up and I'm not going to lie about it. My younger daughter (19) just had a fit when I told her a couple of hours ago. She wouldn't have been someone I would have told by choice but she saw this forum on my computer and asked about it. I tried to distract her but she insisted and insisted.

She went right off, tears, melodrama the lot. I find it hard to believe I have raised such conservative kids.

TL4everu2

07-20-2010, 01:43 PM

Sage, don't be disheartened. Give her some ttime to get used to the idea.

Edward

07-20-2010, 04:13 PM

For many teenagers, it's all melodrama in their lives. (Remember Romeo and Julet?) And they're trying to develop their own identity, which for some unfortunately means finding faults with their parents. (Mark Twain: "When I was 18, I thought my father was completely uneducated. But I was amazed when I turned 21 at how much the old man had learned.")

And your daughter has learned an important lesson; sometimes you REALLY don't want to know the answer. This will serve her well later in life.

sage

07-20-2010, 06:19 PM

Thanks guys, I was feeling disheartened, still am really I suppose. The irony in the situation is that she said she really, really, really values monogamy because her father and I were so bad at it while she was growing up. We both had affairs in what was a very rocky relationship. If we had of been polyamorous, our marriage may have worked and I wonder if it would have changed her point of view.
My other daughter is more accepting, still thinks we're "abnormal" and she has also chosen a conservative Christian life.

Morningglory629

07-21-2010, 05:37 AM

Well, if she has faith in monogamy becasue she witnessed you struggle to keep a rocky relationship together then maybe she will eventually accept and even embrace poly when she finds you to be happy and content in your choices. She cannot say you do not work on your relationships. There is something to be said for the journey and how you handle yourself-perseverence, discovery, acceptance, openness and self-actualization are all things we experience in and out of relationships. Coming out about anything unorthodox isn't easy, but rest in the fact that you have the strength to do so. You are a Hell of a woman!:)

sage

07-21-2010, 06:22 AM

Thanks MG (sent me off into tears, but in a good way). You have been so helpful to me in this journey. I just need to get my head around the fact that it isn't always children trying to be accepted by disapproving parents. Sometimes it's the other way around and that's OK as well. I am trying to feel proud of myself that I'm still growing and not content to be the boring, invisible mother that I'm sure L would be much more comfortable with.

AnotherConfused

07-27-2010, 03:23 AM

Sage, I am new here and don't know your relationship situation, but it's likely that your daughter sees "monogamy" as a synonym for "fidelity" or "commitment". If those are part of your lifestyle, it might be reassuring for her to hear it. That being polyamorous doesn't mean your love life is without stability, or that you are adding and subtracting partners on a whim. People tend to want to be able to count on their parents to keep being who they think they are. Help her understand what this really means. I've been reading this site for just a few days and it's changed a lot of what I thought I knew about love and about myself. She might have all sorts of horrifying misconceptions scaring the heck out of her. It's bound to get better for you both. Good luck.

sage

07-27-2010, 05:50 AM

Hi

And thanks for your supportive advice, I really appreciate your taking the time to give my situation some thought.

You are right in that she didn't realise that my partner Z doesn't just sleep around with people willy nilly. She was cool with that after a time. I think at nineteen and in a 3 year old relationship herself she projects her emotions onto me.
It was when I tried to explain a triad relationship that she lost it. I hope I don't offend anyone when I say she screamed at me that she didn;t want a "Lesbo mother". I found this attitude disappointing in my own daughter as some of her best friends are Lesbian and bi. She said that's fine for them but not for me. I was initially upset but now I see it as just another example of her wanting me to be something that I'm not. It has probably come from her father, he was very similar and it's interesting that these threads continue even after the marriage has ended.

Even though at the moment I'm pretty much on the mono side of poly I find having polyamory in my life a great personal growth experience.

AnotherConfused

07-27-2010, 06:42 AM

I was initially upset but now I see it as just another example of her wanting me to be something that I'm not.

I think teens would react this way to all sorts of things. You grow up with an image of who your parents are, and it shakes you up if that changes. It would probably be similar if she'd just learned that you wanted to spend winters in South America; or take up the accordion; or join a motorcycle club; or become a talk show host (assuming none of these fit in with your character before). I was about 19 when my mom decided to rent an apartment where she could spend time alone, and to join a new age drumming group. I felt like she betrayed my image of who she was supposed to be -at home making dinner for dad. But behind it all, daughters do want their moms to be happy. She'll come around.

As for the lesbian bit -no one likes to think of their parent having sex with anyone anyway! Grooossss! Again, I bet she'll come around. Especially if she accepts it in her friends.

sage

07-27-2010, 06:54 AM

yes (sigh) I agree with everything you say.

I used to encourage my own parents to get a divorce. I could see they weren't happy and I thought their marriage was pretty pointless. But I'm in the minority. I have two lovely but conservative daughters and so we have this very interesting dynamic where they do the parent thing and I do the rebellion. I'm not trying to be rebellious I'm just trying to be me.

Indigomontoya

07-27-2010, 03:36 PM

I suppose this thread is a kin to the "Coming Out" thread; but I have searched the forum and not found what I was looking for. Now if someone out there has the magic touch with the search function and finds it, I apologize for the clutter.

My question that I am putting to the learned forum has to do with letting the person you are interested in on the fact that you are in a poly relationship. I have done this a couple times, and the reactions range from receiving hate mail, to more recently curiosity.

I want to be upfront and honest with all my interactions so I have always framed any time I have outed myself in the context of not wanting to lead anyone on and not wanting to lie by omission. I've waffled putting the fact that I am in a Poly relationship in my POF profile; because the reactions have been mixed, and I want to be upfront but not scare anyone off.

So I put it you: when's a good time to tell the person? is it an organic benchmark in the budding relationship? or is it more static (5 emails?6? etc.)? how do you frame it? I'd like some advice from secondaries out there too: how did you have it framed for you? what was your reaction? what was said that helped you understand it?

IM

MonoVCPHG

07-27-2010, 04:12 PM

This response is about how I would want to be treated and is based on how I treated people during my short lived online exploration.

It depends on the expectations of who you are talking to. If you are searching online, people generally include what they want in thier profiles. If they are specifically looking for a deep relationship and are looking to invest in you than I would tell them right away. That way there is no big surprise two weeks down the road after a connection has formed online or in person. I would consider holding this type of information back as a passive form of deciet designed to "trap" me because I am now emotionally involved and if I chose to walk away it would be more difficult.

I was very clear in my POF profile..."I barely want to know your name..I just want sex". Black and white. Those that contacted me understood 100% what I was looking for and I only got serious responses.

If you are completely upfront, you might not get as much activity but those that are curious and interested will be genuine at least in theory.

Now if soemone is just looking to hook up for casual sex then the importance of telling them becomes more a function of your expectations then theirs.

This is just how I would want to be treated again...not necassarily what you should do.

Take care :)
Mono

redpepper

07-27-2010, 05:55 PM

We have talked about this question before. If I were on a computer and not on my phone I would look for you...

In a nut shell I believe the consensus has been to be up front about everything from day one. Why ask for honesty, openness and good communication if you are not willing to offer the same.

Personally I would be hurt and angry if I didn't know from first contact pertinent information such as that.

PixieStyx

07-28-2010, 02:17 AM

Ha Ha Ha!!! I'm confused about this same thing but I'm more worried about what family and friends will say than my boss. Seems how my boss in my bf. LOL Though the crappy thing about that is it puts a whole level of secrecy to our relationship as we are crossing all kinds of professional boundries.

FireChild

07-28-2010, 01:03 PM

This is something I thought of instantly when my hubs and I first started discussing poly and if it was for us.

I don't think I'd tell my parents but most of the folks I'm friends with would be receptive to it and not hassle me which is nice.

TruckerPete

07-28-2010, 02:58 PM

Indigo and I have an agreement that his parents need to know when we both have SO for a while ... We live in a small city and I know his mother would totally go all Momma Bear on my ass if she thought I was cheating! :eek:

phoenix762

08-15-2010, 07:23 PM

This really wouldn't apply to me, as I'm not in ANY relationship, let alone a poly one;0)

However, if I were, I'd just let the people know who I loved and trusted. That's all, pretty much.
I don't think people in my professional circle need to know (I work in health care).

freeantigone

08-23-2010, 11:45 AM

We haven't yet decided whether we'll be 'out' or not. If we do decide to be out our families will not be told, in fact only a small circle of our friends will know. I am not intending to let work colleagues know, even if I am close to them.

I'm a very private person anyway, but I view my personal life as just that - personal. However much I'd love to be able to be open with everyone the risks of being judged, gossiped about etc. are too high for me to tell everyone. Plus professionally, being open about polyamory could affect my career. I work in education and professional boundaries have to be very clear.

TL4everu2

08-30-2010, 12:09 AM

Funny enough, we are "out" to our own kids. (18 and 13) yet don't really mention anything around our OSO's kids. :rolleyes: This is out of respect for our OSO's. They don't wish to open up to their kids, yet all their neighbors know about the four of us. ??? Funny how that works isn't it? LOL So we are KINDA open in THEIR circles, but in our own, we are almost COMPLETELY open. Havent told any of our parents yet....No idea if we ever will either.

It'll be kinda weird when L and I renew our vows for our 20th anniversary (which is Jan 16 2011). We are doing this on July 16th 2011. I am asking S to be my best man, and L is asking D to be her maid of honor (is that the right term?) Anyway, we are doing our own vows this time around, and I'm pretty sure that we are going to try to keep anything about "forsake all others" and/or "only each other" and/or "monogamously" out of them. LOL We will likley not be including S &D in our vows....Unless something changes drastically between now and then. (This is possible, but not likely ;) )

EywaUK

10-25-2010, 10:31 PM

redpepper

10-26-2010, 12:15 AM

We were in a similar situation to you about a year ago in that everyone around us was making comments and wondering what was going on... then we came out to protect Mono and my boy. All is in this thread, if you are interested. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=721&highlight=redpepper

TL4everu2

10-26-2010, 01:09 AM

I'm just wondering what other peoples experiences have been of "coming out" to famillies etc about unconventional relationships.

My two partners and I have been together for probably about 18 months now. As time goes on though its becoming more and more difficult to be "a couple & their best friend who lives with them" which is how we've engineered things for our families until now.

All three of us have started to experience some uncomfortable questions about the closeness of our 'friendship'. For example, "Oh, G***'s bed always look perfect, almost as if its not been slept in" lol. Its got to the extent now that two of us now have been told by family members that something might be going on behind the others back!! (we struggled not to giggle at that one! lol)

All three of us are out to our famillies as being gay which has never been an issue, and we dont want to lie to them really but we just dont know whether its wise to come clean about our triple relationship or not. Have other people in threesome relationships "come out" to family??

My wife and I adopted a saying: "Those that matter most, won't care. Those that care, don't matter."

So basically, if they pitch a fit, let them go off and do their own thing. Simply put, don'ty associate with them as much. MOST family and friends, will, however, not be bothered by this. They will most likely see it as another transformation of your already "different" relationship. ;)

When my wife came out to her mom, she though her mom would go berzerk. But in reality, her mom accepted it and said "I thought there was something a little different about you guy's relationship with S & D. Good for you!" :eek:

So don't be afraid of coming out. Embrace it and enjoy it.:o

GroundedSpirit

10-26-2010, 02:22 PM

I.............. He won't understand or agree with the lifestyle we have. My job won't suffer, but his view towards me could change.

Hey Mellsey,

I'm very much a proponent of complete separation between job/profession and personal life. The two can easily conflict in the vast majority of situations.

And if his 'view' towards you changes, of course your job could suffer ! A good working relationship is just like any other 'good' relationship ! It depends on a certain degree of mutual respect and team play.

I see no reason why you can't just let it go as "normal personal struggles" (we all have them) as far as boss is concerned and if he trys to pry more just explain you don't really feel it's right to share personal stuff with work. He should get the message.

GS

mj511729

11-02-2010, 01:08 AM

My wife's boyfriend has been living with us for over 2 years now. None of our family knows about the relationship, or heck, even that there's anyone else living with us. Since my family is only 2 hours away, I am not sure how the heck we have managed to avoid it, but we have, mostly by doing all the visiting and not asking them to come over.

Honestly I'm mortified of the day when my parents find out something is up. They're quite religious and won't understand at all. I have no desire to alienate my parents so I'm trying to keep it quiet.

MonoVCPHG

11-02-2010, 03:34 AM

My wife's boyfriend has been living with us for over 2 years now.

2 years! Congrats :) Sorry to hear about needing to hide things but coming out can be one hell of a storm to ride out...been there and it can take it's toll. Would you consider sharing your experience on the co-habitation thread or in a blog? Sound like your family has a lot of lessons to pass on.

Take care:)

Tonberry

11-07-2010, 10:20 PM

It came up in another forum that I am poly.

One other member's reaction? "That's handy. If one dies or leaves you, you've got one left!"

That was shocking. I can't imagine people saying something similar for friends, or siblings, or kids, or any person you can have several of. And what is that supposed to mean, that if one dies I won't be sad because I have someone left? Then if your mom dies should you be okay because you have your dad left?

I got so confused, because that post didn't even read like it was supposed to be aggressive.

TruckerPete

11-07-2010, 10:42 PM

Tonberry

11-08-2010, 11:26 PM

Well, so the person I was talking about left the forum and asked to be deleted from it. She said she didn't recognise herself because unlike most people there she wasn't vegetarian, she was in a couple and she was faithful (emphasis mine) and she didn't want people to be able to someday look her up and find her associated with that board, so she asked for all her info to be deleted.

Wow. Way to over-react. I can't help but feel a bit... shaken by that. I mean, I can understand leaving the forum because she couldn't relate to people who were single when she's in a couple, or to people who were vegetarian when she isn't (this being said, most people on that forum are in a couple too, and vegetarians aren't the majority either, so I'm not sure what she's talking about). But the "I don't want my name to be associated with people like that", seriously, I can't imagine it has anything to do with food choices or being single. I'm pretty sure she meant me.

I wouldn't have recognised myself in the "faithful" thing, but nobody on the forums is a cheater (or nobody said they were at least) and it happened so soon after her comment, I can't imagine she meant anyone else.

Of course, she's gone with her account deleted, so I can't even contact her to explain in case she misunderstood. It's... well, it's annoying. I wish she had just left without making a big deal out of it.

redpepper

11-09-2010, 06:29 AM

@tonberry, take it from someone who pushes buttons :D you gave her a gift and she didn't want it... right now. You made her think differently and that is a gift in my books. Often people don't want to rock their world of denial that there is anything going on outside of their own world, but there is and it's exciting and interesting and worth understanding in order to understand ourselves better... that is always worth pointing out to me.

please don't beat yourself up or think anything of it. We have had many people leave here in a huff and it really is an indication that it is their loss or this is just not the right place for them... end of story, close the book, move on...

we love you here, so.... there ya go :)

julanders

12-06-2010, 10:07 AM

TruckerPete

12-06-2010, 03:09 PM

Just curious how many of you communicate your lifestyle with you mono friends and how you incorporated your partners into your circle of friends?

Have you had instances of being judged or criticised? or shunned? general acceptance?

Do you keep it from your friends? from family?

I guess just looking for general experiences.

Thank you all.

The worst reaction I had was from a former friend who is in an open relationship with her spouse. Apparently it's okay for them to screw other people, but when we got feelings involved, well that was just "unfair" to Indigo and he didn't even realize he was being "used."

My immediate family knows, Indigo's does not. Mr. A's does not, and won't for the forseeable future. Friends know as needed. A few of my coworkers know. Most reactions have been positive to indifferent. Lots of "I couldn't do that, but if it makes you happy, then that's all that matters."

Mr. A was grilled by his coworkers, but it was in a concerned for his well-being sort of way, and once they had more info on how things worked, they backed off and were supportive.

I don't really have to choose partners when going out with friends, as Mr. A's job is so demanding that he often doesn't have the time/energy.

I think we've got it easy, compared to some situations I've read about here. We're all happy with our roles in each other's lives and are getting our needs met. :)

TL4everu2

12-07-2010, 02:34 AM

Just curious how many of you communicate your lifestyle with you mono friends and how you incorporated your partners into your circle of friends?

Have you had instances of being judged or criticised? or shunned? general acceptance?

Do you keep it from your friends? from family?

I guess just looking for general experiences.

Thank you all.

Our family has been accepting of our being poly. We have only had one friend who could not handle it. She SAID she could....because...of all things...Her brother was gay. :rolleyes: Whatever. Then, when we opened up on Facebook, (she was one of our friends on there) she got upset, and thought we were possibly damaging our children by being so open with our 13 y/o and our 19 y/o. :rolleyes: Again...Whatever!

When L told her mom, her mom told her, that they (her parents) were in a similar relationship when she (my wife) was younger. :eek:

My mom had no problems with it. Neither have any of our other friends. Just the one.

I have told several co-workers. Why? Because I don't want V to come to the shop, and be kissing me, then they feel like they have to keep quiet around my wife L. LOL So, I let them know that V is our girlfriend, and my wife knows about her, and she knows about my wife....and that we are ALL...in fact...seeing each other! :eek: The guys all ask: "WOW! How did you get your wife to go for that, and how can I get in on the action????" And the women all ask: "And your wife is ok with this? Sounds pretty cool to me and it looks like it works. You've really been married for 20 years?"

So yeah, the men generally want to know how they can hook up with my wife since we must be "swingers"....while the women want to know more about how it works. ;)

booklady78

12-07-2010, 01:52 PM

Our friends have been completely amazing, very supportive and accepting of our partners. Our families have ranged in reaction from indifference to hostility. I find that the best advice in coming out is to be prepared to answer questions and address genuine concerns, but unless you're very confident and comfortable, it's not worth getting into a debate over. I've repeated some of the same answers to the same questions over and over again with some people. They "Just can't believe" what I tell them. It's like they have to "win" the discussion somehow and need me to admit, "Oh, you're right, I do love my husband MORE than my boyfriend", which is totally untrue.
Ok, one more piece of advice. Those that do support you in coming out are an invaluable part of the process. I don't think we could have done it without them <3

redpepper

12-07-2010, 06:54 PM

Fayerweather

12-07-2010, 08:41 PM

I have similar worries. Mostly about people at work (since most of my friends and family know and are ok with it). My work issue involves both wanting to celebrate both of my wonderful boyfriends publicly (they know about my first bf, but not the one I started dating a few months ago) and not wanting to have to spend hours explaining the social, psychological and sexual structure of polyamory to confused, judgemental, lifelong monogamists.

Indigomontoya

12-09-2010, 06:44 PM

I think we've got it easy, compared to some situations I've read about here. We're all happy with our roles in each other's lives and are getting our needs met. :)

Says YOU Wife. You've got a new role, as the wife, please refer to this: http://www.j-walk.com/other/goodwife/index.htm for the job description :P I kid love.

TP is right about the mixed reactions. The worst I had was a closer than close friend reacted badly. She went off about the sanctity of marriage, what will we tell the as yet unconceived (or ill-conceived) children, etc. etc. eventually she calmed down (in a day or so) and went the "whatever makes you happy" route.

I find that the best advice in coming out is to be prepared to answer questions and address genuine concerns, but unless you're very confident and comfortable, it's not worth getting into a debate over.

I guess this is what I feel. I am not comfortable with the eventuality of having my family blow up. It's a response that isn't likely, but I really don't know. I have no issue with having friends blow up, but my family and I are close and I am petrified of their response, and possible rejection. Because at it's heart, a bad response is a rejection of the life I lead.

nycindie

12-09-2010, 09:38 PM

I have no issue with having friends blow up, but my family and I are close and I am petrified of their response, and possible rejection. Because at it's heart, a bad response is a rejection of the life I lead.What if they reject the life you lead? Will they take their love away? I don't know you or them, but I doubt that. I read in your blog also how wrapped up in your fears you are now. This is something I am going through now as well, trying to separate my feelings from what I need to do to take care of me. I mean, it's okay to be afraid. The hard part is not letting the fear dictate what you do, but rather allowing yourself to feel it, observe it, and then take a step back (somehow) and take care of your needs without getting swept away by the fear or whatever other emotions petrify you.

Good word, petrify -- I was just telling my shrink how rejection is such a strong trigger that immobilizes me and makes me feel unable to function, or at least function well. He said, I need to develop structure in my life that will make me stronger in myself, so that the acceptance or rejection of others does not have such a profound effect on me (I tend to feel crushed and as if I am doomed when I sense rejection from people I care about). He said that this structure I need (and I don't know what it is you need, but just sharing) will give me a foundation so that when rejection or disappointment happens, it only "rattles the windows a little" rather than make me feel like my world is crashing down. I like the phrase he used, because it's not like I have to be so strong that I don't feel the rejection at all, but I can handle the windows rattling.

Edit: I am not saying you should tell them or do anything differently, just to be clear. But I think there is value in examining the fear and finding a way to bump up against it without letting it knock you over. Then, decisions you make will be your own. You may very well choose not to come out to family, and be perfectly satisfied with that choice, but I think it won't be very satisfying if the decision is fear-based.

HTH

BrigidsDaughter

12-22-2010, 03:33 PM

I think we are currently operating under a don't ask/ don't tell policy with our families both about our relationships and our religion. My siblings, husband, and father outed me as bisexual to my mom last Christmas Eve and the response was, "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." As for our friends, most everyone knows we have an "open marriage", but only a couple know who we're in a relationship with. And its so much easier to just leave it at that most of the time. Although I really wish that my husband hadn't taken our request not to out us early on in the relationship, as don't talk about this to anyone or give yourself a place to vent your frustrations when you have them. I love that he's respected that request, but wish that he had someone outside the relationship to talk to when his bi-polar triggers negative feelings.

booklady78

12-26-2010, 07:14 AM

I'm trying hard to be thankful for the wonderful Christmas Eve I had with my husband, his girlfriend, and my boyfriend. It's hard though, accepting that my father has been ignoring me for a couple of months now. He's cut me out entirely. He refuses to have any discussions and has ignored letters I've sent.
Coming out to everyone else has been manageable, but not him. I don't even get the opportunity to find out what the hell he's so concerned about because he says the topic isn't open for discussion. I'm refusing to carry on as if nothing is wrong and omit the mere mention of people I care about. I'm not ashamed and I was getting tired of hiding it from him after I told him.

I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait for him to come around. I don't know how much harder I'm supposed to try.

TruckerPete

12-26-2010, 03:59 PM

redpepper

12-26-2010, 05:35 PM

Booklady I feel for you. It's tough isn't it. I remember what it was like to not have my family talking with me. It was hard to know if I should ignore it and just be myself and carry on, business as usual, which would be hard or suck it up and pretend nothing is going on and hide it from them again to protect them. I did the latter to begin with and it go so hard lying again and I felt like an idiot because they already knew so why lie. I ended up just carrying on and being honest and myself. This was what turned them around as much as their decision to accept.

booklady78

12-27-2010, 05:04 AM

Thanks TruckerPete and Redpepper :)
I had no idea where this journey was going to take me, this is a hard path right now but I can get through it. Knowing that I'm not the first person to deal with difficult family gives me hope that they are going to come around.

TruckerPete

12-27-2010, 03:22 PM

preciselove

12-29-2010, 07:38 AM

We've recently come out to some family, mostly because we now have somewhat a successful triad going. Personally I don't care what they think, they can either accept it and still have me communicate to them or not and it stops. I'm rather independent from my family due to moving away from them all to another state, basically starting out anew with my own family.

Of course to MY family having 2 women in my life isn't exactly that negative a thing, and they just generally accept it like "oh haha you're a mormon now". My 1st girlfriend has more issues to contend with because her family generally think I'm weird and she's a woman being controlled if theres another woman in our relationship. However if your family still thinks you're going to be supported, give them grandchildren/cousins/etc then what do they really have to be upset about?

Triads/Quads will be part of the standards in regards to relationships in the future in my mind, most people already seem to accept it on some level.

RfromRMC

12-29-2010, 06:38 PM

Been "out" as gay to most of my family for aprox 15 years. For the past 2 and a half, everyone has known me to be in a couple with M. Only our gay friends knew we were a triad, plus a few poly people we met locally here and there. Our gay friends have reacted mostly supportive, though there are a few who seem bitter (that whole "i can't even get ONE man let alone two!!" ;) )

When C moved in, it was the "couple with best friend living in" thing to my family. (Though M told his family pretty early...brave boy!)
I'll tell you from experience, the couple-plus-best-friend-roomie won't last long...people will begin to figure it out.

Boom...Christmas Day...Mom goes "so what is really going on? This isn't some kinky Mormon thing you got going is it?!?"
:eek: :eek: :eek:

My appetite for Christmas dinner has never been so low. I just had to stress the word LOVE over and over. Try to get her mind away from sex or anything like that. It's about love, mom...that's all you need to know.

Sigh.

Haven't had another discussion about it yet, but that was only 5 days ago. So we'll see.

NeonKaos

12-29-2010, 06:44 PM

You should have answered "Yes, Mom, it's kinky; but it ain't Mormon!"

MindfulAgony

12-29-2010, 07:59 PM

You should have answered "Yes, Mom, it's kinky; but it ain't Mormon!"

Lol. Good one.

RfromRMC

01-02-2011, 04:43 PM

You should have answered "Yes, Mom, it's kinky; but it ain't Mormon!"

Um....no. ;) She's got enough health issues without me giving her a heart-attack. :p

Been over a week now. Still no further discussion. Maybe she's gonna pretend it never happened. Ah...mothers!

just3

01-06-2011, 08:19 PM

We for one really arent "out" with it all. Dont hide it but dont tell either. I personally dont care what people think. But realize at this point its best for the kids sake. They know my bf is around and his kid. But I HS my kids and well...around here the last thing we need is someone starting something and it affecting the kids and our schooling choices etc. I think sometimes when kids are involved it makes it a lil trickier. Our relationship, while new now, isnt really so new. We are in our 30s but hubs and bf have known each other since Kindergarten and I have known them both since we were 14. And well we also had a small taste of this lifestyle when we were younger. So seeing us 3 together...well its like when we were younger in a way. I think its sad we cant just be who we are outside the house because of other peoples views and prejudices. Because you never know what kinda crap they will bring down on ya.

EpsilonLyr

02-04-2011, 03:53 AM

As someone who just recently discovered that this amazing poly world even existed, I would like to encourage you by emphasizing that there are so many people out there who have lived our whole lives by the prevailing ideal of monogamy but will still embrace and respect you for your choice. I am biased because I have had poly-leanings for a long time and am just recently realizing what they meant... that it's not because I am immoral, damaged, or desperate. That said, there will always be closed-minded fools out there who won't understand. That doesn't automatically mean they don't care about your welfare. Still, I can see how it would be difficult to discuss this sort of thing with co-workers, not to mention 'the boss'. As for your family, you must have some idea what they will say. Regardless, at some point they will have to adjust to it if they can. Hopefully they will come to accept it.

polycouple

03-01-2011, 11:31 PM

I am in a fledgling relationship with a couple. We are falling in love hard and fast. The hard thing is that we all live in the same area. Pat goes to the same institution as me, where I work in an upper administration office. We attend university events together, and meet at the library. I want so badly to express myself in public, how happy I am, how in love I am, to hold hands, and put our arms around one another. Though this CANNOT happen. I am in a very public position in the school, and I work closely with a very broad section of the student body. I am also not "out" as poly. The only people that know I am poly are my mom, my fiance, and my two best friends. It feels terrible being out in public and not being able to express myself with them. It hurts that I can;t share my true source of my recent happiness with co-workers, friends, and classmates due to fears of being judged.

I guess my question is, how do you decide to come out. Have you come out? What are your experiences with coming out? Who do you come out to? What are the repercussions?

Ok...that's a lot of questions, but I would love some feedback on this.

Thanks so much!!!

River

03-02-2011, 12:50 AM

.... It hurts that I can;t share my true source of my recent happiness with co-workers, friends, and classmates due to fears of being judged. ....

Please know that MILLIONS of people in your country -- and perhaps billions around the world -- are suffering exactly this very same dillemma.

Things are inevitably moving toward what I think is necessary for change -- which would be an International Poly Coming Out Day. A day of celebration, courage, faith, solidarity .... A day when we collectively unmask ourselves in public, proudly and without fear or shame. The meme has been planted and the Great Spirit (so to speak) is nourishing this in many hearts.

River

03-02-2011, 01:05 AM

What would be a "model" for an International Polyamory Coming Out Day?

Well, it would be drawn from the activities of another "erotic minority" (if you will), the infamous sandwitch, BLT....: (heh): http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCUQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FNationa l_Coming_Out_Day&ei=ApdtTY67BISssAPoxZC3BQ&usg=AFQjCNEsZ12jcG6Jbqi-00LJoHE7euPCsQ&sig2=4NYSvzVFakVj6lY6K5HWdA

River

03-02-2011, 01:15 AM

Speak Up Lurkers! We know you're here watching!

River

03-02-2011, 01:24 AM

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=147&highlight=national+coming+out

RfromRMC

03-02-2011, 07:04 PM

TL4everu2

03-02-2011, 08:32 PM

Well, my earlier post was on the task of telling friends and family. That alone is a big hurdle.

Co-workers is a whole other ballpark. Took me years to admit to my coworkers about being gay. Poly? Oy. That's scary and unpredictable. This is still the South here afterall---most folks here are religious in one way or another. So far, I think my coworkers have this sense of feeling like they are "enlightened moderate" Christians who are tolerate or even accepting of gays. But polyamory would certainly go over their thresholds, I'm afraid.You may be selling them short. ;) I got to a point in my life, where I just didn't care who knew. If people can't accept me for who I am, then so be it. Will I ever be in politics? GADS no! Will I ever hold a public office or public type job? Probably not. So do I have anything to loose by telling co-workers? Not really. I'm a mechanic. People have grown accustomed to to hearing odd things about mechanics. LOL

Of course, I live in Florida too...Pretty open here. I mean, it IS the swinger capitol of the world, so when I tell people, they automatically say "Oh, so you're a swinger?". LOL

River

03-02-2011, 10:07 PM

This question is directed at everyone reading and/or participating in this thread.:

If millions and millions of people all over the world came out together, to friends / family / workplace / etc., and this were in the media, would you feel inclined to join in and come out on this one special day?

I'm convinced that such a day will arive -- and it won't be long.

River

03-02-2011, 10:08 PM

My answer?

Damn right I would!

TL4everu2

03-03-2011, 02:19 AM

I'm already out...as is my wife. To all of our family....and my work...So it would serve no purpose other than to call attention to myself. "Coming out" has always been a bit of an "issue" to me. For someone to make a huge deal over it, seems to make them out to be an attention grabber, of sorts.

When my wife and I "came out"...it was a gradual thing...and we didn't really make a big "deal" over it. I think it went something along the lines of casually mentioning to a co-worker that I had a date one night. They asked if it was with my wife. I said no, it was with another woman. They asked me to elaborate, and insinuated that they thought I was cheating. I carefully explained to them I was not and that my wife knew, and blah blah blah. Now, everyone at my work knows that I date openly, and my wife is also, and that we are ok with each other doing that. Some think it's cool, others think we're crazy. However, the proof is in the puddin'. We've been married for 20 years now. Obviously, it works for us. And every time I talk to someone about it, I explain to them that this lifestyle is NOT for everyone. Some can't handle it, but it works for my wife and I.

So, I would probably NOT attend or participate in a "coming out" day, as we are already completely out.

redevil

03-03-2011, 03:40 AM

I would LOVE to be able to come out to everyone in my life, those I consider important know and I think I'd be ok with coworkers knowing. However it's not something that either of my guys could ever express at work and because their work is more of a "community" then a job, staying under the radar is a must. Dealing with the idea of remaining "hidden" is something that greatly bothers myself and Monster. For me, it's a big hit to my confidence and a struggle in my relationships. Maybe in another 13 years or so..Heavens even that statement is depressing. :(

redpepper

03-03-2011, 06:07 AM

I came out and sometimes want back in... sometimes the kinda "heuuh" grin I get, you know the one where they think you are a freak and a slut at the same time? just makes me sigh... I get a little over loaded with explaining "what the fuck" every time I talk like they know what I am talking about... like I am hanging out with poly friends. ya know? I forget the ignorance.... it's fucking TIRING!

TL4everu2

03-03-2011, 11:58 AM

I came out and sometimes want back in... sometimes the kinda "heuuh" grin I get, you know the one where they think you are a freak and a slut at the same time? LOL Being a guy, I kinda LIKE that look. LOL:p

redpepper

03-04-2011, 12:06 AM

LOL Being a guy, I kinda LIKE that look. LOL:pSometimes I don't mind that kind of look;), but this is the one where they wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole.... that kind of slut look.

TL4everu2

03-04-2011, 12:18 PM

Sometimes I don't mind that kind of look;), but this is the one where they wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole.... that kind of slut look.I knew that. LOL

polynome

03-23-2011, 09:50 PM

I'm new to practicing poly (my wife started her first non-monogamous relationship about a week ago) but I've known for some time that something like that (didn't have the word poly or the full thought) would be a way I could see living my life.

While we're probably not going to be "out" about our poly relationship for some time (I live in the Midwest and am about 80-90% sure my family would cut ties completely and hers would have some big hurdles to get over before things could be ok. Also think we'd probably lose a good deal of friends.) it's something that I want to actively consider for later, because I think it would be very liberating.

The one thing I'm not sure of is how does it work exactly? I can think of a million day-to-day situations where, with casual acquaintances, coworkers, etc. it seems like bringing up polyamory in an otherwise unrelated conversation ("what's your wife doing this weekend?" "oh she's visiting her lover" vs. "oh she's visiting a friend") is beating people over the head with information that they probably don't care to know and would instantly and dramatically turn the conversation toward poly.

I don't want to spend my life lying about who I am, but I don't want to spend it explaining what I am to everyone I meet either. For those of you who are already out, how does it work towards those not so close to you? Obviously my close friends and family would all know, or it wouldn't really be "out".

redpepper

03-24-2011, 06:40 AM

I just tell everyone that Mono is my friend and that he lives with us. I took the lead from LB actually, our son, he did a "about my life" project for school and added Mono's picture to the project... people asked who he is and he just said, "he is my best buddy that lives with us"... there was some confusion but people took it in and accepted it as LB's normal life, much like anyone else's family is normal to them. Mono goes to school functions, picks LB up sometimes... no one gives him a second glance really. Or maybe I just shrug it off as not their business and them looking for gossip.:rolleyes:

Really, its all in the confidence and the normalcy of the presentation. It really isn't anyone's business until you decide to make yourself vulnerable by talking about it openly.

It's early days for you two. I would think that your partner is not about to want to invite the new love over for a family reunion or anything anyway. When big family events come up, or holidays, if the relationship has reached the kind of depth that requires it, it can be important to negotiate who spends what time where and for how long.... but, its early yet... so some "waiting to see" is in order first I think.

TruckerPete

03-24-2011, 12:33 PM

The one thing I'm not sure of is how does it work exactly? I can think of a million day-to-day situations where, with casual acquaintances, coworkers, etc. it seems like bringing up polyamory in an otherwise unrelated conversation ("what's your wife doing this weekend?" "oh she's visiting her lover" vs. "oh she's visiting a friend") is beating people over the head with information that they probably don't care to know and would instantly and dramatically turn the conversation toward poly.

I actually find these to be the perfect opportunities. I don't look at it as beating someone over the head with too much information, but why should I have to have that twinge of guilt and uncomfortableness about how I choose to live my life? Someone wants to ask what I'm doing and that happens to be a boyfriend weekend, well, I try to say "I'm visiting my boyfriend" and then quickly move on to whatever plans we may have.

I say try. It's hard. :)

preciselove

03-26-2011, 02:34 AM

If you're relatively young you can still get away with the "she/he is my room mate" , at least from my experiences. In this economy people seem to more easily accept the fact you need to get someone in to help pay the rent/mortgage.

We have a large family get together for me and the 1st gf later this year. Still not sure what we'll be calling the second gf by that stage. Some know, but most don't. Ah well, we don't _need_ any of them in our lives if that's what they want, so it doesn't really matter in the end. People that are still dependent on their parents/family (whether financially, emotionally, etc) probably have the hardest time of anyone coming out. All that fear.

meinsb

03-27-2011, 06:05 PM

It seems this thread is old now, but coming out is difficult to face. I want to believe I am not different from society, but I am. I only recently realized I was poly, and it is not from experiencing. So basically I am identifying as poly and trying to figure out if I should come out about it then pursue it, or pursue it and then come out about it.

Its more complicated then that though because I am married with a three year old, and although my wife has known I was different since early in our relationship (going on four years) I have only identified as poly for about 6 months.

She is supportive or at least not un-supportive, but definitely mono. I don't want to hurt her.

My parents are open minded people. My sister seems to be poly as well, and we are now beginning to discuss what that means for us. But I only introduced her to the term poly a few days ago, and I don't think she has done any research yet. I came out to my brother and that went really well. I guess it will probably go well with my family, but it is still quite scary.

redpepper

03-27-2011, 06:14 PM

It seems this thread is old nowno thread is old unless the info is old.... thanks for posting here :)

Tonberry

03-27-2011, 07:30 PM

Its more complicated then that though because I am married with a three year old

There must be something wrong with me, I read that sentence completely wrong at first (as in, your spouse being a three year old).

Other than your partner, I don't think you have any obligation to come out to anyone before pursuing it. However, I can see how you would want to get it out of the way. It would also help if the coming out isn't associated with anyone in particular, nobody will blame that person (thinking they "turned" you poly since it's the first time they've heard about it).
On the other hand, it's always hard to come out, and it can seem pointless when you could live very well without coming out...

Really, it's your call. I can see benefits to both options. Since your wife already knows, that's really all I would have advice about and you don't need my advice anymore :P

I just realised I'm in a similar situation.
Well, originally I came out to my husband, and pretty much nobody else (only one close friend). Years later I started a relationship with Seamus. Then later one I separated from my husband, and lots of people blamed Seamus, not understanding the situation.
Now though, I'm with Seamus, and to a bunch of people who didn't really follow things, I never came out as poly. So if I do it now, I'll do it before having another partner.
And honestly, I want to do it now. I've had bad experiences with coming out too late, or not coming out and being found out and misinterpreted.

But that's really my situation. In your cas,e if you think you might stay mono de facto despite being poly, you might think it's less important to ever come out. You need to consider your wife's feelings as well - my boyfriend is poly and out to everyone, but my husband was mono (then poly-identified to me, but it turned out after we separated, actually still mono) and didn't want me to come out to people who also knew him, as he wanted to be the one doing it when the time would be right. Which happened for some, and not for others.

Anyways, each situation is unique, in my case from now on I want to be open regardless of how many partners I have, however when I was in your shoes I picked the other option, and it could have worked out better if the circumstances had been different.

meinsb

03-27-2011, 09:36 PM

My story has been a long time in development. In high school I watched a peer who I had known since early grade school come out of the closet. He was not flamboyant, but once he came out took his sexuality very seriosly and become an important figure and leader for the GSA club which I joined as an ally.

More recently I have begun to identify as bi or partially bi, and am beginning to feel like I should / would like to be open to my family.

This of course is a different topic than poly, but is somewhat tied in. Coming out in general poly or bi is way uncomfortable for me, but I have watched very highly respected friends do it and was always proud of them. They also seems to have positive results.

For now it seems like I will spend a lot of time reading, pondering, and seeing what others have to say about me as I explore my new relationship-ness (is there a poly term for this - is it just poly or polyamorous?) and alongside that, will probably explore how I feel about being bi.

Its great to have support from you and the community. Did the end of your relationship with your mono partner have anything to do with him not being poly? or was it more typical relationship struggles? I worry a lot about my wife and I breaking up over all this even though things are going well and communication is good so far.

I tried to walk out on the relationship not too long ago for fear that I am only delaying an inevitable failure and only going to do more damage in the long run. I know I am a good father, but I struggle with how I am as a husband because of being poly. I told my wife this and that I didn't want to do harm in the long run and she basically said she would never want me to leave. BUT the whole poly thing is really hard for her at the same time.

PolyNewbie

03-27-2011, 11:04 PM

The whole coming-out thing has been very much on my mind lately, and on my wife's. We're a historically mono couple, married 20-plus years, and we're just starting what looks like, maybe, hopefully, with luck and communication and quite a bit of adjustment on everyone's part, is going to become a long-term committed equilateral triad relationship with another woman. My wife and I never thought of ourselves as poly -- a year ago we would have laughed at the suggestion of any such thing, honestly -- and we weren't looking for this; we just happened to both fall very hard for the same woman at the same time, and she seems to feel the same way about both of us.

Things are getting to the point where all three of us really need to think about how open we're going to be about this with our friends and family. Our friends are probably going to be able to take it in stride, and I think most of our family members are going to be ok with it, with the notable exception of a couple of the new partner's relatives, but what they're mostly going to be shocked about is that she's no longer identifying as a full-on lesbian, which she did for a number of years. None of us has employment-related issues about being involved in a non-traditional family, which is certainly something to be thankful for.

One wrinkle about coming out, however, is that for my wife, on top of everything else, this is going to be coming out in the classic sense: nobody in our friends or family has ever known she's bi. She always has been, but she's been extremely private about it. I suppose we could just keep quiet about the details and let people wonder whether this is a full triad or a V with me as the hinge, in which case there might be some doubt about her orientation, but for various reasons it's pretty unlikely that anyone's actually going to think that. So that makes it extra-specially difficult for her. On the other hand, it's becoming increasingly obvious that keeping the relationship secret would involve more self-discipline about public hand-holding and so forth than any of us has. So we're really wrestling with how to handle this.

Are we completely nuts to think that our friends and family will be able to deal with it? They're all nice leftie liberal tree-hugging Birkenstock-wearing types, so it seems to me that they'd be accepting, but maybe I'm kidding myself. This thread has been very instructive, but I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in this situation. What kind of horrified reactions should we expect? What are the pitfalls associated with this part of the process of forming a poly family?

meinsb

03-27-2011, 11:40 PM

My dad comes from a conservative religious catholic background, but my mom is more liberal spiritual (no religious affiliation). It seems my sister had a hard time being accepted as bi, but mostly the lack of acceptance is my parents not believing her, thinking it is a girl thing, or making some poor jokes at her expense (which she mostly lets roll off her back).

For some reason I feel like the rejection of being a son, who is bi, and poly will not go over well for my dads pride. My mom may be supportive, but she doesn't fully endorse her more liberal laid back raising because I think she wants to get as far from it as she can at times.

People are going to notice if there are other romantic relationships in our marriage. And frankly I want to be who I am with out concern and therefore feel coming out is an important step for me. But I am afraid.

The interesting thing about me is that becoming poly and coming out are not tied to any new people in my relationship. I may choose not to come out until my wife and I are comfortable with a new addition.

It is becoming clear to me that this forum isn't helping just see what poly is and if I am poly, but more helping me figure out what to do with the knowledge, and there is a big question of how to figure this all out with my wife who isn't.

SNeacail

03-28-2011, 07:13 PM

I'm all for not comming out, until there is something to come out about, as in you have established another relationship. As far as I'm concerned the only one that really needs to know you are thinking about or starting to date is your existing parnter. If people notice that something is out of the ordinary, they will either blow it off or say something. If they say something, then they are ready to receive an answer. I'm all for letting people be willingly ignorant if that is their choice, as long as no one is getting hurt (actual danger, hateful remarks, etc). Mind you I don't have any experience in this, other than knowing how my super religous, judgemental parents think and how they respond when faced with someone who has a different opinon on religion, politics and morality.

redpepper

03-28-2011, 08:14 PM

Totally agreeing with you SNeacail. People seem to get all NRE about their situation when really settling into something real and sustainable before a possible bashing from others, to me, would be far more constructive and less hurtful.I think being on ones game before coming out makes a person confident, untouchable and unstopable in their vulnerability. That to me is a much better place to be.

Tonberry

03-28-2011, 09:34 PM

Well, I can see how you are in a much more vulnerable place when you haven't explored poly yet, and people will maybe even try and stop you... However it seems to me you avoid a few things that way:

- Having the whole "I can't believe you lied me for X long" thing from everyone, on top of all the rest, when you do come out

- Hiding someone you love, and therefore not giving them the same level of respect you've always given your first partner by acknowledging them (unless you were hiding them as well at first?)

- If someone finds out before you can come out, have them misunderstand the situation, draw their own conclusion and never come to you, but spread it to other people, in effect causing you to suddenly lose a bunch of people who were important in your life without ever being told why or warned before being cut off (I'm saying that because it personally happened to me)

- having your polyamory be associated with the person you're with when you come out. Similar to how homosexuality can become your bf's or gf's "fault", as in they seduced you and made you believe you're gay, or something. In this case, that person gave you crazy ideas and is manipulated you, and is obviously unsafe to be around, etc

I realise the risks that go with coming out are high. And it can seem more tempting to be able to say "I'm polyamorous, and yet it can last, it's been X years", but during these X years and at the time you come out, you have to go through things I would personally rather avoid.

LovingRadiance

03-28-2011, 11:05 PM

I think it really does simply depend on the people in any given dynamic.

For me, it was easy to "come out". I don't give a SHIT what anyone else thinks. I love two men. End of topic unless they want to have a friendly talk about HOW.

At the same time,

I've ALWAYS been that way. I was the same way when I came out as having just gotten a girlfriend.
I was that way when I came out bi.
I was that way when I told everyone I was pregnant (out of wedlock).

I just don't care.

It was harder for Maca and GG-because they don't tend to be the type to speak up AND they are both worried about offending others.

shrug...

pretty much everyone in my life knows.
Most of Maca's coworkers do not know.
Some of GG's don't know.

polyt

04-18-2011, 01:43 AM

nycindie

04-18-2011, 02:12 AM

It helps to do a search before posting questions. There are a number of threads here regarding "coming out" as polyamorous. You can try these for a start:

Coming out (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=164)

Coming out to the household... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2937)

"Coming out" as Polyamorous. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=728)

Ariakas

04-18-2011, 02:38 AM

So I get more and more into my polyamorous curiosity as we get deeper into our relationship (using the L word and all!). But today, I found out my mom is EXTREMELY against polyamory- though she's not against homosexuality whatsoever.

So a couple questions for you guys. Do any of your family members know? If not, do they know you're with one person and not others? If your family is against it as mine is, how will you explain to them your relationship status?

Sorry if these didn't make a lot of sense. I can try to re-word them later.

This will likely get merged with other threads about opening up. I find it an unfortunate practice personally, because it loses the individual flavour of each persons "story"

I am "open".. I don't hide my sexual/relationship practices, but I also don't walk around bragging about it. My cousin (really my brother) knows about my girlfriend and wants to meet her (he has already congratulated me on 1 year, even though we are a couple of weeks away yet) My mother knows I.. experiment with sex. Hahaha.. the reality is, next time I see her I will be telling her about my gf. All of my closest friends know...

Its simple for me. "I am in an open relationship and am currently dating someone else".. I rarely use the word poly, I find it connects me to groups of people I can't relate to.

If I find, or have in the future, a family member against it. I would simply tell them the truth and than can take or leave it. As a black sheep in both sides of my family, their opinion means very little to me. I take it like I take others, with a giant grain of salt. I guess I am lucky that way.

That said, not everyone is like me. I don't have kids, I am not that connected to family beyond the two people I love. So for me to be open is very different than someone with kids, a lot to lose and a large family of potential haters. So being open is very situational and peoples options need to be respected.

NeonKaos

04-18-2011, 02:52 AM

This will likely get merged with other threads about opening up. I find it an unfortunate practice personally, because it loses the individual flavour of each persons "story"
\

It's a thread about "coming out", not "opening up". And the polyt hasn't said anything about their "story". All they did was ask a very generic question.

Thread merged. Unfortunately.

nycindie

04-18-2011, 03:13 AM

I rarely use the word poly, I find it connects me to groups of people I can't relate to.
Yes!!! I feel similarly. It's always problematic when I use the word polyamory. I prefer to talk about my feelings regarding exclusivity and attachment, and my goal of having "multiple, ongoing, loving relationships."

BlackUnicorn

04-18-2011, 03:01 PM

So a couple questions for you guys. Do any of your family members know? If not, do they know you're with one person and not others? If your family is against it as mine is, how will you explain to them your relationship status?

Close family knows, Mum is very worried that I am being taken advantage of. She thinks polyamory is just a phase that will last until I find the one true (male) partner for me. We haven't gotten to the point of speaking about polyamory yet, but I am out as to my comings and goings and the people I am seeing.

Just like with coming out as non-heterosexual, I strongly recommend that you live on your own and are not dependent on your parents for financial support before doing it.

BrigidsDaughter

04-18-2011, 03:42 PM

So a couple questions for you guys. Do any of your family members know? If not, do they know you're with one person and not others? If your family is against it as mine is, how will you explain to them your relationship status?

Sorry if these didn't make a lot of sense. I can try to re-word them later.

Wolf and I are only out to one member of our family; his cousin; who is also poly. In 2009, my sister, brother, hubby, and dad outed me as bi to my mom at Christmas Eve cookie making.... mom stayed in denial until earlier this year when a friend tagged me in a FB photo of me kissing a mutual female friend. I promptly untagged myself, but the damage has already been done. Though my mom never spoke directly to me about it. *shrugs*
Our families know Wendigo and Pretty Lady as our best friends. We "double date" every few months when we can afford it and PL can get out of picking their son up from JROTC practice.

Wendigo and I have gone back and forth on letting various friends in on our secret, but only 2 friends have direct knowledge of who Wolf and I are involved with and they are probably the last two we will ever tell; almost all of our friends are mutual.

In January, our quad officially came out to a close mutual friend, in part because he'd taken notice of how Wendigo and I interacted and the light bulb went off over his head. This did not end well. And resulted in Pretty Lady asking that Wendigo and I be more careful, as she was concerned with too many people knowing; especially after said friend commented that I should shoot a porno and he'd love to video tape it for us. She realized he was of more of a swinging mindset and became concerned that he'd film us and spread the film around to our other friends behind our backs.

(Background on Wendigo and PL: They live in a small town with her entire family living w/in 3 miles of their house, share property with her sister, and rely on shared family vehicles to get around town. Her family still treats Wendigo as an outsider after 19 years - in part because he is bi-racial.)

About a week later, said friend leaves his IM window open and his fiancée reads our conversation about my relationship with Wendigo and starts asking questions of Wendigo and I because she sees sex as a spiritual/ metaphysical expression of love that you can only have with your singular soul mate. I end up in the dog house for 24 hours while Wendigo and PL sort out their feelings about how she found out. Fast forward 3 months, we're doing okay, but our friendship with said friend is not as strong as it once was and our friendship with his fiancée is strained.

So far the being out is just not worth it.

Carma

04-18-2011, 03:58 PM

I had confided in one of my daughters, and she told my older daughter (accidentally -- she thought she kind of already knew). My older daughter promptly called my mom and my sister, and outed me to them. Fortunately the "telephone line" game stopped there. My mom and sister have been really cool, are trying to just stay out of my business. My oldest daughter has not spoken to me in 2 months :( She is angry because she feels I am 1. disgusting and immoral and 2. jeopardizing the stability of our family (she fears we will get divorced and my 4 younger kids will be devastated).

There are some people in my life who I will never come out to, voluntarily. I hope they never find out. However, they will never know the real me, and that makes me sad for them.

I'm not sure I could handle other relatives turning on me like my daughter has. To be honest I never expected such an extreme reaction from her -- I figured she'd be over it by now and just say, "It's your life, Mom."

We're trying to be very discreet. I don't go out in public with my boyfriend unless it's all 3 of us, and we haven't even done that in quite awhile. I go to his apartment once or twice a week when all the kids are at school. Making the best of it.

redpepper

04-20-2011, 02:15 AM

TL4everu2

04-20-2011, 11:11 AM

Well, RP, I'm doing MY part.Everyone where I work at, knows that my wife and I are poly. I asked one woman at work out. Her first response? "I don't do wives". My reply? "No-one said anything about doing my wife! But you might like it if you did. haha. No worries though. If you ever change your mind, we can go do lunch sometime....and I mean lunch...at a restraunt...with food...and ...yeah." LOL It was my failed attempt to let her know I wasn't simply in it for the sex. Oh well....I really don't think I want to date someone from work anyway. What happens when we break up? Things at work become strained and really weird. I already did something similar...it sucked.

Anyway, enough of my stories. Needless to say, I'm doing my part. ;)

Tonberry

06-11-2011, 08:39 PM

I'm staying with a friend of almost 15 years and she doesn't know I'm poly. It's very weird because we never really talk about relationships. She knows I was with Seamus before I left Raga, I think, but she never really asked or wondered. I know she doesn't think I cheated on Raga, but she probably thought the relationship was already over or something.

I don't know if I should actively tell her about it. It's hard to bring up because we don't talk about relationships. She knows I'm separated with Raga because that's the reason why I needed a place to stay. She knows I'm with Seamus because I talk to him on Skype. That's pretty much it, she never asked anything about the breakup or separation with Raga or what went wrong or anything, she never asked how I met Seamus or checked the exact date, she just knows when I left Canada I spent 3 months in the US before going to France and living with her.

I do want her to know I'm poly, but I don't really know how to. I don't think blurting it out out of context would make much sense. And I don't even know most of the vocabulary in French anyways to explain things to her. (Well that much isn't a big deal, I can check easily).
I'm also not actively looking for someone, or being out enough that it would come up, for instance if she saw me flirting and ask "what about Seamus?" then I could explain, but that's unlikely to ever happen so...

At that point, is it better to just wait, not actively hide it, and say it if it comes up? Or should I try and go out of my way to let her know?

To give an example, I know she's bisexual, but we never actively talked about it. I told her one of our friends was bisexual (she wrote me an email while we were staying together between 5 and 10 years ago, coming out to me and asking me to tell S, my roommate) and S's answer was "ah, her too" and it's hard to explain but it was obvious it meant she was as well, and that was that, we didn't talk more about it.
Then there was a comment in 2004 or 2005 or so when a guy said he could detect non-straight people (saying he had a gaydar or something I guess) and she said to me "I wanted to clear my throat and say 'I'm right here'", but you know, it's something we never talk about because it's like, okay, so what?

I figure my being poly might be along the same lines, so I don't want to make a big deal out of it by coming out instead of just implying it, but it's a bit hard to imply it in normal conversation I guess. And she's a very good friend of mine so I don't want to hide it from her either.

nycindie

06-11-2011, 10:55 PM

You're not really hiding anything if it just doesn't ever come up.

Charlie

06-12-2011, 12:04 AM

I really think that the change that I desire to see in the world around acceptance of poly is going to come from people coming out and feeling more capable and confident in talking about poly from the perspective of an alternative to Monogamy; not a replacement, but an alternative, not as a means to get more sex, but a way to create more belonging, love and deeper ties to chosen family.

Nicely articulated. I have more recently had cause to disclose to more people the nature of my relationship with Catfish and Rarechild and the more often I find "socially natural" opportunities to do this, the more confident I become in my ability to express it as matter-of-factly as I feel it. Few people ever get criticized for loving their family.

River

06-12-2011, 01:12 AM

My philosophy mentor and friend (nothing to take lightly!) once said to me, wisely, "Love is revolutionary".

I want to say, "You better believe it!" Those are only three words: Love is revolutionary.

Now, ... Viva!

BrigidsDaughter

06-23-2011, 12:10 AM

One of our good friends has know we're poly for about 2 years now; when she and I first discussed my relationship with Wendigo she gave her approval. Prior to that conversation and for a bit after we'd flirted with the idea of fooling around, but in the end she was more afraid of losing her boyfriend (even though he gave the OK). I was more than okay with that, but every so often she will dangle the carrot infront of my nose - hiding my birthday present down her shirt for me to dig for, showing me her new nipple piercings, letting Wendigo and I give her scratchies and massages while she moaned in our laps, and generally leading me on. A few times Wendigo has told her to make up her mind and so have I.

Runic Wolf and I outed ourselves to the rest of our Dag unit while at Ragnarok; one understood right off, our friends who already knew (and Wendigo) remained silent, but Friday morning I caught our good friend, T and our friend P talking about one of our unit heads; who was being actively pursued by a member of another unit, but is married and refused to cheat. They were annoyed because everyone was encouraging him to sleep with her; his wife is ARMY and they're living separate lives sans sex, much to his dismay when he does see her. I actually was proud of him for not cheating, but never got a chance to say so. P made a comment right infront of me that people who are in open or poly relationships must have something seriously wrong at home to make them want that sort of thing. I tried to say something about how it doesn't work for everyone, but P wouldn't let me into the conversation. T said that she'd never do it again. She didn't agree or disagree with him and did notice me and say that some people can do it and said that she'd never ever do it again. Then she spent the whole rest of our time there treating me like I was less than her. I had already decided, in November, that I was done trying to get her to change her mind. I realized that no matter how attracted to her I am, I'd be settling for her when I really want Pretty Lady. Still, being treated that way, infront of everyone, really hurt. Especially after hearing how she's been done with poly for awhile after she excitedly showed off her nipples to me for the first time back in May.....

I'm torn and confused about how to react. On the one hand, I want to confront her, but after the dramas w/in our unit on Sunday, I don't want to make things worse. On the other hand, is her not standing up for me and treating me as less (which could be because she's letting her new rank go to her head) worth risking our friendship for when I really don't want anything more?

serialmonogamist

06-23-2011, 04:38 PM

You're not really hiding anything if it just doesn't ever come up.
The problem is knowing what to say when it does. Awkward silences can be unpleasant. I think a good way to come out about having poly relationships would be to prelude with how morally terrible you find it when people lie and cheat in relationships because they need to maintain a facade of natural monogamous feelings. I'm guess many monogamous people would feel their own hypocrisy when you put it that way. Just say that you and your partner talked openly about your feelings and realized that you both felt limited by monogamy but love each other too much to lose each other. If you get negative reactions, it's probably just out of jealousy and frustration that people feel in maintaining their own facade.

nycindie

08-29-2011, 11:25 PM

Just discovered this site where people share stories of being "openly poly," and thought some folks would find it useful and interesting:

http://www.openlypoly.net/ (http://www.openlypoly.net/)

River

08-30-2011, 12:05 AM

I really think that the change that I desire to see in the world around acceptance of poly is going to come from people coming out and feeling more capable and confident in talking about poly from the perspective of an alternative to Monogamy; not a replacement, but an alternative, not as a means to get more sex, but a way to create more belonging, love and deeper ties to chosen family.

I agree with this 1000% !

I'm simply astonished at and by the level of fear of coming out I read and hear about. But I'm the B in the LGBT, and I have caught the flame of the broadly framed Civil Rights Movement, the spirit of couragious public nakedness and honesty, the passion for visible truth!

Stand up, people! Join arms and hands with your brothers and sisters, with pride!:):D:rolleyes::eek:

River

08-30-2011, 12:14 AM

To the documentary filmmakers among us: I pledge $100.00, American, to the doc maker who will commit to a serious project under the title: The Polyamory Underground (Okay, the title is just a suggestion). I want to see a film made where the invisibles (with disguised voices and faces) talk openly about their "underground" life, their life of hiding in the poly closet, trembling in fear.... I want to see comparisons with pre-Stonewall Gay America and the post Stonewall era as a dream.... I want our invisibility visible.

Who will pledge money to this project? Let's collect $10,000. as a grant/gift to entice the right folks. And we can choose an existing poly org to decide among filmmakers who can / will apply for the grant money encouragement.

I'll create a topic for this called "Pledge Drive" in General Discussions.

nycindie

08-30-2011, 12:31 AM

I replied to the other thread you started, River.

bitsy

08-30-2011, 03:49 AM

Openly Poly also really needs new stories! So, if you have something to share, please get in contact http://www.openlypoly.net/contact-us/ !

OpenandCountry

09-08-2011, 12:19 AM

Didn't know where else to put this...so here it goes. In one of my master's courses I had to write a paper about my undergrad experience. Being poly and bisexual, and the process I had to go through to find that identity, was a huge part of my conflict as a young adult. I go to a very liberal school, so I don't fear any repercussions from my professor, but he is the first person I've come out to other than my sisters and close friends....in other words, someone I'm not close to. I feel nervous, yet surprisingly relieved.

rory

10-10-2011, 07:59 PM

I'm totally out to all my friends and they are all supporting as hell. I'm really lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. <3

I consider my friends and partners to be WAY closer to me than any of my "family". I guess, of my parents I'd say I'm closest to my father, although we only see each other about once a year, plus exchange maybe a few e-mails/texts during the year. So he's not a big presence in my life, but we mostly get along, and we talk about all kinds of stuff. We have quite different values, he's a fundamentalist Christian.

Anyway, I came out to him maybe two years ago about my bisexuality. It wasn't something I needed to tell him, but it goes against my nature to be in a closet. He didn't take it well (as I knew he wouldn't). He's not judgemental to my face (as in saying I will burn in hell or smthing like that). But in general he does think that same-sex action is a sin and sick and all that. This summer I mentioned to him that I'm not monogamous with my husband, and I exchanged a few e-mails with him about that (and some other stuff) just today.

And I'm getting tired of this. Of feeling sad about the fact that he isn't able to accept me as I am. I don't want this in my life, I want to move on. My childhood was based around me trying to get acceptance from my parents, and I'm done with that. In general, I don't care what anybody thinks about me unless it's somebody close to me. I hate that I still give so much power to his thoughts, i.e. that he still has the power to make me so sad. :( I don't know if I can move on while having the (almost but not quite non-existent) relationship we have now. But we can't really have more, and not having any kind of relationship at all feels sort of drastic.

I don't really know what I'm looking for with posting, and this is propably sort of incoherent and incomplete.. Kind of just wanted to share with some people for whom 'coming out' is relevant in their lives.

nycindie

10-10-2011, 10:06 PM

. . . I'm getting tired of this. Of feeling sad about the fact that he isn't able to accept me as I am. I don't want this in my life, I want to move on. My childhood was based around me trying to get acceptance from my parents, and I'm done with that. In general, I don't care what anybody thinks about me unless it's somebody close to me. I hate that I still give so much power to his thoughts, i.e. that he still has the power to make me so sad. :( I don't know if I can move on while having the (almost but not quite non-existent) relationship we have now. But we can't really have more, and not having any kind of relationship at all feels sort of drastic.
Just as parents need to accept that their children are adults making their own choices, part of the growing up process is accepting that our parents are no longer our parents. It is possible to see them as just people. Yes, they are the people who gave us life, instilled their beliefs and values in us, loved us, nurtured us, and raised us, but they aren't parenting us anymore and at some point there has to be a disengagement from the emotional need for their approval. The only way I know how to do that is to stop thinking of them as our parents. Really, to step back a bit and start looking at them as almost strangers you are just getting to know. That doesn't mean we don't honor them and show respect for what they gave us, but it is a letting go of any romantic notions that they still have power over us. It can be done. I know people who have, and they have wonderful friendships with their parents because of it. I was able to do that with my father, which freed me a great deal from unhealthy attachment to him, but I couldn't completely do that with my mother. It's a process, but it starts with proactively choosing to see them differently.

sayhaw

10-11-2011, 03:54 AM

I suppose I "care" that's why I don't share this interest with everyone openly and haven't shared with any of my family members. However, I also feel somewhat the same... once I've told some friends I figure they will either like me or not. So far a good group of them are okay with it. Yay! Now there are some my husband and I are holding back on since we pretty much know there view points- and heck- not ALL our friends/family etc need to know EVERYTHING- Right?
S.

AnnabelMore

10-11-2011, 06:21 PM

Today is National Coming Out Day, btw! I posted on facebook about being bi, which is no secret anyway. Not quiiiite brave enough yet to post about poly, even though all those close to me know. I *did* put up photos of Gia, Bee and Davis in my office at work, maybe I'll be brave enough to say who they all are to me if someone asks. :)

rory

10-13-2011, 06:53 PM

Just as parents need to accept that their children are adults making their own choices, part of the growing up process is accepting that our parents are no longer our parents. It is possible to see them as just people. Yes, they are the people who gave us life, instilled their beliefs and values in us, loved us, nurtured us, and raised us, but they aren't parenting us anymore and at some point there has to be a disengagement from the emotional need for their approval. The only way I know how to do that is to stop thinking of them as our parents. Really, to step back a bit and start looking at them as almost strangers you are just getting to know. That doesn't mean we don't honor them and show respect for what they gave us, but it is a letting go of any romantic notions that they still have power over us. It can be done. I know people who have, and they have wonderful friendships with their parents because of it. I was able to do that with my father, which freed me a great deal from unhealthy attachment to him, but I couldn't completely do that with my mother. It's a process, but it starts with proactively choosing to see them differently.

Thank you for this. :) I think that's an excellent aim. I think there's a lot of baggage with my father, which is making it hard. I haven't been able to forgive him some things, and communicating with him raises a lot of difficult emotions. I really don't want to hold a grudge, and I believe he's sincere in that he admits his responsibility and regrets a lot of the things. I don't know why I can't reach forgiveness, since in my other relationships I don't find it difficult at all. :confused: I do think that I've made some progress with the process you're describing, the intense sad feelings I had when writing that post are quite uncommon, and I generally don't care a lot about his opinions. I think there may have been more contributing to that than what I felt the reason was..

Minxxa

10-13-2011, 07:28 PM

Thank you for this. :) I think that's an excellent aim. I think there's a lot of baggage with my father, which is making it hard. I haven't been able to forgive him some things, and communicating with him raises a lot of difficult emotions. I really don't want to hold a grudge, and I believe he's sincere in that he admits his responsibility and regrets a lot of the things. I don't know why I can't reach forgiveness, since in my other relationships I don't find it difficult at all. :confused: I do think that I've made some progress with the process you're describing, the intense sad feelings I had when writing that post are quite uncommon, and I generally don't care a lot about his opinions. I think there may have been more contributing to that than what I felt the reason was..

I think it can be easier to forgive others as opposed to our parents because there can be a great deal of expectations as to what parents are "supposed" to do, give, and be in a child's life. We want them to be certain things for us, but in the end they are just people like everyone else.

In one of my counseling classes my teacher expressed how it may be helpful to go through a "grieving" process -- to grieve for the mom (or dad) you wanted to have, but didn't. Grieve the fantasy of what you would have preferred... because in a way it IS a loss that you didn't have that.

rory

10-13-2011, 07:48 PM

^I think I have done that, and I've moved past it to anger, and hate. I try to let go of that, but it always raises its ugly head. I guess I'm not good at handling it since those are scarier feelings for me. (This is getting a bit off topic, but I appreciate the responses. :))

Laluna

11-23-2011, 09:31 AM

well i'm luck to have been raised in a very open family life style. there have been a few poly family friends, my sister was born following my fathers vasectomy, which certainly raised a few eyebrows in the extened, very christian family.

for me it's always been natural to love, as much as you can and whom ever you wish and to express that in whatever form suits. i do discovered the term poly when i was about 17, didn't look into it much but it seemed to fit and i explained the concept to my mother and a few friends at the time.

i still think i'm a bit of a poly virgin, having only been in one relationship which was essentially a monogomous one. my partner of three yeaars and i have now technically split up, but are still living together and exploring the idea of a poly relationship, somthing i want and he's still unsure of being able to handle.

so as it hasn't been a practiced life style i haven't had to *come out* as such. i expect i would recieve a similar response to what i already get mentioning my fathers boyfriend, which varies from suprise to confusion but everyone has been quite accepting.

my friends are a very open minded alternative bunch, my teacher is poly and i'm an artist so i don't have any employers to worry about. well exept for my part time job in a traveling carnival freakshow.

so the only people in my life whose reactions come under serious consideration is my daughter, whose exposure will be limited until her father feel more comfortable. and as i am not practicing a poly lifestyle it doen't matter so much.

suppose the point is i am confident that all the people in my life are open minded and accepting. this however does not mean they are comforable being in a poly relationship themselves.

ChloeJane

11-25-2011, 08:31 PM

As a LGBT advocate and political activist for a long time, I have seriously been questioning whether to come out as a bi-sexual polyamorist for some time now. I have collected thousands of signatures for petitions for queer rights to the UN, joined coalitions to keep "gay books" in libraries in the State of Washington, and have my business listed on every gay friendly site that exists. I am an equal rights employer, have mentored young queers in business and life, and put advertisements in queer magazines/papers to support their work.

But me? The public knows me as a straight, married businesswoman. Up until last year, I had never actually been with a woman, and it has been a true awakening process in my life. I am now with my third girlfriend, and it's a wonderful relationship that could last a long time. My husband and I see her regularly.

I have told my close friends about all three women in my life and experienced a lot of acceptance and support (I don't have any bigoted friends that I know of) but know that "the public" can be a different story. I have a high profile in my community - I am on a first name basis with the mayor, attend a lot of prestigious community events, get invited to sit in boxes for hockey games, have won a lot of awards presented to me by some bigwigs in politics for environmentalism and community involvement.

Some of my friends say that this makes it an even more powerful statement to come out. That because I already have earned respect for what I do, and who I am in my community that it will turn their stereotypes on their heads, and give them a practical example of a "normal person" being into an alternative lifestyle. I also know that given today's political arena, that there is a certain cache in knowing someone who is GLBT. I am still reluctant though. I am protective of my private life in general, and don't like the idea of being able to be written off by people who previously respected me. I fear losing my effectiveness as a community member based on bigotry from the Religious Right that also holds a lot of power/influence in our community. I had three people of significance put me forward for a position on City Council this year, and I can see myself doing a good job serving my community down the line... what if coming out changes their viewpoints in my capability or the appropriateness of serving my community?

When I was in my teens, you could see my politics all over me; shaved head, piercings, always at a ralley, march or protest. Now I am in disguise - long blonde hair, snappy dresser - same politics, but camouflaged. And I have discovered that I create MUCH more positive change WITH hair than without. That my outward appearance makes people comfortable, and capable of actualizing my politics in arenas that ripple out and create tangible change for others in my community.

It's an interesting place to be - at first I thought it was just a phase, and that I would experiment and be done with it. But I love women just as much as I have ever loved men; I have even toyed with the idea of having a female primary partner down the line should I ever be single again (I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but you just never know how life will unfold!) I am in the middle of two worlds right now.... decisions, decisions.

My sister knows and is super accepting - she is trans, poly and heavily into the BDSM scene. My parents? Not yet.... but I doubt they'd be overly surprised that they've raised two weirdos, given that they're two weirdos themselves LOL. (I use the term weirdos in a respectful, joking way here, to be clear!)

rory

11-26-2011, 11:58 AM

Wow, ChloeJane, that's a tough one!

I can see how you can do a lot of good in your position, and that might be threatened if/when you come out. Then again, being out might cause other kind of good things. And I totally understand your concern for your career. While I really value openness, I find it unlikely that political community would be ready for public polyamory. Bisexuality, maybe, but poly is just so "out there".

I'm a student now, but some of my dreams for future involve a position not unlike yours, so I've been pondering these kinds of things a bit lately. I'm out now, but I'm not sure if that would be feasible in a political workplace (where you're not supposed to advertise your personal life, and yet it's ok that everybody knows you're married :rolleyes:).

From what you tell about your position, I think I would not commit to never coming out, but neither would I do it just yet. I would wait until I'm on a REALLY stable basis with the girlfriend, as in, when I would be ready to get married was it allowed by law. At that point I would consider coming out. It's like with public figures in gay/lesbian relationships: they are a "role model", they have to show that same-sex-relatioships are committed and respectable and all that. If you do go public, you can't have a messy (or even a non-messy) break-up with either of your partners without it being held as evidence about poly being non-committed (because monogamous straight couples never break up, right? :rolleyes:). And I guess you might need to commit to polyfidelity, because I'm sure any outside sexual relationships would attract even more unreasonable amounts of scandal-seeking media attention than they do with the straight&monogamous public figures.

Then, I don't know. Somebody who is in your position, and ethically poly, might be able to have a big impact on public perception of polyamory. If they are careful about how and when to come out, but not without a considerable personal risk.

riftara

11-26-2011, 06:10 PM

I want to be out so bad. Iwant to explain to my mom whats up, i think she will have more of problem with me having a gf than anything else, she knows Im with F, and John is coming home soon, her thoughts have been just "things will be interesting" she doesnt have to much of a problem but i havent really explained it.
My boyfriends dad and stepmom know, and some siblings and cousins

I dont know if our other parents will ever know

ChloeJane

11-26-2011, 08:41 PM

Wow, ChloeJane, that's a tough one!

I can see how you can do a lot of good in your position, and that might be threatened if/when you come out. Then again, being out might cause other kind of good things.

I too see both sides of this. In some ways, I feel like I am coasting under the radar while my brothers and sisters in the queer world have fought with their whole beings (including their lives at times) to push forward awareness and demand to be respected, and of that, I feel ashamed. I help them fight for their rights openly, but am now hiding how I live? It's a double standard that bothers me on a fundamental level.

Then, I don't know. Somebody who is in your position, and ethically poly, might be able to have a big impact on public perception of polyamory. If they are careful about how and when to come out, but not without a considerable personal risk.

I think that's the important part of it; when and how I come out, should I ever get to that place.... And yes, I also agree with knowing that my relationship with my girlfriend is more secure, because being polyamorous AND promiscuous would be the kiss o' death ;)

Pretzels

01-25-2012, 03:32 AM

In our situation, the guys have been friends for almost a decade and have been in each other's families to various extents. If anything, I was the complete newcomer.

You can tell there's a bit of puzzling out between some of the parents. Some are more curious than others but would never ask. Mine? Well, I've put them through enough through the years. My mother has blatantly told me "there are some things a Mom doesn't need to know." That said, she loves the guys and frequently asks how "my family" is doing.

Where I have more trouble is at work. I work long hours with very traditional people who think nothing of being married several times or boasting of the threesomes they've had after nights at the bar. However, I get the feeling that if it became common knowledge that I was in a committed relationship with two men, I'd have a big, big headache on my hands.

So, as everyone gets engaged around me, I smile and say that no, nothing like that is going to happen with my boyfriend (they know about one, not the other). It's really hard to bite one's tongue, but I'm getting better at it.

JohnnyDangerously

01-28-2012, 11:43 PM

trescool

02-06-2012, 03:28 AM

As a LGBT advocate and political activist for a long time, I have seriously been questioning whether to come out as a bi-sexual polyamorist for some time now.
I understand exactly what you are saying, ChloeJane. I too am a LGBTQ activist. But when the opportunity to bring up polyamory arises in the meetings I attend or participate in... my lips seem to stick shut. I am openly bisexual, but coming out as poly... it's questioning one of the most fundamental values of our society, monogamous marriage AND the structure of the family. It's tough.
The way has been paved a bit for us with gay rights, people nowadays do seem to think that "whatever you chose to do with your life, it's okay as long as everyone is a consenting adult"... that is a big change from the past 50 years. But my bf's family completely FREAKED when they found out he was poly... it did NOT go well. So it's hard to know what to do when I want a stable family with my bf and any possible future OSOs, and being out and acknoledging that they're important people in my life, even living with them is so important to me... but I dearly love my family (parents and siblings and extended family). I don't want to alienate them, and I do NOT think they'd react well.

rory

02-06-2012, 09:12 AM

Oh yeah, I was thinking about updating that I told my brother. He's a few years younger than me, and we don't hang out or have contact that much but we're still sort of close. So, I had decided that I'll tell him when I feel like it's a good time, and it came up when we met when I was visiting the country I'm from. I'm happy it did. The conversation was way from smooth, something like:

brother: So who will you be meeting when you're here?
rory: We'll, *lists a few names, some of which he has heard before*
b: Mya, who's she?
r: umm, a friend..sort of, well, umm, she's my girlfriend.
b:... :confused: ...
r: well, umm, we are in a relationship, and it's just like 'normal' dating except that both of us are already married..
b: ... *continuation of a stunned look and a really long silence*
r: you know, I know this isn't really common stuff so it's okay if you're all "what the fuck!"...
b: ... Okay, so what the fuck? :eek: And Alec is okay with it?
r: yeah, he is fine with it. I'm not expecting any particular reaction from you, but you can ask me more, or you can ask him, or anything.

So we left it at that a month ago (and we didn't really have time to go into it more in the situation), but I exchanged messages with him, because I realised I didn't really give him all the relevant info. So, something like this ensued:

r: (I did write other stuff, too) About the dating others thing, I didn't mention to you that me and Alec are in an open marriage, and he can see other people as well. I know you didn't ask for more info or anything but I didn't want you to get the picture that I'm just messing around and he sits there watching or something. It's more balanced than that. We've had this arrangement for several years, and not because we're not enough to each other but because we don't see any reason for monogamy. And there hasn't really been any reason to talk about it to other people, except now that I'm in a relationship with Mya, and we're serious (together almost a year), so I want to tell people who are close to me.

b: okay, don't really know what to say to that, but it's not really any of my business, but I was in kind of a shock when you first told me.. But you've got to admit that's not the kind of thing you're expecting to hear. And I'm not going to say that I understand that kind of thing, it feels sort of twisted, but then again, you're married to Alec and I'm just your conservative brother.

r: yeah, I'm not really expecting you to understand, I think there's a difference in how conservative we are in general.. And it's okay that it was a shock, but I think it's cool that you still approach it with a attitude that it doesn't really matter if you don't understand on a personal level.

Overall, I'm really happy that I felt like telling him, and that he now knows everything relevant. I'm also happy I sent him a follow-up, even though it felt awkward. And I'm glad about his response. I mean I really didn't expect him to understand, since I had a feeling he knows nothing about open/poly relationships, and he's sort of a conservative guy in general. But not in that kind of a judgemental way, just like I can't imagine him ever (or if he doesn't change a lot) doing something so out of the ordinary in his own life. But I feel that even though he doesn't get it, he hasn't let it affect our relationship in any way, and that's cool. :)