Five Love Lanaguages

[JuliaGay]

nycindie's posting of "Everyday Commitments To Loving Kindness" inspired me to start a thread about the Five Love Languages. (I did a search and didn't find it, so if this is a repeat, I apologize.) It's also not specifically poly (in fact, the creator is an Evangelical Christian and the website is heavily focused on monogamous relationships), but it has a lot of value. A poly-friendly therapist friend of mine suggested it to me. It's a tool that's been very helpful to me and my partners.

5lovelanguages.com

The idea is that we all have a predominant love language from one of the five (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts). This is the way we express and interpret love. And if we aren't aware of our partners' love languages, we will give them love the way we want to receive it. This was an epiphany for me. Knowing that my predominant love language is Words of Affirmation really helped my partner for whom Acts of Service means love...and vice versa.

There's a quiz on the website and you have to choose to take it as a husband, a wife, or a single. It's the same set of questions framed differently by role. Definitely worth your time. :)

JG

[schtuff]

thanks julia. i was not surprised by my love language. and i think the misses's's's (i hate apostrophes) might be different.

oh great.... now i am having an epiphany! sheesh now i have to think.... about relationship schtuff, and emotions. (not easy for us emotionally stunted men).

ok seriously... i need to have her take the quiz, unfortunately i think we might be polar opposites on this thing. i mean, that would mean that we complete one another in a yin yang sort of co-existence, and we both believe in balance, karma, justice, and an influence from the universe.... but if i am right, i believe my lowest scores 1 or 2 (acts, gifts) would be her highest scores.

ha ha... now i have to be introspective too!!!! carp!<spell check cant fix everything. for someone who puts stock in balance, my scores were anything but.... i was 8,8,1,2,11. of course there is the redhead influence kicking in there at the end, and a somewhat abusive childhood (red headed step child) causing a need to be reassured and bumping the front scores.... oh great.... now i am self analyzing, i feel like i should be billing myself for this session, but i cant afford my own rates!

thanks julia for throwing a monkey wrench into my day. :P
he he he.

seriously thank you, it was very informative, and it could seriously boost a level of communication between loving adults.

schtuff.

[nycindie]

Hi! This book is pretty popular with people here. I haven't read it yet. It's mentioned in lots of threads, but I don't think there are many that are devoted to the book/concept. Here is one:

My Love Language Profile (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3785)

You might also like this thread, where lots of people posted their love languages, too:

Myers Briggs and polyamory. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=689)

[OpenandCountry]

8 Words of Affirmation
6 Quality Time
0 Receiving Gifts
8 Acts of Service
8 Physical Touch

Apparently the only thing I don't need in a relationship is gifts. :)

[Minxxa]

ok seriously... i need to have her take the quiz, unfortunately i think we might be polar opposites on this thing. i mean, that would mean that we complete one another in a yin yang sort of co-existence, and we both believe in balance, karma, justice, and an influence from the universe.... but if i am right, i believe my lowest scores 1 or 2 (acts, gifts) would be her highest scores. .

Having different love languages is expected and no biggie, really. :) The point is that some miscommunications happen when one person is trying to show they love the person in a way that doesn't communicate love for their partner. For example a man for whom "Acts of Service" is how he feels love, might do a lot of things like fix the car, mow the lawn, etc. and that's how he shows love to his wife. If his wife's love language is "Quality Time", then she's not "feeling" any love from him, because he's spending all of his time doing things instead of with her! :)

The book is good, I just finished it, but yes it is focused on monogamy and there is one line about having more than one partner diminishing the relationship, so anti-poly statement right there. But... I'm really good at glossing over that stuff.

Basically you don't really need to read the book. Just having each of you take the quiz, find out what the major love language(s) are, and then making the effort to communicate your love through your partner's love language is really all there is to it.

[SourGirl]

There are a few talks about this test already, but I think its popular enough, there will always be more. :) I hope you don`t mind my following, nay-saying, its not personal :D

That said, while I think Gary Chapman has some good info about many things, I have never been a fan of this test for poly or open relationships.

Like the test shows, It is divided for husbands, and wives, versus, 'singles'.

Odds are your 'love style' with one partner, will not carry over to be exactly the same with every partner. This is not a representation always of WHO you are. It is a representation of who you are as a individual, once mingled with someone else, in the case of married people.

In the cause of single and higher autonomy, you will have a very different viewpoint.

Also take into account, that for married people,...your state of mind is different person to person. So while one person might be a 'glass-is-half-full' kind of person and counting their blessings with their spouse, they will check off the answers that they routinely feel cherished on.
A 'glass-is-half-empty' person will check off the things they crave.

It seems people take this test to heart, and then define how they want to be loved by it. So I have not been a very big fan of this test for the flaws of logic.

If people are really fans of the test, I would suggest that they take it a few times. Both as a married or person in a relationship, and then clear their mind, feel independent, and take it as a single. Vice-versa for singles. If you are single, think of your last long-term relationship you were in, and take the spouse side.

Then take it on different days, depending on various moods.

It might be more accurate then, if people understand the various things that can change how they feel loved.

[JuliaGay]

We can agree to disagree, SourGirl. :) Just because I've found something to be helpful doesn't mean everyone will. And I realize that it's not the end all and be all of relationship tools. It's just one among many. :)

JG

[SNeacail]

I just viewed the test as an indicator (as I do most tests). I was a bit surprised at how high my secondary language scored (didn't really realize I had one), but as I put much more thought into it, it made sense. SourGirl is right in that the test should not be taken as absolute, your love language can change and evolve over time and from relationship to relationship. My top three tend to rotate order of importance.

I found the book EXTREMELY helpful, especially as we went over it together. It's so much easier to say to my husband, "Hey, I need some quality time" or to make sure that I express my gratitude when he cleans up the kitchen. It gave the both of us a lot of insight into each other.

[Minxxa]

I don't know... I may love other people differently depending on what they need, but my love language doesn't change with each person I'm in a relationship with. It's the same whether it's a love relationship, friendship, family, etc. In order to feel loved and close with someone I require the same things-- quality time and physical touch, though obviously that's expressed differently with hubs than with my kidlets or my friends! :D

[JnR]

Well I scored really high (10) on physical touch and (9) on quality time. Actually makes sense to me :) Will be fun to have hubby take it tonight and see... I think he will actually score high on those two as well, but will be fun to see regardless

[schtuff]

as predicted my wife took the test and here are the results.
me her
8 7 Words of Affirmation
8 8 Quality Time
1 3 Receiving Gifts
2 9 Acts of Service
11 3 Physical Touch

this does give me something to work on. i have been doing more around the house to help out and make me more active. even after messing up last week, we are on a better track.

knowledge is power, but understanding is the key.

schtuff.

[trueRiver]

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

Thanks for posting this: I found the 'husband' and 'single' options quite useful, even though I am neither.

Some of the pairs were quite hard to decide; whereas all the pairs involving touch were obvious. As a polyaffectionate poly it was no surprise that I like touch: that this 'langiage' came out on top.

For me the interesting results were the ordering of the other items.

What was even more surprising for me were my feelings while doing the 'Apology Language' test: which works a bit differently (there are several options for each situation, rather than just a pair). For several of the situations I had a strong feeling of 'i wish someone would say that to me'

I think that knowing what our partners want, both in terms of offering love and in terms of offering apologies, could be very useful. I agree with SourGirl that these may vary between partners, and what I think would be most useful would be to see what a particular partner scores when they are specifically thinking of their relationship with me throughout the test.

[openbj]

I love this book!! J and I read it years ago and we've always recommended it to our friends. There's also a 5 Love Languages for teens to help parents relate and express their love more effectively with their children. We have both. There's a lot of insight into everyday relationships through these books. If I remember correctly, he even talks about it not just being for married relationships, but is useful in work environments and so on. If you know better how to deal with the people around you, it becomes a lot more peaceful and enjoyable environment. I just can't remember if I read that in one of the books or if he said it in an interview about the books. Very psychological and insightful.