View Full Version : Spinoff - Time Sharing
08-07-2011, 01:54 AM
After reading vodka's thread on time sharing ... I got this overwhelming sense of sadness and jealousy....
I am very new to the poly life. I have a husband of 7 years, and have recently, within the past 4 months started a relationship with a woman .... who also was my college roommate. I have been in love with her for years .. and couldnt admit this fact to myself .. let alone anyone else. I will call her Devo
We are having a hard time not with TIME sharing, per say, but bed sharing. I would love the input of anyone ... but especially in those in V relationships ... or is married.
My husband (Fish), and Devo get along great. She is gay, and has only dated women.. my husband has no interest in looking for another woman. ( I am ok with him looking as long as she is willing to become part of our family) The hang up is when she comes to visit ... with whom do I share a bed with? My husband, who I am legally bound to... or with my girlfriend who traveled out here to come see us? It was ok this summer because my husband was on third shift and was never home at bed time. I woke up at 6:00 am in order to switch beds in time for my husband to come home. We were all ok with that. Currently ... we really cant figure out something that works... and I end up feeling all crappy because I always hurt someone.
What happens when he is on a different shift? What happens if we all want to go on an overnight adventure somewhere?
Advice? Help? I feel that I suck at this :confused:
08-07-2011, 02:51 AM
A Critter Sandwich? Devo on one side of you, hubby on the other. You geet to cuddle with both and neither feels left out.
08-08-2011, 06:50 AM
I think you need to let it go... and so do they. There has to be consideration/empathy/compassion for metamours, partners and for the hinge of a vee in these kinds of things. It isn't okay that they are hurt because you are struggling to create a balance so that they will be happy. I know that is a hard thing to ask for, but it might be worth pointing out that they also have to work it out with you. Sometimes I get my two guys, whom I live with, to take the burden of responsibility of my shoulders and put it on theirs and decide between them where I will be and where I will sleep and who I will spend time with when. Its hard work balancing EVERYTHING and frankly, I don't think it has to fall on one person. I have found it builds strong relationships to be that involved in every aspect... separating metamours and trying to do all the work of making them happy seems to end in a pile of resentment, stress and unnecessary dependence.
08-08-2011, 07:07 PM
A couple of years ago, the family and I went on a camping vacation to a four day festival that my new girlfriend had invited us to. We had decided beforehand that I would spent two nights in my own tent, and two in the girlfriend's. That seemed fair. The wife and I had been poly for about six months, and my relationship with the girlfriend was still in the NRE stage. It was at this festival that the wife met another guy, and later started a long distance relationship.
>>>>> Fast forward a few months.... >>>>>
Yay! It was time for another camping trip!! Only this time, the girlfriend would not be there, but the wife's boyfriend would be. So once again the the wife and I discussed sleeping arrangements, and it was agreed that she would spend all the time with the boyfriend. It seemed the most egalitarian solution. Afterall, they only got to see each other a few days each month.
>>>>> Fast forward to present day.... >>>>>
Next month we go camping! Yay! I'll be there with my wife, my girlfriend Writer and Artist, who I have just started dating. Writer's new flirtation may be there, and possibly Artist's boyfriend, and the other two guys Artist is dating. In whose tent I'll end up sleeping is...er....anybody's guess. Given that this is a community with many polyamorous people, there are always other "opportunities" that may arise. As such, the wife and I agreed that there would be no predetermined sleeping arrangements.
08-08-2011, 07:17 PM
Since Writer and Artist live in the same house, and I am now dating both, I also find myself facing the question: where do I sleep?. I think I worry too much about it, especially since writer is going through a celibate phase and prefers to sleep alone. But still....
When I am on a date with Writer, and come nightfall find myself in Artist's bed, I can't help but feel a little "odd". Last thing I want to do if give writer the impression that I am only after sex, and since she is not offering any, I'll next door. This is part of the reason it took me so long for me to date Artist!
08-08-2011, 08:02 PM
Given that this is a community with many polyamorous people, there are always other "opportunities" that may arise.That sounds like open or swinging, not poly.
08-08-2011, 08:47 PM
Perhaps, but polyamorous folk can enjoy a little casual sex too!
08-09-2011, 09:08 AM
Like RedPepper says, it makes sense not to burden just one person with this decision. It would be better to agree upon some kind of schedule so that everyone knows what's going on.
08-11-2011, 12:49 AM
We are actually making a LITTLE headway with this process. Devo has talked about the possibility of her and I can go away for the weekend in October, without the kids. (I have NEVER traveled without my children) Fish said that that was cool ... *if* she could take the kids at another time so him and I can get away. She loves the kids and was totally cool with the idea. She was just glad that we are making some gains in this area. (She lives by a cruise terminal ... I see a husband/wife cruise in the future)
08-11-2011, 12:01 PM
Like you I am very newly initiated into a a V. We're just beginning. We've slept in the same bed, which was good.
Now we're in process of who and who not to tell, and how to tell the kids. And I think the scheduling is coming up soon too. Every relationship setup is different, we all have to find out what works.
Hi there! It's funny to read your post since our situations are so similar: I also have been with my husband for 7 years and my girlfriend for 4 months. :)
Firstly, I think it would be useful for you to think about what it is you want? If everybody was totally cool with any arrangement, what would you like to do? What kind of a relationship do you wish to have with Devo? Do you wish for her to become a part of the family and be on an equal standing with Fish? Or are you looking for a secondary type relationship? What's she looking for? I think it is reasonable of her to want to spend at least some of the nights with you when she comes to visit.
Do you know why it is that Fish doesn't want you and Devo to share a bed when he's there too? Is the issue about him feeling bad: jealous, hurt, neglected? Or is it that he feels it's his "right" since you're married, and he doesn't want to share you?
If it's the first reason I'm sure there is a lot of help available to the situation. There's a lot of info here on this forum about jealousy and working through it.
If it's the second reason, him feeling he has the right to your time since he's the one married to you, how do you feel about that? Are you OK with Devo getting "the leftovers" of your time, i.e. only getting to spend the night with you when Fish isn't there? Or do you want something more (and does she)? If so, you need to tell him that and see, if you can come to an agreement.
Good luck. :)
08-12-2011, 06:34 PM
I'll echo some of the sentiment here and note that, when I was in a similar situation, the person in the hinge of the V slept in the middle, with the other two of us on either end of hir. That seemed to work pretty well.
Currently, I live with the person in that hinge, who also dates another boy. We've actually worked out a nice method of time sharing, where during certain times of the week, shhe will spend time with and even spend the night at the other people's houses, now that there's no co-habitation or sleep overs due to all of our current schedules.