Help! I have a bi-sexual girlfriend!

[Christian]

Sorry, for the title, its true, but also meant to garner attention.

My name is Christian and I am in a very good relationship with a girl named Eve. Eve is bi-sexual and I knew that from day one. In fact it was a fight between myself and a lesbian friend of mine to who "got" her. Of course, it wasnt really our decision..lol.

When we started dating, she really downplayed her attraction to girls and lesbian sex. But, after about a year she wanted to start talking about girls. I wasn't against it as I actually have a long history of dating bi and gay girls. I am a pretty feminine guy (ive always joked that i must be the stepping stone for some of them). For, Eve that is not the case as her ONLY sexual experiances before me where lesbian. So, i know its not her "coming out" or anything. If anything, she is actually obsessed with me. (In a good way)

But, now she is expressing that she would like to at some point have sex with girls again. Now, here is where (according to my noob research into this lifestyle) where it differs from what i think most must mean with "polyamory" ...as she says she has no desire to "love" them (beyond that which is what one should do). She made her point clear that it is only a sexual thing she wants. And would prefer me to be present (as in, in the room or house at the time, but not a threesome)

My Response: at first excited as most guys would be with the "fantasy" of girl on girl sex. Then contemplative of what that would mean. I believe that personally I am a monogamous person. I feel that that is what helps me be my best. But, I also actually believe she could have sex with these girls and it not "hurt" her state of stability. She also has stated that she would never want me to sexually participate with her girlfriends and admits it would be a jelousy factor, adding that if I was bi she would be ok with me sleeping with other males. Is this lop sided and bad, even if that is not what id choose to do?

My Question: Is this a common form of this lifestyle? To have one partner who is bi and the only one exploring other sexual partners? I have read many things here stating that ground rules are important and we have discussed them. Also, she has made it very clear to me that she wants to marry me (i have reservations about marriage, but its something im working through) and that she doesnt want to really have girlfriends until we are married. So her sincerity and commitment to our relationship is not at all at question.

Is there someone on here like me? With a wife or fiance who wants to have something similar? How is it for you? I know, from a fantasy standpoint many guys would kill to have two or more girls in their bed, but how does it make one feel that you cant touch? Only be there and look.

Sorry for the long post. Just want to learn as much as I can before making a decision. Thank you.

[bookworm]

I have a partner who is bi, and he has a bf that he sees from time to time. It is also more of a sexual attraction than a deep relationship. Altho, with the guy he is with now I have seen that it is developing to more than a friendship. Which is perfectly fine with me, but having said that, I recently had the opportunity to join them. I have been with him and other guys before, but this was different. I really felt like I was intruding and didn't belong there. And I think in the future, at least for a while, that I'll find somewhere else to be when they are together. I am really happy that he has found such a friend w benefits, but I don't want to intrude on that personal time for them. I also have another relationship, but it is long term and much more than just sexual so its quite different than what they have.

All relationships are different and its just whatever works best for you. But I wouldn't choose to be the odd one out if my so was involved in the bedroom w/o me.

[Ceoli]

First: Being bisexual doesn't equal being poly. There are plenty of monogamous bisexual people out there. Your problem is that she wants an open relationship, not that she is bi.

Second: I would be very leery of any partner that wants something but sets restrictions based upon jealousy. I find it funny when people say "I want to sleep with other girls and I wouldn't be jealous if you slept with a guy, but I will be jealous if you slept with a girl" or vice versa. This is one reason why I don't fit in well with he swinger community because although most of the couples claim to be open, there is a hell of a lot of jealousy simmering underneath a whole lotta denial.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hi Cristian,
I think Ceoli made a couple good points for you above and I'll try to add a little helpful clarity if possible.
I seems to me that there's a lot of misconceptions out there regarding what "polyamory" really is - in both theory & practice. It's complicated - yet simple.
It's my guess (and only that) that the majority of people who find themselves involved with a variety of "poly" (meaning multiple) lifestyles got started down that path from a "sexual" jumping off point. Exceptions apply of course but my suspicion is that the majority got stared that way. Sexuality is a big deal...in human nature, in culture etc.
Right now - you seem poised on that launching pad and are about to take off - but in WHAT direction ? A lot of people like to stand polamory on one extreme and swinging on the other. We tend to drape a net between them to also catch all the possible variations in between. At some point you'll discover where your ship lands - on one end or the other or maybe in the net.
But here's where we see a critical point of understanding you will have to search YOURSELF for.
It appears you are launching from a primarily sexual platform - pretty common. The question now becomes - if in the course of pursuing this path you discover that there is an emotional element enters i.e. some true bonding (love in all it's various variations?) - how will THAT feel to you ? What will it mean to you if/when your GF professes some deeper connection to another person - be it male/female/TG whatever. Or what if it happens to YOU ? How will you both feel about that ?
It's a good discussion to get out on the table right at square one. And keep in mind that your views at a given moment are subject to evolution :) But having the facts and possibilities in front of you are critical to building strong relationships.
Hope that helps some.

GS

[Christian]

Wow,..thanks guys. Keep it coming. Some really good points for me to think about.

I have brought up the idea to her (since she has put retrictions up based on jealosy {ill spell it right someday}) that, if I am present, what if I am attracted to her girlfriends, as I dont plan on that, but know it could be a possible scenario.

She says she is ok with that, and that that is something we could share between the both of us, but it would never be ok to act on that.

And, honestly I don't think I would want to as I dont think that is what would make me happy, but maybe I would "feel" better about it if I was given that choice. Who knows...

I have time to think about it, as we both agreed to "not until we are married" But, keep it coming. This is helpful.

Thank you.

[Christian]

Oh, and Ceoli, thank you for your response. Just to clarify, I was using the title of this thread to just get it read and answered. I do not equate bisexual to poly.

I didnt mean to make it sound like I am afraid of her bisexuality.

[Ceoli]

Oh, and Ceoli, thank you for your response. Just to clarify, I was using the title of this thread to just get it read and answered. I do not equate bisexual to poly.

I didnt mean to make it sound like I am afraid of her bisexuality.

That's cool. Thanks!

[LifesRogue]

great points all.
really helpful to everyone.

im bi and my hubby has always known that. my bf understands that i am as well and they both (shakes head laughingly) get a kick out of the fact they can point out other girls to me and ask my honest opinion from an attraction stand point.

my hubby is a great balance between male and female.
he is very masculine, but he is mentally and physically balanced in the way he lives life and understands things in this life.
its pretty cool.

my bf is very masculine, period, but with a very deep connection to the kinetic world which attracted me to him 11years ago, as i do not typically like masculine guys.
i do not actively search for a female in our relationship, i am just open to the fact that hubby might find a gf one day and we both understand that she has to fit with the two of us, not just him BECAUSE of my attraction to woman.

i do not find all woman sexually attractive or even look at most men and woman that way.
there are a rare few men OR woman in the world that i even look at as attractive, let alone go 'oh wow, they are really beautiful people'
and i look at ppl just like that: who they are over all.

for my bf tho, its fun to workout with him and chat about girls. i often will tell him: (dont judge for this, lol) 'she is a BL Babe, shes all yours' as in if he were to go for that particular chick, i would not fight him for her, as she would be a 'blameless lay' from my perspective for him lol.

[NeonKaos]

She made her point clear that it is only a sexual thing she wants. And would prefer me to be present (as in, in the room or house at the time, but not a threesome)

She also has stated that she would never want me to sexually participate with her girlfriends and admits it would be a jelousy factor,


She wants you to "be present" and watch but not "participate"?

Watching IS a form of participation.

I don't have the training to professionally psychoanalyze this, but it sounds like your girlfriend has issues with controlling others. It sounds like she needs to be in complete control of everything you do (at least when it comes to sex and/or "polyamory". It is not enough to say "Run along, I'm going to have sexy-fun-time with my girl-friend, see you at dinner", she needs to have you breathing the air in the same room at the same time as the lesbian-sex is happening BUT NO TOUCHING (and that would prob'ly include touching YOURSELF).

Pfeh.

[Christian]

Ygirl, I appreciate your insight.

I think you touched on what does make me feel a bit strange about it, but to be fair, she doesn't mind if I was to say masterbate to these events. But, yes..I would never be allowed to "join".

Is this something that could be done once and if I just felt like it wasnt a comfortable scenario for me, we could back out without damaging "our" relationship. Or do you guys think its a pandoras box?, that once open...well, im sure you know what that means.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hey Christian,
I think it's probably safe territory to explore - maybe even necessary. I think most people have at least a little bit of both exhibitionist and voyeur side to them and it would be good for all to find out just where that part sits for you both. She may just have a strong exhibitionist side (or fantasy) that needs exploring. But it may be something else. A power thing. Dominant tendencies ? She will control your place. (All you deep into the D/s thing can add more clarity if need be).
You should find this out- may as well do it now.

You'll also learn the equiv lessons about yourself. How much of a voyeur are YOU ? How important to you is it ? How comfortable are you with her being in control of your desires ?

All good stuff to know about ourselves and prospective partners :)

[Christian]

GroundedSpirit, thank you, good ideas to think about.

I think theoretically I am a voyeur. And so maybe that would be enough for me. I suppose a part of me is also afraid i would "like" it too much.

By that, I mean I would never want to "need" it later. Or want more. I have the ability to obsess over things. But, I also dont know if i want my fears to hold her back in something she obviously wants.

[NeonKaos]

Another thing is - even if it is "just sex", her theoretical partner (the other girl) is more than a piece of flesh. It would have to depend on how SHE feels about being watched, because what you have described is essentially a threesome. Even if you are not touching either one of them, if you are voyeuristic, watching, turned on, playing with yourself, and/or having an orgasm because of their sexy-fun-time, it WOULD be a THREESOME because there would be THREE people involved.

If that is all good with all three of you (you, Eve, and whoever the other girl would be), then RAWK! It's these little stipulations and minutiae that are supposed to cushion one person's insecurities at the expense of others that send up red flags for me.

But I don't really care since I'm not one of the people involved. You do whatever makes sense to you.

Hope you have a good one!

[redpepper]

I liked how you said that being mono is what makes you be your best in your first post. Something like that. Thankyou for that.

Thankyou ygirl for pointing out what was making me uncomfortable. Where is the third in all this?! Its a skewed dynamic you are talking about. It would be better to find a blow up doll. Its essentially a "unicorn" you are looking for. As I agree, this would be a threesome.
I would suggest girlfriend not involve you at all at first and see where it all goes. Its her thing after all and it bugs me that she is being rather bossy and selfish about it. I get that she is putting out their her needs, but why should you be around for that?

[Ceoli]

Thankyou ygirl for pointing out what was making me uncomfortable. Where is the third in all this?!

I was going to say something about that, but that's a bell I ring pretty often so I thought I'd take a break, lest too many eyes roll.

[Magdlyn]

Hi Christian,

I am fairly new to poly, and I am bisexual. So is my primary, who is a woman. We allow each other leeway to seek out lovers of any gender (M, F, trans, queer). It would never occur to me to ask her to be present w me and one of my lovers (all of whom presently are male), to look but not touch. I mean we are open to a 3way should it happen, but it's not a requirement.

Why does she "need" your presence when she's sexing someone else?

Wouldnt it be fun enough for her, just with this hypothetical lover, one on one?

On the surface, it looks like she loves you so much, she wants you there to enhance it, or it wouldnt be fun for her. But, otoh, I am getting a D/s vibe from that. Do you know much abt BDSM? It seems like it's a turn on to her to limit your participation to watching only. Could be a form of sexual torture.

Do you feel that power dynamic in your relationship presently at all?

And the "only after marriage" thing seems a bit unusual, fetishistic. Almost ritualistic.

[Christian]

Magdlyn, thank you for pointing out some other things. To answer your question, no i dont presently see much BDSM..but nor do i know a whole lot about it.

As for the requirement of me being there, i dont know why for sure, but she says it has alot to do with fidelity. As in, she feels its not "cheating" if I am there (as in at least at home)

Is this a form of "polyamory"? Or is this something else? Does anybody see this as a future train wreck or would this be a relatively safe thing to do?

By the way, thank you to everyone who has added to this conversation. :)

[NeonKaos]

The thing about D/s is that the submissive partner freely gives up control to the Dominant partner and gets "off" in the process of doing so. D/s is NOT about the D bullying or blackmailing the s into giving up control. Also, the D takes the responsibility of PLEASING the s within such a dynamic. Kinkiness is supposed to be FUN for everyone involved. It is NOT a healthy way to express a fundamental imbalance of power in a relationship, nor is it a way for the D to work out their issues with control or insecurity using other people as a therapeutic device.

If you are a Dominant or submissive type of personality in everyday situations and need to step outside yourself for a mental vacation, but your life-partner (or bf, gf, husband, wife, whatever) is JUST NOT INTO THAT (in other words, they are "vanilla"), there are people out there who do BDSM professionally for a fee. But this is NOT something that works if one person is into it and the other(s) are not.

[MonoVCPHG]

Is this a form of "polyamory"? Or is this something else? )

I'll go out on a limb and say "no" this is not poly. She said it was about sex and not about loving...Poly "amory":confused:

If it's all about sex it belongs somewhere else. Not a judgement, just recognizing that poly does have something to do with caring about the person you are with and not just fucking them. Although there is a wide interpretation of what "caring for them" means.

[Rarechild]

You're getting lots of good questions from the group but I have one thing to add-

If I were you,

I would work out these things waay before getting married.

Especially since you both seem to be so unsure of where your sexual lives are taking you, I'd think making sure you're sexually compatible beforehand is a must.

Ok, one more thing about marriage. When I got married, it certainly wasn't at the "ideal" time in my life, and I certainly didn't have everything worked out and prob never will, but something is sticking in my craw..

Your gf has never been with a man +
she is pushing you to marry +
once you are married, she will want to have sex with women again but not before +
she doesn't want you involved but wants you in the room, her husband, approving but not actively participating in her FF encounter
=?

Is it possible that she has chosen you, the first man she has slept with, to marry her so you can help her justify her sexuality to herself?

I could be way off,- I'm no good at math.
-R

[River]

Sheesh! .... I suppose what ultimately matters here is how good the relationship is regardless of these complications. That's what I'm not getting a sense of in the conversation, thus far, and so it makes it real hard to put the weirdness in perspective. How good are you with one another? Are you very much in love? Do you really, really love one another? Or is there a lot of drama and weirdness? Have you had solid, not-so-wierd-or-dramatic relationships? Has she? Do you guys really want to play out rather wierd power play games? And, yes, I know it can be lighthearted play-- but is it?

[LovingRadiance]

Um... DITTO River.

I had ALL those same questions. Look forward to an answer.

[HappiestManAlive]

First of all - answer or don't, but I'm curious. How old are you two? I'm guessing very early 20's if that, probably 17-20. NOT KNOCKING you in any way, whether I"m right or wrong. It's just that the issues and the questions seem... Inexperienced. It matters in that some advice will be different based on age and experience, and rightly so.

Getting away from that... I think my perspective is a very interesting blend of the two of you, lol. Most of my relationships have been with bi or (formerly) lesbian women. I have ZERO issue with them having girls on the side, be it "just a fuck" or a full-blown relationship or anything in between. Just doesn't phase me, no jealousy, nothing but "have fun sweety". :shrug: The fact that most of these girls were not onay with me having other girls made perfect sense to me - I was less than thrilled about them having other guys; girls weren't competition. So I get where she's coming from there, and Ceoli can chew me out for it, lol.

I have recently had to bend my brain around the idea that other men can be okay too. Not because it's come up in the relationship, but because Violet lets me have other women. And though it took a lot of convincing for me to decide it really was okay, since that's been acted on - more than once - I have to come to grips with the issue in my head; namely, if she DID decide she wanted another guy but wanted to keep me around, I feel that it should be okay, lest I be a hypocrite (worst sin possible in my book).

I know, I know - don't change who ou are, blah blah - but it matters to me A LOT. So - to relate this to the OP's situation...

Well, you're straight. She's bi. though ome here say that for a truly bisexual person there should be no difference, I disagree. Bisexuals get twice the theoretical action by default. And I do NOT believe that because they get to have a dedicated relationship with one gender while having involvement with the other as well, that they should "have to" allow a "straight" partner dalliences that they do not with whichever gender. Clear as mud, hope ya'll got it, lol.

On to other issues - of which there seem to be many. If she feels it's cheating despite your assurances, than she needs to not do it, lol. If she feels that you being physically involved is not okay because it's cheating, than she shouldn't be bringing you in to the situation. There are instances where this would "make sense" or "be okay" - but on a level of understanding each others needs, desires, and drives that I am decidecly NOT sensing is there with you two yet.

*sigh* I'm getting long. I'll try to clarify later, lol.

[LifesRogue]

Amen to that.

I can see several of these sides but I feel the exact same way about it as HappiestManAlive.

If I had not married my husband, I would not have had a male as a life partner but would still have been very much poly. I would have had a female main and probably a male second at different times in life.

What I found in my husband is what very well your woman could have found in you: her other half or that which makes her whole.

Being a bi woman, I look at people as an over all and there are very few ppl I find emotionally attractive enough to involved with (only personally ofcourse)

My experience is this:
male or female, if you find the person that makes u happy in life, it doesnt matter what gender. if they complete u (relationship speaking) and are a pillar to you in some form or fashion, then there is a connection that should not be judged.

I had not ever been with another man sexually before my husband either (had dated tho) but darn well did not use him to justify my sexuality. Im bi, not completely lesbian, why would I need to justify that to myself (If I were in this situation ofcourse) Its a wonderful balance that if you are in a loving relationship and understand eachothers needs, works even better because she is bi (imho of course) because of the fact that if you are both poly, she is probably going to seek relationship partners based on emotional and character, not gender.
*shrugs*