D/s and poly

[LovingRadiance]

Question:

New to this. I want some feedback please.

If you are a sub to your Dom significant other-how do you feel (and why) about them having other sub's?

[redpepper]

Oh my the things that are going on for you!

Um, I get very pocessive and jealous when my tersiary talks about doms he has met on Fet life or the SM events we go to. He says he has no time for anyone other than me and I am relieved, but I know he wants more than I give. There is still so much to do for us to be mutually satisfied with the arrangement. I get pocessive and jealous when men from my poly group talk about finding a Dom too. Why? I think because I really want to spend more time Domming! I really want to be their dom! Eventually I would like to develop several paying relationships that offer non-sexual services to men and women that require dominance in their lives.

I'm turning 40 next month and have asked for money so I can buy some supplies in an attempt to move in this direction. I have talked about it with Mono and he is acclimatizing himself to the idea slowly. The no sex thing helps, but he is a protective man and is slowly learning that I can take care of myself, although having him near by is a good idea I think at the beginning while I establish a rapport with people. I think my therapy background and my present job working with people with developmental disabilities will help me tremendously.

As for the sub thing? I have no feelings about it at all. I have been a sub before but more as an exploratory measure to learn what limits are and what things feel like. what better way than to feel them yourself.

[redpepper]

Mono just pointed out that I didn't really answer the question right... opps sorry. Got all exited there. :D That last line isn't really helpful.

[LovingRadiance]

Oh my the things that are going on for you!


Yeah-no shit huh? What a fucking long weekend. That's about all I can say right at this moment.

Um, I get very pocessive and jealous when my tersiary talks about doms he has met on Fet life or the SM events we go to. He says he has no time for anyone other than me and I am relieved, but I know he wants more than I give. There is still so much to do for us to be mutually satisfied with the arrangement. I get pocessive and jealous when men from my poly group talk about finding a Dom too. Why? I think because I really want to spend more time Domming! I really want to be their dom! Eventually I would like to develop several paying relationships that offer non-sexual services to men and women that require dominance in their lives.

And so your tertiary is sub to you then?

I'm turning 40 next month and have asked for money so I can buy some supplies in an attempt to move in this direction. I have talked about it with Mono and he is acclimatizing himself to the idea slowly. The no sex thing helps, but he is a protective man and is slowly learning that I can take care of myself, although having him near by is a good idea I think at the beginning while I establish a rapport with people. I think my therapy background and my present job working with people with developmental disabilities will help me tremendously.


Cool. Not something I want to do-but cool none-the-less.


As for the sub thing? I have no feelings about it at all. I have been a sub before but more as an exploratory measure to learn what limits are and what things feel like. what better way than to feel them yourself.

Lol-already read your NEXT post-so that made this line much funnier. ;)

[LovingRadiance]

Mono just pointed out that I didn't really answer the question right... opps sorry. Got all exited there. :D That last line isn't really helpful.

I see Mono didn't deign to answer himself either. :p

[redpepper]

Mono was curled up next to me on the couch when he said that. He just went home...

My tesiary is mostly sub to me... there is things he likes that I allow him to dominate me with, but I am not always keen. Mostly he likes to be completely controlled by short fiery women.... which I am.

Yes it's not for everyone and I certainly took a long time to get to this place. The more I get into it the more I desire to be completely worshiped and want to completely take care of people. I am not sure I am always into the pain part, but bondage, shoe worship, etc. I really enjoy!

[MonoVCPHG]

I see Mono didn't deign to answer himself either. :p

Actually, I enjoy both aspects with Redpepper; sub and dom with respect to bondage. I'm not much into inflicting pain on the woman I love....Denial yes! And I have also assisted her in domming her tertiary at a public event. At these I am definitely viewed as a sub as I wear a collar and leash which rarely leaves Redpepper's hand. I love the idea of being possessed and "owned" by her. I also love the idea that this concept pisses off our poly friends :). I'm hers, body and soul and I want everyone to know it. I am however a relatively strong sub in any event.....she is a very strong woman I must admit which makes our play lots of fun.

Seeing her dom her tertiary doesn't affect me much. I don't feel jealous over the s/m concept. I wouldn't want to watch her engage in sex acts with him though LOL!! He's a great guy and we all have fun together.

There...I said something ;)

[redpepper]

So before this totally goes off track, what's up dear LR? Why the question?

[maca]

So before this totally goes off track, what's up dear LR? Why the question?

***** THIS IS LR ON MACA'S COMPUTER**************

Good lord I need to go to bed!

Mono-I'll answer your post in the morning.

RP-what's up is that now that Maca has figured out he is poly-we're working on a boundary list that is more pertinent (previous list really only addressed me since I was the only one "with" someone else).
I RECENTLY "came out" as a sub to Maca and GG. I don't see it in quite the "lighthearted" way that is... mainstream so to speak. (also not really into pain per se).

I see it more from a ownership/slave view... so to give that much power to someone is a HUGE deal for me especially in light of how VERY much a control freak I am in all area's of my life.

So while coming up with our list Maca asked about the whole aspect of BDSM with others. In regards to the ACTIVITIES I couldn't give a DAMN who is or isn't involved with him in that way. BUT in regards to the depth of our D/s relationship... not so sure.

Anyway-I was curious for other perspectives so I could reason out my thoughts, feelings, impressions etc.

;)

[redpepper]

I'm somewhat surprised as the two of you seem to rule your roost together. It sounds like this is not in the bedroom kind of stuff so much as living day to day life. I would wonder how that would effect the kids? And your sense of self?

We have friends who completely live the life in this way. They have no kids living at home so it works quite well behind closed doors. When they are out in the world they are faced with much judgment and scorn. Day to day life is just not built that way.

Wow, LOL, I would soooo not be willing to allow someone to dominate my life in any way. I would be gone in two seconds. Having grown up in a household with a mum who was an old school feminist and my rather complicated astrological sign (among other things), you would see why.... if we all knew each other in real life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hard ass and certainly not ferocious, I just am very clear with people about restraining me in any way.

I would love to know how this would all work for you? How day to day life would be dealt with and what limitations to this practice would be be made. Perhaps a PM? I don't know how much you would want to say on here, or how appropriate it is to a "poly" forum.

[windmarkbob]

My wife brought this up to me last week, and we've discussed this in some detail. Our relationship, our marriage, is special, but the D/s is even more special to her and it is not something she wants shared. Me domming anyone else is more than she's willing to put up with, and that works out well since no one doms her but me. Acceptable boundary for both of us, and we both understand that if/when anything changes in our opinions, we'll air them, explain them, and go from there.

WeaselBob

[Magdlyn]

Question:

New to this. I want some feedback please.

If you are a sub to your Dom significant other-how do you feel (and why) about them having other sub's?

I am not an expert. Let's explore the different ways this could go.

Some subs and Doms have an understanding: "whatever Master wants." There is that much trust. Knowing your Mistress is domming someone else, to live up to her full potential, would be an act of pleasant service to some subs.

Esp poly subs.

I know some Doms won't let their subs have other partners, even when they can. I find that disturbing from a poly pov.

If a sub or Dom wanted another lover, and their nature is to dom or sub, I would wonder if that would enter into any other love relationship, whether you want it to or not.

[redpepper]

I haven't found any cross over from one relationship to the next. I can bring that side of me out when its appropriate. If a partner doesn't feel comfortable I would leave it alone.

[Magdlyn]

But some 24/7 lifestyle ppl can only relate as a Dom/sub or top/bottom. I dont know the case here.

[LovingRadiance]

RP-I will reply in pm. You are welcome to share with mono (or your hubby) if you see fit.
Though you may find it not as interesting as you imagine. :)
If I don't get to it tnoight-I'll try tomorrow.
Its been a hectic week!

[LovingRadiance]

For the board. ;)

I am a control freak by nature. I am very "dominating" in day to day life.
For example, I structure the finances (for the WHOLE family including bf) and pay ALL of the bills. I do the grocery shopping generally.
I take care of the kids, decide their rules, their consequences, their health issues, their educational needs, I homeschool them, I pick the curriculum etc.
I plan the family activities and when/where we go on vacation and all that stuff-though obviously the guys "chime in" it's generally up to me to do the arranging.

I am also big on feminism and equality-those speak clear enough for the most part. I wear what the hell I want, when the hell I want and I work when I want, where I want, how I want. I decide how my hair will be (couple years ago I went from having it all the way down my back to less than 1 inch long, now it's growing out again) and bathe when I see fit with whatever I see fit ETC.

That said...

I hate it.
I hate having to ALWAYS be responsible for EVERY detail in life.
During sex it's VERY difficult for me to finish if I have to be in control. I have to be able to relax and give up control in order to get there, BUT that's something I've really never had enough trust to do in most relationships.

There are other examples, but I won't elaborate unless there is still confusion on that part of it.

Anyway-a couple weeks ago I expressed to Maca (and GG) that it is my desire that they BE (not play) dom to my sub so that I CAN have time in my life where I don't have to be "in charge" or "on the job" so to speak.
SO for example-instead of expecting me to decide if today is a day to wear the black leather or the lacy white lingerie.... JUST give me instructions.

Emotionally for me this is a HUGE step in trust. Letting ANYONE much less a man be in charge of deciding anything for me is HUGE HUGE HUGE. Way more intense and intimidating and causing me to be way more vulnerable than them screwing someone else OR falling in love with someone else.

But-much of the understandings people have of BDSM don't factor in.

Physical violence isn't part of the agreement. It gives some people pleasure-the three of us-aren't those people.
Punishment as commonly understood also doesn't factor in. More of a understanding that there is no "misbehavior" option. Period.

What does factor in is more similar in context to "master slave" relationships in that there is this huge EMOTIONAL sense of control that is unspoken.

BUT-none of this is yet "clearly hammered out" because I only let them in on this whole topic recently. PLUS there was some drama with immature and uncontrolled "ooooh I get to be boss" behavior followed by "this is f'ing stupid" behavior that led to a complete emotional breakdown by me resulting in a huge clean up following.
THEN as anyone who reads the board can see there's been a SHITSTORM of other stuff piling up too.

Now to have it suggested that someone else could be in that role left me spinning.

Basically what I've come up with at this point is that I really don't care about the physical activities commonly pertinent to bdsm and the guys (one or the other) playing in those roles with someone else.
Be dominating over someone else to your pleasure-I don't care.

But I'm not ok with them HAVING another sub.....

does that differentiation make sense?

A friend of mine is a natural sub too-and she's pretty much responsive to ANYONE who is dominant around/to her. But she doesn't HAVE a dom... if for example she and Maca wanted to play out D/s things with or without sex-that's ok, but he can't take her on as HIS sub...

Ok-now I'm getting interrupted and confused. I'll try to catch up on reading, deal with someone coming over in a few minutes and try to get back on and say something else if I can be more clearheaded!!!!!!

[LovingRadiance]

Some subs and Doms have an understanding: "whatever Master wants." There is that much trust. Knowing your Mistress is domming someone else, to live up to her full potential, would be an act of pleasant service to some subs.

In this sense it is somewhat true that we have that understanding-but part of that being possible-is ONE thing the guys want is for me to keep the family life and home life, and kid life etc "running smooth like always" and we have already an understanding between us of things that DO NOT change or come into play ever, no matter what-so it CAN be that way.... it's not "free for all whatever you want" as your paragraph states, does that confusion of my words make ANY sense?


I know some Doms won't let their subs have other partners, even when they can. I find that disturbing from a poly pov.

Um-yeah that isn't an issue really. I have Maca and GG and the situation (talk about a poly bdsm situation here that I've never heard of) is that THEY are my joint Dom. I have no interest in another lover-and having another lover isn't agreeable to our poly-agreement anyway as we have a limit of two total per person, so I have my limit already.


If a sub or Dom wanted another lover, and their nature is to dom or sub, I would wonder if that would enter into any other love relationship, whether you want it to or not.

Again-doesn't really pertain exactly. The answer is I am sub to both-and have no other lovers. BUT my issue wasn't "nature" of behavior. It was taking on an agreed "claim".

They are currently designing a "collar" for me that has two parts. One collar is gold-and can be worn alone. One is silver and can be worn alone. Worn together they connect and become one. The designs on each meld together to make an all together different design that is poly in nature...
That allows me "on a date with GG" to wear only the one pertinent to HIM, when "on a date" with Maca" to wear only the one pertinent to HIM and when it's all three of us (much more common) to wear them together.

Geez-the more I write the more confusing it sounds! You all are going to have me committed soon!!

[redpepper]

I'm largely confused at this point....

kind of feel like I just got off the tilt-a-whirl and am trying to get my balance back.

I wonder if a re-shuffle of household responsibilities are in order rather than becoming a sub.... maybe doing that first?

I am not seeing it as viable to be completely submissive if you are "the boss" of so many other areas of your life. Perhaps dividing responsibilities up more will create more balance and therefore more balance in the bedroom?

It did for me a couple of years ago.
I was the boss of everything. I had a baby back then and would bark out my orders to anyone who would listen and do as they were told.... extreme! I hated being a new mother, never took to the baby thing and was very resentful. That is the reason I only have one child. :o That gradually seeped into the bedroom. I just would lie back and take it in order to get off... after having other fun that is. Now there is a balance in everything in my life and I find that I can allow myself to be bossy and get off... if that makes sense? I am learning that I LOVE IT! there is nothing I love more than pinning my lover down, strapping them down and fucking the shit out of them until climax, mmmmmm mmmmmmm that is getting me going!:D:eek:

I'm using the term "boss" in a playful way here as in our house we use it that way... kind of "reclaiming" that word (that was a joke for Mono.... heh.:cool:).

[Magdlyn]

OK so we've veered off the OP to the real issue? Youre tired of Domming and want to sub for a while?

Hm.

Do you really, or do you just need to delegate more housework to your subs? Do they really have it in them to be the Doms after being subs for so long? how would that all play out, do you think?

The other q related to the OP seems to be, how would you feel if one of your partners collared a slave? You dont mind if they "play" BDSM games w another lover, but would feel threatened if they wanted a more formal relationship w a sub?

Just how capable do they seem of switching?

[LovingRadiance]

I'm largely confused at this point....

kind of feel like I just got off the tilt-a-whirl and am trying to get my balance back.

RP-sometimes I think I'm in love with your online self. Seriously-you so often SAY what I am thinking it's kind of like listening to myself talk!!!!
I feel that way right now already-but when I was trying to write and then read it-I was like "WOW that IS a freaking tilt-a-whirl!


I wonder if a re-shuffle of household responsibilities are in order rather than becoming a sub.... maybe doing that first?

That's already been done-I was trying to give you guys an example of my personality vs my responsibilities-admittedly didn't do a great job. I don't remember currently (and don't know how to flip between pages) if I mentioned that with all that is going on I am having serious issues with my anxiety levels-which is a major component of my ADD. It also causes me to have difficulty wording things, taking what's in my mind and transferring it to words and language that is coherent.


I am not seeing it as viable to be completely submissive if you are "the boss" of so many other areas of your life. Perhaps dividing responsibilities up more will create more balance and therefore more balance in the bedroom?

It's not a "completely submissive" thing in one sense and it's not really "bedroom related per se either". I need to work on figuring out how exactly to explain it.

One thing that complicates-is that Maca (and GG) have NEVER participated in ANYTHING to do with D/s at all in their lives and are very uneducated on the topic. So it's a gradual thing-because without understanding completely that a D's purpose is to Find and figure out the "unspoken needs" of the s, then they have to CREATE the "environment" that will "allow" those needs to be fulfilled without the s having responsibility for them.... they can't appropriately be a Dom.

So without them being fully aware yet-there is much that hasn't been done/addressed/agreed to/incorporated.

It did for me a couple of years ago.
I was the boss of everything. I had a baby back then and would bark out my orders to anyone who would listen and do as they were told.... extreme! I hated being a new mother, never took to the baby thing and was very resentful. That is the reason I only have one child. That gradually seeped into the bedroom. I just would lie back and take it in order to get off... after having other fun that is. Now there is a balance in everything in my life and I find that I can allow myself to be bossy and get off... if that makes sense? I am learning that I LOVE IT! there is nothing I love more than pinning my lover down, strapping them down and fucking the shit out of them until climax, mmmmmm mmmmmmm that is getting me going!


Not really pertinent to this situation-but sexy visual anyway. :)

I gotta run-again. Going for my walk. I'll come back this afternoon to catch up on all my messages and the million and one questions I'm causing all of you patient posters to have in trying to help me. :)

[MonoVCPHG]

I am learning that I LOVE IT! there is nothing I love more than pinning my lover down, strapping them down and fucking the shit out of them until climax, mmmmmm mmmmmmm that is getting me going!:D:eek:.

Damn those guys must be lucky!!...oh wait now...I'm one of them...WOOHOOO!!!:D

I'm the boss ;)

[Ceoli]

LR, if you're not already, you may want to join Fetlife. It's a neat site for BDSM and has a great supportive community of discussion boards that deal with poly and kink, D/s dynamics and even more. You might find it helpful and informative as you explore this.

www.fetlife.com

[LovingRadiance]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK so we've veered off the OP to the real issue? Youre tired of Domming and want to sub for a while?
Hm.

No. They would neither ever fit the definition of "sub" in anyway. I was a single mom (had my daughter at 16) so though I am naturally a sub, I was forced to be in charge. After Maca and I married-he worked out of town a lot and generally "left it all to me" so to speak, so nothing functionally changed in my life except having a more regular sex partner.

Do you really, or do you just need to delegate more housework to your subs?

No. I don't DO all of the work (housework or otherwise) I am required to THINK of everthing, create and design the "plan" for how things go-and primarily this has been becuase I'm the only adult whose HERE. It's always been me and the kids with no adults available.

Do they really have it in them to be the Doms after being subs for so long? how would that all play out, do you think?

Not really pertinent-as I said they weren't subs, they weren't HERE. (not yelling-just emphasizing for context. ;)

The other q related to the OP seems to be, how would you feel if one of your partners collared a slave?

Fucking pissed off-which is how this came up. Maca brought up having another sub.

I just let them know that was what I wanted and needed. I shared about how hard it was to even ADMIT that when everyone in my life see's me as being "so in control" all of the time (because I HAD to be) and I've always been afraid that if I wasn't the "strong and in charge one" that they would see me as a failure.

I was VERY bent about "failing" everyone by getting pregnant as a teen and wanted to prove I wouldn't "screw up" my daughter because of it. For 18 years I always lived my life by the principal of "it's all for her, when she's grown I can be me again."

I really didn't GET how significantly that invaded me to my soul until she turned 18 and all of these things that I'd been holding inside of me started coming up and out. This is one of them.

I haven't even got it all clarified and Maca brings up someone else (not a particular person) and I found myself filled with fury. I mean FILLED. I felt like I shared this whole significant true and major part of me-and he took it as no more significant than a game. I finally let someone IN to my inner soul and they went "oh neat, that might be fun to play with who else has one?"

Fucking PISSED.

You dont mind if they "play" BDSM games w another lover, but would feel threatened if they wanted a more formal relationship w a sub?

YES. YES. YES. YES.

As someone else said-getting married, saying "I do" was huge for me as I never wanted to get married. In doing so I was giving up SO MUCH and handing it to Maca. But somehow I don't think he grasped that at all. To him it was about being lovers and raising kids, sharing finances. For me it was about giving up control and freedom and independence, which were a BIG BIG deal to me.
But acknowledging my willingness and desire to be sub. Was EVEN MORE than that.....And I just don't know how to word it. But it feels like if he's so readily willing to take on another "formal sub" to use your wording-then it's almost desecrating the significance of my actions.

Does that make ANY more sense?


Just how capable do they seem of switching?

Being Dom to my sub is easy for them actually. They each do different parts better, but they are both very good at it AND interestingly work well together even when they don't realize they are doing it.

[LovingRadiance]

LR, if you're not already, you may want to join Fetlife. It's a neat site for BDSM and has a great supportive community of discussion boards that deal with poly and kink, D/s dynamics and even more. You might find it helpful and informative as you explore this.

www.fetlife.com

I had thought about it-just hadn't done it as I keep finding myself not keeping up with things online. But that may be a good idea Ceoli.
Funny-I was just saying earlier this morning-I know Ceoli has good suggestions-hope she eventually chimes in on this thread. :)
Thanks.

[Ceoli]

<BLUSH>! Awww...thanks!

Anyway, I do have some other thoughts but have been a bit pre-occupied with life crap at the moment and want to make sure those thoughts are well simmered before I serve them. But honestly, while it certainly seems that there are strong forces shifting things in your life, you are doing a great job of keeping your compass and knowing yourself as you experience them.

[LovingRadiance]

<BLUSH>! Awww...thanks!

Anyway, I do have some other thoughts but have been a bit pre-occupied with life crap at the moment and want to make sure those thoughts are well simmered before I serve them. But honestly, while it certainly seems that there are strong forces shifting things in your life, you are doing a great job of keeping your compass and knowing yourself as you experience them.

Thank you Ceoli. :D

I hope that your life crap settles too!

I'll keep my eyes out for when you decide to write your well simmered thoughts!

I'll have an update tomorrow-maybe a new thread. Because we made some major progress that was a culmination of the varied topics we were struggling with this weekend.

;)

I didn't doubt we COULD do it-just knew I had to keep myself on task-and sometimes since real life doesn't pause-that can be tough!

:)

[maca]

Just to clarify. I dont have any prospects for a GF let alone another sub. In going through a book about defining boundries one of the questions that was asked is " whats your perfect idea of relationships for you?"

I answered " to have a wife and a GF both sub to my dom".I would never claim another sub without acceptance of it wholly from LR. She is my wife first and formost.

D/s is not somthing I require its a desire, an intrest. A loving relationship with LR is a requirement.:rolleyes:

Maca

[Joreth]

The following will not work for everyone. It takes an incredible amount of security in oneself and in one's relationship for this method to work and it is just not to everyone's taste. But you asked how we would deal, so I'm answering how I would deal.

Personally, I don't sweat anything my partners do with other partners so long as it doesn't negatively impact my life. In other words, if they don't bring home an STD or a destructive OSO, whatever makes them happy makes me happy.

1) The reason I can do this is because I do not attach my sense of specialness onto actions or activities. My relationship with Tacit or Datan0de is not special because they do X with me. My relationships with Tacit and Datan0de are special because they are with Tacit and Datan0de.

There is nobody else anywhere in the world exactly like me, so Tacit and Datan0de can do the same things with other people and still have a completely unique experience with that person that does not change in anyway their experiences with me.

Sex with them is still special because our relationship is special simply for being a relationship with unique individuals.

BDSM with them is still special because our relationship is special simply for being in a relationship with unique individuals.

They can top someone, dominate someone, sub to someone, use toys on them, take them to the same restaurants, dance with them, watch the same movies with them, anything they do with that person will be a DIFFERENT experience than doing that same activity with me.

2) Because I love them, I want their happiness above any other feeling for them. If they are happy doing something with another person, and that something isn't actively destructive to either of us, then I am happy for them. I take a great deal of pleasure and joy in their happiness. I am absolutely delighted every time Datan0de tells me of his latest wrestling match with his wife, even though resistance play is one of my HUGE kinks (and a serious issue of trust for me) because I know how much he loves and adores his wife, and their continued healthy relationship makes me happy. I love hearing about Tacit's adventures at public play parties even though a lack of a partner to play with in public has been an ongoing issue for me because I know how much he loves what he does and his continued healthy relationships make me happy.

These are separate issues. My interest in resistance play has nothing at all to do with Datan0de having a resistance scene with someone else. That's a totally unique experience with someone who is different from me. My interest in scening in public is not related to Tacit's public scenes. That's a totally unique experience with people who are different from me. It does not reflect upon the specialness of those times when they each scene with me. Having ongoing relationships with other women where these elements that are important to my relationship with the guys are also important elements in their relationships with other women does not reflect or change the fact that they are *still* important elements with me. Back to point #1, their scenes with other women are DIFFERENT than their scenes with me and their relationships with other women are DIFFERENT than their relationships with me, because I am a different person from those other women. The energy is different, the outcome is different, the details are different, and both my guys see us as different, individual, unique women, whom they happen to love.

3) Doing things with other people is an opportunity for my sweeties to learn something new that can be brought back home to me. They could learn a new technique, or they could learn something about themselves and grow as people. This only enhances my relationship with each of them. Why would I possibly want to turn down an opportunity to make my relationship better simply because the catalyst would come from someone other than me?

I recommend reading the following articles:

http://tacit.livejournal.com/148633.html - Some Thoughts On Being Special
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolypiano.html - How To Become A Secure Person
http://tacit.livejournal.com/241568.html - But What If He Compares Me To Somebody Else?
http://tacit.livejournal.com/249011.html - Some Evolving Thoughts On Veto

[LovingRadiance]

Joreth-
The funny thing is-that's how I am ALL THE TIME. In fact it's something that has driven Maca crazy-because I'm SO much like that he sometimes feels like I don't care about our stuff-because I'm not possessive about him doing/saying/being in any situation with anyone else.

I honestly think-after more time to digest-that my reaction was more due to the fact that our life has been in a huge upheaval these last few weeks and I was needing to "land" so to speak before talking about jumping out of another plane.

Because really-it wouldn't matter what he did/said or with whom-I adore him and I'll never leave.

It's RARE that I have a moment when I just NEED to be taken care of. But right now is one. I'm having a serious medical problem (not new-just flared up again) that is going to require more hospital time, we just came out poly 2 months ago, I finally confessed about my Sub feelings for the first time in my life, he had his "night with someone else" first time in our marriage (arranged by me), my Godkids mom up and took off leaving us to clean up the mess, a friend is in crisis and needs help with her child and is moving in, we startd counseling and he realized he has to do his own counseling for his issues with his mom, another very close young friend "came out" gay and needs some emotional support, etc ALL in the last two months.

I sort of feel like OMG WHY did I say anything??? Because it sort of feels like telling him I was poly started this whole drama. I KNOW that isn't true-but life was pretty calm before I told him and then ALL of the rest of this plus holidays comes out.
WHEW.

Anyway-we agreed that right now we BOTH need some time to just catch our breaths and then we'll talk more and that alone was enough for me to say (to myself) "what do I REALLY care?" and the answer was "really it just doesn't matter".

BUT it also helped A LOT to hear all the feedback because all the questions and confusion helped me to "study" my feelings to the base to figure myself out.

[nalena]

Oh Man, and me being I think the friend who is in crisis, and being as needy as I have been the last few weeks, it is a wonder that you are still being able to survive with all that going on. Jsut remember you are in my thoughts always

[Erosa]

Question:

New to this. I want some feedback please.

If you are a sub to your Dom significant other-how do you feel (and why) about them having other sub's?

Interestingly enough, this was the first concept of Poly I was able to understand; One central dominant figure with a 'harem' of submissives who were sexually active with the dominant but not with each other unless upon the Dom's permission.

Personally, as a 'rogue' I can't speak to your dellema because I am looking at it from the fence.

With Dom/Sub, trust is imperative though. I guess that if you don't trust them enough to let them have other subs, you don't trust them enough to submit to them. 0_0 So... this seems to be a bit self limiting.

[LovingRadiance]

Oh Man, and me being I think the friend who is in crisis, and being as needy as I have been the last few weeks, it is a wonder that you are still being able to survive with all that going on. Jsut remember you are in my thoughts always

Sweetie-I'll be fine. EVERY person deserves and needs a safe haven, you are no exception. ;)

Sometimes I just need to type things out to get perspective for myself. This is a GREAT place for me-because I really respect the minds of the people who are talking back!

[maca]

Nale we are and will be fine. Things are comming along fine for us. LR and I have been working out the D/s boundries and desires. LR ,GG, and I have established our Boundry lists for the relationship and have come to some understandings of each others feelings and needs.

Things have a way of bouncing back around our family:)

Peace and Love
Maca

[vampiresscammy]

Question:

New to this. I want some feedback please.

If you are a sub to your Dom significant other-how do you feel (and why) about them having other sub's?

for me personally, I would not mind him having a "toy","plaything", or simply put a sex slave if there were no shared emotions.

I would NOT be okay with him having another sub in the way I am with feelings involved, cause well frankly to me its even more (can't think of the word, but) emotionally bonding/soul sharing to be his sub than his wife. don't get me wrong being my primarys wife means the world to me. however being Master's pet is somethign very personal, private, and intimate we've only shared with each other. the best way i can explain it is, i've given him a part of me that WANTS to be owned, needs it, craves it, to be free of making decisions, to simply be and feel and respond to whatever he commands. it would be more of a hurt for him to get emotionally attached or fall in love with another sub than just another woman he was seeing without the D/s involved.

sharing him sexual does not make me feel like i'm loosing something, nor does the idea of sharing him emotionally. but sharing that side of him (the D/s side)and all the emotions that CAN go along with it? makes me want to cry simply thinking about it. he says so far he is not interested in another sub. i would not mind as long as it were purely physical. we shall see. perhaps when he finds the right woman to bring into our lifes, i may change my mind, for now, thats one part of him i'll not be sharing. he's never shared me as a sub either since we moved past playing and letting it be a real part of us.

then, on the flip side, my hubby of heart when we play likes me to be the Domme. and I don't mind at all when he plays with others. this could be more simply my understanding that we can't realistically be all for each other what with the distance seperating us. not to mention, i was the one whom was already married when we met, so it definitely made me feel i had little right to make demands of him i couldn't agree to if he made them of me. or it could just be that i am not too comfy in my Domme skin and kinda enjoy that he can go elsewhere to get it when i am not in that headspace.