Im poly dating a mono.. Hmmm help?

[Nzlovergirl]

Ok, so, my husband and I have been in a poly relationship for at least the last two years. He has a wonderful girlfriend and I have recently started seeing a guy.

I realised very early on that I have very strong feelings for this man, and him for me and I let him know how i felt.
Now to be clear: he has known me for 2+ years as his employee. He knows im married ,he has met my husband (a couple of years ago). I made it clear that my husband and I have a very firm, stable and poly relationship. I dont like to lable things but if I had to, my husband is my primary partner. I would say this because I live with him, we pool our finances, and we have a mortgage together.

Now, my problem is this: my boyfriend is trying to come to terms with the fact that he has to share me. I am well aware that he feels that he is monogamous. he knows I am not, and we try to understand this about eachother.

I love him and I continue to feel new wonderous feelings for him with each passing day which I share with him as much as possible. But he gets very jealous at the idea that I have a husband. He says:
The guy? Hes great! under different circumstance we could be friends. We have similar interests. But the husband? I hate him and he is the enemy.

I almost cried when he told me this last night. I dont expect them to be bestest buddies, but I had hoped that they could meet and get to know eachother. So that my boyf can understand that I love my husband very much and yet, I love him too.

He said to me last night: Im concerned about you driving home tonight, after all this talking (it was 2am). How about you stay here tonight and go home in the morning?

I said no. That would upset my husband as he has not seen me since friday. I will go home.

He then went on to say that he did not understand how I can say I love him and need him in my life and yet walk out the door. I tried to explain its because I love my husband and I dont want to hurt him.

My boyf also made comments asking me whether I wanted him to have 'half' a relationship. While I udnerstand where he is coming from, we have only been dating for four months or so. We are in the early stages. We're not at the stage, i dont feel, where I would consider spending all week with him, nor moving in together.. We're just not there yet! so even if I could, i dont feel ready for that..

Half a relationship? Does anyone else understand this? perhaps you can word it a bit more appropriately for me as I dont feel i fully understand it...

I think im just looking for some advice from poly's dating monos.. or even some mono's out there.. IYKWIM :o

EDITED to say: Oh, and I am in more of a polyfidelitous relationship and am not looking to change this any time soon.. :)

[Rarechild]

There is something very sweet and vulnerable about your post. You seem to be trying to take it all in stride and I applaud you for your wish to understand these people in your life.

I think it's safe to say that anyone when first dealing with the concepts of poly, has a hard time rearranging their thought pattens , because it goes against what most of us have been taught.

I think most people are more comfortable with extra-marital affairs than they are with polyamory because with a secret affair, there is that ownership, to share your own universe- feel like you're the only one if even for a few hours at an opportune time.

Oh, look! I've made it about me now. :)

I don't have much experience but I've lived a few years, and the adjustment is just a difficult one- life-changing, in fact. A catalyst for all of your fears and social programming. Give it time. It seems you are willing to ride out the curve and teach through your actions.

-R

[Nzlovergirl]

thank you for your reply Rarechild.. :)

I guess I am really trying to be patient, and help him learn about how I love others and that he is one that has grabbed a piece of my heart..

I am comitted to working through it with him and also my husband. Im jsut lost as he doesnt understand alot of what i say in terms of how i can love him and my hubby.. I think he is rather possessive and wants me to himself, but knows that this cannot be. Hence, the half a relationship comment??

[nikkiana]

This sort of situation is always difficult and heartwrenching. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through it right now.

I think the key question I'd be asking your boyfriend right now is "Are you willing to take ownership and work through your jealousy?" If the answer is yes, it's possible to work through these things and have things be successful. It'll take work, but it's possible. If the answer is no, it's probably best to say "I'm sorry, this isn't going to work" and move on.

How much would you say your boyfriend knows about polyamory as a subject in general? Has he done any reading on the subject or is what he knows based solely on what you've told him? I think a good step may be to try to encourage him to do some research on his own about polyamory and say that you're available if he has questions.

[Nzlovergirl]

He is trying to work through his jealousys on his own and I know that he is in a state of denial over it all. In terms of his knowledge? He refuses to read anything on the topic.

I was talking to him last night and he said that its hard because normally you have an idea of what to do at certain milestones and situations because in society its ingrained or you can simply ask a friend or family member for help. For him, he says, he never knows to ask until the situation comes up.

He says that right now its a glass half full situation and he is willing to just take it one day at a time..

[MonoVCPHG]

If your boyfriend does not respect your husband....leave him. Based on what he has said I don't see him coming to grips with sharing you with anyone. He is mono wanting a mono girlfriend. He will probably push more and more.

I saw one of Redepepper's ex Lover's less than respectful interaction with her husband and it drove me insane. I couldn't understand why she would give so much of herself to someone who didn't respect him as much as I did. I realize this was my perception of it but regardless it hurt me.



I'm not Redpepper's husband...I'm the boyfriend and this kind of situation pushes buttons in me that I can't fully explain....other than saying I want to shake people and tell them to show thier spouses the respect they deserve and dump anyone who speaks disrespectful of them. I'm tired of hearing "but my heart wants this"...show some respect, imagine how you would feel if you were the spouse being spoken of this way and be an adult. Set boundries, accept reality, and explain it to your other partners...if they can't handle it, move on.

If I ever show disrespect towards Redpepper's husband I hope someone steps in and gives me the ass kicking I deserve..before she dumps me. This fucking annoys me.

[MonoVCPHG]

Half a relationship? Does anyone else understand this? perhaps you can word it a bit more appropriately for me as I dont feel i fully understand it...

:)

Half a relationship - Here's my take on a person entering an established marriage, especially one involving a married person.

If the "additional" person has not experienced things like marriage, having kids, buying a house, family events, holidays and whatever with their own partner/family then they will feel as though they are missing something. Why? Because they won't get to experience all these things to the same extent as they would in a traditional relationship. It will be different.

The best mono to enter a poly relationship is one who has experienced a fair bit of life and who respects everyone in the dynamic. Someone who hasn't gotten to experience all the things associated with a traditional mongamous relationship will probably wonder what it would be like. There is a difference...I come from a long term traditional relationship, bought all the stuff usually associated with success, raised a child to the teen years and then entered a polyfidelous relationship.

[redpepper]

I would have to agree with Mono... although I am probably a little less passionate about it :D (love that you are so protective babes!)

It is a bit of a red flag if he won't do some of his own digging on what poly is and has the attitude he has... it sounds like he is not getting his needs met by the whole 1/2 relationship comment and instead of negotiating with you and your husband is being a little boy and demanding he get more.

I know how much time it takes to have more than one relationship! There is no time for anyone to be demanding and childish. If they can't deal with it properly then I would have to agree, it's time to say goodbye and find someone who is respectful to you and your husbands needs and is willing to negotiate. Of course if you put this to him, he may rise to the occasion and change his ways.... especially if you talk about moving on.

It sounds a little bit like he is giving you an ultimatum... him or your husband. Perhaps he hasn't bothered finding out about poly because he thought by now you would want to leave your husband for him...?

Too bad he won't come on here.... Mono has written a lot on this topic and would certainly express his some hard earned wisdom!

[Nzlovergirl]

I know I posted him a link to one of Mono's writings and he did read it.. I feel that perhaps he has blinkers on to be honest.

In terms of disrespect: he does not disrespect my husband. He jsut does not talk about him and when i do, he listens and says nothing.

He is not pushing me to leave as he knows that I am deeply committed to my husband but I will not just give up on this man over a few problems. It took me six months originally to get used to and lose my socially constructed monogamous veiws to become the many loving woman I am today.

So, telling me to leave him is not the way to go peoples :) Though I understand you are passionate about it, the way your relationship is working and your ability to feel compersion? Is not where my bf is at just yet. This is new to him. He is only 26 and this is his first relationship (serious).

He says he is willing to work through it. I have mentioned that it is starting to frustrate me, and he is slowly realising why, but I know that these things take time.

So i thank you for your views mono :) Please, think a little more outside the box for me though as I refuse to give up as I will not lose another love this year!! (if i do? its number three... :confused: )

[MonoVCPHG]

In terms of disrespect: he does not disrespect my husband. He jsut does not talk about him and when i do, he listens and says nothing.)

Sorry but I was going off your previous statement which said "But the husband? I hate him and he is the enemy"

To me that is disrespect of the highest order. I'm sorry if this is not what he actually said. He is young and this is his first serious relationship and it's poly? I'm sorry again, but I see a lot of warnings here. Even if he manages to get over his internal issues he'll have to deal with a lot of external ones related to peer pressure and disaproval.

You're in a tuff spot but I wish you well.

[redpepper]

Sorry my friend, but it just doesn't seem to be in your best interest to stay. He doesn't seem all that into you for the long haul. I am not so sure that a poly relationship can be considered a long term serious relationship when its ones first. I would think at his age and stage, being monogamous that he would do better to find a mono woman.

Yup, I think you better start protecting your heart and think about what you will do if he leaves, because it sounds like he is thinking theses things.

Sorry you don't want to hear this and it isn't the answers you want, but I see no other option for either of you :(

[NeonKaos]

He doesn't seem all that into you for the long haul. I am not so sure that a poly relationship can be considered a long term serious relationship when its ones first. I would think at his age and stage, being monogamous that he would do better to find a mono woman.


This is the fundamental reason (what Mono said about it too) that things didn't go anywhere with my Other Guy from my first post on this forum.

He has never been in a "serious" relationship before, where he could bring someone home to his family for the holidays, etc. And he wants kids, which I would not be prepared to do even if I WEREN'T married to someone else. He saw a poly relationship as having "no future" - none for HIM that is, according to the life-script he felt compelled to follow.

[Riunin]

On the half a realashionship comment I think I may be able to clarifly as I'm in a similar situation, albeit less complicated as its onlly the two of us talking about my girlfriend taking another partner. He is Mono and only seeing you. In his mind you are the only person he needs, you are on the level of family, probably higher even. He probably sees you caring about him on the same level you care about someone else as cheating, worse because there is sex involved. For mono people like myself partner or lover is one of the highest levels of realashionship and it is reserved for oly one person you care about above all else, at least in such a way. He sees himself as only being able to be half of what you need to be happy. He sees your husband as being what he cant be to you. It's painful and hard to explain but thats my attempt. I hope its helpful to you.

If it doesn't make sense I apologize, I'm nit good at articulating myself, worse still at explaining emotions

[redpepper]

On the half a realashionship comment I think I may be able to clarifly as I'm in a similar situation, albeit less complicated as its onlly the two of us talking about my girlfriend taking another partner. He is Mono and only seeing you. In his mind you are the only person he needs, you are on the level of family, probably higher even. He probably sees you caring about him on the same level you care about someone else as cheating, worse because there is sex involved. For mono people like myself partner or lover is one of the highest levels of realashionship and it is reserved for oly one person you care about above all else, at least in such a way. He sees himself as only being able to be half of what you need to be happy. He sees your husband as being what he cant be to you. It's painful and hard to explain but thats my attempt. I hope its helpful to you.

If it doesn't make sense I apologize, I'm nit good at articulating myself, worse still at explaining emotions

very well said and a good point! Mono has talked about this before to me and while I don't live it, I get it.

[Nzlovergirl]

Ok, well ive talked to him and first off he would like to say: thanks for the support (or lack there of...) as he does not feel that many have actually said: hey, it can work.

to quote him from an email about this:

Yes, I do not want to meet him (at this time), have a relationship with him (at this time) and will not frequently bring him up in conversation with you. BUT I HAVE NO PROBLEM TALKING ABOUT HIM WITH YOU (sorry for yelling, but I am both worked up and feel like I have been trying to say that for weeks now and apparently you still haven’t heard me). Yes, I might get quiet at times (I just don’t have anything to say, but it is not because I am uncomfortable), but in all honesty I quite like hearing about what you and him get up to as he is an important part of your life

In a way, I know part of the emotion in me is the fact these people are somewhat right… if I didn’t see a future for us (the three of us), then I would have to agree with them and move on out. But I do! I don’t know exactly what it looks like and when I try to pin it down right now I can’t see how it could work for all of us (hey, common, let’s remember we are only 3+ months into this, plenty can change and I hope it does). I know that I am immature when it comes to relationships, I can’t say whether it would be any easier in a Mono relationship (maybe harder because it would be easier just to move on because we don’t want to work through our concerns)

As for the half a relationship, he makes a good point. I have always thought about those things in my life, but let’s be honest, if they meant that much to me, I would have been doing much more, much sooner and I wouldn’t be here with you!

Lastly (I am sorry for ranting on here), the one that really sticks in my back is the comment about how I am apparently giving you an ultimatum!?!?! I won’t lie, it has crossed my mind, but I know that is not what I want anyway (for MANY MANY reasons)! When have I ever demanded to have more?!?! Yes, I may ask and when you say no, I know it is for good reason.

Yea, so Im not ready to just let him go just yet ;)

[redpepper]

sounds like you got it figured :) good luck.

[Legion]

I understand it is hard for your b/f to come to terms with the situation. I was talking about cowgirls/cowboys today w/ my lover, Bee.

COWBOY: Colloquial A monogamous man who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous woman with the intention of separating her from any other partners and bringing her into a monogamous relationship.

The thing is, being poly puts you in this minority... at least where I live. And anyone who finds out you're poly, if they are attracted to you, it makes you even more attractive. But sometimes as illustrated by rolypoly here (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1111), not exactly the way you want.

But that's the paradigms butting heads. The mono is trying to make sense of the poly in mono terms. The poly doing the vice vs. That's how a lot of people get beat up on these forums (like your b/f)... also because there's a lot of support here. We see the jealousy, the possessiveness, the insecurity and we think "aw damn girl, you don't need that!"

We're all humans, we all have faults and most of us are trying to do our best to do right by the people we meet and develop caring and trust for. Your b/f might want to change, or he might like himself just the way he is. The big concern I have is that statement you made about him seeing your husband as the enemy whom he hates. Your husband has the decency to knowingly, metaphorically, let a man walk into his house to enjoy the company of his wife and that man sees him as an enemy to be hated?

[MonoVCPHG]

The big concern I have is that statement you made about him seeing your husband as the enemy whom he hates. Your husband has the decency to knowingly, metaphorically, let a man walk into his house to enjoy the company of his wife and that man sees him as an enemy to be hated?

That was the big warning bell for me too. It's hard to take that kind of statement back.

[redpepper]

yup, I think she's done Legion... we have been over it.... don't get me wrong, I totally agree, but she thinks he is worth sticking with and that is the end of it for her. She came here hoping for someone to tell her that they thought there is good news. There was next to none given and that seemed to piss her off. Time will tell and that is that. I am sure we won't hear about it if it doesn't work out and will perhaps get it rubbed in our face if it does.

I am refreshed that you, Legion, see the value in being pushed to look at thinks differently by those on this forum. That to me is what it is all about, we don't know each other from Adam, so what does it really matter other than we can take others opinions in and use them to educate ourselves... that is certainly what I have gained!

[JonnyAce]

That to me is what it is all about, we don't know each other from Adam, so what does it really matter other than we can take others opinions in and use them to educate ourselves... that is certainly what I have gained!

that's exactly what i've gained from this forum, and i'm very grateful to see all the different opinions here, whether i agree w/them, or not, it makes me think, and reflect. *Group Hug* :)

[Nzlovergirl]

No, see its not that it pissed me off at all. I was just surprised at how vehemently everyone was that there was absolutely no way a person can come to understand and integrate poly ideas into thier life.

I dont want him to change and he has said he doesnt want me to do that either. But i know for a fact that although a person can always feel a pull towards the poly lifestyle and then feel that they have been this way their whole lives, this person can still have a period of adjustment while they get their head around having to undo 25+ years of social conditioning.

When my husband first wanted to explore the poly lifestyle I ended up having a breakdown. I didnt understand what it meant for us. CRIKEY we had only been married a year and here he was (in my mind) telling me that i wasnt enough. HE wanted more, someone else to love, someone else to spend his precious time with.

WIth help, guidance to resources and understanding I was able to undo my conditioning. Sure, it took me almost 6 months. 6 months of almost constant break downs on my own, many questions and a little heartache. But then one day I clicked as to what polyamory meant for me and this is where I am today two years later. Sure, I still get jealous but now i know how to achknowlege it and find a way to get my needs met either by myself or by asking for it. I've learned how to ask for it and Ive learned how to respect my husband's time with his girlfriend..

So, perhaps you didnt have the "answers" i was looking for, but I was not happy with the almost instant: LEAVE HIM NOW... etc..

That? was not cool.

[Nzlovergirl]

Hey guys.. Well, i guess I should have heeded the warnings given all those months ago :( My boyfriend and I have just broken up.

Id love to say that it was over something huge and momentous. Something worthy of a broken heart. No, we broke up over the one thing that I knew would be a problem for him one day: My polyamory. There were other things involved though: We’re both at university, so we are in deep there. He’s lost his entire support network: His best friend moved overseas. I moved in, pretty much spending 4 nights a week with him, and it was too much for him. And I have met someone I wanted to explore a connection with. He could not ‘allow’ this and neither of us have the energy to fight anymore.

We have been at logger heads for two weeks but really our connection started to be frazzled about 6 weeks ago when his best friend left and I moved in. And then a week ago he admitted to me that the connection from his end had been lost. The thing is, we still love each other. But that saying ‘Love is not always enough’ really works here.

This all happened yesterday and it was a mutual decision. We met in a park to see if we could discuss the things that could and could not be compromised but we got stuck on the one thing I could not compromise: My polyamory. At the end of 40 minutes, the end of the discussion we looked into each others eyes and knew. He said it first: Well, I guess that’s that then.
Yesterday I took things easy: I watched a movie and some tv with Hubby. Ate some chocolate. And relaxed.

Today, unfortunately I have to work but its ok, its not like I have an in-depth, full of work job. But being here? Reminds me of him in the worst way: I met him through work. He used to visit me here. He used to pick me up from here. Everything reminds me of what we had that’s been lost. I even have a folder of emails that I wish I could bring myself to delete.

The thing that wounds me so deeply is that I feel like we’ve given up and yet I know it’s the best choice for both of us. He can one day find a woman who can be his one and I will stop lying to myself. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

I guess im putting this here cos its a little painful and how do I explain to my mostly monogamous social network that Ive lost yet another piece of heart? I know he'll look after it forever but still: Its painful.. Also, I kinda don't want them all looking on 'knowingly': Oh, she's broken up again with another guy.

Was I wrong? Should I just have not gone there with a 'monogamous' person? Maybe, but you never know unless you try, right? He really is a wonderful person and I hope he can find his 'one'.

[noob]

I'm very sorry for the loss of your relationship ((hugs))

Even if it's for the best, it's hard and you're hurting right now, so I just wanted to offer my condolences.

[saudade]

@NZ,

I'm sorry to hear how your relationship ended, and how you're feeling about it. I'm also proud of you for telling people outright that you were upset by people's vehement reactions to this thread. :o

Was I wrong? Should I just have not gone there with a 'monogamous' person? Maybe, but you never know unless you try, right?

You're right-- you never know unless you try, every damn time. One of my primaries had heard of poly but hadn't ever thought about trying it until we started fooling around-- now he lives with my fiance and I, and we're all talking about buying a house and having kids in a few years. Keep trying, NZ, and keep giving people the benefit of the doubt... There's a whole thread somewhere on this site about red flags, and you might read it if you want others' advice, but keep being honest and brave with your heart either way.

Coincidentally, RedPepper:
I am not so sure that a poly relationship can be considered a long term serious relationship when its ones first.
Twig, who just got his forum account a few weeks ago, is in exactly that boat. I'd certainly consider our relationship a "long term serious" one! RP, I know you probably didn't mean the statement harshly, but it certainly set my hackles! :(

[irishjack]

mmm, at least some parts of your story sound VERY familiar. i have only recently split from my lovely, beautiful, loving wife because i have come to the realisation that i am fundamentally poly. she, however, is entirely monogamous. as far as i could see it, the only options were for her to compromise on something she held as axiomatic - impossible - or for me to do the same - equally impossible. the result: i pushed her away and left her with my beautiful 16 month old (as of today) daughter. brutal. heart-wrenching. destructive. but necessary and (i hope to god) better in the long run for all of us.

imho: poly + mono = too-major-compromise-by-someone = destruction = death

[redpepper]

Coincidentally, RedPepper:

Twig, who just got his forum account a few weeks ago, is in exactly that boat. I'd certainly consider our relationship a "long term serious" one! RP, I know you probably didn't mean the statement harshly, but it certainly set my hackles! :(

I have no idea what I meant back in November. I can't remember what the topic was that made me think that. I certainly do think that relationships at any stage and age can be serious and considered for the long term....

I don't know what the context was when I said that so.... I just thought I would clarify on what I think now about that particular quote. As I said then, ("I'm not so sure.") I am always growing and learning and changing my mind as I learn new things and discover myself more.... this forum is a good way to look back at where I was and how far I have come.

I'm sorry it gets your hackles up, but I suspect you are growing and learning too and would understand that.

Carry on, thanks for the good read folks.

[GroundedSpirit]

The thing that wounds me so deeply is that I feel like we’ve given up and yet I know it’s the best choice for both of us. He can one day find a woman who can be his one and I will stop lying to myself. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.



{{{hugs}}} to you girl

I suspect this will strike a sensitive chord with many of us. Despite all our hopes and dreams there are times we get reminded of what Love truly is - allowing, even encouraging, each other to pursue their greatest happiness in life - even when that happiness may NOT include us !
Some painful sacrifice in pursuit of what we feel is some philosophical greater good. But it never feels that way at first - only much later.

GS