View Full Version : Has anyone been like this?
11-05-2009, 06:26 PM
I am new to all this so I don't know if anyone else feels this way or if it is just me.
I have recently gotten a girlfriend who I love dearly and at the same time I am married. Alot of you may know my stoy as I have posted a few things here and there. What I was wondering was... I know for a fact I would not be poly if it was not for the two people I love. I don't feel like I am poly just more like I am in love with two people. If, for some strange reason, eather of them would want to leave me I wouldn't not go out looking for anyone else (I wasn't looking in the first place... my girlfriend just ended up at my house through a mutual friend). Does this sound odd? Does anyone else feel this way? Let me know please...
11-05-2009, 07:07 PM
Most of us--if not all--are not poly because we feel poly. We are poly because we simply love more than one person at a time.
For me, I found when I was first getting interested in girls that I was always interested in more than one. Even when I made a connection with one, I was still interested in others and could connect with them, too. I wasn't terribly interested in the "going steady" thing because it meant I couldn't also see other girls.
Did I feel poly? Um, no. Leaving aside the fact that the term hadn't been coined at that time, I only knew that I could love more than one at a time. I wondered why it wasn't possible to "go steady" with two or three girls.
11-05-2009, 08:51 PM
Thank you for your thoughts, but I think I did not clearify myself very well. I was more asking if anyone had felt like they wouldn't be poly at all if it wasn't for the people they were in love with. I know if it wasn't for my two lovers I deffinitly would not be poly, the idea had never entered my mind (even the concept let alone the word). Does anyone else feel this way?
11-05-2009, 09:30 PM
In fact - I am with one man, Ouroboros, and not with another (for many reasons) yet I do love them both. I don't "feel" poly, and in fact, I don't even put the title on myself. I just feel this way. I bet I could love many... The ogistics of having the relationships is another matter entirely.
Also - even though I feel this way, I still get wierded out with Ouroboros wanting to see other women... I know it is something I need to think about.
11-06-2009, 12:25 AM
Typically, most people know they're Poly once they get their secret decoder ring and instructions for the secret handshake.
I've always been intrigued with multiple relationships. Never really pursued it until recently, and even then, not very aggressively. I figure, what happens happens. If someone comes into my life that I'm interested in and they're ok with it, maybe something will happen. If not, that's ok too.
11-06-2009, 06:59 AM
you don't have to use any title at all really. I think it's totally fine to just love who ever you want. I always loved more than one person from the very beginning of consciously crushing out on people. I didn't call it poly, it just was. Same goes for this, so you love two people and that is unusual for you... so what, it just is and you all can just carry on enjoying it.
11-06-2009, 12:35 PM
i think sometimes i am more commited to my poly lifestyle than i am to any of my partners, so right now at this time in my life i am poly and not just in love with more than one person, i choose to go out, date and meet new people,
that being said I came to be poly by accidently falling in love with another man, i didn't even know what poly was back then, and at that time i thought that if i broke up with one of those 2 partners id never look for another,
when relationship 2 ended
i waited 6 or 7 months and then decided that actually i had enjoyed the experience of loving more than one person and so i did start dating and looking and then i reserached polyamoury and realised that this is the way i want to lead my life,
11-06-2009, 03:27 PM
My short answer is yes, I felt EXACTLY that way about my relationship with P. I have always loved more than one person but never went the poly route until her. I was more serial monogamy or cheating (not proud of that). I'll give you a better answer later when there is not a baby asleep on me. :)
11-07-2009, 08:53 AM
Yep. Said this To AB and AL the other day. Word for word. Get out of my head. :P
11-07-2009, 09:04 AM
Yep. Said this To AB and AL the other day. Word for word. Get out of my head. :P
Yep. I asked her if she was writing under a pen name :D
11-07-2009, 09:09 AM
haha Yes she did! Its crazy!
11-07-2009, 08:57 PM
Ok, I have maybe 15 minutes. lol
I've almost always found myself being interested or loving more than one person at a time, but I never knew the term polyamory. I just assumed there was something wrong with me or that I was incapable of commitment, or even of "real" love due to these feelings. But, often, I'd deny the feelings for the other and not act outside my committed relationship. Other times, I'd unfortunately cheat on my mono partner. This was mostly when I was younger and almost always at the point where the relationship was breaking down anyway. Alot of times I'd go from one mono relationship directly into the next either through cheating or through breaking off the first relationship when I knew cheating was imminent. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Then again, as I've stated before, many of my relationships were with men who wouldn't exactly be considered good people. I've often wondered if I chose them knowing I couldn't be mono and not wanting to hurt good people. That's another topic.
I had one boyfriend who I felt was actually very good to me and we were engaged. I didn't feel I needed anything else in a man. However, I am bisexual and at that time had never had a relationship with a woman and was very curious. He was the first person I trusted enough and loved enough to be honest with about this side of me. It wasn't met well. Besides being called disgusting and unnatural, he began to completely monopolize my time and cut my female friends off from me. (I realized later that this controlling aspect had always been his MO as he had cut off my friendships with males in the past, limited my social life, and even told me how to dress. Ah how love blinds us.)
I ended up cheating on him with a female friend. But I wouldn't call it poly-not by my definition. She was also bicurious and had never had a female partner. We were friends with benefits essentially and she ended up trying to use me to spice up her relationship with her boyfriend. I broke it off. The fiance and I split up after I couldn't live with myself going behind his back anymore and I had developed feelings for another male friend. Back to serial monogamy for me. Then the new guy and I split and the fiance wanted me back. For a long time I was sick of it all and dated both of them on and off and even occasionally saw the woman. I was not happy. It all came to a head one day and I lost everyone.
None of this was what I wanted or my definition of poly. Until N, who was the ONLY person who saw me for who I am and loved and accepted me for it, I had never lived a poly life. Until I fell for P (Ns best friend) after years of friendship, I had never considered that I COULD live a poly life. And, until I was able to tell them both openly and honestly how I felt and was thrilled to find I could have them both, I never would have called myself truly poly.
Now that the relationship with P is over and she has apparently chosen to exile herself, I don't feel inclined to seek out another relationship. I don't want another relationship with a man. I still consider myself bisexual. But, it would take a very special woman and very intense feelings for me to revisit poly. I couldn't seek out a woman because of my sexual attraction or even emotional attraction to women. It would have to be another fall on my lap situation. And, until then, I'll remain happily mono with my husband. If it never happens, that's ok too. I don't think poly is really in the ACT of having multiple loving relationships so much as in the CAPACITY to do so. So I'm non-practicing poly at the moment.
I hope some of this made sense. I'm sleep deprived. lol
11-10-2009, 08:39 PM
About the style of relationship you are in?
I had a moment of clarity a while back, and realized that I just don't care if I am in a mono, poly, whatever relationship so long as my other relationship criteria are met. I am not drawn to either style, and could live happily in either style for a long time, i feel.