Loving freely or controlling emotions?

[rory]

I stumbled into poly sort of accidentally. I did know some people in polyamorous relationships but hadn't really considered one myself, mostly because I thought it unlikely to be able to find someone compatible who would be ok with me having a husband. However, I met a woman and ended up in one, i.e. with a girlfriend and a husband. After that, I have been doing a lot of reading about poly, here and elsewhere, and it has somewhat changed my perspective.

It seems there are different ways of "living poly". Some people seem to be open to letting relationships become romantic if they feel like it. Something like not limiting one's love, even if it is not reciprocated. In the other end there are people who (or whose partner) happened to fall in love with somebody new, and they are working to make poly work, and not considering additional partners. And then everything in between.

I guess what I'm wondering is where do I fit, or, more specifically, what do I want and how do I want to live. I'm not expecting anybody here to have the answer for me. ;)

I'm having some difficulties with wrapping my head around the concept of letting oneself freely love other people. On one hand, on theoretical level it sounds sort of fabulous. And it feels like it might be "the most natural way" for me. But on the other, on practical level I find the idea somewhat scary. I mean, it differs so much from what I'm used to. I've had a few strong crushes on my friends, and usually I've worked on getting over them by "talking myself out of it". I've sometimes tried to spend less time with them, othertimes I've sort of tried to find reasons why a romantic relationship wouldn't have worked for us anyway.

As I write that it sort of doesn't sound healthy to me. I guess a lot of people do it somewhat like that in monogamous relationships. You're expected to come to a conclusion that there could not be a person out there who was as (or more) compatible to you as your current partner is; if something contradicts that it may mean you've made the wrong choice, and you can deal with that only by breaking up or by settling because you're committed. Does anybody else feel this is how mainstream culture views crushing on or falling in love with someone else while in a relationship?

How is it then I want to perceive love? Is it what I want to do, to let myself fall in love with somebody even if there is no future for us? Should I just accept my feelings for somebody as they are? Does it have to hurt (as we are taught) to have somebody you love not love you back? What if the feelings are mutual but the situation doesn't allow a (romantic) relationship, e.g. one of you has a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship to multiple partners and has no time for another relationship? Can you still accept the feelings and yet be able to move on (i.e. not hurt)?

The questions above are rhetorical; I'm just pondering. Feel free to comment any thoughts that come to mind. :)

[HappiestManAlive]

Have you ever fell for someone - maybe a crush, but lets limit it to a longer-lasting, more "meaningful" kind of feeling - while in a committed relationship - that in no way lessened or detracted for your feelings toward your current SO?

If so, that's being poly. Whether you act on it or not determnines whether or not you're "living" poly.

I have come to understand that many people fall for someone and it "flips a switch"; they no longer have meaningful attraction or interest in other potential partners. I guess that's being "mono".

I honestly thought that the former was normal and that white-knuckling your way through a relationship with all these other feelings flying around was just how it was - that's what commitment was, and it was a sacrifice everyone made in order to be with the "chosen one" as it were. I didn't know there were people for whom this was never a problem until I was introduced to poly - and came to learn that MY way of living was the unusual one (according to something I'm sure).

Once the possibility of not limiting my love arose, I have found it very difficult to concieve of living otherwise. As far as actual relationships go - well, they can be difficult, especially in such a "mono-centric" society. And the pain of loss is in no way mitigated - at least not for me - by having others (though it is nice to not go through it alone), something else I find that many "mono" types don't grasp; "but you have backups". How insulting on sooo many levels...

Anyway - if you feel you're limiting your love, you're a poly person "living mono". As I have come to see and understand it, mono's who've found their "one" don't seem to feel this way.

My loose change...

[rory]

I realised right now that my previous post was a bit confusing since I didn't really describe my situation, so I edited a bit. :) I am in a polyamorous relationship now (only 2 months), a N between my husband, me, my girlfriend and her husband. What I wrote in the first post about having crushes was referring to "the time before poly", i.e. when I didn't regard poly as a viable choise for me (before meeting my girlfriend). Back then I was married and I used to try and control my feelings for others.

Now the situation has changed in that I know that poly definitely can work for me. But I don't feel that, at least for now, I would have the energy or time for a third partner. Thus, I'm still not really able to act on it if/when I like somebody in the future (unless it seems that they do fit into my life at that point). Thus, I wouldn't consider myself available. Therefore, I'm pondering if I still should use my old techinque of trying to control my feelings if/when I meet somebody in the future whom I love, but whom I can't be in a relationship with (for any reason).

[rory]

I'll still add some thoughts. I don't think it would be very healthy to try to control the feelings, but I find the thought of letting myself love freely a bit scary. I'm afraid of hurting myself if I let myself love somebody who doesn't love me, for example.

But that's just it. I don't KNOW it will hurt, I just assume it will. But now that I think of it, I don't know. I mean, when I had a big crush on one of my friends (who didn't feel romantically towards me, and didn't know about my feelings) and he was seeing someone else I felt only a little hurt and jealous, and the feelings passed fast. After that I was just happy for them, even though I still had strong feelings for him. I think it's very similar to what I might experience if my partner found somebody new. It doesn't really make much difference if I am romantically involved with them or not, I can still feel happiness in their happiness and be confident that I am important to them in other ways. :)

[Gecko]

First up, I liked your post. :)
It reminds me of some of my own thoughts on love, especially ones i was having before i knew "poly" was something going on in other peoples lives and not just in my head!



I'm having some difficulties with wrapping my head around the concept of letting oneself freely love other people. On one hand, on theoretical level it sounds sort of fabulous. And it feels like it might be "the most natural way" for me.


Me too! Thats how I love. and often i can see in people that deep down they feel that too, but our social norms/rules are so embedded that it is often never even mentioned let alone allowed to bloom into its full expression.
Monogamy will even have people rejecting ones they love just because they see that the person will not suit a broad enough range of situations to be exclusive with.
it saddens me; love heals, but all the rituals, rules and circumstances around it mean it often mean we often go without it where it may be needed, and the isolation causes much pain.


But on the other, on practical level I find the idea somewhat scary. I mean, it differs so much from what I'm used to.

To have the trust in your own heart that you are ok, that you can let down the barriers that protect you from rejection; is a beautiful thing. But you will still dealing mostly with people who have brickwalls surrounding there hearts. I'm not Christian, but I think Jesus' life is a great example of someone being true to themselves, not matter what the cost.


As I write that it sort of doesn't sound healthy to me. I guess a lot of people do it somewhat like that in monogamous relationships. You're expected to come to a conclusion that there could not be a person out there who was as (or more) compatible to you as your current partner is; if something contradicts that it may mean you've made the wrong choice, and you can deal with that only by breaking up or by settling because you're committed.


Yup.
I love my wife so much, but when i try to explain my views on love, it violates this norm that she is supposed to be my everything...if not she must not be good enough for me somehow.
The way I'm forced to settle or go, is by making me choose whether to be free to love and live fully, or ignore a significant part of myself in order not to lose my wife.



How is it then I want to perceive love? Is it what I want to do, to let myself fall in love with somebody even if there is no future for us? Should I just accept my feelings for somebody as they are? Does it have to hurt (as we are taught) to have somebody you love not love you back?


Yes! Just accept your feelings as they are :)

Love is love. It doesn't plan for the future or consider long term viability.
I absolutely love losing myself in wonder of the natural world, of being able to "feel" the elements, the line blurring between duality and oneness. But i can't choose when those experience come (apart from seeking it within sex), nor can I prevent them from ending (again its a bit different with sex lol ;)).

I wonder how that is different to the love experienced between people? I don't have the answer, but we fear losing lovers like we fear death. We put up illusions in our minds that the world is static, permanent, that if we can just get to that next part we'll finally be ok. But realty is constant change, so when we get there its not only different than we planned it, but the next change is already coming.

I think we put walls up around hearts to protect our ego's plans and dreams, we fear letting the love of others in because deep down we know that reality is different than our ideals. We will be hurt when it doesn't turn out the way we "planned"

I'm sorry, that was a very long winded way to say; that yes your right, just accept your love as it is, in the present moment.
Maybe you'll have a great convo, maybe youll get married and have kids, maybe you'll have a night of the most spiritually connected mind blowing sex you've ever had and then crash your car on the way home?


What if the feelings are mutual but the situation doesn't allow a (romantic) relationship, e.g. one of you has a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship to multiple partners and has no time for another relationship? Can you still accept the feelings and yet be able to move on (i.e. not hurt)?


Thats reality. Not hurt? Would take a true saint! Doesn't mean its not worth it. The times I've regretted a loving experience is when its been deceptive to others and people get hurt.

Things end, thats natural. I think that adhering to the pillars of the poly philosophy of "honesty, communication and love" go along way to helping one follow red peppers advice to "live in a way that leaves a positive wake were ever you go"


Sorry for rambling!


Gecko

[Gecko]

Have you ever fell for someone - maybe a crush, but lets limit it to a longer-lasting, more "meaningful" kind of feeling - while in a committed relationship - that in no way lessened or detracted for your feelings toward your current SO?



Thats exactly how it is for me! Thanks for the post. Reading this forum makes me feel validated for feelings and silent struggles that i thought I was wrong for having for so long, because my partner is totally mono and doesn't struggle at all in our relationship (apart from putting up with me haha).

It doesnt mean that she isnt perfectly fine herself, theres nothing wrong with mono, but I really have no idea of how to get through this with her, without just suppressing it.
:confused:

[Erosa]

One of the quinessential qualities of romantic love is the risk of getting hurt.

Granted, loving more people makes the odds of getting hurt go up, mathematically speaking.

But from what you are saying about your relationship contraction and exploration of who you are emotionally, I think you shouldn't push yourself in any direction. Just let yourself feel.

You will find your balance. *hugs*

[Gecko]

Therefore, I'm pondering if I still should use my old techinque of trying to control my feelings if/when I meet somebody in the future whom I love, but whom I can't be in a relationship with (for any reason).

I don't think you should be suppressing your feelings. Like Erosa said, just let yourself feel. If your not able to be with that person 'for any reason', then its probably a circumstance outside of your control anyway, so it might be easier to allow your self to feel love for that person without needing to act on it?

I find it hard when there is a possibility, but i can't act because of my own relationships boundries (which in theory i do have some say in). If I like someone but they are the ones who cant break the rules i find it easier to let sleeping dogs lie, as I don't want interfere in others stuff.

This makes me ponder something else...but ill start a thread instead of hijacking yours ;)

[rory]

Thanks a lot for all the answers! :) You're really helping me think this through.

I'm thinking, why do I have the assumption that loving somebody and still not being able to have a relationship with them will hurt (and not just a little but like your world is going to end). I mean, what is the underlying assumption? I'm thinking it goes something along the lines of "it is only worth it to love somebody if you can have them all for yourself". That's just so far from what I think and feel.

I wrote in some of my first posts here that I don't really identify as polyamorous (so much as I just happen to be in a polyamorous relationship). But I think this is beginning to change. It does seem that this is how I am and how I feel. Doesn't mean I have to have a (romantic) relationship with every person I may love now or in the future, only that I can connect lovingly to many people at once. :)

[rory]

I have come to understand that many people fall for someone and it "flips a switch"; they no longer have meaningful attraction or interest in other potential partners. I guess that's being "mono".

I honestly thought that the former was normal and that white-knuckling your way through a relationship with all these other feelings flying around was just how it was - that's what commitment was, and it was a sacrifice everyone made in order to be with the "chosen one" as it were. I didn't know there were people for whom this was never a problem until I was introduced to poly - and came to learn that MY way of living was the unusual one (according to something I'm sure).

Once the possibility of not limiting my love arose, I have found it very difficult to concieve of living otherwise.
I think you are right in this! And I'm starting to feel more and more like you describe in the last sentence. I do think I have had some permanent changes in thinking which cannot be undone (not that I want to). :)

I wonder how that is different to the love experienced between people? I don't have the answer, but we fear losing lovers like we fear death. We put up illusions in our minds that the world is static, permanent, that if we can just get to that next part we'll finally be ok. But realty is constant change, so when we get there its not only different than we planned it, but the next change is already coming.
I think you are spot on with this one! I have quite a few thought processes which I think have been going on for a while; and many of them are coming together. I have thought a lot about how a person must find true happiness inside them, and not let it be dependent of one's circumstances (e.g. relationship status). Definitely, reality is not static and relationships are not static. One should accept it and not try to control everything. And by one I mean myself, since I totally feel the need to control most things. :rolleyes:


Sorry for rambling!
No problems, I loved to read your thoughts!

I don't think you should be suppressing your feelings. Like Erosa said, just let yourself feel. If your not able to be with that person 'for any reason', then its probably a circumstance outside of your control anyway, so it might be easier to allow your self to feel love for that person without needing to act on it?

I find it hard when there is a possibility, but i can't act because of my own relationships boundries (which in theory i do have some say in). If I like someone but they are the ones who cant break the rules i find it easier to let sleeping dogs lie, as I don't want interfere in others stuff.
I think I agree with all of this. :)

[MonoVCPHG]

One of the quinessential qualities of romantic love is the risk of getting hurt.

*hugs*

The path to deeper connection and greater love for me is vulnerability. The more vulnerable I make myself the deeper my emotions become. This does increase the possibility of getting more seriously hurt. The person I love the most is the person I give the tools to hurt me beyond all others while trusting in my heart that they won't.

Vulnerability is the doorway to trust. Trust is the doorway to love.

[redpepper]

I guess what I'm wondering is where do I fit, or, more specifically, what do I want and how do I want to live. I wonder this to this day... for different reasons than you at the moment, but still wonder... I think if you ever stop wondering then there is something a miss. At least I look at it that way. Keep at it!

One of the quinessential qualities of romantic love is the risk of getting hurt.

Granted, loving more people makes the odds of getting hurt go up, mathematically speaking.Yes, yes it does... being overly vulnerable sometimes has the opposite effect in terms of love. Being selective is the key I think and then taking everyone else with a grain of salt and a sense of humour. That's another thought though... :p

we fear losing lovers like we fear death. We put up illusions in our minds that the world is static, permanent, that if we can just get to that next part we'll finally be ok. But realty is constant change, so when we get there its not only different than we planned it, but the next change is already coming.Scarcity vs. abundance concept... abundance is endless, scarcity is controlling and fear based.

[Gecko]

Scarcity vs. abundance concept... abundance is endless, scarcity is controlling and fear based.

Thanks, RP, ill have a little dig into that concept. Does this forum have a section that looks at the philosophies/science arising around poylamory? I do see lots of scattered discussion on what it means to people.

[redpepper]

no, as we philosophize about poly theory constantly all over the place on here... The general discussion section is built on theorizing really... you can do a tag search for "abundance" to find more and take if from there.

[BlackUnicorn]

But I don't feel that, at least for now, I would have the energy or time for a third partner. Thus, I'm still not really able to act on it if/when I like somebody in the future (unless it seems that they do fit into my life at that point). Thus, I wouldn't consider myself available. Therefore, I'm pondering if I still should use my old techinque of trying to control my feelings if/when I meet somebody in the future whom I love, but whom I can't be in a relationship with (for any reason).

Me neither (for a fifth partner, but anyway)!

I think the key is the 'if they fit into my life at that point'. Unless it's a 'insane attraction at first sight' type of thing, most romantic relationships, and feelings, need time to grow, I think. So if you have enough time in your life to cultivate a friendship that ends up growing into something more, why suddenly you wouldn't have the time to cultivate a romantic relationship with the same person?

I'm no longer available (in the OKC sense at least :D) in that I would be looking actively for more romantic entanglements, but trying to plan my love life has failed miserably before, so I'm no longer doing it.

[stargazer23]

Have you ever fell for someone - maybe a crush, but lets limit it to a longer-lasting, more "meaningful" kind of feeling - while in a committed relationship - that in no way lessened or detracted for your feelings toward your current SO?

If so, that's being poly. Whether you act on it or not determnines whether or not you're "living" poly.

I have come to understand that many people fall for someone and it "flips a switch"; they no longer have meaningful attraction or interest in other potential partners. I guess that's being "mono".

I honestly thought that the former was normal and that white-knuckling your way through a relationship with all these other feelings flying around was just how it was - that's what commitment was, and it was a sacrifice everyone made in order to be with the "chosen one" as it were. I didn't know there were people for whom this was never a problem until I was introduced to poly - and came to learn that MY way of living was the unusual one (according to something I'm sure).

Once the possibility of not limiting my love arose, I have found it very difficult to concieve of living otherwise. As far as actual relationships go - well, they can be difficult, especially in such a "mono-centric" society. And the pain of loss is in no way mitigated - at least not for me - by having others (though it is nice to not go through it alone), something else I find that many "mono" types don't grasp; "but you have backups". How insulting on sooo many levels...

Anyway - if you feel you're limiting your love, you're a poly person "living mono". As I have come to see and understand it, mono's who've found their "one" don't seem to feel this way.

My loose change...

This is about the best damned summation of things from my perspective that I've ever heard another person utter.

The nice thing is that once I opened my mind to options outside of "pick one," I sloooowly began to see all aspects of poly as both relevant and possible for me. If "pick one" doesn't fit then there's a good chance "Pick one primary and have secondaries" may be a concept I outgrow in the future as well. I have done a lot of thought these past years with regards to liberty being a state of mind and therefore, totally under one's own control and a matter of one's internal "permission."

Give yourself permission to think logically and accurately about the cost/benefit/harm analysis of indulging your every need. Begin to see them as valid needs: You love your current partner but wowie! That person over there makes you feel fantastic and opens doors, windows or something for you that your wonderful current partner doesn't "get," not because he/she is lacking, but because her wonderfulness takes care of the other, equally important needs.

Let 'er rip.

[Ilove2men]

This kind of coincides with thoughts I've been throwing around about my fears about my partner having attractions and my own feelings. For me I seem to want to make everything about commitment. That's the big one for me. Attractions or love on it's own... Not so scary. But we have been taught that if these things don't come with commitment then they aren't really what we think they are. If so.. Then why would we vunerable over something that is smoke and mirrors. Why wouldn't we be afraid if everyone our significant other likes/admires/wants to fuck/ loves are going to be joining us on our death bed. I struggle visualizing anyone I feel a connection to leaving my life. The very thought seems unbearable. Trying to add my feelings plus his feelings and the fact that he or I may feel strongly opposed to the commitment that "must" come from those feeling, plus trying to align lives to fit this mold and all the juggling and sacrificing to get all our asses in that mold... It's down right exhausting.

So right now I am working on breaking love=life parnter. I've never casualy dated. It was always a relationship. I have had one night stands, but even with that I tried to sugar coat it and make it seem that I had feelings and wanted a relationship even when I didn't. Now I realize this is because I have this mindset that all things that equal love also should equal commitment.

[Gecko]

This is about the best damned summation of things from my perspective that I've ever heard another person utter.


You love your current partner but wowie! That person over there makes you feel fantastic and opens doors, windows or something for you that your wonderful current partner doesn't "get," not because he/she is lacking, but because her wonderfulness takes care of the other, equally important needs


Its so nice to read about people 'getting it' in the same way. This forum rocks. Ahh communication technology, your definitely helping speed up our evolution/liberation!
to quote some old dude "you have to be the change you want to see in the world"....theres people here living up to that or working towards that, its good too see!

[rory]

Thank you for all the posts. :)

I've been thinking about this some more, and I think the concept of loving freely has started to sound a lot less frightening. It really helped just to write about it and analyse a bit more where the fear came from.

I read about the concept of fullness in another thread, and I find it useful. That's how I would describe myself at the moment: poly but full, i.e. not open for other romantic relationships. I do think it possible that this will change in the future, but right now I really just want to concentrate on the relationships I have now. :)

Oh, and I definitely agree with this!
Its so nice to read about people 'getting it' in the same way. This forum rocks.
There is so much information and so much to think about here! So many concepts I find useful, not just in poly but in everyday life.

[Idlovetwo]

I love this thread. It's like listening to my own feelings expressed by others. :)

Actually, I didn't realize *I* was poly until I saw *other* people were mono :eek:

I had always thought that monogamy was about controlling your feelings. I thought it was 'normal' to have a crush, even fall in love, with other people while you are in a mono relationship, and still love your partner. I thought that everybody had to deal with that.

Anyway, for me, it was more about controlling my *actions*, not my feelings, because I'm not capable of that - I feel what I feel. And if it's becoming 'dangerous', you should be strong or avoid seeing that person, right? But what if it's a workmate?, a flatmate?, a member of your friends group? You can't spend all your life running away from your own feelings. Anyway, I assumed every mono relationship was like that: struggle, or cheat.

Then I discovered that some people, for example my partner, are not wired that way. When they love a person, they don't fall in love any more. I don't know whether to be envious or not :p

But now that I know I'm poly, and I don't feel guilty about my feelings anymore, I don't try to control them at all. Although I should control my actions if the person is not available, of course.

I am happy with my two loves, but if/when one day I develop feelings for someone else, I should be able to tell my men about it. That would make any guilt go away, and I would enjoy my feelings, regardless if they can lead to a relationship or not (according to my/their circumstances).

[serialmonogamist]

I disagree that there are people who are totally mono. After all, everyone feels some level of love for friends or even acquaintances who endear themselves in one way or other. I think people figure out ways to draw boundaries that allow them to separate monogamous love from other kinds of love. It is taboo to consider feeling sexually attracted to friends or strangers and so people must tell themselves that when they're seeing attractive people on TV, the attraction isn't physical (they probably just don't think about it consciously at all).

Anyway, I don't think anyone is totally mono-amorous but I also don't think it's any less natural to control how you express you love than it is to control what and how much you eat. The problem, imo, is that people have gotten side-tracked from thinking about what is healthy and ethical in terms of relationships by strict, shame/fear-driven ideologies about how they have to live in order to be socially accepted. Obviously there is tension in everyone on this subject or it wouldn't be so taboo to even consider talking about polyamorous feelings with friends, family, etc.

[River]

Anyway, I don't think anyone is totally mono-amorous but I also don't think it's any less natural to control how you express your love than it is to control what and how much you eat.

Okay, fine. We can "control" how we express our love. No problem.

Yet, if I eat too much I become bloated, stomach-achy, and -- eventually -- fat.
Whereas, if I don't control how I express my love I become thin, beautiful, lazy and happy.:)

===

By the way, certain outsiders looking upon my expression of love, lately, would find me to be quasi-celebate! I haven't spilled any seeds at all in a couple of weeks!

[MonoVCPHG]

I disagree that there are people who are totally mono. After all, everyone feels some level of love for friends or even acquaintances who endear themselves in one way or other. .

Just to be clear...when I refer to love on this board it is in the romantic sense. That is in fact a different love to me internally.....but that is only me as I cannot assume to understand how any other human truly works. In a romantic love way I am completely mono. Monogamy is not an indication or assumption of lifelong pair bonding for me either. I see it merely as an indication that I form one romantic pair bonding at a time.

I don't relate the philosophy or nature of poly to apply to any other kind of love besides romantic love as I define it for myself. So in this way, the love of friends or children or siblings again does not apply for me. Of course my own convictions and beliefs are totally non binding to any other human.

[serialmonogamist]

Okay, fine. We can "control" how we express our love. No problem.

Yet, if I eat too much I become bloated, stomach-achy, and -- eventually -- fat.
Whereas, if I don't control how I express my love I become thin, beautiful, lazy and happy.:)
Idk, you could become spent, lethargic, and neurotic.


I don't relate the philosophy or nature of poly to apply to any other kind of love besides romantic love as I define it for myself. So in this way, the love of friends or children or siblings again does not apply for me. Of course my own convictions and beliefs are totally non binding to any other human.
How do you differentiate, then, between finding a model attractive and a partner? Isn't physical attraction physical attraction regardless of your relationship with the individual?

[MonoVCPHG]

Idk, you could become spent, lethargic, and neurotic.


How do you differentiate, then, between finding a model attractive and a partner? Isn't physical attraction physical attraction regardless of your relationship with the individual?

Physical attributes are an extremely small part of romantic love for me. I find lots of people physically attractive...but very few have generated anything remotely considered love. Love is about energy exchange and trust to me..not physical attraction. I consider physical attraction to be a lower brain function driven by an animal desire to procreate. While I enjoy this for what it is, I feel that human intelligence has elevated us above our base instincts IMHO. I don't confuse wanting to have sex with someone with loving them.

[serialmonogamist]

Physical attributes are an extremely small part of romantic love for me. I find lots of people physically attractive...but very few have generated anything remotely considered love. Love is about energy exchange and trust to me..not physical attraction. I consider physical attraction to be a lower brain function driven by an animal desire to procreate. While I enjoy this for what it is, I feel that human intelligence has elevated us above our base instincts IMHO. I don't confuse wanting to have sex with someone with loving them.
While I think you are pointing out a relevant fact about the relationship between sex and love, I think a lot of jealousy and control within monogamous relationships is focussed on sex primarily. For example, when I talk to people about polygamy/polyandry, they seem to view sex as the defining issue instead of family responsibilities. Also, I don't think many people feel jealousy of platonic love that goes on between their partner and others in monogamous relationships. Friendship is not only allowed but encouraged. I think I am the only monogamist whose ever thought that it would be special to have my spouse as my only friend and that ended up causing problems in marriage, so that goes to show that (platonic) polyamory is common.

What is so different about romantic love from platonic love? Isn't it just the amounts of touching that go on and the intensity of the feelings you share?

[nycindie]

. . . I don't think many people feel jealousy of platonic love that goes on between their partner and others in monogamous relationships.
Oh, no, that's not true. One can be jealous of anyone their partner spends time with, enjoys being around, has inside jokes with, co-workers, whatever - doesn't matter if it's totally platonic. I felt jealous about some of my ex's friends. The dynamic doesn't always control that. Jealousy usually rears its head when insecurities or self-doubts are present (and there's always more stuff underneath it).

[serialmonogamist]

Oh, no, that's not true. One can be jealous of anyone their partner spends time with, enjoys being around, has inside jokes with, co-workers, whatever - doesn't matter if it's totally platonic. I felt jealous about some of my ex's friends. The dynamic doesn't always control that. Jealousy usually rears its head when insecurities or self-doubts are present (and there's always more stuff underneath it).

That's true but I just know that most people don't like the idea of being your only friend so platonic monogamy is practically taboo even though jealousy does rear its head in platonic relationships too.

[Idlovetwo]

This is interesting. When I was trying to make my mono boyfriend understand polyamory, I was telling him that one person doesn't replace another, that every person is different, and that you express yourself in different ways with different people. And he said something like, 'Yeah, but you have your friends for that'. So, in the 'traditional' point of view, you can (and are encouraged to) non-sexually express yourself in different ways with different people, but you can't do it sexually. Then again, the boundary between the two scenarios may be as blurry as you can imagine, right?

[Tonberry]

That's true but I just know that most people don't like the idea of being your only friend so platonic monogamy is practically taboo even though jealousy does rear its head in platonic relationships too.

Well, you can have romantic love with no sex, and it's not the same as friendship. A lot of people are fine with friendship, but not with "emotional affairs".