Forums: Help or Hinder?

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm curious to hear what the feedback of forum participants is about their journey on here. I found this forum at the early stages of my relationship because I needed a place to share my feelings. The rest is history!

Positives -

- The forum has given me an outlet for my self-analysis and by thinking about the issues of others I have been pushed to look at my own inner workings.
- The forum has also been a way of communicating with Redpepper as we discuss each other’s responses.
- Some people make a comment that indirectly answers questions I have but did not even identify yet!

Negatives -

- Sometimes I take on the issues of others and end up putting myself in their shoes so to speak. There is not a lot of poly dynamics I could be healthy in so this happened a lot LOL!!
- Sometimes Redpepper and I read too much into our responses or misinterpret each other which leads to a lot of discussion about non-issues.
- There have been times where I became so frustrated or disillusioned by the stories or ideas of others that I felt like surrendering. I forgot that although this is real life, this is not my life.

We all know some people don't get the answers they are looking for and at times all of us say things in the moment we wish we could retract. We also know some very good friendships are blooming on here.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Peace and love
Mono

[greenearthal]

I've found myself wondering a few times how my relationship with H might have been different (possibly better) if we had the cast of characters that exist here and now in this place. And then I am also grateful that when the fit hit the shan that all of that madness didn't go public (having it go public in our local community was more than enough).

[MonoVCPHG]

The public aspect of the forums is certainly a consideration. When I first came on here I posted a pic of myself because frankly I don't care what most people think. Redpepper reminded me that other people we know and may refer to as examples could see this and misinterpret our intentions so I took it down. I'd like to put it back up though...I think. We are pretty wide open on here and the info could be used against me in some cases I guess.

Privacy does have its place.

[Sunshinegrl]

I love this forum. Its been a great source of information for us. I do dislike the lack of privacy that is an issue for me. I think if the Fireplace ( or another part) was more Private (members only) I would be more comfortable sharing other factor in my life, pics and things. I think Forums are generally a great place to meet like minded people and seek support and varying opinions. I also must say I have meet some very important people in my life on forums. :)

[redpepper]

I have found community here in the form of good people who are like me in many ways but just different enough to challenge me and to make me willing to want to debate! number one benefit....

This time last year husband and I were waffling all over the place, going through it all alone. While we are 12 years into the poly thing and came into our marriage this way, we never had community EVER! ...until this year. I am so happy my cheeks hurt sometimes. Not only have I found another long lost soul mate and love of my life in Mono, but a community as well, both on here and in my city!

I am truly blessed.

The down side for me is lack of time to be on here. Fortunately I can use my phone to respond a lot of the time, but I do this on work time and that is not really what I should be doing :p I usually stay up WAAAAAY to late, which is what I am doing right now!

More on the down side? I'm addicted!!! :D

[MonoVCPHG]

More on the down side? I'm addicted!!! :D

Yes you are! Now get your ass to bed :mad:

[NeonKaos]

At first it helped take my mind off of a bad experience I had earlier this year. I managed to make some new friends in the process.

Recently, however, the forum has taken on a somewhat Jerry Springer-esque fascination for me.

[Fidelia]

Crap! :eek:

I just wrote four paragraphs about how much I love this forum and all you guys, when I accidently refreshed the d*** page and lost it all! :o

Forum good. Love forum. Ugh.

[MonoVCPHG]

Crap! :eek:

I just wrote four paragraphs

Sure you did ;)

[ourquad]

I didn't find this forum early on when I was searching in our relationship but, I have gotten insight here no longer than I've been a member.

I did find another forum and blog early on that have greatly helped me. I read several blogs and a couple of forums each day if possible. Spend too much time online really.

But I do this because I learn so much from how others handle things. Started my blog because I could not find one involving quads. That in itself has been a help to me. I write in a traditional journal but felt some of what we go through could help others. So, I share some of that there as well now.

Do I get tired at times of only hearing about the struggles? Of course. But I like it when I hear about the good times. It's just a learning experience we all have to take in stages.

The good far outweighs the bad to me.

[LovingRadiance]

I love this forum. Its been a great source of information for us. I do dislike the lack of privacy that is an issue for me. I think if the Fireplace ( or another part) was more Private (members only) I would be more comfortable sharing other factor in my life, pics and things. I think Forums are generally a great place to meet like minded people and seek support and varying opinions. I also must say I have meet some very important people in my life on forums. :)

It WOULD be cool if there was at least ONE forum on here where ONLY members could talk. I think that would ROCK. Then as we get to know one another we could be a little more frank as a "group". Instead of only in PM's.

I think even possibly limiting it to senior members so the people in that room ARE regulars...
As for me-I don't care who knows about me-and would put my pic up-but I have no good pics of me right now.I have great ones from years back-but recent ones tend to be me in jammies with a baby (nice for us but not to share!).
Just told Maca we needed to fix that. I like bexandben's pic. I would love to something like that where Maca and I were together in my avatar!

[LovingRadiance]

Crap! :eek:

I just wrote four paragraphs about how much I love this forum and all you guys, when I accidently refreshed the d*** page and lost it all! :o

Forum good. Love forum. Ugh.

OH bummer!!

[MonoVCPHG]

I think even possibly limiting it to senior members so the people in that room ARE regulars...


Although I wouldn't want anyone to feel excluded, I think there is something to this. But instead of a senior member's area, perhaps a Family of Trust area. For those of us that have connected beyond the confines of our online personas? It would be so hard to do without offending or seeming elitest.

BTW all the responses on here have been as expected! Thanks to the creators and moderators for providing this space of sharing and keeping us in line when emotions run too hot even for poly people. :D

[Ceoli]

Although I wouldn't want anyone to feel excluded, I think there is something to this. But instead of a senior member's area, perhaps a Family of Trust area. For those of us that have connected beyond the confines of our online personas? It would be so hard to do without offending or seeming elitest.

Indeed.

I can honestly say that if such a place existed on this site, I probably wouldn't have lasted very long here. Such structures tend to stratify things pretty quickly and do exclude a lot of people from conversations without a very good reason. There would be a lot of valuable thoughts and perspectives that would be missed if certain conversations were only allowed to the "initiated" or those who are "in the club". My perspectives don't magically change after my 100th post. For me it makes a forum seem much less welcoming, and I'm pretty passionate about welcoming inclusive places.

This is a forum, not a club. I don't see the need to be so possessive of a public posting webspace. There are plenty of ways for people to maintain closer connections as friendships develop outside of this website. For me, this is a place where things start. It doesn't have to be the place where we close things off to people are are starting.

[MonoVCPHG]

Indeed.

This is a forum, not a club. I don't see the need to be so possessive of a public posting webspace. There are plenty of ways for people to maintain closer connections as friendships develop outside of this website. For me, this is a place where things start. It doesn't have to be the place where we close things off to people are are starting.

Agreed...thanks for that Ceoli :)

[greenearthal]

Yeah but we should AT LEAST make an exclusive section where only people with a thousand posts can speak/view.

I heard that Mono is so Mono that he might really like that.

:D

[MonoVCPHG]

I heard that Mono is so Mono that he might really like that.

:D

I think I'd be all alone...how mono is that!!.....even too mono for me :rolleyes:

[greenearthal]

(Sometimes I PM myself secrets. But if anyone asks, you didn't hear that from me.)

[MonoVCPHG]

Haha!!....I mean.....ok

[NeonKaos]

If you want to talk to more than one person in PM at the same time (no Mono jokes necessary, it's getting a bit like Beavis and Butthead "He said mono, huhuhuh"), you can separate each username with a semicolon.

Alex, copy and paste this into that other help thread on forum usage for me, will you? I'm just way too lazy to do it myself kthxbai.

[sea]

After first coming to this forum it felt great! We are in small town BC and felt very alone! Being able to know that there are many others out there in somewhat similar situations, and hearing how they faced like issues was, and is fantastic. Reading through posts has either answered many questions or at least showed a different point of view. Simply put....Food for thought!

On the flip side, there are not enough hours in the day to read back through the many posts and archives. Like many others in todays society we lead very busy lives, and trying to manage time in a relationship, family, work, home etc. The ability to ask a question and receive feedback can be very illuminating, to quote Sweetie.." there is no such thing as a stupid question if you don't know the answer!"

I have to agree that there is a Jerry Springer atmosphere quite often. Very much a 'clique' and the idea of a Members Only Club only inforces this. I have to agree also with Ceoli that a lot of valuable thoughts and perspectives would be missed. What makes the feelings and thoughts of one with less posts on a forum less important than one who has had the time for many posts?

Like I said.....food for thought!;)

[MonoVCPHG]

What makes the feelings and thoughts of one with less posts on a forum less important than one who has had the time for many posts?

Like I said.....food for thought!;)

You're absolutely right! I am fortunate enough to have access 24 and 7almost.

I think we can all agree that narrowing circles is something best kept away from the forums.

[greenearthal]

My interperetation of what people were suggesting with a members area was an area where you would have to have an account in order to read it. If I was correct in that interperetation then even people with 0 posts would be able to read it, but search engines and unregistered guests would not be able to read it. That really wouldn't protect you from much other than a person would at least have to give a valid email address in order to read it.

I personally have no need for such an area and have no complaints with things the way they are, but I do understand why some would have a desire to create safer space. But it seems like YGirl has the perfect answer to that with the multiple recipient PMs. Plenty of safe space there.

[Sunshinegrl]

Ok not so much a members only club. Just a place where those of us who are regulars could post photos etc. Say with 10 post count limit. So its not too exclusive. Just for those who plan to stick around!

[MonoVCPHG]

Just for the info of all. You can creat a private album that can only be viewed by your contacts. Just so you know!

[LovingRadiance]

I have to agree that there is a Jerry Springer atmosphere quite often. Very much a 'clique' and the idea of a Members Only Club only inforces this. I have to agree also with Ceoli that a lot of valuable thoughts and perspectives would be missed. What makes the feelings and thoughts of one with less posts on a forum less important than one who has had the time for many posts?

Like I said.....food for thought!;)

Nothing-but why I suggested that was because some people would feel comfortable sharing more personal info with people they had gotten to know here. But are not comfortable sharing it with random unknowns-or spammers. We do get the occassional spammer join for a few days. If there weren't some sort of limitation-then all of a sudden EVERYTHING would be available to them as well.
For me I don't care how MUCH you (general you) post. I care that people feel comfortable sharing.
Does that make sense?
Like mono was talking about putting his real pic on. I would anyway-but some people-that could be more risky. And having random spammers accessing that info could cause issues...

[Mark1npt]

This forum, and I can't remember for the life of me how I found it......has been a Godsend.....I never, ever dreamed of approaching my wife about moving our marriage forward in a poly way, but with so much to read and learn about on here, it quickly became a no brainer to do so.

I truly hope that so many others out there like myself can find this special place and the special people that exist on here. Some of you know who you are and you'll never fully realize how much of an impact you have had on so many people's lives and relationships.

I am an information junkie, an avid communicator, and finally, a healer of bodies and now hearts, too. There has been absolutely no downside to my being on here, other than to have my two loves complain that this puter is in my lap for too many hours on some nights. Hence, my reduced participation lately....as others here at home need my more immediate attention. I hope all my friends on here understand.

[MonoVCPHG]

I hope all my friends on here understand.

Without a doubt my friend! Sounds like you are doing well..take care.

[redpepper]

mark, we forgive you... besides I don't feel like you've left as we have emailed lots!

I for one don't like the idea of segregation for senior memebers. I understand how it is appealing, but I have friends on my facebook now who know me in a very different light than on here and I know them. It makes my sense of community feel that much tighter... if they aren't on my facebook then we email... it all works and if anyone wants to do either, or if I want to then it can be arranged.

The whole idea of knowing someone beyond this forum is very appealing to me as I am not the person that you all think I am. I realized that when I met some of you elsewhere, saw your pictures and lives in a different way and realized that you all see me in that different way also. It has changed my view of people on here that I only know a small part of their lives and in no way should think I have a right to judge them for what they write on here.

I love to think that friendships can last longer than this forum, or at least longer than my interest in it.

[redpepper]

one down side is that I write long posts that I think no one has read and then get sad and think I've wasted my time.... especially as quite often they are repeats of what I have already said three months ago... oh well, my problem.

[rolypoly]

We are in small town BC and felt very alone!

Lots of people in BC here. :)

[LovingRadiance]

one down side is that I write long posts that I think no one has read and then get sad and think I've wasted my time.... especially as quite often they are repeats of what I have already said three months ago... oh well, my problem.

Oh I read 'em.
I know Maca reads 'em too-but then he gets overwhelmed by all the new ideas in his head and sits around staring at the walls instead of replying! Silly guy!

But I know what you mean. We get a mental pic of each other but it's not always clear. Some people come on here and only share the bad parts. But we never see the good side-so then we don't realize there is a FULL life there.
Maca has a bad time of writing most often when he feels hopeless and like a failure. Just last night I pointed out to him that when he gets down he forgets all the good things.If I start naming them then he feels dumb because of course there are so many! Then he wonders what is wrong with him. It's just perspective. He spent so many years thinking that his life was crap and he was crap that he is having to re-learn his whole way of looking at himself and his life in THAT arena and of course that effects his way of interpreting and seeing things in EVERY relationship-but most especially ours.

[redpepper]

My husband is very well read and aware of the very same things Maca is. Albeit for different reasons though. If Maca wants I will ask him to put a reading list together and can email it to you.

It really seems to be a mind set. My husband explains it like our minds are like cross country skiing tracks. Its easy to ski when the path is well used, but try to get off the path and make a new one and its difficult. Its the same with many things in life really. Its all about neuro programming or something... Geesh, not really my thing to know the names of things. More of an ideas person, but something like that. Anyway, I can certainly ask him for the book he read on it!

More on hinders- I find that I become emotionally involved with peoples issues on here and need a break some times. I often get off the computer and my shoulders are pulled up and tense and I realize I have forgotten to breath the whole time. I need breaks now and then just to process! I think I mentioned this in another thread I to you LR.

[LovingRadiance]

My husband is very well read and aware of the very same things Maca is. Albeit for different reasons though. If Maca wants I will ask him to put a reading list together and can email it to you.

It really seems to be a mind set. My husband explains it like our minds are like cross country skiing tracks. Its easy to ski when the path is well used, but try to get off the path and make a new one and its difficult. Its the same with many things in life really. Its all about neuro programming or something... Geesh, not really my thing to know the names of things. More of an ideas person, but something like that. Anyway, I can certainly ask him for the book he read on it!

More on hinders- I find that I become emotionally involved with peoples issues on here and need a break some times. I often get off the computer and my shoulders are pulled up and tense and I realize I have forgotten to breath the whole time. I need breaks now and then just to process! I think I mentioned this in another thread I to you LR.

That would be awesome RP! Maca is really focused on working on himself right now. I've had to remind him (as have a few other kind souls) that Rome wasn't built in a day (so I've heard) but he is very interested in leraning so much more now that he's realized how closed up emotionally he's been for so long from the world.
And yes -you did mention that you have to take a break sometimes.

I gave myself a new rule-I decided that if the first post doesn't "touch me" I'm not reading a thread and I'm not replying in it either. Because it's too time consuming to try to be nice to everyone (nothing personal newbies).
I also decided that instead of reading a responding to everyone else's stuff only-I was going to write some of my own. I got that idea from watching Mono actually. He takes time to write the deepest things-and I know that reading them helps me. I thought-well heck-why not just work on my own stuff and it can potentially help someone else AND I might get useful feedback too. Either way I'm focused back on MY life and not freaking out about everyone elses. (hope that doesn't sound self centered). that one little post of yours really got me thinking and so we'll see how it goes! ;)

[redpepper]

Yes I do that too LR. Sometimes a thread a day is all I can do because I get overwhelmed. I pick and chose too. I get something out of reading everything, but find it unnecessary to repeat myself most of the time. Most people say the same things I would anyway. Sometimes their posts make me think of a new take. I love that. Totally my thing the whole relationship dynamic thing!

[Estar]

Dear Mono,

I am a unregular guest on this forum. But I really like reading the stories and questions people write. They remind me that there are more people dealing, experiencing 'deep' feelings and adventures in their relationships. They give me a time to reflect my feelings and I come at ease.
I always really look for your writing. I'm a mono too and my husband isn't and I'm dealing with this in a way that could be improved I suppose. It feels like the trick is that because I really love him and want to live my life with him I have to accept him as he is though this is not how I am. Hmm and really say goodbye to times past when things were different (just the 2 of us and our 2 kids). Live here and now. We 3 have together now 4 kids (3+1) which are wonderful and a great gift to our lives but it made my life far more complicated then I ever imagined. My husband, she and I get emotionally strechted to the limits. Our lives sometimes really sound like a soapstory, one you think is a bit over the edge. I'm a sometimes really jealous and mourn over times past, but these feelings pass and I can be happy and feel fascinatingly blessed by these wonderful people around me.

Anyway thank you.
Estar

[MonoVCPHG]

Anyway thank you.
Estar

Wow...you sound like an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing that and you are welcome.

Take care
Peace and love
Mono

[Catfish]

This place rules. I have pulled more information on positive communication here than just about anywhere I've looked. At the beginning of our journey, this forum gave us a place to speak freely and ask questions that couldn't be answered anywhere else.

The only drawback I can think of is the public aspect. When I signed up, I chose the username I've used for everything for the last few years. Now when I search Google for that user name this forum in #3 on the list. That was my mistake and I have recently altered my username here. And that's fine, really. I'm not too concerned with people knowing this is the path my life has taken, but at the same time, a little anonymity goes a long way.

All in all, I am very proud to be involved with such a lovely group of passionate people as yourselves.

Carry on.

[AutumnalTone]

I changed the default settings for the boards so that nothing is now pre-indexed for the search engines. Apparently, vBulletin doesn't have a setting for disallowing search engines from rummaging through the site.

[foxflame88]

I always find it a help to be able to express myself and share my thoughts, whether about my own situation or to offer my thoughts to someone else's situation.

[Bowvine]

I have gained mountains of knowledge, insight and perspective from these forums. I've also been able to speak to people privately about my situation who have had similar things happen to their relationships. I think the forums help me, because I don't feel alone with whatever is happening. If I am really going through it, or I am super pumped, I find others experiencing similar things here.

As far as privacy, has phpbb 3 been considered? I'm pretty sure it has a mechanism to keep all registered users and forums private. I can't pull any information on this other site searching google with my username and the url of the site.

On here, my profile pops up as number 3 on the google hit list. Icky.

One suggestion I have is to make viewing and posting in the forums require the viewer to be registered. Have unregistered forums for site intro and rules for posting, then make all registration, and registered forum info hidden from the websearch world.

Just a thought.

[AutumnalTone]

One suggestion I have is to make viewing and posting in the forums require the viewer to be registered. Have unregistered forums for site intro and rules for posting, then make all registration, and registered forum info hidden from the websearch world.


We'd already made some portions non-viewable by unregistered guests and those members not logged in. Now most of the boards are non-viewable with being logged in, so that might shut out the search engines. Nothing in the help files mentions it specifically, so I hope it works.

[GroundedSpirit]

I think from what I've seen thus far that there's been good communications and educational value in the forum (overall).
I do agree with what a couple of people have mentioned in that it's on occasion taken a Jerry Springer-ish turn, which in my opinion doesn't really contribute to the whole in any real meaningful way. Maybe this is kind of what some are feeling when they feel a need for some way to "privatize" some of the conversations ? Maybe one solution to that would be simply to create a section called "The Hot Seat" or somesuch and to encourage people, when they get this private back & forth thing going that distracts from the OP, to just take it to the Hot Seat and work out their differences there. I think that would leave the OP thread cleaner and more valuable for either visitors, folks new to the whole concept & curious, or people who just want to soak up theory & practice rather than debate. I guess I question the value for the greater number in watching 2 or 3 strong personalities hash out their differences in public. By giving them a place to do that and allowing those people interested to go there and engage or follow along maybe everyone's needs could be met.
But overall I think the forum has much potential for both educating people new to the experience or acting as a sounding board for more experienced people who may have just come into a circumstance that is new to THEM and would call out for insights from others.

GS

[Rarechild]

Good thread, Mono! ;)

I find myself putting things in black and white, narrative confessional form, or just sort of yelling out into the Universe at all of you. I have told lots of people about this site. I don't really know who's reading and am not too worried about it. Feels good to hear and tell stories.

For me, there is always a conversation following any post that Charlie, CF, or I make. We write road maps for each other in our questions and reporting, sharing with you and each other, and it makes it easier to talk about things and focus. The feedback from others takes off the pressure and backs down our egos. Great way to start a conversation and a bounty of good information.

One positive/negative yin-yang aspect is that the three of us are all fantastic writers. We are the dreaded creative types. :) We get carried away with the spirit. We can accelerate from random to grandiose in the time it takes to craft a daring sentence with intriguing verbs.

Sometimes this results in misunderstandings or a feeling of being obligated to respond, and write to the others' posts, like an artistic collaboration. This leads us ahead of ourselves sometimes. It reveals the epiphany without having done the work.

-R

[MonoVCPHG]

In summary from my perspective:
Positives -

- The forum has given me an outlet for my self-analysis and by thinking about the issues of others I have been pushed to look at my own inner workings.
- The forum has also been a way of communicating with Redpepper as we discuss each other’s responses.
- Some people make a comment that indirectly answers questions I have but did not even identify yet!

Negatives -

- Sometimes I take on the issues of others and end up putting myself in their shoes so to speak. There is not a lot of poly dynamics I could be healthy in so this happened a lot LOL!!
- Sometimes Redpepper and I read too much into our responses or misinterpret each other which leads to a lot of discussion about non-issues.
- There have been times where I became so frustrated or disillusioned by the stories or ideas of others that I felt like surrendering. I forgot that although this is real life, this is not my life.

[redpepper]

I wish I had another forum name some days ;)

Mono and I have been here since "we" began almost. I doubt we would still be together if we did not have this place to come to... I am dedicated to it because of this and give as much as I receive.

PN and I don't have this place and I notice a marked difference in our relationship. He has taught me stuff in a different way and I him. We discuss things from here often and he is always fascinated, but the emotional turmoil he just cannot deal with if he is here.

[NeonKaos]

This forum has shown me how not to treat my husband.

[LovingRadiance]

I wish I had another forum name some days ;)


God, I understand that!
There are times when I just want to get some UNBIASED feedback on something I'm feeling/needing whatever-but I don't feel like I can do that because I'm too "well-known".
I imagine it's worse for both of you-cause you are so much more regular on here!

It's been good for me to find people that helped me not feel like I'm a total fuck-up.

It's been bad because like others have said, sometimes I take on other people's stories/situations as though they are my own.

[Jane]

I haven't posted much on here yet, but I do read a lot of the posts - and the biggest benefit of this forum for me is that I makes me feel as though I am not alone in choice to live an "alternative" lifestyle with my fiance and our fantastic girlfriend. Just knowing that there is a vast community of real people who I can fall back on for support, guidance and for reassurance that living my life the way I feel is right isn't "wrong" is a huge positive.

[GroundedSpirit]

Old thread resurfaced - good !

I think this forum has grown and matured over the last couple years to a point it's making significant positive contributions.
I was just discussing this with a potential new member the other day - remarking how it's rare a day goes by that you don't see a big "thank gawd I found this place" post somewhere in some thread.
The Springer Effect seems to have pretty much disappeared - seems only a couple of spaniels left in the pen. And hell - we all need a little amusement and relief from the struggles sometimes.

GS

[vodkafan]

This forum has helped me a lot. Basically it just showed me that I should relax and see where any given situation was going before I overreacted.
Although as a mono I neither advocate nor denigrate poly as a lifestyle (We are just trying to live our life) I have felt a sense of community here.
I have been able to give back some support for a couple of other people off forum (who contacted me) who are in the same situation. That's enough for me.

[Ariakas]

Helped me personally, especially initially...

It has hindered in other ways.

[Rarechild]

I forgot one:

The feeling of being told on to the world, in a good or bad way, but one that pushes privacy, even if I am the initiator.

Itchy trigger finger. The camaraderie I receive from folks on here causes me to over-share at times. It's certainly not uncommon for members to want to take something back.

Been thinking a lot about distinguishing between what is felt right now and what has been decided and won with free will.

-R

P.S. I really like this conversation.

[redpepper]

Itchy trigger finger. The camaraderie I receive from folks on here causes me to over-share at times. It's certainly not uncommon for members to want to take something back.
I have thought about this too. I share just about everything. The stuff I don't I talk to people outside the forum about. I don't regret a thing. Even the stuff that I say and it has caused drama I don't regret. I figure that I have brought something to light that others will or do struggle with so I ama sacrificial lamb sometimes for others.

I prefer vulnerable people on here though and its what I like about myself too. I do get how sometimes stuff is just too vulnerable because often people hold stuff I said ages ago as my truth now and it isn't. I move on. Also emotions make me say shit in the moment that is left for all eternaty. That sucks sometimes, but I still think its helpful to see my journey and to see where I am now. Somewhere along the line it will help someone.

[dragonflysky]

This forum has been a life saver to me when it comes to polyamory. I had read lots and lots of books and articles on it....but this forum gave me exposure and information about poly from those who are living it, or considering living it. That has been invaluable. It's not like I can find lots of role models in the world or discuss it with most of my friends and/or family members like I could a mono relationship.

[bella123456]

This forum has certainly helped me a lot. At times I find it difficult to be a witness to so much struggle...At times, it hurts me to think there are so many people here struggling and having difficult times.

It helps me to actually look up the definition of struggle and examples.

Struggle;
- to exert strenuous effort against opposition; "he struggled to get free from the rope"
- an energetic attempt to achieve something; "getting through the crowd was a real struggle"; "he fought a battle for recognition"
- to make great efforts or attempts; strive; labor


And then I feel calmed as I'm reminded struggle is also a good thing :)

[Ithink]

I really like this forum. In my first post I said it felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff with the fresh clean wind blowing in my face and that remains true to this day. I think there should be some kind of banner disclaimer on the front page saying words to the effect:
WARNING: Reading the printed word without voice and body mannerisms can lead to miscommunication!!! Please someone invent a qwerty keyboard with built in emoticons.
I really value the insights and comments of all the members and the senior members have done an excellent job of keeping the forum focused on staying open minded and fair. Personality conflicts are almost inevitable but imho I think the mod’s and senior members have been good about reminding people that we are all entitled to our own opinions and to keep personal attacks at bay. Keeping in mind that this forum is dealing with one of the most emotionally charged topics of human behaviour I think the forum has done fantastic. Among my many personal flaws is a tendency to over think things and also to get tunnel vision and see my own viewpoint as the only valid one. Input from the members here usually puts that nonsense to an end fairly quick. :)
We are very isolated here physically as well as we do not fit the usual demographic for Poly people. Okay...that is just a “small” generalization and I apologize but I did not know how else to phrase it. Finding someone to share and learn about Poly has been an almost impossible task here so the forum fills a huge void for me. The Poly groups I found are either dead in the water or seem intent that everyone must “go public” and join media surveys, university thesis papers or parades downtown.
I would love to be able to sit around in a group of Poly people and drink some coffee and share stories etc face to face and perhaps make some lifelong friends that “get it” but the distances tend to be huge and lives tend to be busy. Many years ago there used to be Chat rooms on MSN and sometimes I wonder if a live private chat room within this forum might provide some more intimate contact and sharing that some people appear to desire. It also might be a can of worms no one wants to open. I suppose there are always e-mail and/or messenger for those who want to communicate in a bit more private setting.
So thank you to the mod.’s for the Poly forum and to all those who contribute and help keep it “alive”.
I would feel a bit lost without it now.
IThink.

[LovingRadiance]

Ithink-
great post. ;)
Private messaging works well for many of us and there are those of us who talk on facebook or through email as well. ;)

But-I do see your point in the possiiblity of having a chat room.

[River]

One suggestion I have is to make viewing and posting in the forums require the viewer to be registered. Have unregistered forums for site intro and rules for posting, then make all registration, and registered forum info hidden from the websearch world.

Just a thought.

This sort of request would perhaps make more sense if people in the fora were required to use their actual name, but since most all of us are using pseudonyms there seems little need to protect privacy by hiding behind a search engine / topic search firewall. What is the concern behind this request?

I find search engine accessibility here useful to the fora in various ways. But I'm certainly open to a discussion on the matter (as a former and early moderator / administrator on the site).

[dragonflysky]

.....
So thank you to the mod.’s for the Poly forum and to all those who contribute and help keep it “alive”.
I would feel a bit lost without it now.
IThink.


What "IThink" says........:D

[Carma]

If I didn't have this forum I'd be lost. It has really helped me -- my poly life is a deep secret that I have only shared with one trusted friend, and even she is a little freaked by it!

My husband has been on a few times but he tends to get cranky after being here. I think he loses perspective that everyone does poly in their OWN way, and that what works for some might not work for others (us), and in fact could be disastrous!

Coming here to read the stories of others is refreshing after an entire lifetime of fairy tales, "Christian values," and monogamy-ONLY romantic ideals. Also after a lifetime of hearing what SLUTS people are who love more than one person :( . I have met so many wonderful people on here who I admire and respect.

For me the downfalls on here are:

1. There is too much information for me to navigate through and not enough time. I am not sure if anyone has any suggestions for narrowing it down - ? I am simply overwhelmed every time I sign on.

2. I am sad that everyone lives so far apart. For example, I am very envious of the CANADIANS, who have gone camping and bonded in Real Life!:D

3. I also wish there were a place for members only, as I am still skittish over privacy issues. Unfortunately, at this point I can't imagine posting pictures of myself or my family.

I often tend to write faster than I think, so I hope you all forgive me for my frequent ramblings. I am extremely humbled by the fantastic writers on this forum!

[NeonKaos]

This sort of request would perhaps make more sense if people in the fora were required to use their actual name, but since most all of us are using pseudonyms there seems little need to protect privacy by hiding behind a search engine / topic search firewall. What is the concern behind this request?

I find search engine accessibility here useful to the fora in various ways. But I'm certainly open to a discussion on the matter (as a former and early moderator / administrator on the site).


The owner of this forum wants it to be as accessible as possible. We tried making it "registered viewers only" once and he didn't want it that way so it was put back to the way it is now. This is not something that is up for a vote or a debate. Of course, people can debate about it all they want, but it ain't gonna change.

If you don't want your personal life known on the internet, then don't write about your personal life on the internet. It really is that simple.

[LovingRadiance]

1. There is too much information for me to navigate through and not enough time. I am not sure if anyone has any suggestions for narrowing it down - ? I am simply overwhelmed every time I sign on.


If you click on "quick links" then "todays posts", that will give you a list of only the threads that had been posted THAT DAY.
THEN, if you get through those and still have time, you can start searching through randomly. ;)

Also-for myself, I avoid the intros page and the "new to poly" pages unless time in in my hands. Most of those pages are repetitive. ie people introducing themselves and asking "OMG how do i deal with poly" type questions. It's GOOD to pop in and answer them periodically-but I keep that for "free time" after I've gotten my "fill" of helpful info from the other boards.

Same with spirituality & polyamory, meetings & events, Press & media coverage and all of the listings under dating. I skip those unless I have a lot of time and nothing else to do.

;)
Much less overwhelming.

[Tonberry]

I have set it to subscribe to threads I reply to, but not send any alerts. When I log in, the first thing I do is check my control panel, and I see all threads I've posted in that got new replies (I also sometimes subscribe without posting if I have nothing to say but want to follow it). Then I check, usually, New to Poly, General Discussion and Press and Media Coverage for thread that seem interesting to me. From time to time I check for new blogs (I'm subscribed to a bunch) and that's pretty much it.
I don't think you can ever follow everything, so you need to take your pick at some point :)

[NeonKaos]

I click "New Posts". I don't read everything.

[nycindie]

I click "New Posts". I don't read everything.

This is what I do, generally. New posts. Then, if I'm thinking about a thread that doesn't have any new posts I will go and revisit it.

[redpepper]

I read everything on New to poly first, then general, then blogs, then fireplace (how are you), then back to new... I always start with the mods forum first to see if there is any business to take care of.

I read everything in new and general, never touch intros unless I am directed, tried to keep up with blogs but just haven't been able to. I follow some peoples, but not all, and fireplace I only read a few things..

The other places on here I hardly ever go unless there is some modding to do.

I like new to poly best. I like to read what new people have to say... and regurgitate the same ol' check this out, check that out bullshit.:p I'm like that at our local poly meet. I like to meet the newbies best :D