When did you know you weren't monogamous?

[CautiousLoops]

Im having a hard time dealing with the guilt of knowing I cant be monogamous. My partner and I have been together nearly five years. Ive always had the urges to explore other relationships but I havent had the confidence to voice them until now. I feel like this could end my relationship, these feelings. My partner doesn't share my sentiments (which is fine) but I worry how I am going to be able to cope with all of this. Do I stay in the relationship with the partner I love and adore or do I stay to persue what I feel in my heart is the kind of relationships I am supposed to have? :(


My question for all you is: When did YOU know you were non-monogamous and how did you deal with the feelings? Were their any repercussions if you were in a mono relationship at the time?

[Ariakas]

10 years ago when my, at the time, gf and I picked up our first fuck friend.

Over 2 years ago I fell in love with a fuck friend. I realized then I could be poly as well.

I have a love hate relationship with poly. I was comfortable as a non-monogamist but poly .. well I am up and down. I had a lot of anger when I first figured it out. And whether or not I can actually be good at poly relationships, is something I always fight internally with.

There has bneen talk of poly/non-monogamy fitting on a sliding scale range. From "ya I can do non-monogamy" to "holy crap monogamy is for the birds"...

Can you exist in a relationship where you are with one person for the rest of your life knowing you "can" be with others. Thats up to you.

[Snowbunting]

CautiousLoops,

Please don't feel guilty - you have nothing to feel guilty about. You haven't betrayed your partner simply because you're finding yourself with certain sorts of emotions. Keep reading the posts on this forum - you'll see that there are lots of polyamorous people and that there's no need for a person to feel guilty simply because he or she happens to be poly. (Even if you're the kind of poly person who truly "can't be monogamous", there's nothing to feel guilty about unless you actually cheat on/betray your partner, and of course, you haven't done that. But even if you had, the betrayal would be the proper reason for the guilt, not the fact that you're poly.)

You'll also find a great deal of helpful advice in the forum - for instance, advice concerning the importance of communication, empathy, patience, taking baby steps, etc. And you'll find examples of very healthy mono-poly relationships - if I were you, I wouldn't assume from the outset that you and your partner can't be in such a relationship - it may well be possible after all.

In my own case, my husband and I are separating in part because of our mono-poly differences, but there are other factors as well, and I have no doubt that mono-poly relationships can work. I just recently posted my story; if you're interested, you can find it here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10256 (I should warn you though, the post is on the long and wordy side :)). In that post, I go into detail about how I figured out that I was poly and about what ensued between my husband and me. (You'll also see my struggle with guilt; that struggle is part of the reason I hate to see someone like you burdened with guilt.)

But in any case, your situation may be very different from mine, and ultimately, things could turn out very well for you and your partner. Best wishes to both of you!

[nycindie]

There are similar questions raised and discussed in the threads below. Maybe reading some of them will be helpful to you in sorting it all out. :)


How do you know you're poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8027)

The Many Types of Polyamory (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4538)

Positive things as a mono I have gotten from poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4275)

Haven't broached the poly subject yet... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3983)

Talking about Polyamory to partners (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3874)

So - how do you *know* you're poly/mono? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3281)

Mono/Poly confusion (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3229)

in mono marriage, realizing I'm poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1913)

Have you always known if you are mono or poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1776)

How you changed when you opened to poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1059)

How do I open up my discussion/relationship? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=683)

[redpepper]

wow nycindie... that is quite a list. Thanks for taking that on as I was about to! :)

I get the guilt. Especially as my boyfriend is mono/Mono... ;) I feel it, allow it to be and then move on as it isn't healthy or valid and unhelpful. I am what I am and if that isn't acceptable at some point then it will become clear that we are not good for one another in terms of our own happiness and over all health.

[CautiousLoops]

Thanks for all the responses. It has just been a difficult thing to wrap my head around. Finding out that this is what I want and perhaps what I am meant to be doing has been a very freeing experience, but the fear of losing what I love so much gets me to want to put the brakes on it. Life isnt fair in that aspect, but I truly believe we should do what we are comfortable with and happy with in this life, even if that means changing everything we know to make ourselves happy.


It is going to be a work in progress. My partner mentioned last night that there is a girl he is somewhat interested in. My heart was so happy for him when he said this! Finally, he is opening up and understanding that loving more than one person, or at least caring for more than one person, is entirely possible. I am not trying to push him to see what develops but I am very excited at this prospect. He says his biggest worry is that I say I am OK with this now but once he is pursuing something I will say I am not OK with it and he will "get into trouble". Communication is key here, and I am adamant about keeping the door open to talking always about what we are feeling or thinking.


I love this board. i appreciate all the advice and insight from those of you who are going through it and have been there. It really helps. Thank you.