View Full Version : Reaching out to his primary when we're both new at this?
05-22-2011, 05:24 PM
I met a very nice guy and we had a very nice couple of times hanging out. Yay! After our second time hanging out, he requested that I email his girlfriend to introduce myself and say thanks for letting me borrow him for a while. I agree that it's the proper thing to do, but I don't know what to say. This is apparently her first polyamorous relationship, and I'm inexperienced enough with poly where I've never been in this situation.
So my question is: if you were in her shoes, what would (or wouldn't!) you want to see in a message from me? Maybe I should just keep it really bare bones? And stop overthinking everything in my life? :p
05-22-2011, 05:30 PM
It might be better for the three of you to meet for lunch or coffee, and get introduced. Just shoot the breeze, talk about anything, and get to know each other.
Or maybe just you and her meet, and gossip about him, as co-conspirators. :)
05-22-2011, 06:28 PM
I have had emails from my loves other partners before that have simply said that they would be really glad to meet me and that they are enjoying their time with our shared partner. That's it... then we usually set up meeting each other.
05-22-2011, 09:43 PM
Just keep it simple, casual and polite. Also the suggestion of coffee with either her or both of them would be nice too.
05-22-2011, 09:57 PM
I would say also that if you're not comfortable reaching out to her, don't do it for him. Do it only if you feel motivated to do so. It might still be premature at this point. If you feel pressured, it's gonna be awkward and weird. But if you are motivated to connect with her, just take a moment to sit and think about what you really would want to say to her if she were in front of you, and keep it simple. It doesn't have to be more than two sentences or so.
05-23-2011, 03:06 AM
It's awesome of you to reach out for advice about this. Kudos on your initiative and thoughtfulness. Playing the role of the wife, I'd say a short message would be great, though I agree w a previous comment, and add that it's not your job, especially at this early stage, to manage the other partner. It's thr job of your potential boyfriend's to manage his partner.
Having said that, I recently had the first experience of being introduced to a possible future gf. It was done in a poly-friendly social setting. That way my husband could spend some time w her while I socialized w others, then I could spend some time w her and w them. It worked out great.
As a final thought, this early on I would take offense if you suggested too much of a commonality between us. But that might just be me.
Good luck :)
05-23-2011, 08:30 PM
After our second time hanging out, he requested that I email his girlfriend to introduce myself and say thanks for letting me borrow him for a while. I agree that it's the proper thing to do, but I don't know what to say.
I'd say a short message would be great, though I agree w a previous comment, and add that it's not your job, especially at this early stage, to manage the other partner. It's thr job of your potential boyfriend's to manage his partner.
I've been thinking about your post, Sparrow, and agree with what I bolded from Feedhercandy, above. I have to say that I think it's a little weird that he asked you to do this right away. After two times just hanging out? Or is "hanging out" a euphemism for sex nowadays? Even so, who says that "it's the proper thing to do," anyway? I mean, it would be nice and perhaps even delightful, if it were your idea and not his. But for him to ask this of you seems a bit pushy and conceited, in a way. Like he's this hot commodity that requires a transaction. Know what I mean? It seems odd to reach out to his girlfriend at such an early stage.
Have you already written her?
05-24-2011, 01:58 AM
.... he requested that I email his girlfriend to introduce myself and say thanks for letting me borrow him for a while. I agree that it's the proper thing to do, but I don't know what to say. This is apparently her first polyamorous relationship, and I'm inexperienced enough with poly where I've never been in this situation.
So my question is: if you were in her shoes, what would (or wouldn't!) you want to see in a message from me? Maybe I should just keep it really bare bones? And stop overthinking everything in my life? :pHe requested.... he asked if she would be willing.... I'm not getting where the issue is with this. "Requesting" is above board to me. If the OP doesn't want to she doesn't have to. Although I wouldn't suggest falling short in the metamour department. Metamours can make or break a relationship
05-25-2011, 06:22 AM
Certainly nothing wrong with saying the SO would like to meet you, but I really do think it is up to him to facilitate the meeting this early on.
I think it is weird to leave it up to you to initiate conversation. My husband and I have an agreement to meet people the other are dating if it is going to become something other than a couple of dates, but that is our job to make happen, not the people we are dating.
The guy I am dating - his wife wants to meet me (he met my husband over a month ago), I'd like to meet her, but she did not want to meet me with him there, so she's taken my email and the ball is in her court, I look forward to meeting her, but if he had told me it was my job to contact her and "make things happen" I think I may have bowed out of that, a hell of a lot of pressure for somebody you don't even know how you feel about yet (I am assuming).
Now if I had already met her socially, I would be more inclined to send a friendly message proactively, but I can't picture sending a total stranger a "thanks for letting me borrow your partner" email.
I have seen two schools of thought on this - people who don't want to meet their metamours unless it is "going somewhere" and people who want to meet them ASAP (which probably gets tiring if your SO dates a hell of a lot).
I would ask the BF if she really wants to meet me, and then probably take the steps to make it happen, but it seems like there is a bit of maturing to do, (as in I think the BF might have said "my gf would like to meet you, so I would like that if too, how can we make it happen?") although the first relationship is certainly going to be a big learning curve on communication.
05-25-2011, 07:02 AM
When I was in a poly relationship our guy was the link between us (the two females involved) getting to know one another. He and she were the established couple. I was his new female interest. We were in a long distance relationship. After asking me, he started to include her on a few of our more casual phone calls to just "chat". In fact, he also introduced me to a couple of their close friends in a "social" phone call one evening because the friends were visiting when I happened to call.
05-25-2011, 07:35 AM
In my newest relationship, which is long-distance and has only been going on for slightly less than two weeks, I have had contact with his wife. BUT, she initiated contact with me, after he and I were talking for about a week. I've written back to her. He has not been involved with any of it, except to say that he's happy we're in touch and that she likes me. I love the idea of having a metamour and being on good terms with her, but if he had asked ME to contact her first, to say thanks for putting him on the market, I would've felt very awkward and weird about it, especially so early on -- even if it wasn't long-distance. After only a few dates, I think it's presumptuous for him to say, "You should thank her for me, baby." LOL. I have sent her a message of appreciation, but only after she reached out first.